Listen to me- We are ALL going to make it.

[[ho...]]

Good Morning Parker,

Thank you for this inspiring update to your life-saving "Listen to me" post.  It is one that I read, read and re-read many times. 

I am so very happy that you are doing so well.  Congratulations on your progress.

You've been a wonderful inspiration to me during my journey through this recovery and I thank you!

XOX

 

[Guest [Ob...]]

Thank you. I think this post should be made into a permanent stickie. It is an inspiration to read, especially on those rough days. Sending you a big sister hug.  Obsid.

[Guest [lo...]]

beautiful post Parker. Thank you.

[[sp...]]

Thank you Parker.

 

You made an ugly day better.

 

Stay well,

 

spartacus

[[he...]]

  Just re-read this again....and soooooo true.  I am healing by leaps and bounds now....Hello life keep it coming !!!!!  :)

[[os...]]

  Just re-read this again....and soooooo true.  I am healing by leaps and bounds now....Hello life keep it coming !!!!!  :)

 

Great to hear... 

[[he...]]

  Thank you Oscar.....How has life been with you today? sending you healing thoughts...     Jude

[[Su...]]

Bliss johns book is really expensive. Ive just seen one on amazon for £500!?? the lowest was £16.88. 

I bought "Recovery and Renewal" by Bliss Johns for about US $30. It has been helpful. Hope this helps 

[[Su...]]

Thank you, Parker, for writing yet another inspiring post!!!!!

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

I'm going to sort out an orientation notebook today!!!!

You are an angel :angel:

[[or...]]

Thank you Parker. I have to believe this!!!!

[[gi...]]

Thanks parker.Tonight recovery was feeling impossible again. The proof is in the recovery stories.

[[Ke...]]

Thank you, Parker. You are an angel to all of us and your words are so powerful.

 

Thank you.

 

[[Ma...]]

 

HI Parker,

 

I copied your list of supplements and gave them to my doc.  He has also suggested pretty much the same things to me, and I showed him and told him you were cold turkey and observed yourself.  He was glad to read it and he agrees with everything you said

 

I was wondering, how are you now?  What has disappeared and what is still hanging around?

 

Hugs

[[vi...]]

[[No...]]

God bless you Parker......

 

Thank you!

 

Sandra.

[[ho...]]

I needed this! Thank you so much.

Hopeful Girl

[[Mo...]]

thank you

[[sn...]]

Hi Parker. Thanks for taking the time to help so many here.

I just noticed...Wheres Bert and Ernie? I always loved that avatar.

 

snoball

[[ca...]]

I needed to read this.

EVERYONE HEALS.

As soon as you get off the Benzo's, The healing starts taking place..Hard to accept when you are in the thick of it, but true story.

We will all heal.

 

Thank you Parker for posting these words of wisdom...Every time I read something you have posted, I am encouraged.

I am glad I came along after you Parker, because I have benefited from your postings more than you can possibly know.

I am healing, I am healing, I am healing.

One day I will be healed.

Maybe tonight it will stick in my broken brain.

 

Much love and healing to you all 

Causing

[[Co...]]

parker,

 

Thank you for this. I am in a bad place tonight. Sick and beaten down.Crazy from the misery. I still have hope.

[[Fo...]]

Hey Guys- Thank you all for your kind words. I don't often comment on them but I do see them and it does mean a lot that you are supportive. Thanks for sharing and being so kind.

 

:)Parker

 

Oh- and I'm working on changing that avatar back, snobal. 

 

Your writing has been a huge help for me in the middle of despair, thank you more!

[[sn...]]

Hey Guys- Thank you all for your kind words. I don't often comment on them but I do see them and it does mean a lot that you are supportive. Thanks for sharing and being so kind.

 

:)Parker

 

Oh- and I'm working on changing that avatar back, snobal. 

[[St...]]

I thought I would come back here today and "repost" this main post that I started nearly 18 months ago, when I was only about 6 months off benzos.

 

I "remember" writing this post - I remember being in such turmoil brain-wise - feeling this incredible number of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms -but "knowing" that I was the same person inside - going through a brain injury and waiting to heal.

 

By about this time, I had seen SOME subtle signs of healing - mostly the decrease in ONLY a few physical things. (And things felt worse after this for a little while - until I could finally start to "perceive" some healing - and that was still several months away from when I wrote this at 6 months off.)

 

In recovery - what we ALL want to know and are reaching for is the answer to the question "Do we really heal? Do we really improve?"  I can say - yes- absolutely. 

 

Since I wrote this 18 months ago, I have had SO many symptoms leave.  Each time one leaves for good - it becomes another testament to the fact that THIS IS RECOVERY. 

 

I had SO many physical, mental, and emotional symptoms.  I was very unsure of myself and came here a lot to write other buddies who were at my stage off then. I had a few people that I felt saved me with their promise of hope.  It made all the difference. The things they told me that happened to them while they healed - made me think - that will happen to me!  And it has.  Mind you - it hasn't been on the EXACT time schedule as their recovery of course, but it DID happen - it DID unfold.  And as I near 23 months off, the changes are rapidly bringing me back to NORMAL. 

 

Sometimes - even when we aren't sure - we have to speak logic to ourselves and go on others' hope. This post I wrote last March was all about that. 

 

Since this time, I have seen all these things go: internal vibrations, tight band around the head, extreme morning cortisol waking up at 4am, crying for 3 hours in the morning just to bring my brain into balance, crying for 1 hour in the morning several months later (now there is NO crying! . I wake up when the alarm goes off and I sleep until then and often sleep in on Saturdays.   Gone are the nightmares, the fear, the terror, the anxiety. Gone is the depression.  The sadness. The fatigue is gone most of the time - and when it DOES hit - it's simply a sign to sleep or nap - and I CAN - versus last year when napping was impossible.  Yes - I get tired at times, but I can take a nap and be okay. Gone are the intense menstrual cycle shifts that caused me to stay in bed at ovulation with psychosis when estrogen made glutamate run amok.  Gone are the PMS waves. Gone is the akathisia - the awful pins and needles. Gone is the burning skin.  Gone are the awful headaches.  The psychosis that made me feel like I was in another time period or made me relive full day-long memories in my life - those are gone. Those things made me feel CRAZY - and when I had that plus extreme depression, fear,  and physical pain - I couldn't do anything but lay in the bed and chant prayers while I "let it pass over me".

 

My brain HEALED from all of this and more - and is continuing to.  I think judging from many buddies here - my symptoms were very extreme.  So - it does not surprise me that I'm not  "completely recovered" yet.  Each time I experience and improvement, I realize how difficult I had it - and how much I had to "come back from". And yet - I am. 

 

The things that have stayed gone - are truly gone.  My gut feeling is that the upregulation of glutamate is what is taking longer to correct.  It seems that as EACH month goes by now, there is a reduction of some symptom that was related to "too much glutamate" that had upregulated since the neuroadaptation to the presence of benzos.  It seems as if it takes a long time for glutamate receptors to adequately downregulate to allow the body to come back to balance.  But that - over time - this truly does occur.

 

Also - I think at some point, even if full healing hasn't occurred - "enough" healing occurs for the brain to begin to produce serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine again.  And even if you have some things left - MUCH is going "well" as you heal - and you can tell. That time frame is 100% unique to every person - but it's still the trajectory. The pattern here is that we are in restoration mode and will continue to be until we are healed.

 

The best things I could have done for myself were to be on here- to write - to formulate logic to help me through - to stay as positive as possible- where possible - even if on the surface with my speech and writing -  to encourage others and be encouraged by others - and to do healthy things.  Walk outside.  Purposefully get sunshine on my skin as much as possible without burning. Drink water.  Resolve to find ways to eat healthy (an entirely new way of eating began for me in recovery!) - and last but maybe most importantly - for me at least - was to research natural ways to counteract excess glutamate from dietary changes - and in my case, supplement additions.  I did weeks of research - probably months of research - time-wise - while healing.  I've always felt that while "time" is the great healer - there are things *I* can do to give my body the best resources with which to synthesis neurochemicals. Professor Ashton said something about recovery being a huge metabolic undertaking.  I found this to be true - One in which the body absolutely needs the BEST you can give it - much like a pregnant woman growing a fetus.  I made it my *job* to eat, sleep, walk, get in the sun, take Epsom baths, and read up on certain diet/supplements that might help. 

 

Whatever we take from this - remember that right now -our biggest job is to simply recover. And we are.  I think that for many of us - at least those on the forum -which may represent only 10% of all benzo users (who knows?) - for many of us- healing is a long process.  But let us emphasize that it IS a process . Meaning - it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  The way that unfolds may be months or years - but it's important to always emphasize the healing that we are noticing - and to be VERY PROUD of the body we live in - to comfort it and encourage it - and to congratulate it as it "gets it right".  As hokey as all that might sound, it's really not.    We are not at war with ourselves.  We are not at war with the drug either. We are simply in recovery. We must allow ourselves the comfort that we would if we were recovering from anything else.  It takes longer - and we are often in a hugely fluctuating mental state -so that is a real challenge. But as much as possible, we need to write ourselves letters and post encouraging things on our bathroom walls- and FEED our brain logic through things that we read.

 

I know that when I worked with brain injury patients, one thing we did as soon as someone was alert enough to function after awakening from a coma - was to make them an "orientation notebook". Often times, these patients couldn't remember their family members, their name, they didn't know where they were or what happened to them. They didn't know what year it was or who the president was.  And often, they forgot this information every day they woke up.  As a therapist - we made a notebook with photos and basic things that they could read everyday - as part of therapy.

 

"My name is Parker.  My family is Charles, Sue, and Tracy.  It is 2013. I was in a car accident.  I am in Orlando Regional Hospital.  I am healing.  This is normal. I am going to get better. Today I have speech therapy and physical therapy.  Today my mom visits me at 2:00.  My goals are remembering my family, practicing chewing, and practicing taking 10 steps to the doorway."

 

You know, guys?  I have seen people from this level of trauma recover and give advocacy speeches on brain injury years later.  I could show you some of my patients on youtube that I knew when they were in coma and woke up in severe brain agitation - and later recovered.  But I don't underestimate the power of simple things like the "orientation notebook" we made for patients - to really help "reprogram" the scared, worried brain - and to tell it what it needed to know - THAT IT'S OKAY.  HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO READ AND BELIEVE.  HERE IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.  IT'S NORMAL. IT IS GOING AWAY. AND HERE ARE YOUR GOALS JUST FOR TODAY.

 

 

I think - in a weird way - the things I studied in school and the experiences I had in brain injury - helped me to "intuit" that if THOSE people can recover from all that -I can recover. But I wrote myself "manifestos" and put them on my bathroom wall. I "fed" my brain logic.  I had - literally - wallpapered the area near the toilet - with positive messages. I printed out success stories from this forum and taped them up.  I would sit on the toilet several times a day and read these.  It helps. It helps the GENUINE worry that we have in this. It allows the brain to get busy just healing - and not to add any worry to the process.  It keeps us sane while we are recovering. 

 

A few months ago, I was doing so well, I didn't need these things anymore. I took them off the wall, folded them gently, and put them in a special wooden box.  I am recovering. I wake up now without needing the memory of it.  I FEEL it . I dont' wave out most of the time.  I don't "identify" anymore with that place in recovery. I have healed beyond it.  But I am proud of this body - it has accomplished a LOT in the last 22 months.  And yours is, too. 

 

I have stopped fully anticipating the "when" as to full recovery. I used to do that. Now - I am "excited" when I wake up - to see the "what" of  TODAY'S recovery.  Every day that I wake up without severe morning anxiety and crying is a day I realize - "I"M GETING BETTER!" The days and weeks and months pass quickly now. It's easy not to get caught up in whether I am "22 or 26" months - because I'm not suffering - and the time will just pass. 

 

At a point in recovery - I find that I am experiencing an improved baseline more and more - and the waves will knock me back a few hours, but they won't last as long. I'll "come out of one" faster and I will just respect that whatever caused the wave, that was what my body needed to restore function. I take it a lot more in stride now.  I'm just so thankful to be "here".

 

I'm not fully healed, but I'm like a person who has experienced a severe trauma to the leg that caused him to lose the ability to walk. The trauma itself is still visible- it's still not healed. It still smarts some - but it no longer keeps me from walking. I'm not even limping. I'm really walking - but I just have to be cautious to take care of that leg as it continues to fully heal.  And I have to respect that there are still some limits - and that my body needs to rest when it requires rest.  etc.

 

We are going to get there.  If you take away anything from this - I want you to take away HOPE. 

Beyond that, if we can stay ORIENTED TO RECOVERY - this is the *smartest*  thing we can do.  Read, write, post, and post things where your brain can read it.

 

Remember when you though you would take NOTHING for granted after this?  Well - remember that some people lose the ability to read in a brain injury! They must relearn it all over again. We have NOT lost that. We HAVE that.  So -USE that ability to read things that are hopeful - that "program" the brain to KNOW that this is normal and a part of recovery. Post things around your toilet to read while you are using the bathroom. ORIENT ORIENT ORIENT.  The words we use control our thoughts and those thoughts have big power. We can condition ourselves to helpful concepts.

 

I had this original thread's post on my wall from the day I wrote it. I had this post as well as many other positive, hopeful things from the forum printed and taped to the wall.  I read these things maybe hundreds of times.  They helped me to stay in the now.

These things were my "orientation notebook".

 

Celebrate recovery in every sense of the word.  Write and share and be proud of each thing your body does RIGHT in the moment it does it.  Encourage it with pride and admiration.  We are doing a lot of healing work. And our bodies are divinely gifted with knowing how to heal.

 

Love you all,

Parker

 

Parker your words are going to help people for as long as this forum exsists and then on, infinity.

 

I don't know how I missed this post but I found it now.  I love your positive attitude, your words breathe life back into people.  Today I am 2 years and 4 months out of my c/t.  I am in a wave, but must must keep the eye on how far I have come and that I will continue on.

 

I thought this thread needed bumping - I'm sure I'm not the only one that missed this and needed to read it. 

 

Thank you for being you and sharing all that you do.

hugs,

Sally   

[[fl...]]

Thank you very much.Iam 16 months free and I need hope today.Iam suffering today.Every day I do my best but sometimes I think that this hell will never end.

flavio

[[Hy...]]

Dear Parker,

 

There are times of total despair when I am totally discouraged and have lost all hopes of recovery. This forum helps me tide over those times.

 

There are days I feel absolutely wretched and wish it all to end and hope has died altogether. It is during these days that this forum rescues me and peps me up to face another day.

 

I am sure that I am going to make it soon, to be free and free to fly benzo free.

 

Thank you my benzo buddies, my spouse, my family, who all understand my agony and are with me all the time.

 

Thank you my faithful assistants in my profession, who don't know my dark secrets but take that extra load off my back without questions and help me keep up with my deadlines.

 

Thanks everyone, I'm totally indebted to you and shall remain so for all times to come.

 

What a vain creature I had been to get hooked onto this poison without realising what I was getting into.

 

Hyundai