Long-Term Users group - w/d and recovery after longterm use

[[Ma...]]

listen to your body and try to stay away from the benzo lies. you will learn what the benzo lies are in time or maybe you already know. anything that is over the top fearful and obsessive and not balanced perspective.

 

So sorry you are still hurting PD.  You must be healing, bc the advice you gave Maya is wonderfully insightful.  Oh the benzo lies!!!

 

I learned long ago in CBT that the first sign of healing was being able to recognize and catch ourselves when engaging in harmful or negative self talk, habits.  You are doing this, evident by your post, so healing in many ways it seems.

 

Take good care,

WR

 

 

thank you WR! i needed to hear what you said tonight. very very hard day and night. even i couldn't get away from some of the benzo lies today. was getting really discouraged because of the head symptoms that are still happening when i think they should be done by now. i just can't believe it sometimes. i have to remind myself that the "withdrawal" is still happening and i am just not quite released from it yet. i pray and pray that it be done at some point. i do hope deeper healings are still happening when i have days like today.  but thank you! even i still need to be on here to get the good feedback from all of you even though i am probably further out than most on here.

 

 

Maya,

 

i know about being on this drug long term and trying to taper. i tried to taper for 9 year every single day and i just couldn't do it. if i had known about The Ashton Manual and this forum and all i know now about benzo withdrawal i may have done a nice slow taper but i always was doing these rapid tapers and then reinstating not knowing what "reinstating" was... i even tried to taper from The Ashton Manual not knowing really what Ashton Manual was and even that was too fast for me i guess or i just couldn't stick with it. so i had to do the next best thing even if it meant that my life was in the balance. i just wanted so deperately to get off the drug so i understand when you say your frustrated in that you maybe still tapering over a year. my mother took 2 years to taper from xanax by doing a cross over to valium and she was left with minimal symptoms and fully functional so keep that in mind. i am still not functional.

 

 

Pretty

Pretty,

I'm so sorry you went through that. It's awful that our Drs know how to get us in the drug, but don't know the harm it does and how to get us safely off it. I am so grateful I found this site! I can't follow th Ashton manual either. I could before from 8-4mg I did .5mg cuts every 2 weeks or so. I didn't know of the Ashton manual then. Now I cut 5% and have some bad sxs. I'm considering MT. I'm sure you would have found a taper that worked for you. At least you got off the drug and you will be completely healed. I'm sorry you are still suffering, but you will fully heal. It sounds like your mom did things the right way. I am going to end up doing an over a year taper, most likely. I do get frustrated, but I accept that it is what's best for me. My dr won't allow me to c/o to valium, at least not now. I hope you are having a good weekend!

 

XO Maya

[[ca...]]

Hope everyone is doing ok today And @ Nova i read what you said about previous  cuts catching up to you a bit farther then we think and i agree ! I so wish i could get a pattern on all of this  ~CD

[[Ma...]]

Nova,

Thank you so much for that thread. It is very helpful. I am all too familiar with benzo lies!

 

Beth,

Thank you so much for sharing! It gives me hope!

 

I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

 

XO Maya 

[[Ma...]]

I wonder if I am having the problem with previous cuts catching up with me. I cut .25mgs in May and felt pretty good and then 10 days later cut another .25mg and that was the worst cut I have ever made. It took me at least a month and half to stabilize. Then on July 26th I cut .125mg and was fine and then two days ago I cut .169mg and it was a lot harder than the last cut. I also really wonder if MT is a better idea at my dose because I ant do big cuts anyway. I still need to figure what works best for me. Thank you all for listening 

[[pr...]]

I wonder if I am having the problem with previous cuts catching up with me. I cut .25mgs in May and felt pretty good and then 10 days later cut another .25mg and that was the worst cut I have ever made. It took me at least a month and half to stabilize. Then on July 26th I cut .125mg and was fine and then two days ago I cut .169mg and it was a lot harder than the last cut. I also really wonder if MT is a better idea at my dose because I ant do big cuts anyway. I still need to figure what works best for me. Thank you all for listening 

 

 

Maya,

 

is MT (micro tapering)?

 

sounds llike your lag time from the cuts make you not really know what is from what? i think one can enver really know if say a cut from 10 days ago -- how it will affect you? the brain could be having a wave from a different cut that you may not remember or be aware about and you think it's just from the last cut -- it may not be...if this makes sense? it's just so bizarre when it comes to this drug and the way the waves and windows and healing is.

[[ca...]]

I wonder if I am having the problem with previous cuts catching up with me. I cut .25mgs in May and felt pretty good and then 10 days later cut another .25mg and that was the worst cut I have ever made. It took me at least a month and half to stabilize. Then on July 26th I cut .125mg and was fine and then two days ago I cut .169mg and it was a lot harder than the last cut. I also really wonder if MT is a better idea at my dose because I ant do big cuts anyway. I still need to figure what works best for me. Thank you all for listening 

Pretty, yes MT = micro tapering and for sure if one could get a grip or understanding on just when a cut hits or heals but  nothing is linear about this which makes it so draining and yes scary! Be well ~CD

 

 

Maya,

 

is MT (micro tapering)?

 

sounds llike your lag time from the cuts make you not really know what is from what? i think one can enver really know if say a cut from 10 days ago -- how it will affect you? the brain could be having a wave from a different cut that you may not remember or be aware about and you think it's just from the last cut -- it may not be...if this makes sense? it's just so bizarre when it comes to this drug and the way the waves and windows and healing is.

[[Ma...]]

I wonder if I am having the problem with previous cuts catching up with me. I cut .25mgs in May and felt pretty good and then 10 days later cut another .25mg and that was the worst cut I have ever made. It took me at least a month and half to stabilize. Then on July 26th I cut .125mg and was fine and then two days ago I cut .169mg and it was a lot harder than the last cut. I also really wonder if MT is a better idea at my dose because I ant do big cuts anyway. I still need to figure what works best for me. Thank you all for listening 

 

 

Maya,

 

is MT (micro tapering)?

 

sounds llike your lag time from the cuts make you not really know what is from what? i think one can enver really know if say a cut from 10 days ago -- how it will affect you? the brain could be having a wave from a different cut that you may not remember or be aware about and you think it's just from the last cut -- it may not be...if this makes sense? it's just so bizarre when it comes to this drug and the way the waves and windows and healing is.

 

Yes, it is micro tapering. You completely make sense. It is so bizarre. I think I need to let go of trying to make complete sense of it. I won't taper until what I feel is stabilized. I have been in tolerance withdrawal for years, so my baseline is different than others. I couldn't work even before I started tapering again.

[[pr...]]

I wonder if I am having the problem with previous cuts catching up with me. I cut .25mgs in May and felt pretty good and then 10 days later cut another .25mg and that was the worst cut I have ever made. It took me at least a month and half to stabilize. Then on July 26th I cut .125mg and was fine and then two days ago I cut .169mg and it was a lot harder than the last cut. I also really wonder if MT is a better idea at my dose because I ant do big cuts anyway. I still need to figure what works best for me. Thank you all for listening 

 

 

Maya,

 

is MT (micro tapering)?

 

sounds llike your lag time from the cuts make you not really know what is from what? i think one can enver really know if say a cut from 10 days ago -- how it will affect you? the brain could be having a wave from a different cut that you may not remember or be aware about and you think it's just from the last cut -- it may not be...if this makes sense? it's just so bizarre when it comes to this drug and the way the waves and windows and healing is.

 

Yes, it is micro tapering. You completely make sense. It is so bizarre. I think I need to let go of trying to make complete sense of it. I won't taper until what I feel is stabilized. I have been in tolerance withdrawal for years, so my baseline is different than others. I couldn't work even before I started tapering again.

 

 

when i started back on the klonopin in 2002 after being off it for 7 years -- i couldn't work anymore in year 2005 and haven't been able to since. so it was 7 years of tolerance withdrawal and now 3 years after the cold turkey/ i can't even remember what it felt like to work. i had my own business as an Esthetician (skin care therapists) and was doing quite well.

 

yeah, it's best to try to let go making any sense of this. i ask the same questions to the Universe over and over about these head symptoms and then i tell myself that i won't ask anymore questions about it because i will never know the answer to why these head symptoms are they way they are and are still happening. i just hope they stop altogether at some point.

[[Ma...]]

That is awful! Klonopin does so much harm! I have been in tolerance wd probably 7 years. I haven't worked in over a year. I actually have my license in esthetics. I only did 300 hr course and never did anything with it because it wasn't my passion. I loved learning about skin care and hair removal. You will heal. I really hope it's soon!

 

Ugh, it's so hard to do that. I'm trying to just let go of making sense of it. You will heal!

[[pr...]]

That is awful! Klonopin does so much harm! I have been in tolerance wd probably 7 years. I haven't worked in over a year. I actually have my license in esthetics. I only did 300 hr course and never did anything with it because it wasn't my passion. I loved learning about skin care and hair removal. You will heal. I really hope it's soon!

 

Ugh, it's so hard to do that. I'm trying to just let go of making sense of it. You will heal!

 

 

thanks Maya! 7 years is a long time to be in tolerance withdrawal. just keep moving forward with your taper. yeah, Esthetics is not my passion either. i am a singer/songwriter but due to klonopin i was only able to release one record so far. the second one is still sitting at the producers studio for about a decade now. i know he has given up on me. i go over daily all that i want to say to him for him to believe all i've been through. i have every intention of finishing the second record. i hope i can one day soon.

[[Ma...]]

That is awful! Klonopin does so much harm! I have been in tolerance wd probably 7 years. I haven't worked in over a year. I actually have my license in esthetics. I only did 300 hr course and never did anything with it because it wasn't my passion. I loved learning about skin care and hair removal. You will heal. I really hope it's soon!

 

Ugh, it's so hard to do that. I'm trying to just let go of making sense of it. You will heal!

 

 

thanks Maya! 7 years is a long time to be in tolerance withdrawal. just keep moving forward with your taper. yeah, Esthetics is not my passion either. i am a singer/songwriter but due to klonopin i was only able to release one record so far. the second one is still sitting at the producers studio for about a decade now. i know he has given up on me. i go over daily all that i want to say to him for him to believe all i've been through. i have every intention of finishing the second record. i hope i can one day soon.

It is a long time. I'm grateful that I'm now in the path to be healed and I realize all the harm klonopin has done. I will keeping moving forward with my taper. I am not feeling great right now. Wow, that's great that you are a singer/songwriter! I'm sorry you haven't been able to release your second album yet. You will! That is how I feel about not having gotten a PhD or even a masters degree. That is due to klonopin. I truly believe we will heal and be able to achieve what we are really capable of! Stay strong!

XO Maya

[[pr...]]

That is awful! Klonopin does so much harm! I have been in tolerance wd probably 7 years. I haven't worked in over a year. I actually have my license in esthetics. I only did 300 hr course and never did anything with it because it wasn't my passion. I loved learning about skin care and hair removal. You will heal. I really hope it's soon!

 

Ugh, it's so hard to do that. I'm trying to just let go of making sense of it. You will heal!

 

 

thanks Maya! 7 years is a long time to be in tolerance withdrawal. just keep moving forward with your taper. yeah, Esthetics is not my passion either. i am a singer/songwriter but due to klonopin i was only able to release one record so far. the second one is still sitting at the producers studio for about a decade now. i know he has given up on me. i go over daily all that i want to say to him for him to believe all i've been through. i have every intention of finishing the second record. i hope i can one day soon.

It is a long time. I'm grateful that I'm now in the path to be healed and I realize all the harm klonopin has done. I will keeping moving forward with my taper. I am not feeling great right now. Wow, that's great that you are a singer/songwriter! I'm sorry you haven't been able to release your second album yet. You will! That is how I feel about not having gotten a PhD or even a masters degree. That is due to klonopin. I truly believe we will heal and be able to achieve what we are really capable of! Stay strong!

XO Maya

 

thank you! you too! just keep micro tapering until you're free!

[[Ma...]]

Thank you! I will! Keep me updated on how you're doing. I am wishing you well! 

[[...]]

I find this thread to be very interesting and helpful. I have been on Clonazepam/Xanax for so long I really DON'T KNOW how long...at least 25 years. Today is a significant day for me because it is my JUMP DAY. I am so pumped and hyper today I can't believe how well I feel. I know there may be rough spots in the road ahead, but I'll just wait and see.

 

It was not until I  got well into my taper that I realized how addicted I had become. Instead of a steady 4mg/day peak, I was taking K on more of a PRN basis, so some days I might take 1 mg. and on other high stress days I was taking 6-8 mg. The symptoms that hit me the hardest were becoming completely numb and disconnected to my surroundings and to other people...family, friends or coworkers. My wife knew I was hitting the K hard this spring when I felt no emotions at all and my short and medium term memory was almost gone. The short term memory is now functioning well, but I can't tell you what I did a month or two months ago. I can't even remember the ultimatum given to me this spring by my wife of 48 years. I'm actually embarrassed for things of the past, but I'm also grateful that my family and the BB family has offered me so much unconditional love and support.

 

I met with my PCP today and discussed my withdrawal and how he & I must work together to never compromise my life again from ANY drugs that can become addictive. I am almost 70 years old and could very well live another 20 years and I want these last 20 years to be a happy time for my family and for myself. I know that the only way I could have withdrawn from this hellish drug was through Divine help and support from people like you. 

[[pr...]]

Thank you! I will! Keep me updated on how you're doing. I am wishing you well! 

 

 

i just read your signature. that is a lot of klonopin. when i got back on the klonopin after being off it for those 7 years, the first 1 1/2 i would get up to 22mg on some days but it was mostlly between about 6-8 mg sometimes 12mg. just like you and zion. then in 2004 is when i started trying to taper. i always did too fast of rapid tapers and would get down to about .5mg and just be totally bed ridden and couldn't move for weeks at a time so then i always had to updose or reinstate. it was on and off like that until i finally c/t'd in 2012. so glad that you're tapering.

[[NY...]]

I find this thread to be very interesting and helpful. I have been on Clonazepam/Xanax for so long I really DON'T KNOW how long...at least 25 years. Today is a significant day for me because it is my JUMP DAY. I am so pumped and hyper today I can't believe how well I feel. I know there may be rough spots in the road ahead, but I'll just wait and see.

 

It was not until I  got well into my taper that I realized how addicted I had become. Instead of a steady 4mg/day peak, I was taking K on more of a PRN basis, so some days I might take 1 mg. and on other high stress days I was taking 6-8 mg. The symptoms that hit me the hardest were becoming completely numb and disconnected to my surroundings and to other people...family, friends or coworkers. My wife knew I was hitting the K hard this spring when I felt no emotions at all and my short and medium term memory was almost gone. The short term memory is now functioning well, but I can't tell you what I did a month or two months ago. I can't even remember the ultimatum given to me this spring by my wife of 48 years. I'm actually embarrassed for things of the past, but I'm also grateful that my family and the BB family has offered me so much unconditional love and support.

 

I met with my PCP today and discussed my withdrawal and how he & I must work together to never compromise my life again from ANY drugs that can become addictive. I am almost 70 years old and could very well live another 20 years and I want these last 20 years to be a happy time for my family and for myself. I know that the only way I could have withdrawn from this hellish drug was through Divine help and support from people like you. 

 

Woohoo!!!!!  Smiling big for you Zion!  The whole nightmare coming to a close soon my friend...brighter, calmer, clearer days ahead. 

[[NY...]]

I was a 6-10er too.  Soon soon soon I will be free like you, zion and pdaisey.  Oh I cant wait for jump day. Wd isn't scaring me anymore (much)...such a bad association/hx with k, just want OFF.  Three and a half months to go on the rx chain gang. 

[[Ma...]]

Thank you! I will! Keep me updated on how you're doing. I am wishing you well! 

 

 

i just read your signature. that is a lot of klonopin. when i got back on the klonopin after being off it for those 7 years, the first 1 1/2 i would get up to 22mg on some days but it was mostlly between about 6-8 mg sometimes 12mg. just like you and zion. then in 2004 is when i started trying to taper. i always did too fast of rapid tapers and would get down to about .5mg and just be totally bed ridden and couldn't move for weeks at a time so then i always had to updose or reinstate. it was on and off like that until i finally c/t'd in 2012. so glad that you're tapering.

It is. I had no clue that it was. I trusted my Drs. Going down by .5mg every 5 days is how my p/doc recommends tapering. I'm glad I now know better and that he lets me do what I want. I feel bad for his other patients. If I had done a rapid taper I would have ended up the same way. I don't know how you survived c/t. That takes a lot of strength. I'm sorry you had to get off klonopin that way. At least you are off. thank you! Im glad I found BB!

[[Ma...]]

Zion,

Yay!!! Congrats on jumping! Your story gives me hope! Wishing you well on your new benzo free journey!

 

XO Maya

[[El...]]

This is an awesome thread!!

I've been on Klonopin for 15 years now.Or 16,I'm not sure.My memory is all effed up.I'm not sure about so many things it's scary.

I'd gone off of K cold turkey once a few years back and that experience still haunts me.

I've been tapering for 5 months and it's my third day completelly off of it now. I'm taking carbazemapine as my dr says this will prevent seizures which is what I'm really afraid of.

I'm not so sure the taper was slow enough either,though,but i'm determined to push on. I don't know if i slept in the past few nights.i think i might have,but i'm not certain.sometimes i'd wake up and realize i was awake all along.waking dreams.reality all tangled up and distorted.

 

Eyes hurt really bad and things seem weird.angry at my boyfriend all the time but not sure if it's benzo rage or am i just irritable all the time.i'm pretty sure he's got no clue what's happening to me.he's read a bit on the topic but probably not extensively enough. He wants to discuss tents and sleeping bags (we're planning a big motorcycle trip in spring), and dinner,and visiting friends and watching movies and i'm just laying on the floor in sheer terror and i don'tknow what to say.sometimes i wish he would leave me before it gets worse.sometimes i feel like yelling at him,no,howling and baring teeth.

 

I regret not trying ayahuasca when i was in Peru.i don't really know how it works but i've heard people' being healed' with ayahuasca within less than a week.i should have at least given it a try??

 

I know this will somehow eventually get better but i also know it will get worse before it gets better.i wonder how much worse.surely it can't get as bad as when i went cold turkey?or can it? I obsess about it and then i obsess about obsessing and then i get even more terrified.carbamazepine is supposed to help against seizures and muscle cramps but i was clenching my jaw hard for over an hour and only realized i was doing it when my teeth started hurting.

 

I despise all those doctors who for some reason believed Klonopin was the right drug for a 14-year-old.or my parents who didn't do any research and trusted the docs blindly.when i was able to educate myself on K it was already too late.

 

No point thinking of that now,i know.but i'm obsessing about everything.

 

Sometimes i'm just staring at things for ages.i was a successful journalist,i used to travel the remote parts of the world,i used to enjoy motorcycles and horse riding and i used to write and came so close to being published,and i was lovely and funny and now i'm a repulsive ruin of a human being.and all this because of...little pills.

 

Daylight is too bright and i feel like i'm some slimy creature of the shadows.i feel like i exist in some uncoscious state.im officially a troglodite.

 

Sorry for the long rant.im about to enter hell and i guess it feels less lonely when im browsing this forum.

 

Thank you all for simply being.

[[Ma...]]

ElleJolli,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I don't know how much klonopin you were on, but 5 months sounds like a kinda quick taper for a long time user. It also depends on the person. My taper will probably take over a year. You shouldn't be at risk after a week of being off it completely.

 

I get irritable too. It's hard for people who aren't going through it to understand. My boyfriend doesn't completely understand.

 

I have never heard of ayahuasca, so I don't know if it's worth a try.

 

Wow, I can't believe they put you on it at 14. I was 18. I also have to push myself to not look back in anger, but move forward. At least you're off the poison.

 

You will heal! I don't know if you are in acute withdrawal or what. I don't know enough to say. It may get worse first or you may just start getting better. Either way you will heal!

 

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time!

 

SO Maya

[[pr...]]

Ellejolli.

 

i just read about ayahuasca and sounds like something i would definitely want to try. i wish i could find a shaman here near where i live and try it but i would be kinda afraid to try anything since i feel i am still kindling from the cold turkey.

 

but it sounds wonderful and i wish that something like that would just happen to me just because you know? that deep and profound spiritual awakening. i did have something similar on a magic mushroom high one time. some BB's on here even speak about magic mushrooms having a healing affect on the brain and relieving trauma. that is also something i would like to try again at some point. something about those hallucinagens. funny because most nights as i am falling asleep i get caught in the hypnagogic state a lot which i usually love but lately been having some really strong beings/spirits/hallucinations who taunt and screw with me. it's funny because i tell them two things and always one after the other which is:

 

"may peace be with you" and "go fuck yourself" i say both things to these beings that mess with me and i awake laughing but sometimes feeling really traumatized too.

 

i also don't know how much you tapered by 5 months isn't that long of a time. i did a cold turkey from klonopin and i am still have terror and brutal head symptoms here at the 36 month mark. terrible terrible idea. i just couldn't taper rightly. and i don't know how i survived this? i actually don't think anything (even ayahuasca probably wouldn't be a remedy for benzo withdrawal, and i don't think anything is except time).

 

and came so close to being published,and i was lovely and funny and now i'm a repulsive ruin of a human being.and all this because of...little pills.

 

i feel the same way you do about being a repulsive ruin of a human being but it's not a forever thing so dont worry. our spirits are stronger than withdrawal and one day we will be ourselves or even better again.

 

 

Pretty

 

 

 

 

[[El...]]

Thanks guys.Your support means the world to me!!

 

Maya: yeah I find it extremely difficult not to look back and get furious.I do try-what's done is done-but I get really mad sometines,who in their right mind would prescribe this poison to a teenager??What makes me even more angry is that this evil drug is STILL being prescribed so lightly.It's disgusting.I honestly can't comprehend it.

 

As for boyfriend issues,I'm really at a loss here. Did your bf read upon the subject, or did you tell him yourself? I really love my bf dearly but I don't know how to explain all this to him. He did some reading but I'm not sure it's enough. Wish there was some sort of a manual for the significant others-what to expect and how to deal with your so going through benzo withdrawal hell?.. I love Marc so much but I'm not sure how all this is going to go if I continue to be a vegetable for a long time.I mean he comes from a very lovely family with no mental health issues whatsoever, whereas my dad's schizophrenic and my mum is long lost in the benzo haze,and I myself have been in and out of psych wards in the past and seen family and friends succumb to mental illnesses.So I'm just not sure I'm not scaring the *beep* out of Marc,him being used to complete 'normalcy'?..

 

Prettydaisys: I so hear you about thinking of trying hallucinogens. I thought of doing magic mushrooms myself but I doubt it would help much. The thing about ayahuasca, it seems that with the right kind of a shaman you can really cleanse your brain. I was fascinated about it when I spoke to an Argentinean guy who had a big benzo problem-he was hooked on Kpin for years and also taking lots of different antidepressants; it got so bad that it was actually his doc in Buenos Aires who recommended ayahuasca. So the guy went to the Peruvian Amazon,found hinself a shaman,and voila-benzos or any other drugs no more.He's been clean for 2 years when I talked to him. He said he got to a little jungle retreat and he spoke to the shaman about what exactly he hoped to achieve, and had to fast for 4 days,and then when the ayahuasca ceremony began it was horrible at first-the shaman 'took him' on a journey deep down and he said he was 'throwing up ugliest spiders and snakes and worms' for what felt like a whole day-I mean he physically felt he ws throwing up and saw what it was-he was battling pumas and mountain lions with his bare hands the next; on the third day there was nothing more to be violently sick about or fight and he just 'sort of floated to the surface', and then on the last day he saw clear blue skies and watched ripples on the water and walked among strong ancient trees and so on,and then when he finally woke up he was healed.Never touched benzos or any other drugs since, found his future wife, resumed working as a chef and now lives happily in Patagonia.I've heard quite a few stories like that.

 

While I understand that ayahuasca is simply a strong psychedelic/hallucinogen, I'm guessing there is something to the shaman- and how he prepares you-you fast,you're only allowed to drink certain juices that the shaman makes there and then,and then when you actually drink ayahuasca the shaman is always there to 'take you on the journey'. Add being in the heart of the Amazon, drums and prayers and dancing...I guess all that has an effect. Plus as ayahuasca and san pedro are perfectly legal over there,there's no telling how strong it really is as the shaman always prepares the drink himself so it can be as potent as he prefers.

 

Anywho,just trying to understand why so many alcohol and drug addicts claim to be healed after participating in an ayahuasca ceremony?..

 

I actually found a shaman who I thought was awesome when I was in Peru...and then I bailed the last minute.Idiot!!!

 

I'm seriously considering going to the Amazon again if my withdrawal symptoms get unbearable. Then again,it's a sneaky game-you think you can't take any more,and then you get more and you still push on...because the alternative is a lifelong sentence.

 

We humans are curious creatures,eh??

 

Taunting beings/hallucinations:I so hear you. Reality is totally distorted these days; I remember it took me about 40 minutes to go to the bathroom because when I was about to open the door I noticed the doorknob looked funny so I froze and was staring at it for what I thought was 5 minutes. And beings-it's weird because they are usually myself,only in grotesque shapes and forms and bared teeth. I keep hoping they are dreams but I know they aren't because I don't think I sleep much.

 

Sorry for such a long post.It just feels SO good to talk to people who actually understand!!

[[NY...]]

My friend's mother is a shaman, who lives deep in the jungles of Ecuador.  I stayed with her a few years ago, and we connected really well.  I called my friend who lives in a small town about 40 miles from his mom a couple of months ago to ask about ahuasca, and she told him to explain to me that she cannot perform ceremony during taper bc ahuasca doesn't respond well to tranquilizers.  Likewise with heroin or alcohol.  During ceremony, the person must be sober, or in a state of withdrawal.  She said I should come see her immediately after I am done tapering, which I may, but that does mean jumping, then hopping on an airplane to Ecuador, then bus to a tiny village, then pick up truck into the juggle during acute.  Ha, that does not sound too bad actually! 

 

I think more research has been done on the role mushrooms have played in mental illness and also ibogaine for heroin addiction if you want to read articles, books.  There's a book called 'the ibogaine project' that is woth getting, maybe you can download now. My understanding of ahuasca comes more from anecdotes and willingness to believe in deep history, healing traditions.  For some reason this is something I haven't researched to death,  but just feel it would be a very wise thing to do.

[[El...]]

Hi Waverider,

 

wow sounds like you've got a great opportunity!And Ecuador is such a beautiful country 

 

It's amazing you have someone whom you can trust to perform the ayahuasca ceremony. I bailed on my Peruvian shaman mostly because although he sounded great,he was still a complete stranger. And I didn't feel like trusting a complete stranger in such a vulnerable state.

 

I'm totally with you about 'believing in deep history and healing traditions'. I must admit I'm not a very spiritual person and I'm quite sceptical about natural remedies; on the other hand,if you somehow make yourself believe,or allow yourself to be truly convinced that ayahuasca will help,it probably will?I mean the human brain is a pretty awesome thing; if we can trick ourselves into believing a placebo and actually physically being healed,I suppose chances are that if you really believe ayahuasca can help it may very well actually help.

 

I guess that's one of the reasons I don't really want to do any actual research on the subject. If I do opt for ayahuasca I somehow need to believe in its 'magic'...

 

Seriously considering booking a trip to Iquitos if I don't get any better within a month. Can't really imagine myself doing the whole plain-bus-boat-trek thing in my current state,but perhaps I can somehow psych myself into trying.