New 6-12 month buddy group

[[wa...]]

Need some good mornings badly...

Me, too, Colley. It's like Ground Hog Day with me every morning.  I go to bed hopeful every night, though.  But I feel sometimes like a damn fool to have hope.  WBB

[[Kl...]]

It's the afternoons and evenings giving me problems lately.. not much better

[[Fa...]]

In my case, the mornings started to improve in the first weeks of month 6. For a long while I had toxic mornings with the cortisol rush.

I awoke with a strange feeling that my body was very cold (like my internal thermostat was not working anymore  ).

I guess that downregulated GABA-receptors in my hypothalamus could explain that. The transition to (almost) normal mornings was quite abrupt. Now, in my 'wave-days', I awake calm and sx-free...the toxic feelings are gone. But the sxs come in the early afternoon and last for a couple of hours...the evenings are good again. And the next day is a WINDOW...

 

So, CH and Colley, I'm sure this will also happen to you very SOON!

 

 

[[Pe...]]

I'm struggling on this end. I've never paid much attention to my body before, and now it's just kicking my butt. I don't really know what's going on. I've been busy tweaking my diet, fermenting foods, making bone broth to heal my gut, learning about essential oils, trying to figure out about this thyroid hormone I've been put on, adjusting to glasses after never having needed glasses before this withdrawal.

 

My scare right now is that I'm having intense chest pain. My doctor seems to think it's just anxiety, though she really doesn't ask any questions about it. It's been fairly constant this past week. My blood pressure is really low, and I've been compiling my medical records only to find out that my cholesterol has been high for the past many of years, unbeknownst to me until this April.

 

My marriage is suffering. I don't think he believes me. The doctors don't believe me. He doesn't believe me. Instead I think he thinks everything is psychosomatic. He's just tired I'm sure. He's working non stop to keep us afloat, and he's barely able. I feel like I'm just a burden to him. Any time we spend together of late is just painful. I have no one else here. My son is some eight hours away. I don't know how I'm suppose to recover. I feel like it was ridiculous to think I could. I just don't know what to do, or what's worth doing.  :'(

[[Fa...]]

I'm struggling on this end. I've never paid much attention to my body before, and now it's just kicking my butt. I don't really know what's going on. I've been busy tweaking my diet, fermenting foods, making bone broth to heal my gut, learning about essential oils, trying to figure out about this thyroid hormone I've been put on, adjusting to glasses after never having needed glasses before this withdrawal.

 

My scare right now is that I'm having intense chest pain. My doctor seems to think it's just anxiety, though she really doesn't ask any questions about it. It's been fairly constant this past week. My blood pressure is really low, and I've been compiling my medical records only to find out that my cholesterol has been high for the past many of years, unbeknownst to me until this April.

 

My marriage is suffering. I don't think he believes me. The doctors don't believe me. He doesn't believe me. Instead I think he thinks everything is psychosomatic. He's just tired I'm sure. He's working non stop to keep us afloat, and he's barely able. I feel like I'm just a burden to him. Any time we spend together of late is just painful. I have no one else here. My son is some eight hours away. I don't know how I'm suppose to recover. I feel like it was ridiculous to think I could. I just don't know what to do, or what's worth doing.  :'(

 

Hi PeCvJw,

So sorry to read that you are struggling with the chest pain. What a relief that your doctor ruled out cardiac origin. Sxs in w/d are just weird and can mimick everything.

And yes, I very much relate to you: there is apparently a "wall" between us and family members, friends - they can't truly understand the terrible process we are going through (fortunately for them!). But please remember that you are not alone in this journey! You have a wonderful, supportive community on your side. They can inform and help you. I'm sure you'll eventually figure out by yourself "what's worth doing".

My best wishes, FS

[[Me...]]

Going on month 9 and I have zero physical symptoms but a lot of mental ones. Biggest one is a detached feeling like DR and it constant. It sucks! I was only on this drug for like 6-8 months.

[[Co...]]

Hey Buddies, how's everyone doing?

 

PeCvJw, I hear you - no one can understand this, and it's tough on those close to us. 

 

Hi Meech - I still have dp/dr too, and it's awful.  It's one of the most subtle symptoms, and yet the worst in many ways, because it's the crazy-making stuff.

 

I need help and encouragement today - I'm in an awful wave.  I feel like I'm almost back in acute.  Everything is worse.  Symptoms that were gone are back again, even things like sleep apnea and air hunger.  The mental stuff is just torture. 

 

Earlier today I was freaking out a bit, but I have a better grip on myself now, so I think it's letting up a bit.  I've read things about the "six month wave."  Have any of you who are further along experienced this too?  Can you share your experience with me?  Does it last long?  Can I expect my baseline to be improved when it clears up?

 

Thanks.  I'm so grateful for all of you.  :smitten: 

[[te...]]

I'm struggling on this end. I've never paid much attention to my body before, and now it's just kicking my butt. I don't really know what's going on. I've been busy tweaking my diet, fermenting foods, making bone broth to heal my gut, learning about essential oils, trying to figure out about this thyroid hormone I've been put on, adjusting to glasses after never having needed glasses before this withdrawal.

 

My scare right now is that I'm having intense chest pain. My doctor seems to think it's just anxiety, though she really doesn't ask any questions about it. It's been fairly constant this past week. My blood pressure is really low, and I've been compiling my medical records only to find out that my cholesterol has been high for the past many of years, unbeknownst to me until this April.

 

My marriage is suffering. I don't think he believes me. The doctors don't believe me. He doesn't believe me. Instead I think he thinks everything is psychosomatic. He's just tired I'm sure. He's working non stop to keep us afloat, and he's barely able. I feel like I'm just a burden to him. Any time we spend together of late is just painful. I have no one else here. My son is some eight hours away. I don't know how I'm suppose to recover. I feel like it was ridiculous to think I could. I just don't know what to do, or what's worth doing.  :'(

 

hi PeCvJw, just wanted to say that i'm so sorry for all you are going through. maybe you could have your husband come on here and read some of the posts or success stories? there is also a lengthy wikipedia entry on Benzo Withdrawal, if that might help convince him that what you are going through is real. you have so much going on and you must be so overwhelmed. hope you can tackle things one step at a time as you are able. i'll be praying for you

[[te...]]

Going on month 9 and I have zero physical symptoms but a lot of mental ones. Biggest one is a detached feeling like DR and it constant. It sucks! I was only on this drug for like 6-8 months.

 

hi Meech, glad you don't have any physical symptoms but sorry about the DR. i am almost 9 months out and my worst symptom is insomnia. i was only on Klonopin for ~1 month, and still getting punished for it.

[[te...]]

Hey Buddies, how's everyone doing?

 

PeCvJw, I hear you - no one can understand this, and it's tough on those close to us. 

 

Hi Meech - I still have dp/dr too, and it's awful.  It's one of the most subtle symptoms, and yet the worst in many ways, because it's the crazy-making stuff.

 

I need help and encouragement today - I'm in an awful wave.  I feel like I'm almost back in acute.  Everything is worse.  Symptoms that were gone are back again, even things like sleep apnea and air hunger.  The mental stuff is just torture. 

 

Earlier today I was freaking out a bit, but I have a better grip on myself now, so I think it's letting up a bit.  I've read things about the "six month wave."  Have any of you who are further along experienced this too?  Can you share your experience with me?  Does it last long?  Can I expect my baseline to be improved when it clears up?

 

Thanks.  I'm so grateful for all of you.  :smitten:

 

hi ComingHome, how are you feeling today? hope the bad wave lets up soon...

i had a bad night last night, so am muddling my way through the day

 

[[Pe...]]

Good Morning All,

I say that as a generic salutation because it doesn't really feel like a good morning. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers, but today my faith feels dead. You know an inability to handle stress is one of the key component parts of dealing in withdrawal, and the stresses of my life right now feel unbearable given a healthy state of affairs.

 

Last night my son called from some 8 hours away, he's happy, and that's good, but he's moved in with his girlfriend at 18 years of age, and where they're staying they don't even have electricity. They don't have the money, and I'm in no position to help them as I'm out of work, and my husband is working some 70 hours a week to keep us afloat. The stress from that conversation and my husband's hostility toward me in feeling that I should just be able to snap out, plus his honest exhaustion, sent me spiraling in a rage last night and into this morning. He threatened to leave me, that's a fairly regular occurrence nowadays. I couldn't sleep as feelings of suicide, raged through my head as I feel no good for anyone, and I feel too cowardly to die.

 

I don't know what to do, and it's hard to find hope to hold on to. I don't believe in bipolar disorder though that's what I was diagnosed with after being put on SSRI's and feeling manic some many years ago. No amount of treatment made anything better, things only got worse. I've tried so hard for all of these years, going from a high school drop out to getting my BA, graduating magna cum laude, and going on to graduate with honors with my MPA, but it didn't pay off. Instead, it resulted in insurmountable student loads, and now a mind that's paralyzed from even beginning to be able to put my degree to work. I taught school for a long time. I tried to help students who struggled like I had when I was younger, but my inability to establish appropriate boundaries just left me vulnerable to taking on all of the pain they endured, further breaking me down. Now I've lost that, and I've no desire to go back to teaching, but taking on a career change in the midst of this all feels daunting at best.

 

I recently reached out to my pastor at church, and he blew me off. I really have no idea why. I asked to meet with him and talk about some of what's going on, and he responded, saying he might be able to fit me in next week, and he asked me what was going on. I responded telling him I was going through some really difficult times, and he never responded back. That was a week and a half ago, and I haven't heard anything back from him. I went to church this past Sunday, and he didn't say anything to me. I don't know what to do.

 

On top of it all, I'm now battling with thyroid issues, taking a synthetic hormone, and running out of insurance. I don't know what keeps me around most days. I don't have any friends or community. Our finances are running thin. My son is struggling, and I'm in no position to help him. My marriage is in really bad shape. I have very little family and the family I do have has there own issues and/or sees my burden as too much to bare. This world seems cruel and broken, and I know that I am equal parts both despite all my best intentions. My condition and my trauma has kept me isolated for so long, and now when I attempt to reach out, I'm a mess and perceived in a similar light only to be negated.

 

I wonder why I'm fighting so hard to live if this is what living is all about. I understand that people care, but what can anyone do when we're all struggling so hard in and of ourselves to carry our own loads. We talk about benzo withdrawals on this forum, and the benzos in and of themselves are painful to endure. Have I taken on an impossible Herculean feat in trying to get off all of these medications? Is the damage I've done and that's been done to my body simply too much to pray for reversal? I don't know. Where do I find success stories, stories where people who have been on a whole slew of drugs for over a decade are able to thrive. That's what I need to hear about. I don't even know where to look. And still yet I wonder if I'd believe that could ever be me.

 

How do you all maintain sanity day in and day out in this suffering? I come from a broken home, all kinds of trauma growing up. I've fought to believe that those things don't define me, but I don't know where to look for hope in healing or what health looks like. I don't want to be foolish holding on to a pipe dream, and I feel that's what I've done for so long, too long, and I don't know what hope to hold on to to believe in that pipe dream anymore. It use to be my son, but now that he's gone, and that my marriage is broken, and that my church isn't responsive, I feel lost. I look to the Bible, and none of the stories speak of a life of ease. I taught history, and the stories of old fail in inspiring hope. Where do I turn to believe in living?

 

I'm sure this all sounds a mess. I wonder if the forum will knock me off for my honesty, for dragging others down in sharing my pain. I know it's a one moment at a time sort of thing, but what does that even look like? In months 1-6 I was desperately scared all the time, now I'm exhausted in my fear.

 

What now?

[[Co...]]

PeCvJw, I'm sorry that this has been so difficult for you - no one should ever have to suffer like this. 

 

I hear a lot of pain in your story, but I can also see that you're a fighter.  You're going to be okay.  You really are.  I know how terrible and frightening it is, but you're going to come through this just fine. 

 

Be good to yourself. 

[[wa...]]

Many of us have complex life stories that led us to benzo use.  Whether it was prescribed from a doc - or procured from the street, most of us got into this kind of drug because we had symptoms of one sort of another that accompany a stressful and traumatic history.  And the s**t often hits the fan for different folks at different times when we are sorting out what is happening to our bodies as the result of using these drugs. 

 

I use this forum to figure this out and rely on people here for guidance.  I never, ever asked help from a family member or other (church, colleague, etc.)  Because, unless you have been through it  - they simply cannot understand and can even be harmful.

 

My sig says Lunesta which is still classified as a "non benzo" benzo.  Which made me feel even more crazy since I knew something was really wrong and it was because of this drug.  But like others, I have other probs that required other worthless drugs over the years, SSRIS, opiods and Ativan was in there and I guarantee it caused problems that were addressed with even more drugs and even surgery!  I even went to support groups for panic which I had never experienced before.  In retrospect it was probably Ativan and Vicodin w/d  Also, in retrospect, I bet half those poor souls were in tolerance or w/d.  WHat a stupid drug!

 

So, what I am saying PeCvJW -- is that you'll be OK.  Don't look back until you have more time off.  ANd even then, if you open the door on your old life just to see  - close it soon after.  No point staring at stuff that won't help you now.  WBB

[[Re...]]

Many of us have complex life stories that led us to benzo use.  Whether it was prescribed from a doc - or procured from the street, most of us got into this kind of drug because we had symptoms of one sort of another that accompany a stressful and traumatic history.  And the s**t often hits the fan for different folks at different times when we are sorting out what is happening to our bodies as the result of using these drugs. 

 

I use this forum to figure this out and rely on people here for guidance.  I never, ever asked help from a family member or other (church, colleague, etc.)  Because, unless you have been through it  - they simply cannot understand and can even be harmful.

 

My sig says Lunesta which is still classified as a "non benzo" benzo.  Which made me feel even more crazy since I knew something was really wrong and it was because of this drug.  But like others, I have other probs that required other worthless drugs over the years, SSRIS, opiods and Ativan was in there and I guarantee it caused problems that were addressed with even more drugs and even surgery!  I even went to support groups for panic which I had never experienced before.  In retrospect it was probably Ativan and Vicodin w/d  Also, in retrospect, I bet half those poor souls were in tolerance or w/d.  WHat a stupid drug!

 

So, what I am saying PeCvJW -- is that you'll be OK.  Don't look back until you have more time off.  ANd even then, if you open the door on your old life just to see  - close it soon after.  No point staring at stuff that won't help you now.  WBB

This is one of the most insightful wise posts i have read about recovery from benzos, great post wannabebetter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[Co...]]

I love this too, WBB.

 

"Don't look back until you have more time off.  ANd even then, if you open the door on your old life just to see  - close it soon after.  No point staring at stuff that won't help you now."

[[Fa...]]

Many of us have complex life stories that led us to benzo use.  Whether it was prescribed from a doc - or procured from the street, most of us got into this kind of drug because we had symptoms of one sort of another that accompany a stressful and traumatic history.  And the s**t often hits the fan for different folks at different times when we are sorting out what is happening to our bodies as the result of using these drugs. 

 

I use this forum to figure this out and rely on people here for guidance.  I never, ever asked help from a family member or other (church, colleague, etc.)  Because, unless you have been through it  - they simply cannot understand and can even be harmful.

 

My sig says Lunesta which is still classified as a "non benzo" benzo.  Which made me feel even more crazy since I knew something was really wrong and it was because of this drug.  But like others, I have other probs that required other worthless drugs over the years, SSRIS, opiods and Ativan was in there and I guarantee it caused problems that were addressed with even more drugs and even surgery!  I even went to support groups for panic which I had never experienced before.  In retrospect it was probably Ativan and Vicodin w/d  Also, in retrospect, I bet half those poor souls were in tolerance or w/d.  WHat a stupid drug!

 

So, what I am saying PeCvJW -- is that you'll be OK.  Don't look back until you have more time off.  ANd even then, if you open the door on your old life just to see  - close it soon after.  No point staring at stuff that won't help you now.  WBB

 

Thanks a lot web for the excellent piece of wisdom!

I wish you strength and continued healing.

[[Pe...]]

Absolutely, I appreciate that. This part especially:

 

So, what I am saying PeCvJW -- is that you'll be OK.  Don't look back until you have more time off.  ANd even then, if you open the door on your old life just to see  - close it soon after.  No point staring at stuff that won't help you now.

 

I appreciate the meditate on things that are worthy of praise, but as you all know the condition that our condition is in doesn't always facilitate that iron will on all levels. But I find it hard to imagine not sharing with those we're in community with. I don't want to believe that the world is that cold, but I could just be naive. Though I will be stubbornly naive. I wouldn't have been able to survive this long without talking to my family. We need human communication more than just a computer screen to remember that we're human in the midst of all of this, that we can engage with people, that we can trust again for the first time, etc.

 

Just my two cents.

[[wa...]]

It was not the computer screen by itself that validated me along this process but the people I connected with through the screen that saved me (and still are saving me).  If there are people in your life that are supportive, validating and understanding  - that is awesome and you are certainly lucky!  My hubby is pretty good but he has a blind spot when it comes to patience and benzo w/d.  I always retreat to this forum to get me through.  WBB

[[Pe...]]

No doubt it's a blessing to you and many as it has been to me.

[[Fa...]]

Hello,

How is everyone doing?

 

I'm 6 months 3 weeks out and I experience the second long window since I've jumped off benzos. I'm definitely a wave-window healer. The first long window lasted nearly 3 weeks (in month 3). Since 9 days I'm again in a window. It's not great but I feel 90-95% healed. My vitality is coming back  I still experience mild anxiety, fatigue and dificulty in concentration. Many sxs are completely gone though some new sxs pop up - all of these are manageable. I know that I'm not yet out of the woods... but I clearly see an improvement in the baseline. Did anyone turn a corner in month 7-8? Thanks a lot.

 

I wish you all the best and a speedy healing.

Fallingstar

[[Me...]]

I'm like 10 months out and hit with a wave of dp/DR dizziness and it's tacking a toll on me it's making me real sad. If this healed I would be so happy !

[[wa...]]

Me too, Meech.  Mornings are long and awful no matter what I do.  Scared sometimes.  WBB

[[Fa...]]

Meech and Wannabebetter: I'm so sorry to read that. What about the baseline? Can you notice a little improvement of the baseline condition over the last months? I'm sure there is small but steady improvement...though not always measurable. Hold on there!

[[Kl...]]

Hi guys, hope.you are doing well. Just posted my 10 month update:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=185442.0

 

I went to see Dunkirk at the movies after I posted that and it was the most intense movie I've seen in a long time. I was able to fully enjoy and handle it, not sure I would have a month ago things do get better, let's keep on going buddies.

 

 

[[Kl...]]

How is everyone doing? I'm just a few days away from 10 1/2 months and things have been a bit crappy this past week. Malaise / body aches back again, nasty waves of nerve pain. I've had some great 100% windows in the past couple weeks, but feeling a bit discouraged.

 

Hopefully getting to the 12th month will be a big improvement :/