The Long Hold Support Group

[[va...]]

Good morning Long Holders and thank you for always being there. Even if I hardly ever post lately, but it's very reassuring to know that you people are here and that I can come back and you know me and greet me and that nobody will rush me into cutting ever.

 

I see this is very quiet and I guess you guys are posting elsewhere like the village or who knows where, but I'm glad we can always come back here.

 

Stut in case you read this, I hope your wrist is healing. I feel very sorry for you because I can imagine how hard it is to keep up with everything and also we're not 20 anymore so the worry about it healing properly. Tell your daughter to type an update for us. We'd love to hear about you.

 

Trishy thanks for your sweet post. I'm sorry that you are not feeling good either. I'm glad that at least you're able to taper and maybe you'll be off this stuff someday. There are so many cases now that I'm using the ffp2 mask instead of the surgical ones I used to use. Of course that's more money but I really fear for my life now with all this hospital near collapse.Maybe in one year we'll get the vaccine, who knows. It seems to work, as we can see in Israel. It's working there. Cases are going down.

 

Mary I'm sorry you're always in so much pain. I feel your pain, literally. I've lived in pain since I was 30 and it's not getting better. I fear I'll end up disabled (more), and that really worries me sick sometimes. Noone is going to take care of me that's for sure, so if I ever reached that state, it would be the end for me. I have pain from my neck to my toes. All my joints hurt. That's another reason why I don't type often. Typing hurts my fingers, arms, shoulders and neck. I have to do it for my classes and for finances and everything in general though. Sheyna is very happy and she is the joy of my life together with my daughter. Sheyna sends you kisses and a special kiss and hug to Sly. She wants to be pen pals with  him  I hope you find a way to improve your pain or at least live with it.

 

Hi everyone else in the group. I hope all your holds are bringing you a lot of healing. Kitsune, I remember the sound advice and support you have often given me. Olive Kitty, you're an inspiration to all of us. I'm holding at 2 and when I despair I think who knows, it might work for me too. My worst sxs now is depression, I don't know if it was like that for you during your long hold. Suzy I don't know where you've gone but I remember  you. Esperanza, Guinea Pig, JWL and all the other people who come to this group, I hope we all make it through the pandemic, the crises and through withdrawal. Or that at least we stabilize, for Christ's sake, I no longer obsess about tapering, I just want to be not so brain damaged. Anyway I've taken up Excel classes, because my level was basic, and I realise I can learn formulas easily which was unthinkable a year ago so yes, I guess my brain is healing, but this depression man, I wish it lifted. I'd also like to find a partner because I feel so alone, but with all this pain who's going to want me. I hurt everywhere. Not to even think of having to have sex! Just the thought of it makes me want to run to the woods. Maybe in one of those asexual dating sites? I think that's a thing right now. I'm just kidding I'm not joining any site ATM, I can't even chat on the phone without shoulder, back, arm and wrist pain.

 

GP you have left us. It's a shame because I'm sure you have in mind very good ideas for mass vaccination attire and "back to opening the economy" attire, which would be very inspiring for us. But I understand you're also having a very hard time.

 

Love to everyone here,

 

VNM

[[Wa...]]

New to this topic... just wanted to take 2 minutes to vent because this lady is about to blow a gasket

PMS & ANXIETY ARE NOT TO BE MESSED WITH! .. It's like two invisible monsters appearing at once and then they creep like a trojan horse, try to woo you and destroy your sense of inner peace! AND THEN THE BLEEDING FOR 12 DAYS..

 

I do not want to be a woman anymore. LOL 

[[Tr...]]

Good morning Long Holders and thank you for always being there. Even if I hardly ever post lately, but it's very reassuring to know that you people are here and that I can come back and you know me and greet me and that nobody will rush me into cutting ever.

 

I see this is very quiet and I guess you guys are posting elsewhere like the village or who knows where, but I'm glad we can always come back here.

 

Stut in case you read this, I hope your wrist is healing. I feel very sorry for you because I can imagine how hard it is to keep up with everything and also we're not 20 anymore so the worry about it healing properly. Tell your daughter to type an update for us. We'd love to hear about you.

 

Trishy thanks for your sweet post. I'm sorry that you are not feeling good either. I'm glad that at least you're able to taper and maybe you'll be off this stuff someday. There are so many cases now that I'm using the ffp2 mask instead of the surgical ones I used to use. Of course that's more money but I really fear for my life now with all this hospital near collapse.Maybe in one year we'll get the vaccine, who knows. It seems to work, as we can see in Israel. It's working there. Cases are going down.

 

Mary I'm sorry you're always in so much pain. I feel your pain, literally. I've lived in pain since I was 30 and it's not getting better. I fear I'll end up disabled (more), and that really worries me sick sometimes. Noone is going to take care of me that's for sure, so if I ever reached that state, it would be the end for me. I have pain from my neck to my toes. All my joints hurt. That's another reason why I don't type often. Typing hurts my fingers, arms, shoulders and neck. I have to do it for my classes and for finances and everything in general though. Sheyna is very happy and she is the joy of my life together with my daughter. Sheyna sends you kisses and a special kiss and hug to Sly. She wants to be pen pals with  him  I hope you find a way to improve your pain or at least live with it.

 

Hi everyone else in the group. I hope all your holds are bringing you a lot of healing. Kitsune, I remember the sound advice and support you have often given me. Olive Kitty, you're an inspiration to all of us. I'm holding at 2 and when I despair I think who knows, it might work for me too. My worst sxs now is depression, I don't know if it was like that for you during your long hold. Suzy I don't know where you've gone but I remember  you. Esperanza, Guinea Pig, JWL and all the other people who come to this group, I hope we all make it through the pandemic, the crises and through withdrawal. Or that at least we stabilize, for Christ's sake, I no longer obsess about tapering, I just want to be not so brain damaged. Anyway I've taken up Excel classes, because my level was basic, and I realise I can learn formulas easily which was unthinkable a year ago so yes, I guess my brain is healing, but this depression man, I wish it lifted. I'd also like to find a partner because I feel so alone, but with all this pain who's going to want me. I hurt everywhere. Not to even think of having to have sex! Just the thought of it makes me want to run to the woods. Maybe in one of those asexual dating sites? I think that's a thing right now. I'm just kidding I'm not joining any site ATM, I can't even chat on the phone without shoulder, back, arm and wrist pain.

 

GP you have left us. It's a shame because I'm sure you have in mind very good ideas for mass vaccination attire and "back to opening the economy" attire, which would be very inspiring for us. But I understand you're also having a very hard time.

 

Love to everyone here,

 

VNM

Hey V, I'm like you I used to use the surgical masks then I doubled them and now I'm wearing the kn95 plus a surgical mask over that, talk about not being able to breathe sheesh!

I just popped in for a second but I believe you will also taper again someday when you're ready. I know we are on different benzos but I do recall V that I had crushing depression at 2 mgs of xanax. I had no idea at the time it was the xanax causing it but it was. For what it's worth I have noticed that my depression started to disappear the lower I got in dosage. So when you're ready if you ever are ready to taper again I would be curious to know if you got some relief in your depression. I am not suggesting what so ever that you should taper that's very individual as to when if ever and how to do it as well. Just know I support you no matter if you stay on forever or if you decide to taper one day. I'm always in your corner for support. I know how hellish and difficult tapering this monster is.

You take care of yourself V and I hope you feel better. 🙏❤️

Trishy, ❤️

[[Ta...]]

I have some good news.  Since reinstating on D and doing a slow taper, my menstrual cycle has returned to 90 % normal.  It is no longer coming 2 weeks early or a week late or being incredibly heavy.  Also, my hair has started growing back.  However, my hair texture completely changed and it is incredibly curly now.  I have blonde ringlets.  It's amazing how much this drug changes the mind and body.  TG

[[tr...]]

Winchester: ok it def feels like PMDD but for many of us its simply just how benzo recovery messes with us and eventually it gets better. Give it time:)

Careful using supplements ...some can tolerate them, others feel worse for them. i think in anything we try its prob best to do a very low dose first to see how you feel and only one thing at a time:)

 

Warrior 2021:Welcome! Acute and periods are no joke...we feel your pain. It gets better, but it can pack a punch in the meantime. At least you still have a sense of humor:)

 

TG: Glad your taper is working for you! Funny I looked at  my hair recently and I can literally tell by how it feels at the end (hair from early wd) that I was suffering physically. The newer hair (past 3 months worth) feels soooo much better. But boy did the grey come in a lot this year (not like I had stress or nutritional deficiencies...lol). Got a generous trim on my hair today...chopping off benzo hair bit by bit.

[[su...]]

Winnie, kitsune & TallGolfer, glad to hear good news on the front.  Yay for windows, easier cycles and reliable cycles! 

 

Welcome Warrior, and please know you are in good company for venting.  It's funny how men don't ever say they wish they could be women, but I have found myself many times thinking, gee wouldn't it be grand to not to have two X chromosomes right now? (and XX + bzd = no bueno) 

 

Trina, I can relate to the chopping off of the benzo hair.  Treated myself to lobbing off 12 inches the other day.  I was in a glorious 99% window day too, so it was a wonderful, freeing feeling. 

 

Unfortunately Aunty Flo has made her appearance today and the benzo yuckies came back yesterday in full force.  Things have been all over the place this past month for me: stronger waves, nothing predictable at all, but the windows have been sweeter.  It's been a rollercoaster month.  So done.  So over this (not that I was ever down WITH this tumble down the rabbit hole).  UGH!

 

Okay, not sure if posting on another thread would be better for this question, but it does relate to the menstruation topic.  Have you ladies noticed that you are much more sensitive to pain in general?  Like any non-benzo related issue that comes up, like menstrual cramps, or pulling a muscle, or hitting your shin on the table, any kind of "pain" experience that is WAY more amplified now?  I feel like I am super sensitive to pain now.  Maybe it's just a getting older thing and because I am healing, the experience of pain feels different, but it is definitely a thing. 

 

Alright, I'm going to crawl up with my heating pad now ladies.  Have a good night and healing thoughts to all. 

 

[[be...]]

Hi ladies,

  I’ve been MIA, because I feel like I’ve been in survival mode since Christmas. I have some windows sometimes, but I’m mostly just keeping my head above water. My ovulation brought a big wave this month (currently in it), and we are supposed to go out of town Saturday. I welcome the distraction of travel, but I’m also anxious about all the things. This will be my first time away from home in 6 months.

  I’m so glad to see that some of you are having better months. I pray that my better days are coming soon.

 

Much love,

Beauty

[[Be...]]

Hi ladies,

  I’ve been MIA, because I feel like I’ve been in survival mode since Christmas. I have some windows sometimes, but I’m mostly just keeping my head above water. My ovulation brought a big wave this month (currently in it), and we are supposed to go out of town Saturday. I welcome the distraction of travel, but I’m also anxious about all the things. This will be my first time away from home in 6 months.

  I’m so glad to see that some of you are having better months. I pray that my better days are coming soon.

 

Much love,

Beauty

 

Im so sorry you are suffering. It is awful this w/d. You will heal. You will start to have windows again - this is a wretched rough patch for you, but you are strong & you can do this.  Keep going,

[[St...]]

Good morning LHSG hoping everyone has a better day.

Morning twiny glad the wee man is keeping you on your toes l think you need to be kept occupied.Sorry to hear the pots etc has increased just don't cut too much honey and also work on calming the anxiety which l believe will elevate a lot of the symptoms.Do you do breathing exercises etc? Don't allow those catastrophic thoughts to run riot.These are difficult times for everyone so we have to take this one day at a time and do the best we can.

The fam are doing well and keeping as healthy as possible.l got a lighter cast on yesterday so hopefully l can move about a little more.No option but to rest and binge watch TV just finished The Fall which l enjoyed.l can't write very often hopefully l will drop in next week for a catch up.Keep your chin up.love you my lST X

Morning Val l am sorry to read you are in a wave.l really hope that it does pass however it does take a very long time.l believe it will.l know it is so damn soul destroying but you will get there.The depression for me lifted after holding for about 5 months have to say it dipped in again at times however it didn't last long.l wish you could get treatment for your pain no doubt the pain and depression are going hand in hand.Hang in there honey you will turn a corner.look after yourself and your beautiful daughter.love you X

Morning everyone else quiet here l really hope everyone is doing ok.Thinking of you all.Sending my love.X

[[Tr...]]

Morning Stut,

 

Nice to see you're back again. Hopefully your wrist is getting better soon. How's the pain atm? Probably gone by now  ( at least it was like that after I broke my wrist years ago). Anyway,  it gives you some well deserved rest.

 

Take care!

 

Trochsetter

[[St...]]

Morning Stut,

 

Nice to see you're back again. Hopefully your wrist is getting better soon. How's the pain atm? Probably gone by now  ( at least it was like that after I broke my wrist years ago). Anyway,  it gives you some well deserved rest.

 

Take care!

 

Trochsetter

..

Morning Troch great to see you.l am not as sore however if l move too fast then ouch.I think the hardest thing for me is the not being able to drive that kills me however it won't last forever.How have you been honey are you cutting or holding?Are you still able to get around in your bike?X

[[Tr...]]

Hi Stut,

 

Glad you're not in too much pain. It's going to get better day by day.

 

I'm still doing daily micro cuts. Now down to just below 1,6 mgs. I do go for bike rides and walks almost every day.

I still have quite a few physical issues ( = pain),  but I try to ignore them as much as possible. The less attention I pay to it, the less impact they have.  I find it does help to try and live as normal a life as possible. This weekend "the beast from the east " is going to visit the Netherlands.  So probably no more biking and walking for a while.

 

Hope you enjoy your weekend!

 

Stay safe.

 

Trochsetter

 

 

[[tr...]]

Beauty; I am so sorry.....really. It weird bc we all know acute is rough..but then in my experience theres another type of rough that follows. Hard to describe. Or like in my journey I found the emotional stuff has been quite a bit better but the physical  stuff became a bit more challenging. Hugs...you will survive this. It feels like it will never end or that you'll never heal. I'm now hopeful that within this next year coming i will be able to write a success story. Never thought I'd say that!

 

Sunshine: 12 inches of hair?!!! Really? Thats a lot! Good for you.

[[be...]]

Thanks, girls!!! Yes, Trina, it’s not acute, it’s not always even a full-on wave, but it’s also not a happy baseline. It always throws me off when my non-wave time feels worse than it did earlier in the process. I have to remind myself that healing is not linear and this is still normal. In better news, I have had two pain-free, clear headed, good days since I last posted, and I’m feeling pretty thankful for those.

 

I appreciate everyone’s encouragement so much!!

 

Beauty

[[Be...]]

Thanks, girls!!! Yes, Trina, it’s not acute, it’s not always even a full-on wave, but it’s also not a happy baseline. It always throws me off when my non-wave time feels worse than it did earlier in the process. I have to remind myself that healing is not linear and this is still normal. In better news, I have had two pain-free, clear headed, good days since I last posted, and I’m feeling pretty thankful for those.

 

I appreciate everyone’s encouragement so much!!

 

Beauty

 

Yay! This is awesome.  I’m so happy for you.  Be good to yourself.

[[Sc...]]

Hello, anyone. I’ve been on diazepam for 6 months now. I’m having a hard time switching from the Teva 5mgs to Teva 2mgs. I switched in January 7th. I even updose from 7.5mgs to 8 mgs then. Today I only took 4mgs and feel like I’m smothering, body buzzing and head pressure. I’ve held for 1 month at 8mgs. Flashing white lights in both eyes are getting worse and having night terrors. I just know I’m going to die tonight! The 5 mgs worked well for 3 months. As soon as I switched to the 2mgs everything got worse. No windows. I am terrified. I don’t want to ct and I don’t want my 10 year old son to find me dead. My bp is 144/100. My dr told me I no longer needed them in October. Hound I switch back to the 5mgs and taper from there? I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I’m tired. I think my body is just shutting down . Thanks for any feedback.

[[Sc...]]

Hi Scorpio,

 

So sorry to see you're feeling this bad! I hope it may improve very soon!

 

Perhaps you could go back to using 5 mg pills. And cut / shave off till you have the weight you need to take.

When I changed from 5 to 2 mgs I had big issues too, so I changed back.

This stuff us so awful, it's poison.

 

Hold on! I wish you all the strenght you need right now!

 

TS

Thank you. I took only 4mgs at 4:30 pm yesterday. I went to sleep at 12am woke up at 2:30am and feel better. I’m just so scared that I’m allergic to diazepam now and I’ll have to ct! When you switched mgs pills were they the same brand? Mine are Teva. I just want to do this safely.

[[Tr...]]

Hi,

 

Glad you got some sleep and feel a bit better now!

 

Yes, both are from Teva. But somehow I felt I reacted to the 5 and 2 in different ways. I switched back for a while to let things settle down. After that I found it much easier to use the 2 mgs only.

Try not to worry too much. If you were allergic to Diazepam you would have noticed that after you started taking it 6 months ago. I wouldn't taper until feeling more stable again. Try to give your body and mind (!) some rest.

Hope your psychiatrist can be of some help tomorrow. But don't let him take charge, you decide what to do!

 

Best of luck.

[[Sc...]]

Hi,

 

Glad you got some sleep and feel a bit better now!

 

Yes, both are from Teva. But somehow I felt I reacted to the 5 and 2 in different ways. I switched back for a while to let things settle down. After that I found it much easier to use the 2 mgs only.

Try not to worry too much. If you were allergic to Diazepam you would have noticed that after you started taking it 6 months ago. I wouldn't taper until feeling more stable again. Try to give your body and mind (!) some rest.

Hope your psychiatrist can be of some help tomorrow. But don't let him take charge, you decide what to do!

 

Best of luck.

Thanks for the quick response. How are feeling? When were you able to go back to the 2mgs? I’m just hoping for the best but expect the worse. How do you find hope?

[[Tr...]]

Hello Scorpio,

 

I'm not doing too well at the moment: I think I 'm going to hold for a week or two in order to hopefully stabelise somewhat. As you can tell from my signature I 'm now at 1,6 mg. It's hard to resist the temptation to get off these meds asap. But that's very unwise, so I won't do that.

I live alone and my siblings just will not accept the battle I 'm fighting. So it's hard sometimes to keep hope. But it's the only way to go. We have to keep hope and trust that we're going to make it ! The very large windows I've had last year are a sign of hope that, one day, it's going to be okay again.

 

Keep hoping and believing you're going to be well again!

 

TS

 

 

[[Sc...]]

Hello Scorpio,

 

I'm not doing too well at the moment: I think I 'm going to hold for a week or two in order to hopefully stabelise somewhat. As you can tell from my signature I 'm now at 1,6 mg. It's hard to resist the temptation to get off these meds asap. But that's very unwise, so I won't do that.

I live alone and my siblings just will not accept the battle I 'm fighting. So it's hard sometimes to keep hope. But it's the only way to go. We have to keep hope and trust that we're going to make it ! The very large windows I've had last year are a sign of hope that, one day, it's going to be okay again.

 

Keep hoping and believing you're going to be well again!

 

TS

 

 

. I’m sorry that you’re going through this too. My family doesn’t understand either. I have no hope. You’re a lot stronger than me. I was doing well on the diazepam at first. But now I’m not. I’m so afraid of going ct. I hope you feel better soon.

[[Tr...]]

Good morning LHSG hoping everyone has a better day.

Morning twiny glad the wee man is keeping you on your toes l think you need to be kept occupied.Sorry to hear the pots etc has increased just don't cut too much honey and also work on calming the anxiety which l believe will elevate a lot of the symptoms.Do you do breathing exercises etc? Don't allow those catastrophic thoughts to run riot.These are difficult times for everyone so we have to take this one day at a time and do the best we can.

The fam are doing well and keeping as healthy as possible.l got a lighter cast on yesterday so hopefully l can move about a little more.No option but to rest and binge watch TV just finished The Fall which l enjoyed.l can't write very often hopefully l will drop in next week for a catch up.Keep your chin up.love you my lST X

Morning Val l am sorry to read you are in a wave.l really hope that it does pass however it does take a very long time.l believe it will.l know it is so damn soul destroying but you will get there.The depression for me lifted after holding for about 5 months have to say it dipped in again at times however it didn't last long.l wish you could get treatment for your pain no doubt the pain and depression are going hand in hand.Hang in there honey you will turn a corner.look after yourself and your beautiful daughter.love you X

Morning everyone else quiet here l really hope everyone is doing ok.Thinking of you all.Sending my love.X

Oh my twinny how I miss you and your wise words. I'm afraid I'm not doing well at all. My son is drinking again and I'm so heartbroken, beyond words heartbroken😭😭 I have become so attached to my youngest grandson and everytime I look at him my heart aches an ache that is indescribable. I almost feel like it could kill me. My dil says she is leaving him and I hope she does but it's so heart wrenching bc his boys love him. And twinny my grandson's will be growing up without their father living with them😭😭😭 I honestly don't know where to put all this pain. I thought wd was bad well nothing quite compares to the agony I'm going though right now. It makes wd feel like a walk in the park.

I'm so sorry to unload all that but I just don't know where to put all this pain.😭

 

I so hope you're feeling better and healing quickly. Please stay safe and don't push yourself.

Love you lots! LST 😘❤️

[Guest [...]]

Has anyone had the engorged breasts?

 

Like seriously, they look like when I was pregnant and then breastfeeding!

They are huge!!!

 

I had a mammogram at the end of Sept and they were the tiniest flapjacks you ever saw.

 

I think all my setbacks are from being given Versed at the colonoscopy in late Oct. - haven't been the same since

 

My period went missing again, I think that's because I tapered a tiny amount

 

Please tell me these engorged breasts go away!!

 

They are ridiculous and hurt! I used to sleep on my stomach too! Can't anymore

 

Does everyone find that they have pain in all the old injury sites, my wrist hurts where I had carpal tunnel, my elbow where I had tennis elbow, my ankle, where I sprained it, my c-section scar!!

 

I feel particularly down these last few days because of all the time I'm missing with my girls, and I now realize that it may take me years to get off this poison and I won't be functional at all, so my youngest who is almost 15, might be all grown up before I'm even remotely better!

 

How does one wrap their brain around that!

 

Winnie  :'(

 

I had such a good window last week

[[tr...]]

Winnie: I'm so sorry I can't relate to the engorgement....focus on those windows, make the best of them, and remember they do return.

It doesn't help you're in the middle of winter and restrictions. spring will come and on your good days you will have more options to spent time with your kids o your good days!

[[Ol...]]

So sorry Trishy, sending you love