My home is one big mess

[[Es...]]

Hi guys, I'm just catching up here.  That's so interesting Estee, about addiction and dependence being just one and the same word.  I think the problem with the addiction terminology is that addicts are demonized in American culture.  It is implied that you are a bad person with a bad soul, and don't deserve help, in America.  This whole process with benzos, has really opened my eyes to many things that I just accepted in my culture and looking at them with new eyes. 

 

Translator, that's great that you were doing well enough to clean the other day.  Please don't worry too much about what the food people think.  You have a very good reason to not be feeling good. 

 

I am having a tiny crisis now.  My landlords are doing a renovation in the kitchen.  I had to agree to this, when I asked them to stay a few months longer.  So here it is.  They are coming Thursday morning to tell me what needs to be done.  We are going to lose access to our kitchen, it is supposed to only be two days next week, but I don't know for sure.  But this means I have to move all my pots and pans and microwave and just everything.  Luckily my husband has been sharing the dish responsibility with me, so we are caught up with that. 

 

I still haven't even looked at the pants yet.  Now I am trying to clean up in other rooms to make room for the kitchen stuff.

 

GC, it’s really sick that addicts are being stigmatized in the US. Unfortunately, it’s the same where I live. Few ppl are intelligent and compassionate enough to understand that addicts started using drugs or drinking excessively or both. To escape the suffering they didn’t know how to cope with otherwise. Just as we started taking BZD. Addiction is a disease, like any other. The only difference I see between ppl who are addicted to drugs/alcohol or dependent on BZD. Is that drugs/alcohol are so powerful that they make addicts lose the rest of their dignity. Some drugs, like heroin, kill really quickly and have to be increased all the time. But addicts should be treated with compassion rather than with contempt, IMO. Human nature is something I will never understand. Why some ppl need to consider others inferior in order to feel better about themselves.

 

Now it’s a good occasion to look at the stuff you have in your kitchen. And separate items you want to keep from those you want to discard. Those you intend to keep should "spark joy" or simply be functional. No fun losing access to the kitchen. But at least you will have the possibility to sort your stuff a bit. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[[Es...]]

Translator, you once said you like Marilyn Manson. I’m now listening to "Lunchbox" ("The Last Tour On Earth" - 1999). It’s a great song for decluttering/cleaning if someone likes MM. The lyrics are so cool: "I wanna grow up, I wanna be a big r n’r star [...]" Yeah, I certainly do. Whatever that means. My mood improves in the evening. A typical symptom of depression. As long as we’ve got r n’r. We will survive.

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

You are right Estee.  I am going to try and look at this as a positive.  This will motivate me to sort out my kitchen. 

[[Es...]]

GC, remember this Zen proverb: "The obstacle is the path."

[[Ma...]]

GC, remember this Zen proverb: "The obstacle is the path."

 

Oh I like that.....

[[ma...]]

it’s really sick that addicts are being stigmatized in the US. Unfortunately, it’s the same where I live. Few ppl are intelligent and compassionate enough to understand that addicts started using drugs or drinking excessively or both. To escape the suffering they didn’t know how to cope with otherwise. Just as we started taking BZD. Addiction is a disease, like any other

 

I do agree with this. I believe that addiction and dependence are different (the first involves psychological dependence with cravings, etc., while the second is only physical) BUT there is no blaming involved for me. However, your conversation made me realize that my circumstances are probably different from those of most people here at BB because where I live drug addiction is indeed considered and treated as a disease (see this article). I imagine that the reason why, in other threads, some people react in such an apparently irrational way when we discuss dependence/addiction is because where they live people can be arrested because of their addiction, which is totally stupid and inhumane.

 

PS - I've been following this thread in the hopes that it'd inspire me to make a big reorganization of my stuff. But although you girls are really inspiring, it seems that I'm too lazy for that

 

 

[[Ma...]]

it’s really sick that addicts are being stigmatized in the US. Unfortunately, it’s the same where I live. Few ppl are intelligent and compassionate enough to understand that addicts started using drugs or drinking excessively or both. To escape the suffering they didn’t know how to cope with otherwise . Just as we started taking BZD. Addiction is a disease, like any other

 

I do agree with this. I believe that addiction and dependence are different (the first involves psychological dependence with cravings, etc., while the second is only physical) BUT there is no blaming involved for me. However, your conversation made me realize that my circumstances are probably different from those of most people here at BB because where I live drug addiction is indeed considered and treated as a disease (see this article). I imagine that the reason why, in other threads, some people react in such an apparently irrational way when we discuss dependence/addiction is because where they live people can be arrested because of their addiction, which is totally stupid and inhumane.

 

PS - I've been following this thread in the hopes that it'd inspire me to make a big reorganization of my stuff. But although you girls are really inspiring, it seems that I'm too lazy for that

 

It's too much for me right now too , magnesi......later 

[[tr...]]

Magnesi, I don`t think we are lazy, we feel so bad of tolerance, escalation and withdrawal. Read, it's GABA that affects this, so it's probably chemical. Right now, there is only the power to breathe, and try to cure. So much more I don`t manage right now.

[[Es...]]

it’s really sick that addicts are being stigmatized in the US. Unfortunately, it’s the same where I live. Few ppl are intelligent and compassionate enough to understand that addicts started using drugs or drinking excessively or both. To escape the suffering they didn’t know how to cope with otherwise. Just as we started taking BZD. Addiction is a disease, like any other

 

I do agree with this. I believe that addiction and dependence are different (the first involves psychological dependence with cravings, etc., while the second is only physical) BUT there is no blaming involved for me. However, your conversation made me realize that my circumstances are probably different from those of most people here at BB because where I live drug addiction is indeed considered and treated as a disease (see this article). I imagine that the reason why, in other threads, some people react in such an apparently irrational way when we discuss dependence/addiction is because where they live people can be arrested because of their addiction, which is totally stupid and inhumane.

 

PS - I've been following this thread in the hopes that it'd inspire me to make a big reorganization of my stuff. But although you girls are really inspiring, it seems that I'm too lazy for that

 

Great article, Magnesi. I understand addiction as a very advanced form of dependence. As I said, in my native language there is one term for both "addiction" and "dependence". Language is an incredibly powerful thing. At first it was impossible for me to say at AA meetings that I’m a "pill addict". I almost choked on these words. I felt so humiliated... But it actually saved my ass for so many years.

 

Only when I stopped going to meetings, unconsciously started deluding myself that maybe I don’t have the addictive disease. And when my ego grew disproportionately to my possibilities. Only then my relapse started. It was progressive, extended over several years.

 

Of course, seeing heroin or meth addicts horrifies and repulses us. We are not in the streets after all. We don’t engage in illegal activities to obtain the money. We are not morally broken. Of course. Because BZD are so much milder than other mind-altering substances. We didn’t know about the dangers of BZD. Drug addicts believed themselves stronger then the drug in the beginning.

 

So we think we’re "different" from addicts. Better. Okay. Everyone believes what they want. However, I think all this is just a defensive mechanism addiction uses. Called denial.

 

As to decluttering/cleaning. Magnesi, we keep on trying...

[[ma...]]

Magnesi, I don`t think we are lazy, we feel so bad of tolerance, escalation and withdrawal. Read, it's GABA that affects this, so it's probably chemical. Right now, there is only the power to breathe, and try to cure. So much more I don`t manage right now.

 

translator, yes, I imagine it should be, I used to be good at organizing things

Of course, on top of withdrawal I have two teenagers, which is great except in what concerns organization

[[ma...]]

it’s really sick that addicts are being stigmatized in the US. Unfortunately, it’s the same where I live. Few ppl are intelligent and compassionate enough to understand that addicts started using drugs or drinking excessively or both. To escape the suffering they didn’t know how to cope with otherwise. Just as we started taking BZD. Addiction is a disease, like any other

 

I do agree with this. I believe that addiction and dependence are different (the first involves psychological dependence with cravings, etc., while the second is only physical) BUT there is no blaming involved for me. However, your conversation made me realize that my circumstances are probably different from those of most people here at BB because where I live drug addiction is indeed considered and treated as a disease (see this article). I imagine that the reason why, in other threads, some people react in such an apparently irrational way when we discuss dependence/addiction is because where they live people can be arrested because of their addiction, which is totally stupid and inhumane.

 

PS - I've been following this thread in the hopes that it'd inspire me to make a big reorganization of my stuff. But although you girls are really inspiring, it seems that I'm too lazy for that

 

Great article, Magnesi. I understand addiction as a very advanced form of dependence. As I said, in my native language there is one term for both "addiction" and "dependence". Language is an incredibly powerful thing. At first it was impossible for me to say at AA meetings that I’m a "pill addict". I almost choked on these words. I felt so humiliated... But it actually saved my ass for so many years.

 

Only when I stopped going to meetings, unconsciously started deluding myself that maybe I don’t have the addictive disease. And when my ego grew disproportionately to my possibilities. Only then my relapse started. It was progressive, extended over several years.

 

Of course, seeing heroin or meth addicts horrifies and repulses us. We are not in the streets after all. We don’t engage in illegal activities to obtain the money. We are not morally broken. Of course. Because BZD are so much milder than other mind-altering substances. We didn’t know about the dangers of BZD. Drug addicts believed themselves stronger then the drug in the beginning.

 

So we think we’re "different" from addicts. Better. Okay. Everyone believes what they want. However, I think all this is just a defensive mechanism addiction uses. Called denial.

 

As to decluttering/cleaning. Magnesi, we keep on trying...

 

Yes, Estee, I agree, nobody is better than anyone (I suspect this makes no sense in English ). Some people want to believe that because it's a way of feeling they have value- In the end, a defense mechanism as you say.

[[Es...]]

Everyone says drug addicts are using to get "high". Maybe in the beginning. However, getting "high" is the means to escape suffering. Later on, they are just using more and more drugs to feel "normal". We also take/took BZD or other psych meds in order to feel normal. IMO, stigmatizing drug or alcohol addicts is something very sad and cruel. I will never put up with it. I had many friends who died as a result of drug or alcohol addiction. I owe it to them to fight this thinking stereotype as long as I live.

 

 

 

[[Es...]]

Back to decluttering/cleaning. New day - new challenge. Translator, I hope you’re able to read this. Another

from Charlotte Faraci. On decluttering the bathroom according to the KonMari Method. One day the vision will become reality. Baby steps.

 

http://i66.tinypic.com/zvsb5f.jpg

 

[[tr...]]

Estee, thanks for your tips! Now, that I feel so bad, I'm hard to listen to English without translation. I'm still tired in the brain,  if I have to be focused. But when I feel better, I'll look, then I'll understand a little more.

[[Es...]]

Estee, thanks for your tips! Now, that I feel so bad, I'm hard to listen to English without translation. I'm still tired in the brain,  if I have to be focused. But when I feel better, I'll look, then I'll understand a little more.

 

Okay Translator. Worried about you. I’m actually better today. Many things getting on my nerves terribly, like kids yelling downstairs. But it’s like this everywhere in this freaking city. Will be exchanging the kitchen and bedroom windows for soundproof ones soon. Try to keep yourself occupied as much as you can. Many hugs.

[[Gr...]]

OH I had the worst headache yesterday.  It started at noon and didn't let up, even when I went to sleep, it was only just beginning to let up. 

 

I have bought some turmeric, ginger and black pepper to make a tea of.  I think it might help with headaches and pain, or that is what I am hoping. 

 

I have barely made a dent in any cleaning however, I did come up with an idea that I am excited about.  I have too many cloth shopping bags and I went through them and couldn't decide to get rid of any because they were all still usable.  So I am going to use them to put things in to give away, and give away the bag as well.

 

I have this giant box of books to give away that just sits inside my living room because it is too heavy to carry out!  LOL.  I am going to break it up and just put a few books in a bag so it is manageable.  I think I might have a book problem as well as a clothing problem. 

[[Es...]]

Well done, GC Seems like you’re already devising some sort of strategy.

 

We need to use our imagination a lot. The first step is always visualizing how we want it all to look like. Good idea with those bags. For me, the most important thing in organizing were paper boxes, wicker baskets and beauty bags. I keep those in drawers, closets, everywhere. I just put things belonging in the same category into the same box/beauty bag/wicker basket. I bought those boxes in IKEA and Zara Home. But IKEA is more practical.

 

I used to have many things lying on the floor during this four-year BZD nightmare. I just didn’t put them away where they belong. This never ever happened to me before 2014. After 2014, when I lost my job, I stopped caring about anything. Absolutely anything.

 

I used to write everyday in those notebooks. I still do. I filled like a dozen notebooks during the last four years. And I just left them on the floor. My father is obsessed with the fact that nothing can lay on the floor. And with cleaning the floors. Rather OCPD than OCD. Cause it doesn’t make him suffer. When I was okay, I put stuff in the drawers etc. But when I got really sick, I started leaving things on the floor. Like those notebooks. When I filled a notebook, I just left it on the floor. Instead of putting it in a drawer.

 

Then I got this washing OCD after the psych ward stay in Feb. 2016. I was in the psych ward during those 9 days of Ambien CT with different patients. But the majority were schizophrenics. Often old ppl, who urinated on the floor. Cleaning the floors consisted in passing the same mop over all the floors in that place. When I got out of the psych ward, I started washing stuff that fell on the floor. And washing my hands all the time. Then I was just afraid to touch things that lay on the floor. So I left them there. My washing OCD is now like 70% gone. So I can finally take all those things from the floor, wipe them and put them away.

 

I’m still not ready to discard my possessions. But I’m already planning what to keep and what to discard. This is all very difficult. This thread is really helpful.

[[Aj...]]

You’ll get there a Translator!

 

As you keep saying you have been much better lately.

 

Rest up!

[[Gr...]]

Today has been very good for me.  I have been slowly cleaning up in the living room area to make room for some things for the kitchen.  I have no idea how much work they are going to do tomorrow, and what is going to wait for Monday.  Our landlords are not good with this sort of thing.

 

One time, about 8 years ago, my husband's parents came to visit.  These same landlords came after the trip was already planned and suddenly said they were going to dig up our backyard and make it different with patio doors.  Well the work started the very same day my in-laws came to visit and the noise and construction started at 7am in the morning.  It was very annoying.  It was hot and we lost all access to our backyard and there was also noise. 

 

Then, the workers suddenly left, with the work only half done.  They refused to come back and it sat like that for two weeks while they tried to find someone else to fix it.  It ended up taking a whole month until it was finished by some different workers, and then different workers again.  My in-laws trip was spoiled due to their problems.

 

The landlords complain that all the workers are bad and unreliable, but I think they are not good as bosses.  I have to be prepared that this will be uncomfortable for longer than just the few days they are promising. 

[[tr...]]

Thank you Ajusta! Is now in a wave, so right now it's not that good. But maybe it's a new day tomorrow? I'm still trying to be positive, otherwise it will not work. One day at a time!

[[Aj...]]

Indeed. Minute by minute....

[[Es...]]

Today has been very good for me.  I have been slowly cleaning up in the living room area to make room for some things for the kitchen.

 

Wow, that sounds impressive.

 

I have no idea how much work they are going to do tomorrow, and what is going to wait for Monday.  Our landlords are not good with this sort of thing.

 

Unfortunately, there is always someone who makes our life difficult. It’s the landlords in your case, GC.

[[Es...]]

Thank you Ajusta! Is now in a wave, so right now it's not that good. But maybe it's a new day tomorrow? I'm still trying to be positive, otherwise it will not work. One day at a time!

 

One day at a time. Each day a new beginning.

 

[[Es...]]

http://i64.tinypic.com/rwtiqe.jpg

 

Translator, I hope you are okay. Wishing everyone a successful day in decluttering. Or at least visualizing the life of your dreams and the steps necessary to make it come true

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Yesterday was an amazing day for cleaning progress.  I must say my anxiety is super high right now as some man was just cutting a hole in my wall in my kitchen.  They have stopped for right now, but the dust...omg the dust that this is going to leave all over my kitchen.  It is going to be nasty. 

 

I did a really good job yesterday of channeling my anxious energy into cleaning, but today I feel it is harder. 

 

Do you guys find that you can use anxious energy to clean?