Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... ended up nervous and shaky last night ... did sleep for a while ... woke up in the nervous, shaky, anxious place ...

 

Just need to quietly move through this and be easy on myself ...

 

There is the flight or fight or freeze response ... working on bringing the soothe response front and centre ... 

[[Fl...]]

Jon Kabat-Zinn in his book Wherever You Go, There You Are says;

 

“If you hope to bring meditation into your life in any kind of long-term, committed way, you will need a vision that is truly your own—one that is deep and tenacious and that lies close to the core of who you believe yourself to be, what you value in your life, and where you see yourself going. Only the strength of such a dynamic vision and the motivation from which it springs can possibly keep you on this path year in and year out, with a willingness to practice every day and to bring mindfulness to bear on whatever is happening, to open to whatever is perceived, and to let it point to where the holding is and where the letting go and the growing need to happen.”

 

My vision remains that I want to live an engaged life from here on out. That I want to become an elder, not just an older. That when death comes, I want it to find me alive. My aliveness seems to come from service to others, something fairly recently discovered. Meditation is how I remember this and how I replenish myself. It's like a daily shower for my mind.

 

Wishing for everyone a day of knowing this discomfort is not permanent and that you are walking along the edge of a razor right now. Wishing you some padding for your feet and a platform of rest and safety.

 

[[ma...]]

Hi Flip we have come a long way together you and I.  Thank you for starting this thread, It’s a great idea. 

 

Hi Everyone

 

My story from start to finish is a bit too long to put here Magritas Journey   I wanted to use this space to post more about my recovery.

 

My taper took a year, I was symptomatic throughout. I was in bed, housebound, my hubby was my carer.  I never stabilised and it was hell.  I kept moving forward, hanging on by my fingertips sometimes.  I almost gave up many time!!.  My first year off I noticed improvements, but it was up and down a lot.  I felt like I was going backwards at times one step forward two back.. 

 

The second year things really started to happen for me, the constant gnawing pain, I had for such a long time, just disappeared.  Wonderful warm feeling  I got when I laughed out loud for the first time, a proper laugh, I saw my hubby getting teary eyed, it had been such a long time since I laughed like that.

 

At 18 months I was standing in my drive washing my car….in the rain  lol!  I had made the decision to do it that morning, I felt so good.  My neighbours hadn’t seen much of me for years… apart from sitting by my front door  very briefly for a few weeks prior…preparing myself for this victory moment.

 

I was enjoying myself washing the car, when all of a sudden it started to rain real heavy.  I carried on regardless.  It was a wonderful feeling of being alive and free.  I looked like a drowned rat lol  enjoying the rain on my face.  I noticed curtains and blinds twitching. The neighbours thought I had finally tipped over the edge.  I didn’t care a Jot….it was great!!! 

 

My hubby thought I was crazy stood out there in the rain, but then I always was a little crazy lol!  Deep down he was happy seeing me coming back to life!!  I am spontaneous, one of those crazies who would grab someone in a supermarket and start dancing.  My passion is dancing, and still is, I lost my legs but I found them again…as good as new lol!!.

 

I remember going to the park one morning.  I said to hubby, wow look at the beautiful shade of green, doesn’t the grass look gorgeous and vibrant.  He started laughing and said you’re mad, it’s always been like that!!  I said not to me it hasn't.  It really was like a veil had been lifted I then started looking at the flowers and the trees, it was as if I had never ever been in that Park in my whole life.

 

 

This sounds stupid, but its true!!  I felt joy in completing a simple task like making a cuppa. I was  excited at making a cheese sandwich ….Can you imagine what I was like when I made a proper dinner….multi-tasking again.  I will never take life for granted again, life for me today is better than it was before benzo’s.  I appreciate things more, especially the little things I normally took for granted,  I also feel stronger than I ever did.

 

After 26 years on diazepam, I doubted  I would make it. I thought I was far to sick to survive. I needed constant reassurance. I asked the same questions over again. Not one member said ""you have already asked that question"  I just had to hear/read someone telling me it gets better. It was the only thing keeping me going.  I had to stay away from scary stories...I couldn't handle it. 

 

If you’re in the thick of it, and going through hell, try to remind yourself.. its not forever, this is temporary.  Keep moving forward, don't try and rush it, you will make it and you will get your life back.  Withdrawal is such an awful thing to go through, but I promise you, it will be worth it.

 

Magrita http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums/aa351/margarita1959/Smilies/emotlove27-1.gif

 

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Thank you, Margo. You portray that new brightness, deep appreciation and feeling of joy very, very well. I love that you brought up that this is temporary. That's so hard to remember! When we are in the thick of it, it's as if we can't think straight and life seems hopeless. I especially like how you said people need to ask the same questions over and over and that tolerance of that need is very important.

 

I'm so glad you shared your story. Yes, we have travelled many miles together and you are forever woven into the fabric of my journey. 

Flip

[[Mo...]]

Thanks for sharing Mags, so grateful to you , Flip and others for staying

with us .

[[ja...]]

I don't have much time this morning as I have to be somewhere, but I am in yet another wave of sorts and this one is a tough one. Anxiety is strong and apprehension. Magrita, your post this morning is keeping me encouraged so thank you. I am tired as I know you all are and I'm ready for my 18 months. I am 14 months and I keep saying just a little bit farther and I will be there. I feel I have been saying this for a very long time. Don't get me wrong I have healed a lot, but when the storm hits I have to hold on very tightly and remember this will pass.

 

Love you all

Jackie :smitten:

[[Mo...]]

Magrita, thank you. I needed that. I am in the thick of it and have been on benzos for 39 years.

 

I have a plethora of people, many of whom are doctors, friends and even my husband telling me to go back on benzos for life instead of going through this Hell I am in. I have entertained that thought plenty of times wondering why I am even trying to get off of them if I feel better on them.

 

BUT after 38 years of them being effective Klonooin turned on me, paradoxical effects. Xanax was used in combination as was Serax, so perhaps I didn't notice. When my pdoc told me to c/t the Xanax (his logic was that the Klonopin was on board and would "cover" it) and c/t the Xanax for the 2nd time within a few months having reinstated it once inbetween at the psych ward for 20 days in December than 3 weeks after getting out, I truly "snapped" when I left the ward too...before I c/t the Xanax in January's last week...so I finally committed to the Ashton c/o to Valium. V gives me some benzo rage, which is quite uncomfortable (I pray I won't act on it) and weird drwams, but I will see it through. I worry a lot about when I begin to lower doses. Like you, in Hell all the way, no stabilizing. I am in a very fragile state, non-resilient, screaming (literally) often, bedridden, don't want to be amongst people, daylight, sound, etc. Terror. I also have PTSD and depersonalization, the reasons I was put on benzos in the first place. I have had a life of suicidal depression and suffering. Tanked my career. Have been a performer all my life. Singing, playing piano, comedian, writer, songwriter and voice teacher (my main job). For now I can't do those. Benzos were the only reason I could. But they were always a trade-off. The benzos had some drawbacks but never enough to stop them...until, after 38 years, they finally turned on me.

 

All in all, it is very hard to decide whether or not to give up and take benzos the rest of my tanked life as I have not had many years of my entire life without them. I wonder why I am going through such Hell.

 

I love your stories. Please give me some good reasons why I SHOULD  go off of these blasted benzos at all.

 

Thank you.

 

Mozart

[[ma...]]

Jackie, You are doing great, just keep going girl, you are going to make it.  Its such a long journey and we do get so fed up waiting.  You have come such a long way, your almost home.

 

Magrita 

 

 

Mozart, The reason I came off Diazepam, is because I became tolerant, My normal dose did nothing.  I was sick, scared, depressed, housebound.  I had two choices keep taking more or try and taper off.  I wondered where it would end, I would probably be on 100 mgs a day by now.

 

I was already a zombie, I couldn’t function, my husband had to take me to the bathroom. He washed me, I was like a sick child.  I know what the rages are like…its frightening thinking about it. I don’t think you will act on it….I was twisted with a feeling of pure  hatred  in the pit of my stomach,  that just wasn’t me! and It frightened me to death!!  I experienced nearly every symptom in the manual.

 

If these drugs are making you ill, unable to function, making you depressed, changing your personality, then I would say that's a good reason to get off.  I know how bad the withdrawal is its a dreadful experience, but for me…it was worth it.  We  don’t know how long each of us takes to get better but you will get better. 

 

It might take 3 years, remember!! you wont be feeling bad all that time….you will get better and better until you heal.

 

You will get your life back, you can do this, its just a matter of time!

 

Magrita

 

[[Af...]]

Oh my, what a wonderful thread ! Thank you Flip, for sending me a link. 

 

I’m now 14 months free, and have been struggling with my relationship to the forum - not sure how best to participate at this point in my healing. I too, want to offer hope and encouragement, but I’m not here often enough to maintain my blog as I would like to.

 

But I still care about everyone here very much. In fact, that’s part of my struggle: I feel my buddies here know me better than anyone in the “real” world. I have no friends in my daily life, but it’s completely my own doing… During my taper, my pain was so great, and so difficult to put into everyday words – that I simply disconnected from everyone except my immediate family. I’m trying to fix that now.

 

I’ll bet there are other BBs who feel just as awkward as I do. And I look forward to popping in here to read and share with so many others  just who understand, even if I haven't found the right words yet.

Thank you so mush!

 

Aft

 

[[Ch...]]

 

 

After 26 years on diazepam, I doubted  I would make it. I thought I was far to sick to survive. I needed constant reassurance. I asked the same questions over again. Not one member said ""you have already asked that question"  I just had to hear/read someone telling me it gets better. It was the only thing keeping me going.

 

http://i1193.photobucket.com/albums/aa351/margarita1959/Smilies/emotlove27-1.gif

 

I loved reading this, Mags.  What a story of survival and you tell it so well.  I've bolded this part because it reminds us all to be patient with those who need the reassurance day after day.  Thank you, dear friend.

 

Chal

[[Mo...]]

Magrita, yes I am in that same boat. I have to be looked after. I am in terror today that now the Valium is making me psychotic. Another big fear now.

What I do not understand is why the drugs were effective for 38 years, albeit with trade-offs. Then they turned on me. Mostly the Klonopin. I do have a pharmacist who told me you can have a tolerance and not know it. But I didn't escalate my doses. I did usually use a cocktail of pills with a short-acting benzos, a long-acting benzo and benadryl or just two types of benzos.

Because I am in the thick of this I DO feel ignored in some other of my groups (not here) as I am saying much of the same often. But I need to or I wouldn't.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

I am obsessed and so hurt by my sister who has done me so wrong over the years and has let me down terribly. Why I expected different from her this time was because she for the first time (over the phone as she lives 3K miles away) showed love and caring like never before saying I will get you help. No one should have to suffer like this, all kinds of things even to relocate me near her. She is the ONLY family I have left. Not so for her as she has children and grandchildren.  She and her husband flew here a month ago and saw my horrific suffering. She avoided me and told me it made her ill to see me that way. Now no phone calls, no texts, nothing. Yesterday I texted her and she told me only I can help myself.

 

I think she thinks I am actually DOING this to myself. She keeps far away from me now...she has always abandoned me. But it looked as if it would be different this time.

I hope I can hang on. Thanks for the support. Everyone.

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...dear dear friend,  you are such a healing presence...Those of us on the 12-18 (24) month support group have especially benefitted from your comfort and healing. Every day I wish you complete freedom from this..  thank you for going the distance with us..  .coop

[[Ki...]]

Dear Friends,

 

Thank you for all of positive words, I am only 3 months after jumping and I feel like I am so not myself. Non stop crying , hate the feeling and thoughts in head. But you guys feel so much positive that I am hoping that one dau I will be like you guys

[[Ch...]]

Dear Friends,

 

Thank you for all of positive words, I am only 3 months after jumping and I feel like I am so not myself. Non stop crying , hate the feeling and thoughts in head. But you guys feel so much positive that I am hoping that one dau I will be like you guys

 

You will be there someday, too, Kinia.  Three months is very early in this game.  Crying… omg, the tears I shed. 

Many of us feel like we've lost who we are… the feeling of 'I'm not me anymore.'

 

I'm actually a better 'me' than before… and many other healed people say the same thing.  Silver linings…

 

[[Ki...]]

I hope, Thank you,

[[sh...]]

Great thread,thanks flip!

 

Just wanted to stop in and mark my place.

 

Stay strong!

sharkey

[[pr...]]

There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

 

oh my God Flip! i keep telling myself daily that i can't wait to be in this place of ease and rest and that i know it will come. but right now i still feel like my CNS and brain have been hijacked and they are on lock down. no rest here yet but i'm trying daily.

 

my sleep is coming back though. last night i slept 8 hours straight and only had about one night of insommnia for 2 hours but was kinda witnessing a healing episode in my brain that i hadn't felt before. all of a sudden it felt like the house that had been on the left side of my brain lifted a little and i was having some normal thoughts and sensations. it was really nice but of course didn't last.

 

i guess i am one of the ones who is taking a little longer. and today i was in that state that i will never heal and will always feel this locked up and damaged.

 

thank you for starting this tread and giving is hope!

 

Pretty

[[Fl...]]

Wow, what a roller coaster night in Oklahoma with tornados and floods! We are all safe and dry. I appreciate that I was able to be alert and prepared but not panicky. There were quite a few years of panic during storm season while on benzos.

 

Aft, I understand your ambivalence. I went through that. Lots of time is needed to maintain a blog properly and few of us have it once we are healed. I am hoping this space can substitute for that somewhat without all the responsibility, even with the primary objective being to offer hope to those who are losing hope.

 

Pretty, I am HUGELY encouraged that you are sleeping so well. I think that is the single most important element in our healing, other than simple time itself. I think once I started sleeping that deep, restorative sleep,  things started improving quickly. Just remember this is not linear. It's like a stock market graph - up, down, up, down - but the general trend is upward.

 

Mozart, I'm really sorry about your sisters attitude. I think it comes from fear and helplessness on her part. Once you are healed, there will be some forgiveness to work through.

 

Welcome to everyone who has found this little space. Thank you to everyone who is contributing so beautifully. We will tell you as many times as you need to hear it, it gets better.  There is  a space ahead that is so clear and so calm you will bow your head with understanding and pure gratitude  when you first feel it. It is worth it. All this you now endure will fall away. It will be a memory. Keep stepping forward with a strong heart. Rest when you need to. Remember to laugh right now. Laughter is a great healer.

[[Sk...]]

Dear Friends,

 

Thank you for all of positive words, I am only 3 months after jumping and I feel like I am so not myself. Non stop crying , hate the feeling and thoughts in head. But you guys feel so much positive that I am hoping that one dau I will be like you guys

 

You will be there someday, too, Kinia.  Three months is very early in this game.  Crying… omg, the tears I shed. 

Many of us feel like we've lost who we are… the feeling of 'I'm not me anymore.'

 

I'm actually a better 'me' than before… and many other healed people say the same thing.  Silver linings…

 

 

Kinia, I am at 18 months out and I have a lot of healing to do still. However, I am not sure I want to go back to being the old me. Before, in tolerance, that wasn't me, not by a far stretch.

And I was about to lose the one person that stood by me during my CT and in wd, I was about to lose the man I love. So, here is one thing for which I am grateful today, that  is losing many toxic damaging people in my life and falling in love all over again with my amazing boyfriend and having a second amazing chance with him.

 

I believe, I truly believe, that we become better versions of ourselves in wd, so that is what you can look forward to.

[[Af...]]

Wow, what a roller coaster night in Oklahoma with tornados and floods! We are all safe and dry. I appreciate that I was able to be alert and prepared but not panicky.

 

We will tell you as many times as you need to hear it, it gets better.  There is  a space ahead that is so clear and so calm you will bow your head with understanding and pure gratitude  when you first feel it. It is worth it. All this you now endure will fall away. It will be a memory. Keep stepping forward with a strong heart. Rest when you need to. Remember to laugh right now. Laughter is a great healer.

 

So perhaps being healed is like finding the eye of a tornado?

Flip,  I love it that you can mention tornados and calm in the same post! And your healing words will widen the eye of that tornado.

So much so, that perhaps we all may fit in your place of refuge, and have a chance to rest, and glimpse what the world can be like between storms.

Thank you again for this thread. Your words are precious.  Aft

[[Mo...]]

Dear Flip,

Thank you for your words about my sister.  There is too long a history of abandonmwnt, disgust on her part, veing let down and viciouness. I have tried to forgive numerous times over the years,  but I don't want to. I will have to learn to live with zero family, as the others are all dead. It hurts and is very lonely.

 

I want to ask you all a question, my mentors....please do reply. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he has no qualms about prescribing Valium for my k to v c/o. I just want to make sure, given that I have a head injury and coma history, that I am not in seizure territory. I do not feel like I would have one, just checking. I c/t years of Xanax on January 22, as per my pdoc...mistake. that is when Hell got worse and from which I have never gotten out (of Hell).

Ashton says you can do the c/o phase from a few days to a week at each stage. Once you are c/o then each drop of v dose is 1 to 2 weeks. I am not stable, never will be. In quite a fragile, non-resilient place. Shaking, screaming, trembly mess of a person who doesn't want to be near people, house and bed bound, light and sound sensitive.

 

I have been a performer all my life, thrived on being with people...this is new for me. Life without benzos after 39 years on tgem? I can't imagine it. But, after 38 years, they, especially K, turned on mealthough not all of them.

 

Part of me wonders why I am doing this and feels I should live out my life on benzos instead of being in such misery. Is it worth it? Time will tell.

 

I think I am safe from seizures, just want your take on that. Thanks all.

 

NYC, I really liked your post. I miss my hometown of NY!

[[Ki...]]

Thank you SkyHD, You are such a positive person, I wish to be in a better place. Maybe one day

 

I just had panic attacks, so I am not doing well

 

Kinia

[[Fl...]]

Aft, thank you. Great analogy, honestly. It is that kind of peace in some ways. Hopefully it is longer lasting. 

 

Mozart, no one can guarantee this will work for you. We can only tell our stories. We are experts on our stories. We know how sick we were and we know how well we feel now by comparison. We let our lives be our testimony now, and do so with gratitude and reverence. Still, this is 100% your decision and you are in the drivers seat. Your intuition is your best ally. We all have that little voice inside us that is our inner wisdom. The best gift you can gift yourself, in my opinion, is to listen very closely to that intuition and you will be led in the direction your life should go.

 

Ok, at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, I just have to share this little example of healed. Examples of healed are good. Today, a facilitator at a meeting is sick. He called me and asked me if I would do the meeting tonight. I have never done one of these meetings before. I've attended but never facilitated. I said yes without hesitation because I can rely on my brain now. I used to have that dreaded benzo freeze where I would start talking and completely freeze up to the point where people would get uncomfortable. I haven't done that for a while. I used to blush furiously when a group of people looked at me. Not any more. This is a new freedom for me. Ever so grateful.

 

Someone else share an example of healed, OK? We want to let people see what it looks like so they can hold it close to their hearts.

[[Mo...]]

Hey Flip! Thanks for the words AND congratulations! Big step for you! I have been a professional performer all my life and I know what that takes. That IS a major heal.

I can give you a close to heal.

I have had the first NORMAL day today finally from the Hell I've been in. I have had to turn down TWO headlining comedy gigs on the last two months. Next one that comes along I WILL ACCEPT IT. That is a huge statement....but an almost heal eh?

I also turned down a request to walk yesterday and today with a wonderful friend. Next request I will accept even in this intense Valium fatigue

Hold me to it BBs!

Wishing you all windows

Live

Mo

 

[[Mo...]]

And doc emailed me back...no seizure risk.

Jenn are you ok today?

Love

Mo