CONQUERING HEAVY ABUSE CLUB (CHAC?)

[[on...]]

LF, also, I wrote 160 pages of journaling during that horrific month.  It's a great read now.  One night it was 3:00 a.m. and my journal notes how I was thinking I could hear everyone in the house breath, and they were breathing so loud it was bothering me.  Yea, and I talked about this to one of my cats.  She understood.  At least those scary days are over! 

[[Lo...]]

How in the world did you make that kind of a dosage drop without getting a seizure?  I am absolutely amazed.

I think you're totally right about not googling symptoms, since that just revs up the fear.

[[on...]]

Even though I was cutting, I think I was using so much xanax that it was my xanax that made me decide it was okay to do.  It was obviously dangerous.  The inpatient I went to was connected to a hospital, and they did a blood draw when I went in, and four hours later they said my potassium and sodium were so low that I needed IV supplement.  Once I was in inpatient, they took blood every four hours for the first five days.  They measured everything I ate, fed me appropriately, etc.  You could call me very lucky, or you could say I got a miracle.

 

Thanks for asking.  Thinking back about that makes me feel so, so, so much better about where I am.  I'm one of 3 current members who want to write a book.  Now when I feel bad, I do look back at my journal.  I really wrote everything I felt.  Knowing that I'm safe now, I really laugh about some of the things I wrote.  To someone who is stable and well into recovery (so it wouldn't scare them), parts of my journal would be an absolutely hilarious read.  I think many would read it and say "I felt like that too!" on every single page.  It's just that I was writing some crazy stuff  .  Now parts of that journal are really fun to read. 

 

Or maybe I'm just crazy.  Medically I think I should have had a seizure and I'm very fortunate.  If I knew anyone on the path I took I'd do everything I could to talk them out of it. I'm just glad I'm here.

 

[[Lo...]]

Had a heartbreaking experience today. Went to a pdoc to see if he can help me wean off, and as soon as I mentioned 2 benzos and withdrawal, he basically wanted nothing to do with me. Basically, he was like, "ah, what you're on are not high doses, you just have to go detox, and get it over with. I've seen people on much, much higher doses and they got off of it successfully just fine". I went hopeful and came back home absolutely crushed. It's amazing when you mention withdrawal, they won't nothing to do with you because of the liability, I presume. Going to another pdoc on Wednesday. I hate to be in a position to depend on these people. If I were alcoholic, at least I'd be able to buy stuff freely and not to depend on their prescription. Struggled with ideation, gastro/benzo belly and constant crying all day.

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I should go somewhere inpatient while I still have a decent insurance...   

[[Lo...]]

The inpatient you went to, was that some sort of a benzo rehab/detox place?

[[on...]]

Sorry - this is a little long because many people have negative experiences with inpatient.  I just wanted to share a little.

For me it was incredible, they didn't push me to "get off" before I was released and instead they stabilized me and referred me to follow-up care.  There was meditation, group therapy, individual therapy, exercise therapy, art therapy, "walking trips" through the forest which was next to the hospital for those who were ready - and lots of other things.

 

At the time I lived in a small town (60,000), but because of our location, we had a large hospital that took patients from a larger area.  It was not only an inpatient substance abuse facility, but also an inpatient mental health facility.  At first I was nervous because there were going to be people in group and other things that were very different from me.  They only took 12 patients at a time.

 

After the first couple of days I was thrilled that it wasn't a substance-abuse-only-inpatient.  You take that pledge to keep everything confidential that others reveal.  I made friends and had a support with others that was unbelievable.  The "s" (suicide) word came up although people didn't talk about scary things in group, but if  you got to know someone, you could talk about anything that you both wanted to.  I feel that I was able to get stabilized easier with people with other problems.  It has forever changed my ability to understand people with serious mental health conditions other than addiction.  I lived 24/7 with some.  But, most of the patients were substance abuse.  I never thought that having addicts w/ other mental health conditions would be a good model.  Here it was amazing. 

 

I had withdrawal, but they kept everyone comfortable or they wouldn't be able to participate in the rest of the program.  They really just stabilized me where I was, and they didn't rush anyone off of their meds.  When they were so worried about my potassium and sodium which can cause seizures, I worked with the hospital dietician.  I don't understand this, but they did something with my cells where they said they could get an estimation for how long my sodium levels were low by age-dating them or something like that.  So, it wasn't a benzo specific place, but I felt very confident they could handle me.

 

If it weren't for being away from my wife and kids, I would have gone back for a week last month when I was having problems. 

 

Some people have bad experiences with inpatient, and have to go against their will or be cut off from all meds.  We all know this.  I hope my praise of my inpatient doesn't cause others to write about scary experiences.  I think many aren't appropriate, but you can find a good place out there.  This model was created and implemented by a major hospital group in Western US.  I shopped around and never dreamed I would have found it there.

[[Fi...]]

Really interesting, Paul.  Thanks for this candid report.  It's important to speak up and tell the truth as you have, even if you think it flies in the face of the reports of others.

[[Ba...]]

Thus is the most honest, brave, and heartwarming threads I've encountered on BB.

[[on...]]

We're kind of a small group.  Hope you join us! 

[[on...]]

Had a heartbreaking experience today. Went to a pdoc to see if he can help me wean off, and as soon as I mentioned 2 benzos and withdrawal, he basically wanted nothing to do with me. Basically, he was like, "ah, what you're on are not high doses, you just have to go detox, and get it over with. I've seen people on much, much higher doses and they got off of it successfully just fine". I went hopeful and came back home absolutely crushed. It's amazing when you mention withdrawal, they won't nothing to do with you because of the liability, I presume. Going to another pdoc on Wednesday. I hate to be in a position to depend on these people. If I were alcoholic, at least I'd be able to buy stuff freely and not to depend on their prescription. Struggled with ideation, gastro/benzo belly and constant crying all day.

 

Sometimes I do wonder if I should go somewhere inpatient while I still have a decent insurance...   

 

LF, did you get another doc to see you tomorrow (Wed.)?  I feel like all the docs who treat me for other things are very interested in talking about my addiction.  But the doc who writes them is less understanding.  Hope you are doing better and find a doc. 

[[MT...]]

One year, I had some excellent experiences with inpt many years ago. So much of it depends on the facility, the providers and the environment they try to set up. The more a program focuses on therapy than drugs, the better, I think. I still see inpt save lives. I'm so glad you got some help from your experience. And I'm glad to be a part of this group.

[[on...]]

Alright everyone, here I go.  I haven't lost it but need to vent.  In lots of groups we talk about whether our symptoms could be something else and whether we should let our docs test; or assume it's addiction related.  I had kidney pain and let them run the tests.  I found out I had kidney damage, but function was perfect.  I was also thrilled because the test also revealed that I was okay (non-malignant type of cyst) that I was also worried about.

 

Then, I posted in the twitchers' group that my foot and toes were having spasms like Medusa 24/7 and I couldn't stop my toes from moving.  I was thrilled that many laughed with me about my toes because I laughing about it instead of worrying.    But about a week ago my primary care doc and a neurologist had me get a brain MRI and do tons of blood work to rule out ALS and MS. 

 

I know the odds are so incredibly small.  I decided to take the harm of the dye test just to rule things out because all three docs knew about my abuse.  I'm sure I'm fine. 

 

But, I just found out that I didn't update my insurance information, and our premiums skyrocketed until June.  We'll hang but that's a real sign that I'm not functioning as well as I think I am.  Just feeling better and like I'm recovering doesn't help me deal with the things I need to deal with.

 

I'm sure I'm fine and I got a second opinion before I went for the brain MRI.  I still can't cry.  Again, I'm sure I'll be fine.  I just want my results.  My follow-up appointment with the neurologist isn't until 6/12/15.  I didn't want to be negative so I didn't post about it.  Now I'm scared.  Even if I know that statistically I know I should really be okay. 

 

Thank you all for listening.  I just need to settle down and function.  I need to speed up my progress on functioning.  I just have to do it.

[[Ba...]]

Oneyear,

 

I've made so many errors that have cost us money not only while in withdrawal, but before I was taken off benzos. Mistakes I never made before all this. I have paid the wrong bills online and had to pay late fees to credit card companies. I have been exasperated with myself. My mind is clearing and I'm so relieved.

 

You'll be ok

[[on...]]

Thanks.  I'll keep hanging.  And just keep breathing. 

[[MT...]]

Oh one year, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this stress and worry. Anyone in your shoes would be anxious. It can be really hard to put that out of your mind. Last year there were a couple of times when it looked like I had some endocrine disorder or malignancy. I went through all of the testing, appointments and waiting. I felt constantly on edge. On one hand I was miserable enough to feel OK about dying, on the other I wanted to have a future. The summer before that (my first wd) I was even sicker and it looked like GI cancer. Very similar feelings. I actually sobbed when I found out for sure I wasn't dying because I felt so bad. That's when I went through my first wd but didn't understand what was happening.

 

Wd makes us so sick in so many different ways that it's hard for us, or any medical provider, to believe. Other than my therapist I haven't had any of about 6 docs think this is possible.

 

I'll be thinking about you through all of this. Please keep posting about your feelings about this. Sometimes I feel like there's some pressure on BB for folks to be positive but I think we need to express our difficulties and get support too.

 

You're going to make it. You're going to be OK. You're not alone. We're here. Breathe.

 

Katie

[[on...]]

Okay MT, I just sent you a PM to you saying I was going to take a few days off from posting.  But I read a few of the posts here and I wanted to write a little.

 

I've posted about my muscle spasms in my one foot.  They are really bizarre and don't fit any benzo withdrawal symptom I've heard about.  My GP did tons of blood work and then wanted to rule out ALS.  I believe in being my own advocate, and I read every thing I could about ALS in a couple of days.  She sent me to a neurologist, and I went to another to get a second opinion.  Both were advised about my benzo withdrawal, and because of the symptoms they both wanted a brain MRI and an EMR.  Statistically I know this is unlikely, but I want my test results.  I'm stressed about that.

 

I don't like to put my body through tests like that.  But I read enough and talked enough that I decided I would do it.  I'm sure I'll be fine.  I just can't wonder about it after three docs who have treated me all want to rule out that disease.  Both of the neurologists were very interested in my benzo wd and what I've dealt with.  They also discussed the symptoms very intelligently with me.  I actually liked them.  They said that based on my symptoms we should rule it out.  I agree and did the tests.  I'm nervous.  Even though I know the odds are hugely in my favor. 

 

Bailey 11, I made another mistake with money and I thought of what you wrote.  Thank you.  Hope I don't do this much more. 

 

Hope all are well. 

 

       

 

 

[[be...]]

Hi:

 

I just felt the urge to pop onto this thread, tho I am not an abuser. But I can sympathize with all of you and there is nobody alive that can pass any judgement on anyone. Everybody has his/her story to tell and they all are different. I'm glad that this thread was created because it gives you guys a great place for support. And that fact that you acknowledge your problems means you are halfway there! I will pray for all of you.  Please, be gentle with yourselves. You all have been through a lot and now you are on the road to recovery. Well, I guess that you can say that I abuse nicotine....

:hug:

Bets

[[on...]]

Thanks Bets.  It's an awesome, close group and I hope we can stick together until we see some of us making that final jump.

 

LF, a week ago you were looking for a new doc, and talked about inpatient if you couldn't get scripts and your insurance ran out.  How are you??? 

 

 

[[MT...]]

One year, I'm glad you decided to have the tests. Why not check things out and get confirmation that you're Ok rather than wondering?! How awesome is it that your docs wanted to know about the wd. That really helps with the whole process. Of course you feel anxious about all of this. You're human, right? (I think the cyborg support group is a totally different thread) I remember sweating out some scary weeks when I was awaiting the results of my endocrine cancers things (turned out fine). We're all here for you :smitten: Let us know when you have results. If I'm erratic in responding it's because I'll be traveling to see a friend for a week starting tomorrow. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Katie

[[on...]]

Thank you MT.  I think it's incredible that you're going to see a friend for a week.  That's awesome and I can't wait until I am able to do things like that.  Thank you for the prayers, thoughts and support.  :smitten:

[[MT...]]

Thank you MT.  I think it's incredible that you're going to see a friend for a week.  That's awesome and I can't wait until I am able to do things like that.  Thank you for the prayers, thoughts and support.  :smitten:

 

She may rue the day she ever invited me She's struggling too so I think we can provide support to each other. You're going to get here too, where you can visit friends and resume some normal life. If this were anyone else I wouldn't want to visit in the kind of shape I'm in but she's understanding so there shouldn't be pressure.

[[on...]]

This is a tough day.  Just hanging on until tomorrow when I see my doctor for a refill.  I'm on-time and compliant, but I just get paranoid when I'm about to get a refill.  I worry about absurd things like my doc will get sick and I'll run out of meds, and I'm just paranoid about things like that.  This is no way to live and I'll keep on pushing to make it.

 

Anyone else today?

 

MT I hope you are doing well on your trip if you get this. 

 

Lorazepam2015 my PM is not working.  I can't reply to anyone; including you.  Trying to fix it. 

 

 

[[MT...]]

Hey one year. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Some days can be really hard to get through. I think most of us feel a bit (or a lot) anxious about seeing our docs. While they're still prescribing for us it feels like they have a lot of power and most of us worry about what strange ideas they'll have from not understanding wd.

 

Today when I got up I was especially tired. I pushed myself to go on a 3 mile walk with my friend then we did some shopping. Now I'm so tired I can hardly move. I cry really easily when I'm this tired and I hate doing that in front of other people. It feels like another day I'm just trying to get through instead of enjoying. I wonder when I'll reach the point where I'm not trying to make time pass and I can savor it. Let us know how your appointment goes.

[[on...]]

I think it's awesome you can exercise.  It does help me so much but I'm not up to going as long as you. 

 

It's confession time.  I had my appointment with my doc and I'm not really happy.  He forgot that last month we agreed that I'd just hold on to my current dose for a while where I am (which slows this down - I know . . . ) so I could work and parent.  I needed that delay and he forgot we even talked about it.

 

Here's the confession.  I see my shrink every four weeks and he prescribes for 30 days. 

 

Yesterday was the first time in my entire recovery that I haven't taken an extra pill on the day I've gotten a new script just to get me through a hard day.  I'm ashamed of that, but proud I didn't do it yesterday.  A little emotional of me to talk about.  I have so much to work on.  :'(

[[MT...]]

I think it's awesome you can exercise.  It does help me so much but I'm not up to going as long as you. 

 

It's confession time.  I had my appointment with my doc and I'm not really happy.  He forgot that last month we agreed that I'd just hold on to my current dose for a while where I am (which slows this down - I know . . . ) so I could work and parent.  I needed that delay and he forgot we even talked about it.

 

Here's the confession.  I see my shrink every four weeks and he prescribes for 30 days. 

 

Yesterday was the first time in my entire recovery that I haven't taken an extra pill on the day I've gotten a new script just to get me through a hard day.  I'm ashamed of that, but proud I didn't do it yesterday.  A little emotional of me to talk about.  I have so much to work on.  :'(

 

One year, thank you for trusting yourself and us enough to tell us about your struggle. Those slips can make us feel so bad about ourselves. When I came off the first time I would take extra of whatever I had here and there to get through tough times and I hated myself for it. Now I'm having to forgive myself for all of the times I did that and how it delayed my process. Your telling us is a big sign that you're getting ready to release that behavior but you need to forgive yourself first. Maybe have someone in real life that can help hold you accountable too (I gave my extras to my husband for safe keeping and I'm still having him hold onto every benzo and benzo-type drug).

 

I'm sending you thoughts of peace and healing.

 

Katie