Listen to me- We are ALL going to make it.

[[Ru...]]

Thanks so much for your pep talk and comforting words Parker (even if they were written a year ago!!!).

 

In acute wd I was bedridden for well over 18 months living alone!!! and had well over 120 horrific unimaginable symptoms from being given the wrong crossover dose by the Doc (grrr!!!!).  Nowdays ALOT of the PHYSICAL stuff has healed (at about 2+ yrs off) bar seeming perm damage to my voice nowdays still though (Dysarthria) and a few random twitches & spasms, but the remaining mental & emotional crap I have left is still BEYOND hard as hell to deal with day in & day out.  I am still SEVERELY blunted emotionally & feel like I have a big rock still inside me (just awful). Man do I wish I could swap this for some of the physical crap (not really, but you know what I'm saying).  My mind & heart just feels totally mixed up in a blender/bent outta shape to the point where ya just dont know which way is up with VERY LITTLE confidence anymore.......after this long I am MORE than worn out too.  This is an UNIMAGINABLE & enduring battle.  I sure hope and pray to be part of that 5,000 one day like soon!!!!!! I am SO beyond discouraged after this long, I honestly feel broken in spirit & worn out from such a long extreme & intense battle........& I SO miss me and my compassionate heart & clever brain & wisdom too.........ANY words of comfort, reassurance or whatever would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.  I am nearing my 3 yr off mark nowdays, argh.....Anyway, thanks for your pep talk......Sincerely, Rucoco xoxoxo

[[pr...]]

Rucoco,

 

i just wanted to say that i got so much out of your post! i'm so sorry you are still dealing with those horrific mental, emotional sxs. but glad that most of your physical sxs have healed. i am truly worried about myself. i feel so different then anyone on here--i know i'm not but i feel it. because i was diagnosed with MS. even though i am so not sure i have that and this all could be benzo related. i have horrible squeezing, crushing, burning pain in my knees, lower legs and feet. everywhere really.

 

i suffered through a horrific cold turkey and i am still bed-ridden at 10 months! i literally have not been able to get up for nothing! i've had to cancel one appointment after another. i won't make appt.s anymore until  am better. but i am still tremoring and vibrating as if it's my first 2 weeks! what is up with that? and i cannot lift my right shoulder for over 2 months now and the pain is so horrible i can't get up to go to a doctor and i don't like it when people tell me to go to a doctor for anything. i went to five doctor's the first week i was back from detox. and they all looked at me like i was crazy

 

sorry for this long note and i should have PM you but i did get a lot out of your post. rooting for you to be totally healed and many windows very soon!

blessings ~ pretty

[[Ru...]]

Hey back Prettydaiseys,

 

Well, if I VALIDATED where you are at somewhat at this stage then thats good. I quite OFTEN need that just for my own sanity/comfort too, even nowdays!!!  To be suffering this far out is still very upsetting & wearying I can tell you, but to me that just goes to show what a shock/severe damage happened to my brain/body/everything.

 

Yep I was bedridden for well over 18 months (in a house all by myself!!!, unable to walk straight or even stand in the shower & couldnt drive, cook or ANYTHING - I can now but it is STILL only short distance & I still sometimes cry/get too overwhelmed).  I was totally incapacitated, couldnt even cook for myself.  Mostly all I could do was just sleep, almost 24/7 and fight all the mental/emotional and physical stuff and SLEEP some more & try to distract myself/fill in time (online movies have been a Godsend).  I was told at the time our body heals when we are sleeping and thats all I could do at the time anyway. In my attempts to find encouragement & comfort, all I could find was disturbing but very truthful stories of horror instead.  Nobody will ever be able to make sense out of benzo wd, cos there are SO many variables and truly, "the only way out is through".  Geez I WISH I had more comforting reassurance than that, but thats what I've found...

 

I am NO Doc but I learnt early on in wd that Benzo WD MIMICS just about every known "disorder" out there....(hence why it is so confused/so misunderstood or misdiagnosed).  My own Natural Doc at the time thought I had a "Breathing Disorder" or "Parkinsons" when I had the violent & uncontrollable head tremors (cant remember what the Neurologist called it now) & all over body shakes, (even though I gave him the Ashton Manual - eventually) so, what I'm saying is their diagnosis are often only BEST GUESS sometimes (geez I wld HATE to be a Doc!!! SO confusing).  Further I would say that if you DIDNT have anything wrong BEFORE benzos, then yep it is MORE THAN LIKELY related to the wd!!! ESPECIALLY if you CT.  The best thing you can do is educate yourself via Ashton & here on this site on what is "normal" for benzo wd and look after yourself like you have NEVER looked after yourself before (i.e. super well).

 

So I hope that comforts you somewhat.  If you see it that our "master control" of your body & everything (your brain) has been tampered with & upset very badly, that moderates EVERY system & process in your body that you didnt even know existed (I sure didnt until it all went haywire!!!), then that explains ALOT of the symptoms presenting themselves really.  I made sure I educated MYSELF about it as much as possible. The Central Nervous System is also just that - CENTRAL (to everything) and it controls & keeps everything BALANCED & in harmony.

 

I know how totally annoying and aggravating/angering/frustrating it is that people may not believe you, but if you read other's people's stories that is pretty much what they found too.  (Me too-young Neurologist wanted to refer me to Mental Health-grrr). I was like how & WHY wld I want to make these symptoms up mate??? Ask ANYONE who knew me before and they will tell you I NEVER had this before.  Honestly....so that just goes to show they dont know everything at all & very typical that if they dont understand it they think it is you (hurtful & frustrating I know!!!)  It is quite honestly disgusting to be THAT sick & not have Docs know/understand what is wrong, nor  what to DO.  There needs to be WAY MORE education on what these things do to people (in the long term) that is ACCURATE & TRUTHFUL (instead of their current training that it is out of your system within so many hours-huh!!!).  Even our own supposed "experts" on benzos here told me SEVERAL times when I reached out to them in desperation "it is unlikely what you are experiencing is protracted wd" & wanted to refer me to a counsellor or back to my Doc instead.  I searched & searched & searched for support & wise guidance/advice for years & the truth is...they simply do NOT know/understand it fully & I know that leaves you, me & everyone else up here up sh** creek.  Argh, So there we go even the "experts" dont know as much about it as you think they would or should!!! Shocking I know.  At least NOW I know that I will NEVER go down the "conventional road" again.  For me it will be natural all the way, if possible.  Sometimes I get SO TEMPTED to just take another pill for the consequent depression/discouragement I have now but....then I go what the hell that will set you back & screw you up more cos you are still in a very fragile health position.

 

Thanks for your well wishes.  I honestly feel like I have gone through SEVERAL deaths or horrific events ALL IN ONE GO so maybe that explains the current bluntedness still.....my only Son also left home throughout all this too & I havent even begun to be able to process THAT shock & grief yet neither, NOR the loss of myself/life etc....so, just far too many horrific events all in one go.  Geez a person can only take so much, especially by themselves,.....so try and get as much love, support, education and care as you can for this critical time ahead.

 

**Anybody that can offer me any words/advice of comfort/reassurance would be greatly appreciated.....I know it is only time, time & more time, but just so beyond soul destroyed & need some comforting words of encouragement/reassurance right now...**

[[pr...]]

Hey Rucoco,

 

thanks for getting back to me. tonight is even worse. the dp'dr and intrusive memories, thoughts are out to kill me.

i'm so sorry you are still suffering and wish i had some words of comfort for you. i don't know if this will help or make you feel worse but i am in touch with a man who wrote "The Benzo Book" Jack Hobson-Dupont and he told me that he didn't start feeling like himself until 5 1/2 years even though he did a slow taper. so sometimes i guess i takes a little longer and we need to hang on.

 

that is a little scary that some peeps on here don't know or like to talk about protracted w/d. i understand it can be a scary thought for them. that is why i have found several other people like Jack as well as the forum for my support since i am pretty much going through this all alone all though i am with the family i was born into  very difficult. and on a couch in the middle of the living room and i do NOT get the rest or sleep i really need and there is nothing i can do about that for now.

 

it does feel like several deaths that we go through with this and i swear to the heaven's in better feel good when we are all healed. i can't think straight at all and i am a pretty good thinker. i've always been able to somehow talk myself down from the ladder but not right now.

 

i really hope that you get the encouraging words you need to hear to help you and give you the strength you need to make it all the way through. i will copy a few things that someone on here who is now healed told me that helped.

 

"I was careful no to compare my recovery to other peoples.  Some people will heal faster than others.  We all have different genetic makeup, different benzo histories, different environments. It doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong when someones recovery takes longer than someone elses"

 

she also said that she gave up setting milestones of when she would recover so that she wouldn't get upset or get into a panic. actually she says she is not totally healed and she has a few minor annoying sxs. so maybe it's just the very last leg for you! i hope so!

thank you so much! pretty

[[Ru...]]

Hey back Pretty,

 

You're welcome I hope what I said helped you somewhat....  Wow yeah I read Jack Hobson-Dupont's book ages back (that and the Benzowise one by Baylissa) but I had no idea that Jack's recovery took 5.5 years!!!  Must have forgotten that somewhere along the way, either that or he didnt put that in his book...? Holy guacamole 5.5 years.....it must have been SO HARD to hang on for that long!!! I know THIS long has been beyond incredulous!!!

 

Yep it is SO TRUE to try not to compare our recovery to other ppl's, as yeah there are SO MANY variables for sure - I highly agree.  It's just so unfair is all....it's bittersweet!!! encouraging but hard to deal with all at the same time when you are still in the thick of the pain of it yourself.

 

Yeah I used to be a pretty good deep thinker myself too.  Sure is DEVASTATING to have that not work properly.  My mind/life wisdom was what helped me get through life!!!  I've started seeing a Trauma Counsellor now (after searching for so so long) and he himself has gone through Brain Injury (not like this though) and he healed after a few years and is now back working....makes ya wonder if his wasnt so bad ya know???  But at any rate I am hoping he will help....at least it is a safe ear to help process the absolute plethora of crap/issues & devastation after all this long!!!

 

I have to keep reminding myself to KEEP FORGIVING too......as carrying that around does not help one's internal hear condition neither....

 

Yeah I havent found too many ppl want to talk/encourage in the protracted stage neither & man it is really frustrating - maybe they are just hoping and praying themselves really, so havent got that much reassurance themselves really???....I just keep praying, waiting, waiting and waiting is all & praying for the courage/strength to get through DAILY/HOURLY.

 

I am unsure of how long Baylissa took to heal too....maybe hers was ALSO a long time??? I really cant remember now....so many ppl along the way have said I should write a book, but I think I would probably scare ppl with the truth of it all really....however I COULD offer alot of advice on what DOESNT work lol....

 

I really wish you could have a better place to sleep!!!  You may well find that if you could get all the extra sleep/rest you need that you may well heal faster.  It doesnt sound ideal at all, but great that you at least have some family for hopefully some loving, encouraging, emotional & practical SUPPORT!!!  Maybe you could try investing in some earplugs and an eye mask perhaps??? I really feel if you could get adequate rest & sleep it would help.  I just let myself sleep/rest as much as possible nowdays still really & HEAPS of distraction via online movies.  Never watched so many in my life, although I did used to love movies before all this.  Thank God there are HEAPS of free ones out there to watch legally & for free!!!

 

Aw for me I have HAD to have SOME kind of "guesstimates" of a timeline - cos that is CRITICAL to my endurance really.  Even a GUESSTIMATE.  That is just the way I am wired up really, always have been, always will be.  I know that no1 can give an absolute reliable/accurate answer on timelines (apart from God) but a GUESSTIMATE ALWAYS helps me....Well I was hoping and praying that that might have been the 2+ year off mark for me, and yeah alot of the physical stuff DID heal alot better around about that time, with yeah a few annoying leftovers even now, but way more manageable than what I had, for sure.  Its the mental/emotional that is still excruciating hard to still keep bearing really and my MEMORY.  That MAY be blanked out/inaccessible because of the TRAUMA though.....Still feels like I have alzheimers, argh.

 

Anyway thanks for sharing Pretty and all the best to you ay???

 

Sincerely, Rucoco

 

P.S. I replied to you on another thread re Magnesium too....xoxoxxo

[[pr...]]

hi rucoco,

 

i'm in the middle of Jack's book now. i am not sure if he mention's how long it took for him--he just told me in a personal email that he didn't feel like himself for that long.

i am pretty sure that Baylissa took a little over 3 years. i am still trying to connect with her--i must talk to her at least once during this ordeal. i would like to get her book as well. and i really think i should write a book and hold nothing back even if i scare some peeps. you should too--tell it like it is!

okay, i will look for your post on the mag thread.

thanks and hang in there!

pretty

p.s. i was thinking about the mental and emotional sxs today. since benzo's are so blunting and stunting maybe all these bad emotional and mental sxs are just that--a sxs that will also go away. you know, it seems if we have a back log of memories, dreams and thoughts all these thing still need to be processed so maybe this is your time for that and it will be nothing more then a benzo withdrawal symptom soon

[[pr...]]

rucoco,

 

i didn't see your reply on the mag thread. maybe it was another one that i wasn't on? it didn't come up for me?

pretty

[[Ru...]]

Hey Pretty,

 

Have replied to you in a PM re both the above posts......

 

Rucoco xoxoxo

[Guest [to...]]

hi rucoco,

 

i'm in the middle of Jack's book now. i am not sure if he mention's how long it took for him--he just told me in a personal email that he didn't feel like himself for that long.

i am pretty sure that Baylissa took a little over 3 years. i am still trying to connect with her--i must talk to her at least once during this ordeal. i would like to get her book as well. and i really think i should write a book and hold nothing back even if i scare some peeps. you should too--tell it like it is!

okay, i will look for your post on the mag thread.

thanks and hang in there!

pretty

p.s. i was thinking about the mental and emotional sxs today. since benzo's are so blunting and stunting maybe all these bad emotional and mental sxs are just that--a sxs that will also go away. you know, it seems if we have a back log of memories, dreams and thoughts all these thing still need to be processed so maybe this is your time for that and it will be nothing more then a benzo withdrawal symptom soon

 

Hi Pretty & Rucoco,

 

Im reading Recovery & Renewal now its very helpful while we are in this state.  It can be purchased through

thebookdepository.com they deliver free and fast.

 

Pretty I hope you are having a better day.

 

peace love and healing

towardsthesun 

 

 

[[pr...]]

okay towardtehsun, what am i doing wrong? i put in that name "Recovery & Renewal" and up came Protecting the Capital Markets Against Terrorism Post 9/11

yes, i guess we will need that as well but i am more interested in Bliss John's book. do you happen to have a link you could share of where i could get the book?

thanks, pretty

[[pr...]]

never mind, i found it and i added it to my basket.

so there are two books about recovery & renewal.

so it's helping you?

[[Ru...]]

hi rucoco,

 

i'm in the middle of Jack's book now. i am not sure if he mention's how long it took for him--he just told me in a personal email that he didn't feel like himself for that long.

i am pretty sure that Baylissa took a little over 3 years. i am still trying to connect with her--i must talk to her at least once during this ordeal. i would like to get her book as well. and i really think i should write a book and hold nothing back even if i scare some peeps. you should too--tell it like it is!

okay, i will look for your post on the mag thread.

thanks and hang in there!

pretty

p.s. i was thinking about the mental and emotional sxs today. since benzo's are so blunting and stunting maybe all these bad emotional and mental sxs are just that--a sxs that will also go away. you know, it seems if we have a back log of memories, dreams and thoughts all these thing still need to be processed so maybe this is your time for that and it will be nothing more then a benzo withdrawal symptom soon

 

Hi Pretty & Rucoco,

 

Im reading Recovery & Renewal now its very helpful while we are in this state.  It can be purchased through

thebookdepository.com they deliver free and fast.

 

Pretty I hope you are having a better day.

 

peace love and healing

towardsthesun

 

Thanks TowardstheSun....I read Bliss' book ages ago now (when it was called BenzoWise) and it WAS very helpful at the time...very reassuring.  I need something for where I am up to NOW though....

[[Ka...]]

Thank you!  I know I'm going to make it, but on those off days it is helpful to read post like yours.  Thanks again!

[Guest [to...]]

hi rucoco,

 

i'm in the middle of Jack's book now. i am not sure if he mention's how long it took for him--he just told me in a personal email that he didn't feel like himself for that long.

i am pretty sure that Baylissa took a little over 3 years. i am still trying to connect with her--i must talk to her at least once during this ordeal. i would like to get her book as well. and i really think i should write a book and hold nothing back even if i scare some peeps. you should too--tell it like it is!

okay, i will look for your post on the mag thread.

thanks and hang in there!

pretty

p.s. i was thinking about the mental and emotional sxs today. since benzo's are so blunting and stunting maybe all these bad emotional and mental sxs are just that--a sxs that will also go away. you know, it seems if we have a back log of memories, dreams and thoughts all these thing still need to be processed so maybe this is your time for that and it will be nothing more then a benzo withdrawal symptom soon

 

Hi Pretty & Rucoco,

 

Im reading Recovery & Renewal now its very helpful while we are in this state.  It can be purchased through

thebookdepository.com they deliver free and fast.

 

Pretty I hope you are having a better day.

 

peace love and healing

towardsthesun

 

Thanks TowardstheSun....I read Bliss' book ages ago now (when it was called BenzoWise) and it WAS very helpful at the time...very reassuring.  I need something for where I am up to NOW though....

 

Hi Rucoco,

 

Please let me know if you find something helpful.  I hope you are having a good day.

 

I wish you strength and healing

[[Ru...]]

Thanks TowardstheSun - you too....

[[Ji...]]

Bliss johns book is really expensive. Ive just seen one on amazon for £500!?? the lowest was £16.88. 

[[Ho...]]

Parker, thanks for this. It couldn't be more true. God knows I was once of those who was sure I'd never heal. Now look at me, I'm just about healed Thanks for the reminder to others.

 

Holly

[[ma...]]

Go Parker!!!

Wish I had an audio recording of this whole initial post -so could blast your

clarion words out loud when most needed!

Your words & clear thoughts have helped  me so many times during these last tortuous months.

Just want to to know that today- as I experience my 1st long beautiful window - they ring just as mighty & true.

So keep on keeping on!

 

margaretisabel

 

 

[[su...]]

Bliss johns book is really expensive. Ive just seen one on amazon for £500!?? the lowest was £16.88. 

 

Hello JiggyJo,

 

I saw your comment and went to Amazon to see what you were talking about. Bliss Johns updated her book. The new and updated version is:

 

“Recovery & Renewal: Your essential guide to overcoming dependency and withdrawal from sleeping pills, other 'benzo' tranquilizers and antidepressants” by Bliss Johns 2012

 

It is nearly exactly the same as the other book which is now not published any more because she wrote this new book. I have read and own all 3 versions of her books. The only one you need, if you choose to buy it is the "Recovery and Renewal" one.

 

I hope this is helpful,

Summer

[[Ho...]]

Parker, if you are still on here, THANK YOU. I couldn't agree more!

[[sn...]]

Parker, This is an amazing way of explaining everything all in one perfect post. I'm amazed by your wisdom and the way that you convey it to others. Thanks for writing this. You're a major blessing to everyone on this forum. Thankyou.

 

Snoball

[[Ji...]]

Bliss johns book is really expensive. Ive just seen one on amazon for £500!?? the lowest was £16.88. 

 

Hello JiggyJo,

 

I saw your comment and went to Amazon to see what you were talking about. Bliss Johns updated her book. The new and updated version is:

 

“Recovery & Renewal: Your essential guide to overcoming dependency and withdrawal from sleeping pills, other 'benzo' tranquilizers and antidepressants” by Bliss Johns 2012

 

It is nearly exactly the same as the other book which is now not published any more because she wrote this new book. I have read and own all 3 versions of her books. The only one you need, if you choose to buy it is the "Recovery and Renewal" one.

 

I hope this is helpful,

Summer

 

Thank you SM for this,

 

I was shocked to see her book for £500! Haha I know why now

 

 

Xx

[[ha...]]

Thank you Parker--we all need to hear we are all going to make it.  thanks for being that light in the dark.  Thanks for having the strength to tell the truth.  to remind us of  the truth.  to trust.  to keep truckin when we want to freeze.  thanks for exposing the lie that these drugs are famous for.  thanks for being you.

 

Yep and we need each other, like a flock of geese who get lift from the wings in front.  Bless you friend.

 

hanging in there

[[pa...]]

I thought I would come back here today and "repost" this main post that I started nearly 18 months ago, when I was only about 6 months off benzos.

 

I "remember" writing this post - I remember being in such turmoil brain-wise - feeling this incredible number of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms -but "knowing" that I was the same person inside - going through a brain injury and waiting to heal.

 

By about this time, I had seen SOME subtle signs of healing - mostly the decrease in ONLY a few physical things. (And things felt worse after this for a little while - until I could finally start to "perceive" some healing - and that was still several months away from when I wrote this at 6 months off.)

 

In recovery - what we ALL want to know and are reaching for is the answer to the question "Do we really heal? Do we really improve?"  I can say - yes- absolutely. 

 

Since I wrote this 18 months ago, I have had SO many symptoms leave.  Each time one leaves for good - it becomes another testament to the fact that THIS IS RECOVERY. 

 

I had SO many physical, mental, and emotional symptoms.  I was very unsure of myself and came here a lot to write other buddies who were at my stage off then. I had a few people that I felt saved me with their promise of hope.  It made all the difference. The things they told me that happened to them while they healed - made me think - that will happen to me!  And it has.  Mind you - it hasn't been on the EXACT time schedule as their recovery of course, but it DID happen - it DID unfold.  And as I near 23 months off, the changes are rapidly bringing me back to NORMAL. 

 

Sometimes - even when we aren't sure - we have to speak logic to ourselves and go on others' hope. This post I wrote last March was all about that. 

 

Since this time, I have seen all these things go: internal vibrations, tight band around the head, extreme morning cortisol waking up at 4am, crying for 3 hours in the morning just to bring my brain into balance, crying for 1 hour in the morning several months later (now there is NO crying! . I wake up when the alarm goes off and I sleep until then and often sleep in on Saturdays.   Gone are the nightmares, the fear, the terror, the anxiety. Gone is the depression.  The sadness. The fatigue is gone most of the time - and when it DOES hit - it's simply a sign to sleep or nap - and I CAN - versus last year when napping was impossible.  Yes - I get tired at times, but I can take a nap and be okay. Gone are the intense menstrual cycle shifts that caused me to stay in bed at ovulation with psychosis when estrogen made glutamate run amok.  Gone are the PMS waves. Gone is the akathisia - the awful pins and needles. Gone is the burning skin.  Gone are the awful headaches.  The psychosis that made me feel like I was in another time period or made me relive full day-long memories in my life - those are gone. Those things made me feel CRAZY - and when I had that plus extreme depression, fear,  and physical pain - I couldn't do anything but lay in the bed and chant prayers while I "let it pass over me".

 

My brain HEALED from all of this and more - and is continuing to.  I think judging from many buddies here - my symptoms were very extreme.  So - it does not surprise me that I'm not  "completely recovered" yet.  Each time I experience and improvement, I realize how difficult I had it - and how much I had to "come back from". And yet - I am. 

 

The things that have stayed gone - are truly gone.  My gut feeling is that the upregulation of glutamate is what is taking longer to correct.  It seems that as EACH month goes by now, there is a reduction of some symptom that was related to "too much glutamate" that had upregulated since the neuroadaptation to the presence of benzos.  It seems as if it takes a long time for glutamate receptors to adequately downregulate to allow the body to come back to balance.  But that - over time - this truly does occur.

 

Also - I think at some point, even if full healing hasn't occurred - "enough" healing occurs for the brain to begin to produce serotonin and dopamine and norepinephrine again.  And even if you have some things left - MUCH is going "well" as you heal - and you can tell. That time frame is 100% unique to every person - but it's still the trajectory. The pattern here is that we are in restoration mode and will continue to be until we are healed.

 

The best things I could have done for myself were to be on here- to write - to formulate logic to help me through - to stay as positive as possible- where possible - even if on the surface with my speech and writing -  to encourage others and be encouraged by others - and to do healthy things.  Walk outside.  Purposefully get sunshine on my skin as much as possible without burning. Drink water.  Resolve to find ways to eat healthy (an entirely new way of eating began for me in recovery!) - and last but maybe most importantly - for me at least - was to research natural ways to counteract excess glutamate from dietary changes - and in my case, supplement additions.  I did weeks of research - probably months of research - time-wise - while healing.  I've always felt that while "time" is the great healer - there are things *I* can do to give my body the best resources with which to synthesis neurochemicals. Professor Ashton said something about recovery being a huge metabolic undertaking.  I found this to be true - One in which the body absolutely needs the BEST you can give it - much like a pregnant woman growing a fetus.  I made it my *job* to eat, sleep, walk, get in the sun, take Epsom baths, and read up on certain diet/supplements that might help. 

 

Whatever we take from this - remember that right now -our biggest job is to simply recover. And we are.  I think that for many of us - at least those on the forum -which may represent only 10% of all benzo users (who knows?) - for many of us- healing is a long process.  But let us emphasize that it IS a process . Meaning - it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  The way that unfolds may be months or years - but it's important to always emphasize the healing that we are noticing - and to be VERY PROUD of the body we live in - to comfort it and encourage it - and to congratulate it as it "gets it right".  As hokey as all that might sound, it's really not.    We are not at war with ourselves.  We are not at war with the drug either. We are simply in recovery. We must allow ourselves the comfort that we would if we were recovering from anything else.  It takes longer - and we are often in a hugely fluctuating mental state -so that is a real challenge. But as much as possible, we need to write ourselves letters and post encouraging things on our bathroom walls- and FEED our brain logic through things that we read.

 

I know that when I worked with brain injury patients, one thing we did as soon as someone was alert enough to function after awakening from a coma - was to make them an "orientation notebook". Often times, these patients couldn't remember their family members, their name, they didn't know where they were or what happened to them. They didn't know what year it was or who the president was.  And often, they forgot this information every day they woke up.  As a therapist - we made a notebook with photos and basic things that they could read everyday - as part of therapy.

 

"My name is Parker.  My family is Charles, Sue, and Tracy.  It is 2013. I was in a car accident.  I am in Orlando Regional Hospital.  I am healing.  This is normal. I am going to get better. Today I have speech therapy and physical therapy.  Today my mom visits me at 2:00.  My goals are remembering my family, practicing chewing, and practicing taking 10 steps to the doorway."

 

You know, guys?  I have seen people from this level of trauma recover and give advocacy speeches on brain injury years later.  I could show you some of my patients on youtube that I knew when they were in coma and woke up in severe brain agitation - and later recovered.  But I don't underestimate the power of simple things like the "orientation notebook" we made for patients - to really help "reprogram" the scared, worried brain - and to tell it what it needed to know - THAT IT'S OKAY.  HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO READ AND BELIEVE.  HERE IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.  IT'S NORMAL. IT IS GOING AWAY. AND HERE ARE YOUR GOALS JUST FOR TODAY.

 

 

I think - in a weird way - the things I studied in school and the experiences I had in brain injury - helped me to "intuit" that if THOSE people can recover from all that -I can recover. But I wrote myself "manifestos" and put them on my bathroom wall. I "fed" my brain logic.  I had - literally - wallpapered the area near the toilet - with positive messages. I printed out success stories from this forum and taped them up.  I would sit on the toilet several times a day and read these.  It helps. It helps the GENUINE worry that we have in this. It allows the brain to get busy just healing - and not to add any worry to the process.  It keeps us sane while we are recovering. 

 

A few months ago, I was doing so well, I didn't need these things anymore. I took them off the wall, folded them gently, and put them in a special wooden box.  I am recovering. I wake up now without needing the memory of it.  I FEEL it . I dont' wave out most of the time.  I don't "identify" anymore with that place in recovery. I have healed beyond it.  But I am proud of this body - it has accomplished a LOT in the last 22 months.  And yours is, too. 

 

I have stopped fully anticipating the "when" as to full recovery. I used to do that. Now - I am "excited" when I wake up - to see the "what" of  TODAY'S recovery.  Every day that I wake up without severe morning anxiety and crying is a day I realize - "I"M GETING BETTER!" The days and weeks and months pass quickly now. It's easy not to get caught up in whether I am "22 or 26" months - because I'm not suffering - and the time will just pass. 

 

At a point in recovery - I find that I am experiencing an improved baseline more and more - and the waves will knock me back a few hours, but they won't last as long. I'll "come out of one" faster and I will just respect that whatever caused the wave, that was what my body needed to restore function. I take it a lot more in stride now.  I'm just so thankful to be "here".

 

I'm not fully healed, but I'm like a person who has experienced a severe trauma to the leg that caused him to lose the ability to walk. The trauma itself is still visible- it's still not healed. It still smarts some - but it no longer keeps me from walking. I'm not even limping. I'm really walking - but I just have to be cautious to take care of that leg as it continues to fully heal.  And I have to respect that there are still some limits - and that my body needs to rest when it requires rest.  etc.

 

We are going to get there.  If you take away anything from this - I want you to take away HOPE. 

Beyond that, if we can stay ORIENTED TO RECOVERY - this is the *smartest*  thing we can do.  Read, write, post, and post things where your brain can read it.

 

Remember when you though you would take NOTHING for granted after this?  Well - remember that some people lose the ability to read in a brain injury! They must relearn it all over again. We have NOT lost that. We HAVE that.  So -USE that ability to read things that are hopeful - that "program" the brain to KNOW that this is normal and a part of recovery. Post things around your toilet to read while you are using the bathroom. ORIENT ORIENT ORIENT.  The words we use control our thoughts and those thoughts have big power. We can condition ourselves to helpful concepts.

 

I had this original thread's post on my wall from the day I wrote it. I had this post as well as many other positive, hopeful things from the forum printed and taped to the wall.  I read these things maybe hundreds of times.  They helped me to stay in the now.

These things were my "orientation notebook".

 

Celebrate recovery in every sense of the word.  Write and share and be proud of each thing your body does RIGHT in the moment it does it.  Encourage it with pride and admiration.  We are doing a lot of healing work. And our bodies are divinely gifted with knowing how to heal.

 

Love you all,

Parker

[[Jo...]]

Thank you so much for this inspiring post, especially your honesty about those awful intrusive memories and thoughts, which I still get.

 

Wonderful - a message of great hope.