Valium/Diazepam Support Group

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The last year has ruined me

Physically, I am unable to walk and can barely leave my bed because the pain in my deteriorating muscles is so bad that when I try to get up and move, even for a few minutes, I suffer so badly and I’m glued to the bed again. Im so weak… I’ve been on Valium for the past 15 years. (Originally given for generalized anxiety) After starting a beta blocker in Jan 2021 (because the cardio dr said it helped anxiety), and subsequently tapering it due to side effects, I started noticing the V wasnt working any more.

 

I thought this was all mental so I saw a therapist that told me my primary doc should have switched my benzo a long time ago. She (primary doc) prescribed Xanax 1mg 2x per day, and over the next four months, my body went crazy. I felt like my heart would race when I took them, and after just a few months (4) I started developing severe interdose withdrawals.

 

I immediately told my primary doc, who told me to stop taking Xanax, and go right back onto the V.

I tried the very next day, to substitute a 10mg V and all hell broke loose. 12hr long panic and psychosis until the evening when I went back to the Xanax again, and again I was back into interdose withdrawals for one week straight.

 

They were so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure so I went to a medical detox which kept me for 5 days on Librium, and released me with…. You guessed it - a prescription for Valium 5mg 2-3 times daily. 

 

I have been out of the 5 day rapid detox and back on the Valium since Dec 19th, 2021

I have been taking only 5mg 2x a day, once in the morning at 9 and one in the evening at 9pm

I have not been able to stabilize back on the Valium… Its almost like taking nothing.

A month and a half and no stabilizing…. Cant go up in dose now or I risk even further tolerance (per Ashton manual)

 

A little about me: started off as overweight type 2 diabetic, high blood pressure, ascending aortic aneurism… very scary stuff

I also have had (since I started taking the beta blocker and coming off it) constant diarrhea and bloating which has caused me to lose 85 pounds or so. The diabetes is nearly gone now but my blood pressure fluctuates.

I am completely bedridden and I have a bedside toilet. I can walk to the car with my wife’s help but if I go anywhere I’m being pushed by her in a wheelchair. The diarrhea isnt just sometimes, its every morning. I might get a day or two where it stiffens up a tiny bit, but for a year this has been my life.

My leg and arm muscles are so much smaller now, and I can see my bones sticking out, like for example, my hip bones protrude against my arms if i sleep on my side and I can feel it.

 

I dont feel right in my own body…usually when a person loses this much weight, they feel energetic but I am frail and my whole body hurts so bad. I am prescribed hydrocodone for pain but i dont take it because it makes me feel speedy and amps up my anxiety. I havent taken any at all for the last 6 months. Just regular tylenol which does nothing.

 

I feel SO hopeless. I’m a 47 year old man who was young at heart, had friends, played music in bads, recorded albums, went on tour, been married 20 years this April…we have 3 kids, 20, 17, and 14

And now I feel life is passing me by as I wither into nothingness. My wife loves me, but doesnt understand… and i know she cant unless shes had to go through it personally. I feel like when I talk to her about possibilities and suggestions, she starts to just blank out and really doesnt want to address the torment I am in every second of every day.

 

I feel like a failure to my kids and to my wife, and to God.

 

All this insanity seemed to come out of the blue, I never took more benzo than prescribed, and only in situational scenarios where I felt panic coming on.

 

Im seeing doctors but none seem to have answers… GI doc did an endoscopy and colonoscopy and only saw inflammation.

 

I was reffered to physical therapy but how can i do that and keep my blood pressure normal because of my anyuerim ? Its scary. Very scary.

 

I’ve lost everything… I’ve lost my “self”

 

The valium doseage I take barely keeps me from going into tolerance withdrawal

I never even took 5mg x2 per day before all this started, during those years…only like one 10mg pill every few days or maybe even one or two a week… just as needed.

 

I’m sitting in the dark right now, in bed, crying my eyes out. I have lost my sense of hope.

Everything I try seems to make me even worse and the pain is unbearable. Physically AND mentally.

Anti-depressants will raise my blood pressure… another worrisome thought.

 

I feel like I have nobody to turn to. My telehealth therapist treats it like its just normal anxiety without factoring in the benzo problem, or the current physical state i am in.

 

One last detail, my primary doc did a Vitamin D test on me and I am SEVERELY deficient. (Normal is 20, i am at 8… i got some suppliments, but im afraid to take them because I read people on here saying they rev up their symptoms really bad. Who knows if I can even absorb them with this much diarrhea going on for 8 months?

 

I am just at a complete loss. I feel like my wife is going to give up on me and take the kids…

 

I dont know what to do. I am so physically weak and also mentally…

I feel isolated while life passes me by. I wasnt supposed to become this person

 

All of these symptoms started in May or June of 2021 and just got progressively worse.

 

I get people telling me, go for a walk, get some exercise… I’d love to, honestly I would. And Lord knows I am thankful for those of you who can and do. You’re all walking miracles to me.

Right now it’s hard to muster up the strength to sit up in bed and look out my bedroom window and look at the dreary grey sky and snow and ice everywhere. I look in a mirror and it doesnt seem like me anymore… Just an empty shell.

 

I can barely watch movies or TV shows anymore because every time I do, I see these people walking around enjoying life in them and I think to myself, “I used to be able to walk around like that, I used to laugh like that…”

 

Now look at me

 

[[mr...]]

Why don’t you try to increase your dose a little bit. 

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Because at this point It will just make my tolerance higher and harder to come off of. I've been on the dose I'm on for over a month and not stabilized... at this point more won't stabilize  me it will just make my brain used to having more instead of less

 

That's what it says in the Ashton Manual about tolerance withdrawals, anyway.

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Joeb you are trucking right along!

Amazing work.

 

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward. 0.5 in one month was too fast.

Thinking of trying a daily micro taper approach this month.

 

My most troubling symptom is my eye focus.

My eyes fall out of focus so easily, and it takes incredible energy to bring them back into focus.

I feel brain zappy or dizzy every time I bring them back.

I have some random anxiety and heart palps, but I’ve learned to accept most of that.

 

It’s all worse with female cycles, so I’m hoping it eases up soon.

I guess 16% in one month is too fast for me.

 

I just want to be done!

But I also want to be more functional than I’ve been the past few weeks.

 

Tree

hey Tree how’s it going haven’t heard from you in a while

[Guest [bl...]]

Hi everyone -

 

Back to this as I am now back on 15mgs V (I could shoot myself - not actually but ya get the gist). This will be my second taper. What a dummy. I am wondering how to start tapering as my dose was never this high. Micro taper? Cut and hold? Ughhhh

 

Z man - don’t worry you’ll get you back! I did last time, gone right now but you does come back. Just remember it’s the drugs and not you!!!! Try to love yourself despite the mess. That’s what I’m trying to do and it sometimes works.

[[mr...]]

How are you feeling

[Guest [bl...]]

I’m sleeping so that’s something. Definitely not as bad as I was in Dec and Jan - I just feel weird, not like myself etc etc. I don’t feel like doing very much. I am hoping as I taper I heal.

[[mr...]]

I was on Valium daily for 9 years until the hospital put me on Klonopin.  Been on Klonopin for 3 months. Would going back to Valium be a problem?  Has anyone done something like this?

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I was on Valium daily for 9 years until the hospital put me on Klonopin.  Been on Klonopin for 3 months. Would going back to Valium be a problem?  Has anyone done something like this?

 

I was on Valium for a long time over 15 years, although I did not take it daily all the time. Sometimes I would go 4-5 days without needing one, ect

My doctor switched me to Xanax for four months (stupid) and when she realized it was causing me to be in tolerance withdrawal, she switched me back to Valium. Now the valium doesnt work anymore and I feel nothing from it and Im in constant withdrawal even taking it. Tons of side effects all day, every day and night.  Klonopin is quite a bit stronger than Valium but Valium has a fairly longer half life. It may work for you, but you might feel some withdrawal until the levels of Valium build back up. Hopefully you can do it, stabilize, and then start tapering down. I’ve never been able to stabilize back on the Valium. Its been almost two months. Its like my brain (and digestive system) wont accept Valium anymore after having a taste of a stronger benzo. For example, 1mg of Klonopin is as strong as 15mg of Valium, chemically. Anyone can feel free to correct  me if I am incorrect about this. If you are taking .25 klonopin 3x daily, you’d have to take like somewhere around 12mg of Valium to equal the Klonopin. (I think) of course im not a doctor so dont take what I say over the advice of yours) I hope everything works out. God bless

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Im on 2 mg daily currently, all going well just feeling odd but stable.

hey Nikitis how’s it going. I’m curious how long after a cut do you feel the sxs. .5 seems like a big cut/jolt in the lower doses. When I cut .25 I usually feel it between 3-7 days after so I’ve been holding a few days longer than my usual 7

Hope your well

Joeb

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Hi everyone -

 

Back to this as I am now back on 15mgs V (I could shoot myself - not actually but ya get the gist). This will be my second taper. What a dummy. I am wondering how to start tapering as my dose was never this high. Micro taper? Cut and hold? Ughhhh

 

Z man - don’t worry you’ll get you back! I did last time, gone right now but you does come back. Just remember it’s the drugs and not you!!!! Try to love yourself despite the mess. That’s what I’m trying to do and it sometimes works.

Hey Bless I’m so sorry about your setback, you were so low. May I ask what happened ? It’s scary to see such an updose when you were so close to the bottom. I understand if you wud rather not but was wondering if there’s anything we can learn to help us as we get lower. I sincerely hope you can go back down quicker and that you are feeling better

Joeb

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Hi everyone -

 

Back to this as I am now back on 15mgs V (I could shoot myself - not actually but ya get the gist). This will be my second taper. What a dummy. I am wondering how to start tapering as my dose was never this high. Micro taper? Cut and hold? Ughhhh

 

Z man - don’t worry you’ll get you back! I did last time, gone right now but you does come back. Just remember it’s the drugs and not you!!!! Try to love yourself despite the mess. That’s what I’m trying to do and it sometimes works.

 

Thank you and God bless you.

[Guest [bl...]]

You can have a peek at my post history - my worst mistake was never jumping. I got down to 0.25mgs and just stayed there because I never dealt with the trauma that was caused when I went CT. I was terrified that I jumped it would come back. I stayed on 0.25 mgs of V for 18 months. I was happy felt normal etc. my 2nd Covid vaccine did me in, of course I got a super rare side effect (pericarditis) and just really couldn’t function, symptoms from my CT came up and I went into a spiral. Because I was so scared I started updosing to find relief - 1mg etc etc. I tried another non benzo anxiety med (Lyrica) and it really didn’t work - I CT’d that (haven’t I learned my lesson yet  ) and really had a hard time even after 7 days. So I again updosed, at this point I hadn’t slept in 3 weeks so my doctor added Mirtazapine (fuel to the fire) - I did get some sleep but felt so weird. I tapered that and am now on 15mgs and stabilizing. Don’t be me hahaha

 

[[Tr...]]

Im on 2 mg daily currently, all going well just feeling odd but stable.

hey Nikitis how’s it going. I’m curious how long after a cut do you feel the sxs. .5 seems like a big cut/jolt in the lower doses. When I cut .25 I usually feel it between 3-7 days after so I’ve been holding a few days longer than my usual 7

Hope your well

Joeb

 

Joeb - so you feel it 3-5 days after taper, how long till symptoms peak? And then do you feel better before you go again? How long does that take?

😬

[[...]]

Im on 2 mg daily currently, all going well just feeling odd but stable.

hey Nikitis how’s it going. I’m curious how long after a cut do you feel the sxs. .5 seems like a big cut/jolt in the lower doses. When I cut .25 I usually feel it between 3-7 days after so I’ve been holding a few days longer than my usual 7

Hope your well

Joeb

 

Joeb - so you feel it 3-5 days after taper, how long till symptoms peak? And then do you feel better before you go again? How long does that take?

😬

Hey tree it takes about 7-8 days for symptoms to subside I never feel great but stable enough to continue after about 7-10 days. It’s getting harder as I get lower

Joeb

[[Ni...]]

Im on 2 mg daily currently, all going well just feeling odd but stable.

hey Nikitis how’s it going. I’m curious how long after a cut do you feel the sxs. .5 seems like a big cut/jolt in the lower doses. When I cut .25 I usually feel it between 3-7 days after so I’ve been holding a few days longer than my usual 7

Hope your well

Joeb

Hey Joeb, thanks for your message. I usually feel the sxs after a cut the day right after and it lasts for 4 days. Had some trouble with the parents-in-law haha, I'm becoming more mouthy again as I'm tapering down.

 

God bless you

[[Sl...]]

Thank you!  I'm finding I can only do about 5% a month reduction, but it is working well using mostly pills and liquid prescription V for the microtapering.  I'm seeing slow improvements in my fatigue which may make it easier to take larger reductions as I can distract myself more when I'm able to move more. 

 

May I ask what dose you are on now for V and where you started? 

 

Thanks!

[[Sl...]]

Thanks Marie.  I'm finally back on BB and catching up.  I ended up switching from 0.625K to 12.5V.  I'm now down to 10.68.  I'm microtapering daily.  I'm paying attention to my symptoms.  I tried 0.03 reductions per day, but after about 9 days, I found my sxs were too much, so i'm back at 0.02.  I have a trip to FL coming up so will stick with 0.02, but perhaps try some days with 0.03 after trip to see if I can tolerate it. 

 

How have you done your tapering?  Thanks

[[Ni...]]

Guys I cut 0.5 mg again last night and I noticed I slept great, much better than normal. No other symptoms other than feeling a bit weird in the brain.

[[Ni...]]

Feeling much more sober today, then I've ever felt since on valium only. No withdrawal symptoms. I remember a lot of things from the past I didn't remember before. I remember the time I was on ativan 3 mg a day only. I remember I cut from 3 to 2.5 mg and that same evening I was on the ground feeling so uncomfortable and weird and having the constant urge to just bend down on my knees like I was worshipping. This was a physical urge. No idea what happened but it was horrible.

[[Tr...]]

Guys I cut 0.5 mg again last night and I noticed I slept great, much better than normal. No other symptoms other than feeling a bit weird in the brain.

 

Nikitis - I notice when I cut I feel much better for a day too!

Then for me symptoms hit. But that little break is nice.

 

I’m at 4.43mg liquid - yesterday was pretty good (haven’t had a day I’d call good in a month or more). Then last night things got sideways. :/

 

Now it feels like I’m standing on a little rug on a hard floor that keeps slipping out from under my feet.

Don’t know how else to describe it. It’s my least favorite symptom.

Feels like the moment you realize you’re falling - for hours on end.

It’s better if  I close my eyes. It’s like what my eyes tell me is different than what my body feels.

I assume that’s a vestibular thing.

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Checking in how is everyone doing? I started feeling my Sunday cut to 1.25 today. Symptoms mostly anhedonia which made it a real downer day. Didn’t feel like doing anything. Hope it clears up soon. I hate to have to slow my progress down.

Hope you all are doing well

Joeb

[[Tr...]]

Hey Joeb - so you dropped 0.25mg on Sunday?

Nice! You’re moving right along. Good job 👏

Those waves of anhedonia are such a freaking drag. I’m holding out hope that interest in life in general returns when this is done. I tried to watch a movie with my kids tonight and it was just too much.

I can’t make sense of the normal world, shape shifting raccoons (anime) just baked my brain.

I’m disappointed that I have only gone down from 2.5 to 2.415 so far in Feb. I want to step it up.

 

I have a dentist appointment this week - which triggers so much anxiety for me after botched braces over the past 4 years. I’ll prob hold until then and maybe accelerate the micro taper the rest of the month. I was reading Christy Huffs article on her taper. (She’s the cardiologist) and she said her healing really began when the taper was over. https://www.benzoinfo.com/2020/04/20/one-year-off-benzodiazepines-a-doctors-journey/

I just want to get to that part so bad.

Ugh. Hang in there buddy.

Keep fighting.

Tree

 

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Hey Joeb - so you dropped 0.25mg on Sunday?

Nice! You’re moving right along. Good job 👏

Those waves of anhedonia are such a freaking drag. I’m holding out hope that interest in life in general returns when this is done. I tried to watch a movie with my kids tonight and it was just too much.

I can’t make sense of the normal world, shape shifting raccoons (anime) just baked my brain.

I’m disappointed that I have only gone down from 2.5 to 2.415 so far in Feb. I want to step it up.

 

I have a dentist appointment this week - which triggers so much anxiety for me after botched braces over the past 4 years. I’ll prob hold until then and maybe accelerate the micro taper the rest of the month. I was reading Christy Huffs article on her taper. (She’s the cardiologist) and she said her healing really began when the taper was over. https://www.benzoinfo.com/2020/04/20/one-year-off-benzodiazepines-a-doctors-journey/

I just want to get to that part so bad.

Ugh. Hang in there buddy.

Keep fighting.

Tree

Thanks Tree, I’m trying hard. Yeah I can’t watch tv or movies it’s just too hard to concentrate. I end up just zoning out back to this stuff. Sorry about your braces I bet it’s really hard going to the dentist now. I put off a lot  of things until I can be normal again. I canceled my twice a year cleaning. I realize that some things cannot be put off, so I do the best I can. Thanks for the link I had read her story, I think she’s right about true healing after the meds, Dr Ashton also says that. Sorry your taper is not going fast enough for you, but at least your dose in in the low dose range. Tapers never seem fast enough, especially when the sxs are bad. I really hate this anhedonia, makes everything feel worse sitting around. But I get the jelly legs with it too where it’s hard to stand up.

Anyway I hope your braces get fixed and you can continue your taper

Healing is around the corner, we’ll get there, I hope sooner than later

Joeb

[[In...]]

I have been doing my Valium taper for a LOOOONG time.  I think I started in 2016!  For a while, I was only able to cut 3% a month per doctors orders.  However, I am finally down to .725mg a day.  I was wondering when everyone plans to jump?  I know some people want to go as close to zero as possible.  I think Ashton is .5mg if I am remembering correctly.  I would like to go as low as I can, but I would also like to be free from this, and not have to plan my days around meds.  I am in a hurry, but don’t want to suffer either.  I’m just curious about when everyone else plans to jump.  Thanks! 🙂