why cant she just pull herself together and go to work

[[Be...]]

If i read success stories etc. It seems like those having a real bad wd take a very very long time is this a pattern? Like woofs, river, east, lostdog? I am so scared i cant endure this terror anymore i just think of the time ahead of me......

 

My dad had a bad accident yestrrday it just stop for us. I feel no reason to carry n for this shit cruel life.

[[lo...]]

Hello Benzomama & German Girl

 

I am so sorry to hear that your dad had an accident. How is he? What happened?

 

Life can be very cruel. Just when we think we can't take any more, something else happens. One thing I have learned from this is that I have much greater strength than I ever imagined. I used to admire people who took on great challenges like climbing Mount Everest or going to the North Pole. I now know that you can face your biggest tests at home. You are strong too, GG. We all are.

 

I don't know if there is any pattern to benzo withdrawal. There is such a variety of experiences. Even for those in prolonged withdrawal, many find that it gets easier as time goes on. Just carry on a day at a time.  It is the only way. Trying to see ahead, well it is like trying to find the meaning of life. Often we only know the answer at the end of the journey.

 

I hope your dad is ok.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

 

 

[[Be...]]

He fell off his bike and fractured his scull and has bleeding in the brain. He is ok for now.....it is a cruel life.

 

I am just wondering i am to week, scared and depressed to excerise but that does make the "good stuff" in the brain. Can one still heal without the excersice???

[[Wo...]]

If i read success stories etc. It seems like those having a real bad wd take a very very long time is this a pattern? Like woofs, river, east, lostdog? I am so scared i cant endure this terror anymore i just think of the time ahead of me......

 

My dad had a bad accident yestrrday it just stop for us. I feel no reason to carry n for this shit cruel life.

 

GG I hope your Dad is ok and your ok

 

East, River and Lost Dog have made it to the other side so they know the promised land exists, I'm just taking a bit longer for some unknown reason but that in no way means you will take just as long, I've seen many heal long before me both short and long term so there is no rhyme nor reason to our suffering timeline, people that take as long as me are a very small minority, I was obviously made different so my brain has more repair work to do..

 

Wishing you a better day GG

 

We are all in this together so together we must all make it

 

Keep fighting GG, life is worth it

[[Be...]]

he is ok for now...as always time will tell....

 

woofs can you eplain why you cried all day? i dont even know why? i just feel awful all of the time. terrible....

god i wish this would stop soon. i am at that stage that i cant even embrace a little progress i need it all to be gone. i cant even settle for a 10% progress.

is it even possible to heal by 12/15 months if you are still REALLY bad at beginning of 9 months? do i even still have hope for that?

god woofs you are such a trooper! i dont know what to do all day i just want the day to be over fast!! so time passes

 

my benzolies the worst are:

 

i will be like this forever

there is something severly wrong it is not the benzos

was i like this before benzos anyway

i wont heal more than this

i am different to everyone else and worse

i only have mentals that really really scares me that i am damaged

if i heal i will take 5 years

i am scared i am no moments of myself everyone else has 100% windows

there is something wrong because i feel awful every second

[[Wo...]]

he is ok for now...as always time will tell....

 

woofs can you eplain why you cried all day? i dont even know why? i just feel awful all of the time. terrible....

god i wish this would stop soon. i am at that stage that i cant even embrace a little progress i need it all to be gone. i cant even settle for a 10% progress.

 

god woofs you are such a trooper! i dont know what to do all day i just want the day to be over fast!! so time passes

 

my benzolies the worst are:

 

i will be like this forever

there is something severly wrong it is not the benzos

was i like this before benzos anyway

i wont heal more than this

i am different to everyone else and worse

i only have mentals that really really scares me that i am damaged

if i heal i will take 5 years

 

To be honest GG

 

I don't know why I cried all day every day for 4 months as I never in my life before this ever cried, sad maybe at a funeral but never cried, so to get through it I just saw my crying as a cleansing release..

 

I had a very good life, childhood with no traumas so why I cried for months on end I will never know so I guess it must all be part of the healing process..

 

I had the same list as you and more but I don't look at it anymore as its negative

 

Throw away the list and try to believe the ones that healed that you will too

[[Be...]]

Is there a pattern to what benzo you took? Seems ativan has the worst wd??

[[Mo...]]

Morning GG, i just heard what has happened to your dad yesterday.

Must have been a bad accident but i am sure he will be well looked after

at the Hospital. Hopefully this tragedy won't have too much stress on your

recovery, wish you both well.

 

[[Be...]]

He is doing ok. We are not stressed anymore he is in good hands.

I have to consider taking somthing though and i dont know what could help me becauae i am not in the position to take this anymore. A dr wont know because he doesnt knkw whats gping on. I wonder if a ad would help. I really cant take it. Its switching from horror to fear to suicidal depression times 10000 with no break.

 

Woofs did you feel awful every second of the day and wanted to die?

[[Be...]]

This stuff is ruining my life. The depression is crushing me today. I need to take something i cant handle it anymore i just cant......i never needed a med in my life and now i have to take a med for a med. I am so devastated.

[[ea...]]

You do not "have" to take a med. You are choosing to take a med. There is a big difference. If you could keep distracting yourself, you could work through this.

east

[[Be...]]

I am east all day long. Talkng writting to people, paying games, watching movies i can not handle it at this state anymore.  I have to because i can not take ot anymore.

[Guest [Or...]]

I am east all day long. Talkng writting to people, paying games, watching movies i can not handle it at this state anymore.  I have to because i can not take ot anymore.

 

Since you have mentioned suicide before, and the crippling depression seems to be your worst enemy right now, taking an SSRI may actually be beneficial. The depression in benzo withdrawal can be helped with an SSRI. If you are worried about taking it, let your doctor start you on the lowest dose and work your way up until you feel better.

[[ea...]]

GG, you aren't giving yourself enough credit. You HAVE been taking it, in fact, doing pretty well. You have been a tough lady, tougher than you think. And you are distracting yourself, which is great.

Look, it is your decision, whether you "take something" or not. I hope you don't, but its your call. There is nothing that is forcing you to do that, except your fear and anxiety.

east

[[Be...]]

I am terribly scared of taking something and there is no certainity it will help. Bit i did a cold turkey and i am beginning 9 month and its a long road ahead. I am totally at the end of my strenght. I cry while distracting the hours are so painfully long. I dont sleep. I am at the verge of keeping on.

Sideeffects of ad are also being suicidal. I need a break but am not getting one. Every single minute is painful. I want my life back. I was on this shit for bloody 10 weeks. I was a innocent baking housewife waiting to get pregnant. I didnt even know what a benzo was. I can not take this anymore. I dont know if my mental painlevel is even normal anymore excrushiating isnt enough of a word. Bobs daughter is 15 months out. There is absolutely no way i can do at this rate. I am so bad there is something not right. It cant be this bad. I need this pain tp go away i cant handle it anymore. No hospital can take my pain away. My mother just tells me to be quiet. She is fed up....oh really??? I am too. What the hell do i do?? What do i do?? Help!!!

[Guest [Ti...]]

I am terribly scared of taking something and there is no certainity it will help. Bit i did a cold turkey and i am beginning 9 month and its a long road ahead. I am totally at the end of my strenght. I cry while distracting the hours are so painfully long. I dont sleep. I am at the verge of keeping on.

Sideeffects of ad are also being suicidal. I need a break but am not getting one. Every single minute is painful. I want my life back. I was on this shit for bloody 10 weeks. I was a innocent baking housewife waiting to get pregnant. I didnt even know what a benzo was. I can not take this anymore. I dont know if my mental painlevel is even normal anymore excrushiating isnt enough of a word. Bobs daughter is 15 months out. There is absolutely no way i can do at this rate. I am so bad there is something not right. It cant be this bad. I need this pain tp go away i cant handle it anymore. No hospital can take my pain away. My mother just tells me to be quiet. She is fed up....oh really??? I am too. What the hell do i do?? What do i do?? Help!!!

 

I know how you feel and this is me on the drug I feel exactly the same, I am getting tortured by taking it.

[[Ch...]]

I am terribly scared of taking something and there is no certainity it will help. Bit i did a cold turkey and i am beginning 9 month and its a long road ahead. I am totally at the end of my strenght. I cry while distracting the hours are so painfully long. I dont sleep. I am at the verge of keeping on.

Sideeffects of ad are also being suicidal. I need a break but am not getting one. Every single minute is painful. I want my life back. I was on this shit for bloody 10 weeks. I was a innocent baking housewife waiting to get pregnant. I didnt even know what a benzo was. I can not take this anymore. I dont know if my mental painlevel is even normal anymore excrushiating isnt enough of a word. Bobs daughter is 15 months out. There is absolutely no way i can do at this rate. I am so bad there is something not right. It cant be this bad. I need this pain tp go away i cant handle it anymore. No hospital can take my pain away. My mother just tells me to be quiet. She is fed up....oh really??? I am too. What the hell do i do?? What do i do?? Help!!!

 

I know how you feel and this is me on the drug I feel exactly the same, I am getting tortured by taking it.

 

I'm there with you, girls, but you WILL get better. You're in the thick of it now. I wish you didn't have to go through this and I wish I could take it all away for you. It will get better in time. It really will. I'm improving in small ways. Healing will happen. I really hope a window opens for you soon. Take care.

[[ea...]]

What you do is to keep on going, no matter what. Why? Because you may turn a corner at any time. You just don't know - none of us knew - you might wake up tomorrow and feel better.

Are you sleeping at all? I hope so. Lack of sleep makes everything feel and look worse than it is. But, if you aren't, take heart. This, too, will get better in time.

east

[[Be...]]

No. Not really sleeping at all. God this is so unfair all of it is. All this for bloody 10 weeks on the drug????

East if this carries on in this severety for months i can not do it really i cant.

[[ea...]]

Not sleeping well is terrible, and I sure know about that. No one knows why a few people react like this, and especially for not being on it long. But - it seems to be happening to you.

GG, even I didn't feel this bad for so long that I couldn't take it. Yes, I was very bad off for a long time, but all along I was healing. There WAS progress - but like you, I didn't see it, didn't feel it. I almost gave up many times. Like you, I was paranoid of doctors and hospitals, so that kept me from reinstating. But - if I had seriously thought about suicide, I would have gotten help.

There are so many people who are struggling as badly as you. When you consider that most people going through this don't find BB, its a LOT of people. Many of them feel as badly as you do. Its wonderful that you did find this site, and are using it. You have a lifeline many people do not have.

Just keep going, GG. Keep posting. Keep fighting. You are worth fighting for.

east

[[Be...]]

You mean you were better earlier? I didnt get the part with even wasnt this bad for so long. The docotrs or therapy cant take my feeling away. It is nothing to be talked out of. I am getting worse not better. I cpuld sleep in month 4-5 my evenings were better.

[[ea...]]

No, I didn't begin to feel better until one year. Read my Success Story, if you want, but don't assume things will be the same for you. My story is enough to scare the pants off a pirate, frankly.

I disagree. I think talking does help. It wont make your symptoms disappear, no. But it might make them a little easier to bear.

east

[[Be...]]

I read your story. Just didnt see the part with one year. I talked to 23 psychatrists. It didnt help me it made me worse becauae they are trying to pinn something to me like some apparent trauma i forgot or shit like that. I am so afraid of not turing a corner soon. There is absolute no way i can bare this for much longer. No way in hell. And talking to them doeant ease the suicide feeling. I may the rare case that doesnt heal and serioulsy nobody believes me its the meds nobody. Didnt you have sadness and suicidal ideation? I am so scared to take meds it will lenghten everything. But i seriously can not take it anymore.

[[ea...]]

Yes, I had a lot of sadness, and for about two months I thought about suicide. I came very close a couple of times, but basically I was too chicken to try something. I don't like pain, and had thrown out all my old pills.

 

When I said talking helps, I meant being in regular talk therapy. Not talking to some strange doctor you meet with once or twice.

 

Why would you be the one person out of the thousands who have through here who isnt healing? What makes you so different, special, that you alone wont heal?

And, if you are somehow different, then why is this feeling that "I wont heal" is so common around here? Because it is very common.

east

 

[Guest [Or...]]

I read your story. Just didnt see the part with one year. I talked to 23 psychatrists. It didnt help me it made me worse becauae they are trying to pinn something to me like some apparent trauma i forgot or shit like that. I am so afraid of not turing a corner soon. There is absolute no way i can bare this for much longer. No way in hell. And talking to them doeant ease the suicide feeling. I may the rare case that doesnt heal and serioulsy nobody believes me its the meds nobody. Didnt you have sadness and suicidal ideation?

 

Ive mentioned this before, GG, but you have lost a LOT in the past 9 months. It makes sense you would be depressed out of your mind. Heck, if I lost my partner I would be right there with you. But, I want to live. I want to experience everything life has to offer me on the other side. And I think you have been healing, but its just hard to notice it at first. When your Mom used to post asking for help, she used to tell us that you stayed in bed all day crying. Now you are out and about trying to distract yourself. If anything, that is healing!! Its just not healing in the sense that you want it to be. In fact, the majority of people here are annoyed with every single symptom they have and only until they are all 100% gone do they feel healed in any regard.

 

Once the mental symptoms go away, I definitely plan to state that I am healed. I dont care about the skin crawling feelings, or the muscle twitches, or the heart palps. All I care about is getting your mind back and I have a feeling that you feel that way, too! For the vast majority of people on here, they seem to get their mind back before the physical symptoms go away.  And you dont even really have any physical symptoms! So, thats a HUGE plus!

 

If it makes you feel better, I have noticed three types of healing here reading through success stories and personal accounts:

 

1) Non-Linear: Waves and windows. Most common.

 

2) Slow, graduational process. Badsocref (From what I have read, anyway) and East have had this.

 

3) Miracle: Wake up and one day the symptoms that are most troublesome are gone.

 

You are most likely going to be 2 or 3. There are even mixes of both. But, how you are feeling now is not going to be the way that you feel the entire time that you are off benzos. Some people have a rapid heart-rate, difficulty breathing, and full blown benzo flu for like SIX MONTHS straight! Can you even imagine that? I sure cant. But, they persevered! And you will too Just give yourself some hope. Wait until the one year mark and re-evaluate. Or, you could take an SSRI. Im not saying that it is, as I am sure that this is just withdrawal, but its entirely possible that the depression you have is not benzo-related. Which is where an SSRI would help! Getting off an SSRI is annoying, but not as bad as benzo withdrawal. The horror stories are very, VERY few in comparison to benzo withdrawal. And, the reason for that is because they were told to reduce the dose incredibly fast or just cold turkey it. Having to rely on medication to get through withdrawal is not necessarily a bad thing. It wont mess your brain up anymore than you think it is. SSRIs work on entirely different receptors and dont touch the ones responsible for withdrawal. The fact is, suicide is a serious business. I know your mother and father care for you and want you to get better. That is why your Mom posted here for many days, to try to understand your situation. They wouldnt want that for you. Heck, nobody here wants that for you.

 

You WILL start getting some type of relief soon. Better relief. So, hang in there GG!