problems after w/d from benzo's

[[st...]]

Hi skooter,

 

Why would you want to c/t?  If you can't find a doc to give you the Valium then you will have to taper off the Klono.  Keep plugging away and you will stabilize somewhat before your next cut.

 

Patty  xo

[[sk...]]

 

I have a ? for boxerman and Lori hoping you both read this. I am wondering how long the excruciating squeezing of the entire ribcage into the back area and spine lasts/lasted with you both as only you 2 seem to have answered me when I asked about these s/x. I've read many others s/x of w/d and can't seem to find anybody else that suffers with these awful feelings that are so unexplainable and no one can understand them. I find they intensify after a few hrs after I've taken my dose of clonazapam which is causing me to have a hard time to taper. I'm not sure if you both will see this and am still trying to figure this out so may try and pm both of you if that's ok.

 

I hope you are both feeling better and thanks again for all of your help

[[Lo...]]

Hey skooter,

The first time (which was the worst) that I got the squeezing feelings under my ribs (stomach/intestines), it lasted for about 3 weeks. It would come and go during that time, and seemed worse at night and when I laid down. Also, it was worse after eating as well. This all took place after I was benzo free. I am having a wave of this right now. It's no where near as bad as that first time, so I know that it will continue to get better and not last as long. Yours may continue coming and going until after you are off the benzo and healed. It was part of your withdrawal symptoms from doing the cold turkey, so now that you reinstated and the drug is in your body again, this might be one of the symptoms that you experience more than any of the others (we all have symptoms that we are more prone to). It's impossible to know these things for sure when it comes to benzos. Your GABA receptors are out of whack; after doing a cold turkey, updosing here and there, and reinstating, they are confused so to speak. I know it is uncomfortable and scary, but it will stop eventually. That's one thing that we can all be sure of.

 

Lori

[[sk...]]

 

Hi again Lori,

 

I am so sorry you are still having these gripping pains of the squeezing still happening. I think along with the numbness and stinging/tingling that the excruciating squeezing of the entire torso bones are the worst as it feels as though you are laying on crates of steel when trying to go to sleep, or when on my stomach the feeling is of concrete blocks laying on my back. Also while standing up it also feels as though these blocks are hanging from my shoulders continuously pulling down on my shoulders and criss crossing throughout my back as if elastic bands are going back and forth just like being tied up like a pair of skates. This is the only way I can describe and is so very uncomfortable as you may well know.

 

I do hope you are getting better with these feelings with more and more windows and thank you again for your wonderful help to me and all of us others in need through these trying times

[[Lo...]]

Hey skooter,

You really do describe these feelings really well. They can be intense and unless someone has experienced them, it is hard to understand. I think it has something to do with the muscles and/or the nerves in the muscles. That's the best I can guess. Hope the intensity of these pass for you as you continue with your taper. Like I said, mine are no where near as bad as they were. In fact, when I had them in the beginning, I also had the feeling in my head like someone was pushing me down to the ground. You don't have that as well, do you?

 

Everyone experiences some type of withdrawals, either when tapering or post benzos or both. Just know, a slower taper will less likely cause as severe withdrawals that you experienced with your cold turkey. Try to stay positive that all of this WILL eventually be a distant memory.

 

Lori

[[bo...]]

HI Skooter-Just saw your post and I guess I''ll put in my two cents-The squeezing your talking about is obviously from the benzos-When I went ct from xanax the gut spasms as i call them started intensely about a month into it-I had it initially but it would go away-then as i said about a month into it  they came and i do mean came-I basically had them 24 hrs a day for about three months even though I reinstated on xanax-Remember now I was an absolute basket case wrapped around my wife's leg crying"i'm dying"-I hadn't a clue as to what was going on-I had more physical symptoms than I knew what to do with-my major problem is that I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me or why and no one including my doctor or a crisis center shrink new really what was happening-As I said i was reinstated on xanax for about three months with only occasional windows-I finally got hooked up with another crisis center shrink and she put me on K. Well it took about a month to six weeks to stabilize-I was just happy to stabilize- but remember I still hadn't hit this site and still didn't have a clue what was going on. Well after a while I started to feel better and wanted to try it again -even though my doctor said i would have to take it for the rest of my life- I remember my response to this day-"no way in hell,this stuff is killing me,I'm  getting off this fuc-ing shit'- I said that right in the doctors office ;and the only sound in that office that you could here was her jaw hitting the floor-anyway i started to hit the net and here i am.If i would have known what was going on i would have rode the ct out i think- but remember i didn't. IT took this website to give me knowledge which someone once told me is" power"- Skooter  there are two things you can do as i see it .Try to find a doctor that understands-take in a copy of the ashton manual and everything you can think of to try to convince these idiots to cross you over to another benzo or just hang on-your body will adjust and you will be eventually whole again-remember once you do ct -something that your body had was taken away and now it has to find its way back-it will come back but the only thing that cures these bastards is time. Remember right now I'm at the equivalent of about 22 mg of valium-i got a long way to go -keep hanging on-you will get better-your body knows what to do-you just have to give it time-let me know what you think-sorry about the typing -i'm a hunt and peck guy-if you have any other questions feel free to pm me or put it in your thread- i'll be keeping my eye on it-your friend in benzo misery-JIM

[[sk...]]

 

Hi Lori, I hope you're feeling somewhat better? I'm sorry you've been through so much and are still feeling these awful affects. It really makes me continue to wonder if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel again. Again I hope your windows come back.

 

Hi again Jim, thanks for replying to my ?? I know I'm always asking if others are suffering from the same things I am just so I can feel that I am not going crazy. But to tell you the truth, when I first read them I think well I guess it's the w/d making me this way. And then I do a 180 turn and feel so helpless. It's so bad now that I cry at the drop of a hat. I am sure the depression is due to not knowing when and if I will make it thru this as all I want to do is live again. There is always something coming up and I know I won't be able, and able is the magic word I'm missing, to enjoy things again. I know spring is coming, Easter again, time to cook which I haven't been able to do for a yr. now for my family and I ache to do it for them. Summer is coming and I want to be ABLE to enjoy my summers with my family, have a vacation from the hell I am in and on and on.

 

I'm sorry for going on, I've just been so down these days as I don't seem to be stabilizing with my reinstating of the meds and I am furious with the drug co.s for continuing to make this stuff. I want to shout to the world to never touch these things and until I'm ABLE I am of no help to anyone. I'm tired of tv, tired of being housebound which before it was due to the chronic pain of firbromyalgia, which I know now was not an illness but from these stupid poisons that docs still ignore. They might as well give out arsenic to the population it would be a lot easier for us to just croak than to have to suffer this b.s. Again I'm sorry for my bitterness, depression, anger etc. I am just so tired of being s**ewed up the arse from those who THINK they know what the hell they are doing and continue to do it I want to freak at them all.

 

Well now that I've vented, (no sleep again 48 hrs.) I will go read others threads and see how many newbies are here to begin this wonderful new life.

 

[[bo...]]

HI skooter-just dropping by to see how you are feeling-I know its hard and when I went ct i had the same symptoms-the feeling of dread of having commitments was debilitanating-believe me I feel your pain-remember the only thing that cures our problems is time-just do one day at a time and do what you can do .Drop by Box's  blog and keep me updated-jim

[[ha...]]

Hi Skooter,

I wanted to say hi. You are doing good job. Don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to be looking at it as though you some how failed. You most certainly did not! You are taking control as best as you can, trying to do all this the right way. So give yourself a little credit. You deserve it. You will heal and with that will come the relief you need. Of course a little sleep wouldn't hurt, huh?! I'm rooting for you. Kel

[[sk...]]

 

Hi Kel,

 

thanks for your encouragement. And for yours again Jim. I'm so undecided now reading everyones response which has been so wonderful. Thank you all. I will think about it more, maybe more time to stabilize as you both said is what I need. I just know the doc won't help me with giving me more meds and I have a couple refills left so have time to think and continue to feel like crap. All I want to do is go out for a w/e and enjoy life with hubby so he feels like his life is somewhat normal. I hate what this is doing to him as he's stood by me for so long, so many yrs of one thing after another and I wonder why he bothers with me but am so thankful. I do pray a lot and pray to God we can all get through this somehow.

 

Thanks again all

[[...]]

Skooter 48 hours and no sleep?            Have you gotten any sleep yet?              Last night I didn't get any.

I know what you mean about spending time with your hubby and life being normal.      They must LOVE us.

Going away for the w/e sounds like fun but when we got there I would still be me.

 

Do you  try to stay in bed when you can't sleep or do you go off to another room?

 

[[sk...]]

 

Well I've cut my dose in half again as I find when I take a dose it just makes the back and numbness, pins, worse. So not sure how I'll do. It's been 2 days now and went out lastnight for 3 hrs. felt bad but pushed thru it.

 

I hope all are well and feeling better............wasn't sure to write as nothing to say right now having my usual probs right now and just seeing if my puter is still working, touch wood.

[[Lo...]]

 

Well I've cut my dose in half again as I find when I take a dose it just makes the back and numbness, pins, worse. So not sure how I'll do. It's been 2 days now and went out lastnight for 3 hrs. felt bad but pushed thru it.

 

 

Good job, Skooter on going out for 3 hours last night!! Keep us posted on how you are feeling with your cuts.

 

Lori

[[Pa...]]

Hi skooter,

 

Are you going to follow the taper plan T2 made for you?  I'm concerned you're going to cut too fast and end up really suffering again.  I know you want to be off of the pills, but if you cut too fast, the withdrawals could last a lot longer even after you've taken your last pill.  Remember what T2 always says, slow and steady wins the race!

 

Pam

 

 

.75mg am/.75mg afternoon/1.00mg pm

.75mg am/.75mg afternoon/.75mg pm

.75mg am/.625mg afternoon/.75mg pm

.75mg am/.625mg afternoon/.625mg pm

.625mg am/.625mg afternoon/.625mg pm

.625mg am/.625mg afternoon/.5mg pm

.625mg am/.5mg afternoon/.5mg pm

.5mg am/.5mg afternoon/.5mg pm

.375mg am/.5mg afternoon/.5mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.375mg am/.375 mg afternoon/.5mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.375 mg am/.375 mg afternoon/.375mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.25mg am/.375mg afternoon/.375mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.25mg am/.25mg afternoon/.375mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.25mg am/.25mg afternoon/.25mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.125mg am/.25mg afternoon/.25mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.125mg am/.125mg afternoon/.25mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.125mg am/.125mg afternoon/.125mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.125mg afternoon/.125mg pm (hold for 7-14 days)

.125mg pm (hold for 7-14 days) (can cut down even further if necessary before quitting)

Benzo Free!

 

 

[[sk...]]

Hi Pam,

 

good to hear from you and thanks for your concern. I hope I'm not doing it to fast either, but as I said if I'm suffering anyways it doesn't seem to matter much to me. Ha, until it comes down to the suffering that is!!

 

I've been taking now 1.5 to 1.625 I think it is now for 4 days and the bad parts are starting again. But I'm sure I reinstated at to high of a dose as it really was bad. So we'll see how it goes for now anyways. Tonight is bad of course and I just hope I can sleep. Had a cry but not as good of one as I'd like. And hubby just doesn't get it as he said I'm still not any better since reinstating and drives me nuts. Says he read but really just scans a page here and there and don't think he'll ever get it unless I print the Ashton Manual and put it in the bathroom!! Make it a bathroom reader and it will always get read So I may resort to that.

 

So now that I've made my joke for the night I will go for now. I really hope you are feeling better Pam and talk soon.

[[sk...]]

 

I don't know if I cut to much or if the s/x get worse after a cut? But I'm so sick of this. I knew I'd be whining again once I started this taper. I just don't see anyway to make this any easier. I suffer while tapering, sure it's different. But which way is worse? I am so so sore while tapering and my bones feel deformed. The depression, anxiety and agoraphobia is crazy. But feeling as though you are going crazy after c/t or so called taper, is it any different? And now with the cut the numbness, pins and needles are back. So I'm damned if I do and if I don't. I just don't know again because time keeps passing by with dates of celebration that people expect things from you or to go to and there's no one to talk to about it without worrying your family.

 

My daughter has had such a bad yr. and half and now she's on antidepressants herself which terrifies me to death and she says some of it's because she worries about me. So now I feel guilt for saying things to her that I KNOW were the benzos talking but she doesn't get it. I tell my family to come here and read others stories but I think they see/hear enough from me although I try to suffer in silence as much as I can. But no one to talk to is even more difficult. I've even tried to find help in the "medical" (can't stand the word) system and don't trust any of them. I just don't get it that there aren't any support groups in cities for this stuff. It's like we are all suffering in silence, which seems so unreal to me after all the info I've read on this stuff now. How can this be possible in this day and age.

 

I want to get better so I can start to help others. I'd love to open a center with getting people educated about this and starting a support group along with so many other things we as suffers are in need of during these longgggggggggg trying times. So our families aren't so burdened etc.

 

Well that's my vent for now. I took meds early although I just want to chuck them again and play with the thought every hr. of every day because summer is coming and I want to enjoy my life again with my family. At least I can whine by typing here but it would be nice to have a human to human contact with others that KNOW exactly what it is so as not to worry the family.

[[sk...]]

 

I suppose I should move my thread? But am just going to type because don't know where I'm supposed to be with all of this. And that goes for my w/d process either. I am really wondering now if I should of reinstated as it did help with certain things for a few days, but now it doesn't matter what I do it just feels as if I'm c/t anyways and I'm not and that's what's confusing me. I took the same dose I've been taking for 3 weeks last 3 nights as I made my cuts during the day and everything just feels like the days of being through the c/t. And now I have read in 2 different threads that say to others if they've been c/t more than 2 weeks it's not recommended to reinstate. The reason I reinstated was I had read others stories of doing it after a few months to start the slow taper and it worked out better for them. Wow what a mix up, wow am I mixed up and wow what a mess I feel I am in.

 

I am guessing now that I am going to have the protracted withdrawal symptoms for a long time now and is why I think at this point the c/t will not matter because of the meds already have done the damage and no amt of either a little or a bigger amt to reinstate will help. And I read that in the Ashton Manual................live and learn with me as always. I'm sure many here would say I told you so, but I only know of one person that c/t that said their opinion was I shouldn't reinstate. And if others had said to me that it's not recommended to do after 2 weeks then I may have listened.

 

If you don't read all posts here, I just find some can be conflicting with each others opinions. IMO is all. And just venting to myself because I'm the one that put me here no one else. Oh well I guess it will be another yr. of missing out on all family occasions. I only wished they would understand I don't and can't do them and to not worry about me but just leave me alone (another vent, my head is pounding for 3rd day, tears which I couldn't even do while c/t). Stupid crap they wouldn't put an animal thru this shit how can they put humans through this. Why are street drugs so much easier to come off of and yet they can sell this crap legally. wow what a f*ked up world.

[[Lo...]]

Hey skooter,

I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. And it breaks my heart that you are missing out to some extent on family events. I have a hard time not feeling guilty about all I have missed out on the past year and a half with my family. It's hard to know why some things, when it comes to benzos, work for some and not for others. You took the chance on reinstating in hopes that it would help, but there are never any guarantees. Try not to automatically think that you will be one of the ones who experience protracted withdrawals. It's easy for any of us to fear that, but I am learning that fear only makes this whole process worse.

 

 

I am guessing now that I am going to have the protracted withdrawal symptoms for a long time now and is why I think at this point the c/t will not matter because of the meds already have done the damage and no amt of either a little or a bigger amt to reinstate will help. And I read that in the Ashton Manual................live and learn with me as always. I'm sure many here would say I told you so, but I only know of one person that c/t that said their opinion was I shouldn't reinstate. And if others had said to me that it's not recommended to do after 2 weeks then I may have listened.

 

 

This concerns me because you are not thinking about the more serious risks of cold turkeying, like seizures. I know you are focusing on long term withdrawal symptoms, but think about the ones that could happen right away from a cold turkey that can land you in the hospital.

 

Tapering and recovering post benzos can be really tough for some people. It is the hardest and most uncomfortable thing that I have ever been thru, but what was my other option? Continuing on it until I was up to 16 mg a day?? And then having to eventually come off of such a high dose down the road? NO. I am just glad that I only got up to 2mg. I know that it is easy to get frustrated with it all. I am happy for others who are minimally affected during tapering and afterwards, but I can also go into a pity party about why that isn't how it is for me. I am learning that the best thing to do is to take it day by day. To try and accept and deal with what each day brings. If not, I can get anxious or depressed and I don't want to waste anymore todays. As hard as it gets sometimes, I still have so much to be thankful for.

 

I am glad that you feel comfortable enough to share how you are feeling with us, that's what we are here for. I am just trying to stay positive, to try to point out some positives, and to support you thru this difficult time.

 

Lori

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you for your post Lori,

 

I hear and understand everything you're saying........but there's buts you know

 

It's all so very confusing to say the least. Especially when I have c/t, then reinstated, only to have my worst s/x to now be reappearing and getting worse as each hr goes by. And taking the meds. So why would I keep putting the poisons in me to only extend the anguish of these dang w/d s/x getting worse anyways. That's my dilemma I am fighting with. The thought of seizures doesn't even faze me as I've done the c/t in Jan. I feel as I cut, I'm getting the same s/x as the c/t with the pins, needles, squeezing torso bones, nausea etc. But with continuing the taper I'm getting more and more depressed which I didn't have with c/t. I'd much rather have the depersonalization than depression. At least you don't feel. I cry at commercials, songs, a look and so much more and after having this for 12 yrs before '98 I am fearful of it returning and staying as there is noway I can live with that again.

 

So yeah I'm in pity party mode, but it's out of fears from the past because I know I won't make it. I thank you for listening, and telling me I can type away here because I'm alone and have no one to talk with and wouldn't want to talk with someone who didn't know what it was like, especially my family.

[[tr...]]

Hi skooter,

 

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.  I don't know who recommended that you reinstate after being off for 4 months, I hope it wasn't on this forum, but it was indeed some bad advice.  The 2 week window is pretty tight and even then there are no guarantees.

 

What important now is that we move forward from where you are now.  The goal of getting off the benzos and healing is still the same.  Do you feel any worse now than you did when you reinstated?  I would recommend doing a rapid taper instead of another cold turkey, you want to avoid the possibility of a seizure.  It may not change the symptoms but it's much safer.

 

From what I've read, and what I believe from a ct stand point, protracted wd start at about 18 months out.  IMO whether it's called wd or protracted wd is pretty much a moot point, the suffering is all the same.  It's like having a birthday.  One day you're 100 and the next day you're a 101  , you still feel the same, it's just a different number.

 

When it's all said and done, the opinions are weighed and measured, it's up to you what you want to do.  We will be here to support you regardless of you decide. 

 

One of the hardest things we go through is the regret we feel from the life we missed and the life we are missing.  We grieve and mourn over lost time, once we accept that there is nothing we can do about it, accept it for what it is, know that we will be able to do it again in the future, we can let the healing begin.

 

Tropicalsoul

 

[[tr...]]

skooter,

 

Did you ct in Oct or Jan?  I'm a little confused......

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you Tsoul,

 

I am taking all responses into consideration. Your ? about feeling worse/better since reinstating is I'm beginning to feel the same as when I c/t. But worse is the feeling of depression which I didn't have when I c/t. And it's getting stronger with each hour that passes and this is why I'm in such turmoil with the reinstating. Although the c/t was definitely so difficult with my s/x, which I've explained over and over, they to are coming back even more so when I take my clonazapam. The reason I mentioned protracted withdrawal is because I'm sure I was in it during my w/d at the beginning and now it seems like all of those same s/x are just coming back fullforce which is why I suspect them as I did after I found the Ashton Manual after I had already c/t.

 

I admit also because I didn't know about how bad these meds were and had no info on them it was I that did the c/t, even after I had told my docs I wanted off the meds and they still offered no help to me except to change my meds but not how to get off of them.

 

I also agree with you I am thinking about upcoming months of what I missed last yr. in my life as I was trying to come off of meds and it breaks my heart to know I'm going to miss them again. And as another poster said they have aged 5 yrs. since last yr. which I too not only feel but look when I look in the mirror which is really hard when I used to look so young for my age before I once again thought I because I wanted to get myself better by getting off of meds, only got myself deeper into a worse situation.

 

Sorry for going on............but I truly thank you all for all of your caring responses. God Bless you all.

[[ma...]]

Skooter,

 

Holy cow!!  I am so, so sorry you are going through such agony!  I just did a failed, way-too-fast taper b/c my doctor gave me no guidelines or info, and I got to where I couldn't deal with it any more.  I felt like I had razor blades in my bloodstream, and like you, couldn't think.  I am trying to stabilize and then try again, now that I have more info.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me take the edge off sometimes:  Do you know any yoga, or can you get a beginner's video from a store or the library?  I found that I couldn't do strenuous exercise because it made me more anxious.  But gentle, deep muscle work (like a prolonged lunge you really have to sink into and concentrate on) helped my body calm down and my heart ease up.  Just a thought.  The deep, slow breathing helped a lot too.

 

Hang in there, I think you are really brave to get this far. 

 

Marti

[[sk...]]

Tropicalsoul,

 

I'm sorry I missed this ? the first time you asked it and I went on with my other post to you. I c/t from the benzo in Jan. It was 5 weeks and then I reinstated and am now at 1mg of clonazapam divided into 3x a day. Through tapering because of the bad s/x. Doing the best I can under MY circumstances. 

[[Lo...]]

Hey skooter,

Just catching up since my last post to you. TS made a very wise statement:

 

 

One of the hardest things we go through is the regret we feel from the life we missed and the life we are missing.  We grieve and mourn over lost time, once we accept that there is nothing we can do about it, accept it for what it is, know that we will be able to do it again in the future, we can let the healing begin.

 

 

Words that are easier spoken than accepted. But, she is right. I need to remember this each day.

 

I was just wondering what you have decided to do? How did a rapid taper sound to you? Again, I am so sorry that you are going thru so much. I don't think any of us would have taken benzo one if we would have been able to see into the future!! Take care....

 

Lori