I Got My Life Back – Thank God!

[[ka...]]

Theway2 you are heroic. Here here to living in the midwest as we change seasons!

[[Th...]]

Thanks...I love the 4 seasons and living in the Midwest! 

[[2c...]]

Thanks for this!!  I think for those of us still tapering that are very ill think that it will never  end and some of us feel we will die from this can feel encouraged that others felt exactly the same and have made it through.

 

I also agree about taking breaks from this site.  It has been invaluable for information and encouragement but sometimes it’s just too much. I find I fixate on all the negative sometimes.

 

I am so glad you are doing well.  We will all get there!

 

[[Th...]]

Thanks 2catsintheyard

 

Yes, you will get there one fine day!

 

Keep on keeping on and remember that each passing day brings you one day closer to the finish line!

 

 

[[Sh...]]

Bump

[[we...]]

Wow, what an incredible amount of will power!

 

On average I get 7 hours of broken sleep and I still can't get myself to study and walk everyday, but here you managed to keep working and walk two miles a day! Very impressive! How'd you manage your exhaustion?

 

And thanks for sharing!

[[...]]

Thank you ver y much, it helps a lot messages lime yours. Thank you from the heart, God bless you. :smitten:

[[Th...]]

Wow, what an incredible amount of will power!

 

On average I get 7 hours of broken sleep and I still can't get myself to study and walk everyday, but here you managed to keep working and walk two miles a day! Very impressive! How'd you manage your exhaustion?

 

And thanks for sharing!

 

It's funny you mention "will power" because I literally had zero at first.  I did not handle my withdrawal very well about the first 6 months off and thought I could "bitch and complain" my way out of it.  LOL!  After I accepted that the only way out was "through the healing and recovery process" I did a lot better.  I had to work because I had bills to pay and a family that counted on me to keep working to take care of them.  The strange thing is that I was tired but also wired at the same time pretty much all the time until sleep slowly came back.  I guess I got used to feeling exhausted and didn't notice it as much after a while.

 

I am still convinced that to this day that how you "respond" to your situation makes a lot of difference.  It doesn't make the symptoms go away, but makes getting through them so much easier in the long run.

 

Hang in there.  This all ends one day! 

[[Jo...]]

Good for you! Thanks for sharing!

[[Be...]]

Update: October 2020.  I made a few changes (grammar) and added some updates to my recovery and healing story! 

 

I started taking Benzos back in January of 2016 for some sleep issues.  Started with Xanax .5mg and then quickly went up to 2 mg by June.  When those stopped working they put me on Temazepam and Klonopin at the same time!  Took that for another 8 weeks and finished with a few days of Valium.  I kept building tolerance so my sleep got worse and worse over time.  At first, the Xanax could put me out for 8 hours, then it went to 7, 6, 5, 4, you get the picture.  So, I had to up the dose to 2mg and that quickly faded as well.  I was taking 3mg of Klonopin and 30mg of Temazepam at the same time.  Found out later that the effect of taking 2 Benzos at the same time is magnified by 30% for some!  Most doctors are not very smart when it comes to Benzos and apparently I wasn’t either as I continued to take whatever they told me to.  They even wanted me to try Haldol, no thanks, check out the side effects from that heavy hitter!  Even the Pharmacist said it could cause permanent uncontrolled jerks/movements in my arms, legs, neck, etc.

 

I quit Xanax cold turkey when I switched to the Klonopin and Temazepam.  I quit both of those cold turkey as well as my doctor told me that I wasn’t on them long enough to have withdrawal or seizures.  I took Valium for 2 nights about a week after I CT’ed the benzos.  In all, I was on Benzos for just over 6 months.  Then I found Benzo Buddies.  I joined in August 2016 under the name ThEwAy but had my account deleted so I wouldn't be tempted to come on this site after being on it for almost 8 months. It’s what I needed to do at the time.  You can go back and look at some of my early posts.  I rejoined under my current name. ThEwAy2.

 

My sleep went from what I thought was decent to 2 hours or less a night.  As soon as I quit cold turkey, I started with the zero-hour nights.  They were horrific as many of you know.  I would often go for 3 and sometimes 4 nights in a row with zero sleep.  This lasted about 9 months.  Along with the brutal insomnia I had a plethora of other symptoms including claustrophobia to the point where I couldn’t even go into a large store and I had to spend my nights on the sofa with the front door open.  I also had Panic attacks, burning skin, intrusive and looping thoughts, muscle twitches, major constipation, GI issues (Benzo Belly) noise sensitivity, clenched jaw, ringing ears, suicidal ideation, horrible anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, Issues breathing, head pressure, rashes, vibrations, etc. 

 

I literally thought I was going to die.  I seriously considered quitting my job that I usually like and have been doing for 29 years.  It got so bad that my mother-in-law was talking to my brothers and other family members and was trying to get me committed to a psych ward. The doctors thought I was crazy and so did my wife and kids.  They didn't think it was a withdrawal problem, they thought it was mental illness. I was in 4 different Emergency rooms over a one-month period and all they wanted to do was put me on more drugs.  I tried a bunch of other non-benzo drugs that really didn’t work for sleep for more than a night or 2.  Then I found Benzo Buddies and took the advice of some veteran Buddies that said my best bet was to get off of everything.  So, I quit taking the Remeron and Seroquel and all of the other garbage they had me on--and it was a lot of different things.  I usually only took them for a day or two and when they didn't work, I flushed them.  The best thing I ever did was stop taking everything and let my brain learn how to heal and to sleep on its own again.  I even avoided all OTC and natural sleep aids and supplements. I don't think they are bad, but I just wanted to be completely free of everything.  For those considering CBT-I for sleep or Sleep Restriction or any other sleep hygiene method, I don't think they work well for withdrawal insomnia.  They didn't for me.  The other thing to keep in mind is that you don't need 8 hours of sleep a night.  That is a myth.  You can function normally on much less.  And you DON'T have fatal insomnia.  I think most people (myself included) believed they have that at one point or another, but you don't.  It is ALL withdrawal.

 

I thought I would never get better and considered suicide, but was too chicken to ever follow through or even attempt it.  I think the thought of having a “way out” made WD more tolerable?  I would call the 800 prevention lines from time-to-time just to talk to someone.  So, for those of you contemplating suicide, my advice would be think about it but never act on anything.  Don’t keep anything around that you could use, such as a weapon, etc. 

 

I live in the Midwest and flew out to Virginia to the Coleman Institute and paid a lot of money in desperation for his Flumazenil treatment.  Unfortunately, it did not work or at least not right away.  It may have shortened the length of my WD? That was in September of 2016.  Right after that I started seeing a Counselor at a Christian Counseling center and then ended up seeing their Psychiatrist.  The counselor and the Psychiatrist were very familiar with Benzo withdrawal as both had worked in some large rehab clinics out east.  Coincidentally the Psychiatrist’s name was also Dr. Coleman.  He told me that I would recover in 1 – 4 months.  I thought he was crazy.  His definition of recovered was sleeping 4-6 hours 95% of the time and having my symptoms reduced 80% or more of where they were currently at.  I was skeptical, but they really helped me through the recovery process.  The only drawback was that it was an hour drive one way to Madison, WI.

 

By January of 2017 I started to get a little sleep maybe 1-3 hours at a time for 2 or 3 nights in a row.  Some of my symptoms started to fade.  However, it was very up and down for a long time.  I went on a cycle where I would get some sleep for one night and then none the next night.  Gradually it got better and better and I started getting sleep for 2, 3 then 4 days in a row.  But those Zero nights were still there and those were the worst, I kept a sleep log and had about 70 zero nights over the first 9 months.  Some good Benzo Buddies, Aloha, Siggy and MTFan were there for me through PMs and in general on forum posts.  They kept telling me I would get better and that I needed to give it more time, and they were right.  And there were also many other BBs to numerous to mention that gave me hope and encouragement by responding to my posts.  Thank you everyone and the BB community!

 

At about 9 months out I started sleeping 5-6 nights per week for at least 4-5 hours.  The sleep was broken but, it really helped me heal.  Within a few weeks a bunch of my symptoms rapidly faded.  About 6 weeks after I started sleeping better most of my symptoms were gone.  It was amazing.  No more anxiety or depression and the dreaded claustrophobia was gone too.  I really started to appreciate and enjoy life again.  Little things made me happy that I used to take for granted pre-benzo.  I was hoping it just wasn’t a window as I read about the windows and waves that most go through. 

 

I had a pretty good stretch of about 9 months of being mostly symptom free and having fairly good sleep every night.  Then in February of 2018 I had a 29-day insomnia only wave that included 4 zero nights and a lot of 1-2 hour nights.  It felt like acute again.  I was freaking out because I had done so well for so long.  But like everything else, that wave ended and my sleep return to a more “normal” pattern.  Things evened out.  I still get a rough patch here and there regarding sleep.  I can remember a few 3 or 4 day periods of very poor sleep at 32 months off and again at 38 months off. My sleep is not perfect but I now average 6-9 hours per night.  I usually wake up 2 -4 times per night, but can usually fall back to sleep fairly quickly.  Other nights it takes an hour or so.  The biggest difference is that I stopped caring if I was getting x amount of sleep each night or not.  That was super hard to do, but got easier and easier over time.  Now, I know I can fall back to sleep when I wake up at 1:00 or 3:00 am and 90% of the time I do fall back asleep.  I also developed a lot coping skills over the years that allow me to easily deal with any sleep issues I have in today.  For the first 9-10 months after my cold turkey, I wouldn’t get tired. I would feel tired, but my brain felt wired.  Now, there are some days that I get so tired I fall asleep on the couch watching TV.  I am writing a lot about sleep as that was my biggest issue and worst symptom that I struggled with besides the Anxiety, depression and claustrophobia.  I had lots of other symptoms too, but they were easier to deal with.

 

The other thing that helped me, besides not worrying if I slept or not, was to take a break from Benzo Buddies.  Please don’t get me wrong, this site has been a great resource for me and has lots of people that have experienced the same things.  Many of you helped me by responding to my posts and reassuring me.  So if you need to be here, please stay and let others going through the same thing help you get through withdrawal.  My issue was that I made everyone else’s recovery timeline, my timeline.  For example, if someone did not start sleeping well until 2 years out, I would say things such as “it might take 2 years or longer for me to start sleeping again.”  That is just how I process things.  So, I took a break from Benzo Buddies and I had a friend lay hands on me and pray for me.  He has the gift of healing.  Some of you will say poppycock, but I believe it as I experienced it.  That was about 2 weeks before I starting sleeping pretty well out of the blue.  I give God the glory and the praise. 

 

I originally claimed success at 15 months off!  But now I would say I was completely healed—100% at 24 months off, with the exception of a poor night of sleep every few months.  I have my life back.  I live the way I used to before this whole benzo ordeal started.  My family and I even went on a 7-day cruise in June of 2017 and it was awesome!  Since then I have been to Florida on a family vacation in 2019 and we had planned to head back in March of 2020, but COVID-19 canceled our trip so we are planning to go again in early April 2021. I want to point out, that when I or anyone else claims success or writes a success story, it really isn’t about what we do, but what we went through to get to where we are now.  If there were some magic diet or supplement to take, the WD world and BB community would know about it by now. Sure some people claim to have had success with NAD+ therapy and “unique” treatments, but Time and God are the only healers I know. 

 

At my worst, I thought about taking the Family Medical Leave Act and taking a bunch of time off, but I used sick days instead.  I ended up taking 21 days spread out over several months.  As I already mentioned, I thought I was going to have to quit my job but, I also learned that I could function pretty well on little or no sleep.  I kept my job and my family…I needed too, I had bills to pay and my family needed me.  Not that I handled it the best...I didn't...to this day whenever we bring up my withdrawal, my wife still says I was out of control, but she still doesn't understand how much benzos make you temporarily mentally ill! I did what I could do to get through the mental torture and there wasn't much to hold onto. All of the medical professionals I saw said I had some other mental illness for which they wanted to “poly drug” me.  There was no way, in their opinion, it had anything to do with Benzos or Benzo WD that none of them believed in anyway. It was always “the drugs are out of your system, you didn’t take a lot or for very long”, blah, blah, blah.  Now that I am healed, I know for a fact (100% sure) it was always the Benzos all along!

 

The other thing that I did that I think helped me recover was eating a clean diet.  I followed Dr. Gundry’s The Plant Paradox diet. his book is called, The Plant Paradox:  The Hidden Dangers in “Healthy” Foods that Cause Disease is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.  I also walked 2 – 4 miles every day even if I got little or no sleep.  It was hard, but it helped me in the long run. I tried to lift weights but that seemed to amp up my symptoms and reduce what little sleep I was getting.  After I healed I begin lifting weights again with no issues.

 

For those still struggling, it will get better. I don’t know when, but it will.  It just takes time and more time.  However, it’s very nonlinear, very UP and DOWN and a real roller coaster ride for most for some time.  There is no Rhyme or Reason to anything.  Expect the Unexpected.  It’s 1 step forward, 2 steps back for most until you start to feel better and most start to feel better between month 18 and 24?  Some sooner and some longer. Symptoms WAX and wane, so don’t freak out if you get a new symptom or something that seemed to go away pops up again.  That’s just the nature of Benzo WD and healing/recovery.

 

The Benzos lie to us all and make us believe we will have symptoms forever.  Not true.  A big fat lie.  In fact, thinking you will never heal is a Benzo WD symptom along with thinking you have every disease possible--hypochondria.  99.9% of the time it’s all Benzo related.  I had every medical test that insurance would pay for and they all came back negative.  It was always Benzo WD.  You will recover, you will get your life back. I did.  I'm 100% healed from the physical and mental symptoms and 99% healed in the sleep department.  Enough to live a great life and enjoy it...and believe me I do.  I wake up every day and thank God for the day and the chance to live it "normally."  Even going to work has been "fun" the past few years.  There isn't much I don't enjoy or appreciate now.  It's like I was given a 2nd chance at life. 

 

I hope my story helps some of you have hope?  I pray for the day when you get your 2nd chance too.  If I had to do it all over again, I would go cold turkey even though it's not recommended.  Yeah, the symptoms were brutal, but for me, I think I recovered faster by getting the poison out of my body as fast as possible?  Everyone needs to decide what is best for them.  Distraction, Acceptance and showing gratitude are keys to recovery.  Remembering that Benzos cause “temporary” damage that your body knows how to heal is worth repeating to yourself every day.  Hang in there, distract, accept and be thankful for any improvement, no matter how small and one day you’ll cross the finish line too!  God’s speed to everyone still going through withdrawal. 

 

 

ThEwAy & ThEwAy2

[/quot

 

Thanks so much for ousting this.  It has helped enormously. 

[[Th...]]

Glad my story helped you or at least gave you hope!

[[ta...]]

Awesome testimony!!!!

[[Th...]]

Thanks tan2020....that's the main reason why I wrote it! 

[Guest [pa...]]

When did your hyperacusis go away? These ear symptoms (hissing, inner ear pressure/pain and hyperacusis) are enough to drive the man insane even without everything else on top of it, and the main Ear Symptoms thread isn't exactly the great source of hope.

[[Tr...]]

I agree pacenik, the Tinnitus thread under the support groups section should rather be deleted altogether. It’s not helping anyone suffering from Tinnitus and annoys the hell out of me. All it does is create panic.

[[Th...]]

@[ p...]

 

The tinnitus and sound sensitivity were separate symptoms for me.  The sound sensitivity went away around month 6 and the tinnitus around month 15, although it still flared up from time-to-time for about the next year. 

 

Today, I only rarely, if ever, notice it.

 

Hang in there, if you never had these symptoms before Benzos, they will end one fine day for sure! 

[[Ch...]]

I agree pacenik, the Tinnitus thread under the support groups section should rather be deleted altogether. It’s not helping anyone suffering from Tinnitus and annoys the hell out of me. All it does is create panic.

I agree as well. At some point I read the whole thread and I was crying as I was seeing the thread OP trying so many medications, taper back and forth, jaw exercises, acoustic neuromodulation, botox injections, sound therapy, hearing aids... every time something new was going to be the solution, except it wasn't. This beast of tinnitus has been worsening two years for me and it's killing me. I tried so many things. There is this paper by Shulman advocating clonazepam plus gabapentin based on brain imaging but those are bad medications in many ways. I wish I knew if my worsening is tolerance or not. I can't go on like this. I could try a large dose. I have no other symptom. I wish the tinnitus club thread were more helpful. At least you listed a few buddies who had success in one of the last posts of that thread.

Having said that, tinnitus is a bad beast. Even tinnitustalk can be quite depressing. However, let's try to stay positive here. I always think of Eugene who was taking clonazepam for tinnitus up to 6mg for 15 years, cold turkeyed and after 14 months of hell healed.

[[Ch...]]

@ pacenik,

 

The tinnitus and sound sensitivity were separate symptoms for me.  The sound sensitivity went away around month 6 and the tinnitus around month 15, although it still flared up from time-to-time for about the next year. 

 

Today, I only rarely, if ever, notice it.

 

Hang in there, if you never had these symptoms before Benzos, they will end one fine day for sure! 

That's encouraging, thank you.

I got tinnitus due to an ear infection but I think withdrawal worsened it a lot. I hope it can go back to baseline even though I don't expect it to disappear. Glad to know you recovered from that sticky symptom.

[[Th...]]

Thanks Chinmoku,

 

It was one of my least troubling symptoms or a symptom that I really didn't worry about too much.  My severe insomnia, claustrophobia, anxiety, depression, DP/DR, SI, burning skin, etc moved to the front of the line! 

 

Hopefully yours will fade and end too! 

[[Tr...]]

I can’t even imagine how Tinnitus can be the least troubling symptom TheWay2. It is so invasive and always there. Oh how I wish it was my least troubling symptom. Chinmoku, wow you have a GOOD memory listing everything from the Tinnitus thread... I’m impressed! TinnitusTalk causes panic for me so I stay away from there... I also remember reading all the different alternative things that was tried on that BB Tinnitus thread and nothing was working, I also felt so hopeless after that.. That’s why I started scanning the success stories looking for people who’s Tinnitus actually healed and put that list together! I hope we will one day also be on that list. I think taking more meds that affect the neurotransmitters can delay the healing so I’m off all the meds and hoping for a miracle. The Tinnitus for me is sounding like electricity or the sound of a needle like Heather Ashton wrote. Like a buzzing. I can’t believe millions of people suffer from this yet there is no cure. So much money could be made from a cure for this.

[[Ch...]]

I can’t even imagine how Tinnitus can be the least troubling symptom TheWay2. It is so invasive and always there. Oh how I wish it was my least troubling symptom. Chinmoku, wow you have a GOOD memory listing everything from the Tinnitus thread... I’m impressed! TinnitusTalk causes panic for me so I stay away from there... I also remember reading all the different alternative things that was tried on that BB Tinnitus thread and nothing was working, I also felt so hopeless after that.. That’s why I started scanning the success stories looking for people who’s Tinnitus actually healed and put that list together! I hope we will one day also be on that list. I think taking more meds that affect the neurotransmitters can delay the healing so I’m off all the meds and hoping for a miracle. The Tinnitus for me is sounding like electricity or the sound of a needle like Heather Ashton wrote. Like a buzzing. I can’t believe millions of people suffer from this yet there is no cure. So much money could be made from a cure for this.

Amen to that. When I tapered pregabalin I had burning skin, tingling, restless legs, twitching eyes, tooth pain, dizziness, pelvic pain, leg cramps, visual snow, crazy tachycardia, but the worst thing was the tinnitus. I think there are different types and levels and people are impacted differently.  Let's hope to join that golden list some day soon.

[[Th...]]

Each person is different.  Insomnia was my worst symptom.  Claustrophobia, anxiety, depression, DP/DR, SI and intrusive thoughts were a close 2nd.  I suffered from hearing loss in the high range when I was younger.  I think that alone made my tinnitus much more manageable?

 

Not sleeping intensified all of my other symptoms.

 

Sorry Tinnitus is your worst symptom.  Mine seemed to be a lot more mild compared to yours.

[[Tr...]]

Not sleeping would definitely be the worst because one becomes non-functional. Thanks for sharing your healing and the takeaway is that healing does happen regardless of what the symptoms are.

[Guest [pa...]]

Not sleeping would definitely be the worst because one becomes non-functional. Thanks for sharing your healing and the takeaway is that healing does happen regardless of what the symptoms are.

Well, akathisia and total insomnia are probably "objectively" worst symptoms, but I guess any symptom can be just as bad if it's severe enough (e.g. too loud tinnitus/hyperacusis causing suicidal psychosis in people).

[[Th...]]

Yes, we all fight unique battles during WD.  Some symptoms are common across most people's WD experience such as anxiety and depression?  Others not so much.  I had burning skin but it only lasted about 3 months and never came back.  Others claimed to have had it a lot longer.

 

Keep on fighting.  Thought distortion and delusional/Exaggerated thinking are pretty common during WD.  I thought I would never heal and that I'd be stuck for life.  Not true.