CONQUERING HEAVY ABUSE CLUB (CHAC?)

[[on...]]

I do realize that feeling guilty can only hurt me, but of course I do to some degree.  I mean there are about a thousand things I need to forgive myself for.  I think that these thoughts will come up for a long time.

 

I'll keep trying.  Medium day today.  Good thing I have stuff to do and can't hide.

 

Hope you have a great day! 

[[Ba...]]

Oneyear,

 

Your pain comes through in all this. This is a struggle, but you will make it.

[[Lo...]]

I think feeling guilty is very natural, even though it is very painful. The problem with benzo-guilt is that it's a mistake that made such lasting consequences for all of us. An emotional equivalent of getting in a car wreck and being so hurt to have your leg amputated. Well, our mistakes are recoverable, but it is such hard, long road to it. I think that's why guilt really stings this bad.

 

But on the other hand, is it our fault that most of us were born with an anxious temperament and affinity for benzos just because of the said anxiety? People don't start taking benzos when they're happy. They take them when they're stressed, miserable, and desperate....

 

It's also the society we live in. If each of us had a wide support network, well-balanced life with meaningful work and hobbies, would we really be getting on benzos? I highly doubt it!

[[Fi...]]

Lorazepam--I had all the good stuff you mention in my life and I still managed to wind up on benzos.  Without me even asking, my doc prescribed them for me to take on a trip to China for our son's wedding.  This was actually a thrilling event.  I think lots of people end up on benzos for reasons other than anxiety.  That said, it's also true that a high number of people represented on this board had some kind of anxiety issue going in the first place that could have been more effectively treated by other modalities.  And a lot of people are STILL looking for the magic drug or supplement that will "fix" them.  I think we all need to have more faith in the elegant design of our own brains. 

[[on...]]

LF2015 I have no PM anymore. Trying to fix it and glad I found you.  Please send me a PM saying you got this so I can leave the Admin people alone.  I'll get your PM, but can't reply.

 

FJ I agree that we underestimate that the power of our brains, but I think that there are times we are exposed to stresses that really weren't around when either (based on your beliefs) our brains evolved, or rather, our brains were created.  I don't think our brains were really meant to deal with some of the things we deal with.

 

For those of us who are up and down a little but not a true bi-polar, I just don't think I was even made to handle presenting myself and being up to work in certain professions 5 days a week for 8 hours a day.  I am terrified by the fact that I am tied to a phone and considered rude if I don't respond to texts and phone calls even when out of the house.  It's like I'm on a leash and I have to keep it in order to make a living.  I'm never truly alone. 

 

I had a horrific stresses with my job when I started abusing.  I don't think I would have fallen apart and been slave to the drug at this time in my life if I didn't have that stress.  Maybe it would have gotten me later.  On the other hand, I agree that I could have absolutely been treated with groups, individual counseling, meditation (a dream for me but I didn't learn it until after I was hooked), etc.  We always say this - but instead of emotional support when I was in trouble I was given a bottle of pills.

 

I always look back and think "what if?"  I look at my kids and feel guilty about what they are going through and wonder how this will affect them in the long run.  They've been to hell and back.  They may be stronger for it and when I'm past this it may be something that helps unifies the entire family.  On the other hand they like to blame themselves.  I guess no one can predict.

 

Hey, I'm sorry to ramble when I don't have much to say.  I'm feeling okay and got a lot done today and just really needed to ramble.  Sorry.

 

to all.

 

[[MT...]]

One year, I think times of stress drove most of us who overtook meds in that direction. The "what ifs" here are like swallowing poison. Everyone has made mistakes but often it's the messes we make of our lives that lead to our greatest triumphs. Your courage in choosing to taper off benzos, to be honest (with yourself and others) about your medication issues, and reaching for recovery are already inspiring to us. I bet that you're already an inspiration to your kids.

 

I can feel intense shame about how I took benzos and took too much of several meds so that I could control my life...control when and how I slept, control anxiety, really a bunch of convenience things. Having the benzos kept me from facing some things directly. It something got too bad, I knew I could medicate and bail. So I have to hit the self-forgiveness thing hard. I medaled in olympic beating of self. It's especially hard when someone else in my life suffers because of my suffering. All I can do, all any of us can do, is our best. Some days that's better than other.

[[Lo...]]

One year, I think times of stress drove most of us who overtook meds in that direction. The "what ifs" here are like swallowing poison. Everyone has made mistakes but often it's the messes we make of our lives that lead to our greatest triumphs. Your courage in choosing to taper off benzos, to be honest (with yourself and others) about your medication issues, and reaching for recovery are already inspiring to us. I bet that you're already an inspiration to your kids.

 

I can feel intense shame about how I took benzos and took too much of several meds so that I could control my life...control when and how I slept, control anxiety, really a bunch of convenience things. Having the benzos kept me from facing some things directly. It something got too bad, I knew I could medicate and bail. So I have to hit the self-forgiveness thing hard. I medaled in olympic beating of self. It's especially hard when someone else in my life suffers because of my suffering. All I can do, all any of us can do, is our best. Some days that's better than other.

 

Oh, how much do I relate to what you wrote. I like how you wrote "I medaled in olympic beating of self". I've been doing the same. But, the funny thing is that shame I am feelin now is probably the same shame I was medicating myself with benzos.

 

I think the part of self-beating comes from benzo wd allowing us to see the past crystal clear and all the mistakes we've made. The mind desperately wants to go back and fix them, but it can't. So, I forgive myself one day, but the same self-beating voice reappears tomorrow.

[[MT...]]

LF, even if we forgive ourselves daily then find ourselves beating the crud out of ourselves the next day we can just rinse and repeat for as long as it takes. It reminds me of how meditation works. You don't really reach a point of your thoughts stopping but with practice returning to the breath (or whatever your focal point is) the mind returns more easily, stays a bit longer, doesn't wander quite as much, and is more focused during non meditation times. If we keep at this we'll find that we can forgive ourselves more easily and that there are longer and longer periods when we're not engaged in self on self combat.

[[on...]]

LF and MT,

 

I read the posts a few days ago and decided to wait.  I'm on my own for the weekend, and I finally cracked; but in a good way.  I haven't really cried in almost two years because of what has gone on.  I've just been paralyzed.  Until today when I was alone.

 

Hopefully today can be the start of me not beating myself up and starting to forgive myself.  Thank you everyone. 

 

I hope everyone has a great day  , and for those hanging on know that we're all behind you. 

[[Fi...]]

Paul--I'm a big believer in crying.  Go for it.  I swear it must release stress hormones because I always felt better afterwards.  Feel terrible for people who claim they just can't cry at all.  You hang in there, okay?

[[on...]]

Thank you FJ.  I've always cried freely.  But from the time I really realized the gig was up with my benzo problem and I knew I was going to crash I just haven't been able to.  I think this is a good thing.  It just happened so fast I was surprised.  I've been fairly level emotionally without mood swings and I hope that doesn't start.

 

I do feel better.  And I'm making it to sleep tonight.  Thank you so much for the support. 

[[Fi...]]

  Your story about being in the house alone without kids brought back memories.  Kids are the magic little people who give us confidence and power.  Hey, I'm the mom.  They're looking up to me.  Better fake it 'til I make it.  For me, I wasn't even aware how much of this was going on until I was alone in the house.  Funny how their faith in us has a way of conferring power.  Hang in there.

[[MT...]]

One year, I'm glad you're letting those feelings out. You're an inspiration for those of us who have stuffing issues

 

You're going to get through these days and gain confidence for doing so. Let us know when you're on the other side. I wish we could grab a cup of decaf tea!

[[on...]]

I could use a cup of decaf tea. 

 

I did well yesterday.  But I got stressed today and that's when I stopped feeling emotions.  Crying and laughing.  Went away.  I hope that my emotions coming back to me after all this time isn't a temporary thing.  Hope all are well!   

[[MT...]]

I could use a cup of decaf tea. 

 

I did well yesterday.  But I got stressed today and that's when I stopped feeling emotions.  Crying and laughing.  Went away.  I hope that my emotions coming back to me after all this time isn't a temporary thing.  Hope all are well!   

 

I'll toast you with my decaf green tea tomorrow morning. And it's all going to come back (emotions, the good stuff). I found this helpful today. Click on the part for the video for EFT for benzo wd. I'd tried it before but it went better today. I'm going to try it for a while. 

[[Lo...]]

I find it insidious (although it makes perfect sense) how these pills seem not to cause any problems for a long time, and then usually something happens, and all the wheels come off. I wonder if there's a triggering event for many, or a high-stress situation they can no longer cope with that starts the downward wd spiral.

 

I like the rinse and repeat idea with self-forgiveness. I think blame intensifies in me only when I start thinking that the mistakes are permanent/for life. Not everyone has taken benzos for anxiety, but I do think that most people who take it for it are not anxious enough to warrant taking it, but just never really learned proper coping techniques. I've read a lot of self-help books in the past, but have not practiced the advice they gave enough. Too much theory, not enough practice. And I think there was that belief that we are not really strong as we think we are, so we need a "crutch". And sometimes, there are just too many self-help books and too many conflicting advice, so our brains get confused 

 

It's kind of scary how there has been a resurgence of benzos as of late. Back in the 90's, SSRI's were all the rage, but then people started realizing those do not help as advertised. I wonder if that's why benzos got popular again. My thinking was, "Hey, these things have been out for years. Tried and proven medicine and Dr.'s who prescribe them know they're doing. Right?". The joke's on me...

 

I used to watch those documentaries on History channels on all kinds of drugs (marijuana, cocaine, opium, ....), but never saw anything on benzos. Interesting, huh?

 

[[MT...]]

I see the self-forgiveness thing as more than just a person who took too much medication and regrets it but also a human thing. I make mistakes every day (my understanding is that everyone does ) and so I try to practice self-compassion and forgiveness for all of those things, as well as a bit of humor. This doesn't have to be a heavy, burdensome thing. It's a lightening of the load if anything. Not all of us have the temperament of self-flaggellation but once we see it we can work on it.

 

Insidious is a great word for these stupid drugs. I wonder if the resurgence is in part that they started using benzos to help people cope with the side effects of SSRIs and other drugs. Then they began medicating the side effects of fatigue, poor concentration with things like stimulants until people (like I did) end up on one drug after another, after another thinking there's no other way. I'll be glad when we start seeing shows and stories on benzos. I was pleased to see an entire People's pharmacy column in the paper on benzos, wd, and the many risks.

 

Today is a better day and I'm so relieved. I'd hit the wall. I hope everyone out there is having a decent day of healing.

 

Katie

[[Lo...]]

I'd wager than klonopin is even more insidious than ativan because K has a longer half-life. I've read about people living normal lives on K for years, being active, working, exercising, and then, after x years, something happens, and crash. With ativan, it was more obvious something was wrong, although it took me a couple of months to figure out it's the ativan causing those problems. I thought it was just life stress, but when I started getting shakes/tremors, I knew something else was going on....

[[MT...]]

I'd wager than klonopin is even more insidious than ativan because K has a longer half-life. I've read about people living normal lives on K for years, being active, working, exercising, and then, after x years, something happens, and crash. With ativan, it was more obvious something was wrong, although it took me a couple of months to figure out it's the ativan causing those problems. I thought it was just life stress, but when I started getting shakes/tremors, I knew something else was going on....

 

That's exactly what happened to me. I mean I had some health conditions that were getting worse in some ways (CFS, fibro, migraines) but I saw all my meds, including Klonopin, as working for me and making my life better. Then, rather suddenly, it all stopped. I feel fortunate that something happened, though, to get me off all those darn meds. Otherwise I think I would have stayed on them all of my life and had them limit my potential.

 

I read in this benzo wd info thing that the short acting agents, xanax and ativan, are associated with a worse wd. What do others think about that?

[[Lo...]]

Yes, when I was on 0.5mg of ativan PRN last year, I developed this fear of falling asleep and dying. Now, I think that was the interdose wd that was getting shorter. When my dosage got increased (over 1mg) it got for worse. The withdrawal coincided with some high stress in my life, so it was difficult to tell what's going on. But yes, I had to do a partial c/o with valium to easy those nasty interdose w/d's. Now, it's more tolerable. I am hoping that, with less ativan in my system the anxiety will subside. It's still hell, but not as horrible as it was 1-2 months ago.

[[on...]]

Hey MT and LF2015,

 

I just wanted to post and say I'm still around.  I've had some tough times but I"m making it.  Just wanted to send everyone my best.  I'll be back on board in a couple of days.

 

Hope all are well,

Paul

 

[[Lo...]]

Good to hear from you Paul. I was getting a bit worried. Welcome back 

[[MT...]]

Yeah, Paul, thanks for checking in. I was hoping your absence was just real life demands and not something else. I'm sorry to hear about you having a hard time. I hope it eases soon.

[[on...]]

Thank you both.  I'm still hanging on.  I won't give up.  The support of you two and everyone else makes a difference in my life.  Thank you.

 

Paul 

[[MT...]]

Paul, we know what a difficult fight this is. We've also all seen how you are courageously pressing on in spite of your difficulties. This reveals to us your strength and determination. When you need to borrow a cup of courage, determination or strength, we're here for each other.

 

Katie