Under .125 Klonopin Club

[[...]]

That's lovely news Bob!!!  Hurray for a window.

 

WW- I hope the rest of your trip went well.

 

Kristin- I hope you are doing well, balancing out that energy and not overdoing it.

 

I hopefully am nearing the end of my wave?  Fingers crossed.  I have a bunch of appointments this week, and it's just frightening to me because I never know how awful I might feel that morning.  I never know if I am going to get a terrible night's sleep or have nausea and a migraine.  The worst is tomorrow, because I have two big things to do tomorrow.  I hate the timing and even if I was fine, this would be an annoyingly large amount to do in one day. 

 

I am having some anxiety, but it's getting better.  I am running out of my .25 tablets.  I only have enough till Friday and then I will need to mix my .5 tablets into liquid again.  Hopefully I won't experience any weird effects from that.  I have to take it easy though.  Nothing extra and try to stay calm. 

GreenCup,

It does suck to have too much going on resulting in anxiety induced insomnia.

Maybe you can get to bed early to balance things if the night is rough.

[[Ro...]]

Hello all you lovely people!

i am just now at .125mg klonopin per day and have started experiencing the first bout of what may be some rough/unpleasant symptoms, ear ache/pressure and night sweats, all day sweats really if i am honest!

Is this group strictly for those UNDER .125, or do i meet criteria at .125?

I am not a regular poster, but i think i might need some advice/communication with others who have experience with what i might be facing in the coming weeks and months.

[[...]]

Hello all you lovely people!

i am just now at .125mg klonopin per day and have started experiencing the first bout of what may be some rough/unpleasant symptoms, ear ache/pressure and night sweats, all day sweats really if i am honest!

Is this group strictly for those UNDER .125, or do i meet criteria at .125?

I am not a regular poster, but i think i might need some advice/communication with others who have experience with what i might be facing in the coming weeks and months.

Congratulations on reaching 0.125 mg.  I take it you split your 0.5mg pill into 1/4 size parts.

Once you get lower, you will find all kinds of good ideas to help you taper to smaller bits.

[[Gr...]]

Welcome Rosabell!  I have had night sweats too. 

 

Well, so I guess I scheduled too much today, because I was able to go to my first appointment and then just cancel what I was supposed to do the rest of the day.  It was too much, and I got a slight migraine this afternoon, but took aspirin right away, and tried to relax, and after a few hours, I was okay again. 

 

My limitations are more than I realized.  I am starting to think my anger, and most of my problems, are due to being tired, or having low energy, which I guess is from my sleep being messed up from benzos. 

 

I am curious as to what exactly needs to heal for my sleep to recover.  I wish I could help it somehow. 

 

I gotta say, once I cancelled my obligation for this afternoon, I did feel slightly better.  Just relieving the stress of trying to do too much felt  very good. 

[[...]]

Welcome Rosabell!  I have had night sweats too. 

 

Well, so I guess I scheduled too much today, because I was able to go to my first appointment and then just cancel what I was supposed to do the rest of the day.  It was too much, and I got a slight migraine this afternoon, but took aspirin right away, and tried to relax, and after a few hours, I was okay again. 

 

My limitations are more than I realized.  I am starting to think my anger, and most of my problems, are due to being tired, or having low energy, which I guess is from my sleep being messed up from benzos. 

 

I am curious as to what exactly needs to heal for my sleep to recover.  I wish I could help it somehow. 

 

I gotta say, once I cancelled my obligation for this afternoon, I did feel slightly better.  Just relieving the stress of trying to do too much felt  very good. 

 

GreenCup,

I think you are spot on with reducing obligations to help sleep recover.

 

I still have to work - 3 days a week in the office and 2 days working from home.  My sleep is much worse on nights before a day in the office.

 

It is all about turning off the brain.  I get worked up about stress at work and the impact to my sleep is clearly related.

 

As we recover from Klonopin, we need to learn coping methods to turn off our brains so we can sleep.  I am learning all kinds of mental methods to reduce my anxiety - to relax my thinking - to shut off my head - and when I do them well, I sleep well.

 

Perhaps we should start a post called "Sharing methods to turn off our thinking so we can sleep".

 

[[Ro...]]

Quote from: Rosabell on June 26, 2018, 08:11:08 pm

 

    Hello all you lovely people!

    i am just now at .125mg klonopin per day and have started experiencing the first bout of what may be some rough/unpleasant symptoms, ear ache/pressure and night sweats, all day sweats really if i am honest!

    Is this group strictly for those UNDER .125, or do i meet criteria at .125?

    I am not a regular poster, but i think i might need some advice/communication with others who have experience with what i might be facing in the coming weeks and months.

 

Congratulations on reaching 0.125 mg.  I take it you split your 0.5mg pill into 1/4 size parts.

Once you get lower, you will find all kinds of good ideas to help you taper to smaller bits.

 

Hi Bob,

 

i actually have .25mg pills that i split into 1/4's.

I don't know if i will be able to split them any further so i have to think about a liquid taper in the near future.

i have a psychiatrist appointment coming up, so will maybe ask her to write a prescription for liquid to see how that goes.

I have been fairly lucky with my taper so far and haven't had really any symptoms that were unmanageable, just felt a but flu-ish for a couple weeks after a cut. However, this last cut from .1875 to .125, i have noticed a few more issues that are not going away as quickly as they have before, most notable the ear pressure and the sweating.

i am hoping that a more gentle taper will help with this.

It is amazing to read all of the stories of people who have conquered the same mountain i am trying to climb, and am thankful that there are those who went before me that i can receive advice and encouragement from.

 

Cheers!

[[...]]

Quote from: Rosabell on June 26, 2018, 08:11:08 pm

 

    Hello all you lovely people!

    i am just now at .125mg klonopin per day and have started experiencing the first bout of what may be some rough/unpleasant symptoms, ear ache/pressure and night sweats, all day sweats really if i am honest!

    Is this group strictly for those UNDER .125, or do i meet criteria at .125?

    I am not a regular poster, but i think i might need some advice/communication with others who have experience with what i might be facing in the coming weeks and months.

 

Congratulations on reaching 0.125 mg.  I take it you split your 0.5mg pill into 1/4 size parts.

Once you get lower, you will find all kinds of good ideas to help you taper to smaller bits.

 

Hi Bob,

 

i actually have .25mg pills that i split into 1/4's.

I don't know if i will be able to split them any further so i have to think about a liquid taper in the near future.

i have a psychiatrist appointment coming up, so will maybe ask her to write a prescription for liquid to see how that goes.

I have been fairly lucky with my taper so far and haven't had really any symptoms that were unmanageable, just felt a but flu-ish for a couple weeks after a cut. However, this last cut from .1875 to .125, i have noticed a few more issues that are not going away as quickly as they have before, most notable the ear pressure and the sweating.

i am hoping that a more gentle taper will help with this.

It is amazing to read all of the stories of people who have conquered the same mountain i am trying to climb, and am thankful that there are those who went before me that i can receive advice and encouragement from.

 

Cheers!

Oh, I recall my cut from 0.1875 to 0.125.  That was the most difficult drop for some reason.  I had chest pains so bad I went to the ER thinking heart attack.  I checked out fine but it took an 8 week hold to recover enough to start tapering again. 

 

From that point on, I just do micro-tapers.  I do a dry taper (mixing with dry stuff and weighing on scale) to taper 0.001 mg per day. 

I am now down to about 0.058 mg and it has been tolerable for me.

Going slow and steady seems to be the ticket for me.

 

 

[[be...]]

Hello!  I finally made it to under .125 and could use suggestions.  I have been reducing by .002 mg each day for a little over 2 months.  On  average, I will hold about 2 days a week and have been able to reduce the other 5 days.  My side effects are mainly anxiety (sometimes panic ) and sleep disruption.  I saw Bob is reducing by .001 mg a day and doing good.  I'm considering slowing it down to that rate and maybe being more comfortable.  On the other hand,  I'm getting impatient to be done and don't want to double the time I need to finish unless I need to.  Any suggestions?

[[...]]

Hello!  I finally made it to under .125 and could use suggestions.  I have been reducing by .002 mg each day for a little over 2 months.  On  average, I will hold about 2 days a week and have been able to reduce the other 5 days.  My side effects are mainly anxiety (sometimes panic ) and sleep disruption.  I saw Bob is reducing by .001 mg a day and doing good.  I'm considering slowing it down to that rate and maybe being more comfortable.  On the other hand,  I'm getting impatient to be done and don't want to double the time I need to finish unless I need to.  Any suggestions?

Welcome to the "Under .125 Club".

 

Looking at your signature history, I do have a few suggestions/thoughts.

 

Since you have been doing 0.002 mg per day reduction for 2 months and you are handling it (at least it is tolerable), you could stay at that rate and be done in 63 days or so.

 

However, since you say you must hold 2 out of 7 days and even then you have anxiety and sleep disruption, you would do well to drop to 0.001 mg per day.  I know that means it take twice as long to be done but I can tell you, at 0.001 mg per day, I never have to hold.  Sure, I get some nights in which sleep is very difficult but that is usually in conjunction with some big stress at work (e.g. I need to give a stand up presentation or I am on business travel).

 

But in general, if work is calm, I sleep ok most of the time and my anxiety is never so bad I would call it a panic attack. 

 

Also, as you get closer to being zero klonopin, the more you need to learn non-drug methods to cope with anxiety.  Most of us got on Klonopin because with did not learn to cope with life stress (anxiety) in natural ways.  So please, start investigating calming techniques.  You must learn to replace the Klonopin with natural ways to get rid of anxiety.  Things like "live in the present" - do not let your brain hyperfocus on the future or dwell on the past.  Always stay in the moment.  Never ask what could happen in the future.  Learn to turn off your brain.  Other people use breathing techniques and yoga.

 

Hope this input helps.

 

[[Li...]]

Hello all,

I think I am close enough to finally join this group! I have been dry cutting by .001 grams every day and now I am down to .044 grams (just about .125 mg). I had posted previously about wanting to jump at .125 because I am home for the summer. My doctor and everyone on this forum advised against it and now I can see why! The past couple of weeks have been hard and I realized that I am going to fast and need to slow down!  Mostly, on bad days, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin and for some reason-it is worse when I am driving! Today is a good day so far! I also have some other neurological issues that I am dealing with (the reason for taking the Klonopin).

 

Wonderwoman- Thanks for starting this group. I can see that going from .125 to 0 will be harder than it sounds! We need to support each other!

 

Greencup- I am glad that you allowed yourself time to slow down. This is something that I am also working on. The other day, when I was having a bad day, I said to myself- I am allowing you to rest and relax! It makes such a difference. We need to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves time ot work on healing!

 

Bob- Congrats on 50%! I love the idea of celebrating milestones!

 

Beth- It sounds like our journey has been similar. I can relate to wanting to be done but .002 every day is more than 10% a week. That is a huge cut at this point!

 

I would also like to share that I went to a Gentle Yoga class on Thursday (I haven’t been to a Yoga class in awhile). It made such a huge difference-Relaxed my mind and body. I highly recommend trying to go to a class. She also did some Thai massage and reiki!

I also bought a DVD- Gentle Yoga with Jane Adams- it is great if you can’t get out of the house!

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend and some SLEEP!!!

 

 

 

[[...]]

Hello all,

I think I am close enough to finally join this group! I have been dry cutting by .001 grams every day and now I am down to .044 grams (just about .125 mg). I had posted previously about wanting to jump at .125 because I am home for the summer. My doctor and everyone on this forum advised against it and now I can see why! The past couple of weeks have been hard and I realized that I am going to fast and need to slow down!  Mostly, on bad days, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin and for some reason-it is worse when I am driving! Today is a good day so far! I also have some other neurological issues that I am dealing with (the reason for taking the Klonopin).

 

Wonderwoman- Thanks for starting this group. I can see that going from .125 to 0 will be harder than it sounds! We need to support each other!

 

Greencup- I am glad that you allowed yourself time to slow down. This is something that I am also working on. The other day, when I was having a bad day, I said to myself- I am allowing you to rest and relax! It makes such a difference. We need to be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves time ot work on healing!

 

Bob- Congrats on 50%! I love the idea of celebrating milestones!

 

Beth- It sounds like our journey has been similar. I can relate to wanting to be done but .002 every day is more than 10% a week. That is a huge cut at this point!

 

I would also like to share that I went to a Gentle Yoga class on Thursday (I haven’t been to a Yoga class in awhile). It made such a huge difference-Relaxed my mind and body. I highly recommend trying to go to a class. She also did some Thai massage and reiki!

I also bought a DVD- Gentle Yoga with Jane Adams- it is great if you can’t get out of the house!

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend and some SLEEP!!!

Welcome to the group.

It is a great bunch of people.

I think you are very smart to do yoga.  As we get off the klonopin, we need to learn non-drug ways to cope with anxiety and sleep issues.  Try to live in the present is my motto!

 

[[be...]]

Thanks for your suggestions Bob and Lily.  Today, I started reducing by .001 mg.  I think it will help, as it has in the past when I have slowed down.  I didn't realize my cuts were that big.  I'm a lot better at handling stress than when I was first had the Klonopin prescribed.  I have noticed a lot of positive things since starting to come off.  My legs are stronger and I have more energy.

                                                                                                                          Beth

[[Gr...]]

Welcome Beth and Lily! 

 

I am trying to take care of myself and not overdue it and I am basically bowing out of any and all 4th of July celebration that I previously, for some reason, thought I could do.    I am the most disappointed about this.  Even my 9 year old son is fine with this.  It's just so frustrating to not be able to do things, and not have the energy to do them, even if they need being done and you want to do them. 

 

I went shopping today, and I overdid it just a little bit.  I did that this afternoon, but then, around 7:30pm. everything started annoying me all to hell.  I was snapping at anyone who talked to him. 

 

On the upside, last night, I closed my eyes, being very very tired, at midnight, and I didn't open them again until 7am!!!!  It was a pretty good nights sleep and I didn't take anything at all last night either. 

 

How is everyone else doing?  Kristin?  WW? 

Bob you are making amazing progress.  If you keep going at this rate, do you know your end date?

[[...]]

Welcome Beth and Lily! 

 

I am trying to take care of myself and not overdue it and I am basically bowing out of any and all 4th of July celebration that I previously, for some reason, thought I could do.    I am the most disappointed about this.  Even my 9 year old son is fine with this.  It's just so frustrating to not be able to do things, and not have the energy to do them, even if they need being done and you want to do them. 

 

I went shopping today, and I overdid it just a little bit.  I did that this afternoon, but then, around 7:30pm. everything started annoying me all to hell.  I was snapping at anyone who talked to him. 

 

On the upside, last night, I closed my eyes, being very very tired, at midnight, and I didn't open them again until 7am!!!!  It was a pretty good nights sleep and I didn't take anything at all last night either. 

 

How is everyone else doing?  Kristin?  WW? 

Bob you are making amazing progress.  If you keep going at this rate, do you know your end date?

Thanks for the kind note GreenCup.  If I can maintain this .001 mg taper I’ll be done by the end of August.

 

It might be too soon to say this but I think I’m starting to feel better overall getting off this poison.

  Something is changing inside of me.

 

I am sorry to hear you and so many other friends suffer. For me it’s hardest when the external anxiety factors get bad.  When work stresses me out my sleep suffers unless I really try hard with meditation to calm down.

[[Wo...]]

Just dropping by to say hi. I’m never on here anymore that must be a good sign.

 

Down to .017. I figure 6 more weeks to jump.

 

Lots of love to you all!!

 

 

[[...]]

Just dropping by to say hi. I’m never on here anymore that must be a good sign.

 

Down to .017. I figure 6 more weeks to jump.

 

Lots of love to you all!!

Good for you - keep it up!

[[fl...]]

Hello All, I returned from Ireland on Saturday.  The trip was challenging, to say the least, but I survived and even had a few amazing days and one absolutely peak experience.  I also had two panic attacks, a lot of nausea, too little food, too little sleep, a lot of depression, severe anxiety, and dp/dr.  I managed quite a bit of hiking---our longest day was 10.5 miles---though I always crashed hard the next day.  All in all, it was the right thing to do, though I never could've done it without the absolute support of my husband, who was all in.  He got food poisoning and was up all night throwing up the last four days, so he didn't have an easy time of it in any way.  I think the biggest thing I learned was that I didn't have to guard my sleep so jealously.  I've been sleeping with my husband since our return and it's been fine.  If I'm going to sleep, I sleep, if not, I don't, and his trips to the bathroom are not going to change that.  I was really dreading coming home, the scene of so much misery over the past months and even years.  I did sleep some Saturday night, but yesterday was one of the worst days I've ever had.  I felt completely hopeless and scared and anxious.  We Facetimed with our son and daughter-in-law and their two-week-old baby in Oregon and I was just inconsolable afterwards, feeling I couldn't bear not living near them, not getting to really experience my grandchild's growing up.  This has been a constant theme in my withdrawal: separation and loss and loneliness.  Then I went to a close friend's partner's memorial gathering and held her grandchild for two hours.  During the afternoon, like you, Bob, I started to feel something changing inside of me.  I read Eastcoast62's Success Story last night and ended up reading many of her posts. While her story is very different from mine, we are the same age, and my age and lengthy usage have been a big source of stress for me, so it was wildly encouraging to read about her journey and also read the words that she has written to others.  I woke up in the night and said to my wakeful husband, "I feel like shit and I can't sleep, but I think I'm going to heal."

 

Welcome, Lily, Rosabell, and Beth!

 

Bob--I'd like to hear what you use to turn off your brain; it's so hard for me to do.

 

Scaredie---I hope you're finding support.

 

NJS---Boy, did I ever think about you on this trip.  I had so much nausea.  I have to say, I can't help thinking that the CBD oil had something to do with it.  I know it's supposed to help with nausea, but others have reported nausea with use.  I also had the panic attacks when using it, although I also used it without having attacks.  I don't know.  Anyway, boy do I ever feel for you for having to cope with the nausea.  I've had it plenty during this ordeal, but not to the extent that I had it on this trip; horrible.

 

WW---Sounds like you've had some ups and downs, but that you're moving onward and upward.  Congratulations!

 

Kristin and GreenCup---I so relate to all of what you've said about energy and overdoing; it's such a difficult balance.  It's also awful having to miss out on special occasions.  Weekends have been so hard during this ordeal---I always imagine everyone out having fun (Bob, this is what I need help with).

 

No, GreenCup, I didn't jump on my trip, but tomorrow I'll take my last dose of klonopin---.001 mg.  I'll be able to leave the space where it says "medications" on health forms completely blank.  It's a milestone, for sure, after taking something every day for 10,000 days.  Right now, for whatever reason, I feel more like weeping than celebrating.  It's so emotional for me looking back over these incredibly painful months, and, as I said earlier, I know I'm not finished.  I do feel a major shift, though, and it makes me feel that I did the right thing---for me---keeping going.  There seems to be some truth for me in "getting the poison out of the system."  If I had children at home to care for or a job, I may have done things differently, but I think this was right for me.  We'll see; I'll keep you posted.  I hope everyone is doing well!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[NJ...]]

Hello All, I returned from Ireland on Saturday.  The trip was challenging, to say the least, but I survived and even had a few amazing days and one absolutely peak experience.  I also had two panic attacks, a lot of nausea, too little food, too little sleep, a lot of depression, severe anxiety, and dp/dr.  I managed quite a bit of hiking---our longest day was 10.5 miles---though I always crashed hard the next day.  All in all, it was the right thing to do, though I never could've done it without the absolute support of my husband, who was all in.  He got food poisoning and was up all night throwing up the last four days, so he didn't have an easy time of it in any way.  I think the biggest thing I learned was that I didn't have to guard my sleep so jealously.  I've been sleeping with my husband since our return and it's been fine.  If I'm going to sleep, I sleep, if not, I don't, and his trips to the bathroom are not going to change that.  I was really dreading coming home, the scene of so much misery over the past months and even years.  I did sleep some Saturday night, but yesterday was one of the worst days I've ever had.  I felt completely hopeless and scared and anxious.  We Facetimed with our son and daughter-in-law and their two-week-old baby in Oregon and I was just inconsolable afterwards, feeling I couldn't bear not living near them, not getting to really experience my grandchild's growing up.  This has been a constant theme in my withdrawal: separation and loss and loneliness.  Then I went to a close friend's partner's memorial gathering and held her grandchild for two hours.  During the afternoon, like you, Bob, I started to feel something changing inside of me.  I read Eastcoast62's Success Story last night and ended up reading many of her posts. While her story is very different from mine, we are the same age, and my age and lengthy usage have been a big source of stress for me, so it was wildly encouraging to read about her journey and also read the words that she has written to others.  I woke up in the night and said to my wakeful husband, "I feel like shit and I can't sleep, but I think I'm going to heal."

 

Welcome, Lily, Rosabell, and Beth!

 

Bob--I'd like to hear what you use to turn off your brain; it's so hard for me to do.

 

Scaredie---I hope you're finding support.

 

NJS---Boy, did I ever think about you on this trip.  I had so much nausea.  I have to say, I can't help thinking that the CBD oil had something to do with it.  I know it's supposed to help with nausea, but others have reported nausea with use.  I also had the panic attacks when using it, although I also used it without having attacks.  I don't know.  Anyway, boy do I ever feel for you for having to cope with the nausea.  I've had it plenty during this ordeal, but not to the extent that I had it on this trip; horrible.

 

WW---Sounds like you've had some ups and downs, but that you're moving onward and upward.  Congratulations!

 

Kristin and GreenCup---I so relate to all of what you've said about energy and overdoing; it's such a difficult balance.  It's also awful having to miss out on special occasions.  Weekends have been so hard during this ordeal---I always imagine everyone out having fun (Bob, this is what I need help with).

 

No, GreenCup, I didn't jump on my trip, but tomorrow I'll take my last dose of klonopin---.001 mg.  I'll be able to leave the space where it says "medications" on health forms completely blank.  It's a milestone, for sure, after taking something every day for 10,000 days.  Right now, for whatever reason, I feel more like weeping than celebrating.  It's so emotional for me looking back over these incredibly painful months, and, as I said earlier, I know I'm not finished.  I do feel a major shift, though, and it makes me feel that I did the right thing---for me---keeping going.  There seems to be some truth for me in "getting the poison out of the system."  If I had children at home to care for or a job, I may have done things differently, but I think this was right for me.  We'll see; I'll keep you posted.  I hope everyone is doing well!

 

Good for you for such a massive undertaking of a trip like that. I sincerely hope your jump goes well, and it is okay to feel sad that you are at a distance from your grandchild. I would say try to spend as much time as possible with him/her as you can and also just do your best to be involved. My mother in law never took an interest in our kids at all and it is so disheartening, no cards for birthdays, no calls, she doesn't know them but she never made an effort. You can make an effort even from a distance.

 

I have started using some medical marijuana sporadically and it helps tremendously with the nausea.  CBD oil did help but not nearly as much.

[[fl...]]

Thanks, NJS, that is good advice.  It's hard to understand how your mother-in-law could have so little interest in her grandchildren.  I sometimes wish I didn't care as much, but not really, of course.  Does the mm have any other noticeable effects?

 

[[fl...]]

And thanks so much, NJS, for your encouragement!!  I appreciate it so much.

[[NJ...]]

Thanks, NJS, that is good advice.  It's hard to understand how your mother-in-law could have so little interest in her grandchildren.  I sometimes wish I didn't care as much, but not really, of course.  Does the mm have any other noticeable effects?

 

The mm helps with insomnia too although I am having a hard time figuring out dosages. Don't know if I am using enough. I should have used it yesterday but didn't until the middle of the night, by that point I had been getting sick to my stomach for hours. I am afraid to use it as much as I need it right now.

 

It astounds me my mother in law has so little interest in my children (or my husband, her son, and we've never had any issues). These are her only two grandchildren. They are now 16 and 19, so basically grown. We bought a plane ticket to fly her in when I my first was 9 months old so she could meet him as she showed no interest in visiting.

 

I just think that you can be a great grandmother from afar, especially with all the technology there is now. Keep facetiming, soon that little baby will know who you are!

[[fl...]]

My first day off of benzos today, Independence Day, which seems appropriate. As I mentioned in my last post, I have felt a shift over the past few days.  The depression has lifted for now, which is a great blessing, and weirdly, the sizzling sound in my ears that I've had since TMS abruptly stopped this morning---I'm not banking on its stopping forever, but it's nice to have a little peace and quiet for a change.  My legs have been tight and painful and I still feel air hunger, but that's manageable.  The dp/dr has subsided somewhat. My sleeping has gotten better and better since our return from Ireland.  I woke up at 5:45 this morning, after sleeping for 8 hours. I have dropped right off to sleep the last three nights.  The positive changes make me nervous.  I feel like a novice on a high wire, so afraid of falling.  My mood is really unstable, so that even when I'm feeling cheerful, I fear tipping into unhappiness.  It seems like the black moods come for no reason, but I still have a lot of fear and I believe that it precipitates the dark gloominess.  It seems odd that the good stuff has coincided so closely with my getting off---I was not anticipating a turn around at all---and I'm not sure whether there will be a reckoning in a few days, a couple of weeks, or whenever the k's out of my system.  I can't help wishing that I was in the middle of a full life of job and children to segue into, but I waited until things were quiet and I'm going to have to reinvent myself.  I am trying not to think about that now, just to heal, that is my job, and when I'm feeling good and more relaxed I look forward to the reinvention project.  I wish everyone a Happy Fourth.  Some loyal friends are coming over for drinks and a swim in our pond , which feels good; it's been a long, lonely journey. 

[[Gr...]]

Congratulations on your jump Flibberty!!!  Ah, accepting we are not going to get as much sleep as we want is hard, right?  Happy Fourth of July!

 

I have normal stuff to do this week, and I am trying to not stress out about it.  I don't feel like a normal person and I can easily stress over the tiniest things.  I find myself thinking the worst case scenarios about things and then worrying about that outcome and how I would handle it.  It really isn't helpful because preparing for the not likely outcome in way where I just worry about it, doesn't help at all!!!! 

 

I had this funny anger dream last night.  This lady was question my advice about flute playing and I was like, I played flute for years, and even went to competitions when I was young.  And she handed me a flute and I couldn't make a sound out of it.  So I then told her about all my 27 years on benzodiazepines, and the withdrawal and the brain damage and how that was preventing me from reaching my potential, and she was SO MEAN to me about it.  Not empathetic at all.  So I hit her on the head with my flute. 

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Thanks, NJS, that is good advice.  It's hard to understand how your mother-in-law could have so little interest in her grandchildren.  I sometimes wish I didn't care as much, but not really, of course.  Does the mm have any other noticeable effects?

 

The mm helps with insomnia too although I am having a hard time figuring out dosages. Don't know if I am using enough. I should have used it yesterday but didn't until the middle of the night, by that point I had been getting sick to my stomach for hours. I am afraid to use it as much as I need it right now.

 

It astounds me my mother in law has so little interest in my children (or my husband, her son, and we've never had any issues). These are her only two grandchildren. They are now 16 and 19, so basically grown. We bought a plane ticket to fly her in when I my first was 9 months old so she could meet him as she showed no interest in visiting.

 

I just think that you can be a great grandmother from afar, especially with all the technology there is now. Keep facetiming, soon that little baby will know who you are!

Hey NJ - what are mm sleep help?

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Thank you, Greencup!  Haha!  That is a very funny dream!  Very familiar sentiments, as is the worry.  I hope you get what you need to do done this week with the least stress possible!

 

Back in the trenches here, with depression and anxiety, little sleep, myoclonic jerks.  Guess I'm not quite healed yet, ha.  I shouldn't have gone to the fireworks last night.  Hard to go places, hard to stay home.