Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Fl...]]

Jackie, that tearfulness and depression is so normal. I believe most people experience that, even if they have never been on a benzo. You are different in that you know it will pass. You have days when you feel so well...so different than at the beginning of this. Say a few things about that. Let people know how far you've come. Great to see you here!

 

Hopeful-One great to see you, too! Yes, this will be a place of encouragement. Weather, weather, weather. Focus on the slight improvement. Thank you for talking about neurofeedback. I think it has great potential for restoring us.

 

Carol, yes, Ive followed your thread and have agonized with you over the GI issues. Hopefully you are on the mend. We will depend on you here to offer perspective and hope. You have a unique perspective and have come so far.

 

Nevercantell- what a story! I hope someone weighs in on the meds. I'm not familiar with them, but it would not surprise me at all if they are causing you to be dizzy. You are definitely a survivor. You will also survive this!

 

Smiff, welcome.

 

A day of peace and hope for you all. Remember to thank your bodies for what they are doing right, like breathing, digesting, seeing, hearing (at least from one ear), carrying you to the kitchen and bathroom even when you feel like you can't. Where there is life, there is hope. This is a journey and we are all on it.

Flip

[[Sk...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

I have just started reading this thread and this post is beautiful and encouraging, thanks Fliprain.

 

I am at 18 months out, I am tired of analyzing my symptoms, this is so wonderful, I too look forward to reaching this level of harmony that you have reached. I hope many healed buddies join.

 

 

Thanks again.

[[Mo...]]

Following....thank you for starting the thread Flip.

[[Se...]]

I think I love this thread!

[[no...]]

I'll follow this too

[[Sa...]]

Wow, I've been gone a few days, what a fantastic thread. I don't want to forget any names, but Flip M and Chall in particular I spent many hours reading your blogs for inspiration. I'm so happy you all are well enough to encourage and support. Very uplifting and inspiring as always. Thank you 

[[Mo...]]

NCT,

I feel for you. Quite an ordeal. I hope you keep working with your supportive GP. I hope you will get through this all right. I have a childhood friend who has undergone three brain surgeries...she was the first recipient of laser knife surgery at Johns Hopkins,  she lives in Maryland, and she has type 1 diabetes plus celiac. She goes on somehow. She is depressed.  I don't know if I could do it.

Please hang in there. I think it will keep getting better.

I hate when doctors don't look at what we are taking or eating, etc.

M

[[or...]]

Great posts, Flip and Challis. Thank you, Flip, for starting this thread.

 

Okatz

[[pi...]]

Flip!!! What a great thread, thanks for starting it. 

 

I'll try to pop in here when I have time, I'm usually on the forum just to check on things and then I'm off again doing my usual life stuff. We have a new puppy so it's been like having a baby.  She's adorable and acting like a 2 year old now. 

[[Mo...]]

Please tell me...what do I do on days like this with high, high anxiety and fear of psychosis?  I am in stage 4, schedule 5 of Ashton, so still taking 3 doses of meds a day. Valium now starting to be less effective, hard dreams and woke up so fearful today. Thanks for any advice/mentoring.

[[No...]]

Hi ... no matter where I have been on this journey ... no matter how hard my storms are ... no matter how lost and discourage and confused I feel ... there is always at least a little bit of resilience still there ...

 

There is a centre, a core somewhere within that keeps glowing ... sometimes it is only a small whisper ... sometimes it is a quiet, sly, smile, and sometimes it flows throughout my body, palpable, warm, and soothing ...

 

No matter what goes on with this process, some 44 months for me now (taper and recovery) ... my core has never been extinguished ...

 

There is a kindness, a blessing, within me that is ever present ...

 

And ... I believe, I know, it is there for all of us ... no matter the road each of us is traveling ... Life is looking after us ...

 

And I know this stuff is hard, confusing, seemingly intolerable at times ... it moves so fast, changes so much and so often ... and it is very hard to get our heads around the thought that "this is healing" ... many of us have never been in a place like this before ... the "unknown" of it is so often overwhelming ...

 

So ... when you can, if you can ... try to slow down a bit ... and perhaps listen for that whisper ... no matter the turmoil of the moment ... it is there ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[or...]]

Very moving post, Nova.

[[no...]]

I have felt that whisper in my core too many times during this. I have even used that exact expression when explaining it to my wife.  Sometimes it fills me up, other times it's barely there. In a way,it feels like my willpower has become a body part that I can feel as much as I can feel my hands sometimes.

 

It's great to read that someone else has that feeling too. It sort of makes it even more real for me...

[[Lo...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

Thank you for this!!!!!! Very encouraging! Especially this comment:

 

"I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest."

[[Sk...]]

I have felt that whisper in my core too many times during this. I have even used that exact expression when explaining it to my wife.  Sometimes it fills me up, other times it's barely there. In a way,it feels like my willpower has become a body part that I can feel as much as I can feel my hands sometimes.

 

It's great to read that someone else has that feeling too. It sort of makes it even more real for me...

 

It's amazing to have this whisper in the face of all we have been through. It always leaves me speechless that we are capable of such dignified strength, it leaves with real awe.

 

Whisper is the right word. It's like soothing soft voice.  Or as you said, a part of our body like  a hand.

[[Ca...]]

Hi ... no matter where I have been on this journey ... no matter how hard my storms are ... no matter how lost and discourage and confused I feel ... there is always at least a little bit of resilience still there ...

 

There is a centre, a core somewhere within that keeps glowing ... sometimes it is only a small whisper ... sometimes it is a quiet, sly, smile, and sometimes it flows throughout my body, palpable, warm, and soothing ...

 

No matter what goes on with this process, some 44 months for me now (taper and recovery) ... my core has never been extinguished ...

 

There is a kindness, a blessing, within me that is ever present ...

 

And ... I believe, I know, it is there for all of us ... no matter the road each of us is traveling ... Life is looking after us ...

 

And I know this stuff is hard, confusing, seemingly intolerable at times ... it moves so fast, changes so much and so often ... and it is very hard to get our heads around the thought that "this is healing" ... many of us have never been in a place like this before ... the "unknown" of it is so often overwhelming ...

 

So ... when you can, if you can ... try to slow down a bit ... and perhaps listen for that whisper ... no matter the turmoil of the moment ... it is there ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

 

I was drawn to this thread. I've quietly read Flips blog during this rocky journey and have always found strength in her words. There are so many posts I would like to quote...but Novas stood out for me. Thank you Nova. This experience has made me see the strength of the human spirit.

 

Thank you dear Flip. Thank you everyone.

 

Love and gratitude,

 

Carita

[[Fl...]]

Sky, Morreweg, SeriouslyDone, Norvegia, Saga, Okatz, Loving Mother, Carita - welcome, welcome. May you each make deep connections here and find hope, solace and encouragement.

 

Mozart - what do you do? The same thing you have always done to cope. You breathe, a little longer on the out breath than on the inbreath. 6/7. Try that. You don't believe your irrational thoughts. When your mind tells you to panic, you simply call it a liar and you know that you are not alone, that you are safe now. You know how to do this. You've done it most of your life and I know you are weary. Rest and weather.

 

Nova, thank you for risking vulnerability to post that beautiful prose. It is profoundly appreciated. This is the stuff that will make this thread a place of refuge. Every time we get to the heart of the matter and talk about our deepest fears and our greatest longing, that's when we find strength. Yes, I know that little speck of resilience of which you speak and I know the surety of that thin, reedy whisper. It's a holy thing.

 

Piano Girl - great to see you. I hope you'll be able to share some details of your day that bring you joy. You always have had such a deep appreciation and we will benefit from your sharing.

 

My hope today is to be fully present where my feet are. Be where your feet are. I like that.

[[Mo...]]

I READ TODAY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEVER RECOVER. SOMEONE HERE AT BB POSTED THAT THEY READ THIS ON BB. IF THIS IS TRUE I AM SURE I AM ONE AFTER 39 YEARS ON BENZOS, MANY YEARS TRYING ALL OTHER MEDS TOO...AND OVER 40 YEARS OF SUFFERING. PLEASE LIE TO ME AND TELL ME IT IS NOT TRUE THAT THERE ARE THOSE WHO NEVER RECOVER. ALL CAPS AS I AM SCREAMING IN AGONY. I GIVE UP!!!!

[[Fl...]]

I READ TODAY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO NEVER RECOVER. SOMEONE HERE AT BB POSTED THAT THEY READ THIS ON BB. IF THIS IS TRUE I AM SURE I AM ONE AFTER 39 YEARS ON BENZOS, MANY YEARS TRYING ALL OTHER MEDS TOO...AND OVER 40 YEARS OF SUFFERING. PLEASE LIE TO ME AND TELL ME IT IS NOT TRUE THAT THERE ARE THOSE WHO NEVER RECOVER. ALL CAPS AS I AM SCREAMING IN AGONY. I GIVE UP!!!!

 

These are the  irrational thoughts that are the barriers between you and healing, Mozart. You're scared and you are feeding the fear.

 

I don't know if there is someone who never recovered. I suppose it's possible. There are alcoholics who never recover because too much damage is done. There are drug addicts who don't recover fully. I went to an NA meeting early on in this process and these women were seriously damaged by their drugs of choice. They had tics and jumping parts and it was like being in a room full of people with Tourette's. But they were happy and they were supportive of one another. They had community. They reverently remembered those among them who had died. Every illness has its mortality rate.

 

As far as I can tell, you were not in that same league.

 

I thought I would not recover. I thought I would be that one who didn't. I was wrong. Maybe there are some who don't, but it's not me and I don't think it's you.

 

 

[[No...]]

I posted this many months ago ... and I reread it whenever I remember ...

 

The Path I have Chosen

 

I write this for myself. I choose to share it with you because so much has been shared with me.

 

This is not a “success” post. I am still on the same journey of healing with all of you. I cannot even think about success. The present is still too intense to look over that horizon.

 

I chose the path of benzo tapering and this path of healing after the withdrawal period. I need to constantly remind myself that I have chosen this path. And I need to remind myself  that I did not set myself on the path of benzo usage and all its consequences. I did not know the consequences. And those I trusted to look after my health did not know what they were doing. So be it.

 

What is crucial for me is to always remember that I am now in a place I have chosen to be and I am always doing the best I can.

 

This journey, whatever its duration, whatever its consequences, is where I am, where I need to be.

 

I have no remedies for myself or for you, no nostrums, no palliatives to lighten the suffering of this place. Sorry. What I can share is this.

 

I believe all we have is the present moment and all it contains. And it contains so very, very much. All the awareness of my racing mind. All the awareness of the sensations throughout my body. All the awareness of my emotions of fear, terror, rage, hopelessness, impatience, confusion. And the awareness that the more and the longer I can stay in the present moment, sometimes a blessing comes or I can bless just being where I am here and now. And a little more courage and stamina are added to my  exhausted store of them.

 

I have found moments of soothing, of release, of blessing here and now. Yes they are often fleeting and I know that I miss many of them. And I know that the more of these moments I can place in my memory and remember when the storms of my body and mind move over me, the easier it becomes to remember that these storms are not all there is of me. Yes they are huge and terrible and feel out of control, but they are not all that I am. I tell myself they are manifestations, consequences, of my usage, my withdrawal and my healing.

 

Within myself and within each of you are moments of soothing, of release, and of blessing. For me one characteristic of these moments is “sensation”. Pure, calm, right now awareness of a sensation. It could be a colour, a shape, a sound, a taste, a touch. And they always seem to come as a surprise. Perhaps a surprise until I am paying attention. Something fleeting, something I would miss if I am not present. It seems I am surrounded by them, they are trying to get my attention, if and when I can give it.

 

This morning I stood on my balcony, another night of interrupted dozing, pain in my arms and legs and head. Disappointed that I did not have the energy to go for a little walk. Sad and tired. And two blue-jays flew past me, twelve floors up, slowly, so blue, so alive, chittering as jays do and I could hear their wings. And I stood there, surprised, totally awake, and I wept.

 

Another blessing, another memory to cherish, another iota of release and healing. The pain and the exhaustion did not disappear. The physical storm did not abate. And for that moment a little distance was placed between me and the suffering I experience. A little soothing was gifted to my spirit. And a little more time has passed on my road to recovery.

 

For each of you and myself, a small blessing.

 

Namaste.

 

I hope it helps a bit ...

 

Be Well ... 

 

[[Mo...]]

NovaScotia

That is more beautiful than words can express. You are an eloquent writer.

Mozart

[[Fl...]]

Thank you Nova.

 

Yes, you are an eloquent writer and a gifted visionary. It is this depth of vision that will see you through this and you will help, have helped many others, as well.

 

This life is on purpose. I'm convinced.

Thank you for your wonderful contributions. Please keep it up!

Flip

[[Ki...]]

Please keep going, we need it so much everyday and every minute

 

Kinia

 

 

[[Ne...]]

Mozart,

Don't stop going to the nursing homes. My mom has dementia and has been in a home for the past four years. I am so sad when I see her and it adds so much stress to my life while I try to journey on thru this taper.   I am only 20% down and the anxiety, insomnia and depression are coming on strong. Please know that you have so much to give. I have read your posts on other forums. Giving back to others always makes us feel better.

Flip, thank you for starting this post. I will have to check in daily for my inspiration as it is getting harder and I feel like I have such a long way to go. Thank you, thank you, thank you

NG

 

[[el...]]

Thank you, Flip, for starting this thread.  I can see that this will be my daily go-to place for reading positive, truthful writing and encouragement.

 

This thread is a blessing for many of us.

 

Ellen