CONQUERING HEAVY ABUSE CLUB (CHAC?)

[[Lo...]]

LF I know what it's like to catastrophize everything. I have a pile of pine needles outside my house and I sit and worry about what would happen if someone lit them on fire. Now I can't sleep. Makes me kind of crazy. When I was a child I used to dream that I could stop time for everyone else but keep time going for me - so I could finish my homework, do my chores, etc.

 

Now I wish I could stop time for a year so I could just recover.  Hang in there LF; I believe in you.  We're all in this together. 

 

You know, it doesn't help that pre benzos, I was into X-Files, paranormal stuff, altered states of consciousness (without drugs), UFO's , conspiracies, and a lot of pseudoscience stuff (spontaneous combustion), etc. Being too well read and interested in dark stuff before benzos is sure not helping me now 

 

When I was a child I used to dream that I could stop time for everyone else but keep time going for me - so I could finish my homework, do my chores, etc.

 

When I was a child, I read a comic book about how productive people paid this guy to stop the time for them, so they could finish their deadlines, etc. etc. So, the time for them would be normal, while it would be slowed for everyone else. But, sometimes,  a glitch would occur and people would self-combust. Reading cartoons like that and watching movies like the Matrix makes you wonder what sort of mind altering substances those writers were on 

 

And, I think some of us had no business reading Poe, Oscar Wilde and Ambrose Bierce. Did we just get really good at spoking ourselves in pre-benzo days???

[[Lo...]]

Paul, what a great learning experience you had. You're right, if you can relax in that situation, you can in any situation. I'm glad the test is behind you. Let us know what you learn.

 

I think some of what we're all describing are the issues with motivation during wd. Most of us were pretty motivated people before and now find ourselves with little to no motivation. Motivation for work, home, family and even some self-care. I feel like I'm herding hostile cats when it's time to get myself to exercise or meditate, go to work or work around the house. Even the motivation to talk with or get together with friends is absent. So I do a lot of "as if" functioning. I try to function as if I felt motivated to do those things and then they usually work out. But after some time doing this I reach points where I'm so exhausted from all of the effort that I'm back to just surviving or chilling until I feel I can begin again. We're all in this together and we're learning a lot about ourselves and others as we go through the tight squeeze of this rebirth experience. 

 

Before benzos, I had a job with a train commute, totalling 5 hours both ways. I have no idea how I did that, but think that it may have oversensitized my CNS, although the train rides were so peaceful for me. It was bliss literally, I could just chill there without any responsibilites at all. But now, I see how some excessive risk taking (for my personality) in the years preceding benzos got me into this. The situational anxiety was too high, and I was relying on Benadryl too much for sleep. Maybe that was the beginning of the problem....

 

And not having a proper vacation in years certainly didn't help...

 

[[MT...]]

LF, the truth is out there I think having that kind of mind can provide some helpful distraction as well. My mind, and interests, are similar to yours. But I try to run thoughts through Occam's Razor: that all things being equal, the simplest solution is probably the correct one. That defeats many of my fears. The rest the aliens implanted anyway

 

I think all that we're going through can lead to us living more balanced, healthy lives than if we'd never had to go through wd. This forces us to boil life down to what's most important. Suffering can also give us even more compassion for others and their struggles. Hopefully we're developing more compassion for ourselves as well.

 

I've been running my mind through the technique Paul talked about with relaxing from the feet up. That's a good one.

[[Lo...]]

Been mostly doing doing music therapy and bawling. I've been suppressing emotions for years before benzos, so they're all here now. Some 3 years pre-benzos, I could feel like this mountain of sadness in myself that I was afraid to touch. I think that's what I am up against now....

[[MT...]]

LF does it feel better after you get it out? I know when I'd cry and cry there was a kind of relief from my usual holding it all inside. I hope the sadness eases up soon.

[[Lo...]]

I feel drained after crying so much, but it feels better. Before benzos, music was my escape. Most songs I liked move me to tears now, but they were my lifeline for so many years. When I feel worst,  I remember some great concerts/shows I went to. Trying to use some intrusive memories to my advantage 

 

I had the dream the other night that I went back to work, but was so sick there that I collapsed and woke up in psych ward. I think my brain is telling me I'm not work ready, as much as I want to go back.

[[on...]]

Hope you are feeling better LF.  For some reason I haven't had nightmares like that although I think those thoughts regularly.  I'm still calling it a massive success when I can work for 2-3 hours.  You'll make it.  Music was always an escape for me.  Now I hear songs that my entire family likes; they tell me it was from a couple of years ago and I don't remember it.  I want my memory back.

 

Hang in there.  This will pass.

 

MT hope you are doing well.

 

Paul 

[[MT...]]

Boy, the server has been down a lot the past few days. I've missed you folks. LF, I sure hope you're feeling better. Music is a great way to cope. It does sound like your brain doesn't feel ready to work.

 

One year, how have you been feeling? How's the job thing going?

 

I've had a pretty stressful, busy week at work and at home but we leave on vacation tomorrow and I'm thrilled. Exhausted too because there was so much to do to get ready. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to get on BB while away but you folks will stay on my mind while I'm on the beach :smitten:

[[Lo...]]

Thanks MTFan for the words of support. As I am lowering ativan, insomnia is getting ugly again. Would like to work, but I am too physically week. Lost a lot of leg muscles just between last and this year.

[[MT...]]

LF this recovery thing is a marathon and we all have to conserve our energy in whatever way we can. We'd all like it to be a sprint. It feels like forever when we're in the midst of it. Your body will regain strength in time. Mine is starting to develop some strength and stamina but I still deal with exhaustion every day. Sleep has started to improve some but I can't do it without medication. We will make it though to the finish line.

[[Lo...]]

I agree MTFan. During my better periods in life, if someone mentioned Valium, Ativan or Xanax, I would have been like "why would I take that?".  But, the neverending increase of stress/pressure made me reach for those. So, I am trying not to be as self-critical anymore as life's circumstances often change. After a nice stretch of prosperity, it was hard to deal with massive stress in such a short period of time....

[[on...]]

This is a marathon.  One problem with this for me is that I can't see the finish line and I don't always know if I'm running to something or away from something.  Or both.

 

I was so ignorant about all of this that even while under stress I never would have taken valium even if prescribed.  I didn't know what a benzo was.  So when my doc prescribed my first bottle of xanax I didn't know it was dangerous.  But I think many of us went down this path.

[[MT...]]

Different things drove each of us to benzos but none of us had any clue about the true dangers. We were doing the best we could at the time with limited knowledge and our docs didn't know, or didn't communicate the true hazards.

 

I'm reading this book on "Uncovering Happiness" and the writer (a clinical psychologist) talks about the NUTs (negative unconscious thoughts). Those are thoughts like "I'm unworthy" or "I'm never going to get better." They're mood killers. It was interesting to learn that even in the most adverse circumstances if we merely label what we're feeling (angry, sad, scared, etc.) that this helps us manage the emotions and has the effect of chilling out our brain's fear center, the amygdala. There's even this cool research that they did with people with spider phobias. Just the act of "naming it to tame it"--saying what they felt ("I feel afraid of the spider" nothing fancy) allowed them to get closer to the spiders and feel less distress.

 

So I'm thinking that naming some of our experiences with wd would tame them and help us all feel more calm during this gnarly marathon.

[[Lo...]]

I had some vague knowledge of tolerance and psychological dependecy, and have been told by one Doc that those are for short term. But no one exactly explained why. I didn't know anything about homeostasis or GABA downregulation or anything like that. I thought that as long as I took a low dose PRN, I'd be ok. Something like that.

[[MT...]]

LF, I'm right with you. I thought the worst part of the "addictive" aspect of benzos was brief rebound insomnia and not feeling well for a few days or so. It still blows my mind that this isn't the subject of many news programs and magazine articles. We get all sorts of coverage of health crises that don't affect nearly the high numbers that benzos suffer. But at least we know now and aren't going to be on them our whole lives.

[[on...]]

I think both of you (LF and MT) know that I am one of few who did have a good experience with inpatient.  I'll just add that for anyone else.  Reading the last two posts really reminded me of all that I have learned over the past 1.5+ years since I cut.  Or maybe it didn't remind me . . .

 

I pulled out the 150 pages of notes from group as well as my own writings, handouts, meditation materials, shockingly graphic drawings from art therapy, etc.  I realized that I don't remember doing many of these things while voluntarily locked up.  In fact, I don['t remember the friends I met that I swore I'd remember forever.  I also realized that I don't take control and use what I learned - because I forgot it and need to re-learn it.

 

I always said that I'd write a book.  My dream was that it could be a "users manual" and I'd get a different person to write each paragraph.  I actually found notes where someone in inpatient and I started writing our chapters - but I don't remember doing this.  Of course we had confidentiality agreements just like this BB and I can't find any of them to help write.  I wish I could post one pic of what I drew when I was supposed to be drawing what stress triggers look like to me.

 

Wow.  Again I ramble but figure you guys put up with it.  MT I'm trying to figure fun names for my symptoms.  I've already started though, but I'll go first.  My toes on my R foot are still going wild and wiggling in every direction until my entire foot aches - and I call this condition "Medusa Foot."  Can I name the unrealistic phobia I had of law enforcement "Reality Check?" 

 

At least if I don't jaywalk in front of cops, which is part of Reality Check, I won't have to run on my Medusa Foot.

 

I'll spare you guys the rest.  I smiled when I read your posts.  MT you've got to have funny names for some of your symptoms.  Have a wonderful night. 

[[MT...]]

I had positive experiences with inpt in the late 1980s. Back then they kept you in until you were better, gave you lots of group and individual therapy as well as classes. Now it tends to be very short and not have much therapy. I don't think I would have survived without those inpt experiences so I'm thankful.

 

I've been working with the naming what I'm feeling and on mindfulness. I find I don't do very well at staying present, especially when it's an unpleasant experience. Last night I felt like my right upper abdomen was trying to give birth to an alien twice my size out of my pancreas. I was also trying hard not to vomit. I was able to stay relatively calm but did the distraction thing. I think distraction is a vital skill for recovery but this has gone on so long that I'm finding it's my main skill. So trying to remain present and open to whatever is going on without judging it. It's hard but peaceful when I pull it off.

 

Here in my last day at the beach part of the issue has been a tendency to get upset when I can't keep up with my husband or sons and or start to react internally to not feeling well or tired. Acceptance and self-compassion have been required every day. It's also frustrating to notice that I'm still not learning well. I read something, try to hang onto it, and only faint echoes are present the next day requiring acceptance and compassion again. So I breathe in. And out. Rinse and repeat.

[[on...]]

I'm just impressed you were able to make it away from home all these days!  Just keep breathing . . .   

 

[[MT...]]

The long ride in the car home and all that has had to be done today back in our regular worlds has me exhausted today. I'm thankful I've been able to cook a really nice meal for my son before he flies to move across the country tomorrow. I'm not feeling very well again but I hope it passes. I think I have colic! When the kids were babies they had that and I'm feeling like a big baby.

 

How are the medusa feet and reality check One year? I've had that fear of cops as well. My husband teases me about it. I think it comes from a misspent, but fun, youth. And I'd read a book you wrote for sure

[[Ba...]]

Thus is the most honest, brave, and heartwarming threads I've encountered on BB.

 

Thank you. It's been a while since I was here, but that makes me feel so good xo

[[on...]]

Bad Choices, hope you do stick around.

 

MT, today is the day that I see the new specialist.  Good doc who should be able to figure me out.  I'm so proud of you for everything you've done since this vacation started.  I remember 10 days ago when you were a little nervous.  Awesome job! 

 

I also decided it's time to finally look for a new shrink.  Most of you know I haven't been comfortable with this doc for six months.  He means well, but all he talks to be about is how terribly outrageous benzos are.  As if I didn't know!  Time to find a new doc if I can.  Perhaps one that I can talk to.

 

Everyone have an awesome day.

 

 

[[on...]]

Hey all.  I'm going to be taking a break for some time to focus on an unrelated health issue that really needs my attention.  All of you have been awesome getting me as far as I've gotten.  I'll check back from time to time, and PM a couple of you who have watched me walk down two paths at once.  I love you all and will miss you and the daily exchanges - I just need to focus on one thing at a time.

 

Love you all and keep up the fight.

 

:smitten:

[[MT...]]

Welcome back Bad Choices. Your name really says it all to describe virtually all of us and most of our providers.

 

One year, good luck with a new psychiatrist and your other medical issues. We're so pulling for you!

[[Ba...]]

Thank you everyone.

 

And good luck with everything one year. We are all here for you xo

[[on...]]

Will MT and Bad Choices it's been 8 months since you wished me luck.  I am doing better, and the health problems I had were not related to benzo use. 

 

Are you both still around?  I can't PM anyone because for some reason I've been shut out of that.  I probably won't be a frequent contributor, but was wondering how everyone in this group and the "Doing One Thing a Day that Scares Us" group is doing.

 

How about an update?