18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Lo...]]

LM ... I went with the thought things would take 18-24 months after taper to settle down ... I really had no idea what to expect so I went with the consensus from the UK ... Ashton and the Project folks in the UK, back four years ago ... 

 

For me, this seems to be panning out ... no longer expect to be 100% by an particular date ... just know that I will get there in due time ...

 

The healing formula seems to be working ... get off the drug, stay off the drug, and heal ...

 

My "dynamic" symptoms seem to have passed ... now it is mostly the lingering lousies ... not a window, not a wave ... just a way stop along the path ...

 

We will all getter better ... it just seems to take a while for some of us ... 

 

Thanks Nova and Marj. It's really a bit much. Every day... I know I have a prior medical condition but even my specialist said that the vestibular issues really got worse when I jumped off of the benzodiazepine and she wishes everyday I was never put on the stuff to begin with. She said when you have a prior medical condition that already has fractured your central nervous system the last thing you do is put anyone on a drug that's going to interfere and mess with your receptors & your nerves. All I do is pray all day everyday and I wonder if God gets sick of hearing from me. The balance issues and the shortness of breath are by far the worst symptoms I have left. I have several symptoms remaining and a few of those are attributed to Lyme disease but by far the vestibular issues it's definitely the benzos and I just wish it will go away. I'm going to try not to be depressed all day but it's hard sometimes.

[[pe...]]

Marj-

I'm sorry your trip to the university wasn't easier. I'm a mom to two boys- four years old and seven years. My youngest was a year and a half when this started. What a nightmare! The funny thing is, he expects the most of me. He doesn't know not too and most of the time that is a blessing.

 

I also want to add that this shit show happened to my mom when I was 16. That was twenty-two years ago and she bought the story of - you need to be medicated for life-  It happened because she went through acute withdrawal from Ativan that had been prescribed for insomnia. She had no idea she couldn't just stop and has been drugged up ever since. She takes 6mg of klonopin a day. She can't even remember my married name. And my point is, we are on our way back to our daughters and sons. My mom is lost forever to this mess, and we are not. This journey back is an absolute gift to our children and one not all mothers are willing or able to take. So, I know today was hard. Not what you hoped for. But what you're doing is amazingly hard work. Be kind to yourself. Your daughter is lucky to have such a brave and tenacious mom. We're not all so lucky.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Peace ... 

 

We do what is possible ... with kindness and compassion ...

 

And there is great sadness for some of us ... and ... we are the joy ... 

[[pe...]]

Yes. Nova great sadness. For my mom. For me. For all of us here. And we are the joy! You, my friend, are the joy.

 

And I wouldn't ever ask my mom to go through this. She's suffered so much. I remember when I was in high school and she cold turkeyed from Ativan. My older sister wound up taking her to the hospital. And later, months later - after my sister had gone off to college and I had been sent to a wonderful boarding school, when she had been reinstated on klonopin and was living in transitional housing - she took me to her doctor so he could help me understand. And he talked to me without her in the room. He talked his talk and I said, "but when is she going to get better?" And he said,"that's just it. Your mother's never going to get better." And I said something like, "I don't believe you." What I should have said is,"you must not be a very good doctor if you don't help your patients get better!"

 

Ofcourse I knew none of the drugs involved, had no real understanding of what had happened to her until I started asking questions when this happened to me. And I think there has been a purpose to my journey. I now understand her constant disconnect, why she forgets everything I tell her, including which city I'm living in and the names of my sons. And I understand the distance she would have to travel to come back to us. It's not so easy and I could only know this from the inside.

 

Thanks, Nova.

Always.

Peace2

[[No...]]

Peace ... and we never know ... perhaps an opportunity will arise in the future ...

 

Once we have our house in order it may become possible for guests to heal also ...

 

And yes, we are becoming aware of so much more than we were aware of before ...

 

And ... we can break a cycle of something that is not useful in our families that is another gift we give ... 

[[...]]

Oh Peace, what a truly haunting story. I am so sorry you had to go through this and your poor Mum. Things could and should have been so different. It breaks my heart to read this but also inspires me to keep fighting. Our children will have us back, sooner rather than later. 2 small children, 2 teenagers, it's not easy is it? They pose different challenges, but non the less, challenges at the best of times and coupled with recovering from benzos. It has to strengthen our spirit. Actually the stories that people can tell to how they ended up having taken these awful, awful pills must be stories with lots of tears and tragedy. There will be a happy ending, we all deserve it   

[[...]]

Marj ... good description ... walking on a trampoline ...

 

Your hard days will pass ... and even though the university trip wasn't a blessed ray of sunshine, you did go ... and made it back ...

 

You will have those blessed days again ... 

 

Thanks for this Nova  I found myself quoting your words this evening. :smitten:  We must be kind to ourselves

[[No...]]

Marj ... must be late for you ... have some good sleep ... Sunday is another day ... 

[[Mi...]]

Peace and Marj,  I also have two beautiful children 10&14...    The days I can't get out of bed, it kills me!  I know exactly what you are saying!  We will get there!  We have the biggest reason to! The love for our children!  Nothing is more powerful than a mothers love! 

[[Co...]]

Marj and Loving Mother.....just some encouragement regarding returning in wholeness to the ones we love. Peace said it beautifully....all of this misery is leading us back and we are brave and strong and giving our loved ones the best gift possible....ourselves. ....It is going to pay off...I missed all of my volunteering days last year in my grandsons' classrooms last year. My youngest gs (6) said to me a few weeks ago when school started, " Nonnie, you said you would come to school last year in kindergarten, but you didn't come...ever"....I wanted to cry. ...Not only did I miss volunteer days, I missed many many family get togethers. I was a mess of d/d, head pressure, anxiety, agoraphobia and absolutely convinced that I would have a stroke ...or at least faint in front of a room full of little kids... that was like cemented into my mind ....cemented with fear..  Here is the encouraging part....5 months ago I took my middle gs out for his bd...much like Marj....I was there, but fighting head pressure, anxiety and d/r the entire time...Over the summer I have had erratic hit and miss successful outings with them and my daughter and my ex....some were winners some were nightmares, nothing at all predictable... Late this summer things started becoming more reliable and I started making plans without dread, fear and uncertianty....More successes , less nightmares. Today my ex and I took my oldest gs out to the bookstore and out to eat. We were out for 5 hours playing with him , talking, laughing and enjoying each other. 8 had a little nervousness before I left but I knew it was anticipatory nervousness...it was completely gone by the time we got to my grandson's house. ...My point is....it does and WILL GET BETTER.  It has only been in the last 5 or so weeks that the successes are ...dare I say it,?....predictable...not always 100%, but almost always no less than 85 %  ( which I can accept). ..  I am planning on returning to the classroom in Oct. I have ' normal' nervousness about it...much like you get before you do something new socially....or go back to doing something you haven't done for a long time...or trying something again that you failed at once or twice..  I had such a goid time today....exactly like ' before benzos'....I just soaked up my gs...I was clear and present, happy.. .happy. I ate food and enjoyed it and even split a girlie beer with my ex..

    This is the thing....your loved ones will be there waiting for you...with open arms....and it is that much sweeter because we have waited so long to return ourselves to them...Please do not doubt that this will happen. Just keep going...one day at a time. It was month 21.5- 22 before I have really started feeling myself come back. You will know when the healing is taking hold for good....you will just know it. I know I am still going to have tough days, but the clarity is totally on board now and that makes all the difference ...it makes the tough days so much more doable..

    Marj and LM... you are going to end up being the moms you were before....you really never stopped being moms, you have both walked through blue hell....for your kids...it is so clear in your posts....and you have my deep respect

    Just a thought for you....at month 16/17 all the way through month 20 I felt exactly like you do right now...I emerged to a huge jump forward in my healing and think you are both going to be feeling more ( a lot more) healing in the coming few months

.....Wishing you both some sunbreaks and healing.. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace and Marj,  I also have two beautiful children 10&14...    The days I can't get out of bed, it kills me!  I know exactly what you are saying!  We will get there!  We have the biggest reason to! The love for our children!  Nothing is more powerful than a mothers love! 

 

.....Jen, you are do right....nothing like the love for our kids to keep us walking through misery to get to the other side to be the moms we want to be for our kids. 19.5 months is closing in on the finish...I can't believe how hard this has been...and how long and I don't have kids or a husband at home. Nobody depends on me for dinner, or science fairs, or school lunches, or unconditional support no matter how awful I feel. You guys who have kids at home are super heroes to me. If I was a millionaire I would send every parent on this thread to a 2 week healing retreat....where all the care and support would be all about you....really wish I was a millionaire....

    You are really close Jen... Wishing you sunbreaks and healing every day.....coop

[[dr...]]

HI all...interesting read today and good advice by the elders 

 

I'm still feeling decent. I am six days of manageable symptoms with no headaches and the level of symptoms is much less.  I have a checklist of all my symptoms and an overall day grade and after a month of almost all Cs and D's I've has six B's in a row.  This has been during a time my father in law to be has been at my home for a week. Not my usual downtime slowed as I've had to entertain him.

I am not in a window but I'm not sure if it's a higher baseline. As each day passes without headache or anxiety my confidence increases. I also feel like I can control my symptom level by pulling back and meditating when I feel myself starting to ramp n symptoms.

Hoping this is the start of a big jump in healing but not stupid enough to get giddy.

[[Co...]]

...Peace.....MightyGirl.. .so sorry you went through this with your mom and she remains not fully present to you...You have a lovely forgiving, unconditional and open heart...

    How is your d/r  and fatigue?....You are really closing in on the last months too....I am so glad that I met you here all those months ago. I have loved your grit, honesty, humor and spine of steel. ....You have been huge in my staying with this... from way back in the ' cave ' days....seems like another life. ...You and Nova and Green and Sky and Beulah ....and Life...clinging to the cave walls....and each other....and here we are all still together....all out in the light and getting better

.....love to you ......coop

[[Co...]]

Nova....you are sounding good dear friend. We seem to be in a somewhat similar place.....better with a chance ( daily)  of sx...but better.....functional with clarity to get through sx...the clarity is what is so much better for me. 

    The TC sounds wonderful. I was just edging up to a new yoga class when the flu knocked me down....thinking about it again...Hope you sleep better tonight.  If not, check for my porch light....I will probably be awake off and on....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, 6 days of Bs .....that is such a good thing....6 days of no headaches and meditation that clicks... I can't tell you how happy I am to read this....I ate a few farm fries and had half  beer today and am not dying....I can't tell you how glorious that beer tasted....heaven...

      Drew, I hope your 6 B days turn into a thousand B days....Wishing you an improved baseline... coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-pig fries? Cow fries? Hen fries?  I must try a farm fry    Congrats on the 1/2 beer. 

[[Co...]]

Drew.. lol....I think that's what they are called....like steak fries but they come with a chicken strip basket...and dipping sauce.....soooo good....all bad nutrition ...but entirely delicious...

[[dr...]]

Oh...and here I thought it was your typing/autocorrect skills. 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

A while ago I promised a reflection on something or other ... can't remember exactly what ...

 

Anyway ... it morphed into what I recognized as a success post ...

 

So ... for better or worse ... here it is ...

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=142015.0

 

And ... it did it without a "farm fry" or beer ... I guess being sober has its consequences ... 

 

Have a good day folks...

[[Co...]]

Nova, ..  I read your 'Pipes'....love it....a great place to talk about early 'healed' and jumping back into our lives and creating new beginnings....You are poetic, wise, knowledgeable and humurous... I really hope you write a book someday....I will be a frequent visitor....I plan on kicking back with my 'farm ' fries and half beer , volunteering, planning and throwing family events, getting as much time as I can bribe out of my son and dil with my grandsons, getting out to some concerts, movies, plays, lectures, Mass.  getting my chair out on the river walk along our river....sleeping straight through from 10pm- 7am. .....aaannnd it is all looking possible at this point....

      Yep, the structure and the function, the ebb and flow, the better and the sx.....ultimately the acceptance. For me I am reflecting on the fact that my sense of closing up on healing is a fluid dynamic... some great days....some  ' Co ti ued healing' days.  Isn't that life ?....I have realized that for me, 'healed' is not and will not be a stark abrupt 100% change to absolute shift to all sx gone....I am very open to kno wing that this will probably be for me an ebb and flow of healing and healed....living in the empty space.  Taking the third way

  Thank you Nova....you are gift to us.  We have loved you from the beginning.  Thank you for standing with us all these long long months and continuing to walk with us. I can't imagine coming to the forum...and this thread and not finding you here.. ..Will you start a new thread or blog title for your 'Pipes'  ? .  Love to you dear friend.    coop

[[...]]

Marj and Loving Mother.....just some encouragement regarding returning in wholeness to the ones we love. Peace said it beautifully....all of this misery is leading us back and we are brave and strong and giving our loved ones the best gift possible....ourselves. ....It is going to pay off...I missed all of my volunteering days last year in my grandsons' classrooms last year. My youngest gs (6) said to me a few weeks ago when school started, " Nonnie, you said you would come to school last year in kindergarten, but you didn't come...ever"....I wanted to cry. ...Not only did I miss volunteer days, I missed many many family get togethers. I was a mess of d/d, head pressure, anxiety, agoraphobia and absolutely convinced that I would have a stroke ...or at least faint in front of a room full of little kids... that was like cemented into my mind ....cemented with fear..  Here is the encouraging part....5 months ago I took my middle gs out for his bd...much like Marj....I was there, but fighting head pressure, anxiety and d/r the entire time...Over the summer I have had erratic hit and miss successful outings with them and my daughter and my ex....some were winners some were nightmares, nothing at all predictable... Late this summer things started becoming more reliable and I started making plans without dread, fear and uncertianty....More successes , less nightmares. Today my ex and I took my oldest gs out to the bookstore and out to eat. We were out for 5 hours playing with him , talking, laughing and enjoying each other. 8 had a little nervousness before I left but I knew it was anticipatory nervousness...it was completely gone by the time we got to my grandson's house. ...My point is....it does and WILL GET BETTER.  It has only been in the last 5 or so weeks that the successes are ...dare I say it,?....predictable...not always 100%, but almost always no less than 85 %  ( which I can accept). ..  I am planning on returning to the classroom in Oct. I have ' normal' nervousness about it...much like you get before you do something new socially....or go back to doing something you haven't done for a long time...or trying something again that you failed at once or twice..  I had such a goid time today....exactly like ' before benzos'....I just soaked up my gs...I was clear and present, happy.. .happy. I ate food and enjoyed it and even split a girlie beer with my ex..

    This is the thing....your loved ones will be there waiting for you...with open arms....and it is that much sweeter because we have waited so long to return ourselves to them...Please do not doubt that this will happen. Just keep going...one day at a time. It was month 21.5- 22 before I have really started feeling myself come back. You will know when the healing is taking hold for good....you will just know it. I know I am still going to have tough days, but the clarity is totally on board now and that makes all the difference ...it makes the tough days so much more doable..

    Marj and LM... you are going to end up being the moms you were before....you really never stopped being moms, you have both walked through blue hell....for your kids...it is so clear in your posts....and you have my deep respect

    Just a thought for you....at month 16/17 all the way through month 20 I felt exactly like you do right now...I emerged to a huge jump forward in my healing and think you are both going to be feeling more ( a lot more) healing in the coming few months

.....Wishing you both some sunbreaks and healing.. ....coop

 

Coop, I have lost count of the number of times I have read this. I guess I am in 'that' phase of recovery, that beaten up and losing faith that this does go away. No matter how many times we are told; and it is 100's, plus I have the BTP telling me every time. When this has been going on day in day out for so long, with hardly any let up your mind always goes back to 'It will never change now'. This has definitely got shittier the last 2-3 months and I have heard many times that this is very common. I know you suffered greatly, I remember. You always handled it with dignity coop, I am very grateful for your support. I am trying so hard to be kind to myself, today I have just let myself lay down and rest, even though my mind is, as usual giving me a hard time for not pushing through and cleaning my messy house. Actually it's not that bad it just needs what we call here a good bottoming!! There is no way I have the energy though, so instead I will go pick my son up from playing golf and then go for a little walk. Love to you coop 

[[No...]]

Coop ... the third way ... I am with you on this ... I do not expect an abrupt aha moment either ... I am now feeling that this stuff will linger for a while ... neither here nor there ... and somehow that kind of makes sense for me ...

 

There seems to be a demarcation between healing and being now ... I am no longer just living my healing ... I am living a life that has a bit of healing in it ...

 

When I reached out for the farmer's market job and agreed to participate again in a tai chi group ... well, I think I am on my way ... hell, I know I am on my way ...

 

And I have the time and inclination to continue to be on BB ... hey, I am retired and now work full time for Canada Pension ... 

 

There are hours in my day that need filling ... in a sense the "re-entry" portion of this journey is complete for me ... I seem to now be entering an expansion phase ...

 

And there is still healing going on ... and I have no idea how long that will last ... and when it comes down to it, I really don't seem to have any anxiety around that at all ... as we have said so many times ... it is what it is until it isn't ...

 

Have a good Sunday ... and thank you for you generous words ... 

[[dr...]]

Very enjoyable read nova.  Well said.

 

I am trying to remain in this "decent" zone.  I did wake up in a panic late at night. Fell back to sleep and mostly forgot about it until now.  I just completed a two mile walk after not doing anything for two weeks.

My father in law leaves tonight after a week here.  With my fiancé working and performing I kept him busy the whole week.  I was looking forward to "getting the day off" but alas I'm being forced to go into the city.  I also would not have done the walk and I'm afraid of over

Old now. I really need downtime but no use fighting this battle. 

Will do my prm soon to try and keep symptoms at bay.

[[dr...]]

Update-I'm home from the Bataan Death March.  We ended up doing five miles on the pavement near the Golden Gate Bridge.  It is one of the hottest days here and I was cooking.  I had some dizziness due to heat and exertion but survived.  Okay...ended up at 7 miles today when I was just trying to take it easy.  Probably the longest I've walked in two years. 

 

I'm done w my fiancely (new word) duties. 

 

A bit sore but otherwise I'm okay with no adrenaline rushes yet.

[[Mi...]]

Wow Drew that is amazing!