Wild Soul, Running Free

[[Wi...]]

 

  ok...this evening I am in total rage ..my family is walking on eggshells with me..My kids have decended to their room and hubby went outside to mow the lawn..I am inside wollering in my own hell ..My hands are ice cold and my eyes look wild according to my oldest daughter...she said my eyes looked that of a wolf getting ready for the kill..

  I am sipping on a protein shake trying to get calm...maybe I will get up and scrub the house down until I just wear out....my friend asked me to go out tonight and sing some karaoke and I know that would not be a good thing to do because of the alcohol but then again I need some release and relaxation here too before I hurt the next person that pisses me off around here..

sorry to be so graphic but I am just really really angry here and in a rage and it honestly wouldn't take much for me to snap...I am trying hard to control it though but my coping mechanisms are not working that well at all...I know it is the cut in valium that is doing this to me....I currently have anger issues...I don't like being around my family when I am like this..I just wish I was up in the mountains in a tent away from everyone ..just me and my w/d...waiting for it all to end..today is just not a good day for me at all....undecided about what to do later on tonight..go out ? or not go out? I gotta let her know something asap so she knows whether to get ready or not...I dunno .I am just venting I guess...don't know what to do as my brain is firing way to fast to make a rational descision at this point... or at least I feel it is..well I am gonna get up from here and do something to keep my mind off everything..

 

thanks buddies ..hugs from me to you and if you don't care throw me one back too...

 

                                      Nola

[Guest [st...]]

Hi, Nola,

 

Gosh, the agitation/anger was so, so bad for me, too.  Now, for the bad part:  stay home and be alcohol free (LOL).

 

Love ya, hon.

 

Patty  xo

[[pa...]]

Hi Nola.

I've also had problems with anger during my taper. I've hurt some feelings because of it but thankfully my family and friends are understanding and forgiving about it. It comes and goes, sometimes not too bad, sometimes severe. I've snapped at my daughter, mind you she's 14 months old and has NO idea what's going on when mommy gets mad.

Have you explained to your family that this is part of wd? It might help them understand it a little more.

I try to get to the gym to gedt out my frustrations. Some good exercise seems to calm me.

Take care

 

Amanda

[[tr...]]

 

  ok...this evening I am in total rage ..my family is walking on eggshells with me..My kids have decended to their room and hubby went outside to mow the lawn..I am inside wollering in my own hell ..My hands are ice cold and my eyes look wild according to my oldest daughter...she said my eyes looked that of a wolf getting ready for the kill..

  I am sipping on a protein shake trying to get calm...maybe I will get up and scrub the house down until I just wear out....my friend asked me to go out tonight and sing some karaoke and I know that would not be a good thing to do because of the alcohol but then again I need some release and relaxation here too before I hurt the next person that pisses me off around here..

sorry to be so graphic but I am just really really angry here and in a rage and it honestly wouldn't take much for me to snap...I am trying hard to control it though but my coping mechanisms are not working that well at all...I know it is the cut in valium that is doing this to me....I currently have anger issues...I don't like being around my family when I am like this..I just wish I was up in the mountains in a tent away from everyone ..just me and my w/d...waiting for it all to end..today is just not a good day for me at all....undecided about what to do later on tonight..go out ? or not go out? I gotta let her know something asap so she knows whether to get ready or not...I dunno .I am just venting I guess...don't know what to do as my brain is firing way to fast to make a rational descision at this point... or at least I feel it is..well I am gonna get up from here and do something to keep my mind off everything..

 

thanks buddies ..hugs from me to you and if you don't care throw me one back too...

 

                                       Nola

 

Hi Nola,

 

Just a thought here, but have you looked to check the ingredients on that protein shake?  Food and drink have a HUGE affect on our wd symptoms. 

 

My advice is don't go out with your friend, go mow the lawn.    It will take the edge off your anger and exhaust you. 

 

Take care 

 

TS 

[[Ke...]]

Hiya Nola-

 

Just say no =)  I agree with Patty - no drinking and stay home- or go out- but avoid the drinks.  I can totally understand your circumstance.  Just my point of view- but my taper got SOOOO much better after I eliminated the alcohol.  For me the drinking magnified the w/d 10X.  I'm pretty sure the worst day I ever had was after drinking.  Actually I know that was the worst day.  I gave up the drinks for a while and it made a huge difference Nola.  All I can do is share what worked for me.  Everyone here is pulling for you hun    Good luck and stay strong!

 

Keith

[[Be...]]

Nola  

 

I was thinking some form of exercise, too. Something to release that extra energy that's pent up with the rage.  I know your family can't really understand what you are feeling or how frustrated you are to be feeling as you do. Just keep telling them and yourself "It's the d**n pills! This is not who I am." Hope you get a break soon.

[[Wi...]]

 

  Hey Buddies,

 

    Well I didn't read everyones replies last night and I went ahead and went out against my better judgement..But I had a wonderful time and met some old friends who have been wondering where I have been...I got blitzed on the vodka needless to say and today I went to work and come home and just rested all evening..I have been totally relaxed all day long ..After posting yesterday I went and drank one my protein shakes which is loaded with amino acids and it really calmed me down..I paid $60 for that stuff ..it better do something..

I drunk another one this morning for breakfast..I know I shouldn't have went out but I actualy felt so good while being there and mingling with friends and got invited to a cookout and a b-day party too..You never know how popular you really are until you don't show up for a while.everyone was like where you been girl..you look really good ...all I could think of is if they only knew what hell I was going through..They missed me being there to sing for them...

I wanted to go tell all the favorite singers about the karaoke contest at Cotten Eyed Joes in Knoxville with a prize of a $1000 ..I wanna go and they said they would prob go next week..

I am going one night just to see what kinda competition I am up against..just havent figured out a song that I wanna sing yet...I sang the song ALONE by heart and one by Sugarland last night..I met a guy under a recording contract who was a contestant on Nashville Star a few seasons back and I talked to him a bit..I told how I had stage fright really bad and never thought I was good enough..He told me that if I could sing Heart songs I could sing anything and he definately thought I was good enough and when I was on stage to switch into performer mode and look above the crowd or wherever I was comfortable...I dunno ..I am stuggling here with doing the right thing and staying away from the alcohol and doing something that is my passion and truly relaxes me...What is a girl to do..?

  I know I will have to pay the price for drinking and that is a given...as for mowing the lawn..I can't I am allergic to just about everything outside...

  I am just so screwed up right now..I am so irresponsible at times..jack of all trades and too scared to master any of them.. I can't think of any other job I would love to do other than sing .that would be the ultimate dream for me...I had the opportunity once but since I was a single mom and had to work I turned it down...now I deeply regret it and have been trying to make up for it ever since in my own way I guess...

  Sorry if I dissapointed anyone here .wish I had read the posts before I went out it might have made a difference...but I don't regret it as I had a wonderful time...it will take a day or two to catch up with me though I am sure...I am still holding steady with the 10%cut and am do for another one this monday..

  My family knows what I am dealing with though and when I am having a bad day they just stay away from me..not exactly what I want..It's weird cause one minute I am cutting up and acting crazy funny and the next  I am angry and very easily annoyed...my kids say ..you so crazy mama ..in a good way cause I make them laugh a lot..I like to have fun ..its what makes life go so much easier for us all.. 

  thanks my buddies for the ongoing support ...I am trying here...I had a username one time on yahoo that was called angelwith_horns ..That is so true for me. 

  I do know that protein amino acid shake I drink really helped calm me down and I mean within minutes after drinking it so it had to be that...so that might be an option for others on here...It also had 60gram protein and enzymes to help with soreness like protease,bromelain,amylase for sugar breakdown...and is supposed to make you lose weight faster...I assume it is so pricey because of the enzymes because they are not cheap....I am gonna try to find a cheaper brand though next time ...

    I know it is late  so I am gonna get off here for now and will post tomorrow...

take care everyone..thanks for  you hugs and support...

 

  love and hugs to you all....  Nola

 

[[tr...]]

Hi Nola,

 

Sounds like you had quite a night.    Getting out and seeing friends always makes us feel better, even when we don't feel well overall it lifts our spirits. 

 

I'm not sure it was the protein shake that calmed you down.  Protein is very good for us through all this but the amino acids can make symptoms worse. Many people can't take even a vit. B tablet because of it.  The alcohol works on the same receptors in the brain as benzos so that maybe what made you feel good. 

 

Good luck on your signing.  I hope you win that $1000, that would help lift my spirits. 

[[Be...]]

Honey 

 

I know you love the karoake so much and currently aren't able to do it without drinking.  I do believe if you start reducing how much you drink - not getting blitzed -you will still be able to enjoy singing and possibly be able to do it without alcohol sometime in the future.  So much alcohol just isn't good for you, whether or not you are tapering a benzo. I'm just sayin'...

 

That contest sounds exciting.  When is it?  I need to go check youtube for some Heart songs; I remember liking their singing but am drawing a blank right now  which is par for the course.

[[Wi...]]

 

  Hey buddies,

 

  I don't know if I am gonna get to sign up yet or not but I definately wanna check it out though..because I would have to be there every tues and thurs nights and not sure I can do that..I do think I am doing better with the alcohol than I used to as I used to drink every single night..now it is only 1 or 2 nights per week...I am trying to change for the better it is just taking me a while..Oh yeah and the group Heart sings songs like Magic Man, Even It Up,All I wanna Do,Alone,Stranded...they were and still are a great rock band..The lead singer Ann Wilson and her sister Nancy are awesome ...I have always admired them.I do sing a lot of country to but I like all kinds of music ..If I like it ..I sing it...and heart is something that a lot of people won't  even try to tackle because it is so difficult..

  I just overdone it on the alcohol the other night..I know I did..don't mean to do that but when I haven't had any in a while thats what I tend to do...go overboard...thats so sad that I love drinking so much isn't it...at least I don't do any other drugs or smoke anything(you know what I mean)...I am trying to be good though..but 1 time a week I don't think is so bad compared to what I used to do....I will and am succeeding in my w/d..will alcohol make it worse? I am sure it will...am I willing to deal with the consequences?I will have to...it just might take me a little longer to acheive my goals...I have a lot of em too....not just getting off benzos..If hubby gets this job it will open up many doors for us...I might even go back to school for something and make something of myself for a change..

  Today I am feeling ok (so far so good)...the weather is nice here but I heard it is might rain today...bummer...

  Well gotta go to work for a bit now.....

 

    talk to ya later buddies....    hugs.... Nola

[[Wi...]]

 

  Well at least I am glad that I am not the only one going through this rage..I figured it was w/d and since it doesn't happen that often I guess me and my family are lucky..

    I have tapered down this week by 1/2 mg and next week gonna try another half and see how that goes....I know there will be w/d effects...I may just have to vent a little bit more..

I hope it won't last too long after I am finished with the taper though...thats all I can hope for..

I haven't had much time to read everyones stories but I know it could be much worse for me and I thank God that it isn't...My heart goes out to those suffering from w/d...its really a hard thing to go through...but there is a light at the end of the tunnel ....some of us just have a little further to travel to find it....

 

              hugs to all... Nola

[[ca...]]

hi nola yes i too am tapering off valium on the same dose as you right now and yes the tingling is very dam scary for me how are you doing apart from that i am reading your posts so you do singing and play the guitar what a clever girl you are luv caral x

[[Wi...]]

 

  Hi there Carvic

    well yeah the tingling gets to me  sometimes...but I have to say the worst w/d effect is

the bouts of anger and rage.....I literally wanna rip someones head off..

I deal with it though... right now I feel like I can't catch my breath..haven't had that in a while..

but needless to say I am dealing with it now...I have days where I am so hyper and days where I don't wanna get outta bed..and my hands get so cold sometimes...oh well that all goes along with it unfortunately I guess...

  Yeah I like to sing and play my guitar too... .. it is relaxing to me to go out and sing karaoke to..away from the stresses of life ..ya know...you truly gotta find a happy place or something to ease your soul and your mind...we gotta hang tough gal..its gotta get better...

 

 

    love and hugs to you too..          your buddie Nola...

 

[[Wi...]]

 

Hey buddies...

 

    Well I  made another cut this week..I just cut another 10ml morning and night ..not sure about the mgs but that is more simple for me to do...I am making it ok...actually better..no rage since Saturday...and all in all a better mood....everyone around here has been sick but me so far..I hope I don't catch that nasty bug going round either....I've been taking my zinc and hoping for the best...just thought I would drop in and say a BIG HOWDY to everyone.....

 

          hugs..        Nola

[[Be...]]

Boy am I glad to hear you are feeling so good, Nola.  Well, not bad, anyway.   

 

So you made another cut.  You were taking 2.5mg 2x/day, is that right? It sounds like you are either using the liquid valium or making a liquid out of your pills.  It would be a good idea to get a handle on how much is in 10ml so you know how much you are cutting.  Or, if I know you, you will fly by the seat of your pants and continue this way if you feel okay.  I guess that would work, too.    good luck.

[[Wi...]]

 

  Hey there Beeper/buddie

yeah I wish I knew what 10ml was too...I guess I could figure it out though...if I put my head to it..

  slowly but surely...

  thanks...                                      Nola

[[Wi...]]

 

  Hello buddies..

 

  Well this evening I gotta call that every parent dreads..My daughter called me withing 30 minutes of leaving the house and said she was ok but had totaled the car...

  She was on her way to her boyfriends house to go to church with his family about and hour away..well she decided to stop off at a friends house on the way on an old country road..

well they weren't home and on her way back to the main road a car came flying down on her side of the road ,she then went to the other side of the road because she had no choice and when they finally realized what they were doing and straightened up it was too late....she had nowhere to go so she went into the woods down a gulley ..flip the car end to end as in no damage on the top...hit a couple of trees..and finally came to a stop..gas was leaking outta the car ,drivers window busted ,windsheild busted  and the back drivers side wheel was up underneath the car with the tire completely knocked off and quite a few feet away.. A fire marshal who happened to live up the road came down and stayed with em and called the police while I was on my way...It was a really nerve trying night..needless to say I took the whole 5mg valium today...no ration today at all..My nerves were shot...

  oh yeah and everything that was in the trunk was threw out everywhere in the midst of poison oak and ivy...that we had to pick up along with the rim that the tire was on that was broke into peices....

  I am so glad they are alive..I thank GOD for that...there must have been an angel looking out for them .The wrecker guy said that people just don't walk away from a car being that badly damaged..Them kids where really lucky...The cop didn't file a report and didn't even ask for her liscense or insurance..we told him all we had was liability so he let it go at that and said he wouldn't file the report that way it wouldn't hurt her as far as insurance goes..maybe he though she was tore up enough.....We thanked him and the fire marshal for their help ..

  My thoughts can't help but wander and think what if?? what if it had been worse..I honestly don't think I could take it ..my babies getting hurt or killed ...that would throw me over the edge and they would just have to commit me in the looney bin...

  I don't know if the people in the other car saw them go off the road but they should be ashamed of themselves  if they knew and didn't stop to see if they were ok..and all I gotta say is "to each one their own" and "they will get paid back one way or another"....

  I am upset and my nerves are shot ....I am off work the rest of the week and my youngest is outta school for fall break so I don't have to worry about  her not going to school because of the wreck...I am taking them to the chiropractor tomorrow ..my daughters boyfriends mom used to work for one and when she came she felt of my youngest daughters neck and back and said she had knots all on her..she was all outta whack so maybe they can help her...

my my..we never know what we are gonna have to face in this world...I am glad I held up and was strong enough when I needed to be for the girls though..I just feel like collapsing now..

  Just needed someone to talk to buddies....needed some release ...

thanks for being there.......sorry such a long post....not sure how I could make it any shorter..

 

                                        hugs.......Night buddies....Nola

 

[[sp...]]

Nola,

What a time youve had - so glad your babies are ok.  Take some time to rest your nerves now and dont think what if - it didnt happen and itll stop you getting sleep!

Love spring

[[Wi...]]

 

  Yeah I know .it could have been worse but it wasn't...thanks for the comforting words and I am gonna get some sleep later..right now I guess I need the downtime to unwind and reflect..I am a night owl anyways... ...I'm ok....now that I know my kids are gonna be alright...that's all  I need to know to comfort me ..doesn't keep you from worrying when they walk out that door..ya know..? part of life I guess..I really hate that..

  thanks Spring...and nice to meet you by the way....

 

take care buddy.....love and hugs...Nola

[[ba...]]

Nola,

I can't imagine what you must have felt when you answered that phone call...      :'( ...the gratitude that your kids survived such a horrendous accident. I am sure they found great comfort in your arms. Hopefully the adrenalin rush is diminishing and you can take time to "unwind and reflect"...be as kind and loving to yourself now as you were earlier for your kids. Perhaps some herbal tea? Snuggling up with a warm blanket...whatever you do to comfort yourself...and don't forget to breathe, my friend.

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh157/bagbarbara/2TeddyBears.gif

Angels do walk among us...

hugs, Barb

[[ly...]]

Hi nola, i think thats every mothers nightmare, it is mine! Thank god they are ok, be proud of yourself for getting through it! Give your babies a big hug! Sleep well.                  Lynn x

[[Wi...]]

 

Hey Lynn

 

  Yep ,I do thank GOD...It all just seems like a dream..but they are ok n thats all that matters to me..they are just really sore and that is to be expected..

thanks for being a buddy..

 

                                      Nola

[[ca...]]

hi nola sorry to here you had a terrible scare with your daughter and her boyfriend like you say it is a mothers worse nigthmare i to can relate to that many times over i remember being told that my son would not live after he had to have an operation for a stomach abcess which came about by doctors neglect he had a suspected appendicitus when he was only 4 yrs old they left it too long to operate and it turned into perritonitous his appendicts burst if that wasnt enough his temperature went sky high abdomen rigid they again left it too late to find out what it was so it turned into an abcess he fought for his life  drains and tubes all coming out of his little body we sat by his bed day and night some times i was on my own but he did make it he went in that hospital a chubby little boy came out like a stick he would have night mares for months after but he is here now wth 2 little boys of his own it is as you say a hell to think any thing going wrong with our kids but she is safe nola and we are all thank full for that much love caral x

[[Wi...]]

 

  Wow Carol what a story!..you know when kids are little like that they don't know how to explain what they are feeling..but doctors should do a better job...My great aunt died a couple of months back because of doctors neglect...

  thank goodness your son made it through all that ...I could not imagine seeing my child in that shape.. We put our trust in the doctors ..thats all we have...if they can't help ..who else will? but there are good ones and not so good ones .

  But I am thankful both my kids are ok..and by the way the one driving is 17 and my youngest daughter is 12(the passenger)...kids are sure to have an angel watching out for them when no one else can...

  The whole incidence just tore my nerves up and I had to have some release and posting here seems to help me because I know there will be someone come along who has been through it or has been through it to help me along...you buddies are my angels ..

  I am blessed to have the ability to  converse with you all...thanks so much....

maybe an angel seen I needed help and led me to this forum..who knows?..but for whatever the reason I am glad to have stumbled this way...

 

    love and hugs....    Nola

[[ba...]]

 

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh157/bagbarbara/Catpeekingthrough-animatedblink.gif

 

Just dropping in to let you know I am thinking about you, Nola.

hugs, Barb   

 

 

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh157/bagbarbara/friends.gif