Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Fl...]]

There's plenty of room, AlwaysFrantastic. I vote we remove that pesky "r" and make it Fantastic now that you are on the healing side of things. We welcome your positive feedback.

[[Al...]]

Fliprain-Thank you for the nice welcome. I can't take the "r" out because my name is Fran :)

 

AlwaysFrantastic

 

 

[[Fl...]]

  OK, Fran.

 

Pretty  - I said it back there somewhere but I just want to say again how wonderful it is to see you making real progress. It has been a long time in coming and you have been a trooper. You have really hung in there through a lot of truly brutal times. I hope your joy is proportionate to your pain. If so, you are going to be one happy lady!

[[pr...]]

 

Pretty  - I said it back there somewhere but I just want to say again how wonderful it is to see you making real progress. It has been a long time in coming and you have been a trooper. You have really hung in there through a lot of truly brutal times. I hope your joy is proportionate to your pain. If so, you are going to be one happy lady!

 

thank you so much Flip!

 

it has been a very long time and still pretty knee deep in it but i am definitely feeling some changes.

[[Di...]]

What a lovely idea for a thread Flipster!! I will always be grateful to you for the help you gave me when I was a BB Newbie.

 

I don't hang around here as much as I used to, because I needed to get on with other things in my life. I do try to log in about once a week though.

 

My mother recently passed away, so I am now officially an orphan. We are still sorting out her estate, but it has basically meant that I can probably give up work totally now. That creates a challenge all of its own, because what do you do with all that extra time? I could sit on the computer all day, but because I live alone, I find that very depressing and isolating. So I'm busying myself doing a massive spring clean of my house, then I have my garden as my next challenge, and then I will probably start doing some voluntary work for the RSPCA, and I'm also looking into some other groups around my local area.

 

Anyway, I digress. At the end of this month I will be 10 months benzo free. I tapered right off to zero, after doing a 22 month daily liquid taper from 5mg valium, and I don't regret one little bit that I chose to go that route. It was the right one for me, because I could not tolerate doing anything larger than a daily cut in one go.

 

I would say the first few months, post taper, were the most up and down, with the next few months getting better, and now I can confidently say that I am 100% healed. I haven't had any sleeping problems for quite some time now, and insomnia was my worse symptom. There were many times during my taper when I uttered those horrible words "Will I ever feel normal again". I now know the answer to that question, and it's a big fat YES!!!!

 

So all I can say to others who are still struggling is .... patience patience patience. I know that's a word you probably hate hearing, but it's the most truthful thing I can tell you. You will have really horrible days when you will also wonder if you will ever feel well again, but you will. Just have confidence in the process. Don't taper any faster than your body can cope with, and you will be fine. Your body will heal at its own pace, but it will heal.

[[...]]

Hi DP

I'm so happy to hear of your success. You have been an inspiration and an awful lot of help to so many people. Best of wishes in your life sans benzos. So long as I don't "party too hardy" I'm fine too. The slow symptoms based method seems to have worked for several of us now.

Take care

Bart

[[Fl...]]

Diaz, thank you for posting here. Yes, I had to leave for a while, too, due to burnout and other life things happening. Now, I check in here daily to see if I can offer insight or answer a question.

 

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. Your emotions must be all over the place and your way of being in the world is now altered to some degree. You are grounded and steady with everything you do and I know you will be with this, too. This is one of those "thin places" in life. Mortality is the surest window of all.  Even in starkness, there is loveliness.

 

[[De...]]

Hi Flip,

 

This is a great and much needed thread Flip, thank you so much for starting it!!

 

I'm 2 years benzo free and have recently been in a wave which has resulted in the return of the dreaded insomnia. However, I'm so much better in lots of other ways and I would love to follow this thread and help where I can.

 

 

Diaz-Pam, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, you have my deepest sympathy.

 

Love Debbie 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Sunday, May. 10

 

When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.

 

Helen Keller

 

 

[[Al...]]

Deborah-My PDOC who was excellent in helping me deal with insomnia or waking up in the middle of the night suggested that I listen to Meditation Oasis (Relax into sleep Guided Mediation). You may download it on your iphone under Podcast. This mediation tape has been a life saver for me. It was waking up during the night that got me into trouble. I am currently sleeping 7 to 7 1/2 hours a night without a Valium or any sleep aids.  If I wake up during the night and I can not fall back to sleep I listen to this mediation and I'm out like a light.

Fran

[[De...]]

Deborah-My PDOC who was excellent in helping me deal with insomnia or waking up in the middle of the night suggested that I listen to Meditation Oasis (Relax into sleep Guided Mediation). You may download it on your iphone under Podcast. This mediation tape has been a life saver for me. It was waking up during the night that got me into trouble. I am currently sleeping 7 to 7 1/2 hours a night without a Valium or any sleep aids.  If I wake up during the night and I can not fall back to sleep I listen to this mediation and I'm out like a light.

Fran

 

Thank you so much for this information, Fran, I'm very grateful and will check it out. Always appreciate tips that are helpful with sleep  I'll let you know how I go on.

 

Debbie 

[[ca...]]

Great Idea for a thread. I guess we are all struggling- at least those of us who are not healed. Came by just to get some support. I am having a difficult week with dizziness and horrible brain fog. I may have tapered too fast this week. Just a bump. Found myself crying a lot at night when others are sleeping. I saw you are offering support- so I am a customer

Thanks!

[[Fl...]]

Carem, the cog fog is brutal, isn't it? And those middle of the night tears are familiar to me. I think it's just a stage we go through. It's good to know that it's normal and that it will end.

 

Wow, Debbie, two years already! Has your sleep been pretty good before this little hitch? I started sleeping very deeply at about two years out...one of those times where you suddenly wake up and several hours have passed and you feel rested and looking forward to the day. It's like the stuff of childhood sometimes.

 

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea 9 years ago and it was about a year ago that I quit needing my CPAP. I am exactly 10 pounds lighter than then, so it wasn't about weight. Or just about weight. I think the benzos did it, though I'll never be able to prove it and that's ok.

 

Fran thanks for the meditation/sleep tip. 

 

Nova, so true. It's the butterfly effect. We never know. At least we rarely know how our small actions make people's lives better or worse. I think the most important thing we can do is act from integrity abut our intentions. I mean if we intend well, if we do the best we can, then we really do give our gifts. It matters. If every single person functioned from that place, that intention, life would be so amazing! Can you imagine?

[[No...]]

Flip ... sleep apnea ... 4 months after being off benzos all my symptoms of sleep apnea disappeared ... I believe it was the relaxant properties of the benzos that were the culprit ...

 

From the sleep clinic around here ... "oh no, benzos can have nothing to do with sleep apnea" ... okay fine ...

 

Hope you are having a good day ...

[[Fl...]]

Nova, you are the only other person I know who had sleep apnea while on benzos, then didn't need it once off. I'd be extremely interested to know if others have experienced this.

 

Did your weight change dramatically?

[[ar...]]

I tapered too fast from 3.0mg Valium to 2.5mg Valium.  I did .5 in two weeks with a daily taper of .033mg.  I was feeling fine at first and then slowly got worse the last 7 days.  I am holding at 2.5 but this suffering sucks.  Waiting to stabilize and then I will considerably slow it down.  Right now I am dizzy, nausea, head pressure.  I struggle with the idea of feeling like this forever but I convince myself it's the withdrawal making me feel this way.  Is this tapering pain really worth it?  I'll hold until stable and start taper again, but getting tired of this.  I miss my old life.

[[ca...]]

Thanks Flip! I think that's what I needed to hear today- This too shall pass.!!!

It will. Been in this spot before and I know better days are coming. I am sure of it.

keep this thread going. I hope I may be able to be a mentor one day:)

Its night here in Israel- hope to get some good night sleep and no crying tonight

Caren

 

 

[[ca...]]

Arcade- I miss my old life and I miss me! - but yes you are in the right direction. Even on a bad day like this I have no doubt that this tapper is worse it- we all have the rest of our lives ahead of us! I am in no mentoring position here- just a fellow struggler. Be well and don't give up.

Carem

[[Fl...]]

Carem, maybe your body has wisdom in its crying. It's a great way to release negative energy and reduce that over the top cortisol. So cry away and know it's a part of the healing process. Do remember though to dispute those irrational beliefs that tell you you're alone and will never heal because they are simply lies. 

 

Arcade, we've all made a tapering mistake. That's how we learn to listen to our body's wisdom more respectfully. You'll have to decide for yourself if it's worth it. We all can create a vision of being well and how that will feel. It's something to hold onto when we close our eyes. Mine has come true. It's even better than I dared hoped it would be. So for me, oh yes, it was worth it. For me it's a bit like saying yes it was worth spending that dollar to buy the lottery ticket. The winning ticket. 

[[De...]]

 

Wow, Debbie, two years already! Has your sleep been pretty good before this little hitch? I started sleeping very deeply at about two years out...one of those times where you suddenly wake up and several hours have passed and you feel rested and looking forward to the day. It's like the stuff of childhood sometimes.

 

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea 9 years ago and it was about a year ago that I quit needing my CPAP. I am exactly 10 pounds lighter than then, so it wasn't about weight. Or just about weight. I think the benzos did it, though I'll never be able to prove it and that's ok

 

Flip, my sleep was much better a few months ago but just recently I've been sleeping very badly with hardly any restorative sleep at all. I haven't yet experienced that deep sleep you refer to but I'm sure it will happen eventually and I'm so looking forward to it. I'm pleased to hear that the sleep apnea has resolved Flip, bet that's a huge relief to you and I wouldn't be at all surprised if the benzos were responsible for that too.

 

 

Carem, I shed lots of tears too when I was tapering and in early recovery and I dont cry easily as a rule. As Flip said crying can be good at times, it releases stress and pent up feelings.

 

Debbie 

[[ca...]]

Yes you are both right about crying. I actually feel its wonderful that I can cry at times and you are so right Flip about feeling lonely when crying at night. OK- I will consider crying tonight    - Really so many feelings that need an outlet somehow. Thanks all. I really

appreciate your support !

Carem

[[NY...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

One of the most beautiful and inspiring posts I've read. Thank you.

[[Fl...]]

NYCWR - it was meant to give hope and I'm humbly honored it did for you. 

[[ra...]]

Wow, Flip, I so want to get to where you are.    Thank you for your post and thanks to NYCWR for quoting it, otherwise I might not have seen it. I am out of hope, but just trying to move forward anyway.

[[pr...]]

i haven't been able to cry since i c/t'd and i await the day that i can sit here and cry despondently and especially over the shock that i am in daily that this happened to me.

 

but i wanted to share some more good news and i was so happy about this last night that i even put up a new post in the protracted section. firstly, the squeezing neuropathy around my knee's got so bad at the 9th month mark and even worse after that -- that there were times when i really thought i would wind up in a wheelchair because i could barely walk because of it. it was the one symptom besides the head symptoms that i really wanted to go away or at least subside and it would only get worse month after month

 

but last night i noticed that i was walking almost normally and without effort and i am so thrilled about it. it kinda got a little shakey and bad again when i woke up this morning but i can feel that it is better and will get even better. there is also something else that happen that i don't understand that i don't feel comfortable sharing about on this thread since it's female issues but will share about it on my blog. i think it's because the squeezing tightness has also subsided around my waist and hips that the female stuff is happening -- anyway, all good healing signs and i'm happy today.