My home is one big mess

[[va...]]

Hi girls,

 

I want to step in as I just dropped by to see how your messy houses were falling apart, and I see that you've suddenly found a common history of child abuse. I also grew up in extreme fear 24/7 and that fear, lack of safety, neglect, has turned me into an extremely anxious person. I don't look like that from the outside but I am. CPTSD patients can be very very functional as we always try to be perfect (programmed to do everything perfectly or there'll be hell to pay), and we're also easy prey for anti anxiety meds of course.

 

I find things that help me. One is the holistic psychologist on Instagram.

 

The other one is this guy.

 

[[Es...]]

Yep, most of us suffer from some kind of PTSD, which led us to the BZD.

 

There is this book: "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

 

It explains the PTSD quite well. I had a nervous breakdown while reading it. Maybe I'll be able to finish it one day.

 

Following this exchange. Very interesting. We really have moved far away from "the messy house". Yes, this is actually why the whole mess has started...

[[Tr...]]

I always get an unpleasant feeling when my home is a big mess. Maybe a bad memory from childhood, and my angry dad?  I've never thought so far. 

[[be...]]

I really need my kitchen and bathrooms to be very clean. If the rest is on the messy side I can deal with that. At this point is rather be out with my friends than vacuuming. But yes I guess I did forgive my father as I finally called him decades later when I learned he was sick. It killed me to call him but I was afraid I’d regret it. He was a very cruel man when drunk.

[[co...]]

East

 

and everyone

 

I come from abuse too.  I just repeated known patterns all thru my life and now that I'm old I'm pretty bitter and jaded.

 

But even cynics and mess ups can have fun and do good.

 

Yeah, my house is a mess.  Only having company over motivates me to clean, or it gets to a point where I just can't stand it.

 

When does our motivation come back, again??

 

 

[[Es...]]

East

 

and everyone

 

I come from abuse too.  I just repeated known patterns all thru my life and now that I'm old I'm pretty bitter and jaded.

 

But even cynics and mess ups can have fun and do good.

 

Yeah, my house is a mess.  Only having company over motivates me to clean, or it gets to a point where I just can't stand it.

 

When does our motivation come back, again??

 

It's the reward system. Screwed up. This is why it's difficult to get out of the mess. I used to be extremely neat before all the BZD nightmare. Well-organized, everything in place etc.

 

I just cannot find my way out of the clutter. I have difficulty getting rid of stuff. And I buy new stuff all the time. More than I need. I've abstained for a few days, cause I replaced the buying obsession with another one.

 

Oh, and I was deprived as a kid. Before I could earn the money. Very deprived. This is why I became a shopaholic in the first place.

[[Tr...]]

What do you buy when it gets too much? I love the bookstore; books, expensive papers, notebooks and pencils for calligraphy.

[[be...]]

It kinda creeps back little by little. However if you were a slob pre benzo days, you’ll likely remain one.

[[Es...]]

It kinda creeps back little by little. However if you were a slob pre benzo days, you’ll likely remain one.

 

Betsy, who are you talking about? People who keep pets usually don't have perfectly clean homes

 

Unless the pets are in cages...

 

 

[[Es...]]

What do you buy when it gets too much? I love the bookstore; books, expensive papers, notebooks and pencils for calligraphy.

 

I always buy too much food. For myself and for Kitty. The latter online. As though we were preparing for war. I go to the supermarket with a shopping list. But I tend to buy additional things to eat. The fear of running out of food. I had a small allowance as a kid. Nice foods were a luxury. Mother was constantly on a diet. I was supposed to eat healthy. No sweets at home. Now I have too many different sweets.

 

I buy too many beauty products, which I don't even have the energy to use. As I'm home most of the time. I don't really care how I look, if no one sees me.

 

When I was working outside of home, I used to buy tons of clothes. Cause I wanted to look good. Now that I work from home, I buy things "for the home". Plus loungewear. Except that there is no place to put these things at home anymore. Unless I get rid of stuff, which is difficult.

 

Notebooks, stationery items, of course. I used to buy lots of books. But I have ran out of place for books. And I don't want to get rid of books that were part of my life. At least I have this nice library which is not messy.

 

Health and beauty products for Kitty. Always more than she needs.

 

The clutter consists of new items I constantly buy and sometimes don't even have the energy to unpack.

 

Plus items which I always hope to use "one day". But somehow that day never comes.

 

Yeah, I'm getting this under control. Hopefully.

[[be...]]

It kinda creeps back little by little. However if you were a slob pre benzo days, you’ll likely remain one.

 

Betsy, who are you talking about? People who keep pets usually don't have perfectly clean homes

 

Unless the pets are in cages...

 

Someone who asked how long does it last....my place is clean despite my dog and cat. Both are very clean. My kitty litter box is outside on my deck. My dog likes to sleep on my other deck as he’s very heat sensitive. Once my wood flooring gets installed I bet he’ll sleep in my bedroom. He gets bathed a lot. Nobody would ever guess I had animals if they didn’t know or see them.

[[ea...]]

I am joining in without reading a lot of this thread. But Estee's last post hit home with me. What she described is, I think, what I have and always have had. Shopoholic. When I was a kid I was given a small allowance but only if I did certain chore. I would save up my pennies and end up at the local Woolworth's Store (long before Walmarts) and spend that dollar on something. Over time I think that this became more of a compulsion as it soothed my initial anxieties. As I got older this got stronger, but it would wax and wane. As a "hippie girl" it went away, as hippies were anti owning anything. The older I got the worse it got but very slowly. It hit its peak when I began taking benzos. A benzo addled brain does not make good decisions. I ended up spending A LOT more money on nice stuff, I order for me to feel "safe. All this debt ended up on credit cards and when my life crashed, I filed for bankruptcy. And then I had to face benzo wd.

We collect "stuff." We think it might make us feel better and it does but ONLY for a very little time. I honestly think buying stuff IS a sort of addiction.

What do you all think? I would like to know.

east

[[Ma...]]

I am joining in without reading a lot of this thread. But Estee's last post hit home with me. What she described is, I think, what I have and always have had. Shopoholic. When I was a kid I was given a small allowance but only if I did certain chore. I would save up my pennies and end up at the local Woolworth's Store (long before Walmarts) and spend that dollar on something. Over time I think that this became more of a compulsion as it soothed my initial anxieties. As I got older this got stronger, but it would wax and wane. As a "hippie girl" it went away, as hippies were anti owning anything. The older I got the worse it got but very slowly. It hit its peak when I began taking benzos. A benzo addled brain does not make good decisions. I ended up spending A LOT more money on nice stuff, I order for me to feel "safe. All this debt ended up on credit cards and when my life crashed, I filed for bankruptcy. And then I had to face benzo wd.

We collect "stuff." We think it might make us feel better and it does but ONLY for a very little time. I honestly think buying stuff IS a sort of addiction.

What do you all think? I would like to know.

east

 

For me it turned into the opposite. i never felt safe and somehow wanted to be able to pack my stuff and run all the time. I would throw away anything that I would not use any more. no matter if it was a spoon or a book or clothes. Collecting stuff would hinder me to flight.

[[Es...]]

I am joining in without reading a lot of this thread. But Estee's last post hit home with me. What she described is, I think, what I have and always have had. Shopoholic. When I was a kid I was given a small allowance but only if I did certain chore. I would save up my pennies and end up at the local Woolworth's Store (long before Walmarts) and spend that dollar on something. Over time I think that this became more of a compulsion as it soothed my initial anxieties. As I got older this got stronger, but it would wax and wane. As a "hippie girl" it went away, as hippies were anti owning anything. The older I got the worse it got but very slowly. It hit its peak when I began taking benzos. A benzo addled brain does not make good decisions. I ended up spending A LOT more money on nice stuff, I order for me to feel "safe. All this debt ended up on credit cards and when my life crashed, I filed for bankruptcy. And then I had to face benzo wd.

We collect "stuff." We think it might make us feel better and it does but ONLY for a very little time. I honestly think buying stuff IS a sort of addiction.

What do you all think? I would like to know.

east

 

Yes, this is why I recommended this audiobook: "Shopping Addiction: The Ultimate Guide for How to Overcome Compulsive Buying And Spending (Compulsive Spending, Compulsive Shopping, Retail Therapy, Shopaholic, ... Compulsive Debtors, Debtors Anonymous)".

 

It's a short listen, but very helpful. I'll be trying to find some free resources online. The author says childhood deprivation is one of the main causes of shopaholism. Every time  I bought myself some goodies to eat in the supermarket as a kid. There was a row. That I spent too much. And why so many sweets?! I had to report to Mother what every penny was spent on.

 

Father wasn't allowed to eat sweets at all, so he secretly ate mine. We weren't poor. So why all those rows about the money. These weren't large amounts. I guess there had to be rows about everything. Oh, and the clothes. When I went for holidays to my aunt's place. As a kid. The first thing she did. Was buy me lots and lots of clothes. I had very few things to wear.

 

I couldn't work in college, cause I was too sick. Terrible social anxiety and OCD. Then started the uni and the BZD, cause I couldn't confront people otherwise. Finally could work, teaching English. Plus uni. That was a lot. But at least I didn't have to ask for the money. Got a monthly financial assistance from the uni as a straight-A student. I had to be one because of the money. Everything was always about the money. Got a totally different career from the one I wanted. As I needed the money. So

I had to forget what I really wanted to do in life.

 

As to the BZD. Yes, they deplete the dopamine. Overshopping gives immediate gratification. A dopamine boost and then crash. The boost is mainly anticipation and planning a binge. The judgement is impaired, so one cannot think long-term. See the consequences. I'm now trying to save some money. Cause I ended up on SSDI and earning little. The future scares me. But I still get these shopping sprees. They are so dangerous.

 

Hoarding is a different thing. Part of OCD. Marigold, you really are lucky that you can get rid of stuff. I constantly struggle with this.

[[Es...]]

It kinda creeps back little by little. However if you were a slob pre benzo days, you’ll likely remain one.

 

Betsy, who are you talking about? People who keep pets usually don't have perfectly clean homes

 

Unless the pets are in cages...

 

Someone who asked how long does it last....my place is clean despite my dog and cat. Both are very clean. My kitty litter box is outside on my deck. My dog likes to sleep on my other deck as he’s very heat sensitive. Once my wood flooring gets installed I bet he’ll sleep in my bedroom. He gets bathed a lot. Nobody would ever guess I had animals if they didn’t know or see them.

 

Sounds really perfect. Kitty's presence results in some litter pellets, even dry food pellets on the floor. Fur everywhere. She's a longhair. Unless I vacuum all the time. Kitty is just a pet. She doesn't destroy anything, like furniture. Uses her scratching towers. But at least I now feel that I have a home. The second happy home after the one I shared with husband. And I'm trying to make sure Kitty feels loved and safe. Accepted on every possible level. Cats are very clean animals. But still. They are only pets. Some people cannot tolerate pets. And yes, Asian people keep cats in large, comfy cages. At least for the night. To have a totally clean place.

[[Es...]]

This thread ended in talking about difficult childhood. If anyone is interested, there is this thread where you could post your experience.

 

I guess it could be helpful for people who participate. But this stuff is extremely difficult to talk about.

 

I did, and it actually made me sick. It was much easier to talk about it while on BZD.

 

As long as one doesn't get it out, it will stay in the system, like a poison. In order to get rid of the trauma, one needs to talk about it. Sad but true.

[[ea...]]

Some of you know that this old Nurse now cleans houses to earn money. I cannot tell you how often I get calls from people who need, say, a move out cleaning. I got one this am. Woman calls and says her tenant moved out after 3 years of renting a small house. They had cats. Caller said something like "well, they had cats and the whole place is full of cat hairs, really disgusting. And he is a doctor!"

LOL!

I guess we Cat People are low lifes to some.

 

I prefer to think that we are better people. Anyone who can love an animal and make sure it is safe is a better person. My cat Bear is an absolute delight for me to be around. I call him a Gentler Giant. He is a 15 lb black/gray tabby with THE most beautiful face I have ever seen on a cat. So soft looking, and he has these huge yellow eyes. He makes eye contact, which is a bit unusual for a cat. Honestly, I consider him to be equal to me. I respect his judgements and I know how he gets what he wants. We really are partners in life.

Hang in there, people. This stuff does get better.

east

[[Es...]]

Some of you know that this old Nurse now cleans houses to earn money. I cannot tell you how often I get calls from people who need, say, a move out cleaning. I got one this am. Woman calls and says her tenant moved out after 3 years of renting a small house. They had cats. Caller said something like "well, they had cats and the whole place is full of cat hairs, really disgusting. And he is a doctor!"

LOL!

I guess we Cat People are low lifes to some.

 

I prefer to think that we are better people. Anyone who can love an animal and make sure it is safe is a better person. My cat Bear is an absolute delight for me to be around. I call him a Gentler Giant. He is a 15 lb black/gray tabby with THE most beautiful face I have ever seen on a cat. So soft looking, and he has these huge yellow eyes. He makes eye contact, which is a bit unusual for a cat. Honestly, I consider him to be equal to me. I respect his judgements and I know how he gets what he wants. We really are partners in life.

Hang in there, people. This stuff does get better.

east

 

Wonderful description of Bear. Glad you got that nice contract and some more money coming your way. My Kitty weighs 12 lbs and has amber eyes. To me, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, she's very good at eye contact. Cannot even imagine life without her. She is 8-years-old now. After husband was asked to move out, she's all my life. And I actually don't think I'd like a guy under my roof.

 

Which guys hate to hear. Yep, people who don't have pets just cannot understand. I don't mind the litter, the hair, nothing. She makes me happy every single day. No one has ever brought so much happiness into my life. Cleared some of the clutter, I hope to continue. My apt is clean, cause a friend helps me to clean here. But he isn't allowed to help with the clutter, cause of my OCD. I still dream that my apt will be as orderly as it used to be in the past.

[[Tr...]]

I don't know if we are "better people". There are both good and bad. And I smiled, when I read that doctors should not be able to live among cat hair. My husband was a professor of health care, and we had 2 dogs and 8-12 cats. So there was hair everywhere.

 

And it is said that we are more empathetic. He was a pretty tough guy, and not very soft in his attitude. So this was really a rather strange combination. But the animals made him relax, and they really loved him. When he got home, the cats were always waiting at the garage. And the dogs sat on the stairs every night at exactly the same time. So animals have a very big function. He said that as soon as he saw the cats he could relax (but not me?    )

 

So it would be wonderful if everyone could love animals, they mean so much. 

[[be...]]

I don't know if we are "better people". There are both good and bad. And I smiled, when I read that doctors should not be able to live among cat hair. My husband was a professor of health care, and we had 2 dogs and 8-12 cats. So there was hair everywhere.

 

And it is said that we are more empathetic. He was a pretty tough guy, and not very soft in his attitude. So this was really a rather strange combination. But the animals made him relax, and they really loved him. When he got home, the cats were always waiting at the garage. And the dogs sat on the stairs every night at exactly the same time. So animals have a very big function. He said that as soon as he saw the cats he could relax (but not me!    )

 

So it would be wonderful if everyone could love animals, they mean so much. 

 

I agree 💯. I’ve never lived without owning a pet. Perhaps not 12 cats. Lol 😂 and they make you live longer. One main reason why I pushed myself during withdrawal.

 

https://animals.howstuffworks.com/pets/live-longer-with-a-pet.htm

[[Ta...]]

I could really use the help of a cleaning lady, because my dust bunnies are breeding like rabbits.

 

 

[[be...]]

Better hide under the bed...oops, wrong place. Lol 😂