6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I cannot even spell "protracted" so I don't go there ...

 

Still do not have a date for the biopsy ... I do not mind a "lack of urgency" ...

 

Yep ... here we are ... good days ... yukky days ... we just keep hangin' out and hangin' on ... this all goes away eventually ...

 

Last year this time, just after jumping, I was feeling pretty good ... thought "hmmm ... maybe" ... well there wasn't any "maybe" ...

 

I do remember a time when any "chores" were impossible ... hell, a shower wasn't possible ... turning on a tap was "complicated" ... the stove was a foreign country ...

 

Well, we are back from that place ... now things are just "messy" from time to time, no longer impossible ... and my brain works fairly well on occasion ...

 

Keep truckin' folks ... we are getting there ...

 

 

Nova, thanks for reminding me.  the shower, turning on the tap, yes, almost impossible.  Even though today and yesterday were really hard, I was able to get some groceries and cook a meal today, a really bad day.  So that's a major accomplishment.  This time last year was so bad I try not to think about it.  Lemon garlic chicken.  I followed a recipe.  Big stuff, lol.  We are getting better.  Northofhere says she couldn't see it until it was finished.  On good days I see it.

Thank you.

[[mr...]]

Congrats Coop,

 

You give me hope as I am in month seven and really getting little to no relief.

 

How does everyone make it through this most brutal and misunderstood agony.

 

Thanks and when did you all start to see glimmers of hope.

 

Satch

 

I think its by surviving one day at a time, with lots of distraction and tons of 'fight'!! Then it slowly turns into living one day at at time, with some distraction & fight. And then, as a miracle, it turns into THRIVING with no need for distraction, and a practiced fighting spirit that is imbedded so deeply that NOTHIBG can bother you anymore.

 

Ahh.

 

It is coming! Soon

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Good morning buddies...I have been off the thread for a little bit and haven't caught up with the posts ...Yesterday was my 12 month mile marker...cant believe I made it. There were so many times that I didn't think I could possibly go one more hour let alone another month. There were a few times that I wanted to rescue dose or even reinstate. Except for a ' medical 3 day reinstatement and one rescue dose in month 4 I have not. ..Months 4-11 have all pretty much seemed like acute at one level of intensity or another......there have been some windows and sunbreaks along the way and a couple of " effortless mind days "...I truly would not have made it without the unfailing support of all of you on this thread. In many ways months 6-12 were my most difficult months.

.......The GOOD news.....The past week has been the best fading of s/x since the first few weeks of w/d. I really didn't have s/x in the first 6 or so weeks of w/d...month 4 was my real ticket to hell. .....In the last week I have experienced long periods of time without any s/x and hours of " the effortless mind "

....The morning can still be a little rocky with mild to moderate anxiety/ depression...that lifts whithin a few hours of getting up. Typically things continue lifting throughout the day. I feel like I am inhabiting my own mind and body again and feel connected to my experience.  I am not merely surviving and enduring,  I am beginning to enjoy being alive again...although that can fade in and out without warning ...but it almost always resolves hour to hour. D/ r d/p are infrequent and more likely to set in with stress. Health fears still challenge me but I think some of that is the left over trauma of a couple of scary trips to er with panic elevated b/p and palpitations. I handle fear and panic better now. MY HEAD PRESSURE IS BETTER. ...head pressure has been my worst s/x from month 6 on. I am taking 200 mg of magnesium once in the morning and once in the evening as well as 6 mg of atenolol for headaches as needed. I don't know if these have helped my head pressure or if they just coincide with healing that would have happened anyway. ...I am ok with taking both. ...

....Yesterday I had a whole day out with my daughter. Starting with upgrading my 5 year old ' smart' phone. ..Buying that phone was as stressful as buying my first house!  During that time I had some momentary head pressure,  boatiness and moderarate anxiety with d/r...it passed as soon as I got out of there and got a break from the perky,  smiley,  talk a mile a minute 20 something sales girl ...she was very nice but tsljec too fast,  moved too fast,  took my credit card too fast..lol...completely overwhelmed my "38 synapses" ..I then went to lunch with my daughter in one of those sports bars..tvs on every wall...all playing a different game.  Wow!...but I was fine..I even had 4 oz of red wine with my lunch...without any side effects...in short...for the first time from month 4-12 I had a normal day...bust like before benzos...

....hope it holds. I know more hard days are to come but my confidence and hope are very very loud today...and my Steven Tyler screaming s/x are less than a whisper...

....wanting exactly the same ....and better for evert one of you. I started this thread as a total ' non - believer ".  Today...I am convinced that EVERYONE heals..." and no one is getting left behind "...as my friend Green tells us...and she is right..

.....love to every one of you.....coop

 

Coop, I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOUR GOOD NEWS.  And I really needed to hear something positive today.  It sounds like you've turned a major corner.  Yay on your smart phone, yay on the sports bar, 4 oz wine, yay for you!

 

The smart phone.  Mine is sitting in a box next to the couch.  I did it online but still have to go into the store to transfer my data.  I'm not ready to deal with it.  Soon.

 

Now the anniversary.  You're Dec 3?  And Nov 3 is your twelfth month?  I'm still trying to get this right. Either way, happy anniversary, and I'm so happy to hear you're enjoying the effortless mind life!

[[Co...]]

Whoot...you have been strong and determined. I remember when you first came on and your sweetie came on and posted his fear and concern for you. Look at you now!  You are on your way friend. You are going to have a much better summer this year than last....Thank you for all that you bring to the thread and for going the distance with us ...you are a help and support to all of us....wishing you big sunny windows....coop

[[Co...]]

Satch,  I honestly believe that we do all heal. I had many days in which I didn't believe that. The support I found on this site is what got me through. The buddies here have seen me at my worst. My friends here are the only people who can even begin to understand what this is. I made a very concrete decision to temporarily bow out of all relationships that did not provide unconditional care and support. This was hard as some relationships that I put on hold were family members. I had a cut throat mission of self preservation and complicated or toxic relationships were just beyond anything I could manage. Fortunately for me nearly all my relationships are supportive. I am by nature introverted and have a small but tight long standing circle of friends. ...

....You are in the thick of it...what you need and what you are and are not capable of will change daily...if not hourly. Try to live in the minutes...Distraction was my best tool. Sometimes I could only distract for a few minutes at a time. Half hour sitcoms were my go to ...I have seen every episode of Frazier,  Golden Girls,  The Waltons, The Big Bang Theory...MSNBC. etc etc. I cried daily over my lost intelligence. I was a 30 year Montessori preschool teacher and administrator with a Masters in Early Childhood Education....watching Frasier by the hour...for months. I do now ( just now) feel my thought and intelligence returning...without any real pushing on my part...its just sort of ' waking up ' after all these long months of shaky memory and daily cog fog. ....Good self care...an uber healthy nutrition and accepting where you are on any given day with the understanding that healing is not linear will help you endure the process. Hot lavender epsome salts bath soaks helped my body pain and my anxiety...but for awhile I was afraid of the bath ...no rhyme or reason. Many buddies complain of this odd fear of the shower /bath. ...

....This will get better Satch...on day ...sometimes one hour at a time. You have tons of support and understanding here. ..Just get through the best way you can with whatever helps. The only goal is to not reinstate...it is what it is...until it isn't. ....We are with you every step of the way....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, ...you are going yo turn around ....any moment. Your progress is always so similar to mine. I am feeling so much better ( although I know it could change in a heartbeat). You are going to feel better too. Ten days ago I had one of my worst anxiety attacks..a week ago I had benzo flu and head pressure that made me think about begging for a head ct. ...I now have had my first 48 straight hours ( including evenings and sleep) 90-95% window. ...I am so sorry that you have a cold on top of head pressure. I know how desolate it feels to have waves follow good days and windows or sunbreaks...your improved baseline is going to be there still when your wave lifts. I am thinking of you Green and sending you wishes for rest and peace and a much better day tomorrow....You are so close Green....coop

[[Co...]]

Buelah...thank you for the encouragement. Yep, I know my window of the last 2 days will inevitably close...but hearing from you that you still had waves/windows at least through month 14 is so helpful. I am so glad that you are so much better...you so deserve it. ...Wishing you windows every day.....right through to 100% ....coop

[[pe...]]

I'm on the verge with light symptoms, my three week late period and a virus so I don't have too much to muster after a full day at work and parenting two young boys this evening, but here goes. I will be relying on emoticons to communicate with you.

 

Coop-    

 

Green- Yum on the food and another one of these - 

 

Sky, Drew, Loving Mother, GMIT - my eyes do this all day long 

 

To everyone else -  and goodnight!

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova.....I am so sorry that the Merry go Round is on the shaded side for you today. You are an absolute study in acceptance and living the moments. ...I too am so very glad to not have the added stress and weight of work. I loved my work and miss it evert day but I could not have done it over the past 18 months. Those on the thread who are working are strong beyond belief. ..Nova...I hope your day tomorrow opens up in a big bright window and calls you out for more retirement adventures.  Sleep better tonight friend.  coop

[[Co...]]

Drew,  I have had exactly the eye s/x you describe all the way through. For me it is worse when d/r and cog fog join the chorus. Also it is worse if I am on my screens very long. ...I hope you get some relief from it ...your window will open up again. You are sounding really good overall Drew.. Wishing you good sleep and sunbreaks tomorrow...coop

[[Co...]]

Thank you buddies for the congratulations. I am so very grateful for each one of you. I truly would have given up in month 6 without your support. .  I am looking forward to the next year with hope and new confidence that I will get my life back....and so will my friends.....Our worst days are behind us .. our best days are right in front of us..  coop

[[Gr...]]

I'm on the verge with light symptoms, my three week late period and a virus so I don't have too much to muster after a full day at work and parenting two young boys this evening, but here goes. I will be relying on emoticons to communicate with you.

 

Coop-    

 

Green- Yum on the food and another one of these - 

 

Sky, Drew, Loving Mother, GMIT - my eyes do this all day long 

 

To everyone else -  and goodnight!

 

You really are the best! 

[[Gr...]]

Thank you buddies for the congratulations. I am so very grateful for each one of you. I truly would have given up in month 6 without your support. .  I am looking forward to the next year with hope and new confidence that I will get my life back....and so will my friends.....Our worst days are behind us .. our best days are right in front of us..  coop

 

Coop, hearing you strong and happy and yourself is like getting a present, feels really good.  Enjoy.  and don't assume it will close.  because one day it won't.

[[je...]]

Coop, congratulations on the one year mark! Iam so happy for you, look how far you have come. Thank you so much for starting this thread, the support from you and others has gotten me through some of my roughest days. Your friend, Jenny

[[Gr...]]

I did it, I started a 12-18.  it's called http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=120249.msg1579638#msg1579638

 

 

[[je...]]

Thanks Green, I appreciate it. 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... probably ...

 

That's me, the turtle sticking his head out ... testing the breeze this morning ... hmmm ... made it to the first Wednesday in November this year ... okay, let's see what's "on tap" today ... yesterday was kind of "fun" all day ... even did some hyperventilating on the bus for a few minutes ... haven't done that in a while ... mostly yesterday felt like all the air had got let out of my balloon ... this morning "okay" so far ...

 

Coop ... once again a wonderful "summary" ... this is where we are and this is how we got here ... and this is where we are going ...

 

Drew ... yeh the eye stuff is another nuisance ... still have it from time to time ...

 

Green ... glad to hear you are getting through the last few days ... these "storms" are tough this far out ... and they pass ...

 

Well, Folks, let's see what Wednesday brings ...

 

[[...]]

Good morning Nova!

 

Did you sleep well?

 

Sorry about the bus incident! Hopefully today will be a better day!

 

I am feeling a tad better...once again, slow and steady wins the race! My healing, at this point, is moving ever so slowly! I'll take it, cheerfully, over feeling bad!

 

[[No...]]

Hi GMIT ... slept in two 3 hour bits ... yep ... slow and steady ...

 

We are getting there ...

 

Still looking for that "pump" to get some air in my sails ... tired and flat ... and that is certainly better than over the moon ...

 

Hope you got a good rest ... have a good day ...

[[...]]

I slept well! In a pattern of falling asleep early (and with no problem) and waking between 3-4! Then feeling exhausted by 8-9 am!

 

It's cloudy and rainy here, with cooler temps...I love it!

 

[[dr...]]

good morning all...I didn't read too far back but it seems like everyone is holding steady.  After my window closing yesterday I woke up feeling windowy again today!  I felt rested and actually was humming in the shower.  I am at work and being very productive.  Shooting to do 1/2 a spin class at noon.  Haven't done one in over a year at least.  It is truly like a light switch between feeling good and bad. Hope everyone feels the heal today.

 

Drew 

[[...]]

Yay Drew!

 

Love it!

 

[[Co...]]

You are doing so great Drew...so happy to hear it. Yep...humming in the shower is definitely a very good sign. ...And you are spot on...it is exactly like someone threw a switch between window ...and not window. Hope your window stays wide open today....thanks for the hopeful encouraging post....cooper

[[No...]]

Drew ... good news ... enjoy what the day offers ...

 

It's sourdough biscuits this afternoon ... with some fish and roasted sweet potatoes for dinner ...

 

Have a good day ...

[[Gr...]]

I started a thread, and it's too lonely over there, I'm in the 12-14 month wave, and I need my comfort zone, lol.

 

I keep wondering if the fatigue we get is real adrenal fatigue.  I keep wondering how much of a difference it would make to change to the adrenal diet.  Then I get exhausted and upset, because I can barely handle shopping for and cooking a simple meal at night.  Really, I'm not so far off from ordering take-out.  I have "frozen" issues, issues where I can't do too much in a day, so if I went bike riding, did some other errands, then I've had it, I'm done for the night.  Then I wonder if I should "toughen up" on sleep hygiene, instead of sleeping wherever and whenever I can.  When I pushed myself into bed by 11, I was getting severe vibrations and RLS in the dark.

 

I'm ranting and venting, I'm sorry, I usually don't do this.  I feel really awful in this wave, and I'm wondering if I should be more proactive, "sterner," instead of babying myself, being really gentle.  If I thought it would work, I would, but my deep down belief is it takes time and it doesn't much matter what we do, we will heal when we heal.  The only thing I think that makes a difference is stress -- I think stress is a killer, that it hurts us, it sabotages our healing.

 

So I'm finally off the couch, dizzy, tired, nauseous, very fatigued.  This is the aftereffect of the glutamate surge wave, I'm crashing.  Hope it doesn't last too long, that's always the fear, that it's not going away.

 

Again, sorry, I should be doing this on the new thread, but it was too lonely over there!

Feel good everybody.