CONQUERING HEAVY ABUSE CLUB (CHAC?)

[[MT...]]

Will MT and Bad Choices it's been 8 months since you wished me luck.  I am doing better, and the health problems I had were not related to benzo use. 

 

Are you both still around?  I can't PM anyone because for some reason I've been shut out of that.  I probably won't be a frequent contributor, but was wondering how everyone in this group and the "Doing One Thing a Day that Scares Us" group is doing.

 

How about an update?

 

One year, it's so nice to hear from you! Am I remembering right that you were being checked for a neuromuscular disease? How is that going? How's your wd going?

 

I've made some good improvements except my sleep is pretty unchanged. Everyday life isn't misery. I had two good/leaning good days this past week. I'm still fatigued most of the time but that may just be the CFS, and not sleeping much of course.

 

I've thought of you often and wondered how you were. Are you still tapering? I'm sending you lots of warm thoughts and hopes for your healing.

[[on...]]

Cutting much slower, and it may be a life-long process.  Still fighting.  I started this thread after making a huge cut myself, and then checking myself into the hospital which happened to be great for me.  I stopped posting over a year ago, just for personal reasons.

 

However, I was taking over the lethal dose of xanax (30 mg) EVERY DAY.  I fought and fought and fought.  I think that when you really abuse your body and have been a really hard-core addict for decades, maybe you should be kind to yourself and really consider whether you should taper a little slower, and take a little longer than others.

 

Others here were at 3 mg of K and just cutting according to Ashton like it was easy.  It was destroying me.  After discussions with a number of professionals, I am still cutting, although so, so slowly.  One expert said to me that after messing with my brain for decades that perhaps I shouldn't expect to be clean in one year.  (I had been one year out of rehab when I joined).

 

So, I still am cutting.  But saw this old thread and thought I should post.  We are all different.  If you have used for 30 years and abused your body, and taking over the lethal dose of xanax on a daily basis for over a decade maybe you don't fit into the Ashton mold.  Maybe you should consider taking an even slower pace because I don't think your mind and body recovers as quickly as others.

 

As for me, I am 52, I am continuing to cut, but it may take me the rest of my life.  As long as I don't go back up I am proud.  Trying to cut with you race horses who are cutting even according to Ashton didn't work for me.  I feel like I am different from others and need to consider myself that way.

 

Good luck and best wishes to all.  If there are any heavy users out there who see this thread (it was at the bottom of the list and about to be deleted), I would like to hear from you.  I am not advocating living the rest of your life on benzos.  But if you can't live at all, life is tough to live.  Much slower for me seems to be the only way.  Even if it takes the rest of my life.

 

Every little cut is a victory, but I am living my life again.  - but I don't want to encourage those who are cutting successfully to slow down to my pace!!!

 

[[MT...]]

Paul, slowing down seems like the absolute right thing for you to do. I think high dose and long term users do much better going slowly. As I've said, I regret how fast I went but got some bad medical advice and didn't find BB until a month or two after I jumped. Now it's dealing with the aftermath. We all do our best and that can look different for different people. I believe you'll get there but it's a good thing you're being able to live your life along the way.

[[on...]]

I really wish I knew more about others who had really been doing benzos for life.  With work I have talked with and met heroin addicts fighting in recovery who were hooked for 20 years, and there is all kinds of writings and studies on these people.  Same with many of the recent studies on pain meds.

 

At times I feel like research on benzos (especially in the US where I try to do my research) is neglected.

 

I just want to talk to others who think they are going through symptoms that are really bizarre.  We lost our house, and our family moved into the house I grew up in which my mother needed help caring for.  For the first 2 years hear, when I looked at our dog I would try to call him "Puppy" when our dog's name is something else.  It was like I regressed into being 14 years old again.  My memories of being 14 were vivid and I remembered things and people I hadn't thought of for 30 years.  The memory is strange, but that type of response just blows my mind.  I started having dreams which involved people I knew 30 years ago.  I really felt I was going crazy at times, and I never heard anyone else write similar stories.

 

I really wonder if long-term xanax use (me) does more harm to the brain than shorter term use, and maybe it takes the brain much, much longer to recover.  At least that is what I am hoping!!!  I have little memory of the first 10 years of my graduating and starting to work.  This is strange!  Do I get it back???  When will I get it back???

 

Anyone else have bizarre but not painful brain problems like me?

[[...]]

Hello Paul.  I abused zopiclone for about 15 yrs, I was up to 60mg a day some of the time.  It took me years to taper down, and I failed several times before finally being completely off this year.  I had just about every withdrawal symptom known to man and then some.  It was very, very hard and I am so proud of myself that I finally did it.  I feel that I am tough and I finally came through. 

Stick with it, you will succeed eventually.  It doesn't matter how long it takes, just keep at it.

[[MT...]]

Paul,

 

Memory is a common topic around here, especially among those of us who took the drugs long term and at high doses. I've read about quite a few like you describe who've had weird memories return from the past yet still struggle with the present. I haven't had the past come back and I'm pretty fuzzy in the present. Learning anything new is near impossible. For me a lot of that probably has to do with how little I sleep. But I agree, the damage from longer term use likely takes longer to resolve.

 

Kes,

 

How are you feeling now after all you've been through? You've done an amazing thing.

 

MT

[[...]]

MT - thanks for asking, I am not too bad at all.  I still have tinnitus and heartburn and my anxiety comes and goes, but on the whole I'm doing well.  It sounds like you have come through a lot yourself, you are a survivor too!  I hope your list of Sx decreases gradually - kes xx

[[on...]]

MT - memory really is strange.  I had a dream last night about things 20 years ago.  Nothing huge, but it was a long drawn-out dream where I was just living my life - but it was 20 years ago.  I wish those would go away!

 

I read above and I don't know if I answered your question in a PM or not.  I was actually sent to an ALS expert.  I am okay and have a nerve disorder that is being treated and unrelated to my abuse.  That was a huge scare and I saw 4 neurologists before it was ruled out.  I am obviously thankful I don't have it, but I always think about what would have happened if I just assumed my sxs were just abuse only to find I had something very serious a year from now.

 

I don't ever think we should panic about every single symptom, but on the other hand I think that all of us should be careful not to think that everything we feel must be related to abuse.  Many of them don't understand, but I feel there are times that forcing yourself to get a non-psych checkup is a good idea.

 

KES, thank you.  Since I am just holding now, there are times I feel like I am not accomplishing anything.  I know many opiate users end up on maintenance for the rest of their lives.  On nights like tonight, I do wonder if I will ever get to the very end of this and get all the way off.  I wonder fi I really re-wired my brain and will always need to be on it, which is obviously not my goal.  But for now I am better than i was a year ago, etc., etc., etc.  That's what I have to keep thinking about. 

 

Hope you are doing well.

 

P

 

 

 

[[...]]

Paul, like you there were many times through the years when I thought I would be on z drugs forever.  But I'm off and doing well.  I held for months and years and didn't make any progress. But then eventually, I did.  I'm trusting it will be the same for you. 

[[MT...]]

Paul, all we can do is work with the reality we have and do our best. You've already reduced your drug load considerably. I think you have a good plan to just go very slowly and see what happens. The symptoms stink and I'm sure you often feel frustrated and discouraged. I'm glad some things are better than they were for you though.

 

[[Be...]]

Hello,

 

Could someone who's had to go through cold-turkey for a few days offer some advice on what meds I can take to prevent sudden death? The cold turkey is from a dose in the range of 40-50 mgs Ativan (lorazepam)

 

I have:

 

1) Seroquel (quetiapine) - used mainly for sleep; I know it has antipsychotic properties, but I wonder if it will be strong enough

2) Abilify (aripiprazole) - a stronger anti-psychotic I only took for a week a year ago when I was suffering from emotional instability and it dulled all senses. But I have no idea whether it'd be effective in benzo withdrawal at all.

3) Valproic acid - to prevent seuizures; though I have nothing for a rapid heart rate if I go tachy or something...

4) Lyrica (pregabalin) - I've used it before noticing no effect unless you take more than recommended - the effect was similar to getting high on weed but much weirder and unpleasant. But I know people have used it as a med to cope with withdrawal.

 

The major problem is that I'm not sure which ones to combine with and which ones not to avoid too much interaction?.... I know nothing.

 

I will be really grateful to anyone who can help me survive the 2 days. I have only one blister of 10 pills x 2.5 mg lorazepam = 25 mg, but the last few days because of problems with authority (my mother or I > who gets to keep the pills), I was emotionally unstable and would take 25-50 mgs at once 3 times a day on some days. You can hate me, if you wish to, but please don't. My mother giving me the pills was unsuccessful. I had previously ON MY OWN tapered down to 37.5 mg A DAY and was going to go lower and lower had it not been for some horrific image/event that took place.

 

Thank you in advance,

BM

Modify message

 

Hello, I was referred here to a member of the benzobuddies forum. I don't know if this support group is active at all, but I'll very thankful to you, guys, if you can help. In the mean time, I'll read through what you've been through and experienced.

 

Kind regards,

BM

[[Ch...]]

 

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. IMO if you feel this might be a life or death question then I’d call my doc and/or be ready to go to the closest ER.

 

I would not ask for what might be life-saving advice online.  Nor would I answer this post with drug advice.

 

Don’t misunderstand me. I sympathize for your predicament but feel this is beyond the scope of BenzoBuddies.

 

Take care...