An experience like no other

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

You said the perfect thing (kind and reassuring as always) - thanks!

 

Off I go 

 

If you and others could do it, so can I!

[[...]]

hii pj. how r u doing body  ?

[[Fl...]]

PJ - we are playing Notre Dame tonight. Any friendly wagers? 

Flip

[[qw...]]

WoW ThankYou - I just reached the point in my life where you started your research on benzo's. And found this wonderful forum of information and help. I am looking forward to my taper. Just trying to stabalize a consitant dose and does timing.  I must say I am already feeling better even after 4 days being on a conistancy with the dozing as I didn't realize for 3 years I have been withdrawing every other day.  I was always feeling graph and besides work I pretty much checked out of any other aspect of life.

But I had been reading a lot of the stories of people going through withdrawel it is scaring me to death.  Your story is telling me what I need to do is focus right now on all the great success stories to help give me the strength to move into the tapering phase. Because all those stories were slowly starting to make me chicken out. 

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and also for writing it so very well.  You must be an Author................

[[...]]

hii pj. how r u doing body  ?

 

Hi hoda,

 

I'm doing great, how about you?  It's good to hear from you ... I bet you will be glad when the election is over.  You folks in Ohio must be tired of all those campaign ads.

 

You take care now.

 

pj

[[...]]

PJ - we are playing Notre Dame tonight. Any friendly wagers? 

Flip

 

Wow!    You just made my day, Flip.  How are you doing?  What a sweet surprise to hear from you.

 

I love The Fighting Irish as much as you love your Sooners.  I've been waiting for this game all week, it should be a real barn burner!  I think Notre Dame will win by 10 points.  If Oklahoma ends up winning the game, I will start a new topic in the Off Topic section.  You'd better hope the Irish win , because you never know what I will come up with in Off Topic..

 

Enjoy the game ... I will be thinking of you every time Golson throw a TD.  If he can't get it done, there's Tommy Rees.

 

Take care, neat lady.

 

pj

[[...]]

Flip,

 

The Oklahoma Sooners and YOU are OK in my book   Maybe you will come on top when they meet again.

[[...]]

WoW ThankYou - I just reached the point in my life where you started your research on benzo's. And found this wonderful forum of information and help. I am looking forward to my taper. Just trying to stabalize a consitant dose and does timing.  I must say I am already feeling better even after 4 days being on a conistancy with the dozing as I didn't realize for 3 years I have been withdrawing every other day.  I was always feeling graph and besides work I pretty much checked out of any other aspect of life.

But I had been reading a lot of the stories of people going through withdrawel it is scaring me to death.  Your story is telling me what I need to do is focus right now on all the great success stories to help give me the strength to move into the tapering phase. Because all those stories were slowly starting to make me chicken out. 

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and also for writing it so very well.  You must be an Author................

 

Hi qwerty,

 

It's nice to meet you; I am really happy for you that you found BenzoBuddies.  As you have discovered, it is a very unique site with so many kind people who are willing to help each other.  I'm glad you are feeling better.  Having withdrawals every other day for three years had to be maddening ... very confusing, and very discouraging for you. 

 

You are going to do just great when you begin tapering, and you will be so happy, and proud of yourself when you become benzo free.  Every day won't be a 'walk in the park', but doing something worth while never is.  If you get discouraged, and start to lose hope, come back and read some more success stories; that's what I would do ... over and over again ... and it really helped me cope.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  Take good care of yourself, and always remember that you are a very unique, and special person. 

 

pj   

 

 

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Aww.  :'( I was all confident yesterday, PJ. After a humiliating loss, I feel humbled.    what a guy! You didn't even rub it in.    When the teams meet up in another 40 years, I hope we are still alive to have a conversation about it. 

 

PJ, did you notice I finished my taper? One week ago.  You'll recall I went at a snails pace. 22 months in all. So far, I'm doing surprisingly well.  I was braced for the very worst and I've been just fine. I realize it's early and things might still get dicey, but so far this is no worse than the easiest cut.

 

Your raps helped me get through some dark days and I thank you!

Flip

[[ma...]]

 

Your raps helped me get through some dark days and I thank you!

 

 

 

Oh Yes Flip!!! you just brought back great memories on the party thread got me through some dark days too,it seem like years ago :'(

 

No one raps like PJ....http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums/aa351/margarita1959/rapper-smiley-emoticon.gif He is DA MAN.

[[Fl...]]

He IS da man, for sure, Margo! 

 

Hope your are having a lovely Sunday morning, my friend! 

[[tu...]]

PJ:  What did your healing look like at the end?  How were you able to recognize that you were better?  100% better (versus 80, 90% better).  Was it SLOW and extremely subtle with waves hitting along the way?  Or, did you just WHAM hit a corner and felt like the old you again?

 

Just curious.  I know it is different for everyone, but I find comfort in all these details.

 

p.s. Went and had my immunizations/blood test/drug test etc for the volunteer position on Friday and I feel fine other than a couple of sore shoulders.  I was ridiculously nervous about the whole thing (will be so glad when I am not so easy triggered by anxiety).  I am glad I didn't let my fears get the better of me.  It felt like an accomplishment just to get through that "hoop".  I bawled my eyes out Friday night to my sweet husband.  Partly out of relief and partly out of frustration that something so mundane could be so challenging both physically/emotionally.  It gets old dealing with this yuckiness for so many months.  I am tired.  I do some training this week and then start the following week.  Baby steps right?  Just gotta keep doing everything I can everyday to find my way back to myself.  Eventually it won't be so hard, right?

 

Thanks & hope you are enjoying a wonderful weekend,

TG

[[...]]

Aww.  :'( I was all confident yesterday, PJ. After a humiliating loss, I feel humbled.    what a guy! You didn't even rub it in.    When the teams meet up in another 40 years, I hope we are still alive to have a conversation about it. 

 

PJ, did you notice I finished my taper? One week ago.  You'll recall I went at a snails pace. 22 months in all. So far, I'm doing surprisingly well.  I was braced for the very worst and I've been just fine. I realize it's early and things might still get dicey, but so far this is no worse than the easiest cut.

 

Your raps helped me get through some dark days and I thank you!

Flip

 

Congratulations on finishing your taper, Flip.   It was a long, winding road that you traveled down to reach your destination, but you did ... with so much grace, and always a kind word, and a smile for those you met along the way.

 

The party thread; what can I say?  It was so much fun, and I think it helped with our recovery, because for awhile, when we were laughing so hard;  we didn't think about our yesterdays or our tomorrows, we were just living in the moment and savoring it.

 

I had better sign off now, before I start to ramble, and write a long dissertation about friendship, and all the wonderful folks we encounter in our lives, who we will always remember, because of how they have enriched us.  I could go on, and on about all the folks who have ever been associated with BenzoBuddies.  A kinder, more compassionate group of folks as there ever was.  It is almost like anyone who has taken a Benzo, has within them, a special gene that endows them with a unique ability to unselfishly want to help those who are hurting, and are in dire need of understanding, and encouragement from people who really do care. 

 

As always, I wish you the best.

 

Margo, you are one of the kindest, most loving, and sweetest person I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

 

pj

[[...]]

pj, oh man icant wait they killing us with this ads , anyway iam doing good past month just stress from bussiness and some anxieties other than that good

[[...]]

PJ:  What did your healing look like at the end?  How were you able to recognize that you were better?  100% better (versus 80, 90% better).  Was it SLOW and extremely subtle with waves hitting along the way?  Or, did you just WHAM hit a corner and felt like the old you again?

 

Just curious.  I know it is different for everyone, but I find comfort in all these details.

 

p.s. Went and had my immunizations/blood test/drug test etc for the volunteer position on Friday and I feel fine other than a couple of sore shoulders.  I was ridiculously nervous about the whole thing (will be so glad when I am not so easy triggered by anxiety).  I am glad I didn't let my fears get the better of me.  It felt like an accomplishment just to get through that "hoop".  I bawled my eyes out Friday night to my sweet husband.  Partly out of relief and partly out of frustration that something so mundane could be so challenging both physically/emotionally.  It gets old dealing with this yuckiness for so many months.  I am tired.  I do some training this week and then start the following week.  Baby steps right?  Just gotta keep doing everything I can everyday to find my way back to myself.  Eventually it won't be so hard, right?

 

Thanks & hope you are enjoying a wonderful weekend,

TG

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

When it comes to Benzodiazepines or Z drugs, such as Ambien, we may as well throw the word 'normal' out the back door, along with the dish water, because the way I was or anyone else was or the way you were ... at six months, eight months or for some folks, a year or longer ... is as different as the sun and the moon.  We all heal at our own pace, and sadly there is no way to hurry up the process.  The formula for healing is lots patience, and lots of time.   

 

I don't think any of us wake up one day, and 'poof'' ... we are magically healed.  It happens in subtle stages.  One day we may notice that our anxiety is less or that one of our other symptoms has been gone for awhile, and has not returned.  One by one, the symptoms leave, and we begin to feel pretty good, and then ...  to use your word, 'WHAM' ... one day, we do feel like our old self again.  This is how it went for me anyway.

 

Baby steps ... will lead to giant steps ... and those giant steps will lead you to where reaching your goals are no longer so hard, because it does get easier, and you can say, "hello" to confidence, and "good bye" to anxiety. 

 

If you have ever observed a mother bird give her baby birds a gentle nudge from the comfort, and security of their nest ... you may have also noticed that some of them chirped and squacked, and squeeked louder than usual, because they feared the unknown.  But mother bird, undeterred, gave them a shove, and out they went, their wings flapping uncontrollably, and their confidence not yet what it should be.  After a few more take offs and landings, their confidence soared, their anxiety diminished, and they learned what it meant to be free ... sometimes,  we as humans, need a gentle nudge to free ourselves from all the encumbrances that hold us back, and bind us to the idea that we won't succeed... keeping us from being free to be all that we can be.

 

I'm proud of you in the way that you worked through your nervousness, and were not deterred from doing what you made up your mind to do.  Each step will bring you that much closer to finding the way back to yourself.

 

Thank you, my weekend is going great. I hope that yours is as well.  You will be an excellent volunteer.  The people that you will be helping at the hospital, are most likely struggling with all kinds of raw emotions.  Your kind smile, and your desire to help, will mean so much to them.

 

pj

[[...]]

pj, oh man icant wait they killing us with this ads , anyway iam doing good past month just stress from bussiness and some anxieties other than that good

 

Can you believe it, hoda ... there has been a billion dollars spent on campaign ads across the country.  They keep saying that who ever wins Ohio will win the election.  I think there will be a real sigh of relief heard throughout the country when the elections are over.  We can only take so much BS from the politicians.  I'm glad you are doing better. 

[[sa...]]

Hi PJ

Still lurking.  Your thread gives me so much hope and comfort.  You are such a generous and humble soul. 

 

Now down to business.  Is this party thread still alive or can it be accessed in the archives?  I would love to read your raps!

[[Fl...]]

Hey, Sarafina,

 

Here is the party thread. PJ was in and out with his raps. They were wonderful. Maybe he will do another one? 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=47708.1490

[[sa...]]

Thank you!

[[re...]]

Hi PJ -

 

I was just reading through your reply to Turtle.  What do you suppose it is about people who heal from Benzo withdrawal and having a way of describing this process so well?  It never fails, when I'm feeling down and hopeless, I come here or I read Bliss Johns' book and it gives me renewed hope.  I've read quite a few of the success stories on this forum, and everyone has their own way of writing, but I have found that they all do so much to lift me out of dark places.  It's so awesome. 

 

I have been struggling with impatience and having a hard time accepting my symptoms the last couple of days.  The dp/dr has proven to be the one that I have the most trouble accepting, and I can't put a finger on why.  And also, I've been over-analyzing my taper rate I think.  It's like I want perfect security in that I am tapering at the "perfect" rate.  I have to tell myself that 5% reductions are safe, and when it's all said and done, it will have taken me about 6 months to taper off of this Z drug.  My hope is that's an adequate taper time for 6 weeks use.  Anyhow, I don't wanna clog you up here.  I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience, strength, and hope.  Hope all is well with you, and thanks again for all of your time. 

 

 

Redeemed

[[tu...]]

PJ:

Thanks for the wise & kind words. I have gotten nervous lately as I approach 9 months off & continue to get closer to a year off. I worry that I won't get better. That I am broken & will forever have to muddle through my life with all this yuckiness.  Deep down I believe in my healing, believe all the kind souls who reassure me. But, on tough days I get scared & question everything. It is just hard sometimes to pretty much just have friends and folks from the Internet as your only source of validation. It would be so much easier if my doctor had diagnosed this. But, like we all know, that is not available. This experience is truly a test of faith & patience on so many levels.

 

Truly I am hopeful. I am just tired. I know deep down I will be writing my success story one day. And, like you, I hope it gives comfort to someone who is just starting this difficult journey. A light to guide them safely through the storm. 

 

Thanks so much for being a friend to me and so many of us here. It is so reassuring. Thanks for providing your experience and support to all of us.

[[...]]

Hi PJ

Still lurking.  Your thread gives me so much hope and comfort.  You are such a generous and humble soul. 

 

Now down to business.  Is this party thread still alive or can it be accessed in the archives?  I would love to read your raps!

 

Hi sarafina,

 

You are my favorite lurker.  You're so kind, and you always have such nice things to say to me, thank you.

 

Ya, that party thread was so darn funny!  Flip, and the others folks on there had me laughing so hard, that for awhile, I forgot that I was steeped in withdrawals.

 

May happiness be your constant companion.

 

pj

[[...]]

Hi PJ -

 

I was just reading through your reply to Turtle.  What do you suppose it is about people who heal from Benzo withdrawal and having a way of describing this process so well?  It never fails, when I'm feeling down and hopeless, I come here or I read Bliss Johns' book and it gives me renewed hope.  I've read quite a few of the success stories on this forum, and everyone has their own way of writing, but I have found that they all do so much to lift me out of dark places.  It's so awesome. 

 

I have been struggling with impatience and having a hard time accepting my symptoms the last couple of days.  The dp/dr has proven to be the one that I have the most trouble accepting, and I can't put a finger on why.  And also, I've been over-analyzing my taper rate I think.  It's like I want perfect security in that I am tapering at the "perfect" rate.  I have to tell myself that 5% reductions are safe, and when it's all said and done, it will have taken me about 6 months to taper off of this Z drug.  My hope is that's an adequate taper time for 6 weeks use.  Anyhow, I don't wanna clog you up here.  I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience, strength, and hope.  Hope all is well with you, and thanks again for all of your time. 

 

 

Redeemed

 

Hi Redeemed,

 

I truly believe that when we are healed, we become more compassionate, and more understanding of the human condition, and all it's frailities.  I think we understand, more so then we ever did  before, that, indeed, no man is an island, and we need one another, and depend on each other more than we sometimes realize. 

 

Dp/Dr are  so hard to deal with because if we have to ask ourselves, day after day "who is the real me" and we cannot make a connection to the people, places or things in our world because life seems like it is a dream, and nothing is real ... that can really mess with our mind .  I had many days when I felt disconnected from everything around me, but it all went away, just like the physical symptoms did.  You must keep reminding yourself that if you did not have any of the symptoms that are affecting you now, before you ever took a benzo or a z drug, you will definitely completely heal.

 

There is no perfect rate at which to taper, but you seem do be doing okay the way you are doing it.  There is no perfect security as to how or when your withdrawals will be gone or how much pain, physical or mental, you will have.  It's just the insidious nature of the drug.  I found what worked for me, was to try to live, as best as I could, the way I did before I ever knew what a Benzo or a Z drug was.  I think by doing this, we can make a more seamless transition to our former life, and quickly become our old self again, once we are healed.

 

Also try to be patient, and try not to dwell on your symptoms, not easy, I know, but like I have often said, time is what heals us, so we might as well be patient, and find things to do to occupy us, and take our mind off withdrawals.  You are healing every day, no matter how bad you are feeling 

 

Thank you for your kind words, Redeemed.  I'm really humbled, and appreciative of you and others who have visited this thread, and relayed to me that they have been given hope, that they, too, will completely heal.  One day in the near future, YOU will be healed, and YOU will be telling folks about your experience, and encouraging them that they, too will heal ... just like you did.

 

pj     

 

 

[[...]]

PJ:

Thanks for the wise & kind words. I have gotten nervous lately as I approach 9 months off & continue to get closer to a year off. I worry that I won't get better. That I am broken & will forever have to muddle through my life with all this yuckiness.  Deep down I believe in my healing, believe all the kind souls who reassure me. But, on tough days I get scared & question everything. It is just hard sometimes to pretty much just have friends and folks from the Internet as your only source of validation. It would be so much easier if my doctor had diagnosed this. But, like we all know, that is not available. This experience is truly a test of faith & patience on so many levels.

 

Truly I am hopeful. I am just tired. I know deep down I will be writing my success story one day. And, like you, I hope it gives comfort to someone who is just starting this difficult journey. A light to guide them safely through the storm. 

 

Thanks so much for being a friend to me and so many of us here. It is so reassuring. Thanks for providing your experience and support to all of us.

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

How I wish I could convince you that everything is going to be okay, and that you have a bright, and happy future ahead of you.  Nine months may seem like an eternity when you are dealing with withdrawals, but in reality, where Z drugs, and benzos are concerned, it is not.  It took me fifteen months to heal from my c/t off of Ambien, and Ativan. 

 

Remember, it is the Ambien, that tiny, powerful pill, that gives us anxiety, takes away our sleep, turns our body into a Frankenstein concocted torture chamber, and our mind into a maze of jumbled intrusive thoughts.  Remember, it is the Ambien convincing you that you will never heal, and that you will be saddled with self-doubt, and fear forever.  When the residual effects of the Ambien are gone, so will all those thoughts.  It just takes such a long time, and of course, you can become discouraged.   

 

Sometimes what helps, is to get a sheet of paper, and write down all that is good in our life, followed by all that is not so good in our life.  More often, than not, we will find that the positive things in our life, by far, outweighs the negatives.

 

I am proud to be your friend.  I will be so pleased when one day, you come back here, and announce to the world that you, turtlegirl are completely healed, and life is grand, even better then you could have ever imagined that it would be. 

 

Now, I want you to go and look in the mirror, and say to yourself:  "Turtlegirl, you are going to be okay."  Remember, mirrors do not lie.

 

pj

[[re...]]

PJ -

 

Thanks so much for responding and for your kind words.  For sure, that's what dp/dr makes me feel like; disconnected in a foreign dream-like world.  It's the most bizarre thing, but I'm going to just do my best to cope with it because I definitely know I never experienced this symptom prior to taking Lunesta.  And, you, along with Bliss Johns and many others, have said that even this symptom fades in time.  How I long for that day. 

 

I have always had control issues, ever since I was a young kid.  And now, through this withdrawal, I'm finding that I have to try and let go throughout this process or I will just make it even harder for myself.  It's so hard to just let go and trust that everything will be ok.  I am encouraged because you are the 3rd person who has suggested to me to just try and live life as normally as I can, and try to just not dwell on the symptoms.  One of the other people who told me that was my therapist and dear friend.  He said that I can take control of my recovery by not trying to control it, kind of like what you just said.  Sage advice, indeed.  Just hard to put into practice.  However, I have nothing but time to try. 

 

I hope all is well with you, my friend.  Thanks SO much for giving me hope that all will be well someday. 

 

 

Redeemed