FLIP'S FREEDOM

[[Fl...]]

Hi Yogi, sorry for the delay. Had finals. 

 

After my taper ended, my therapist was encouraging me to get outside these four walls. I went to a round table discussion on poverty at my church to see how I could volunteer. That's how I got involved in the prison program. One thing led to another thing and I started loving how I felt when I was talking to other people about their struggles. It made me feel pretty lucky usually because by comparison, much of my life has been storybook wonderful.

 

But I was limited on what I could actually do, both legally and from a skills standpoint. I applied and was accepted to this program that positions me for licensure as a professional counselor as well as a drug and alcohol counselor. It's a lengthy program. I question almost every day if I'm doing the right thing. It's brutally difficult going back to school at my age and sitting in the classroom with 20 year olds. I have lost my way many many times. On top of that, my much beloved counselor has changed career directions, so I've had to find a new one. It is a huge understatement to say it's been painful. I think I've grown more in these last 4 months than at any time in my benzo journey.

 

I surely would not recommend it to anyone. I think there are much easier ways to make a difference. I just happen to be childless, grandchildless, my husband is 76 and not in great health, and I know I'm facing years alone. I'm both making meaning for myself, eager to be positioned to really help others meaningfully, and also to provide an income. The benzo years left us poor.

 

So I know that's more than you asked, and I truly appreciate your gracious comments. But there are many, many ways to give back. Mine is just one. I honestly might not make it through it. It will be pure grace if I do. My best advice is to do something that doesn't stretch you too far out of your comfort zone and something that makes your soul sing. Only you know what that feels like. I look forward to reading what it is.

Flip

 

[[Mi...]]

Flip, it's good to read your story of recovery. I'm so afraid of the future. I am still tapering - at 8.75 valium now and .16 Ativan (down from an equivalent of 24 mg. Valium since 11 months ago). I have along way to go and have had all the symptoms. I'm 67 years old. But the time I'm done with this, if I do heal, I will be facing old age. I've always had depression and exhaustion. I won't have job to go back to, I'll be facing old age diseases, my beloved husband might die before I do (that would be the end of the world). How did you cope with fear and dread of the future of getting older? I know you are working toward a meaningful career, but I'm not sure I can find that goal.

 

Thank you,

MirandaJane

[[Fl...]]

MirandaJane, I don't have definite answers. I do know we have more inside us than we know we have. It is the impossible times that bring that strength out.

 

I've had a ton of wonderful professional and ordinary help in this journey. I'm just going to think out loud and make a list of what has made the biggest difference for me in hope that you will find one or two that makes life seem brighter.

 

1. Therapy where I could learn about myself, both strengths and weaknesses, and how to become a better human.

2. Support group - I finally settled on EA, Emotions Anonymous, mostly because of the people in that group. I have grown to love them like family.

3. Church - I am not a religious person, but I find much value in the strength of an organized group of people. I got very lucky and found an inclusive and socially aware church. I find community there.

4. Volunteering - something that makes me feel like I'm giving back in some way. It pushed me a little outside myself.

5. Spirituality - this is the most important one. If I didn't believe in something bigger than me and some kind of a purpose or plan , I simply couldn't, probably wouldn't do it. Certainly, I would not have done a taper. I try to touch base every day with that thing that is higher, bigger. For me, it is sitting in silence and surrender to what comes.

6. Food. Since you are MTHFR compliant, you are probably educated far above most of us on nutrition. I have done an antiinflammatory diet, based loosely on the Wahls protocol for the last three years. I think it has been key in my getting well.

7. Thoughts. It goes along with spirituality but I have learned that I can choose what I think but it takes practice. I went through a particularly hard time last fall with my first semester and with my therapist leaving. I felt lost, old, irrelevant, silly, almost every negative adjective one can apply. A change came to me during a school assignment where I was examining thoughts, labeling them rational or irrational and disputing them. I won't go completely into it, but will just say that from that exercise, I said yes, I'll be 63 when I simply graduate and probably closer to 65 when I'm licensed. I may only have a few years to work in the field. I may never actually get licensed. And that's ok. This is a time of great privilege when I get to learn about myself and grow as a human. There is no reason at all that my 60s, even my 70's can't be active and wonderful. No reason unless I make that reason true due to fear.

 

And what is the alternative, MirandaJane? The truth is, we are in aging bodies. These bodies were not meant to last. We are going to wear them out. Sure, we can do some things to keep ourselves limber and healthy, but we are going to die. I guess above all, I want to be an elder in this society. I want to be a person who a younger person can look at and say, "hey, 70, 80, even 90, those are graceful and doable."  I want to support people, I want to give them hope and inspiration. Just today one of my 20-something friends texted me to see if I had time to meet and catch up today. That is a great gift to me. What she is really saying is "Flip, I need to have someone hear me". I consider it a privilege and honor to deeply listen to her and to make a comment or two that she might get direction from. It is life giving for me.

 

The main ingredient is connection. My best advice would be to find something you really like to do that you can do right now, and then figure out a way to do it where it not only helps people, but it connects you to people in a real, tangible way. That is where joy resides. We really do need each other. We are hardwired for connection. I think it's that simple.

 

I know you will find your way. You don't get to be 67 and more than half way through a benzo taper without having some serious skills. I'll look forward to seeing how life unfolds for you. There is no reason we can't make what is left of our 60s and all of our 70s remarkable! It's in the choices we make now. That's where change happens.

Flip

[[no...]]

Flip, it's good to read your story of recovery. I'm so afraid of the future. I am still tapering - at 8.75 valium now and .16 Ativan (down from an equivalent of 24 mg. Valium since 11 months ago). I have along way to go and have had all the symptoms. I'm 67 years old. But the time I'm done with this, if I do heal, I will be facing old age. I've always had depression and exhaustion. I won't have job to go back to, I'll be facing old age diseases, my beloved husband might die before I do (that would be the end of the world). How did you cope with fear and dread of the future of getting older? I know you are working toward a meaningful career, but I'm not sure I can find that goal.

 

Thank you,

MirandaJane

Hi MirandaJane  We're not getting old just older, old is a state of mind not a state of being we will feel differently once we're healed  I'm nearly sixty I don't  feel I'm old, but suffering so long is what feels old. Better times are ahead for us all, its just hard to believe it  some times when we've suffered hard and long.

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Flip and Nova - thank you for your replies. Flip, you are amazing. I wish I had your strength and optimism. I'm tired of being strong. You have a lot of good suggestions, I just fear that I can't follow through with them. Certainly not during withdrawal because I'm afraid to drive my car and being with people or even going to the grocery store triggers all kinds of symptoms. I'm in therapy - my husband drives me - and it helps a little. I belong to the Unitarian Church, but can't attend due to not driving. Nor could I go to a support group - I can't even find one that's appropriate. When withdrawal is over, I would like to attempt volunteering or a part-time job. I need to connect with people. But starting all over again seems overwhelming. Before benzos, my job was my main connection. That's all gone now. I can't believe in anything spiritual. I have tried, but it just doesn't work for me. I simply can't believe there is anything beyond our physical selves. Life would be easier if I could. I have a strict diet because I've lost so much weight that I'm in danger of needing feeding tubes. I have gained a little and am hanging on. As far as choosing thoughts - I'm working on that, but it's hard. I can't remember or "feel" good times in my past, only the bad ones, that seem sharp as razors.

 

I hope I  have your courage and strength as I recover - IF I recover. Thanks for your support,

MirandaJane

[[Fi...]]

Flip, I truly admire your strength, courage and determination. Thank you for sharing your story, it made me hopeful that maybe one day I will feel good and More myself again. Reading about all those horrible things you've been through I realised I should be more humble and pity myself less. Thank you x

[[Fl...]]

Fifi, please believe me when I say I have been full to overflowing with self pity and victimhood. It's not a very productive place to be and we don't gain any ground while there. I do think it's a stage of grief we go through. I think we have to go through some anger and sadness before we find empowerment.

 

MirandaJane, sometimes all there is to do is take the next breath. I feel deep empathy for you and I am glad you take comfort in love with your husband. That love, for him and for others, is something greater than us. I hope you will take refuge in it, in the beauty of love. Often we say to ourselves that we can't do this. At least I did. Then we find ourselves doing it. The alternative, the not doing it, is usually death, and the survival instinct is very strong.

 

One of my long time friends here has a terminal illness. She often despairs. How could she not. Yet, she managed to get off benzos, and maybe more impressive, she manages to go ahead and live a life of connection. It's startling and instructive. I've learned a lot from her. She isn't always winning, of course.

 

I pray your weight stabilizes and begins to improve. This is a scary time for you. You are being brave. I respect that.

Flip

[[Mi...]]

Fliprain, thanks for your support. Sometimes I feel the only reason I haven't offed myself is becuase it would hurt my husband and son and they would not understand why my pain was so great. Also, I can't find a fast and easy way to do it. But today is better - probably because I've been holding my diazepam microtaper for a week in preparation for starting lorazepam (Ativan) microtaper tonight. I expect it to be hell, based on past experience. But it's the only way through this. and I'm tapering VERY slowly.

 

One day at a time,

MirandaJane

[[Fl...]]

I understand, Miranda Jane. I had two friends kill themselves over this. One was in real life and one was in the forum. What a colossal waste. I still mourn. I saw, in part, what their suicides did to their families, and at least for a short time during the acute stage, that's what kept me alive. I simply couldn't bear to hurt those I loved. So your instinct and compassion are good things. Don't lose sight of them.

 

I admire your courage and perserverence. Imagine yourself in a tunnel where you can't see the end or even a glimmer of light ahead. You only trust that it's there. You know can rely on others who have gone before you. It's there, I promise. I don't know how long it will take or how bad it will be, but one day, you will emerge into a place that is so clear, so profoundly beautiful, that you will say it was worth it all, and the memories of your current torment will be just that -memories.  That will be a great day for you.

❤️

Flip

[[Ch...]]

You are so wise, Flippy. 

[[co...]]

Thanks for writing it all down, Flip.

 

Pretty much feeling despair this last week thanks to 2 long months of insomnia (and the incessant companion hindrances) and my 60th birthday approaching. 

 

Who knew that 25 months later life would still be this shitty?

 

And honestly, there also have been months of window-ish relief; it's just such a shock to have it still be this bad this far out.

 

Klonopin--the gift that keeps on giving. 

 

All the fears you have written about, your goals for your remaining years, are things I, too, think about and struggle with.  I can't help but wonder if I will get well enough to overcome and accomplish before my time is up?  I can't even travel to visit my children for the stress of it all!

 

Your story is just what I needed today.

 

You will make a great counselor!

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Challis - the wisdom we have is hard won, isn't it? ❤️

 

Aw CookieNose (great name), you've suffered a long time. The spirit grows weary. One thing I think helped me a lot was continually asking myself a simple question - "Am I doing everything I know how to do to get well?"  Honestly, it was that question that allowed me to make so many life style changes, which I think only speeded up the process quite a bit. Especially valuable was starting to eat only real food, nothing processed. I think that really helped me to heal since it gave my body all the great nutrients or building blocks to use to heal.

 

I'm very glad you have "window-ish" times. Those keep hope alive!

Take care.

Flip

[Guest [Gi...]]

Dear Flip,

I needed to read your story today.I started having digestive issues and tolerance to Klonopin about 6 months ago. I've lost 35 pounds and have had some issues with insomnia, IBS-Constipation, eye blurriness, wanting to stay in my bedroom, difficult in the grocery store, and other withdrawal symptoms. I'm 55 and a teacher. Unfortunately , I can't take the stress of work and my health, so I have decided to retire.I'm on a leave since December when I was hospitalized with what I believe are withdrawal symptoms. I just didn't realize it at the time. They also found extremely small nodules o my thyroid while in the hospital.My principal is going to allow me to work one week in February and one week in March-without having a class to ge to my 30 year mark. I'm very new to tapering and know that I have a long time to go. I want to get more involved in my church and give back to others after I feel able to do so. I will soon be loosing my mental health coverage. I will continue to follow you because you are very inspiring and that is what I wanted to find more than anything on this BB forum. I love this.

I'll share another thing that I love. It's represented by the acronym, PERMA...

 

Positive emotion

Engagement

Relationship

Meaning

Achievement

 

These are the qualities to have for a meaningful life, an engaged life, a happy life. I think they apply to benzo issues as well as when we are healed. I mean when is it more important to find a moment of awe, feel a part of something and feel like you're doing a good job than right now?

I'm going to place it(the acronym) in my bedroom and reflect on it when I'm having a bad day. This is so awesome. I'm finding some support through the Klonopin Klub,but I feel like I need to spend more time looking at successes like yours because I know that the hardest part of this withdrawal is yet to come. Thank you again for inspiring me.

Warmly,

Grace

[[Fl...]]

Hello Grace,

 

Thank you so much for the PERMA acronym reminder. I learned that about this time last year with the wellness coaching course I took, but it had left my mind. If I remember correctly, it is from positive psychology, specifically Martin Seligman. This is a most excellent thing to incorporate into our lives at any point. I especially like how you're  able to see that moments of awe and engagement in the present are the key elements. You are well on your way to engagement and meaning.

 

I remember now that they also found very small nodules on my thyroid. Apparently it wasn't serious or even worth further exploration. Hopefully neither are yours.

 

I am wishing you every accommodation on this journey ahead of you. This part you're in right now, this dark place, it doesn't let light in very well and often it's nearly impossible to see the larger picture. I'm impressed and hopeful for you that you can see it. Try not to allow self criticism. Try to just back burner all the negative things that might want to come up about yourself. Know that you are absolutely doing the best you can do at the moment and that you are healing. This takes a lot of energy. One day soon, you will look around with new eyes and see that the rest of the journey stretches out ahead of you with ease and appeal, not just struggle.

Holding space for you, Grace.

Flip

[[Ar...]]

I read your posts every time you answer one of us.  I thought I was healed last week and this weekend I have been hit with a horrible rebound.  I feel like I will not be able to continue.  I feel so isolated with this feeling.  My anxiety has peaked and I feel lost.  I am 10 months benzo free and have been doing my affirmations, exercising, no caffiene, no alcohol, trying to keep positive, but am so overwhelmed.  I just want to know that this will pass. I reread your success story to give me a window of hope.  Thank you again for all your kind words.  I wish the best for you.

[[Fl...]]

Rosie, 10 months is not a long time. I know it seems long when you're suffering.

 

I looked back on some old journal entries I made at ten months off and I wasn't doing very well back then. I had a lot of neurological symptoms, a lot of numbness and "offness" a lot of migraines and a lot of anxiety and despair. I was still very much in the weathering stage. I was doing more, like getting out to a support group, but it took a lot of effort and often I just sat there and didn't say anything.

 

I noticed one thing that helped me a lot during that time and that was watching videos that flooded me with hope. I think some endorphins must get released when we have hope. I was watching Brene Brown on YouTube and one thing led to another of course and led me to other motivating topics. It helped me just to let my mind turn off for a while and let my body relax and get away from the constant fear.

 

You are not alone in thinking that despite that fact that people generally do get better, there is something so wrong with you that you will be the one who doesn't. We all have felt that way. Keep in mind that you are gaining some skills right now, the coping skills that when this is done, you will have an amazing ability to navigate life. You seriously will not let those everyday miseries that everyone has bother you because what you have overcome is so much more, took so much more. You will find yourself living a life of purpose and conscious meaning and be ever go grateful for the opportunity. In some ways what we all go through is a type of gift. The hardship we endure makes a meaningful life on the other end non-negotiable.

 

Hope. It's free. Joy. Also free. Create some by whatever means is available to you for however long you can manage it, even if it's a minute at a time, five minutes at a time. Those emotions change your body's chemistry and help you heal. You'll know when you find it. We all make our own.

 

Also holding space for you, Rosie. Sacred, clear space.

Flip

[[Ar...]]

Thank you for your kind reply.  I will work on keeping hope in my heart and mind.  Wishing you the best. 

[[no...]]

*bump*

[[an...]]

bump

 

I come to read your success when I feel like I am that "one" that won't heal. I don't fully believe you that I will heal but just letting a little light into that crack helped me cry it out and get pissed at this lie in my brain that is stuck here right now.

 

I will do what you suggested and go watch Brene Brown.

 

I am about to graduate next year with a BS in Psychology and then I hope to pursue a MSW. I want to counsel people like us too. One at a time.

 

Thank you for writing this and surviving and giving me hope tonight.

 

[[sa...]]

Oh Snap, Flip!!!!Of course you are still writing the most amazing encouraging posts! The universe must has sprinkled you with extra wonderful. I just read your last post here to a fellow sufferer, incredible as always. I am not in withdrawal anymore and I was just encouraged reading it. You are such a wonderfully warm presence. I need to get back on and write around from time to time. No one knows it like someone who has been in it.

 

You sound so great, like your incredible self!

 

I probably should write on my post but I need to hit it tonight, its a hard job making the world all beautiful! lol. I love my job so much. I still get anxiety but I can manage it, using all the coping strategies I learned right here.

 

I will catch up soon, but I wanted to pop in and comment on how lovely your comments are...I haven't ever told you that though, right?

 

ha ha

 

Love you, Flipity dee!! So glad you are here for the newbies...One day there won't be a need for a forum like this, I hope. I was shocked to see it up to 22K members. Doubled in 3 years.

 

Flips, right if you are reading this and you need more confirmation (and don't be embarrassed that you need confirmation over and over, I think that is so normal in it, I did...) You will heal. Distraction and positivity as a distraction, eat good anyway, and rest if you can't sleep, walk a little bit even if you aren't sure you are up for it. Be gentle with yourself, get acquainted with mindful thinking even if you aren't a meditator...Because even in withdrawal, you can manage right now...your breathing right now.

 

(John Kabat Zinn)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O8eKQqcOkw

 

 

Be encouraged!

 

Love you Flippy!

xoxo

Sarah

[[sl...]]

Hi flip,

 

I am wondering at what point In your recovery that normal sleep returned?  For me, insomnia and relentless Hypnic jerks are my worst symptom.  I'm close to 9 months off and I'm currently averaging 4 hours of sleep.  It's an improvement from acute (couldn't sleep at all), but still suffering very horribly with the jerks that are relentless most nights.  I'm praying that insomnia and Hypnic jerks won't be debilitating beyond 18 months off!  Glad you are better and thank you for continuing to help others here. 

 

Jessica

[[Se...]]

A beautiful true story of battling benzos & alcohol addiction.

I've barely started my 1st taper in 3 yrs. I can relate to the multiple diagnoses & med merry-go-rounds.

In 2004 diagnosed with PTSD on top of general anxiety & depression I thought lorazepam was it! My cure! I was young in my 20's thinking this pill will help me maybe go to college. I had increased anxiety & some new anger issues which my then pdoc said I needed a dose increase.

I never heard of benzodiazepines until a cold turkey taper in 2012 landed me in the ER...my mind clicked. All crazy moods & memory loss made sense.

I drank too for a release some weekends or at my ex abusive boyfriend's...not a good combo with loraz. I didn't know & hated myself for not knowing the dangers to my brain.

I lost much life. Was suicidal off & on. Had a benzo rage.

When withdrawals began a few months ago without dose cuts I just knew my body was telling me I had to get off of benzos & Dr.'s told me I needed it for life.

I believed them after rapid tapers. I was afraid of withdrawals.

One Dr. said I needed a benzo to finish college.

I did graduate but my last half year was in a fog due to the updoses in 2013. The past 3 yrs I did not like who I was becoming. This is the time to get me back.

I am encouraged & have more hope from your experiences. Thanks for sharing! Peace.

[[Fl...]]

Ang1111 - good for you for wanting to give back! I hope you find Brene Brown's work as wonderful as I do. I love how authentic she is. Yes, you will heal like we all do and the trick is to keep believing that, being kind to yourself and trying to enjoy what you can in this process. I still to this day treasure the laughter I had among people here even when I felt like I just might die at any moment. I hope you have friends here that make you laugh. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Dipity! Wow it's been such a long time. You were one of those who used to make me laugh in the middle of the night! I wish you would come back and give an update on how you are. It means so much to people who are still wondering and they never ever get tired of reading a new story. You remember those days? I'm so happy to hear that you are loving your new work. I knew you would be a total natural at it! You are such an insightful, supportive person. Who wouldn't want to sit in your chair. Hey, Dip, I have a new favorite mindfulness guy. Check it out at iRest.org. It's pretty awesome! Much love to you Seripindipity Joy. I smile everytime I remember your lovely energy.

 

Sleepless - I suffered from that jerking awakening only for a short time in the very acute stages. I'm going to guess just a few weeks. Full sleep didn't return for a  couple of years, not that deep, sweet, stretchy, yawny sleep, but let me tell you, it was worth the wait! Remember that we are all different and don't compare your jerking symptoms to my lack of. That means nothing. We all heal in different ways at different speeds. Please hang in there!

 

SequinSoul - what a poignant name! You have definitely come to the right place to learn how to taper in a way that is sane. I'm so glad you have your degree and congrats on being able to make it through even in a fog. I will caution you that as you begin to lose the benzo, that might free up the space for emotion to rise. If you do have old wounds that have been sedated over, I would surely recommend some counseling as you go. It would be nice to find a counselor you feel compatible with and can trust,  and develop a therapeutic relationship with them. I had that privilege during much of my taper and afterward. I'm still learning just how much of a difference that made in keeping me sane. Go with care!

 

Everyone, thank you for being so patient. I'm not able to check in as often as I would like. I have one more pretty tough school year. I struggle just because it's all so new for me plus I've started an internship that is terrific but so energy draining while I go through the initial learning phase. Life remains wonderful and I'm feeling really good. I'm actually am off every med now, too, finally having tapered off the clonidine.

 

Best to everyone. Life is hard and it is beautiful. I'm so glad the beautiful is a little bit more than the hard!

❤️

Flip

[[B ...]]

Hi Flip,

Thanks for your story. I'm having a hard time,  like many,  trying to taper off of klonopin. Having a particularly rough day today, and read your post on ss. I have akathasia in addition to the other sxs, and am so tired. Glad you found your way through....seems impossible sometimes. We need to hear that people made it.

Thanks,

 

B strong

[[ih...]]

Love your work, Flip, you continue to be an inspiration.

 

The iRest link took me to a French site but had more luck with this one:-

 

https://www.irest.us/

 

It looks like another great resource.

 

The emojis no longer work on my apple devices so sending you love in words.