The Klonopin Klub#2

[[Tr...]]

Burned 

 

TRY

[[ca...]]

Morning all,

 

Gilster:  congrats on tapering to .25mg-you are doing a great job!  Hang in there

 

CD:  hope your headache goes away quickly-maybe it's from a weather change?

 

WR:  thank-you!

 

Bennie:  so glad you are feeling more free and good on you for giving your pdoc all those benzo items!  He needs to know-they all do.

 

I reduced my dose to .04ml today, (really nothing left).  Tomorrow will be my last day of clonazepam and I will jump on Friday.  Emotions running the gamut from excited/hopeful to worries/what ifs.  I hope my taper has prepared my body to be able to better cope and recover without the drug-I know it is already working so hard to rebalance. 

 

In solidarity, Burned

Headache, Gone thanks Burned, Bennie & Try. Burned I am sure you will do fine once off as for the weather changes yes I believe they wreak havoc on our systems being we for the mot part are already pretty worn out . Try I hope your getting a bit more stable on the med your taking now not sure how much but hang in there I know things will be fine. ~CD

[[Tr...]]

Morning all,

 

Gilster:  congrats on tapering to .25mg-you are doing a great job!  Hang in there

 

CD:  hope your headache goes away quickly-maybe it's from a weather change?

 

WR:  thank-you!

 

Bennie:  so glad you are feeling more free and good on you for giving your pdoc all those benzo items!  He needs to know-they all do.

 

I reduced my dose to .04ml today, (really nothing left).  Tomorrow will be my last day of clonazepam and I will jump on Friday.  Emotions running the gamut from excited/hopeful to worries/what ifs.  I hope my taper has prepared my body to be able to better cope and recover without the drug-I know it is already working so hard to rebalance. 

 

In solidarity, Burned

Headache, Gone thanks Burned, Bennie & Try. Burned I am sure you will do fine once off as for the weather changes yes I believe they wreak havoc on our systems being we for the mot part are already pretty worn out . Try I hope your getting a bit more stable on the med your taking now not sure how much but hang in there I know things will be fine. ~CD

 

CD,glad your headache is gone.  I'm currently, sitting at .10mg.  I was a bit higher for a few days, but nothing is making a significant difference.  It's a bummer to get this close to the end, and have to regroup.  I definitely don't want to switch to something else.  Taking it one day at a time. 

 

Try

[[Bu...]]

Thanks CD  Glad you feel better!

[[li...]]

I did text my pdoc. He is always brutally honest.

 

This is what he said:

 

"you are the only one who knows the truth. To the outside world you are in a situational reaction (which is fine for disability). I figured you deserved the truth and what you did with it ( including throwing it away??) was your own business." What does that mean?

 

I am wondering if the the situational reaction he is referring to is being dependent on drugs thus needing to taper, which is the more socially acceptable plight than—? Is he implying that he gave you an earlier diagnosis which you did not agree with (thus, the throwing it away comment)? Sounds like he's saying that whatever the diagnosis, you understand the truth of your situation... I used to have some short cryptic text convos with my Pdoc, some of which I followed up on, and others I chalked up to it being after 9 PM and maybe him having a glass of wine.

 

I texted him back and I think he got angry with me. It is not a nice text and has me upset. Very! He can get very angry and hurtful if he thinks he is being bothered. Once I said Hello, Doc! And he threw me out of his office right then and there. He wanted to be called Dr.  This is what he said:

 

"You grew progressively dependent and progressively tolerant to a very very large dose of Klonopin and you needed every bit of it to stay ahead of withdrawal and if you stopped it, it would have killed you. That meets my definition of an addiction. That's the truth. What you do with the truth (including ignore it) is entirely up to you. I know it and you know it." When some months ago his DX for me is "someone who cannot handle stress for an extended period of time." What the hell will I do now? I took as prescribed!!!!!!! I was just too out of it to understand the correlation between the two. Will this DX follow me everywhere? UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :tickedoff: :tickedoff:

 

Benzogirl,

 

That was not very nice. But maybe you should have told him in person, or did you ?

 

He really shouldn't take it out on his patients like that. As someone else once said (and I agree!) ' shrinks are crazier than their patients'.

 

What about your new psych in Ohio ? Will he receive that diagnosis ? Maybe you should talk to your old pdoc about that. As in talk, not texting. Texting is rather impersonal. Of course, if you're already in Ohio ...

 

I think physical dependency is the correct phrase, regardless of what the DSM (bunch of crazy psychs!) says.

[[Ma...]]

Hello all!

 

Try,

SO sorry for what you went through. I have not been on BB or I would have reached out sooner. I had some horrific ER experiences with K where my loved ones were disturbed. You are doing amazing. Sending you huge hugs

 

Burned,

So excited and happy for you! 

 

Bets,

Sorry about your pdoc. There isn't a code for just benzodiazepine dependence.

 

Kgirl&WR,

So happy you are both off and doing so well! You both have inspired me so much 

 

everyone

Ezra's (MM consultant) class will be next Wed evening. He has set up a free conference call where people people can either call in or join the video feed. If you are interested PM me and I will give you more info. There are over 30 people interested. He will go over the different cannabinoids and what they do. Also people can ask questions.

 

I have been having some stuff with my GI and menstrual cycle lately. Also have had Dr's appts and testing. There are some things off. Dr's are not my favorite people is putting it nicely. I miss everyone and I am thinking of you all. I am sorry I haven't been to be here much for awhile. I am finally at 10mgs V (equals .5mgs K). I know many went to MT around my dose. I would love to hear from others why they switched to MT around this dose or after cut and hold etc.I know many say that 'hit a wall'. I am just keeping my options open. My taper doesn't seem to be really following any pattern lately. It seemed to have even less of one after I tapered protonix. I think my stomach is still recovering from the damage of PPIs. I am cutting weekly.

 

I am so happy to see everyone come so far. I hope everyone is having a peaceful night!

 

Lots of love and light

XXO Maya

 

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f340/maya6842/Mobile%20Uploads/image_113.jpeg

I love this quote. It reminds me of Clona  :smitten:

 

[[be...]]

Thank-you Try.  Hang in there-you will do this.  I just reread Ever's success story and she talked about dealing with and overcoming fear.  It helped me a lot.  Lots of hugs 

 

Betsy: hope your move goes well and you can get things straightened out with your doctors.

 

Thank you I just don't know what got into him. Earlier on he said I was not.

[[be...]]

Hello all!

 

Try,

SO sorry for what you went through. I have not been on BB or I would have reached out sooner. I had some horrific ER experiences with K where my loved ones were disturbed. You are doing amazing. Sending you huge hugs

 

Burned,

So excited and happy for you! 

 

Bets,

Sorry about your pdoc. There isn't a code for just benzodiazepine dependence.

 

Kgirl&WR,

So happy you are both off and doing so well! You both have inspired me so much 

 

everyone

Ezra's (MM consultant) class will be next Wed evening. He has set up a free conference call where people people can either call in or join the video feed. If you are interested PM me and I will give you more info. There are over 30 people interested. He will go over the different cannabinoids and what they do. Also people can ask questions.

 

I have been having some stuff with my GI and menstrual cycle lately. Also have had Dr's appts and testing. There are some things off. Dr's are not my favorite people is putting it nicely. I miss everyone and I am thinking of you all. I am sorry I haven't been to be here much for awhile. I am finally at 10mgs V (equals .5mgs K). I know many went to MT around my dose. I would love to hear from others why they switched to MT around this dose or after cut and hold etc.I know many say that 'hit a wall'. I am just keeping my options open. My taper doesn't seem to be really following any pattern lately. It seemed to have even less of one after I tapered protonix. I think my stomach is still recovering from the damage of PPIs. I am cutting weekly.

 

I have shared this with a couple in PMs. I wanted to share on this thread because you have all been such a great help to me and mean a lot to me. I will be in the documentary As Prescribed along with some of my loved ones. I did some filming in June and did a long interview in July. I really believe this movie will be great and help facilitate change. The director is a klonopin survivor.

 

I am so happy to see everyone come so far. I hope everyone is having a peaceful night!

 

Lots of love and light

XXO Maya

 

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f340/maya6842/Mobile%20Uploads/image_113.jpeg

I love this quote. It reminds me of Clona  :smitten:

 

Such a perfect pix of Clona. Just like her. I can't PM you about the CBD session. And DSM is so thick, you would think they would have a special code. :'(

[[Cl...]]

Hello all!

 

Try,

SO sorry for what you went through. I have not been on BB or I would have reached out sooner. I had some horrific ER experiences with K where my loved ones were disturbed. You are doing amazing. Sending you huge hugs

 

Burned,

So excited and happy for you! 

 

Bets,

Sorry about your pdoc. There isn't a code for just benzodiazepine dependence.

 

Kgirl&WR,

So happy you are both off and doing so well! You both have inspired me so much 

 

everyone

Ezra's (MM consultant) class will be next Wed evening. He has set up a free conference call where people people can either call in or join the video feed. If you are interested PM me and I will give you more info. There are over 30 people interested. He will go over the different cannabinoids and what they do. Also people can ask questions.

 

I have been having some stuff with my GI and menstrual cycle lately. Also have had Dr's appts and testing. There are some things off. Dr's are not my favorite people is putting it nicely. I miss everyone and I am thinking of you all. I am sorry I haven't been to be here much for awhile. I am finally at 10mgs V (equals .5mgs K). I know many went to MT around my dose. I would love to hear from others why they switched to MT around this dose or after cut and hold etc.I know many say that 'hit a wall'. I am just keeping my options open. My taper doesn't seem to be really following any pattern lately. It seemed to have even less of one after I tapered protonix. I think my stomach is still recovering from the damage of PPIs. I am cutting weekly.

 

I have shared this with a couple in PMs. I wanted to share on this thread because you have all been such a great help to me and mean a lot to me. I will be in the documentary As Prescribed along with some of my loved ones. I did some filming in June and did a long interview in July. I really believe this movie will be great and help facilitate change. The director is a klonopin survivor.

 

I am so happy to see everyone come so far. I hope everyone is having a peaceful night!

 

Lots of love and light

XXO Maya

 

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f340/maya6842/Mobile%20Uploads/image_113.jpeg

I love this quote. It reminds me of Clona  :smitten:

 

Maya, I love the quote!!! 

[[my...]]

Wonderful drawing with words....thanks Maya   and HI Clona  yes....breathe in, breathe out....

 

Hi WR! And Bennie too...

 

Try...don't even think about crossing over to another benzo..you are so close....perhaps rest at this dose for a while and breathe....you need to stabilize...try and practice patience...distract...you will be fine....you were just put through a traumatic experience...you need to recover from it before making any decisions about next steps.  Just my thoughts. 

 

Burned....so happy for you....try and go with the calm and confident thoughts....Saul43 would remind me of Dr. Ashton's mantra....to try and face this challenge with calm and confidence....easier said, right? But a good approach none the less.  I'm dealing with similar stuff even though jumping is still months away...worrying whether I'll be OK or not...staying in the present is helpful...and other distractions!

 

CD...glad your headache is gone....sometimes I have them and they last for a day or two..(but then I had bad headaches way before K) no fun at all...

 

Me? Waves and Windows trading places all day today... ....rapid cycling for sure.

 

Night all 

Mana

 

 

 

[[Bu...]]

Morning all,

 

Maya:  thank-you and love your quote. May Pm you about Ezra's class later. Hope your symptoms let up soon for you soon.

 

Mana:  thank-you.  Yes, calm and confident is a good way to be for this-I'm trying so hard.  I have the rapid cycling, too-it's challenging in it's own way but, I believe it suggests that we are in a different phase of healing.  Hang in there!

 

Rough start today but, not unexpected...last day of barely any K.  Yesterday, upped my dose of CBD oil and it helped take the edge off most of my symptoms thank goodness.  My son's car broke down on a high, windy bridge...   I went to pick him up and we had to wait 2 hrs for tow truck...I think I weathered it ok because of the CBD oil. 

 

Hope everyone has an ok day with windows.  Hugs to all 

 

 

[[li...]]

I don't know why there is a Klonopin Klub #2, but I was told to look up Gilster and connect with the klonopin people.  If you read my signature, I'm totally kindled and dealing with horror and PTSD from being reinstated on benzos after 3 1/2 years of healing.  I was reinstated on Ativan in December 2014, cut 50% in 6 weeks and was suicidal.  someone reached out to me on FB and told me to updose (which totally made me normal) and then my doc made me cross over to K in May 2015 because it would be easier.  It's been crap since then.  I did a 5%/month DLMT last summer and never held and at the end of 90 days had more pronounced symptoms so was told to updose to 1.25 mg.  After 11 days, mornings were still hell but I could do things in the afternoon.  Started a slower DLMT at 1% a month just to be careful October 1, 2015  Didn't hold until I started having worse symptoms in January 2016.  Then tried a c/c/c/c/c/h/h but at the end of February someone contacted me and said that I'm probably struggling so much because I never held long enough and that I should join the Long Hold Group here.  Well I held from March 1 to August 31 and it was windows and waves the whole time.  So many there told me that they got completely functional and stable in their holds.  I can do nothing but be on the computer an hour a day, feed myself, do the dishes at night and watch TV.  On the Ativan I could do everything.  Water under the bridge.

15 days ago, before I was going to resume my DLMT, I talked to some people who thought I was unevenly dosed and dosing too many times a day (4 times) so I decreased to 3.  The first two days I was definitely better, but since then it's been worse--first psychotic days, then major DR days, then major sed/fog/DR/depression days, then horrible vision days and sobbing. 

My question is, should I just start tapering?  I've unstabilized myself again and some would say updose back to 1.25 (1've been at 1.20 mg since March 1), some would say hold, some would say cut.  I just can't be any worse off than I am now and feel stuck.  Never should have switched my dosing.  Feel like such an idiot.  Don't think my body would like it any more if I switched back.  When I updosed to 1.25 this time last year I didn't feel any better (in fact I felt sicker) for 2 weeks before I started having decent afternoons.

So many talk about feeling better on the way down and that has NEVER been my experience.  My body hates being on AND getting off this drug.  Feel so hopeless and lost but I keep thinking there has to be a way to do this without ending up in a psych hospital.

Thanks for listening.  God bless you all

[[li...]]

...And my method since I crossed to the K is to dissolved 5 .25 oral dissolvable tablets in 60 ml of milk.  Last summer I was pulling .1 ml a day without holds for 90 days and had worse symptoms (but no worse than I feel now).  Then updosed to 1.25 mg and started pulling .01 ml a day without holds.  Hoping that when I start up I can do c/c/h/h/h and stay out of psychosis and be somewhat functional.

[[Gr...]]

Hi lizagal and wow that is some story.  Okay, so you have been on 1.20mg of k/day since March 2016?  And no stabilization in sight still?  Yes, I agree with you that you are kindled.  I definitely would NOT updose.  I also would not aggressively taper either,  but just taper a little bit in a very very slow taper.  I mean real slow, like just but out a ml at a time and wait a week or two. 

 

When I reinstated I felt awful for a whole year and then some, I kid you not.  I got very little relief and became depressed and ended going on AD for relief.  The AD helped both depression and anxiety and I realized that klonopin did nothing for my anxiety any more.  It's possible that you might not feel better for weeks and even a few months, regardless of whether or not you taper, updose, or stay the same.  At least, that is what happened to me.  It's an awful place to be in.  Hang in there.

[[li...]]

Thanks GreenCup.  At least I don't feel like I'm the only one.  Don't get me wrong--the Ativan and then K pulled me away from suicide.  But daily I deal with 90% perceptual/psychological stuff--horrid brain fog, sedation, slow visual reaction, major DR/DP, racing intrusives, hopelessness, blurry vision, disorientation, etc. .  I don't have anxiety--except about never being normal again and the occasional adrenaline surge when waking up--so I think a lot for me is side effects from the K.  Now with this latest change and stuff getting worse, I realize all the more that it's the drug and not the method.  I do intend to do a slow DLMT with a pattern of tapering and holding regularly.  I hope that will keep me from going psychotic again.  Just trying to figure out when to start but pray that becomes very clear to me in the next couple days.  And in this whole time, I've had the same pattern:  symptoms way worse in the morning like I'm not going to make it to the end of the day, by noon a bit better and by evening I say "that wasn't too horrendous" and then start the whole process all over again.  That has been the same while tapering, holding, etc.  but since changing my dosing my body and brain are not happy.

 

I was told stabilization meant that you should be 80-90% functional.  I am not that.  I can do very little.  On my best days I can take care of myself, do a little computer work, take the dog out and maybe walk her five minutes, do a load of laundry or the dishes and watch a movie at night with my husband.  I can't go anywhere because the disorientation and fog are so thick it's disturbing.  I actually went to a park on Sunday afternoon with my husband for the first time in a year and walked around slowly taking pictures in the late afternoon.  The next two mornings I felt psychotic again.  WTH?  Any thing I do beyond my little bit is a major trauma

 

Thanks again GreenCup!

[[ca...]]

Lizgal, welcome and I am sure you will find some great help and a lot of support here. There are a few people on this board who are doing a liquid taper but most of us have done or are using a scale and doing a Micro Taper using a scale c.c.c. h/ etc. I am working right now so don`t have a lot more to offer. But will try to help anyway I can and hang in there I know how tough this is I am buzzing away as I type and trying to get some work finished and just popped in! ( Everyone ) else I hope things are going decent ! ~CD

[[li...]]

Did anyone feel better as they tapered?  I know everyone is different.

[[li...]]

Thanks Can Do!

[[fi...]]

Burned, I'm so so happy for you!

NewGirl, CONGRATULATIONS!!! It does take time, and I know what you mean about the pressure to get better. But healing is already happening and will continue to happen.

 

Bets, sorry to hear about that problem with your doctor. Maybe he was just being snippy because of his mood? It's all so frustrating though. I'm sorry. Good luck with the move!

Kgirl, I'm so so glad you're feeling better. I'm very much the same - not back to 100% yet, but the difference is immense. I'm glad you're feeling the healing.

 

Try, I am so so so sorry to read what happened to you. I wish I'd been on BB so I could have been supportive at the time. I'm glad you're doing a little better but it's true, be kind to yourself right now. You've been through a great deal, and being gentle with yourself is so important. I hope things even out for you soon.

 

Bennie, CD, WR, Maya, Mana, Clona, liberty, Coyote, BStrong, and anyone else I may have missed - I'm sorry I haven't been on BB lately! Please know I'm thinking of all of you often and always hoping you're all healing and healing and healing. It's a slow road, but I believe in all of you. You're all so very strong.

 

I've been away so much not because I'm out there living life incessantly (I'm still at home most of the time) but because I recently realized the biggest difference, which has happened within the past month or so: I no longer think about withdrawal constantly. When I was tapering and in w/d, I thought about w/d all day, every day, nearly every single waking moment and sometimes in my dreams. It was exhausting. And I've finally reached the point where I don't think about it as often. Still often, sure, since I'm still healing and figuring out how to regain my footing. But so so much less than I used to. It feels so freeing.

 

I do still get sx's and sometimes have waves, but they're much milder than they were during taper. And although the day-to-day isn't linear, I can say with confidence that overall, in the big picture, I am continuously getting better and better. I've finally started exercising again (longer walks and 20-30 minutes of yoga at a time, instead of half-mile walks and five minutes of yoga), I'm eating a huge variety of foods again (including ones that, all summer long, would scare me too much to eat). Anxiety is slowly going back down to what is, for me, normal levels.

 

There are still some big stressors (I want to try to find a real job soon so I'll be able to move out of my sister's - I feel bad the longer and longer I stay, even though I know I can) and I'm definitely still healing, but I just hope this is encouragement for all of you still tapering. I know all of our journeys are different, but if you'd told me back in December that I'd feel this relatively good this quickly, I don't know if I would have believed you. So I'm here to tell you - I used to not know how this could happen, but it has happened. I am healing. We all will heal. Please keep fighting and holding on, because life can be so much better.

 

I love you all and will try to be on more often. Wishing you windows, moments of laughter, and restful sleep,

Daisies

[[li...]]

I posted a question about tapering in my thread in the substitution taper section ...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?action=post;topic=159209.80;last_msg=2187916

 

Sorry about the inconvenience. Nothing has been decided yet ...

[[my...]]

Wow, Daisies!!! 

 

What a wonderful post...I SO needed to read this today.  I am beyond happy for you...  I know things aren't perfect, not 100%...actually who IS EVER 100% in life??  But you are regaining your health, your strength and your optimism.  Wonderful to hear.  You will figure out your living situation...baby steps...sounds like your sister is really there for you as you would be for her. 

 

THANK YOU for taking the time to write today.  Of all days....

 

This is a most difficult day for me, buddies....I need to remember that the self doubt and worry that things are irrevocably altered for me, my personality, my outlook, my sense of well being..that this frightening wave is temporary and will recede and maybe disappear soon.....    And that the negative thinking is a lie ----I may have repeated this already but there is a buddy who posted a success story recently who said:  "believe the WINDOWS not the waves..."

 

So, Daisies, and everyone....be well and thanks for reminding me that it does get better and better.

 

Mana  :smitten:

[[Bu...]]

Welcome Lizgal!  I feel like I'm healing overall as I taper, but, still have a lot of sxs.  Mornings are rough for me too and unfortunately it seems the same for a lot of people.  Sorry you are having such a rough time.  We are so hyper-sensitive and hyper-reactive right now.  Hope you find a good taper plan that will help you.  Hang in there!

 

Daisies:  you sound so good!!  So glad you don't have to think about withdrawal so much now, that your waves are milder and you can eat many more foods again    Keep getting better and better!!!

 

Mana:  Hope you have a better day tomorrow.  Like that quote:  "believe the WINDOWS not the waves...".  Thanks!

 

GI sxs are really painful tonight-think I ate something too fatty/rich.  Will take my last K dose tonight.  It's time!

 

Hope everyone gets some good sleep tonight.  Hugs 

[[B ...]]

Daisies, 

So glad to hear you are doing ok. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Burned,

Good luck on the last dose. Congrats for making it there.

 

Mana,

Hope tomorrow is better for you. You will get there.

 

Lizgal,

Sorry for your pain. I understand completely. Rough mornings here also and I've had lots of akathasia too. It is very hard.

 

Prayers for everyone......

 

B strong

[[Bu...]]

Thank-you B strong.  Sorry you are having a rough time and I hope you get a break soon.  Hugs 

[[my...]]

Yes! Burned...."it's time.." :thumbsup: : :smitten:

 

And thank you and B strong for the support....feeling better already  Tomorrow WILL be a better day...

 

Mana