6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

HH ... glad to hear your good news ... hoping everything stays "open" for you ... 

[[wh...]]

Good morning gang

Coop; hope your morning is fun.  Brave girl.....silly benzos make the simplest things are scary and hard.  I've noticed that if I just do it anyway it turns out that I am glad I went.

It's not like normal anxiety....it's hard every time until this is over I think.

:smitten:my thoughts and good energy are with you girl.  Have fun.

Hi to everyone; hope we all have a good day.  Still have a cold/flu and the usual morning fear/dread. Do you all get that morning "ick".  It's the x/s that I hate the most as it really gets my anxiety revved up which makes everything feel 1000 times worse than it is. I try to distract and tell myself it is all just benzo lies; my brain fixing itself......it will pass.

 

 

[[mr...]]

Good morning gang

Coop; hope your morning is fun.  Brave girl.....silly benzos make the simplest things are scary and hard.  I've noticed that if I just do it anyway it turns out that I am glad I went.

It's not like normal anxiety....it's hard every time until this is over I think.

:smitten:my thoughts and good energy are with you girl.  Have fun.

Hi to everyone; hope we all have a good day.  Still have a cold/flu and the usual morning fear/dread. Do you all get that morning "ick".  It's the x/s that I hate the most as it really gets my anxiety revved up which makes everything feel 1000 times worse than it is. I try to distract and tell myself it is all just benzo lies; my brain fixing itself......it will pass.

 

Whoot,

 

I found myself discovering the very same thing. It was like that for a while...then it was only "goofy" to do when in a wave of "fear", and "normal" to do when not in a wave of "fear"...and things are smoothing out more and more for me. Its still very "therapeutic" for me to not "avoid" when in a wave, though...it feels so good to face fear and train myself that it is not OK to "bow" to fear...I'm not perfect at it of course, and its just "IMO" and what I like & works well for me, too, of course Glad to hear things are getting better for you! Its well deserved

 

Mrs.

[[Aq...]]

Anyone else get this? RE: Central Nervous System. 

 

So, I have been having a decent window, still have my headaches but if there is no added stress I am feeling pretty good.  However, yesterday I went to an event that I was really looking forward to.  Super excited about.  So no 'stress' or 'nervousness' should be around.  However, since i was excited, my nervous system went haywire.  Felt extreme rushes of dizziness, heat, explosive heart pumping, and it couldn't calm down until the event was over.  It was crazy.  So, really even when there is excitement, the CNS goes into overdrive and makes the situation nearly intolerable.  I have even noticed this watching an exciting sporting event on TV of all things.  Ughh.  At least I am back to 'normal' now.  Anyone else have this?

[[mr...]]

Anyone else get this? RE: Central Nervous System. 

 

So, I have been having a decent window, still have my headaches but if there is no added stress I am feeling pretty good.  However, yesterday I went to an event that I was really looking forward to.  Super excited about.  So no 'stress' or 'nervousness' should be around.  However, since i was excited, my nervous system went haywire.  Felt extreme rushes of dizziness, heat, explosive heart pumping, and it couldn't calm down until the event was over.  It was crazy.  So, really even when there is excitement, the CNS goes into overdrive and makes the situation nearly intolerable.  I have even noticed this watching an exciting sporting event on TV of all things.  Ughh.  At least I am back to 'normal' now.  Anyone else have this?

 

I can definitely relate on many levels. Excitement, positive or negative, is still regarded as "stimuli" for now. We are still healing I received good news of a rather large sale that went through for my husband and I, and my body felt "revved" for a while after. Its getting better and better all the time of course, but it'll take a little more time I think to be back to "normal" under all circumstances

 

It is interesting though, isn't it? Oh well -- we are healing!!!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

I did well getting myself worked up this am.  I woke up with stomach bloating and discomfort after feeling better yesterday.  I ate some meatloaf( a little bit) and tuna at dinner time.  I felt okay til the am.  While driving into work my mind started racing to thoughts about naseau and vomiting being signs of a heart attack.  This was on my mind because I have a client who is a  cardiologist.  He told me to fax the EKG I had to him for a second look.  I did that this am and he said it was abnormal but not to worry.  He would recommend a stress test or another ekg in the future just for comparisons sake.  He said it looked like the EkG of a smoker.  I quit a while ago.  While faxing in the reults my arms and legs felt like they didn't work.  They weren't patralyzed but they felt like they didn't want to respond to my thoughts.  I get this a decent amount and it still scares me.  That along with me "finding" a reason my vomiting and nausea is something deadly and not just normal is making my morning full of irrational health anxiety.

[[pe...]]

Hi Drew,

I'm so sorry. You spoke with a doctor on your trip who was familiar with benzo recovery. I thought that doctor was convinced that you were fit. Does the cardiologist who recently viewed your EKG know about the benzo piece? I wonder if knowing that would inform his recommendation to get another opinion. Either way, more information won't hurt.

 

Another thing Drew, I think you and I stay pretty busy with work and such. Lately, I've felt like I don't have/take time to listen to my symptoms. It's like not properly comforting a screaming child. You can try to pat it on the head and move on but often times the child just keeps wailing. Maybe our symptoms need some undivided attention, where we can really look them over and see what they/we are trying to tell us. Just an idea.

 

I hope you get a break before the day is through.

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Green ... thanks for "rehab" ... gonna shift my head a little ... putting two together ... "rehab / re-entry" ...

 

For me, and maybe others, who were long time users, this idea of the necessity of some "rehab" is coming into focus this past week since my "retirement" ...

 

For me, there was a long, gradual physical decline, especially during the last years of my using ... mental, physical and emotional ... very much an awareness of atrophy and disintegration going on ... a feeling of things just slipping away ... the sense that my "story" was ending ...

 

Then along came the "lifeline" of Whitaker's book ... and a spark got lit ... maybe this is all about the drug ... and it took maybe a year for a "plan" to emerge ... my "resources" had dwindled ... my "trust" was at a very low ebb ... trusting myself anymore and trusting those around me who should have had "eyes to see" ...

 

And I chose to accept this path of recovery ... a last resort ... and some three more years have passed ...

 

That is the meaning, for me, of my phrase ... "this marvelous gift we have given ourselves" ...

 

And we have all done this ... our courage ... our commitment ... our steadfastness ... each of us, within the container of our own lives and our communities, are a "success" ... we are showing ourselves ... each other ... our families ... and our communities ... there is "life" after the drug(s) ... real life ... boundless life ... precious life ...

 

We are not "done" with this yet ... certainly ... and each of us are approaching a new "Spring" after a sometimes very long "Winter" of recovery ... we are getting close ... I can smell the daffodils ...

 

Sorry ... got long-winded, again ... more on my "rehab" later ...

 

Have a good Thursday ...

 

Nova, I relate so much.  I was one of those long term users, and I was empty, lost, broken, ill, at the end.  I, too, thought it was end of story.  And the thought of death was so frightening because I couldn't remember my life, I couldn't remember having lived, I had no emotional memories.  That state of mind, that loss of self, was responsible for some of the horror of withdrawal.  I had been on them way, way too long.  I was so numb I had just been going through the motions for many years.

 

When I try to do things now, like you,  the body and mind feels clumsy, awkward.  But I'm very hopeful for us both, for all of us.  I believe our bodies and spirits have an amazing capacity to heal, and heal they will. 

 

Hope we get a nice pic of that rug at some point. 

[[pe...]]

HH-

I am so happy for your healing and your willingness to share it with us! I hope your daughter has a great game.

 

I remember you writing about attending a wedding with your family this summer. You were struggling to be all in and now you are. Congrats!

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Green ... you betcha' ... it all adds up ...

 

Started working with my rug stuff this weekend ... have not been able to work with it for a very long time, maybe four years or so ... cutting yarn, following a pattern, designing a pattern ... lots of hand eye stuff ... and I am finding I can work with this stuff again ... real slow ... another good sign ...

 

There are still moments I feel a little off working with it ... feels like my brain is sliding a bit ... or both eyes aren't quite in sync ... and repetitious hand movement doesn't always work ... part of my post-retirement rehab  is to work this "hobby" back into my life ... I believe we absolutely need some creativity back in our lives ... a big part of "normalizing" ... and getting some of our good stuff back ...

 

Nova, I couldn't agree more.

 

Benzos, thoughts of having reached " adulthood " had encouraged me to put any creativity on the backburner for my pressing, "adult" issues. After taking benzos, this must have been the stupidest thing I did. From the backburner, my creativity ended up disappearing until I had no memory of it.

 

Two years ago, an acquaintance asked me what hobbies I had and I did not know what to answer ! That was the first warning that something was really wrong.

Now, that I have my hobbies back, plus so many new interests,  I intend to pursue my creativity with hammer and thongs. It has the same importance that going to the gym might have, it is healthy for my brain and makes me happy, who cares about the results !

 

 

Jenny...I would love it you started the thread. I see myself straddling both groups. It is a great idea... and needed. ....coop

I struggle to follow one thread, so I do see myself definitely not straddling two groups but moving on to the next one. Please, let me know how this goes.

 

Coop, so glad you forced yourself into a window ! I see more of this happening in the future. 

 

Today, I am back in my wavy state.  I am vibrating badly. It' s so odd. On the day off that I get, I am so scared, I am with bated breath waiting, not daring to do anything, in disbelief. Then, by the end of the day, when I am comfortable with not suffering so much,  I start to think of what I could have done. The next day, the wave is back and I am in shock all over again ! !

 

Ok, that is it for now, please hang in there and let's see what this day has in store for us. 

 

Sky, look at how you've cut and pasted and parsed these posts!  GF, that's some brand new shiny up regulation going on there.

 

I'm very hopeful when I read about the return of creativity, yours and Nova's.  I don't think I can sit down with my "stuff" yet. 

 

I'm very aware how benzos rob people of every drop of creativity, so it's real progress when it comes home

[[Gr...]]

Hi Again ...

 

"Rehab" ... mental vigour pretty good, although not yet untangled from recovery ... physical vigour ... not anywhere near where I "want" to be ...

 

So that is in process now ... weight loss is a big task for me over the next months ... and I will use my "tortoise" approach which works very well for me ... two hours a day walking ... one in morning, one in afternoon ... and I have my winter weather track set up inside our building ... stairs and hallways ... and I certainly have enough clothes to walk outside when the weather allows ... so, just do it ... one day at a time ... this benzo process has given me the trust to know what works for me ...

 

Rugs ... have not worked on a rug for a very long time ... still have one on my rug table that I started some five years ago ... and yarn on shelves all over my room ... I left it all out so I could remember ... hoping one day to get back to this work ... and I am slowly coming back ... still a little difficult because of the hand/eye/brain process that is required ... and things are getting better ... no longer getting dizzy and boaty winding and cutting a stick of yarn ... most of the time ...

 

I do the rug stuff from "scratch" ... design my own patterns, cut my own wool yarn, and do the hooking ... takes a very long time to "finish" something ... and the "energy" is in the doing ... meditation with a latch-hook ... while listening to my audiobook stories ...

 

So that is my Fall / Winter "plan" ... slow and easy ...

 

And I am getting my sourdough starter going again ... the food process is important to me ... looking after it is part of my responsibility to this household ... and I am pretty good at it when I can stay present ...

 

With retirement and the return of intermittent stability things will move along over the next months ... looking forward to Spring ... and will enjoy the process of living through this Fall and Winter ...

 

My "centre" is holding more and more lately ... beginning to lose the "claustrophobia" of the past three years ... expansion is on the breeze ... feeling much more comfortable on the "out breath" ... it has been a long time breathing in and holding it ... the rhythm is peaking out around the edges ...

 

Take Care

 

It sounds like living a life.  It sounds really good.  I hope I'm right behind you.

[[No...]]

Green ... today feels like most of the world is out in front of me again ... went for a walk and had to turn around and come home ... crash and burn time ... and life goes on ... this will pass ... I write some stuff ... and reflect on some stuff and feel good ... then kablammmm ...

 

And I know the numb, dull, empty place ... spent many seasons there ... and we aren't going back ...

[[No...]]

Drew ... I have no suggestions ... only getting through the day ... and maybe follow up some more as Peace suggests ... this can all be so damn confusing ...

 

Maybe our bodies are so marvelous that no one can give the same opinion two times in a row ... I don't know ...the health anxiety sucks ... maybe some day it won't ...

[[mr...]]

I did well getting myself worked up this am.  I woke up with stomach bloating and discomfort after feeling better yesterday.  I ate some meatloaf( a little bit) and tuna at dinner time.  I felt okay til the am.  While driving into work my mind started racing to thoughts about naseau and vomiting being signs of a heart attack.  This was on my mind because I have a client who is a  cardiologist.  He told me to fax the EKG I had to him for a second look.  I did that this am and he said it was abnormal but not to worry.  He would recommend a stress test or another ekg in the future just for comparisons sake.  He said it looked like the EkG of a smoker.  I quit a while ago.  While faxing in the reults my arms and legs felt like they didn't work.  They weren't patralyzed but they felt like they didn't want to respond to my thoughts.  I get this a decent amount and it still scares me.  That along with me "finding" a reason my vomiting and nausea is something deadly and not just normal is making my morning full of irrational health anxiety.

 

Drew,

 

Something someone mentioned along the way really made sense to me. They said that symptoms of a heart attack don't just suddenly "arise" upon thought of them. It doesn't work that way. The EKG was nothing to worry about, confirmed now by 2 separate doctors. If it looks like one of "a smoker", I'd say that's pretty accurate, considering you used to smoke! Right? Just like anything, healing from smoking will take time -- and you are, and you will -- so, no biggie, right?

 

I've actually begun the process of facing these "health concerns" just like any other fear I've faced thus far. Working on looking at them like all the other "fears", etc. And it is beginning to pay off, just like facing the other "fears" in withdrawal have been. You know how you feel about performing, and you do it anyways. Figuring out how to face down the health thoughts in a similar manner will have a similar reward to it, you know? I'm not sure how you can do that for you, since I know we're all different. It'll take some creativity, I'm sure -- some of these health concerns are sorta 'intangible' in facing, in that its not like a concrete event or place to go and physically spend time at. Maybe scheduling a stress test with a cardiologist you trust, and letting him know beforehand that you're looking to overcome a "fear" of a heart attack. When I let my cardiologist know a "fear" of mine had been "tachycardia", he showed me a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be afraid, and then even ran some comprehensive tests that PROVED that MY heart's tachycardia was 100% great and healthy. He also shared some facts about how strong and powerful a muscle the heart is, etc. Long story short, it was AWESOME. And if I EVER want reassurance, he is a phone call away -- which I've used just a couple times since then, and he's never failed me! He is also benzo-wise (I'm finding that a good number of cardiologists are, actually), and has been super supportive.

 

Love to ya, bro -- I mention all this hoping it might help trigger something in you that helps you "right-hook" those dumb thoughts. Its a journey, this benzo withdrawal. Glad you're here, and hope you're feeling better soon Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[wh...]]

Mrs

thanks for your positive posts today.  I am in that icky fear/dread anxiety place today with body aches etc.....you know.

Your posts really help.  You are so sweet and positive.

 

Drew I know the health fear is so awful; we all get it; I'm going to try to follow Mrs advice and also just hold on and get through another day. Your brain needs to attach a reason to the fear that an over-sensitive amygdala and body are experiencing so it will grab on to something like "heart attack" or for me "breathing" and blow it way out of proportion.  My therapist actually told me this was what was happening and also that my receptors were full; all used up; that is what the benzo drugs do but now there is room and reasoning is coming back but it is confusing and the amygdala is affected very much by all this....it's our fear centre..  it gets very confused.  Our poor amygdalas.  I'm trying to picture mine as some cute lost animal that needs my love and attention.....it helps.

 

My "centre" is holding more and more lately ... beginning to lose the "claustrophobia" of the past three years ... expansion is on the breeze ... feeling much more comfortable on the "out breath" ... it has been a long time breathing in and holding it ... the rhythm is peaking out around the edges ... I love this Nova.  I feel like I'm holding my breath a lot; your words are so eloquent. Sure sounds like "us" coming back to ourselves and fear not having such a strong hold on us.  Healing.  Slowly. Love to you bud.

HealingHope; you sound so good; so happy for you. Thank you for the happy hopeful posts. Have a great day; you deserve all the best.  I had a nice window as well; can't wait until it holds;  that stick I have holding it open keeps snapping.....

Everyone else you are all amazingly strong.  Love and strength to you my friends.

 

[[dr...]]

You're all so awesome :smitten:think I've mentioned that before   It's amazing how our brains can try and connect the dots from a simple pain to something catastrophic.  I knew my thoughts were irrational but I let them get the better of me. I want to hate myself for it but I cant. I love me too much

 

I really like your suggestion mrs about letting the dr know Im a fear guy.

[[Co...]]

AQUAVAL...What you are experiencing is really typical. I am.a few days from month 12 and I still get the same reaction to emotions...good or bad. Not always but unpredictably . Also just as you say.  even watching movies with emotional impact will bring the anxiety and heart pounding. Mine has I.proved greatly. You can be reassured that this is w/d and will go away with time.

........9 months is a very long way to travel....well done, you are going to get through all this...coop

[[Co...]]

Drew..  try to remember that obsessive health fears are in themselves w/d s/x. Do not blame yourself for this. I have been tortured by them from acute on. Distraction helps me alot on days when they are moderate. If they are more than moderate reassurance wherever I can find it helps. Some days nothing helps and I just have to get through them. The thing that helps the most is reminding myself that when I am in a window I do not suffer from them at all....they disappear. In a wave it is hard to remind myself of that because the health fears can be so convincing. Also, remind yourself of all the posts that have been written that say, " I had a hundred tests run and they were all good "....It is always good to have s/x checked out ..the reassurance goes a long way. You just had 2 cardiac evaluations that were good...try to believe them,  although the thought of " I think they missed something " is very strong.

. ....Give yourself some time...going to the er is scary and it takes awhile to shake it. You are going to get past this, but it is a tough one and it wears on you. Mrs 's and Whoot 's " just do it " approach gets us over some rocky roads and builds our confidence when we can do things ' with and in spite of ' fear. ...but go gently .. ....so sorry you suffer from this torture Drew...if you did not suffer from this before benzos you can be assured that it will go away.....can't happen fast enough for me. .....wishing you big sunbreaks....coop

[[Co...]]

WHOOT....I think that is it exactly, ..." it is not like normal anxiety...it is hard EVERY time. ". That is it....with ' normal ' anxiety facing it and getting past it reduces the fear. W/d fear is just there ...except when its not. ...This is my worst s/x.. fed daily by head pressure and brain buzzing...today has been tough, but like you say. .you just have to do what you want to do in spite of it. I ended up with such a great day yesterday and today...back in head pressure fear and hell....not where I wanted to be at year one ( Dec 3is my jump date). ...but it is where I am so it is what is is until its not.....

....Whoot,  you are sounding bravew and strong....wishing you good good days. ....coop

[[dr...]]

I had mild health anxiety pre benzo when I got really sick on occasion.  With this damn merry go round I have reason for it to flare daily.  I usually can hold it down but once in a while it rears its head.  Reassurance really goes a long way in helping it.  I just feel silly with the amount and number of reassurances.  It really is compounded by recovery.

[[je...]]

Drew, I distinctly remember around 6 months out the feeling of not being able to get my body to move. I remember sitting on my couch and wanting to get up, and I literally could not get my body to move. It freaked me out... Just want you to know that sx is completely gone and I don't get it anymore. Its all w/d, your gonna be fine. Jenny

[[be...]]

Hi all, I've been reading some posts here, but as usual can't remember who said what.

The health fears will consume you if you let them. While I still have health fears it is getting better. I still carry what I call my medical bag. In the bag I carry Tylenol pills, liquid Tylenol, pepto bismol, tums, and emergency muscle relaxers (flexerill). I won't leave home without this bag, it's like a security blanket. I have not had to use anything from my bag yet, but it's there if I need it.

Yes, I know all of this stuff is crazy, but we do what we have to do to make it through this withdrawal journey.

This time last year I told my husband I wanted to make out a will, I really did believe I was going to die of a heart attack and or stroke. What a year brings.......Healing!!

I just passed out candy to the trick- or - treaters, they were so cute, a very nice distraction..

Hang in there all, and remember to take the baby steps. Hugs.

[[Gr...]]

Hi, everyone, lots of health fears.  I refuse to acknowledge my health fears, so they're not up front and center.  However, I do see myself dead and buried any day now, I'm obsessed with putting my affairs in order, I don't see my impending death as gloomy, I just accept it as a fact and have made my peace with it.  I'm 56 and in fairly good health, aside from withdrawal kicking my a$$.  Sounds crazy?  Yes.  But I also realize that, as Whoot said, we're dealing with the amygdala, we're dealing with irrational, primal fear, pure fear, that probably attaches to some minor insecurity heretofore buried deep in the psyche.

 

I don't think there's much I can do about the death thing, more than what I have

 

I used to work around a psych ward (non medical, more legal) and had occasion to hear the shrinks opine a lot on psych diagnoses.  I remember one of them explaining persistent delusion, and it so fits the death/health fears.  It's a delusion that remains no matter how much proof there is to the contrary.

 

In withdrawal we experience so many real, bona fide psychiatric symptoms.  The DP, DR a lot of us get is mind blowing, the visual distortions, auditory hallucinations.

 

Remember, in windows, this all goes away.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... today feels like most of the world is out in front of me again ... went for a walk and had to turn around and come home ... crash and burn time ... and life goes on ... this will pass ... I write some stuff ... and reflect on some stuff and feel good ... then kablammmm ...

 

And I know the numb, dull, empty place ... spent many seasons there ... and we aren't going back ...

 

I know, Nova, cars, trucks and people, and I'm the center of gravity, they're all bound to crash into me.    Try it again tomorrow.

[[Gr...]]

Drew, I distinctly remember around 6 months out the feeling of not being able to get my body to move. I remember sitting on my couch and wanting to get up, and I literally could not get my body to move. It freaked me out... Just want you to know that sx is completely gone and I don't get it anymore. Its all w/d, your gonna be fine. Jenny

 

Jenny, do you know why that happens?  Is it anxiety?  Do you know?