Hi (Clonazepam buddie)

[[Sa...]]

So today was bad with anxiety, after reading about your bacopa experience I realized I hadn’t taken any in a couple days.  I took a small piece (under the tongue so it would go straight to my brain Welchie haha) and placebo or not, I feel better!  I really am hopeful about bacopa.

[[So...]]

That's great to hear Saige! I guess it does work and even if a placebo - if it eases the anxiety, I'll take it!

[[We...]]

Happy Valentine's Day Buddies!  Though I still maintain it's just another plot by Hallmark cards.

 

So the fearsome threesome made it through another day.  Very glad to hear the bacopa is working for you.  The ramped up anxiety was the most terrible thing to deal with in the early days.  Lately it's different...other challenges coming up....still feeling diagonally parked in a parallel universe    The coconut water has been helping me too, Saige.  It has natural electrolyes, but you are pretty savvy about that stuff and probably already know it.

 

It's crazy but I'm finding myself once in a while entertaining the thoughts of taking just a teensy bit of a pill.  Would rather stick needles in my eyes at this point, but I still get the occasional 'call' from those blue aspirins (klon)  I think it's just a wish to escape the reality of w/dr once in a while.  But Welchie, of course, is standing firm!!

 

Pete - (and Saige too, of course) - never believe you're getting worse - always better - no matter how frustrating the sx may get.  It's a tough thought to hold on to sometimes, but has served me well over the last few months and continues to do so.  Failure is not falling down...it's not getting up again.  I probably sound like a sanctimonious @hole but when I say it to you two, I'm actually reminding myself.

 

Know what you mean about wanting to go on a crusade about these benzos.  Everyone has their undies in a bunch about street drugs but these satanic pills that are worse than heroin are being doled out legally by our own docs.  I decided that if I could help just one other human being get through this...that would be worth something.

 

Would love to hear some recommendations for books, Pete.  I'm a voracious reader but have been doing too much reference type reading these days and could use a good novel.

 

Well, I've rambled enough at you all.  Another day closer on the freedom trail coming up!!!

 

Love to my BBs.  It's the love and support that gets us through...and you two have it in spades, my friends.  Seriously, Happy Valentine's Day!!!

[[So...]]

Happy Valentine's Day Saige and Welchie!

 

Thank you for the great advice Welchie. I have been tempted to give in and resign myself to taking Valium (little white pill) again and forget this whole tapering thing but I would also rather stick pins in my eyes. I think we need to toss all pills out when done so it isn't even an option. I am too scared to keep a "rescue dose" around.

 

I slept pretty well last night (fell asleep and forgot to take my 1mg V nightly dose, woke up at 3:30am, took it and slept a few hours more) and did have morning anxiety but it wasn't as bad and starting to lift. I start my DLMT today so excited/nervous. Actually about to take the first dose. I just ate so wondering if it's better before/after/with food...guess I will find out.

 

The Woman in the Window is a fun, easy novel to read - in the vein of Girl on a Train. I am about to start the Goldfinch which won the Pulitzer. The author Donna Tartt went to the same college as myself (but before I was there). I will let you know how it is. They are making it into a movie now with Nicole Kidman and other big names.

 

How are you both feeling? So glad we found each other and can support each other.

 

Yes - supporting and helping people is the best and helps me heal and get through this. We all have each other's backs which is so important!

 

Sending you both lots of Valentine's hearts 

 

Pete

[[So...]]

Saige - had you taken Bacopa before? I was told it is better after jumping and not during tapering but can be taken when needed. Bella, a Moderator told me that as she loved it but took it when she was benzo-free. She said it acts like a benzo but everything I read said it was safe so who knows...all so confusing and it is the only supp I have tried.

[[Sa...]]

Welchie thank you so much for your thoughts today, I needed them.  I have also been hearing the call to just take some.  It’s so exhausting going through this process.  Gotta go drive kids but thank you both for the morning messages I look forward to! Happy Valentines Day!!!

[[Sa...]]

I should really start reading more. If I have free time I find I want to research everything and fix everything and I don’t allow myself the moments to sit and read for enjoyment. Good for you guys! 

[[So...]]

Reading is definitely good for me at night - helps me fall asleep and avoid blue light from the TV or laptop or iPhone.

The Woman in the Window is pretty good.

 

Saige - had you taken Bacopa before? I can't believe how well it works for me - I hope it doesn't interfere with healing. I read a bunch about it and it does seem safe but like everything with benzos, no one knows for sure...

[[Sa...]]

I’ve only taken pieces, but I’ve taken it maybe ten times? I’m sure we can find something or someone who says it’s bad, but the overall consensus I’ve seen is it helps people during withdrawal and then more importantly after by actually helping to restore normal GABA.  I don’t see how it would be harmful and it’s been so helpful.  I think it’s probably just smart to go so slow with it.  If it does have a point where it stops working, we want to be as far down the road as possible.  I’ve found that more is not better with many of the supplements.  I wear a mask at night too...I was so into the blue light stuff I got blue light blocking glasses and made my kids wear them haha.  They were so annoyed. But it’s amazing how our brains see blue light as a signal to be awake and it can’t produce melatonin if there is blue light.  I have found for sleep I have to have an audible book going in my ear. It has to be 100% positive and calming so I listen to a book called “live the let go life”. I use earphones that block emf so I don’t need to have panic attacks at night about brain tumors.  It’s been amazingly helpful.  Every bad thought that I used to have is replaced by the words in the book. I just focus on it in the moments I wake up and it kills me right back to sleep.  I really believe we have to start training our thoughts and if we can do it while we’re being so attacked now, it will be that much easier as time goes on. So, is tonight the new start of the liquid taper? 

[[Sa...]]

Welchie I have some question for ya.  I see that you were using a scale to taper towards the end.  I’m just starting to do this now.  I was wondering how do you figure out how much you are taking. I understand figuring out the weights, but how do I convert that to amount of medicine? Am I making sense?  My pills average .174.  I’m taking .099 as of today.  Also, I noticed you seemed to have a rough go from.5 to .25.  I know you went a bit fast, but how long and how bad was that period of time? Any advice?  Thanks so much!!

[[So...]]

Hi Saige - I will try those glasses and check out that book. The glasses have yellow lenses right?

 

re: Bacopa - I have taken it yesterday and today, one tablet and it helped both times, brain was less foggy and anxiety chilled out: almost seemed too good to be true. I am worried about taking it toooooo much though. I read a long science report where one doctor said it could help hasten withdrawal and was on a list of things to take (and the list of things to avoid was so long). So I will proceed with caution. It's the only supplement I have taken since tapering. I am curious about L-Theanine and Magnesium too as I hear those have been beneficial to people as well. So many people say "NO supplements" and "nothing heals but time" but if something does help, how can it be bad?

 

Day #1 of my DLMT going pretty well - 2 more doses to go today. usually I am jonesing for my 2nd dose and I am not right now so that must be good. I almost didn't even "feel" the first dose which is 1mg of Valium so substantial enough. Hoping this DLMT is smooth.

 

How are you both feeling this afternoon? How are you Welchie?

 

I love that Saige's intro turned into our own buddie chat

[[We...]]

Me too Pete...love the buddy chat.  I couldn't resist the title of the thread.  Wishing you a very very smooth liquid taper.  Both of you. Very glad, my friends, the bacopa is working for you still.  Cod liver oil and Vit K butter and a little B vites are going a long way for me.  I'm guessing the brain needs these.  So you're right.  Why not.  I went really slow with reintroducing though.

 

Only have one really important thing to say....I miss chocolate!!!!

 

Saige - I consider myself the poster child for everything to do wrong in a taper.  So...don't listen to a word I say!!!  To answer your question - I was in the worst of the withdrawal when I started with the scale and brain power was not too good.

I was quartering a .5 klon (.125) when I started the scale.  So this is Welchie's version of hard science, mind you....I took what looked like the most evenly cut quarter, slapped it on the scale and took that as my starting point.  I could not, for the life of me, convert the scale measurement to actual pill mg.  And I'm a retired real estate appraiser!!!  Good thing I'm retired.  Good thing I'm not messing with subatomic particles either.

 

The scale was what I would call 'haunted'.  Had to measure each one a bunch of times...turn the scale off/on a bunch of times...had to make sure the pill was exactly dead center.  But it got me through a few weeks or so.  The reason why I decided to jump was because of that blasted haunted scale.  Even at small numbers I was more afraid of going up down up down with dose.  Also, had been through the worst of the absolute worst and just said phuque it!!!  I'm going down!!!

 

My w/dr pattern ran totally with the half life.  Like clockwork.  So it would hit about three days in, kick my ass to the moon and back for about nine or ten days then things would settle.  I would not recommend that hard path.  It was hell and yeah I did come out the other end but I seriously paid for it.  You sound good Saige and you probably already know to stay the path...steady as she goes....

 

But also Saige...I am convinced I was one of those that was having a paradoxical reaction and was often as bad while on it for a long time.  So that's my story and I'm sticking to it and hope it helps.

 

I did buy a new Gemini scale that I never used to replace the other because it took forever to come.  If you're interested in it and trust I am not an axe murderer, you're welcome to it.  Just PM me.

[[Sa...]]

Haha oh my gosh Welchie that post made me laugh. I’m glad non of us are working with subatomic particles right now.  Thank you so much for the scale offer, I think the one I have is pretty good, I saw it recommended here.  I do love this community and how people offer their scales etc because they know the struggle and really want to help someone out if this pit.  I’m used to cutting and holding and not sure I like the direct taper as much.  I like you would get hit a few days later but then it really only lasted a few days.  Now I almost feel like I’m on more of a heightened anxious state all the time.  I will keep testing it out. Pete that is sooo fantastic to hear that the taper is starting out well.  I love when we move forward! I love that this turned into a chat too....should we move it to another location? Don’t want to mess up introductions. I’m so thankful my into brought me new Benzobuddies!

[[So...]]

Hi Buddies!

 

Welchie - I miss chocolate too - I do have dark chocolate sometimes and haven't noticed anything bad...but I would be careful. What I would love is a big bag of sugary treats like gummy bears! Ha - that is down the road...

 

I can't deal with math at all! I had to get Builder to help me a few times with my DLMT - but now I can handle that part. I just took the 2nd dose. Feeling pretty OK today. having pasta for dinner and of course I wonder, is that bad too? I second guess everything i put into my body these days.

 

I love that you offered your scale - I have a big box of oral syringes that I hope someone wants when I am done!

 

I don't know if we can move this thread - I always check it first though to see how you both are doing.

 

I want to see a movie tonight...but not sure what. I have become pretty anti-social lately...hope that changes. That said, I can concentrate on TV and books. When I read that people here are bed bound or on the floor twitching in pain, it breaks my heart, truly. We are lucky we are not suffering like that.

 

This is my first V Day being single...but i am fine with it. I can't imagine being in a relationship now while I go through this - I will be much stronger when I am healed and a stronger person to boot. We all will be.

 

Sending you both virtual HUGS.

[[We...]]

Yes!!  I have no doubt Pete we will be stronger when we come out the other side!  We are already stronger than we could have imagined because we got this far.  Builder is such a great guy - he's always so willing to help out.  Maybe the thread should go under withdrawal support??  I don't think it matters as far as site etiquette...  And I guess we'll have to be your Valentines this year.  Of course, if you do start dating, me and Saige will have to give the hairy eyeball to make sure they're up to snuff.

 

I miss pasta.  Turns out I'm gluten intolerant and got the word about four months ago.  I suspect benzo derived.

 

Saige - does the anxiety hit in the morning?

 

I must be in cog fog or something because I can't even type one word that doesn't have a misspell I have to correct!!  I almost hate to throw this out here...but are either of you two dealing with old stuff coming up?    On a positive note...I gained another whole pound!!!  Yay!!!  Only 18 more to go...Upward and onward!

[[Sa...]]

Hi guys. How was the pasta?  I had to mostly cut gluten too.  Did you have sauce with it? I’m cautious about that too. Wondering how you are today. Yes Welchie, old stuff pops back up here and there. It is really hard for me to write too.  Hoping brain will recover soon.  I drove to downtown LA with my daughter for a competition this weekend.  I’m much more anxious today but I think it’s because of the citcumstances.  This is time for me to practice coping without klon.  How’s everyone feeling today? 

[[So...]]

Hi Saige and Welchie -

 

Not a great night, up at 2:30am and up since then. Anxiety pretty bad in the morning but it's mellowed out. I started the DLMT yesterday and I am going to cut back and taper 1mg with liquid and take the other 2mg in pills until I get stable.

 

Took a Bacopa M this morning which seemed to help but don't want to rely on these things.

 

A friend who is also tapering take a small amount of Trazadone to sleep and says it works when taken sparingly. My doctor offered it to me at first and I said no but now might need to have it in cases like last night when there was so little sleep.

 

So tired of thinking about this whole benzo thing...

 

Downtown LA! It's changed so much. The art scene is booming there now. What was the competition?

 

Hope you guys are good today - I am starting to feel better...

[[Sa...]]

Oh I’m sorry to hear that.  I was asking about the sauce because it’s usually high in glutamate which is our enemy right now.  I didn’t want to say anything in case you were feeling good, some people can handle it.  I couldn’t do the liquid. I’m sure you will do what you need.  Even the suffering means healing if that helps any, you’re still moving forward.  I’m not good today either so sending hugs for sure.  It’s a dance competition, starts today and ends Sunday.  So glad my kids handle stress well, I’m more stressed and not competing haha!  Hope you get a nap in or something.  I take pieces of vitacost melatonin (it has theanine and b6 too) throughout the night.  It puts me back to sleep and calms me.

[[So...]]

Thanks Saige -

 

I think I will lay off the pasta and sauce from here on in. Chicken and veggies tonight for me.

 

I took Melatonin years ago (pre-Benzo) and had a bad effect on me but could try it again. I also keep reading about L-Theanine.

 

Sorry you are feeling the same way I am today...usually things are better at night though so let's manifest a window together.

 

Dance competition - sounds fun to watch! Hope your daughter does so well!!

[[Sa...]]

Thank you!!!  I had a bad time with melatonin too.  Was scared for years but found it’s all in the tiny dose.  So maybe it’s good news if it was the pasta and not your taper? Welchie did you lose weight because you just didn’t have an appetite?  I haven’t really changed weight but I think I’m losing muscle.  I can’t wait to start exercising again but that always ramps me up.  Welchie I also can’t wait to be Benzo free like you!!!

[[So...]]

Welchie is our benzo free role model!

 

I will try melatonin again - tiny bits - which kind do you take?

[[Sa...]]

It’s called vitacost melatonin plus theanine. Tiny tiny pieces under tongue and within minutes I’m back to sleep if there’s no blue light

[[So...]]

Thanks Saige!!!!!

[[We...]]

Uh oh...if I'm a role model we're all screwed!!!

 

Big hugs, Saige.  It does get better.  You noticing any predictable daily windows?  Pete says his are at night...that was always my window time too.  Pete - I always used to wake up somewhere between 2 and 3:00 in a state of utter panic.  It got milder as I tapered and can now stay in bed with no anxiety till about 6:00.  Oh how good it is to have the poison out of my poor body.

 

Saige - I lost my appetite for months while on the full klon - so yeah, that's when the weight loss started.  I was so bad last summer that I couldn't sit vertically in a chair to eat.  But then I started eating like a horse - and was still losing weight.  Poundage has finally stabilized since the jump and is slowly coming back.  I'm a total butterball now at 112 pounds. But I got the weird muscle wasting too.  I read something on the site that made sense...when our bodies are in extreme fight or flight mode for a long time the body goes somewhat catabolic...meaning it starts consuming itself to deal with fighting the tiger, you know?  Sounds creepy and I don't mean to scare you.  It's one of those 'normal' but nasty things that turns around as we get better.

 

And hey, we're not sagging - just a little gravitationally challenged at the moment!!!

 

Pete - I ordered those books you recommended and am looking forward to a good read.  And the weighted blanket came today.  I took it for a spin at nap time today and it really works!!!  Very comforting and soothing.

 

Big Hugs - sorry if I'm having a hard time keeping up with you younger folks....

 

[[So...]]

Hi Welchie and Saige!

 

Glad to hear about the weighted blanket - that is on my "to-get" list for sure. Let me know what you think of the books!

 

I haven't fluctuated weight much - haven't gained or lost...hoping I can get back to the gym when this is all done.

 

Very mellow night here - hoping to sleep better, we shall see. I am tired from last night so should be better tonight.

 

How are you both doing?

 

Welchie - you are our benzo-free role model! And that is a good thing!