6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Nova, so glad to hear from you! So glad to hear about your experience! It sounds wonderful! Know that you were missed!

 

Peace, you are so awesome! Look at you out there teaching those little ones! You are amazing!

 

Be well all!

 

[[No...]]

Garton ... I "hear" how confused and stressed you feel right now ... sleep disruption and the "thoughts" ... and I hear you struggling ... those long night hours ... I experienced what you are going through ... for a very long time ... more than a year ...

 

For me, all my "struggling" was to no avail ... all my searching for "relief" bore no fruit ... the more "energy" I put into trying to find a way out the more stressed I was that day ... no matter what I tried to "do", nothing got "fixed" in the moment ... eventually my sleep came back to me ... and the "thoughts", well they are still around sometimes, and they do not have much "energy" anymore ...

 

So much of the "turmoil" I experienced for a very long time was self-inflicted ... yes, healing is hard and long, and I did not need to add to the distress my body was going through day to day ...

 

I found that the more "energy" I could release from my struggling I could re-focus it towards being kind to myself and those around me ... some days I had none to give ... some days I had just enough to get through that day ... and the more I could do this for myself and those around me the less I struggled with what was happening to me that day ...

 

This healing process is "hot" enough without my adding another log to its fire ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

[[No...]]

Thank you Peace and GMIT and Coop ... yes I did chop a little wood and carried some water ... and mostly walked and sat and watched and listened ... and I remembered an old remedy for head pressure that helped ...

 

I get the head pressure stuff and the clogged ear sensation and the sinus pressure and the face pressure, mostly on the right side, the left side seems reserved for the tinnitus ...

 

Filled the teapot and used chamomile tea (Nova's remedy for all that ails me) ... let it steep for a bit ... took the lid off the teapot, put a towel over my head and bent over the teapot ... and just breathed, slowly and deeply, nose and mouth ... after a while took off the towel and drank the tea ...

 

Once again, doesn't "fix" anything, but it seems to be helping keeping that pressure stuff at bay ... doing it two or three times a day, when required ... btw ... doesn't do a thing for tinnitus ...

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Garton,  you might find this a little woo- woo,  but Tart Cherry juice ..and turkey ( together) are helpful for sleep. Not like a pill,  but helpful.  The juice should be 100% pure juice w/o added sugar.  It is tart but it tastes really good. The turkey should be as close to organic as you can get. 4-6 ounces of juice and half a turkey sandwhich 3-4 oz. of turkey w/o pickles etc. just quality bread and a dash of Mayo.

..I drink the cherry juice right st bedtime....hope this is even s little bit helpful. The cherry juice contains melatonin and the turkey contains tryptophan ...both aide sleep...

[[No...]]

Well Peace ... you made it to "superlative" ... and you are right, banging your head on the table just p****s off the table and annoys the mice ... you are doing great ... 16 lessons in two days ...

 

This may sound goofy ... be "tired", you earned it, when you can, be happy in your tiredness ...

 

 

 

[[La...]]

Hi, friends.  Yes, hydroxyzine works for sleep.  I have an rx for it myself.

 

So, guess what I got this morning at 10 months out and wondering if I'm done healing?  ...Brain zaps!  Very mild, but unmistakable.  In a way, I don't mind, because it gives me some physical proof that I'm still healing, and my anxiety is not just "me."

 

Hope everyone has a great day!

 

At 8+ months out I have been getting brain zaps lately as well. "Very, mild but unmistakable" is EXACTLY how I would describe the experience. I'm a neuropharmacologist, and the longevity/persistence of these sxs for months after cessation/jumping never seems to astound me. It's no wonder most physicians dont believe us.

[[pe...]]

Wow, Laser. Sorry about the brain zaps, but glad to hear you're faring pretty well besides that. It seems like you could easily be an expert on all this given your line of work. I have so many questions?!? Do we really get better? What are your thoughts on benzo damage and recovery? Inquiring minds….

 

Nova, thanks. I am just tired and a few other things that involve morbid thinking. Even after all that 'success' in the classroom, I am freaked out and feeling like jumping overboard every other minute. It's bizarre to feel like I'm going to make it and like I'm not in the very same breath. I'm trying to stay out of the pit and let the work occupy as much of my thinking as possible. Because when I start to wander… it's into some pretty dark places. I long to be at peace and awake in my life. I am not 'there' yet. I am here … and I have mixed feelings about that.

 

 

Peace2

 

[[La...]]

Wow, Laser. Sorry about the brain zaps, but glad to hear you're faring pretty well besides that. It seems like you could easily be an expert on all this given your line of work. I have so many questions?!? Do we really get better? What are your thoughts on benzo damage and recovery? Inquiring minds….

 

peace, we jumped at around the same time. As to your questions above, these inquiries have been the subject of much debate here on BB. But to distill them down to a short response, I'd say YES, we really get better. 100% better? I'm not there yet, but other folks assure us we will hit 100%. It's quite possible. Damage is a hot button term. It is not a fair descriptor and will cause much heated argument. Are there physical brain lesions? Might be a better question, the answer of which is UNKNOWN. Certainly my best guess is that there is real STRUCTURAL brain rewiring due to benzos and the time course for it reverting back to our pre-benzo days is long. Is re-wiring damage? That's debatable but not essential to answer. Enough for now. 

 

 

Peace2

[[ga...]]

Coop...Thanks so much for the juice and turkey suggestion.  In the past I have tried turkey at bedtime but not the cherry juice.  I will give it a try next time at the store.  I'll let you know how it works.  Appreciate any suggestions...always looking for the right combo to knock me out. 

[[pe...]]

I am dealing with some thick and creepy darkness but I wouldn't describe it as depressed exactly. I'm not sure if this is the intrusive thoughts part of withdrawal or what, but it's scaring me because I can't shake it off. I feel like I'm arguing with myself about death but I don't want to die. This might be too morbid. Sorry if bringing this up is too much. Anyone else go through waves of being in darkness?

 

Going to try to shed some of this thru sleep.

 

Thanks,

Peace2

[[je...]]

Peace-- I get this dark feeling, not sure if that is what you experience. Its a feeling of the world and everything around me has a dark vibe and feeling to it. Very creepy feeling and it scares me too.

[[Gr...]]

Doing well going into 8 months off. Then out of nowhere, the early waking, popping up like a rocket at ~4:30 am EVERY morning, started occurring. This shit is getting real old. I was doing so well for so long and now this. Its benzos for sure. I will never forget that early am burning feeling. Its. Back. 

 

Fortunately, hydroxyzine can prevent the early wakings, but I really dont want to be on any sleep meds. I do break down every once in a while and take some just to recharge my sleep. And I feel like a million bucks the day after. 

 

Hope all of you are making your way to the exit door on this hellacious benzo ride.

 

laser

 

Lazor,

Was reading everyone's post when I got to yours.  I looked up hydroxyzine.  There is an untouched bottle from my vacation in July when I was attached by chiggers.  I was too afraid to take it so used benedryl. Really.. this stuff helps you sleep??  Maybe it will break the cycle.

 

I haven't slept in almost 2 months since hot flashes and cortisol rushes invaded.  Will try it out tonight.

 

MommyR

 

I didn't realize you hadn't slept in that long.  That happened to me in month 7.  It went on forever.  I'm so sorry.  It will pass, it just stops one day, you just get tired and sleep. 

 

Green

[[Gr...]]

Peace-- I get this dark feeling, not sure if that is what you experience. Its a feeling of the world and everything around me has a dark vibe and feeling to it. Very creepy feeling and it scares me too.

 

Did you ever read the Berenstain Bears books to your kids?  The one on strangers? There are two pages facing each other, one is light and sunny and everyone is smiling, and the one next to it is the same picture, but it's dark and everyone is frowning or looks threatening and scary?  Dark, creepy, weird.

[[Gr...]]

Green, you are doing great! Please don't compare your situation to anyone else's! We are individual and experience things differently, you will do what you can when you can!

 

Working is not easy either! The stress of learning a new job, meeting all the new people, it's just what I "need" to do to keep my mind occupied with something other than this...it's hard when the anxiety/fear hits!

 

I took 1/2 a Unisom last night and slept 8.5 hours but woke feeling tired! Can't wait for the sleep issues to improve!

 

Healing is happening!!

 

 

Thanks, GMIT.  I was whining and feeling sorry for myself.  This wave has hit me hard.  I'm doing less now than I was 3 months ago.  Yeah, sleep is probably the biggest issue when I think about work.  I just can't see myself getting up at 6:30 in the morning.  I should be back by Nov.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Green,  'just ' healing IS work. Healing is a worthwhile and meaningful. I feel the same way. When I read of the amazing buddies working,  raising little children,  keeping up on the household chores AND social events I wonder,  " what am I contributing to life?".....When I get depressed about my. ' slo- mo ' life I remember the comments in the success stories that say that re- entry is is a big feature of year 2. I wouldn't be able to work now either. But...last year I couldn't get out of bed hardly. This year I am up and functional almost every day. I feel traumatized by this last big wave with the head pressure and dizziness...I feel as though I am starting all over again with developing confidence and bravery.

.  ..Green,  you have come a very ling way. I think we have to trust our bodies...I really think our mo- Jo will come back naturally...we will feel it and " know " when to do more. In the meantime I tell myself that healing is my job and my 'work ' right now. You are doing an awesome job of healing and getting your life back. The dizziness wave takes awhile to bounce back from. Also living alone takes a lot of effort in the self support demand in recovery. ...We are going to have our energy and our lives back...I was so happy to see you back on this morning...I hope you are recovering from this last wave. I have had a couple of really good days. I wake up with acute like s/x but it has lifted after being up for a few hours. This morning is fear and depression but once I get the dog out things will improve if the pattern holds

....Thinking of you Green...wishing you a good day ...you are working hard every day at healing...thank you for all of the support you pour into this thread....love to you Green....coop

 

Coop, you're so sweet.  Yes, this last wave has been a setback.  I didn't see it coming -- I don't know why I never see them coming.  I'm glad to hear you've had some better days.  Yes, the dizziness was tough.  Let's hope when this breaks we get some real quality days.

 

Love to you, too, Coop.

[[mr...]]

I am dealing with some thick and creepy darkness but I wouldn't describe it as depressed exactly. I'm not sure if this is the intrusive thoughts part of withdrawal or what, but it's scaring me because I can't shake it off. I feel like I'm arguing with myself about death but I don't want to die. This might be too morbid. Sorry if bringing this up is too much. Anyone else go through waves of being in darkness?

 

Going to try to shed some of this thru sleep.

 

Thanks,

Peace2

 

Hahahahaha!!! I'm certainly not laughing at you, Peace!! I just can relate to what you said -- I often feel like its a fight with a three-year-old!!! Its like, um NOOO I'M the boss of me, thank you very much!! The real Me -- spirit -- is wholly perfect and is (should be) the leader of my mind and body. This is not to say that the mind and body don't put up a feisty fight (understated at times!), since they do not like "pain". But that is OK -- they are technically in subjection to Me -- and they MUST follow. The "tricky" part is to NOT allow the real Me to entertain, listen to, or even come close to being persuaded with the lies & persuasions "smoke-and-mirrored" by the five physical senses + wrong/untruthful thoughts. This takes practice, faith, and a dogged & "holy" determination -- I mean heels dug in, immoveable, impenetrable, unshakeable -- against anything that tries to challenge the fact/truth, of our health and healing. The mind and the physical body lend towards the path of least resistance in the here & now, and as such will tend to initially want to "side" with these silly smoke-&-mirrored persuasions (because they are "easy" &/or "convenient" to believe at the time); it is our (the real Me's) job to take the lead (and retake it, and retake it, and retake it...again and again and again, if necessary, until the mind and body [AKA the three-year-old] get the hint that its Big Mama who's in charge from here on out!...).

 

Welp, that was a long train of thought /slashie / tangent!! Today I had some free-floating fear that had me "pezzed" (pissed) off -- its time to take a stand. Withdrawal or no. I am going to live my life, and live it more abundantly. It starts today, and now!

 

How is everyone doing? Coop? Life? MommyR? And everyone else too! I hope you all are feeling better and better all the time! Our healing just keeps on manifesting all the time Sending love to you all,

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Green-- I feel the same way, my motivation is non existent. I know its w/d because when I'm in a window I feel so much motivation and I can get a lot done. I'm also tired a lot so I just want to lay on my couch a lot, not how I want to be living but I have zero energy at the moment. I think this is also parr of acceptance, not to feel guilty about things we can't do-- its hard. Feel better, jenny

 

Thank you, Jenny.

I'm embarrassed.  I've been such  damned cheerleader for a while, and now I feel like a big bird that's too heavy to get off the ground, lol. 

[[Gr...]]

Sorry to start the morning with a downer.  Last night was a disaster for me.  Went to bed at midnight. Fell asleep quickly but woke at 2:45 with a burst of anxiety and couldn't stop all those thoughts that flooded my mind at that time.  My wife knew I was up and asked the old question, "What's going on".  Well all the standard stuff I dwell on at that time of the night.  We have a trip to NY this weekend for a family event and then some other stressful events in the coming weeks.  I just lay there going round and round thinking how will I get through this and all the "what if's" that go along with this thought process.  I am a failure and I can't stand going through my life like this. I just am overthinking everything rather than just letting life happen day to day.  Damnit!  Why can't I just shut my brain down instead of getting all caught up with this horrible thinking.

 

Sorry about this...but this has become my focus and my life.  Caught up thinking about me, me , me.  No one else.  Very selfish and self centered and just driving my wife crazy.  She has put up with this for years.  I'm wondering when she will have had enough and I will be left all alone to deal with this.  Scares the hell out of me and creates more anxiety and despair.  A vicious circle I am in.  Just want to enjoy my life day to day.

 

Gart,

You know these things pass, and when they do, you just get absorbed into the flow of life. Right now we're outside, looking in, we're separate.  Honestly, I don't know how you married folks, people with partners, get through this in one piece.  All I think about is me, me, me.  It's all I can think about.  This is an existential and real life crisis for me, me, me.  And I had to learn to be very selfish to survive this.  I think everybody here, we're all preoccupied with ourselves, our symptoms, until we can't stand it anymore.  Hell, we're all in survival mode.  You will enjoy your life fully.  Get some sleep

[[Gr...]]

Green,  'just ' healing IS work. Healing is a worthwhile and meaningful. I feel the same way. When I read of the amazing buddies working,  raising little children,  keeping up on the household chores AND social events I wonder,  " what am I contributing to life?".....When I get depressed about my. ' slo- mo ' life I remember the comments in the success stories that say that re- entry is is a big feature of year 2. I wouldn't be able to work now either. But...last year I couldn't get out of bed hardly. This year I am up and functional almost every day. I feel traumatized by this last big wave with the head pressure and dizziness...I feel as though I am starting all over again with developing confidence and bravery.

.  ..Green,  you have come a very ling way. I think we have to trust our bodies...I really think our mo- Jo will come back naturally...we will feel it and " know " when to do more. In the meantime I tell myself that healing is my job and my 'work ' right now. You are doing an awesome job of healing and getting your life back. The dizziness wave takes awhile to bounce back from. Also living alone takes a lot of effort in the self support demand in recovery. ...We are going to have our energy and our lives back...I was so happy to see you back on this morning...I hope you are recovering from this last wave. I have had a couple of really good days. I wake up with acute like s/x but it has lifted after being up for a few hours. This morning is fear and depression but once I get the dog out things will improve if the pattern holds

....Thinking of you Green...wishing you a good day ...you are working hard every day at healing...thank you for all of the support you pour into this thread....love to you Green....coop

 

Green, I am sorry you feel this way but Coop is right.

 

What we are doing is HUGE.

 

I work a few hours a day and I wish I could avoid it. But I have no choice.

 

Today, I had two lessons back to back. I planned them , but still, this afternoon I could not breath my chest was so tight like in tolerance.

That was when I understood I have to be careful. Very careful.

 

You are doing a lot, you owe it to yourself to not be hard on yourself. 

 

Thanks, Sky.  I used to be alpha dog girl.  Now I'm bringing up the rear.  And I have to accept that and let my body get better.  I gave up my bike ride to go food shopping and visit the ex in the n. home.  Tired, benzo flu.  I knew I overdid it. 

 

I'm glad you are doing the lessons.  Sorry about the chest pain, though.  Jenny was getting that recently.  That's a horrible scary symptom.  I hope it's gone.  Soon this wave will be over and we'll feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Green,  'just ' healing IS work. Healing is a worthwhile and meaningful. I feel the same way. When I read of the amazing buddies working,  raising little children,  keeping up on the household chores AND social events I wonder,  " what am I contributing to life?".....When I get depressed about my. ' slo- mo ' life I remember the comments in the success stories that say that re- entry is is a big feature of year 2. I wouldn't be able to work now either. But...last year I couldn't get out of bed hardly. This year I am up and functional almost every day. I feel traumatized by this last big wave with the head pressure and dizziness...I feel as though I am starting all over again with developing confidence and bravery.

.  ..Green,  you have come a very ling way. I think we have to trust our bodies...I really think our mo- Jo will come back naturally...we will feel it and " know " when to do more. In the meantime I tell myself that healing is my job and my 'work ' right now. You are doing an awesome job of healing and getting your life back. The dizziness wave takes awhile to bounce back from. Also living alone takes a lot of effort in the self support demand in recovery. ...We are going to have our energy and our lives back...I was so happy to see you back on this morning...I hope you are recovering from this last wave. I have had a couple of really good days. I wake up with acute like s/x but it has lifted after being up for a few hours. This morning is fear and depression but once I get the dog out things will improve if the pattern holds

....Thinking of you Green...wishing you a good day ...you are working hard every day at healing...thank you for all of the support you pour into this thread....love to you Green....coop

 

Green, I am sorry you feel this way but Coop is right.

 

What we are doing is HUGE.

 

I work a few hours a day and I wish I could avoid it. But I have no choice.

 

Today, I had two lessons back to back. I planned them , but still, this afternoon I could not breath my chest was so tight like in tolerance.

That was when I understood I have to be careful. Very careful.

 

You are doing a lot, you owe it to yourself to not be hard on yourself. 

 

Yeah, I pushed to go food shopping, and I kind of got slammed with fatigue and benzo flu.  I think we have to be very cautious with this wave.

[[de...]]

Do alot of yall still have that fear and anxiety after 6 months?

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... was visiting with a friend Labour Day afternoon and got talking a bit about what I "missed" these last few years ... got talking about being out, alone, walking, camping, and so on ... got my bluff called ... my friend has a "camp" up the shore ... pretty rustic but safe and warm and dry ... he offered to drive me up and drop me off for a "few days" ...

 

Be careful what you wish for ... my wife said "go" ... if I had had the time to "think" about it I likely would not have gone ... he drove me up, stayed the night, and drove back to town in the morning ... I got back to town last night ... six days alone ... I know what I am doing in the bush ... but it had been a very long time ... sometime Tuesday afternoon I felt at home and just moved into being where I was ... found the "rhythm" of the place ... it is such a luxurious feeling to be "accepted" and "known" within a place ... very much like walking into a familiar cathedral ...

 

No writing, no reading ... a true respite for me ... six days of living in my "senses" ... and yes, I was aware of some side effects still percolating ... there is still healing going on ... and my centre was aligned with the place and the environs and we just breathed together ... hard to get tangled up in benzo stuff when all my focus was on just being where I was ...

 

Take Care ...

 

I have a beautiful visual of you in nature's cathedral. 

[[Gr...]]

Do alot of yall still have that fear and anxiety after 6 months?

 

Yes!

[[...]]

Dee, yes I do! It's a lot better than it was, but it's still there!

 

[[Sk...]]

Peace-- I get this dark feeling, not sure if that is what you experience. Its a feeling of the world and everything around me has a dark vibe and feeling to it. Very creepy feeling and it scares me too.

 

Did you ever read the Berenstain Bears books to your kids?  The one on strangers? There are two pages facing each other, one is light and sunny and everyone is smiling, and the one next to it is the same picture, but it's dark and everyone is frowning or looks threatening and scary?  Dark, creepy, weird.

 

Ok Susan, this pretty much hits the nail on the head.

 

Mrs too has a point when talking about the elephant in the room, our creepy  interior monologues. One day maybe we'll laugh about these things. Maybe.

About partners, husbands and such. Yes, this is a me trip and I am sick of it. But then Mr Sky just surprises me, when I least expect it, he asks me in detail about my symptoms. He knows all of them!  How do they do it? I don't know if I would be up to it after so long !

 

Yesterday, I had that anxiety and then, suddenly, for no reason, it disappeared.

 

One student, from China, showed up online, with her family around the webcam and introduced me. I chatted with the children and it was really nice, I can't explain it.

But the preparation is gruelling.

If washing my hair requires strength of will, planning and manages to take a whole day, you can imagine what preparing for a lesson might be. I can'timagine how Jenny does so much more.

 

I had other things I wanted to say but of course I have forgotten everything .

 

Everybody, thanks for your posts, they are so much help. It is great to read about your battles, your days. Nova and his hut, Jenny banging her head on the table, bothering the mice but getting the superlatives right, Garton struggling and GreenIce telling it like it is. Mrs, tactfully reminding us of the bigger picture. Coop giving us pearls of wisdom no matter what we throw at her.

 

The list is long. All voices I have come to look forward to. Each telling their story in their own way.

 

Have a better day.