Again

[[Co...]]

[[Sh...]]

Well ummmm. I have some thoughts on all this but I don’t think it would be helpful to share them right now. I will just say I was laughing but now… I just want to say I have respect for all opinions. I don’t push mine on others except to maybe reach someone that might still think they need to listen to people in positions of power. You don’t. Doing that got you here so maybe try something different. And I’ll leave it at that coz I don’t need stress right now and neither do any of u x 

 X-ray I’m so happy u had a good night! Wow how are u feeling? 
I had a similar night except I woke up not feeling good at all. In fact I feel so strange I almost feel scared by it. I think I slept hard for about 6 hours then I woke up but then must’ve crashed hard again then woke up in the middle of deep sleep so now I feel really wierd. But my heart is feeling wierd too which is scary 

[[Sh...]]

I’m sure it will pass and maybe it’s that toxic sleep u guys mention here x 

so over it guys. I remember bouncing out of bed and going running and having so much energy. 😢

[[...]]

27 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

Well ummmm. I have some thoughts on all this but I don’t think it would be helpful to share them right now. I will just say I was laughing but now… I just want to say I have respect for all opinions. I don’t push mine on others except to maybe reach someone that might still think they need to listen to people in positions of power. You don’t. Doing that got you here so maybe try something different. And I’ll leave it at that coz I don’t need stress right now and neither do any of u x 

 X-ray I’m so happy u had a good night! Wow how are u feeling? 
I had a similar night except I woke up not feeling good at all. In fact I feel so strange I almost feel scared by it. I think I slept hard for about 6 hours then I woke up but then must’ve crashed hard again then woke up in the middle of deep sleep so now I feel really wierd. But my heart is feeling wierd too which is scary 

I feel 75% human today. It’s so hard though because I am looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
I am so sorry to hear that your sleep was that bad. I’m sure it’s just a fluke and it will bounce back to normal.
That sounds just like toxic sleep. It happens to me all the time. I’ll wake up after having slept for 5 or 6 hours and my brain is all messed up. Sorta feels like a real bad hangover. My heart will also be beating in a strange way as well. I am so over this shit too. I just want it to stop and for me to be able to get fully back into life without having to fight thru each and every day.

Edited March 17 by [...]

[[...]]

30 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

Great!

Thanks Colin

[[de...]]

@[...] That is great news!  I hope it continues!!!! 

[[de...]]

@[Sh...] 💕

[[Sh...]]

I’m out of reactions but here’s some I was trying to use 😤😢😖

wow so that’s toxic sleep. I don’t like it. 
I usually just feel absolutely exhausted but apart from that normal. I’d rather feel shattered after only a few hours than feel like this. 
I was taking unisom again for a bit but stopped 4 days ago. My sleep is better but these headaches omfg

[[Sh...]]

Thanku Decs ❤️ Ugh 

I have to prepare for this big panel interview in a few days. Universe if ur listening please do me a solid and let my brain come out of the fog this week I need it. 

[[Sh...]]

X-ray I’m here for u mate. I’m in that trench with u. Ur going to be ok we both are. It’s a daily head f?!k tho for real

[[Sh...]]

Guys also stop flexing on me with ur reactions. It’s making me sad 😂

[[An...]]

8 hours ago, [[M...] said:

@[Ju...] if you want to see what moderation of a benzo support site is, go check out Beating Benzos on Facebook.  I got kicked out of the group with no explanation after getting lectured that I was giving medical advice (I wasn’t).  This site is very open and tame by comparison.  

Yep (totally agree)..... the FB groups are horrible. I don't even visit them anymore. They will ban you and not even tell you what you got banned for. I hate the lack of transparency in most of these groups. I appreciate the fact that the BB mods and admins will send you a PM letting you know something you said is in violation of the posting guidelines that you may not even be aware of instead of just banning you with no explanation for the ban. In fact, I think BB will only ban you  (permanently) for repeated, serious offenses after you have been given fair warning. 

[[Ju...]]

4 hours ago, [[S...] said:

Thanku Decs ❤️ Ugh 

I have to prepare for this big panel interview in a few days. Universe if ur listening please do me a solid and let my brain come out of the fog this week I need it. 

Good luck with the big panel interview, I'm hoping that your toxic sleep goes away first so you don't feel hungover during it. Maybe try to avoid the unison? I tried some of that a few years ago and it made me feel like death, like a synthetic alcohol hangover with antidepressants or something strange, never took it again.

I experienced toxic sleep last night as well, I think it's because I bought some French brioche buns with regular sugar in them as an ingredient. Normally I eat sourdough bread to avoid that when I'm making my burgers, but I slipped because I really wanted something sweet and fulfilling. Bad mistake. So instead I ended up sleeping about 6 hours total, instead of seven or eight, woke up lacking the extra hour and setting off my ear buzzing and sweating.

As for earlier, I feel a little immature for engaging with the moderators. I feel like the whole vibe of this post got thrown off, whereas before it was good. I'm not saying it was my fault, but at the same time, I know I didn't help either. I think I might just need a break from this website in general soon, I can only handle about a few weeks at a time max. I'm so far out and almost healed, that it's like a stressor instead of help much of the time. After almost 5 years of this nonsense, you can only look back so much instead of moving forward. Benzo buddies is really bad at taking you back, for any of those who have been here a long time.

[[Ju...]]

Xray, Decatur, Colin, Anti, let's all forget about earlier, cool?

At least I can appreciate some good contradicting views. I like seeing everybody's opinions from around the world, whether good or bad. Progress can never be made without expressing your points and making opinions heard.

At the end of the day it's the moderators website to do as they wish, they have the ultimate control of it. As at the end of the day I have the right to express myself how I wish, and maybe it needs to be somewhere else.

I genuinely wish there was a website where we could 100% bash doctors and bash the a$$hole legislators that put us in this irresponsible bind. Apparently this isn't the place. I wish a lot more on them as well, I believe some of them need prison sentences for the lives destroyed.

I might check back to see everybody's progress, and wish everyone well. But the weather has finally cleared up for the season, Seattle skies are bright and blue again and the weather is getting dry and we will be without clouds and without rain for about another 6 months soon. Pacific Northwest summers are the best, low 60s at night and 70s throughout the day with hardly any humidity and load dew points, not a drop of rain in sight (unless heat domes come through occasionally). Take care.

 

[[de...]]

@[Ju...]  Forgotten!   Actually my brain is so foggy I cannot really remember much these days!  Ha!   I hope you enjoy the nice weather and are able to get outside some.     

I have not been to Seattle, but I know it is a beautiful city.     I am not sure I could take the rain though.  

I hope we hear from you from time to time!!!!

[[Ju...]]

2 minutes ago, [[d...] said:

@[Ju...]  Forgotten!   Actually my brain is so foggy I cannot really remember much these days!  Ha!   I hope you enjoy the nice weather and are able to get outside some.     

I have not been to Seattle, but I know it is a beautiful city.     I am not sure I could take the rain though.  

I hope we hear from you from time to time!!!!

Sounds good, I like the positivity. Believe it or not, Seattle only rains about 30 in per year on average. I was living in the southeast before moving here, the Carolinas and Florida get close to 60 in per year I'm almost double the amount of rain. Seattle is like a light mist all winter, it's like turning on a grocery store mist, most of the time.

But yeah, I actually need a break from everything in general, it's not just the website. I've got major life issues to work out. As a lot of you already know, I'm a little bit in a different corner than everyone else. I recovered from massive amounts of substances and partying from the time I was a young teenager until in my thirties.

I was in and out of jails and Mental Hospitals, not for anything violent or bad, mainly for substance abuse. I ended up homeless later on, ended up losing children, ended up destroying my credit, tried to get off of all the alcohol and pills and cocaine and all the other stuff multiple times, kept ending up in psych wards, had my driver's license revoked and gun rights taken, had organs taken out and ended up with several sutures and stitches, suicide attempts on my life, the whole nine yards. The majority of my friends from when we were little, they all died for the most part. There's only a few left. It's no joking matter, it's serious stuff.

But on the bright side, I haven't had any substances in almost 5 years, I'm almost healed from the benzos, I'm living in a luxury Waterfront place on the Puget Sound overlooking the islands and Mount Rainier and the Olympic Mountain range, I've got direct views of the famous Rockstar hotel across the street with limos dropping off famous people, cruise ships dock right outside of my living room window, and I've got endless good food from the farmers market and tons of famous concerts a couple blocks away. You could say life improved, good credit and good finances and good health minus this sleep and remaining physical symptoms.

The reason I'm bringing this up, is because if I can heal from all of that, you can all heal too! Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary. Unless you actually die permanently, everything is reversible. We are made out of human materials, we are biological, we are part of nature, that means we can evolve, that means we can heal, that means good diet and proper lifestyles can create a good future again. I just want everyone to forget about the negativity, remember things could be worse, and to strive for the best lives you can. And if you're like me and you can no longer party the way you used to when you were younger, find a new area and new hobbies like I did, life can still be great.

[[de...]]

@[Ju...]  Wow!  I really appreciate you giving us this rundown on what you have experienced.    Your story is pretty amazing!!!  The fact that you are alive and recovering is truly amazing.    Total respect!!!   Can I ask you what has kept you moving forward?   If that is a little too personal, I totally understand.   

[[An...]]

10 minutes ago, [[J...] said:

Xray, Decatur, Colin, Anti, let's all forget about earlier, cool?

At least I can appreciate some good contradicting views. I like seeing everybody's opinions from around the world, whether good or bad. Progress can never be made without expressing your points and making opinions heard.

At the end of the day it's the moderators website to do as they wish, they have the ultimate control of it. As at the end of the day I have the right to express myself how I wish, and maybe it needs to be somewhere else.

I genuinely wish there was a website where we could 100% bash doctors and bash the a$$hole legislators that put us in this irresponsible bind. Apparently this isn't the place. I wish a lot more on them as well, I believe some of them need prison sentences for the lives destroyed.

I might check back to see everybody's progress, and wish everyone well. But the weather has finally cleared up for the season, Seattle skies are bright and blue again and the weather is getting dry and we will be without clouds and without rain for about another 6 months soon. Pacific Northwest summers are the best, low 60s at night and 70s throughout the day with hardly any humidity and load dew points, not a drop of rain in sight (unless heat domes come through occasionally). Take care.

Cool @[Ju...]👍

I don't know if you know this @[Ju...] but Twitter is pretty much a free-for-all since Elon Musk took over. That place is the wild, wild west now 😁. You still can't threaten and harass ppl but it is pretty much anything goes now on that website. Twitter is more of a political site tho IMO.......right versus left......with very few moderates in the middle. Twitter also has a ton of hardcore porn. I also heard that the Twitter AI chatbot GROK will answer anything you ask it, with no censorship. For example, GROK, tell me step by step.... how to make a pipe bomb....crazy!

[[Ju...]]

Just now, [[d...] said:

@[Ju...]  Wow!  I really appreciate you giving us this rundown on what you have experienced.    Your story is pretty amazing!!!  The fact that you are alive and recovering is truly amazing.    Total respect!!!   Can I ask you what has kept you moving forward?   If that is a little too person, I totally understand.   

I appreciate it. Yeah essentially I was a party boy, without getting into the specifics since there's rules about it, let's just say I was a recreational party boy. Almost every day of my life, the biggest wildest parties, the fastest motorcycles, the high rises, the oceanfront living, the mountaintop condos, all that stuff.

But I also couldn't control my partying, it went way above the average person's. This came with a lot of downfalls, I would make a ton of money, and then I would lose a ton of money quick. I would get a brand new place, and I would party my way to eviction and have to move again. I would throw massive parties, and I would make massive neighbor enemies. Sort of similar to my mindset on this website, it was all or nothing, there was no moderation.

Anyhow, the benzos were my ultimate demise. Instead of healing within a few days at recovery homes like most people, I would have to get out of there as quick as possible to start taking my prescribed pills again. The doctors kept claiming mental conditions, I kept believing it. I kept going back on them, and it was a repetitive cycle of addiction. Yes it was prescribed, but that was my ultimate addiction was the benzos, that's what I was most dependent on physically and mentally. It was So bad, eventually I was counting them and I had piles of them in my cabinet. Thousands of them stored away, and irresponsible doctors to provide that many.

Anyways, I got into quite a few cop chases on my Kawasaki Ninjas and Honda cbrs, ended up with a bunch of felony charges and misdemeanors. I got those all dismissed, but it cost thousands and thousands of dollars. I put myself in debt, had to go through bankruptcies, had to start jobs all over, had to keep moving. I started living it up again, but then screwed it all up again with benzos and Recovery homes non-stop, couldn't keep a job.

After all the ups and downs and moving from mountains to coastal areas and regular Apartments back to luxury condos, and doing the whole cycle about a million times, eventually I gave up mentally. I moved West and ended up in the mountain west, it was too expensive. I wasn't prepared, I went there on a flim and it was the worst decision. Ended up on the streets, didn't have the thousands I needed to secure housing, ended up going through the first major benzo withdrawal that was prolonged while living in homeless shelters and Street Alleyways and climbing to rooftops to avoid people. I was sleeping out in the Mountain West dry cold, getting snowed on and trying to take shelter with plastic tarps.

I ended up getting trespassing charges and out past curfew tickets from the corrupt police officers, who had no sympathy for those without money. So I was in and out of jail cells, had a lot of gang member and violent people in my jail cells, while I was going through massive benzo withdrawal and paranoid. The jail guards and nurses promoted antipsychotics and antidepressants as if that was going to solve the problem, and only made it worse. It was a hell hole, I'm sure you can imagine exactly what it was like.

Anyways after getting discharged from jail a few times, I started drinking a bunch to get rid of the benzo withdrawal. I started Downing bottles of vodka like it was water, and it would alleviate the symptoms temporarily, but increase them tenfold upon cessation. I started having lots of seizures and ending up in the icu, they had to place PICC lines in my armpit and inject me with liquid benzos and phenobarbital every 15 minutes to prevent me from dying. I was having delirium tremens and all that. Eventually they ended up putting me back on the pills, because it was an emergency.

So without including all the other details of the whole events that would take days to explain, basically I finally had enough. Back in 2019 I was so tired of the reinstating and the kindling and the financial woes and the state criminalizing me for the doctor's irresponsible prescribing and everything else, that I attempted my own life. Ended up with stitches and lost half of my blood and got tazed by the police and ended up getting thrown into my floor by five police officers with guns, thrown into a mental ward and injected with meds against my will and strapped down with leather straps and transported across the state with a sheriff's prison van with no windows, locked up for over 30 days.

Fast forward until now, and I'm living it up again, credit is fixed, license is back, criminal record gone and expunged, overlooking islands and eating the best foods, extra money in the bank, exploring the islands and going for boat rides again. I've got a high-rise rooftop that overlooks the volcanoes and mountain ranges and cruise ships and the City skyscrapers, I've got endless concerts to go to, Pike Market Farmers Market down the street. Things are pretty good, can't complain about that. Of course there's a lot more because I'm 40 years old, it's a whole lifetime worth of craziness basically. But yeah, either way things pretty much worked out.

The thing I was saying about I still have a lot to work on, is I still majorly distrust doctors, I still hate the government policies that put me in that mind, such as the evictions and civil records. Things like criminal records for nonviolent offenses and ridiculous things like substance related charges, all of those government protocols keep people from housing and purposely keep people down, it's like a lifelong prison sentence outside of prison. There needs to be major Criminal Justice Reform.

Anyways that's why I have major problems with authority and being controlled, because I was controlled for too long for ridiculous things. After losing my daughter at 9 months and experiencing homelessness and benzo withdrawal in jails and forced cold turkeys over and over, keep in mind I've been through benzo withdrawal at least a dozen times, you'll learn to hate the system. So I'm working on getting some kind of trust back I guess you could say, I have to regain life and society's trust.

[[Ju...]]

16 minutes ago, [[A...] said:

Cool @[Ju...]👍

I don't know if you know this @[Ju...] but Twitter is pretty much a free-for-all since Elon Musk took over. That place is the wild, wild west now 😁. You still can't threaten and harass ppl but it is pretty much anything goes now on that website. Twitter is more of a political site tho IMO.......right versus left......with very few moderates in the middle. Twitter also has a ton of hardcore porn. I also heard that the Twitter AI chatbot GROK will answer anything you ask it, with no censorship. For example, GROK, tell me step by step.... how to make a pipe bomb....crazy!

Thanks Anti,

I deleted all my social media about 5 years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I'm all for the wild west, as that's why I moved out to the wild west, but I hate politics. I used to take sides when I was younger, before realizing they're both fake. I'm kind of in the middle on politics anyways, but I prefer not to vote at all now. And if Twitter is going to be political, I'll stay away.

I guess what I'm searching for is a group of people that will sit around and Bash the system with me, but it doesn't seem that's possible. Supposedly we have free speech and rights, but I'm sure if there was a website dedicated solely to that, it would probably get removed off the internet. And like Colin said, would it even be beneficial? I don't know, maybe it's more of a fairy tale and Wishful thinking, maybe he's right that it wouldn't actually do any good.

Believe it or not I've been bashing the system with my mental counselor and my doctor's recently, they even notated medical trauma in my records. They understand where I'm coming from, and I'm starting to gain a little bit of trust from them. I dislike a lot of their medical comments, and they dislike a lot of my anti-government comments, but we're working in conjunction. I guess that's all that matters, we're both trying.

 

[[de...]]

Wow!   So glad you are well on your way to recovery and I believe you will begin to trust some institutions again, albeit with some healthy skepticism.    I want you to know how much I appreciate you giving a little glimpse into what you have been through.    You have a lot to offer the members here in the way of encouragement to keep moving forward, because like you said, if you can come out of the other side of what you have been through, just about anybody can.   

[[Ju...]]

Just now, [[d...] said:

Wow!   So glad you are well on your way to recovery and I believe you will begin to trust some institutions again, albeit with some healthy skepticism.    I want you to know how much I appreciate you giving a little glimpse into what you have been through.    You have a lot to offer the members here in the way of encouragement to keep moving forward, because like you said, if you can come out of the other side of what you have been through, just about anybody can.   

No doubt, I appreciate it. Yes we're all made out of Flesh and Bone, we're not machines that are damaged and broken. We're not made out of metal and dented, we are made out of biological material and we can renurture it with healthy diets, even if the biological growth process is slow (ex: muscle regeneration and brain healing, like 5 years from benzo abuse).

It's all a state of mind really in the long run. This is why I've been so interested in the native ways, back then it was all about keeping your biological self intact as well as possible, and being one with the natural elements. The natural elements are what make us, without those we are screwed as a whole human population. This includes keeping the environment and animals and marine life healthy, so that we can also be healthy. That's also why I have a distaste for this fake government and harmful plastic World we're living in.

But it's more complicated than you're making it out to be, over 90% of people don't make it through that. I only have a couple friends remaining out of the dozens from the start. Benzo withdrawal is no exception, prescribed or not prescribed, legal or illegal, it's tough to break that cycle. Just as many people don't make it through benzo withdrawal, many people don't make it through illegal substance recovery either. But it looks like every one of us is pulling through, and I'm happy for everyone and wishing everyone the best.

[[Ju...]]

I forgot to add, I guess you could say my major gripe and problem with society and the government, is they are too judgmental. I felt the same from moderation on this website, but maybe I was incorrect.

It's like this, why is somebody hated on for abusing substances? Yeah they already accepted their own bad decisions, and they already paid the price for it personally. Why rub it in? The substance abuser also had the highest highs, also lived better than anybody at some points. Why talk down on somebody who's lived a better life?

But to be fair, yes we also lived the lowest lows. We almost destroyed our lives, and many of us died. But why be reprimanded for dying and living lows? That would be like punching your old grandma in the face for getting sick or cancer. That wouldn't make any sense.

Or imagine looking down on somebody because they don't make enough money, telling them that they ruined their own life because of their job choices. That's essentially what people are doing when they look down on substance abusers, just because they don't want to put themselves in the same class. It's almost as if regular Society feels superior, just because they didn't violate any man-made laws.

This is why I get into many arguments with so-called regular society and the people on the pedestals. I always tell them, yes but remember who had all the money and the best highs in life, and remember those who also got through the lowest lows and persevered through anything. Those people really shouldn't be judged, people such as myself.

Anyways, I hope that clears up what I was saying about regaining trust with people that haven't lived those life styles. For some reason if you're a rockstar and you're famous, everyone looks up to you. But if you live that exact same life without the concerts and without the media attention, everybody criminalizes you for the exact same thing. Double standards? I guess so. Anyways, I'm glad we had the talk and I'll check back from time to time as I heal.

[[Ju...]]

35 minutes ago, [[d...] said:

Wow!   So glad you are well on your way to recovery and I believe you will begin to trust some institutions again, albeit with some healthy skepticism.    I want you to know how much I appreciate you giving a little glimpse into what you have been through.    You have a lot to offer the members here in the way of encouragement to keep moving forward, because like you said, if you can come out of the other side of what you have been through, just about anybody can.   

Decatur,

Another ironic part of this whole situation, is like you said, some people can't pull out of this and move forward. I live right across the street and see directly out of my windows, the Rockstar hotel where Kurt Cobain from Nirvana, Chris Cornell from soundgarden, Eddie Vedder from Pearl jam, Audioslave and Alice in chains, all those guys stayed and did interviews. Look up the Edgewater Hotel seattle, there's been multiple famous rock stars doing interviews there.

And you know what happened to the majority of them? Kurt Cobain got hooked on pills and heroin, and shot himself. Chris Cornell and the drummer from Foo Fighters and several others, including Alice in chains, killed themselves because of benzos and overdosed on other substances to get rid of the symptoms. These are all famous rock stars, none of them pulled through.

And after my 20-plus year substance and party binge, somehow I'm pulling through the opposite side and looking directly at the famous hotel where all these rock stars spent their last days doing interviews before killing themselves or overdosing. It's such a small world, and I'm from the opposite coast.

I guess needless to say, you live like a rockstar, you have the downfall of a rockstar. Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac is one of the few who pulled through on benzos, she recovered from clonazepam as well. That's what I went cold turkey on, was massive amounts of Klonopin and barbiturates and alcohol and others. So we heal, just that it's few of us.

[[Ju...]]

6 hours ago, [[S...] said:

Guys also stop flexing on me with ur reactions. It’s making me sad 😂

Shayna,

This time we no doubt really did hijack your thread, my apologies. It's like we wrote a novel today, a huge story with combining authors, both moderators and regular members. But hey, we really all did work together I guess eventually. We fought it out, we made mends, we're grown ups.

So I just wanted to say sending positive vibes to Australia from Seattle. I hope that your sleep improves, and I hope you land whatever job it is. You got this, benzo withdrawal survivor...