How do I reinstate?

[[os...]]

Fruss, some of us have put in a bloody good fight to get off these drugs, I am not throwing in the towel yet but even Ashton states that long term users should not be forced to withdraw... this is not the same as alcohol... i never sought a high on Librium... ironically I wanted off partially to fit into AA but getting off the pills has rendered me unable to even leave the house let alone attend AA meetings, it's like some sick joke that is no longer even funny.

 

If anyone has to reinstate, I am sure it will be a very well thought out decision... it's not worth dying trying to get off this stuff, I was possibly on it too many years to ever really get off, it's quite possible that i may just quit trying... after 29 months at this and no end in sight, that's years and years of my life and I have to ask myself is this really ever going to be worth it? I will never get back the last 29 months, not ever and that is more likely to turn into 6 years or even more.

 

I want my life back.

[[Mo...]]

So many people here are out of their bloody minds!! Islandgirl I feel for you and I'm so sorry you are suffering so bad. I hope that you can find peace.   

 

Oscar, you are beyond insane!! You are choosing to keep suffering by taking 6 more years to come off 2.9 mg of valium!! That's the most fecked up thing I have ever heard in my life!!

 

Gussy, Xana et al, I will just shut up!

[[Co...]]

You know, we are all different. Until now I would never have known what a fight for my life this would be. I went through a blistering taper from klonopin and just assumed (wrongly) that when I went off the drug that the w/d would be over. I have learned a lot. I am 5 months out and still on a small dose of valium and sick. I went out for a few hours tonight--the first time in months. You start to forget what a normal life is like. I feel cruddy right now but I actually went somewhere. I know I am profoundly bitter that this has happened to me but I can tell you that I do believe that I will be well. I have to believe it. I have lost so much during the last year but I will not lose the battle to get better. I get really scared that this will take years and I get so down in the dumps. I have had 1 window in 11 months. Tonight I was less sick for a few hours. It gives me hope that there will be an end to this.

[[os...]]

 

Oscar, you are beyond insane!! You are choosing to keep suffering by taking 6 more years to come off 2.9 mg of valium!! That's the most fecked up thing I have ever heard in my life!!

 

 

Morechocolate:

 

It is insane... of course it is insane, don't you think I know just how insane that is? Of course I do... Why do I think it will take that long?

 

Well, in my withdrawal, if I have ever even slightly over tapered, I have had complete terror... like the air is thick with it, like I am immersed in it and it is terrifying... I get craving and can barely function at all... then there is the panic attacks that literally make me think I am losing my mind completely, followed by morning adrenaline rushes that are so intense I am literally petrified to go to sleep at night... OR there are the other times when I have woken to extreme body vibrations in my legs and speading to my arms, tics in my arms and face and palpitations that make me feel my heart is just going far to hard and fast... and more dread ad fear...

 

These are all the kind of symptoms people describe that are earlier off after jumping from a high-ish dose... yet I have had these symptoms poke through whilst tapering slowly... so how the HELL would I feel if I increased my cuts?

 

Seriously, without word of a lie, I would more than likely want to end it all... I can't taper living like that, the ONLY alternative is to taper so very slowly... even Ashton states that some get severe symptoms even with a very gradual reduction... well i do and so tapering faster and/or jumping would probably make me go completely insane with fear and all the rest of it...

 

I might add that there are people on the protracted boards that have been sick for years... if it is taking me this long to taper, what's to say my healing rate would not be the same if I jumped tomorrow? What if I were constantly sick for the next 5 years?

 

There was an Australian neurologist that told a BB member here that some (few) can taper in 1-2 years but a small number need to take as long as 6 years...

 

I may end up having to make bigger cuts but I swear, if I do make a bigger cut and I cannot get stable after a month, I'll never get off this junk...

 

It is insane I know but at my worst panic episode, I was fearful of my own safety, I was that out of it and I am not going to do something stupid just to get off a prescription drug... I just won't risk it... and you know what I am talking about.

 

I take this withdrawal seriously because when it is bad it is terrible.

[[Mo...]]

Believe me, I felt everything you just listed. EVERYTHING!! It was pure hell, but I healed. It wasn't until I jumped that I began to heal. If I can go through that torture as a single mom, surely you can. Women are so much stronger than men!! It's not easy, it's pure hell, but it passes. I jumped at 5mg!!

[[Ma...]]

Im sorry Oscar, I haven't been following you so forgive me for asking.... have you ever tried upping the rate of withdrawal for a significant period of time, like a few months? The reason I ask is that I was in a terrible state cutting slowly, terrible, not sleeping, mind bending pain, panic attacks that had me literally bouncing off walls, I thought if I sped up it would get worse but magically, not only did it not, I regained functioning within a month and within less than two was able to go home to see me family, just a quick visit, but still, amazing. I started cutting really fast because my doctor insisted, I thought he would kill me, but the opposite ended up being true. I have noted a number of people who have had a similar experience. I know we've seen each other around, I think I remember you from a thread way back where I proposed this and I'm not looking for any trouble  (kidding)... just wondering is all.

m

 

 

[[os...]]

Believe me, I felt everything you just listed. EVERYTHING!! It was pure hell, but I healed. It wasn't until I jumped that I began to heal. If I can go through that torture as a single mom, surely you can. Women are so much stronger than men!! It's not easy, it's pure hell, but it passes. I jumped at 5mg!!

 

How long does the insane terror, monophobia, panic and vibration last? I admit, I see CT people living again after a period of 2-3 months... but how the heck does one get through that day in and day out? I already lost so much weight.

 

Maybe I will have to do this faster and just pray I don't die.

[[os...]]

Im sorry Oscar, I haven't been following you so forgive me for asking.... have you ever tried upping the rate of withdrawal for a significant period of time, like a few months? The reason I ask is that I was in a terrible state cutting slowly, terrible, not sleeping, mind bending pain, panic attacks that had me literally bouncing off walls, I thought if I sped up it would get worse but magically, not only did it not, I regained functioning within a month and within less than two was able to go home to see me family, just a quick visit, but still, amazing. I started cutting really fast because my doctor insisted, I thought he would kill me, but the opposite ended up being true. I have noted a number of people who have had a similar experience. I know we've seen each other around, I think I remember you from a thread way back where I proposed this and I'm not looking for any trouble  (kidding)... just wondering is all.

m

 

Marina, I think I am going to have to do it that way... I am terrified though, absolutely terrified.  :'(

[[Mo...]]

Oscar, I felt that constant terror and vibrations, dizziness, deep, dark depression, DP/dr, extreme panic, etc.., etc....  My entire taper and for 6 weeks non-stop after jumping. After that, I had huge windows for weeks and waves for weeks. I haven't had a wave in 2 months. I believe I am healed.  It gets better and time really does pass quickly. The more I distracted, the easier it was. I spent hours in bed, hiding in fear. I was terrified and had no idea what I was afraid of. It was a fear deep in my stomach. I have hundreds of emails I sent my psychologist showing how much I suffered. I healed! Feels like a bad dream now.

[[os...]]

Jumping at 5 mg... wow... that must be insanely hard... I can't imagine that at all... well I can actually... 

[[os...]]

Oscar, I felt that constant terror and vibrations, dizziness, deep, dark depression, DP/dr, extreme panic, etc.., etc....  My entire taper and for 6 weeks non-stop after jumping. After that, I had huge windows for weeks and waves for weeks. I haven't had a wave in 2 months. I believe I am healed.  It gets better and time really does pass quickly. The more I distracted, the easier it was. I spent hours in bed, hiding in fear. I was terrified and had no idea what I was afraid of. It was a fear deep in my stomach. I have hundreds of emails I sent my psychologist showing how much I suffered. I healed! Feels like a bad dream now.

 

Could you eat? How did you function? Were you psychotic at all ever?

[[os...]]

 

I can't imagine weeks and weeks of terror... I don't know how I would ever do it.

[[Mo...]]

I could not eat while tapering. The nausea was awful too! I was buying Boost to try and get nutrients. I lost a lot of weight. A few weeks after jumping, I started to eat again. I was completely psychotic!! Nobody can imagine what we go through unless they go through it. I have a wonderful psychologist who walked beside me through this process. She taught me to go through it.

[[Mo...]]

I have to go to bed because I am working in the morning. Feel free to message me. You don't need to keep suffering like this. You say you couldn't handle being terrified for weeks, but you already are.

 

I will write my success story soon. I may even copy some of my emails and responses from my psychologist. She is a brilliant woman who saved my life.

[[Ma...]]

I couldn't eat either. I would forget to even drink. I was too psychotic to prepare food, do dishes or laundry. I was too exhausted to walk, was in so much screaming pain, I couldn't sleep and was averaging 1.5 hours of sleep a night. When my doc wanted me off, I thought I wouldn't make it, but not until I started to chop away at it did my functioning return. I was backed into a corner, doubt I would have chosen it on my own, but it saved me.

[[Is...]]

Monday at 4am I took 2.5 mg of valium. I finally got some rest after 9 months of no calm, no rest, no sleep. Others sxs are less too. Bottom line I can manage the current pain and sxs.

 

I took no benzo on Tuesday,  I want to wait until my akathisia gets worse before I take my next dose.  My pdoc wants me to take a steady dose every day until I stablize, hold for a while until detox cocktail sxs lesson, then slow taper. Why would I want to add a benzo to my body dailey when I can manage loger than that.  Seems to me the less benzo in my body the better. Less poison to recover from.

 

Which way is the best option? Dailey dose or as needed?

 

Love you all  IslandGirl 

 

 

 

[[...]]

 

Oscar, you are beyond insane!! You are choosing to keep suffering by taking 6 more years to come off 2.9 mg of valium!! That's the most fecked up thing I have ever heard in my life!!

 

 

Morechocolate:

 

It is insane... of course it is insane, don't you think I know just how insane that is? Of course I do... Why do I think it will take that long?

 

Well, in my withdrawal, if I have ever even slightly over tapered, I have had complete terror... like the air is thick with it, like I am immersed in it and it is terrifying... I get craving and can barely function at all... then there is the panic attacks that literally make me think I am losing my mind completely, followed by morning adrenaline rushes that are so intense I am literally petrified to go to sleep at night... OR there are the other times when I have woken to extreme body vibrations in my legs and speading to my arms, tics in my arms and face and palpitations that make me feel my heart is just going far to hard and fast... and more dread ad fear...

 

These are all the kind of symptoms people describe that are earlier off after jumping from a high-ish dose... yet I have had these symptoms poke through whilst tapering slowly... so how the HELL would I feel if I increased my cuts?

 

Seriously, without word of a lie, I would more than likely want to end it all... I can't taper living like that, the ONLY alternative is to taper so very slowly... even Ashton states that some get severe symptoms even with a very gradual reduction... well i do and so tapering faster and/or jumping would probably make me go completely insane with fear and all the rest of it...

 

I might add that there are people on the protracted boards that have been sick for years... if it is taking me this long to taper, what's to say my healing rate would not be the same if I jumped tomorrow? What if I were constantly sick for the next 5 years?

 

There was an Australian neurologist that told a BB member here that some (few) can taper in 1-2 years but a small number need to take as long as 6 years...

 

I may end up having to make bigger cuts but I swear, if I do make a bigger cut and I cannot get stable after a month, I'll never get off this junk...

 

It is insane I know but at my worst panic episode, I was fearful of my own safety, I was that out of it and I am not going to do something stupid just to get off a prescription drug... I just won't risk it... and you know what I am talking about.

 

I take this withdrawal seriously because when it is bad it is terrible.

 

Oscar,

Did you try any other meds/drugs/supplements for relief during the taper or recently?  Just curious...  It seems like once someone hits the tolerance withdrawal they have to up the dose or change to another benzo to feel 90% normal.  It looks like you are hanging on feeling a consistent "bad" the whole time.  If I were to do it over, once I was debilitated I would've switched to another benzo and tried to stabilize, but then there is the unknown.  What you be worse once you jump off or would you start feeling better?  It's 50/50 and no one knows the answer because we see some successful reinstatements while others don't offer any relief. 

[[sp...]]

Hey Oscar,

 

for what it's worth -- I was never stable again once I got under 3.5mg. Didn't matter how slow I went. Things stayed crappy until I'd been off entirely for a month or so.

 

I'm not telling you that you should go faster; it's up to you. I'm pretty convinced that I didn't do myself any favors by going as slow as I did at the end there. It seems possible that you could be in the same boat.

[[Di...]]

Monday at 4am I took 2.5 mg of valium. I finally got some rest after 9 months of no calm, no rest, no sleep. Others sxs are less too. Bottom line I can manage the current pain and sxs.

 

I took no benzo on Tuesday,  I want to wait until my akathisia gets worse before I take my next dose.  My pdoc wants me to take a steady dose every day until I stablize, hold for a while until detox cocktail sxs lesson, then slow taper. Why would I want to add a benzo to my body dailey when I can manage loger than that.  Seems to me the less benzo in my body the better. Less poison to recover from.

 

Which way is the best option? Dailey dose or as needed?

 

Love you all  IslandGirl 

 

 

Hi IG - I'll start by saying that I have no experience whatsoever with reinstating, but this is my thinking on your situation.

 

You have found that the 2.5mg has stabilised you somewhat. So that's great. If I was you, and seeing as you have already come this far, I would just do the "as required" for a little while and see how things go. Why jump into the fire of taking benzos every day again if you don't have to? Then over a period of time you could try to reduce this "as required" amount and see what happens.

 

If you find that this "as required" thing isn't working, maybe then you could try going the daily option. The good news is that if the 2.5mg daily does stabilise you, it's not a huge dose to have to taper from. You could easily do that over a period of months.

[[Be...]]

Island, Im so glad you got some relief..

I think you should follow your Dr.s program..

if you're going to reinstate.. you have to stabilize..

taking the meds just when you start feeling bad is only going to cause you to go into inter-dose withdrawals and/or some kind of tolerance, both of which will just add more to your current SXS's..

from what Ive read and learned you always need to find a somewhat stable place before you start tapering again, if its possible..

Im just glad you're feeling a little better..

Wish you the best..

[[ih...]]

Glad you have had some relief, IG.

 

Towards the end of my taper, (I jumped at 0.5mg), I would extend out dosing based on sx & probably because of valium's long half life, I could get reasonably rapid relief from sx once they started, by redosing. It will be great if you can get by with "as needed."

[[Sm...]]

Island, Im so glad you got some relief..

I think you should follow your Dr.s program..

if you're going to reinstate.. you have to stabilize..

taking the meds just when you start feeling bad is only going to cause you to go into inter-dose withdrawals and/or some kind of tolerance, both of which will just add more to your current SXS's..

from what Ive read and learned you always need to find a somewhat stable place before you start tapering again, if its possible..

Im just glad you're feeling a little better..

Wish you the best..

 

Very glad you're feeling better IG

DPs advice sounds good. But on the other hand I agree with Benzy (above). The point of reinstatement is to get to a point where you are stable - your brain and CNS isn't screaming for the stuff anymore - and then you can come down hopefully without your brain & CNS re-starting its scream. If you keep it hanging out for the stuff I worry like Benzy that the w/ds will just continue to grow again.

Both bits of advice are good for different reasons so the choice will have to be yours. Take care x

[[Fl...]]

Believe me, I felt everything you just listed. EVERYTHING!! It was pure hell, but I healed. It wasn't until I jumped that I began to heal. If I can go through that torture as a single mom, surely you can. Women are so much stronger than men!! It's not easy, it's pure hell, but it passes. I jumped at 5mg!!

 

Morechocolate, I have warned you about this before. Sexist comments have no place on benzobuddies.

 

Here are a couple of forum rules that are applicable:

 

• Do not denigrate specific religions, ethnicity or culture.  We are a support group for all those experiencing problems with benzodiazepine use or withdrawal - this is our common bond. We do not condone prejudice in any form.
   
  
• Be polite towards, and respectful of, your fellow Buddies. We do not tolerate attacks upon fellow members. Any account created for the purposes of causing arguments and/or ill-feeling, will be banned.
  

 

 

[[Zi...]]

island  girl, I had to reinstate 6 months ago after a year and a half of hell. please, no matter what, don't let anyone tie you grief for your decision.

There is a line , be it very fine between a physical  and a mental addiction.

I started with reversing my last taper, gave it a while and then had to reverse the taper before.

[[Zi...]]

I too am considering reinstatement and exactly how to go about it. Off for just over 4 months and too sick and non functional to take it any more. However I really have done enough research to suggest that some people will need to reinstate for life. Coming off benzo's is just not possible for everyone. Some will be so sick for years, possibily the rest of their lives. If your still sick after that long surely its time to realize you are one of those that needs to be on benzo's for life. Reinstating with the view to taper slowly makes no sense at all. You were already off it for a long time and proved you can't live without it! Thats nothing to be ashamed of. A diabetic needs to take insulin in the same way.

 

IG, the do gooders here will have you believe that everyone can recover from benzo's but the truth is different, sadly. I've known of many, many people who literally years after ceasing benzo use had to reinstate, for good, because life off benzo's was such a living hell. After reinstating they were suddenly 90% better. I'm convinced benzo's do something permanent to your brain if your unlucky. I know I'm one. In that case you need to go back on for life for some quality of life or battle out the rest of your life in abject misery for the sake of an ideal. Life is too short.

.  I agree 100%