Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Af...]]

Rapunzel,  :smitten:I think it's a good sign that you HAVE dreams. For so long, many of us have none. If they are dark right now, remember they are part of healing too, and they may be helping you release or work through something . I was going to ask you about a blog- it sounds like it might help you keep focus, and your anonomity is will be as protected as you want it to be, day by day. I find as time goes on I wAnt to share more and more of my real world life with my friends here, but many don't. The Blogs are also not visible to guests- did you know that?

[[ra...]]

I didn't know that! That is great info. Thanks for telling me. It means so much that you encourage my writing.

 

I know I used to have dreams but they aren't really powerful for me anymore. Everything has lost its magic. But knowing that other people here are suffering just as I am helps me get some perspective. I am trying to pretend I believe and act as I I think I would want myself to act if I were healthy. I'm so scared that life means nothing and we are all doomed. The things that used to protect against me feeling that way are gone. But I am clinging to the faith that these are just thoughts, another symptom of benzo withdrawal, and they will go.

[[Af...]]

Rapunzel, As If- is one of the most powerful tools we have! Trust your instincts, this will help you

[[lo...]]

It is almost my bedtime so I wont write too much now

 

Hello Flipster. Thank you for starting this thread.

 

I am not one to write on the open forum. I felt more comfy when I had my own blog. But that as gone now.

 

I am now 22 months completely drug free. And if you had said to me 12 months ago. That I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have told you .

Well you know what I am thinking.

 

Today I did a sponsored walk for my local R.S.P.C.A . It was only for 3 miles. But don't forget us Ducks only have little feet.

A few week ago . I was helping out at a fashion show. I do volunteering work for the R.S.P. C. A. something our dear friend Flipster suggested.

If my memory serves me right.

 

There were at least a 100 people there. And I had a great time. Helping behind the scenes. It was good to have laugh and a joke. It had been  a long

time since I did both.

 

I still have bad days. But that could be because I am also a menopausal old Duck. Symptoms are so like benzo.

 

Anyway I just want to say that it takes time. How long who knows. We are all different . But I know for me things are certainly changing for the better.

And anyone that is going through this time in your life. You will look back and think. How the heck did I get through it. But you will. 

 

One day a time is my motto.

 

Stay strong and let the battle commence.

 

Duckie

 

I am so pleased to hear how well you are doing. 

 

I remember how depressed you were.

 

Hugs

 

LF 

[[Mo...]]

It is almost my bedtime so I wont write too much now

 

Hello Flipster. Thank you for starting this thread.

 

I am not one to write on the open forum. I felt more comfy when I had my own blog. But that as gone now.

 

I am now 22 months completely drug free. And if you had said to me 12 months ago. That I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have told you .

Well you know what I am thinking.

 

Today I did a sponsored walk for my local R.S.P.C.A . It was only for 3 miles. But don't forget us Ducks only have little feet.

A few week ago . I was helping out at a fashion show. I do volunteering work for the R.S.P. C. A. something our dear friend Flipster suggested.

If my memory serves me right.

 

There were at least a 100 people there. And I had a great time. Helping behind the scenes. It was good to have laugh and a joke. It had been  a long

time since I did both.

 

I still have bad days. But that could be because I am also a menopausal old Duck. Symptoms are so like benzo.

 

Anyway I just want to say that it takes time. How long who knows. We are all different . But I know for me things are certainly changing for the better.

And anyone that is going through this time in your life. You will look back and think. How the heck did I get through it. But you will. 

 

One day a time is my motto.

 

Stay strong and let the battle commence.

 

Duckie

 

Duckie ?  a Fashion Show ? I told you one day you might even end up

as a Fashion Model for Playboy  and you are nearly there now...

 

So happy to hear about your progress....don't forget us please !

 

 

[[el...]]

Hey Duck,

 

Good to see you again...only 3 miles!  You are doing quite well.  Glad to see you helped at a fashion show too...making great progress!

 

Ellen

[[pr...]]

I am trying to pretend I believe and act as I I think I would want myself to act if I were healthy. I'm so scared that life means nothing and we are all doomed. The things that used to protect against me feeling that way are gone. But I am clinging to the faith that these are just thoughts, another symptom of benzo withdrawal, and they will go.

 

 

i've been acting as if lately and seeing some good results with it. when i lay down for nap i get into a deep meditative state and envision myself walking normally and feeling my brain light and peaceful. it's actually really hard to do to get into the "felt perception" within the body and not just see myself doing healthy acts -- but actually digging deep within that felt perception. it's really difficult to do.

 

rapunzel,

 

these disturbing thoughts are all just a symptom of benzo withdrawal and will absolutely go away. last night out of blue i was having disturbing thoughts that someone or a bunch of men would come in our house and blow us all away with shotguns. it just came up out of nowhere and i had to just say "delete and cancel -- i am not giving any energy to these thoughts of withdrawal" and think of something else more positive or something i loved or love to do.

 

that would be great if you start a buddie blog, i will pop by and see you.   if that's okay?

 

 

so i went to the dentist today and it went very well even though i didn't sleep at all last night and woke up feeling all hunched over with a brick on the left side of my brain. but i knew that as time passed within the day and just being out i would feel better when i came home and i do. me and my mother were lauging in the kitchen last night about how i use to be all hunched over and could barely walk fro the silverware drawer to the refridgerator so that's a good sign. hopefully i will be able to laugh about a lot of symptoms one day.

 

i think i will find success within myself when i am back in the recording studio and finishing the second record of which i started about a decade ago now. way too long. but i have to keep telling myself that i am healing and i will be starting my book about my whole benzo experience that i've had since i was 15 years old. -- and i have started my Out Of Body / Astral Projection experiences book and excited about that. although not every night, my lucid dreams and out of body experiences are something i look forward to and helps me distract a ton and also helps to just get out of this physical body for a little bit.

 

so those are some of the things i look forward to and seeing the cute little Hummingbirds wash their little cheeks on the stone water fountain just outside my house -- i will try to snap a photograph of them at some point and show you all. i love the way they wash their little cheeks in the water running on the stone fountain.

 

and Duckie, i must of missed your post but nice to see you back and how are you doing?

 

love, Pretty

[[Ca...]]

Wow Challis, that is truly amazing! I have so much sensitivity to noise right now and it seems that almost everything triggers tremendous anxiety in me. But healing is happening. Thank you for your story. 

 

At my sickest,  even the TV set at 1 (the very lowest setting)  was excruciating in my head.

Now I can listen to it set at 10 +  no problem.

It does get better.

Love Carol

[[Ki...]]

Today I was hit with ;

 

Klonopin withdraw

Effexor Withdraw

Paxil start up

 

OMG,

[[Co...]]

I need some encouragment from polydruggers. Because of really bad side effects I need to do a fast taper from trazodone. I'm really scared. Sometimes I feel my life is over because of this mess. I'm so so scared, I hope it won't be as bad as benzo acute... I really wish, I found this site much much earlier so I could have had the info.

[[Fl...]]

Corsair, I'm going to repost what Stllbelieving wrote. She is the best example if a healed CT I know. Hope you will find hope and comfort in it. I'm sorry for how you suffer. Know that you will not always feel this way. 

---------

 

 

For my love and appreciation to all Flip did in supporting and helping me, I am

here to extend my words of support to you, as she has asked me to do. I remember

how important words from others that had healed were to me and I'm sure they are

to all as well.

 

Yes HEALING DOES HAPPEN!!!!  As I sit here right now I am the healthiest and

calmest I have been since Fall of 1995 when I started Xanax after I weaned my 2

yr old from breastfeeding. I was put on Xanax for the hormone imbalance PMS. 

I'm not going to go deep into how sick I became while on xanax for almost 16

years, nor will I go into the full Hell that I went through with my c/t and

recovery. One day I may elaborate more on those times, possibly but for now I am

here to say HEALING DOES HAPPEN. That's where I focus, that's the words you need

to have Faith with.

 

As Flip had mentioned in an earlier post she at times didn't know if I would

survive. Being a c/t was a dangerous way to come off a benzo. I was poorly

advised by the medical community in one sense but in another I had become so ill

with adverse reactions to it no matter what dose I took – it was affecting my

heart where I was admitted to the hospital 3 xs on the cardiac ward within 4

months – last stay was 3 nights and four days. I was being sent to Cleveland

Clinic for the cardiologists here didn't know what was the cause. Within a week

after c/t those cardiac symptoms were gone, benzos was the cause. So basically

that is why I c/t out of desperation to rid myself of the poison so I could

heal.  Which I have!!!!!

 

Its hard to write this being there is so much to say. It's hard to relive – I as

everyone, loss so much time from this journey, I don't stay on BB anymore not

from not having healed and not wanting anyone to know. I use to think people

became silent for it was a secret they hadn't really healed and just accepted

that fact and withdrew quietly in the background.  Now I believe that majority

of people are like me, they lived the Hell and regain their health and start

living fully again and BB becomes a distant memory. It was my life line for so long but

I no longer need the line.  I wake in the mornings and

benzos aren't on my mind. I wake feeling ready for my day and looking forward to

a full normal life. There isn't enough hours in my days now.

 

The physical and emotional sxs are gone. I am just about 100% sx free every day,

all day and all night long. If I do get overly tired I might get a little

vibrating going in my feet, or notice a bit of ringing in my ears that night but

I just turn on my sleep youtube music and that drowns it out. When I wake in the

morning or even a couple hrs later the ringing is gone. It is just the fine tuning my

CNS is needing to strengthen still.

 

I do want to stress that eating a clean hypoglycemic diet helped me

tremendously!!!! I eat whole foods, nothing processed.  I eat eggs and fish,

with avocado and possibly a few blueberries for breakfast each day. I eat snacks

of almonds, nuts, hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese – protein, between my meals.

Lunch and dinner always good clean high protein, low carb meals. Before bed I

have started eating cottage cheese and blueberries which helps my blood sugar

during the night remain stable, which has helped with my sleeping.  I can not

stress enough to eat the high protein, low carb, healthy fats and drinking lots

of water!!!!!  We have to fuel our bodies with nutrition, it doesn't take the wd

sxs away but I did find it diminished them, and later also started seeing

vibrations sometimes came when my sugar levels were down. Many of hypoglycemic

sxs are the same as wd sxs.  I learned when I got anxious which is part of life,

and the adrenaline flowed if I ate some nuts or a piece of cheese then my sugar

didn't drop drastic from the adrenaline effect.  I carry nuts in my purse and

car at all times, I would rather eat a few nuts than feel anxious from low blood

sugar.  As I get further and further out, which I am now 44 months, my blood

sugar is stabilizing and I'm not having to eat as strict. Earlier on around 2

yrs out when I changed my way of eating, I couldn't eat much fruit. It was just

too high in sugar for me, now I always add a few nuts with the fruit to just

make sure I stay balanced. I don't plan to ever not eat as I am now, it is just

healthier.

 

With food you have to get rid of the MSG additives. MSG effects the glutamate

neurotransmitter and the pancreas along with other issues. So not only does it

stimulate our already excited CNS but it causes the pancreas to over produce –

thus making hypoglycemia worse.  I had trouble with msg prior benzos but now

within a half hour of consuming it I am effected and if I didn't know better I

would say I'm in a wave. It is not a wave from benzos recovery but rather

circumstances have affected my fragile system and set off some symptoms. So if I

keep it out of my body then – no sxs. Google all the ways MSG is hidden by other

names in our foods, google the effects MSG has on the body. It shouldn't be

consumed by anyone, especially children whose brains are developing. More and

more products are being made without it but you have to really search and read labels.

 

Another thing that has helped me was I started doing EFT when Flip introduced me

to it around 19 months. I watch youtubes and had enough success from it that I

went at 21 months to a 3 day workshop with an EFT Practitioner.  I used it

sometimes 6 -8 xs a day if need. It is proven to lower cortisol levels, proven

through blood testing.  There is a book The Tapping Solution you can buy, and

you can google the movie – The Tapping Solution and watch it for free on line.

This was a big big coping skill tool for me.  I still use it to this day and

will continue to the rest of my life to just deal with stress or a headache or

normal anxiety in life. I now use it not daily but as I need it. It doesn't work

miracles in the sense that it takes the sxs away but when I was in strong waves

it lowered the intensity, it helped me deal with them happening.

 

Walking – ½ hr to 40 minutes I do – averaging 4 -5 xs a week. My counselor

had told me walking releases endorphins, so  I started walking – I do both

treadmill and outside depending on weather. I had started with 5 minutes a day

and worked my way up to 75 minutes, as well as increased my speed. I noticed

my sleep wasn't as good, my recovery from walking took longer,

in other words I could do the 75 minutes but

I was very tired. I started feeling like I needed to cry even though everything

was good, something wasn't right. Well from walking over 40 minutes I was

increasing my cortisol levels and it was affecting me definitely. The body

produces cortisol after the 40 minutes of strenuous exercise, day in day out

that was too much for me at this time. So I cut the walking back and all settled.

 

Ok I will say I did go on Lyrica – my mother passed suddenly when I was 4 months

out of my c/t. It was too great for me to handle – Lyrica saved my life, I don't

believe I would have made it without it. It settled me so I could heal. Would I

have gone on it if my mother hadn't passed, I believe not but we will never

know. But I am also able to say, even going on Lyrica I still healed!!! It is

better in my opinion to go on a medication rather than take ones life and that

is where I was headed. I will be honest, it is frightening that I was ever that

desperate and had such thoughts but I did. Mom's death pushed me to where I

wasn't even physically able to hold my head still, nor pull my pants down to use

the restroom, or brush my teeth – at 4 months out my body was to the extreme of

breaking, it was violently jerking, walking was a struggle. Up until mom's

passing I was definitely in c/t wd but after her passing I became dangerously

ill. I'm very thankful I had the option to take Lyrica and be here today and say

I'm healed from benzos and living a full life. At this time I am on 50 mg a day

down from 225 mg a day. I have used water titration to taper down very slowly at

my choosing. I plan to hold here until ?  I have no side effects from Lyrica, in

fact since I went on it I haven't had a migraine which I have had since my

teens, so I'm wondering if Lyrica is my migraine freedom. I don't know only time

of going off will tell and right now – I'm just living people. Right now I am

not going through anymore tapering and anymore body balancing – I lost almost 20

years to life from benzos and other non necessary medications. I'll address my

future with Lyrica in a year and see where I am on starting water titration

again or not. Oh but let me say this, Lyrica did stop the jerking but I still

had the nerve  burning, vibrations, fears, wd sxs – I still had wd but the

jerking stopped. That's what I attribute to Lyrica, it stopped the violent

jerking but the rest I still had to go thru in order to heal.

 

Whew I sure never meant to write this long post.  I hope you heard me loud and

clear HEALING DOES HAPPEN!!!!  I hope you will decide to really eat a good

hypoglycemic clean diet. The EFT works for me, but I was also so fortunate to

have a practitioner help me really get the concept so I could fine tune what I

needed. Exercise is a definite proven benefit in moderation. Lyrica for me – I

can't say to anyone to take or not take, each has to weigh those choices with a

good qualified doctor, but remember it didn't take away all my wd sxs.

 

I will leave this post, and I'm going to say up front I'm not going to be coming

back and start posting to comments, maybe once in a while but not now. I am

moving on, I'm living, I am finding out who this new woman is that lost almost

19 years of her life. My children are finally getting to know their real mom,

they grew up with a mom sick and recluse and in bed in pain – physical and

mental. That's all gone and we are embracing this new relationship. My loyal and

awesome husband deserves for this chapter to end and BB and benzos not stay in

our conversation. He deserves the woman that he married and he knew was still in

there somewhere to be present and his partner again. I'm honestly out socially,

rekindled friendships I hadn't seen in 15 yrs, making new friends, joining

groups, gardening, crafts, bible studies, camping, cooking, laughing, and

falling in love with life!!!!

 

Hold on, keep your Faith and you will heal also, but you do have to do things to

help the journey. Eat properly, avoid chemicals in food and environment,

exercise, meditate of some sort, relaxation, and for me Pray.

 

Thank you to BB and all that helped me thru, with special thanks to Flip who met

me on the TRAP and was with me from 4 months on, Colleen who was there from my

early BB days, Sunnygirl02 who hasn't healed but I know she will one day and Pattylu

who traveled with me from 2 yrs on - she's the lighthouse of my Storm Sisters, my special

women. I love all these women so much, I received much knowledge and wisdom and

support from each one.

 

Stillbelieving  Healing Does Happen – aka Joy is my new name – I honestly feel

JOY most days         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[ih...]]

I have to acknowledge StillBelievings great testament to healing.

 

I was a cold turkey from 5 years of zopiclone & tramadol, the sleep med rxd because the tramadol caused insomnia. I had barely healed when a long course of Cipro sent me back into acute. Enter valium for 18 months or so then an Ashton taper. Am now 30 months benzo free.

 

After CT, I was substantially bed ridden for the best part of a year but by the end of year 2, I had something approaching a life again. On valium, I could do more but once I started tapering was still subject to periods of acute. It is only now in hindsight, i realise how very impaired my brain still was.

 

Much healing has happened & my life is fuller than ever. I have been able to restart my PhD studies & know that I am intellectually competent to manage. I had to withdraw from studying several times during withdrawal & much as I had wished to launch myself back to normality, it wasn't my time.

 

I wish that I had known then that my time would come, as will yours. My focus was on the life that was passing me by & I was frustrated & often despairing.

 

I completely endorse eating the best diet for you, ideally unprocessed food with plenty of protein for the amino acids you need to rebuild your neurotransmitters & lots of oily fish or DHA oil to give your brainthe best chance, (brains are made of large amounts of DHA.) if you have no appetite or find you cant tolerate some foods, please don't stress about what you "should" be eating, it will sort itself out when you are ready.

 

Exercise is great, if you can amange some.

 

That said, most of healing is about the passing of time without benzos, during which you may feel that nothing is changing while at a micro level, your cells are relearning to function again.

 

I have never been incarcerated by the state but there are similarities with benzo withdrawal. You lose most of your choices & are left only with choosing how to do your time. I did a lot of hard time & tried to control the process.

 

Somewhat later, I came to mindfulness & that for me was the best recovery tool & something I have been able to maintain. I had tried to resume my meditation in withdrawal but my brain would not allow it. Simply focussing on my breathing & the physical sensations of the discomfort with no expectations was doable.

 

At 54, i find myslef with a resurgence of hormones & emotions that can feel like being a teenager agai. Mindfulness is helping me to navigate this new territory.

 

Flip is a gold mine of resources spiritual & practical & a shining example of how you can do your time.

 

Find humour wherever you can. I loved the party thread & thinking about the return of the Mayans still makes me smile. Not sure if too many others beside Flip are still around but sometimes being silly is the best distraction.

 

I would never have volunteered for this compulsory character development but there is wisdom on BBs that has expanded my thinking & people who give me hope for the future of our world.

 

Great to hear from you Duck & DP.

 

 

[[no...]]

I need some encouragment from polydruggers. Because of really bad side effects I need to do a fast taper from trazodone. I'm really scared. Sometimes I feel my life is over because of this mess. I'm so so scared, I hope it won't be as bad as benzo acute... I really wish, I found this site much much earlier so I could have had the info.

 

Hi sweetie  I was poly drugged for year's and Trazodone was one of the many drugs I was on, I am NOT recommending or even suggesting you do it but I CT'd Trazadone ( 50mg 3 times a day) while tapering off a high dose  Oxycodone. then CT off Oxycontin and the CT Amylriptyline. 

 

Trazodone was hugely nowhere near as bad as Benzo withdrawal although it wasn't pleasant, and at the same time I was looking after my Mother who was dying of Cancer and was also in Benzo withdrawal. My sleep went out the window, tinnitus was crap I felt depressed and anxious but nothing like this Benzo lark, I was on Trazodone for about two months it was one of a large amount of drugs I was prescribed.

 

I was feeling much better off Trazodone after about 5-6 weeks I only went CT as I was seriously poly drugged, and was desperate to try and find a way out of the madness of misdiagnoses and being poisoned for year's in a mess and trying to look after my Mother.

 

I can't suggest ''exactly'' what you should do as I'm tapering off the last and worst of the Benzos I was prescribed, but I found this on 'Drugs.com

 

''Trazodone extended-release tablets are scored to provide flexibility in dosing. Trazodone extended-release tablets can be swallowed whole or administered as a half tablet by breaking the tablet along the score line. Breaking the tablet in half does not affect the controlled-release properties of the tablet.

In order to maintain its controlled-release properties, trazodone extended-release tablets should not be chewed or crushed.

 

 

They can be broken without effecting the way the tablets work, do you think you might be able to try breaking one to reduce the dose and see how you go? Did you have a tapering problem because you were trying to drop a whole pill? maybe if thats what it was you will fair better trying by breaking a pill in half or even less as if halving it won't effect it I can't see making smaller cuts making any difference either.

 

The only warning about breaking the pill I can find is the same as above ''Do not chew or crush the pill'  and nothing else to worry about.

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[ra...]]

Rapunzel, As If- is one of the most powerful tools we have! Trust your instincts, this will help you

Thank you so much.    I feel cut off from my helpful instincts sometimes and it seems like the scary obsessive thoughts are my "new" instincts. But I have to remember that they are not natural.

 

 

I am trying to pretend I believe and act as I I think I would want myself to act if I were healthy. I'm so scared that life means nothing and we are all doomed. The things that used to protect against me feeling that way are gone. But I am clinging to the faith that these are just thoughts, another symptom of benzo withdrawal, and they will go.

 

 

i've been acting as if lately and seeing some good results with it. when i lay down for nap i get into a deep meditative state and envision myself walking normally and feeling my brain light and peaceful. it's actually really hard to do to get into the "felt perception" within the body and not just see myself doing healthy acts -- but actually digging deep within that felt perception. it's really difficult to do.

 

rapunzel,

 

these disturbing thoughts are all just a symptom of benzo withdrawal and will absolutely go away. last night out of blue i was having disturbing thoughts that someone or a bunch of men would come in our house and blow us all away with shotguns. it just came up out of nowhere and i had to just say "delete and cancel -- i am not giving any energy to these thoughts of withdrawal" and think of something else more positive or something i loved or love to do.

 

that would be great if you start a buddie blog, i will pop by and see you.   if that's okay?

 

That is absolutely okay! I would be honored. 

 

Sorry to hear about the scary thoughts you had, but thank you so much for reassuring me. It feels like I need to just keep hearing over and over that these are due to withdrawal and they will go. Someday my brain might be in a better condition to reasonably assess some of these fears but that is not today. And worrying about things that are unlikely to happen will not help anything.

 

I loved reading what you wrote about the hummingbirds. What an adorable image! I hope you're able to keep finding uplifting things like that. Thanks again for your wonderful thoughtfulness and help.

 

 

Wow Challis, that is truly amazing! I have so much sensitivity to noise right now and it seems that almost everything triggers tremendous anxiety in me. But healing is happening. Thank you for your story. 

 

At my sickest,  even the TV set at 1 (the very lowest setting)  was excruciating in my head.

Now I can listen to it set at 10 +  no problem.

It does get better.

Love Carol

 

Carol, that is such a relief! Congratulations on your healing. Thank you so much for giving me hope and something to look forward to. 

[[Fl...]]

I have to acknowledge StillBelievings great testament to healing.

 

I was a cold turkey from 5 years of zopiclone & tramadol, the sleep med rxd because the tramadol caused insomnia. I had barely healed when a long course of Cipro sent me back into acute. Enter valium for 18 months or so then an Ashton taper. Am now 30 months benzo free.

 

After CT, I was substantially bed ridden for the best part of a year but by the end of year 2, I had something approaching a life again. On valium, I could do more but once I started tapering was still subject to periods of acute. It is only now in hindsight, i realise how very impaired my brain still was.

 

Much healing has happened & my life is fuller than ever. I have been able to restart my PhD studies & know that I am intellectually competent to manage. I had to withdraw from studying several times during withdrawal & much as I had wished to launch myself back to normality, it wasn't my time.

 

I wish that I had known then that my time would come, as will yours. My focus was on the life that was passing me by & I was frustrated & often despairing.

 

I completely endorse eating the best diet for you, ideally unprocessed food with plenty of protein for the amino acids you need to rebuild your neurotransmitters & lots of oily fish or DHA oil to give your brainthe best chance, (brains are made of large amounts of DHA.) if you have no appetite or find you cant tolerate some foods, please don't stress about what you "should" be eating, it will sort itself out when you are ready.

 

Exercise is great, if you can amange some.

 

That said, most of healing is about the passing of time without benzos, during which you may feel that nothing is changing while at a micro level, your cells are relearning to function again.

 

I have never been incarcerated by the state but there are similarities with benzo withdrawal. You lose most of your choices & are left only with choosing how to do your time. I did a lot of hard time & tried to control the process.

 

Somewhat later, I came to mindfulness & that for me was the best recovery tool & something I have been able to maintain. I had tried to resume my meditation in withdrawal but my brain would not allow it. Simply focussing on my breathing & the physical sensations of the discomfort with no expectations was doable.

 

At 54, i find myslef with a resurgence of hormones & emotions that can feel like being a teenager agai. Mindfulness is helping me to navigate this new territory.

 

Flip is a gold mine of resources spiritual & practical & a shining example of how you can do your time.

 

Find humour wherever you can. I loved the party thread & thinking about the return of the Mayans still makes me smile. Not sure if too many others beside Flip are still around but sometimes being silly is the best distraction.

 

I would never have volunteered for this compulsory character development but there is wisdom on BBs that has expanded my thinking & people who give me hope for the future of our world.

 

Great to hear from you Duck & DP.

 

 

 

Ihope, thank you so much for taking the time to post. I will be reposting this at intervals as we all forget to go back and look at the victorious things. You are another wonderful proof that cold turkeys do indeed heal.

 

I'm so pleased to learn you are pursuing your PhD studies. Remind me of your field. I know it is health care, but do not know your speciality. I feel so encouraged by the full return of your cognitive ability.

 

I know you are incredibly busy, which makes this appearance here even more special. I hope you will check in from time to time with updates!!!!!

[[jj...]]

I haven't completely finished my taper, but I did want to add to these wonderful posts that it is actually possible to get much better even during the tapering process. I won't bore anyone with my particular details other than to say my withdrawal was... well anyone who has been through it knows there really aren't adequate words for the physical, mental and emotional torment of acute withdrawal. At my lowest point in January and February of 2014, most of my thinking was obsessed with how I could end my misery without anyone knowing that I had deliberately ended it.

 

But from that lowest point, following my crossover, I have gradually improved body, mind and spirit. I have shed a lot of old baggage along the way. I still have the tail end of my taper to finish and I'm not "fully healed", but I'm clear, I'm happy and I'm back to living my life.

 

If you are reading this for hope, take heart, it does indeed get better and as many people have said, you may actually emerge a better person on the other side having gone through it. Fire tempers the soul's steel.

 

Peace and blessings, jj

[[Fl...]]

That's great news, JJ!! Can you find words to describe that transition between wanting to die and becoming happy with life? Was it just a gradual transition for you or did something pivotal happen. I'm really interested in how your self talk has changed - that daily mantra in your head. I know you're still tapering and if this is asking too much right now, I understand and it's ok. 

 

 

[[jj...]]

That's great news, JJ!! Can you find words to describe that transition between wanting to die and becoming happy with life? Was it just a gradual transition for you or did something pivotal happen. I'm really interested in how your self talk has changed - that daily mantra in your head. I know you're still tapering and if this is asking too much right now, I understand and it's ok. 

 

It was a very gradual process, like rash slowly healing. I'm sure others can relate, you start with just trying to get through each endless moment, then each hour, each day and somewhere along the way you realize that you actually are doing much better. For example, I went through months where the only emotion I was able to feel was varying intensities of anger and frustration. One day last summer I was in the grocery store (typically awful in withdrawal) and it hit me that I was actually feeling something akin to affection and warmth for the people around me. More of a glimmer than anything, but enough that it really got my attention. My thinking and cognition slowly improved in the same way. There are lots of little milestones along the way, being able to enjoy music again or reading. Or walking and being in nature. It all came back and I got to say, once you lose those things for a while, they are much sweeter when they return.

[[Fl...]]

Thank you, JJ, for putting that into words. I agree that it's all much sweeter when it returns. I was on the angry side for a while, but as I a started feeling better, I became more grateful than anything. Its a magical thing, this coming back alive! 

[[ma...]]

There are lots of little milestones along the way, being able to enjoy music again or reading. Or walking and being in nature. It all came back and I got to say, once you lose those things for a while, they are much sweeter when they return.

 

This is so true JJ, I appreciate the simple things in life, I guess I took a lot for granted before.  Today a simple walk through the park is just wonderful.  When I came back to life, it was like I was looking at everything through new eyes, getting a second chance at life and being so grateful.

 

I continue to get this feel good feeling when I go on a simple trip to the local promenade, or even the park.  It doesn't take a cruise or a Mediterranean holiday to make me feel excited lol  I can feel wonderful sat in my garden on a sunny day, It really doesn't take much to make me happy these days, I am so grateful.

 

I get emotional when I think of the many members who helped me get here. Most of them were having a rough time, but they never tired of my, "Somebody please tell me I will get better” question every day.  Without those heroes, I have no doubt that I would not have made it, this forum is full of heroes.

 

I know its a tough journey, and its easy to lose hope, never give up, you will recover with time

 

Magrita http://www.picgifs.com/mini-graphics/mini-graphics/butterflies/mini-graphics-butterflies-247201.gif

[[Al...]]

Yesterday I decided to take Amtrak into NYC and have dinner with friends. I rode the subway (which I never really loved) but I remained completely calm on the subway and that felt GREAT!! I was taking Amtrak home from Penn Station when all of the trains were cancelled. Long story short I was stuck in NYC and I thought I would have to sleep in Penn Station all night. I remained completely calm (felt no stress, no anxiety) I felt like my old self and I was able to find some people to share UBER with. I made it home after a very stressful experience.

 

I am 19 weeks off today and I wanted to share my stressful story with everyone. The fact that I remained completely calm in a very stressful situation only proves that I am healing. Everyone heals in time!!

Fran

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Wednesday, May. 13

 

The more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize that how you use it, how you manifest it, is all your responsibility. We face such a big task, so naturally we sit down for a while.

 

Kobun Chino Otogawa Roshi

 

[[ra...]]

Gosh, this is all so hopeful! I am so grateful to each of you for sharing your stories. 

 

Magrita, JJ, and Flip, thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I am trying to enjoy the small things as much as I can. Most of the time it's just saying to myself, "I'm grateful that I can at least do this" while not really feeling anything. But I think things are slowly getting better, it's just so small day by day that I barely notice it. I'm significantly better than I was a few months ago, though.

 

Awesome job managing all that stress, Fran. I'm so glad you were able to do that! Definitely proves that healing is happening and you're stronger than you think you are. We all get so messed up having constant fear in our heads.

[[no...]]

I need some encouragment from polydruggers. Because of really bad side effects I need to do a fast taper from trazodone. I'm really scared. Sometimes I feel my life is over because of this mess. I'm so so scared, I hope it won't be as bad as benzo acute... I really wish, I found this site much much earlier so I could have had the info.

 

Hi sweetie  I was poly drugged for year's and Trazodone was one of the many drugs I was on, I am NOT recommending or even suggesting you do it but I CT'd Trazadone ( 50mg 3 times a day) while tapering off a high dose  Oxycodone. then CT off Oxycontin and the CT Amylriptyline. 

 

Trazodone was hugely nowhere near as bad as Benzo withdrawal although it wasn't pleasant, and at the same time I was looking after my Mother who was dying of Cancer and was also in Benzo withdrawal. My sleep went out the window, tinnitus was crap I felt depressed and anxious but nothing like this Benzo lark, I was on Trazodone for about two months it was one of a large amount of drugs I was prescribed.

 

I was feeling much better off Trazodone after about 5-6 weeks I only went CT as I was seriously poly drugged, and was desperate to try and find a way out of the madness of misdiagnoses and being poisoned for year's in a mess and trying to look after my Mother.

 

I can't suggest ''exactly'' what you should do as I'm tapering off the last and worst of the Benzos I was prescribed, but I found this on 'Drugs.com

 

''Trazodone extended-release tablets are scored to provide flexibility in dosing. Trazodone extended-release tablets can be swallowed whole or administered as a half tablet by breaking the tablet along the score line. Breaking the tablet in half does not affect the controlled-release properties of the tablet.

In order to maintain its controlled-release properties, trazodone extended-release tablets should not be chewed or crushed.

 

 

They can be broken without effecting the way the tablets work, do you think you might be able to try breaking one to reduce the dose and see how you go? Did you have a tapering problem because you were trying to drop a whole pill? maybe if thats what it was you will fair better trying by breaking a pill in half or even less as if halving it won't effect it I can't see making smaller cuts making any difference either.

 

The only warning about breaking the pill I can find is the same as above ''Do not chew or crush the pill'  and nothing else to worry about.

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

I'm correcting an error I made sorry Corsair  Regarding the Oxycodone and the Oxycontin, I tapered off the Oxycontin not the Oxycodone, the Oxycotin was 80mgs slow release and was not marked for cutting. But I cut it up in to eights by quartering a quarter of a pill as a quarter a time was too much to cope, and it never diluted the drug effect at all and I got off with really minimal discomfort. The oxycodone was instantaneous and I went CT off that.

 

Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[MT...]]

Hi all. I'm having a really tough time holding on today. I feel out of fight, like I don't have it anymore for this day in, day out battle. I've been reading this thread bit by bit for the past few days and your words have been inspiring and comforting but I feel there's so little of me left. Nothing I try makes any difference. Today I had my 3rd shot at acupuncture with no help. I've done diet, exercise, mindfulness, many youtube meditations, every supplement recommended (either no effect or bad side effects). How have you folks done this month after month, year after year?

 

I miss believing in fairies too.