FLIP'S FREEDOM

[[...]]

I remember Lulu. Wouldn't have guessed you by your 'new' name!

[[Ca...]]

Hey Chinook

 

How have you been?  It was cold today. Brrr just when I thought it was spring.

 

Carol

[[Ch...]]

Flip, this is completely amazing! I am so thrilled for you, I really am.

 

I don't know if it's ok for me to post here as my problem is more SSRI related..I am having a terrible problem getting off SSRIs...although I've taken benzos on and off for the past few months and this may be contributing to the poisonous soup and withdrawal I am experiencing.

 

I haven't had a benzo for over two weeks.

 

Anyway, I come here and read the success stories and they help me immensely. A lot of the ssri withdrawal symptoms are very similar to the benzo ones and all these stories give me hope and keep me going to the finishing line.

 

Take care and enjoy your new life!

[[Fl...]]

Hi Chaffinch,

 

Thank you for being happy for me!

 

I never took SSRIs long term. Several have been tried but I think I didn't take anything long enough to matter. I will say, though, that taking a benzo "off and on" can really play havoc with your CNS. The fact that it's only been two weeks is telling. I'd be willing be bet many of your problems are from the benzos.

 

I hope you're finding some good direction here. You have certainly come to the right place to learn how to heal. It's a truly wonderful community.

 

Best to you,

Flip

[[pr...]]

Flip, this is completely amazing! I am so thrilled for you, I really am.

 

I don't know if it's ok for me to post here as my problem is more SSRI related..I am having a terrible problem getting off SSRIs...although I've taken benzos on and off for the past few months and this may be contributing to the poisonous soup and withdrawal I am experiencing.

 

I haven't had a benzo for over two weeks.

 

Anyway, I come here and read the success stories and they help me immensely. A lot of the ssri withdrawal symptoms are very similar to the benzo ones and all these stories give me hope and keep me going to the finishing line.

 

Take care and enjoy your new life!

 

i was just listening to Ian Singleton talking about how in some ways SSRI's are harder or take longer to heal from then the benzo's. let me see if i can find the link - here it is. but also taking the benzo's on and off even for a few months can also wreak havoc.

 

http://cepuk.org/withdrawal-advisers/

[[Fl...]]

Very interesting, Pretty. I'm glad you put that link up. I have a friend IRL who is really struggling with AD withdrawal. I'm sending her this link this morning. 

Thanks, Pretty,

Flip

[[pr...]]

Very interesting, Pretty. I'm glad you put that link up. I have a friend IRL who is really struggling with AD withdrawal. I'm sending her this link this morning. 

Thanks, Pretty,

Flip

 

you're welcome!

 

how have you been Flip?

[[Fl...]]

Doing well, Pretty. 

 

Maybe I've taken on too much, too soon with full time school. I don't seem to have the stress resilience I used to have. Now I have a built in monitor, though--I've noticed tinnitus ramps up when I overdo it.  Im using all the valuable tools I learned from benzo tapering to just keep moving forward. 

 

Flip

[[ru...]]

So wonderful to read your success story Flip. I am finally feeling like I am going to get there one day...I am now over 3 years off benzos and almost finished tapering off an anti-depressant (down to 2mg from 15) and while I still often feel not very good, I rarely feel very bad and often feel OK- and importantly, I'm living life normally....and everything that everyone else has ever said is true- it just takes time!

Very best wishes to you!

Ru

[[Fl...]]

That's GREAT news, Ruralie! The fact that you rarely feel very bad is some sort of miracle in itself, isn't it?

 

It takes considerable courage to live life normally even when you don't feel well. I think that may be a key for us at some point. Obviously, when we are in the thick of it, we simply can't live life normally, and we need to honor that. But I also think there comes a time when we have to take a step of faith, and just get back out there. The trick is not to do too much too soon.

 

This is a journey and we are on that journey. We have to keep moving forward AND we have to pull off at the rest areas when we need to.

Good for you, Ruralie. 

Flip

[[Py...]]

This is very ambitious and maybe even silly, considering I'm 59 and we have no money.

 

This isnt foolish.. You rock!!

[[Fl...]]

You're kind and actually timely, Pyoung. I was just having a bit of a meltdown this minute because I feel like an old dinosaur with technology. So your vote of confidence was helpful. I just have to remember why I'm doing this, right? 

 

Thank you!

 

Flip

[[Fr...]]

Hi Flip,

 

Ruralie's post made me think about how wonderful it must be to just be living life normally.  That may not appear good to most people but to us here, still struggling, it seems miraculous.

 

Someone mentioned this on a thread somewhere on the forum, but here it is again: how do our brains and bodies get over all the trauma from this struggle?  I just had two decent days and was so full of happiness, joy and love.  I even loved taking afternoon naps and didn't mind the fatigue because my body was at peace.  Then, last night, a wave came on really strong.  Pain, bladder flaring, head fog, etc, little sleep and today feeling awful.  Yesterday, as peaceful as it was, I still had panicky feelings about waves.  The mental trauma from this is extreme.  What happens to that?  How do we recover?

 

You seem to be fully recovered except for some depression.  Do you think the depression might be from trauma?

 

How is the school work going?

 

xo,

Lisa

[[Fl...]]

Hi Lisa Free,

 

I think this is like any trauma. There are steps to recovery. It important we choose our thoughts and attitudes wisely throughout or we can be overburdened with the feeling of loss. That can quickly turn to bitterness, which then robs us of even more time and life. It's a choice we make, each of us in our own way.

 

Where you are right now requires weathering and endurance, nothing else. It's all you can do. Don't do anything destructive, just weather. Find yourself an image that works for you. Mine is the cow with her tail end to the wind. I saw that a lot growing up, and so that image is very meaningful to me. Yours might be something different. I'd love it if you shared what works for you.

 

Rosa Parks said, "I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done diminishes fear." That, to me exhibits great courage while weathering. We know we have to go through this. Our state of mind while time passes is ever so important.

 

I'm not sure if what I have is depression or just overwhelm. School is entirely overwhelming right now as I move into the highly dense summer sessions. I'm having to learn Power Point (which I've never used) to do a presentation (which terrifies me). I'm having to break this down to one thing at a time. To the next right thing. Yesterday I went to my first ever Toastmaster meeting. I'm hoping this will desensitize me to my horrible and exaggerated fear of speaking in front of others. There was a day when I would have just walked away and said, "I can't". I feel that way daily, still, but,kind of like Ms Parks said, knowing what must be done diminishes the fear.

 

I'm also learning that a lot of precious energy is consumed by the fear. If I can just go into weathering mode and do what's in front of me, without over thinking it or obsessing, I have more energy for the task at hand.

 

Some of the dread you feel is simply still the changes in your brain from the benzo. That part gets better. It really does.

 

Wishing you the very best, Lisa. You can do this. It's a matter of time and letting go of fear.

Flip

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for reassuring me Flip.  That's so sweet of you.  Yes right now my mind has a hard time thinking outside the box.  I know that my thinking is influenced by the wd pain and suffering but will work on that symbol.  I'll have to think about it.

 

I wrote a long answer here but am copying and pasting it to your blog instead.

 

xo

Lisa

[[Fl...]]

I wanted to post a little update.

 

Things are still going well. I've noticed an improvement in my ability to grasp concepts and read more quickly with comprehension. Not too long ago I was really struggling with reading anything very complex. Suddenly, it's easier.

 

Conversations are getting easier, too. The internal tape that is self monitoring is just about gone. My shyness is about gone. I'm doing a lot better in classes, little church meetings, small groups, etc. when I have something to say, I can just say it with a fair amount of comfort. I don't have those long pauses, groping for words.

 

My math skills are coming back. The young lady I was tutoring in reading in the GED program asked for my help with simple algebra last week and I found the concepts comfortable. This is a relief! I thought that might be permanently gone. Apparently it isn't.

 

I'm in awe of how the body and brain do heal. Just keep moving along, everyone. It really does get better. Even though you think you are permanently damaged, you probably aren't.

 

Oh, and I slept a full 8 hours last night. Typically it has been 6. I was tired after a full day and went to bed early and slept peacefully, waking refreshed and thinking about the day ahead with the normal mix of I don't want to do that thing and do want to do the other thing like we all do. But there was no benzo horror at all.

 

Wishing everyone hope and the resilience to keep going.

Flip

[[Fr...]]

Hi Flip,

 

Thanks for coming back and posting your successes!  I'm so happy for you.  Your words bring me comfort and great hope.  Just the idea of having no internal anxiety and being able to sleep unhindered sounds like a dream.

 

I'm having trouble with internal anxiety (not emotional) lately and it's quite unpleasant.  Can't wait to be done with all this.

 

Lisa

[[la...]]

I wanted to post a little update.

 

Things are still going well. I've noticed an improvement in my ability to grasp concepts and read more quickly with comprehension. Not too long ago I was really struggling with reading anything very complex. Suddenly, it's easier.

 

Conversations are getting easier, too. The internal tape that is self monitoring is just about gone. My shyness is about gone. I'm doing a lot better in classes, little church meetings, small groups, etc. when I have something to say, I can just say it with a fair amount of comfort. I don't have those long pauses, groping for words.

 

My math skills are coming back. The young lady I was tutoring in reading in the GED program asked for my help with simple algebra last week and I found the concepts comfortable. This is a relief! I thought that might be permanently gone. Apparently it isn't.

 

I'm in awe of how the body and brain do heal. Just keep moving along, everyone. It really does get better. Even though you think you are permanently damaged, you probably aren't.

 

Oh, and I slept a full 8 hours last night. Typically it has been 6. I was tired after a full day and went to bed early and slept peacefully, waking refreshed and thinking about the day ahead with the normal mix of I don't want to do that thing and do want to do the other thing like we all do. But there was no benzo horror at all.

 

Wishing everyone hope and the resilience to keep going.

Flip

 

I'm so happy to read this Flip. And yes we do heal, it takes time and lots of patience but we heal!!

 

Love and hugs

Laura

[[Fl...]]

Lisa and Laura 

 

We do heal. We are never the same. I think it's a tiny bit like what cancer survivors must feel. We thought our lives were over, then we get a glimpse of health, and we are so appreciative. There is a holiness to the everyday things of life that wasn't there before. I realize how lucky I am; there are many out there who will finish their lives still fogged up with benzos. We are the ones who have escaped. The glass, the mirror is clearing of the fog, and we are beginning to see clearly.

 

Somedays I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that it doesn't have to be this way and how incredibly cheated I feel when I perceive time as lost. Other times, I want to kneel and kiss the ground with unspeakable gratitude.

 

We are changed. We have been given a gift. I feel this need to cut the cake into many pieces and share it all around. I feel the need to mourn for a heartbeat, and then to get on about the living of life with meaning and passion until the very last breath.

Flip

[[Fr...]]

Dear Flip,

 

Your gratitude comes through not only in your words, but in the tone of everything you post.  I can understand it well, especially when in a window like yesterday and today.  I was overwhelmed with joy yesterday and in awe of life.  Just having a sleepy feeling in the late afternoon and evening was heavenly.

 

For the first time in what seems like forever, Mr. Free and I were able to meet up with some new friends in our new town (we moved to A2, MI in February while I was feeling quite ill), have lunch, walk around, give them a house tour, see their house, etc.  It was amazing.  It's not only great for me but for him too - hubby has been with me all the way and has missed our life as well.

 

It's funny how you mentioned about not being shy anymore.  I'm not either!!!  This really is a blessing - we've been given our health back and way way more.

 

It sounds like school is going great as well as Toastmasters.  You're a marvel Flip.  Thanks for all you do for the rest of us.

 

xo,

Lisa

[[ca...]]

"Somedays I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that it doesn't have to be this way and how incredibly cheated I feel when I perceive time as lost. Other times, I want to kneel and kiss the ground with unspeakable gratitude."

 

It's great to read that you continue to heal.

I am not as lucky and I am still suffering...I can only see this as some sort of prison sentence for some unknown crime I committed.

I too hope to heal one day...but my hope is diluted right now.

 

Do you think that as most that have come back a long time later have stated that feeling of being cheated also goes away?

I hope it all goes away..as I sit here looking at my scarred body that i barely recognize.

 

Thanks for continuing to be a presence on BB.

 

Causing

 

[[Fl...]]

Lisa Free, it is so incredibly wonderful to hear you've been having some normal and beyond normal moments. I'm sure Mr Free is so happy whether he truly understands or not.

 

Just don't be surprised or dismayed if you go backward for a while. Sometimes that happens to us. It happened to me. But that taste of wonderful was enough to give me the hope and fortitude to keep moving forward.

 

I think the shyness going away is part that our brain chemistry has settled down and part that we have been through so much that normal feelings of inadequacy or not making the right impression just don't matter anymore. We know who we are now and it is enough. We are enough. 

 

Causing - I know you still suffer and I'm so sad for you. You were unfortunate in that you did a CT, if I remember right. Anecdotally, it simply takes longer to recover from a CT. Remember PJ? He recovered fully at 15 months. Remember Stillbelieving? She recovered at about 30 months. I'm certain both of them are so grateful to have life back that they don't spend much time mourning the lost years. I can't speak for PJ, but I've exchanged some very long, frightened messages with Stillbelieving. She felt hopeless and angry.

 

One thing this is not, Causing -- it's not a positive thinking, Pollyanna attitude. It comes from experiencing the most indescribable  and profound joy the first time you feel well in your body, colors are brighter, the air is sweeter, the sunlight feels like pure gift on your skin, and you have a bubbling up of energy. That is what keeps me moving forward even when I'm I'm not feeling that. I know it's possible. Most of the time I feel like a 60 year old woman who is struggling mightily with the logistics of returning to school while trying to juggle the needs of a 93 year old mother. I feel inept, dumbed down, behind on technology, and like I need to work twice as hard as everyone else. I feel left out of the loop and like over a decade slipped by while I was sick. This is the point where I have to make a decision where my attitude is concerned. Believe me when I say were it not for that joy I talk about  I would be embittered.

 

I don't plan on just forgetting. I'm doing my capstone project on how benzos are prescribed in this country and other countries. When Im licensed, I'm going to carve out a niche of working with people who are trying to get out of their benzo hell. I won't be able to tell them how to taper as that would be practicing medicine without a license. I'm sure I'll be sending people right here in the years to come. What I can do is go to the dark places with them because I have been there. I know the hopelessness. I know how it feels to read success stories and think that just isn't for me because Im worse than everyone else -- just like you probably feel right now. I hope to make a difference.

 

You will get there, Causing. One day, probably when you're outside doing something with a plant or just sitting in the sun, you will have a shift and you will see the beauty I'm talking about. It might be just for a few minutes. It might be for a day. But you will know it and it will sustain you.

 

Do me a favor and come right back here when that happens and let me know, OK? I can't think of anything that would give me more pleasure. In the meantime, weather this, take care of your body as much as is possible. Lose the sugar, artificial everything and processed foods (if you are having any) Treat your body like the temple it is. Give it every chance to fight. I'm very sold on my diet as you know. I think it is a very large contributing factor to my continued healing.

 

Hang in there, Causing. You've come a long way. It's hard to remember sometimes.

Flip

[[ca...]]

Thanks Flip, I promise to come back the second that happens...and let you know.

Love and healing,

Causing

[[pr...]]

thank you Flip!

 

i've been feeling the way Causing has been feeling. even though i have had just a little tiny shift in my symptoms and very little improvement. i am aware that i have but still suffering so...

 

pretty

[[St...]]

Hello my dear Flip,

 

Long time since we last chatted or I posted.  I thought I would check out your site tonight.  You are correct I'm not on here much anymore.  I am out living life to the fullest.  I am just getting back from a 2 week camping trip with my husband to MI.  Prior to that I had a graduation party for my middle son who just graduated from college and is heading to med school in Aug. I hadn't been able to have any of my children's graduation parties from high school, one of my sisters had them. Last year I had my oldest son's graduation party from college, not at our home but at my kids' house and my sister bought and planned the food. This year I had it at our house and was able to plan the food and decorating. 

 

I am feeling really well.  Most days I am sx free.  I am 33 months out of my c/t.  If I get overly tired I do get some very mild vibrations, and I mean mild.  This only happens when I do things like over garden - I spread 28 bags of mulch all by myself this Spring - kind of over did it there ha ha. It just felt so good to be alive and gardening after more than 10 years of no planting flowers. If the vibrations come I usually hit the couch, drink some of my homemade broth and just read for the day. By the next day after sleeping they are gone. They don't set panic nor fear anymore, just take it as a notice I need to rest.

 

I am being very careful of my eating clean. I had gone out to eat at a Red Lobster back a month ago and got hit hard within a half hour. It took me almost a week for all my sxs to go away, with each day they got less. I had just let my guard down and not watched eating out. I haven't had a smidgen of MSG since then and not gotten in that state since. I had MSG trouble prior to benzos and will always have to watch it.

 

You were correct in telling Causing about my feeling hopeless and angry. I had it at your stage Causing for sure.  The hopeless is gone - I am like you Flip, down on my knees appreciative to my health and life back.  The anger is gone - can't waste my energy on what is in the past.  I do have times when I'm sad and I cry and mourn my loss.  I lost almost 16 years of various amounts with my family while on benzos and then the first 2 years after I c/t.  What I lost can't be changed but I sure am spending sooooo much time with my 3 young adult children now. The kids see the difference in me and as my 20 year old daughter said not long ago "It is nice to get to know my real mom."  I went on xanax when she was 25 months old for Post Partum PMS - after I weaned her at 23 months.  I tried to get off within my first year, c/t back then by a dr but reinstated within a week or so only to start the being sick for the next almost 15 years after that.

 

I haven't felt this well in 18 years.  I have energy to do most things I want. Yes I do get tired and no I don't have the stamina that I had 18 years ago, but I am getting more gradually.

 

I know the joy you speak of Flip.  I have felt it many times in the past few months especially. I catch myself singing Zip A Dee Doo Dah while walking through the grocery store, enjoying being in the grocery store where while on benzos I would have panic attacks going there so I quit shopping for years. Now I just go and hope I run into someone I know - I enjoy seeing people again.  I smile and laugh a lot these days, for no reason - I'm just happy.  I cry with joy also - visiting with my in laws up in MI - I teared up when I realized how much I missed out on nieces and nephews growing up but so thankful that the in laws understand what happened to me and support me and love me back into their lives. The joy is so great and beautiful - as I told my mother in law it is as though I'm waking back up and able to feel the love.

 

I remember when I was able to take my first deep breath at around 7 months - it was such a refreshing feeling - it changed me in a way I'll not forget.  I remember truly laughing, I laughed so hard I wet my pants while standing out in a parking lot.  I didn't get upset for I was so thankful that I could laugh again, embarrassed yes but over joyed on laughing. That was almost around 1 year out.  I have come sooooo far since then. It is just unbelievable how the body and brain do heal.

 

My body is my temple.  I cherish my body.  I'm selfish for my needs.  I wake each morning and go sit on my porch and pray. Even in the cold I wrap up and go outside and pray. I just need to be outside to make my connection.  I love my mornings - where I use to dread waking up and thinking oh no I have to do it all over again. Now I can snuggle down and enjoy waking up slowly and stretching and just going at my chosen speed - not the horrid adrenaline rush jumping out of bed at 6 am even though I hadn't gone to sleep until 5 am - those days are long gone.  As you mentioned and I stated earlier I eat so very clean. I don't eat anything processed, gone is the sugar, no perservetatives.  I start each breakfast with eggs, fish, avocado and little fruit. I crave my fish and eggs for starting my day. Never thought I would be that way but love that combo. I look at my food as my healing force = what we take in supplies us with fuel for healing our nervous system. I have seen a great difference since I went to a clean diet almost a year ago. I won't ever go back to eating my old ways.  Rest - I sit and rest when needed.  I sleep listening to music that has sound waves for sleep. It makes a difference to me, I use sleep headphones that are comfortable. I don't have to use the music nightly now, but did for many months. And use it if I have any trouble, I may have one night where I don't sleep well, but I don't have two in a row due to I'll turn the music back on the next night.  Last exercise = walk - I do much better if I walk. Even if I don't go for a walk, I park the car blocks away from an appointment location and walk. I park at the end of the parking lot and walk. Yes the walks in the park make me feel really good, but even getting any walking in makes a difference to me.  I drink water, water and more water.  EFT = I swear by tapping. As you know you introduced me to tapping Flip and I took right to it. A year ago I went to the 3 day workshop and haven't stopped since then. I still practice it faithfully. As prayer and tapping are both meditating to me - important in my healing. Yes my body is my temple and I love me.

 

Causing I was where you are at one time, and you must believe healing will happen. C/t people heal also. I am to tell you absolutely I am so close to writing my final success story. I wrote one at around 2 years out, I thought I felt good then, but I'm so much stronger and healthier now. I messed up at 2 years out and went on a bunch of supplements. I took things that messed with my adrenaline glands, and endocrine system plus regular vitamins. It threw me for quite a while but I am beyond that now.

 

I don't imagine I'll forget either. As I stated earlier, I have a son starting med school in Aug. I am giving him a picture the day he has his white coat ceremony in Aug of a picture of 2 quart size zip lock bags of prescription meds that my husband poured my bottles into and took to the Sheriff department for the incinerator. He took a total of 4 quart size bags full of my prescribed poison. I took a picture of the last two bags.  I am going to take that picture and frame it for my son to have as a reminder of what we went through, he can practice his medical profession differently than I had done to me.  I am making him a folder of Benzo articles to have on hand with websites to go to for the real facts and reality of this medicine so he will have it when he starts studying medications.  I have to believe that he will be a different breed of a dr due to what we lived through these past 18 years.  No I won't forget it, I won't let it make me a bitter person for I feel that would be letting the benzo have the last word.  I am happy and positive and I remember and will move forward working some way to let others know the truth of benzos. Contacting my newpapers to see if they will run the story that was written in the Bend OR paper is one way I can put my energy.  I hope everyone on BB would contact a newspaper and ask them to run that story. If you don't know what I'm referring to here is the site, it is an excellent article very well written.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=108863.0

 

It was good to see you are doing so well Flip.  I'm so proud and happy for you.  I know it isn't easy to do the schooling but you are determined and driven and will be a fantastic counselor.

 

I think of you so often. I froze 4 containers of chicken vegetable soup today. You got me started on making the broth and soup last year. I still go to my broth on my off days, don't need it as often as I use to but definitely keep it on hand in the freezer just in case of needing it.

 

Life is good. I'm socializing more, seeing people I hadn't seen in 10 years and feeling comfortable and enjoying it.  We have company at the house - I had my kids here both days this weekend and they had friends over and a nephew stopped by. This just wasn't our house before, or if friends came over they didn't come in to the house, let alone did I fix dinner for them. Now I go out and visit and invite them in. I love talking to people again.

 

I know I'm not through healing and I'm excited at how far I will be next year. If I feel this well and good now, I can't wait to see what a year from now will be.  I know the same will be with you.

 

lots of love,

Sweets