[Lo...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 LOVINGMOTHER. None of this is your fault.....The fault lies in many places. none of which belong to you. You are to be commended for the huge effort and commitment ...and endurance that you are putting forth. You are a wonderful image of strength for your son. ...I love your mantra, " put one foot in front of the other and gently push ". Your little boy sees all the things he loves in you. ...If you keep on going so will I. ...We are all with you...every step of the way. Love to you.... coop Thank you Coop...I needed some reassurance. It's just been a huge whirlwind and I'm ready to be me again. I was so active and I think this time around I will be even happier than before, more grateful and I now know who my real real real friends are. Thanks Coop...I'm glad I have BB's! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Coop (and others), I pulled out of my "archives" (lol) and listened to some Dr Claire Weekes today. She has some incredibly helpful audios and books regarding overcoming fear and panic. There is a streaming audio I've listened to lots, and have been blessed by it so much. Coop, she even addresses experiencing what feels like "setbacks", and how to quickly rebound and be better from them Among many other tips regarding panic and anxiety. Its called "How to Recover From Anxiety", and I stream them from this website: http://www.junior-anxiety-depression-exchange.org.uk/Relax.html Perhaps it can help someone else as well We CAN and WILL and ARE overcoming this, gang. One day at a time! Love to you all, Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Coop (and others), I pulled out of my "archives" (lol) and listened to some Dr Claire Weekes today. She has some incredibly helpful audios and books regarding overcoming fear and panic. There is a streaming audio I've listened to lots, and have been blessed by it so much. Coop, she even addresses experiencing what feels like "setbacks", and how to quickly rebound and be better from them Among many other tips regarding panic and anxiety. Its called "How to Recover From Anxiety", and I stream them from this website: http://www.junior-anxiety-depression-exchange.org.uk/Relax.html Perhaps it can help someone else as well We CAN and WILL and ARE overcoming this, gang. One day at a time! Love to you all, Mrs. She is great! I tried a new experiment when walking today and it felt like my legs didn't want to move. I am too much in my head as most of us are. I just repeated "I feel good' with every step I took. I just filled my brain with that saying and didn't allow any other thoughts to crawl in. It worked! I made it back to the office with a lot less anxiety. I know it sounds crazy but stopping the whirling negative thoughts is a big part of our healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Way to go Drew! This has worked wonders for me in healing, but not "sticking" today! It's like I've had a big setback...sheesh! Really?!?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 GMIT ... sorry you are feeling "setback" ... and these come and go ... such a bloody nuisance ... Oh well ... only four days til more fishing ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Mrs ... Claire Weekes carried me forward way back when ... many years ago ... taught me how to survive "panic" ... the only light I had for a long time ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Drew ... did kind of the same thing today ... didn't "want" to go for my afternoon walk ... and wanted to take the bus back after getting to the library ... nope ... walked all the way ... up the hill, down the hill, up the hill, and back down again ... counted chucks of sidewalk ... got to 15, stopped, did another 15 ... got bored counting and just walked ... Some of this stuff is indeed in my head ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Yes Nova...the count down to fishing!! That makes me feel better just thinking about it! I would NEVER EVER take that wicked drug again, but I would sure love a break from this...I'm so extremely tired...negative thoughts are dreadful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Mrs and Drew.. I have been doing. the. " I feel better " mantra ...as in " I feel better.. there is no need to ' check my b/p more than once " ( the elevated b/p is triggering my irrational fear). ans I am going about my day as usual. with some anxiety....but manageable....though tired because of only 2 hours sleep. Surprisingly I am functioning ( within my house) with and in spite of fatigue.....thanks for posting the " I feel better/good " mantra. ...You are both so very inspiring...wishing you both very good days....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Coop, I'll dig this up from the "archives" as well, lol Your blood pressure is fine, and there is nothing to fear. Love ya gal. Mrs. Nova, One more note for you I found this post back a few months ago when I was experiencing an "irrational benzo fear" regarding blood pressure: "I want to try and help with your fear of high BP. I am a 71 year old male, I do have some health concerns but they are unique to me. My Mother passed two years ago she was 88, she was suffering from dementia. Her life time BP reading were always over 150/80. I dont mean spikes it stayed high, she also took several BP meds. Most of the time her BP would be 180/90. Now no one wants this kind of readings but she had them but she never had kidney problems, any kind of stroke ect. My BP runs about 145/85 same with me no kidney problems. I dont remember seeing your age but I'm sure you are younger than I am, my point is the problems you are woried about are not that common and keeping ones BP down is a protective measure for sure, but for your general health I would recommend to try and stop worrying about all these different things. The worrying is probably worse than anything thats really going on in your life. You need a break, give yourself one. Read SC's resources and put them into practice. See you on the playground! Larry ***" Love to Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Green and Sky, that is so awesome that you are both about to celebrate your year! Nova just had his! Just amazing! Bet it seemed like you would never get there! You guys are doing so great! Yes, GMIT, it's wonderful, it does actually happen at some point, and you're right behind us! Thanks for the thumbs up. I was trying so hard to post you a "gone fishing" image, and I still can't figure out how to get the damned picture on! LovingMother gave me very detailed instructions, and I can't figure it out Anyway, happy to hear that you get some fishing in! Green, until you figure out I will post this little fishy that gives the picture ! http://i59.tinypic.com/x4rqdl.jpg That is so perfect! Did you draw that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Hey Guys, I am always reading this thread, seeing you all make progress, makes me realize I will, too. I usually don't check in much, can't find the right words. For some crazy reason, I thought by 6 months I would see major improvement, and that did not happen. Now at 7 months CT, I was hoping for 12 months recovery, but realistically reading many posts, it looks like healing is really more in the range of 18-24 months. You all seem to have accepted this time frame......I keep fighting it. And it does wear me out. How did you all reach this point where you are more accepting of the extended recovery time, you all seem to be more at peace with the process than I am. Any advice for me? Sky, I so understand that "fear" of being alone, My husband travels out of town on business, and I am alone 3 nights a week. What I fear I don't even know? I have lost my job over this, I lost me. I never had anxiety, depression, panic before I CT. Anyway, what I have done when alone, is I usually wait 15 minutes and if my fear and panic does not eave, then I call my daughter or friend, that helps calm me down. I let them know when I am alone, I have no family close by, so the phone is what I use. Akways, cindy CIndy, there are no shortcuts for acceptance. I worked on this so long, I had read Matt's benzopedia, you see and most of the trick to deal with symptoms involved acceptance. How did you get this fabled acceptance ? It isn't a place you go logically. You understand it but that isn't enough. I got there slowly, the minute I realized my symptoms were here to stay for a long time. It is a process against which I still struggle now and then, if my expectations are slighlty higher for a deadline. You will get there, don't worry and you will be so much stronger. About fear of being alone. I forgot to mention that only now, after almost 12 (yay !) months, am I starting to close the bathroom door for anything !! :-[ I may never get my sex life back after this ! But who cares ? What I have now is priceless ! Well said, very well said! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Coop, so sorry to hear of your latest wave. Remember it will pass and you will probably have a better baseline. Thinking of you Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Garton, I get that same lonely feeling even if I'm around people. Ive Always been painfully shy and had anxiety around people even though I bartended in all the biggest nightclubs in my city and was a bartender at a local bar where my job was to talk to people all day long ( no clue how I pulled it off all those years). I really don't have any friends, a few aquaintaces and that's it. I find myself always thinking about the future and once my kids are grown up, then what? It scares me at times too, I try not to think about it too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Back in acute. After 2 days of wide open windows last week ....A total anxiety / panic on Sunday. Much like Nova 's experience that took him to er. ...I woke up $unday morning with fierce nausea, pounding heart fear and of course elevated b/p. The last 2 days have been more of the same.. add insomnia and tinnitus that is up.a few notches and non-stop... .....At just a few days shy of beginning month 12 I am both terrified ( again) and utterly discouraged Crying crying crying...so afraid that I am ending up protracted...So worn out by this. My baseline was holding so well I would have pretty much settled for continued good baseline. ......I am so sorry for the bleak post...I truly felt that I was at a place where I could function and handle the "off " days and begin to put a few more pieces together...now I feel exactly like I did in months 4 and 6..... .....Well after that awful post I am wishing all a much much better day . ...I am hoping for a turn around.....love to every one of you....coop Dear Coop, I'm so sorry. And I'm there with you. Terrible nausea today, dizzy, boaty. the nausea, though, was the worst. It has to be a normal healing pattern if we both have it. And Sky is not catching any breaks either. I was thinking of Jenny, and how rough it was for her right before her 1st anniversary. It's really hard getting hit right when we're coming up on a year, it's scary. I couldn't help being discouraged, and a little scared, so close to one year having such heavy symptoms as I did today. I would be lying if I said I wasn't rattled. But everyone on this thread has had a rough time at one year. And they get better, the baseline goes up. And so will we, the wave will pass, and the next window will be longer. Feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Drew, drew!! You'd be so proud of me!! I did a little impromptu public speaking tonight! So dumb, that voice of withdrawal. I have absolutely zero fear of panic, but once in a while the 'benzo-brain' tries to press a fear that direction (Grrr!)...anyways, I got my butt up and out of the chair and went to the front of the room...and just did it!! Whew, what a rush!! I'm surely glad its over, but also EXTREMELY glad I did it!! You totally inspired me to do it, bro...with all your travelin' and stage performin'...you're The Man, dude!! Felt GOOD -- I used to do it lots of times, and actually enjoyed it lots, so it felt good to do it again (even through faux benzo fear ). So thanks for that inspiration, buddy OK, just had to stop by briefly and share Have a great night, all Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Jeez Green!...We are the Bobsy Twins....what a relief to hear that yet again we are within days of the same wave pattern...although you know I would so much rather that you logging huge wide open windowsw every night. The nausea was so much woryse than what I usually get. Sounds like the same for you...damn damn damn...Yes, I think we are all fighting our way through waves to get over the one year mark. You are right...this wave will pass for all of us who are wavy and we will pick up our much improved baselines again. It is so scary, but some day this really is going to be over. ...Feel better I am thinking of you too...I hope you get some sleep...here 's to a better day tomorrow dear friend.....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ga...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Wow Jenny...you and I are two peas in a pod. We sound so similar in many ways. I was relatively shy but I could always hold my own with friends. I am fairly good at holding conversations with people. There are times I am not comfortable and am caught up thinking about my own thoughts rather than the conversation at hand. I do have one fairly good friend and others I guess I could call friends but we don't share our deep dark secrets. We have neighbors we get together with but I don't really feel close to any of them. I guess we're just not "social" people. I get along great with folks at work and am well liked by all. I go out of my way to treat people with respect...just like I would like to be treated in return. Anyhow...the thought of being alone does scare me also. Not thinking about it is probably the best idea, Jenny. I just find that the thought crosses my mind more frequently as I age. Hope you're having a good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[He...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Coop, I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. I want to share with you how I was feeling just about the same time frame as you are now. This is copied from my log: "6/8 - Having a really tough morning. Woke up with a huge cortisol rush at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep. My anxiety has been very much elevated ever since, complete with dry heaves, benzo-rhea, depression, fear, internal vibrations, jitters. This really sucks. This wave started with my period, but my period only lasted 2 1/2 days and ended yesterday...and this wave is going strong. I thought I was a good 95% healed, but now I am questioning that. During these times I get so afraid that I will completely backslide. Trying to be proactive, I went for a 2.5 mile walk this morning. I will be jumping into the shower and going to help out at the basketball parking lot sale. I hope that will help pull me out of this undertow... 11 months, 8 days off and feeling terrible, and discouraged, and afraid" Hang in there, my friend. It gets SO much better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Coop, I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. I want to share with you how I was feeling just about the same time frame as you are now. This is copied from my log: "6/8 - Having a really tough morning. Woke up with a huge cortisol rush at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep. My anxiety has been very much elevated ever since, complete with dry heaves, benzo-rhea, depression, fear, internal vibrations, jitters. This really sucks. This wave started with my period, but my period only lasted 2 1/2 days and ended yesterday...and this wave is going strong. I thought I was a good 95% healed, but now I am questioning that. During these times I get so afraid that I will completely backslide. Trying to be proactive, I went for a 2.5 mile walk this morning. I will be jumping into the shower and going to help out at the basketball parking lot sale. I hope that will help pull me out of this undertow... 11 months, 8 days off and feeling terrible, and discouraged, and afraid" Hang in there, my friend. It gets SO much better! You're swell, HH I know this was written to Coop, but I got a lot out of it myself also. Love to you, Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Green ... seems there is big rough patch for some of us around this "1 year" time ... and it is sure "stretching" my energy and my "acceptance" ... some days the "what else can I do?" thoughts are really loud ... And I am able sometimes to settle down far enough to know there is no "else" ... I am where I have chosen to be and I am getting there ... this yoyo-ing back and forth between "pretty good" and "really lousy" sure wears me down dome days ... And I am so thankful to know I have gotten this far ... and I know I will get all the way home ... we all will ... Hang in there ... we are strong ... we are resourceful ... we are determined ... our good fortune has brought us to this place ... Tuesday is here ... Monday is in the books ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 HH ... thank you for your "reminder" ... you help all of us so much with your being here ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Green ... seems there is big rough patch for some of us around this "1 year" time ... and it is sure "stretching" my energy and my "acceptance" ... some days the "what else can I do?" thoughts are really loud ... And I am able sometimes to settle down far enough to know there is no "else" ... I am where I have chosen to be and I am getting there ... this yoyo-ing back and forth between "pretty good" and "really lousy" sure wears me down dome days ... And I am so thankful to know I have gotten this far ... and I know I will get all the way home ... we all will ... Hang in there ... we are strong ... we are resourceful ... we are determined ... our good fortune has brought us to this place ... Nova, all you said is true. It is a sunny day here. My period is in full sway and I have many symptoms competing for my attention ! Hoping you guys will do great today. Tuesday is here ... Monday is in the books ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pe...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I am 'here', following your waves and windows. Feeling helpless to add anything new to the conversation and too tired to rev up my rah-rah. I'm sad that Coop and Green and Nova are feeling symptoms but I know each of you knows the way. Someday it will be just a distant memory. Peace2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Good Afternoon ... Today is a real hard one ... have had boaty-anxiety since the middle of the night ... and the sweats ... up and down and up and down ... Thinking this is the real me without the drug ... which is utterly ridiculous ... the health stuff and the doubt and revving around as well ... Any kind of motion beyond a slow walk sets them off ... SNAFU ... situation normal, all frizzed up ... and I ain't talking about my hair ... and that would be a short conversation ... Hope my other Buddies are getting some relief today ... Time to chug some more Elixir ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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