My home is one big mess

[[Es...]]

Yes Mary, "dust is the new black!"

 

Since I still live on my sofa, there should be no problems. But when the table is full of things, I continue with my carpet. It looks like I'm camping, here is everything you could wish for. My constant motto is "tomorrow I'll clean". And I hope, everything disappear when I'm sleeping, surprise! 

But I'm so disappointed.

 

You should be glad that you still don't have stuff on the sofa. This thread invariably makes me laugh. I know it's dark humor. But dark humor is the best. Woody Allen kind of thing.

 

We'll get out of this mess one day, I promise.

[[mo...]]

I’m amazed at how many people have and buy so much stuff!

[[Es...]]

Things have gotten slightly better here.  I have moved and most of our stuff is still in boxes.  But the house is much cleaner looking. 

 

Yep, the boxes certainly come in useful

 

Lots of boxes at my place, as well. Since I don't have the energy to unpack.

 

I'm wondering how did I have the energy to buy this stuff...

 

And then it kind of went away.

 

Estee, I have bought a lot from Amazon during wd, don't know where I have put some of it 

Seems I am always telling Tim, I can't find something  :laugh:  really isn't funny, true 

 

I have been a shopaholic all my life. But I used to be an orderly person before all this benzo disaster.

 

Learning to control my shopaholic behaviors is just as important as all the decluttering project.

 

MP, shopaholism is a behavioral dopamine addiction. An easy way to get high for a short time.

 

The consequences can be disastrous, though.

[[mo...]]

Ah, Esteé, as odd as it sounds it makes more sense now... even though maybe it should have been obvious.

 

Definitely have compassion for the struggle of addiction, I just couldn’t understand.

 

Hope it gets better soon.

[[Es...]]

Ah, Esteé, as odd as it sounds it makes more sense now... even though maybe it should have been obvious.

 

Definitely have compassion for the struggle of addiction, I just couldn’t understand.

 

Hope it gets better soon.

 

Yes, MP, it has almost stopped. I'm now returning some of these items.

 

Behavioral addictions can almost be as destructive as the chemical ones.

 

Except that the latter do much more damage to the body.

[[Tr...]]

I am in a horrible wave. 

 

And I'm still camping on my sofa and carpet. God the Father, send a butler! 

[[Ma...]]

I am in a horrible wave. 

 

And I'm still camping on my sofa and carpet. God the Father, send a butler! 

 

Well, at least you know the correct prayer 🙏 and your humor is still in tact . Love ya, Mary💜

[[pi...]]

I remember posting here early in withdrawal.

 

A Message to my past self and others going through it now- dont waste one second worrying about this. This physical space is just a reflection of the space of your subconscious. Your mind is fighting tooth and nail down in those dark places of your subconscious against the benzo beast. Once your mind reigns victorious as it will, a brilliant light will spread out over the library of your mind and everything will miraculously appear clean and tidy as it once was. Give yourself time. on that day the beast is slain, your physical environment will once again reflect your clear mind like it used to. That day was a few months ago for me. Now every weekend as I clean my mind, and my apartment as a routine that is re-emerging. Like it was before this whole mess. These things come back like old memories. Hang in there

[[Es...]]

I remember posting here early in withdrawal.

 

A Message to my past self and others going through it now- dont waste one second worrying about this. This physical space is just a reflection of the space of your subconscious. Your mind is fighting tooth and nail down in those dark places of your subconscious against the benzo beast. Once your mind reigns victorious as it will, a brilliant light will spread out over the library of your mind and everything will miraculously appear clean and tidy as it once was. Give yourself time. on that day the beast is slain, your physical environment will once again reflect your clear mind like it used to. That day was a few months ago for me. Now every weekend as I clean my mind, and my apartment as a routine that is re-emerging. Like it was before this whole mess. These things come back like old memories. Hang in there

 

This sounds promising. I agree about the relationship between the mind and the environment. Tidy home equals a tidy mind.

 

In my case, the shopping addiction makes things even worse. Too much unnecessary stuff contributes to the clutter.

 

Seems like the OP has abandoned her thread.

[[be...]]

Never put off until tomorrow what a maid can do today.

[[Es...]]

Never put off until tomorrow what a maid can do today.

 

You hired someone to help you at home, Betsy?

 

I cannot, cause of my OCD.

 

Not to mention the finances.

 

 

 

[[be...]]

Yes, I did. Her name is Betsy lol 😂

[[ea...]]

Oh thank God! I needed a laugh today.

I started my own cleaning business 4.5 years ago, once I finally healed from benzo wd. Listen to this one, ladies. I never used to give a hoot about cleaning, but during benzo wd I became absolutely OCD about it. Psychologically I know I was trying to "clean up my life." My first attempts were laudable except that bleach ruined several items. The brain ibn BWD us truly weird!

Slowly I got better at cleaning, and once I felt really healed I decided to use my new OCD'ism about cleaning into a way to make money. Yes. "Tidy home means tidy mind," and I now see I was trying to gain some control over ANYTHING by cleaning. Literally....cleaning up my own damn life.

Well, now I clean professionally. Don't make a lot of money but at 69, this work keeps me fit, and engaged, and also earns me some money.

 

The shopping addiction: that's one that has haunted me for years. My current plan is to only buy stuff second hand. Of course I buy food normally, but most other things I find at thrift shops. Shopping addiction is just as real as benzo addiction. But it isn't talked about much, so its great that one of you did mention it. Don't you agree that shopping is a form of self medication? How weird is that? But I know I have this and have since I was a child.

 

Love to hear some comments about this.

east

[[Ta...]]

Oh thank God! I needed a laugh today.

I started my own cleaning business 4.5 years ago, once I finally healed from benzo wd. Listen to this one, ladies. I never used to give a hoot about cleaning, but during benzo wd I became absolutely OCD about it. Psychologically I know I was trying to "clean up my life." My first attempts were laudable except that bleach ruined several items. The brain ibn BWD us truly weird!

Slowly I got better at cleaning, and once I felt really healed I decided to use my new OCD'ism about cleaning into a way to make money. Yes. "Tidy home means tidy mind," and I now see I was trying to gain some control over ANYTHING by cleaning. Literally....cleaning up my own damn life.

Well, now I clean professionally. Don't make a lot of money but at 69, this work keeps me fit, and engaged, and also earns me some money.

 

The shopping addiction: that's one that has haunted me for years. My current plan is to only buy stuff second hand. Of course I buy food normally, but most other things I find at thrift shops. Shopping addiction is just as real as benzo addiction. But it isn't talked about much, so its great that one of you did mention it. Don't you agree that shopping is a form of self medication? How weird is that? But I know I have this and have since I was a child.

 

Love to hear some comments about this.

east

 

Oh, how I wish I would get OCD about cleaning my house! I wish I could turn anything about this benzo withdrawal into a money making opportunity! 

 

I definitely suffered from a shopping addiction at the height of my AD/benzo use (2010-2013)

I spent WAY too much money and it took years to pay off. I mostly spent money on clothes. The kicker is that because of fatigue from withdrawal and menopause, I gained a bunch of weight and couldn't wear the clothes anyway. After a few years, I just decided to sell what I could and donate the rest. 

It really is a dopamine hit, but it never lasts long, and then you are left with remorse and debt!

[[ea...]]

tater, I had to LOL reading this. I did exactly the same thing while on benzos. Became a Big Shopaholic, using my credit cards to buy stuff mostly on line. Had to file a bankruptcy because of this nonsense. Took me over 10 years to repair my credit rating. But I truly laughed, picturing you not fitting into those nice new clothes, and how you must have felt so dumb and lame. Was true for me back then.

Shopping addiction is quite real. I STILL have it but at least I tamed it way down by only shopping in thrift stores for clothing. I dress nice and almost all of it comes from those thrift shops.

I don't know enough about "addictive personalities". Do you? I would imagine that a LOT of benzo people have this.

Time for this old warrior to give it a rest.

east

I'd give you s thumbs up by my emoticons have not worked for years.

[[Es...]]

Oh thank God! I needed a laugh today.

I started my own cleaning business 4.5 years ago, once I finally healed from benzo wd. Listen to this one, ladies. I never used to give a hoot about cleaning, but during benzo wd I became absolutely OCD about it. Psychologically I know I was trying to "clean up my life." My first attempts were laudable except that bleach ruined several items. The brain ibn BWD us truly weird!

Slowly I got better at cleaning, and once I felt really healed I decided to use my new OCD'ism about cleaning into a way to make money. Yes. "Tidy home means tidy mind," and I now see I was trying to gain some control over ANYTHING by cleaning. Literally....cleaning up my own damn life.

Well, now I clean professionally. Don't make a lot of money but at 69, this work keeps me fit, and engaged, and also earns me some money.

 

The shopping addiction: that's one that has haunted me for years. My current plan is to only buy stuff second hand. Of course I buy food normally, but most other things I find at thrift shops. Shopping addiction is just as real as benzo addiction. But it isn't talked about much, so its great that one of you did mention it. Don't you agree that shopping is a form of self medication? How weird is that? But I know I have this and have since I was a child.

 

Love to hear some comments about this.

east

 

Yes, people often use excessive shopping to cope with difficult emotions. It raises the dopamine levels in the brain. Just another behavioral addiction, which isn't even listed in the current DSM. Shopping drives the economy. One can also get addicted to excessive eating, social media use etc. I'm currently listening to this. I hope the link will open.

 

I think you had some OCD side effects caused by the BZD WD. It's great that you could turn them into a hobby and even a job. I don't think you have OCD. It's a very debilitating psychiatric condition, which people usually have throughout their lives, with different intensity. The BZD used long-term can actually make it worse. For me, it started between the age 14 and 15, before any meds.

[[Es...]]

Oh thank God! I needed a laugh today.

I started my own cleaning business 4.5 years ago, once I finally healed from benzo wd. Listen to this one, ladies. I never used to give a hoot about cleaning, but during benzo wd I became absolutely OCD about it. Psychologically I know I was trying to "clean up my life." My first attempts were laudable except that bleach ruined several items. The brain ibn BWD us truly weird!

Slowly I got better at cleaning, and once I felt really healed I decided to use my new OCD'ism about cleaning into a way to make money. Yes. "Tidy home means tidy mind," and I now see I was trying to gain some control over ANYTHING by cleaning. Literally....cleaning up my own damn life.

Well, now I clean professionally. Don't make a lot of money but at 69, this work keeps me fit, and engaged, and also earns me some money.

 

The shopping addiction: that's one that has haunted me for years. My current plan is to only buy stuff second hand. Of course I buy food normally, but most other things I find at thrift shops. Shopping addiction is just as real as benzo addiction. But it isn't talked about much, so its great that one of you did mention it. Don't you agree that shopping is a form of self medication? How weird is that? But I know I have this and have since I was a child.

 

Love to hear some comments about this.

east

 

Oh, how I wish I would get OCD about cleaning my house! I wish I could turn anything about this benzo withdrawal into a money making opportunity! 

 

I definitely suffered from a shopping addiction at the height of my AD/benzo use (2010-2013)

I spent WAY too much money and it took years to pay off. I mostly spent money on clothes. The kicker is that because of fatigue from withdrawal and menopause, I gained a bunch of weight and couldn't wear the clothes anyway. After a few years, I just decided to sell what I could and donate the rest. 

It really is a dopamine hit, but it never lasts long, and then you are left with remorse and debt!

 

Oh yes, it's all about the dopamine. The reward center in the brain gets totally screwed up. One is like those rats that needed to pull the lever over and over again. Until they died. The BZD decrease the dopamine levels in the brain, so one looks for ways to compensate this deficiency. The whole thing is nicely explained here.

[[Ta...]]

Thanks for the replies, Estee and East!

Wonderful links, Estee!!!

In hindsight, the shopping addiction was definitely triggered by benzos! It was compulsive. I also used to bring in grocery carts around my car in the parking lot... I was doing other people's jobs.

 

I am horrified by how much money I spent on things I could not even use. I could have opened one of those pop-up stores. And east, you are so right, it was so sad I could not even really enjoy it! :'(

It is funny and totally ironic that I had all this stuff and couldn't enjoy it. It's like I bought things for lifestyles that weren't my own, too. I thought in my head, sure, I will go on safari, dress for success, live at the gym, cruise around town in my high heels and designer duds....NOPE, didn't happen! 

:idiot:

 

I had ALL the store credit cards, too. They LOVED me. I paid everything off and closed all the credit cards. I only have two credit cards and I earn points on them for travel, etc. And I pay them off every month. Big change for me. I have a good influence though (my boyfriend is in finance and understands all these things.)

 

I gotta laugh about it!

What a bummer to have to go through bankruptcy though! But you are not alone! Shopping addiction is definitely an underreported addiction.

 

Thanks Estee for the link. That's fantastic. I will have to check it out and really build self-awareness so I don't fall into the trap again. It is such an easy trap to get into!

[[ea...]]

Tater, you are one tough cookie. Your honesty is delightful and you are funny to boot.

Dopamine? Yes, but one needs to step back and not over analyze this stuff. Yes, shopping can be addicting and yes it does make you feel better for a moment. But eventually you have to step back and look at the over all consequences of THIS addiction and just face it.

When I was just a kid I read a book called "A Tree Grows in Brooklynn." The author grew up poor in Brooklyn, and like some poor people she began "collecting" pretty things. HER thing was paper umbrellas, very common in the 1940s and 1950s. Owning a lot of them made her feel safer. Even though I was only about 10 years old I could relate to that. My own childhood did not feel "safe" for me. My shopping addiction started then. I spent my parents small allowance on "stuff". Stuff I did not really need, but I somehow felt safer having them.

 

So I guess I have ALWAYS had this trait but it did get a lot worse once I was on benzos. Result? A

bankruptcy. NOT proud of that!

 

Benzo people tend to be a bit OCD too. Love to hear all of your takes on that.

BIG HUG to all of you,

east

[[be...]]

I’m not OCD. I just wash my hands 40 times a day. lol 😂.

[[Tr...]]

I didn't buy much for myself, just what was necessary. But I donated money to the right and left. Why $50 in my pocket? Then it was more fun to make someone happy. 

 

Unfortunately, no idea to write PM about money. I can't lift my arms! 

[[Ta...]]

Tater, you are one tough cookie. Your honesty is delightful and you are funny to boot.

Dopamine? Yes, but one needs to step back and not over analyze this stuff. Yes, shopping can be addicting and yes it does make you feel better for a moment. But eventually you have to step back and look at the over all consequences of THIS addiction and just face it.

When I was just a kid I read a book called "A Tree Grows in Brooklynn." The author grew up poor in Brooklyn, and like some poor people she began "collecting" pretty things. HER thing was paper umbrellas, very common in the 1940s and 1950s. Owning a lot of them made her feel safer. Even though I was only about 10 years old I could relate to that. My own childhood did not feel "safe" for me. My shopping addiction started then. I spent my parents small allowance on "stuff". Stuff I did not really need, but I somehow felt safer having them.

 

So I guess I have ALWAYS had this trait but it did get a lot worse once I was on benzos. Result? A

bankruptcy. NOT proud of that!

 

Benzo people tend to be a bit OCD too. Love to hear all of your takes on that.

BIG HUG to all of you,

east

 

East, that was really deep and insightful! I don't think in all my years that heard it explained so beautifully. Wanting to have pretty things to feel safe. You just made my mind explode, lol, for real. I have heard of the book but never read it but I think I will now.

 

I had a lonely childhood with alcoholic parents. I was all alone. My mom would often take me out shopping as a way to bond and make me happy. It certainly developed an unhealthy pattern. And over the years when I felt lonely or bored, I would shop. Online shopping makes it all too easy and is quite dangerous for people like us with these natures.

 

I think of all the beautiful clothing I have given to Goodwill over the years and I bet I made some of the employees happy as they are unloading the bags, because they get first dibs, I suppose! Ultimately, it all goes to a good cause and I am happy my mistakes at least go toward something good.

 

translator, giving money away to charity and helping someone else out is one of the finest things you can do. Some believe that everything you do will come back to you in the end. That's a nice thought.

[[ea...]]

tater, I actually do have tears in my eyes reading your response. I needed to read something good about me right now. My trials here on BB have hurt me quite a bit, and even though I do try not to do anything "wrong" I cannot seem to please everyone. I just want to be ME. That's all.

I too had a very lonely childhood. My father "did" something to me at age 8. I still don't know exactly what, but I know whatever it was, it hurt me deeply and made me not trust anyone. My mother refused to face this, and blamed everyone BUT my father. And she became angry at ME for giving her this new problem. Result? Damaged young girl. I felt as if BOTH my parents had deserted me, and in all truth, they had. No one stuck up for me, and can you only imagine how that hurt a young girl? I felt totally alone, tater.

BB definitely doesn't like open talk about abuse  abuse issues, so I have tried to word this carefully. So I wont annoy someone else, you know? These are deep issues for many of us benzo people. There ARE reasons we end up on benzos. I happen to think that a lot more women end up on benzos for similar reasons, but I don't know of any research to support this. Its just sort of common sense to think that.

Wish I could PM you but I cant.

BIG hug to you, friend. You are fighting the good fight and doing it damn well. Thank you again for this post.

east (Annie)

[[be...]]

tater, I actually do have tears in my eyes reading your response. I needed to read something good about me right now. My trials here on BB have hurt me quite a bit, and even though I do try not to do anything "wrong" I cannot seem to please everyone. I just want to be ME. That's all.

I too had a very lonely childhood. My father "did" something to me at age 8. I still don't know exactly what, but I know whatever it was, it hurt me deeply and made me not trust anyone. My mother refused to face this, and blamed everyone BUT my father. And she became angry at ME for giving her this new problem. Result? Damaged young girl. I felt as if BOTH my parents had deserted me, and in all truth, they had. No one stuck up for me, and can you only imagine how that hurt a young girl? I felt totally alone, tater.

BB definitely doesn't like open talk about abuse  abuse issues, so I have tried to word this carefully. So I wont annoy someone else, you know? These are deep issues for many of us benzo people. There ARE reasons we end up on benzos. I happen to think that a lot more women end up on benzos for similar reasons, but I don't know of any research to support this. Its just sort of common sense to think that.

Wish I could PM you but I cant.

BIG hug to you, friend. You are fighting the good fight and doing it damn well. Thank you again for this post.

east (Annie)

 

Hi

 

I’ve never heard of a perfect family. No matter how good it looks from the outside, inside there is trouble. East, I’m very sorry for what happened, but more angry at your mother who refused to step in. I’ve seen this time and again. For whatever lame reasons. My family was anything but perfect. I often wondered that the PTSD I got was the main reason I suffered from anxiety and hence came the benzos.

[[Tr...]]

Benzogirl:Just as you write, there is probably no perfect family. My dad was a chairman of "Home and school". But at home he was a completely different person. I was so afraid, because he always threatened to hit me, even if I hadn't done anything. He never said he loved us, he was so aggressive. So I was always scared, and just wanted to hide. And he hit my mom when we saw it.

He threw out my boyfriends, especially if they smoked. He screamed and I was so ashamed.

 

When he got a stroke, he became a completely different person. I asked if he wanted to read the newspaper (which he did upside-down). We didn't understand what he was saying. But for a moment he was back in for real. He looked at me, smiled and said: "I'd rather look at you."

When he was almost unconscious, I took his hand. I asked if he knew who I am. He replied, very kindly: "Anna, my beloved little one".

 

And that's my memory of him. Forgiveness is so important. So now I can say that I love him. This allows us to move on.