6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

God Bless your heart Beulah.  Yours was the post I needed today. My b/p has been spiking lately and my beta block sometimes causes rebound spikes and anxiety. Beta blockers block the cortisol from your system but when the beta blocker wears off the cortisol that was blocked is dumped into your system causing b/p spikes and anxiety. When my head pressure is intense I am convinced I am about to die...if I look at my b/p it is up and I freak out...even though I know it is a panic loop. Some days I am on top of it....some days not....today not. Thumping heart...d/r.. head pressure and elevated b/p. .. yesterday a wide open sunny window in the last half of the day.. so today I took 1/2 of a benedryl which I haven't done since month 6 ( I am now right at month 12). . I flirted with the idea of a rescue dose but I know that I would have to be 100x worse to even consider it. ....So that k you Cir being so open and honest about your health fears...they seem to be the torture of choice by the Benzo Beast...

....I also have my ' emergency bag ' with aspirin ...drammamine and propanolol. It makes me so mad that I am in such a state from benzo use that I can not leave home without a big self pep talk, meditation and visualization crossing my fingers ..making the cross ..and clutching my 'emergency ' bag....In my entire 65 years I have never been in this misshapen shape...I just want my life back. .

.......It is so good to hear from you Buelah and I am so happy for you that you are doing so well. You deserve it so much,  you walked a hard journey....thanks for your honest and encouraging post.....coop

[[li...]]

Anyone else get this? RE: Central Nervous System. 

 

So, I have been having a decent window, still have my headaches but if there is no added stress I am feeling pretty good.  However, yesterday I went to an event that I was really looking forward to.  Super excited about.  So no 'stress' or 'nervousness' should be around.  However, since i was excited, my nervous system went haywire.  Felt extreme rushes of dizziness, heat, explosive heart pumping, and it couldn't calm down until the event was over.  It was crazy.  So, really even when there is excitement, the CNS goes into overdrive and makes the situation nearly intolerable.  I have even noticed this watching an exciting sporting event on TV of all things.  Ughh.  At least I am back to 'normal' now.  Anyone else have this?

 

I can definitely relate on many levels. Excitement, positive or negative, is still regarded as "stimuli" for now. We are still healing I received good news of a rather large sale that went through for my husband and I, and my body felt "revved" for a while after. Its getting better and better all the time of course, but it'll take a little more time I think to be back to "normal" under all circumstances

 

It is interesting though, isn't it? Oh well -- we are healing!!!

 

Mrs.

 

 

Hi my wonderful buddies, I miss you all. Just wanted to stop by and say that I have been in a window since last saturday. It is really important to me because I still have the stressers that I had before but am able to have the windows.  I went through the longest wave 8 weeks the past two months caused by these stressers and i thought that I will never be able to feel good unless I get over my situations. I am happy to say that this is not true. I have had a major improvemnet in baseline and today my attorney came up to be and said " what drug are you taking "? I said why? He said in court I was so calm and radiant. I had not realized this. It happened in court -- in front of a judge -- I was calm and at peace ( I think God's presence was there with me). I said that I was not taking any drugs and laughed. I now realise that healing is possible even when we are under stressful situations. I just started going into my fears and little by little the fear over days just started to disappear. So I guess that I learned that in reentry stretching myself helped. If I had health fears I think I would go through a hospital and walk the halls -- just desensitized

 

I cant thank you all enough for being there for me  the last year plus. My trial date got moved until january so now I have to live with all this just a few months more -- BUT I am ok with it. That is to my manner from heaven! To be able to be ok in the light of stressed circumstances shows me that I am healing. I am starting to push myself a bit every day to reenter. I love each and every one of you! God bless.

 

I might not post that much here that much for now but I read the posts allot You all are awesome!

 

Life

[[Co...]]

GREEN..." I do however see myself dead and buried any day now "....lol....that just struck me as so spot on ....funny!....Believe me I know its not funny....its so Norway funny. ....but funny in a Dianne Keaton/ Annie Hall way. ...just what I needed,  a look at the humor in this agony.

....I agree...we can not do anything about actual death ( some 30 years from now). it is all about fear....living with and in spite of fear...really hard work. ...Yep.  it all goes away in a window...

.....I love your posts so much Green...they are so honest...real...encouraging and funny. Wishing you big big wide open windows... coop

[[dr...]]

Great news life!  I just love these posts from you folks ahead of me. 

[[je...]]

Drew, I distinctly remember around 6 months out the feeling of not being able to get my body to move. I remember sitting on my couch and wanting to get up, and I literally could not get my body to move. It freaked me out... Just want you to know that sx is completely gone and I don't get it anymore. Its all w/d, your gonna be fine. Jenny

 

Jenny, do you know why that happens?  Is it anxiety?  Do you know?

 

 

Hi green,

No it wasn't anxiety. It was like brain wasn't working and wasn't sending the message to my body to get up. Very weird. But like I said I don't have it anymore.

[[je...]]

Okay, this is probably a really dumb question but my brain has a hard time understanding the whole gabba receptor thing. Are we waiting for our gabba receptors to heal or are we waiting for new ones to be made? I think I read somewhere on hear where they said new ones are being made, and i never heard this before. Thanks, Jenny

[[Gr...]]

Okay, this is probably a really dumb question but my brain has a hard time understanding the whole gabba receptor thing. Are we waiting for our gabba receptors to heal or are we waiting for new ones to be made? I think I read somewhere on hear where they said new ones are being made, and i never heard this before. Thanks, Jenny

 

I just deleted my whole stupid post.

 

This is hard for me to understand also.  But I think benzos are not the substance that calms us.  Benzos cause channels in the brain to release more GABA, which is what calms us.  So we're getting relaxed on greater amounts of our own neurotransmitter, GABA.  (something to do with chloride, too much, too little, opening channels)

 

Then the brain gets nervous because there's so much GABA floating around that the body can't maintain BP, heart rate, hormone production, everything we need to be alive.  So the brain starts to release more glutamate (excitatory).  And it down regulates the receptors, which means takes some of them offline, I think.

 

But then I've heard that the unused receptors get absorbed into the body, or are just useless to us, which has something to do with gene expression, which I don't like to think about.  Is that the structural change they talk about?

 

I think for people like us, who are a year out, we're waiting for new receptors to grow.  It's something to do with sustained low levels of chloride, and the brain getting the idea that it has to go the other way, attain homeostasis after very elevated levels of glutamate and too low levels of GABA.  And that's what we're waiting for.  I think.  Jump right in, anybody.

[[Gr...]]

GREEN..." I do however see myself dead and buried any day now "....lol....that just struck me as so spot on ....funny!....Believe me I know its not funny....its so Norway funny. ....but funny in a Dianne Keaton/ Annie Hall way. ...just what I needed,  a look at the humor in this agony.

....I agree...we can not do anything about actual death ( some 30 years from now). it is all about fear....living with and in spite of fear...really hard work. ...Yep.  it all goes away in a window...

.....I love your posts so much Green...they are so honest...real...encouraging and funny. Wishing you big big wide open windows... coop

 

Coop, we can't make this stuff up.  I joke about it, but it's a very persistent delusion.  I stare at cemeteries when I pass them in the car.  IT'S SICK! 

 

I'm so glad the day at school went so well. 

 

Last couple of days, I guess, I've got a hell of a cog fog going on.  Before that really severe fatigue.  Before that something, I can't remember.  Nausea, really bad nausea.  Really crazy cycling.  And everything is heavy, symptoms are not light. 

 

How has the head pressure been for you?  I get it, but nothing like what you have.  Hope you've got some wide open windows coming soon.

[[mr...]]

Jenny, Green, well done!

 

I've explained it to my friends and family as such...

 

There are two sides to our central nervous system ~ the "revver upper" side (autonomic CNS), and the "calmer downer" side (parasympathetic CNS). We all have neurotransmitters that correspond to each of the sides; that is, ones that help to rev us up (glutamate), and others that help to calm us down (GABA). And those neurotransmitters also have "home bases" to "land" upon, which makes them useful to us. Benzodiazepines make the GABA home bases turn into "superhumans" so to speak, causing the GABA we have to become "overused" in the brain ~ and therefore causing an imbalance (too calm, not enough 'rev'). And since the body can't change the amount or presence of the benzodiazepine, it does change what it can to bring the brain back into balance! This can be achieved by a couple of routes -- the brain can "grow" more "home bases" for the glutamate to land upon and be useful to us. Or the brain can "recede" some if the superhuman home bases of the GABA, making the GABA less useful to us. Or it does a little of both! ~ whatever it takes to bring the brain back to balance! Only there is one teensy problem -- this is not a natural process. So the brain does the best it can, for as long as it can, but eventually things don't quite add up (enter tolerance withdrawals). And, since glutamate and GABA also sorta cause a "domino" effect (in a good way) in the production of other chemicals in the brain (such as serotonin, dopamine, melatonin, etc), these other areas become affected as well -- like our moods, our sleep patterns, etc. And the best (haha, "best") part? GABA receptors (GABA home bases) make up about 40% of the "home bases" in the entire body -- in the brain, in the gut, in the muscles, in the nerves, etc (enter all the weirdo multitudes of withdrawal symptoms that can be experienced).

 

So what happens when we remove the benzo? The GABA home bases instantly lose their super powers! But remember! The body has made a bunch of changes to accommodate the superhuman GABA home bases: growing more home bases for glutamate, and receding many home bases for GABA! So now, without the benzodiazepine, the body is stuck with...average home bases for GABA, and fewer of them! And healthy home bases for glutamate, and many more of them! The length of "benzo withdrawal" depends on his long it takes the body to...recede the extra home bases grown for glutamate, and "reentering" the receded home bases for GABA. This process takes time, and that time length varies from person to person I liken it to this:

 

Let's say that your main job was to go outside and climb the flagpole everyday in order to hang the flag. You've done it everyday of your life, so doing it is like second nature. One day, you hear that there is a magic chair that you can sit in and push a button, and it will automatically whoosh you to the top of the flagpole to hang that flag. So one day, you decide to give it a try! You sit in that chair and you push the button...and, whoosh! Up to the top you go! "Wow," you think to yourself, "How simple was that? And I hung the flag in almost half the time and effort! This chair is AMAZING!" At first, you don't use it everyday. After all, you've always hung the flag the same way, and besides, you don't want to become 'dependant' on the chair...so "you'll only use it on days where you really feel you 'need' it," you reason with yourself. But once in a while turns into a few times per week,..turns into a few times per day...and before you know it, you find yourself using the chair every single time you go up the flagpole. One day, you realize that you can't remember the last time you hadn't used the chair. "This can't be good or healthy, to always be using this chair," you think. So one day, you decide, "Not today! I'm going to do this without the chair, for old time's sake!" You approach the base of the pole, grasp the metal into your hands -- wow, you remember exactly how this feels in your hands! Just like old times! -- and you go to pull up on the pole, and -- YEEEOOOWWWWCH!! Both arms instantly lock up on you ~ you're in instant pain! You release the pole in dismay and retreat, spending the rest of the day in arm spasms, with every arm muscle pulled and in pain. "What the heck is going on?," you think in surprise, "why are my arms reacting this way? Why can't I do this? What us going on?" A couple more days of this, and a couple of doctor's visits later and you learn that nothing is wrong; all of your muscles are just in complete 'atrophy'. Since you've used this 'magic chair' for years, you've lost all muscle tone and ability to climb that pole! So in order to climb that pole again, you'll first need to commit to eventually stop using the chair entirely, and to start helping your body reverse the atrophy. And so the process begins, of using the chair less and less, and climbing the pole more and more. Such is the process of benzo withdrawal seen and analogy-ed, in the head of Mrs!!

 

At least, that's how I've come to understand it all Perhaps it has helped you...or perhaps it has confused you even more! If the former, I'm glad it has helped...if the latter, my apologies for the confusion!! I've enjoyed spinning this tale, at the very least I hope it has, at the very least, humored you as well Take care buddies; it is now well past Mrs's bedtime

 

Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Mrs, no offence but I had to skip your informative post !!   My benzo brain could not take it in...

I will know I have healed when I can read posts like that !

 

Drew, I distinctly remember around 6 months out the feeling of not being able to get my body to move. I remember sitting on my couch and wanting to get up, and I literally could not get my body to move. It freaked me out... Just want you to know that sx is completely gone and I don't get it anymore. Its all w/d, your gonna be fine. Jenny

 

Jenny, do you know why that happens?  Is it anxiety?  Do you know?

 

I do remember in my first month, while I was taking a walk, I stared in horror as my legs started to stiffen and I could no longer walk. I do not know if it is connected. Now and then, when things are really rough, my legs tend to stiffen.

 

Health fears, death fears. I have them continuously. I even left instructions for mr Sky on what to do with the forum if something happens to  me. It is the closest I have come to a will.

 

I am so lucky that the only thing that scares me more than my health fears, are doctors, so I just gave up on having every single thing checked up. Well, I don't know if lucky is the right word, but you get my meaning.

 

It is awful. I bet, if I  had a terminal illness I  still would be less morbid, or obsessed !!

 

Yesterday, I had crushing anxiety on top of other symptoms. It projected on mr Sky, my anxieties were on him, so I started pestering him. WE ended up quarreling. In all this, I KNEW I was saying absurd things, and I just looked at myself carrying on and could not stop.

Today, feeels quite bad too and I feel anguished.

 

I hope the day gets better.

 

Life, great story. Great having you around too.

[[...]]

Sky, I'm so sorry to read you are going through this! It's been a difficult time for me for quite a while now! Wishing a window would open again soon!

 

You say you have the death fears...I haven't had those, nor the health fears...I have a confession that I haven't told anyone, but I feel like dying would relieve this! I don't want to die, I would never hurt myself, but it seems to me that this horrid feeling of theses "blues" would end and that sounds like relief!

 

Life, I sure loved reading your post! It sounds so impossible right now, that I will get back to a "good and happy" life!

 

I hope everyone is finding relief and doing better!

 

[[pa...]]

I have a confession that I haven't told anyone, but I feel like dying would relieve this! I don't want to die, I would never hurt myself, but it seems to me that this horrid feeling of theses "blues" would end and that sounds like relief!

 

 

GMIT, me too.  A couple of times when I've been traveling, I've said things to myself like "God, if you need to take this plane down, I'm perfectly okay with it because I'm not sure I can do this anymore."  I'm sure the other people on the plan had different ideas!

[[Sk...]]

I have a confession that I haven't told anyone, but I feel like dying would relieve this! I don't want to die, I would never hurt myself, but it seems to me that this horrid feeling of theses "blues" would end and that sounds like relief!

 

 

GMIT, me too.  A couple of times when I've been traveling, I've said things to myself like "God, if you need to take this plane down, I'm perfectly okay with it because I'm not sure I can do this anymore."  I'm sure the other people on the plan had different ideas!

 

@[Pa...]let's not take the same plane in the near future !!

 

GMIT, Paperboat, don't you think it's funny that I have  all these fears but maybe because of them, I really want to live and with you guys the contrary is true ?

COuld it be for the usual Karmic reasons of wd, that your symptoms work around our pre exisiting fears ? I do not know, just throwing ideas.

 

Anyway, GMIT, it is great you are not having these fears !

 

 

[[...]]

Paper, I'm sorry you have those same feelings, but im relieved to know im not alone! At least someone who isn't looking to end things but understands the feelings of wanting this "emotional pain" to stop, and if something natural occurred, so be it!

 

Sky, it is nice not to have "those" fears, but having the issues that are taunting me seem to be in place of those fears that you have! These blues are almost debilitating...I've never experienced anything like this in my lifetime! Never had health fears, depression, anxiety...sheesh!!

 

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[[Sk...]]

Paper, I'm sorry you have those same feelings, but im relieved to know im not alone! At least someone who isn't looking to end things but understands the feelings of wanting this "emotional pain" to stop, and if something natural occurred, so be it!

 

Sky, it is nice not to have "those" fears, but having the issues that are taunting me seem to be in place of those fears that you have! These blues are almost debilitating...I've never experienced anything like this in my lifetime! Never had health fears, depression, anxiety...sheesh!!

 

I hope you feel better soon!

 

 

That is why I am beginning to talk about Karma of wd. It hits where the person is vulnerable and it the real, true and ultimate customised product !

 

I think that wd hits us where there is work to be done and where we are most vulnerable.

 

GMIT, hope you get better soon. YOu did well to vent. We feel embarassing emotions and symptoms, but finding somebody who feels just like us helps enormously, to not make us feel also a sense of shame added to the whole benzo package !

 

[[pe...]]

GMIT and Paperboat,

I'm I'm your camp. I have persistent thoughts about death but no health fears. They are more of the only way out type thoughts. But it's not true. Time is the other way out and we've all done a lot of time. My thoughts are tied to my constant state of fear and discomfort. There was a success story from a member called Dezlaz or something like that. She wrote about the fear leaving and that post stays with me. The fear will leave. It has to.

 

GMIT- I'm sorry you're having this time of feeling low and blue. I'm thinking of you and hope you get a little sunshine today. Jenny always reminds me to try and exercise when my blues kick in.  Maybe a walk?

 

Halloween here so I'll be spending the evening with a ninja and Batman.  I'm going as a mom who isn't in benzo recovery. I'll let you know if I pull it off. 

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Thanks so much guys! I was scared to post that, but it's true feelings so I took the leap, and look at the support!! I've got tears in my eyes!

 

I do believe that this wd finds our weakest link and tries to break it, but we are stronger...stronger together!

 

I know that some people leave the site because they "can't handle" hearing this process...I think some early on can't handle seeing that those so much further out are still having problems, they don't want to believe that can happen to them. I understand that, but I'm a realist, I think everyone is great support! Even if I'm not posting a a day or two I'm usually reading, I still find it supportive! Just knowing that others are going through the same thing.

 

Thanks to everyone!

 

[[pe...]]

If I had a magic wand I'd wave it over everyone who has ever suffered at the hands of Big Pharma and end your pain. Trusting a doctor and a prescription took the wrong turn for us somehow...like a bad b-rated movie, we find ourselves lost in a maze of confusion. Like a bizarre conspiracy we cannot escape....a personal attack on our body and brain. Really, nobody can understand the desperation unless they lived it. The benzo tornado roars in like an F-5. It's beyond all human comprehension. It's beyond all reason. How unbelievable to think any legal drug could wreak such havoc even after months or years after the last pill.  Why me? Right? Why not me? There is a purpose to suffering. I do know that. Suffering produces perseverance, endurance, and hope.

 

I think back to that time with disbelief. I look at my life now in disbelief. The entire experience was not of this world. But, it ends. As bad as you feel now with the body-wide pain, anxiety, DP/DR, tingling, insomnia, panic, depression, hopelessness, burning, fear, numbness, nausea, bad thoughts, and everything else...you do know none of these things are normal. Nobody can be this sick from nothing. This stuff doesn't just fall from the sky. They come directly from benzo drugs. These symptoms make no sense yet we face them every day, every night, terrified of tomorrow. What a ridiculous way of living...just waiting...and waiting...and waiting. But, our waiting isn't in vain.

 

One day, the waiting is over. And, the old you knocks on your door and says, "I'm back!"

 

Hello stranger! Welcome home!

 

She has other great posts too.

[[...]]

What a wonderful post!

 

Thanks so much peace!

 

[[Sk...]]

Peace, what a great post, thanks for sharing. It is a really  powerful and uplifting post .

 

 

[[pe...]]

Here's another one from the same person.

Everyone believes they won't recover. It is the benzo mantra, IMO. Everyone fears they are ruined for life. I believed I would suffer forever. I didn't believe the Old Timers and thought that I would be the only benzoid to stay insane and crippled. I was wrong. I really didn't taper. I tried stopping that crap for one year. Was fed up. I flew to a detox in Florida for one week and came home Ativan and Lunesta-free. Total nightmare. The next 16 months were even worse than the previous three years. I never thought that was remotely possible, but it got worse. I kept charts of very symptom, and over time the intensity of each symptom was lower. I didn't feel like I was healing but the numbers didn't lie. Then, by 16 months off I started to get out and socialize a bit. By 18 months I was seeing sx leave. By 20 months, most had gone. But, a few hung around for longer.

 

And here's a link to it so you can find her other posts and her avatar picture. It's her and she's so cute! Radiant and healthy.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=108425.0

 

[[Sk...]]

My nose has been bleeding for the last 15 minutes, very abundantly too.  I amputting ice and it flows in my throat and I am not moving, I AM SKARED SORRY FOR THIS, ADVICE ANYBODY ?

[[...]]

Head down, pressure on bridge of nose, keep your ice on it!!

[[Sk...]]

when i put my head down it goes in my throat, it's really a lot, i have never had a noseblleb in my life sorry,

[[dr...]]

Gmit, sky, paper....hoping your day improves. 

 

 

Early am here.  I think I just came to the realization this tummy stuff is benzo related . Almost every morning for the last ten days(started in Denver) my tummy bloats up w gas and a bit of nausea in the early am.  I threw up one day which never happened before.  I was hoping it was a bug cause this symptom s bad.  Terribly gassy all morning and tummy swollen solid. Mild nausea too.  It does get better as the day goes on that's why I think it's benzo related.  I have had this stuff on and off throughout this process albeit to a much lesser degree.  I don't think its worth getting checked out as this would lead to a hundred different tests.  Oh well....