problems after w/d from benzo's

[[sk...]]

Ok thanks bec, I guess they don't sell it here in liquid form except in childrens dosage. I can't take the dyes since starting all of this. And I so  hear you about the impatience and that's why I am where I am now. And loathing every minute of being awake in a nutshell. Suffering immensely and no end in sight for this gal. Want to whine but I've whined so much here I've begun to bore myself so can imagine what I'm doing to others

 

Hang in there, you're doing great

 

Hey ginger, my tinnitis started as soon as I c/t and only let up with a softer tone to it when I reinstated. I'm not looking forward to it once I'm done my titration nor all the other swell stuff that's coming my way slowly creeping into my entire being. Just thought I'd let you know and hope your doing good with the taper

[[gi...]]

 

What was CLAIR's tip on Calcium?  I didn't see it. 

 

Also, what caused the February trip to the ER?  Well, I probably know WHAT caused it, but just wondering what symptoms you had.  I hope it wasn't too bad....

--adelia

 

I don't know anymore what it's called, but there's a certain kind of calcium (begins with I? Anyone?) That should be avoided.  I stopped taking the calcium supp I have, along with stopping Hydroxezine, and for 3 days for the majority of the time have felt better than I have in months.  I don't know if they're related, of course.

 

My horror storry:

 

It was freaking terrible Adelia! I've never been so terrified in my life.

 

Waves of dizzyness began when I dropped from .5 to .25 around 12/30. They made me stagger but after the first hour I could function. They lasted about 2 hours each time. When I took my last dose on 1/15 the waves became daily. I got used to them, thinking they were just part of the w/d and they'd eventually pass.

2/5 wave hit.  Within 30 minutes I was seeing triple. 5 minutes later I couldn't walk. I lost complete control of my body and crashed into my desk, bounced my arms and then my head off the desk and onto the floor.

Vertigo so bad I couldn't raise my hand without being near-overcome.

Incoherent on the phone (called my husband). 

Triple vision, nausea.

30 minutes later, when husband got home, I was disoriented, hypersensitive senses, laying on the floor. Could not move anything without being overcome.  He had to dead-lift my 140 lbs and carry me to the car!

Speech went from incoherent to "sounding really drunk"  within 30 minutes.

Threw up.

Went from triple to double vision in the span of an hour. 

Went from double vision to single vision in about 4 hours.

Have remained woozy ever since (but the waves of dizzyness are no longer regular and not as severe).

 

The entire time (whether I was understood or not) I kept saying "It's K withdrawal! It's K withdrawal!"

 

Excluding extremity numbness, I had all the signs of stroke.  Of course that, and EVERYTHING else, has since been ruled out.  My pdoc's diagnosis? A "sensitivity to benzos." !!!

 

I've never been so terrified in my life!! And to know that it can happen again, at any time, forever... I live in fear but I live.

 

I hope this helps.  I have yet to find anyone who's had anything so extreme happen. Anyone? 

 

ginger1222

[[sk...]]

Wow Ginger,

 

I just read this after having my first dizzy spell and it scared the hell out of me. That was about an hr. ago and it's lifted for now but geez what else is to come I have to wonder. Never mind what's going on now. Aw well I think I'll have to start my blog that I said I'd do over a month ago now and time just keeps passing me by.

 

How are you doing now? Are you getting those windows yet? I hope so as I haven't had any around here yet and keep looking. But I am going to have to get out soon once it warms up again as I can't let the beautiful spring pass me by that's for sure.

[[gi...]]

Hi Skooter,

 

Sorry to have scared you! I can imagine Adelia sitting with her mouth open after reading that!  Sometimes, it's best not to ask! 

 

I just keep thinking about what if I hadn't been waiting around the house to go to that appointment? I normally would have been at the gym, or driving to it, at that time of day...  If it had happened 5 minutes earlier I would have been on a very steep and windy part of a country road... 

I will carry the terror I felt that day for the rest of my life!

 

And to think that I have the syndrome, and it could be protracted...it can always happen again...

I have a large Medical Alert paper attached to my license and I carry my cell with me everywhere now.  I just keep on.

 

I've had 3 consecutive days of "smudged windows." I've been positively buoyant about it; but then I read the stats and posts here and shoot myself right back down to earth!  I'm also warily eyeing Thursday; that'll be 3 weeks from my last ativan. It was 3 weeks to the day after my last K that I had that event.

 

So how are you?  Any windows for you?

 

 

[[sk...]]

Hi Ginger,

 

no windows for me unfortunatly...........I think the benzo blind has been slammed up until I can get this garbage out of me. I posted somewhere around here lookin to see if anyone else is having or had probs with the spine, vertabrae, and going around to the ribcage as this squeezing me is so excrutiating and I just want to know if anyone else ever experienced this. Maybe I should post it somewhere else too.

 

I told ya I'm all over this place and still can't find my way around I'm so 

 

Oh well ............thanks for asking. I'm happy you're having at least some foggy windows. At least they are open and I wouldn't mind having some fog on them if they'd just open up And great work on the legal stuff. Hope it continues to grow

[[gi...]]

Hey Skoot,

 

If you look up in the right corner, right across from "hello skooter" you'll see 3 underlined lines that you can pick.  I check "show new replies" so I can keep up with all this stuff. I just found it the other day and I'm so glad I did! I was so lost!

 

The windows will open... they have to.  All the research says they do!! Hang on.  Today started out real shaky for me; I had an anxiety attack that woke me about 5am and was with me until after my CBT therapy at 10. Then suddenly it was gone! Since then I've had a very good day.  I keep telling myself that this can't last...

 

Unfortunately my CBT therapist told me today that I had my taper schedule off: I actually dropped .25 in 2, 3 and the 2 week increments. I thought I took longer.  I was just not "here" during that time and didn't keep track. Why wasn't I writing that stuff down?! I knew it was too fast doing it over 8 weeks; but I actually did it in 7!!  I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the ER sooner! He also told me that he's never known anyone to get off K; everyone has always gone back.  He said it's the hardest one to get off of.  He also couldn't believe that a neuro told me it was OK to take 4 mg ativan (twice)! 

 

By the time I got to my next errand I was completely calm, turned off, even. Now I'm sitting here amazed that I'm not devastated by what he told me. What do you think of that?

 

Is "blissful ambivalence" another s/x, anyone?

 

Hang in there, Skoot, and stay in touch.

 

Waving from my window...

ginger1222

[[ad...]]

Wow, Ginger, that's quite an ER story!  Yes, my jaw did drop.  I have read some other horror stories of getting off Klon suddenly, even up to 3 weeks later.  One of the stories was a woman's "diaphragm" (yes, Skooter, that muscular thing at the bottom of your rib cage that is squeezing and causing pain) that seized up and she had to go to the ER.  I've read other horrible stories too, but on other sites.  But yours is a doozie...wow.

[[sk...]]

Oh thanks Adelia,

 

do you know where you read these stories? I've just made a blog trying to find some help as I'm starting to get real down about it and worried because I just can't stand it anymore. Almost in tears here but hiding it from hubby he doesn't like to see me so bad and he knows I've been going thru this a long long time now and worries also. No more trips for me to ER or docs as they are so useless here if I told them how I went off benzo's etc they'd just say well it's not from the drugs. I'm sure you all know all of those wonderful stories. Having probs typing so will come back later. Hope you feel better!!!!! AND THANK YOU!

 

 

[[gi...]]

I am absolutely beside myself with anxiety over all this.  To know I tapered in 7 wks when the advised protocol is 3 months... that my doc didn't listen before, during or after I went off...that a neurologist gave me ativan, rather than insisting valium was as strong as I should risk...that only 54% of the people who do a slow taper successfully w/d completely; and here what I did was essentially a c/t...that I've done this to myself, that I've ruined everything...

I just set up an intvw w/ a new psych and told her what was going on. SHe said I needed to be monitored weekly while I'm withdrawing. I said my last taper was in Jan., my last dose in Feb and that I'd never been monitored. She said "this is very serious. The withdrawal can get very bad."

How am I supposed to pay for a weekly visit?

How am I supposed to function?  My husband yelled at me to get a job months ago, and I was feeling OK then!

How have you managed your days? How do you get through this?

I'm so overwhelmed this is all I can think about. It's an endless loop.

can you help?

[[sk...]]

Wow Ginger,

 

I'm not sure if my mind is up yet but I'll try...........I'm wondering if the pdoc just wants your money. Reason I say this is because you did a rapid taper to almost a c/t and each week that goes by is another week of healing. I know it's hell, but to reinstate at this point after being off for so many weeks I don't think will help you much when it comes to having all the nasty s/x of w/d. And whether it's doing a proper taper or having done what you (and I have done) with the rapid taper. We didn't know any better nor did we get the proper medical attention we should have gotten when we did get into this predicament. You've come to far now to start over. It would be going back to square one and going thru what you're already going thru. Please don't beat yourself up over this, it is what it is and we just have to suffer. All you are feeling is from the benzos making your mind confused and it's going to take a long time to clean it all out of your system.

 

I'm sure Pam can tell you more than I can and so many others around here that have c/t. She warned me not to reinstate, and for what seemed like weeks I'd continuously heard "there's no going back once you've quit benzos) but I was in suicidal mode and after 5 weeks I did it for my family and my life. Yes I've felt like you do and am having many difficulties, but on the other hand I'm still here, and I'm not "ready" to jump.

 

So that's my opinion, and I just take one day at a time and try not to think about the what if's the woulda shoulda and coulda's and just have to take the s/x as they come (oh touchin wood with that one I hope you can hang on and know these nasties can put many doubts into us just so we continue to think about them as they want us to put more of them in our bodies.

 

Hope this made sense.........I've got floaters on the screen and soup in my head

[[ad...]]

Hi Ginger,

 

Did you say, you've been off 4 mg Ativan since 2/13? Good Lord. 

 

Can you tell us what your symptoms are?  (I hope I didn't miss you saying them before...)

 

As far as the weekly psych visit, I agree -- it's a great idea!!!  But...I try to be flexible and creative to get through these trying times.  If I feel I need something, then I figure out how I can get it. 

 

A church I go to where I live has free social services.  And I got the number to call and make an appointment.  I haven't done it yet (too sick to leave the house much until now) but I think I will.  Because let's face it.  Not all of our friends and loved ones want to talke about this....right?  So it's good to get some support. 

 

And then all the good people here will help you with the taper and such...

how does that sound Ginger?  Do you have any ideas for how to get some weekly support that might cost less, or nothing?  Maybe just some good friends that could come visit or something? 

 

Also, may as well accept the fact right here and now, that you may NOT be functioning too well, for awhile.  Give in to it, and just do the best you can.  That's all.  Take care of your most immediate needs and you'll get through it, like we all are.  It's not easy, but it's possible! 

 

For me, I suffered the most around my expectations that I was "supposed" to be better in a few weeks, at the most!  Boy, did I have to rearrange my thinking. 

 

And I basically did a "controlled c/t" too, just like you Ginger.  I wouldn't recommend it, but it's done.  I'm getting well now, and so will you!!!! 

 

[[gi...]]

Thanks, Skooter, for your words...

 

Adelia,

 

I did a fast taper of K over 7 wks, ending in January.  Then I had that collapse and took 4 mg Ativan to get through the MRI. Then I took another 4 mg again, a week later, for a long CT (on 2/25).  I wouldn't have made it through the MRI without the ativan. I could have done the CT sober, though. I didn't even consider what I was doing.

 

Currently my symptoms are:

Constant wooziness, sometimes intensifies for a while; pulsing numbness behind eyes; throbbing headache; muscle tension beyond comprehension!; dry eyes (always R, sometimes L), puffy eyes; anxiety; bouts of depression; inability to stay focused; raging tinnitus; obsessive thoughts, loss of muscle tone (I weight train and I have NOTHING left); something I'll just call a "gastrointestinal joy";  aching, jerking, burning L shoulder....I think that's it for now.

 

Most of the symptoms I've had since I began my taper in November. The woozies came to stay after my collapse. The headache actually went away for 3 days but is now back. The tinnitus came on, of course, after I took the ativan (increased both times I took it).

 

Anyway, I should have been able to say I was benzo free for 2 months if not for that dang ativan. So now I'm just benzo free for 3 weeks.

 

But we're never really free, are we?

 

My head is screaming. I need to go. Thanks for staying in touch -

 

[[sk...]]

I don't know why my s/x are getting so revved up. It's like I'm in c/t mode all over again. I've been titrating at 1ml everyday and it's getting worse and worse. I'm thinking that maybe my cuts are uneven as I have a pill cutter but it's only good at cutting the pill in half. When cutting it in half again is where they are not the same sizes and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to updose again, and at the same time I want to jump off of this garbage I'm so angry. I've been doing titration for a week now so 7ml less and as I said I'm vibrating with the tingling, pins/needles and numbness along with the dang squeezing around my torso and spine. Man I just don't know anymore I'm just so furious about these poisons. I love reading about those that are having a successful taper etc. Although they seem to be so far and few between, with the majority of us in a complete mess. I started magnesium yest. and don't know  if this isn't helping or what now.

 

Oh well such goes the life of a benzo head, thanks for listening

[[Lo...]]

skooter very sorry to hear. it gets the best of us doesnt it? i hope your a lil better at the current moment or when you read this. however i just wanted to share something with you thats sorta helped me out and sorta failed on me a few times also. laying down on your back placing your fingertips spread just slightly at the point of where the rib cage ends. take deep diaphgram (sp?) breaths and concentrate on your fingertips spreading a slight bit away from each other. i do this for 20 minutes at a time while looking at something to distract myself or concentrating hard on a pleasant memory or a hopeful future. sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. depending on my state. we're all diffrent i know. i hope this technique is news to you and hope you find some relief with it. if not i guess poo on me lol. but anywho we do all have a future ahead of us all. a fullfilling one as long as we stick together and stay strong. i say that because in my mind i have been thinking about a benzo and wd free me one day and realize at times of hope there will be more to life than this. this is not as good as it gets. it has to get better. we we're all happy and content at one point, and wel will be again. i hope your hanging on tight.

 

-dave

[[Ki...]]

hi Skooter,

 

I'm not sure how long your holding on each cut - 3 days?  maybe this is too fast.  Jared feels the same way.  he is somewhere between doped up with the vistaril and phenobarb and jumping out of his skin with the bodyshakes.  He has had "ants" crawling over him lately. Oh joy

 

Hang in ther skooter.  Some day this too will pass.  Reaching thru cyberspace for big hugs!!!! :hug:

 

Kiriana

[[sk...]]

Thank you Dave for the tip, I'll be trying it when I try and do my laydown thing soon here. I'm glad to see you posting to me, I find it helps me to try and help others when I'm having a hard time so it's great therapy I think. And good to hear your good thoughts process about the future, it's why I continue to move forward with getting off these meds, why I started all of this in the first place. I wanted to have a better life with my family and also to be able to do things with them as meds have taken to many yrs. from me being able to do this at all. Little did I know that taking my first clonazapm would spiral me into a decade of depression, then once off of those, again little did I know they were continuing to torture me by giving me the physical pain then and leading to a d/x of stupid fibro which had me on opiates, 3 different benzos and whatever the doc wanted to try me on that wasn't labeled as an antidepressant as I told him from the very start I wouldn't touch them. I sure wish I'd of known about all of the psych meds and how they trick you into taking things they say aren't an anti. Argh I'm still furious with all of these scammers taking our lives from us.  :tickedoff: Stay in touch my friend we'll both get thru this and have a great life

 

Kiri,

 

I thank you for your post also, you make my heart melt because you are such a caring spouse you go online for support and offer to help others and this shows so much compassion to me. I have been thru support chat sites before, and I have to say that people getting off of benzos are by far the most caring and supportive people I've ever had the pleasure of having support from, and this makes me feel all the stronger for it. I know I whine a lot and have been going thru months of hell, but when I come here and read the posts to each other it really helps me to get my head straight (most times). I'm so thankful for everyone who posts to me and this site where we are able to do our whining and still have someone offer support and not judge us. I wish your hubby gets some relief soon too as I know what he's going thru. It's no life anyone should have to go thru but we are lucky as we can win this battle and move on, maybe tell hubby I'm sending this to him  TAke care and God Bless

[[st...]]

Hi Skooter,

 

I used a straight-edged razor to cut my pills into quarters and 1/8ths.....the pill cutter didn't work well on the smaller cuts.  I also took the larger pieces first and worked down to the smaller cuts.  Hope this helps.

 

Patty  xo

[[sk...]]

OH hello Patty

 

thanks for the suggestions, I never even thought of taking the small ones later. I'm doing titration and down to 9ml today, and will now keep the smaller ones for later use and use the bigger ones. I'll also try to cut again by hand but I really don't trust myself with a little razor, not with what's going on in this little pea brain lately. Thanks for stopping by and giving me a smile so early today. I need sleep so bad 

[[Pa...]]

Hi skooter,

 

Thanks for saying such nice things about me, I've seen your comments in other threads.  I hope you know how much others appreciate your dropping by and wishing them well.  You're making a difference in other peoples lives by the kind words you offer. 

 

I know you probably can't see this, but you're so much better than you were when you first got here.  I know it's difficult for you to see progress, but it's happening.

 

Keep going in the right direction and keep trying to be positive.  You're going to make it through this, never doubt it can happen. 

 

Pam

[[ad...]]

I agree with Pamster....you're getting so much "gooder" Skooter.  Gooder and gooder all the time! 

 

Strangely enough, I dry cut just like Stoneyco.  I thought I was being totally absurd at the time (so it's nice to know I wasn't alone  ...I had my little system figured out.  The pill cutter would give me a large half and a smaller half, so I'd use the large half for 2 weeks, then shave off that twice or so, til I got to the size of the small half.  Then I'd take the small half for another two weeks, which was by then, I think an 1/8, then shave two more times off that.  GOOD LORD!!!!!  If I only would have known about water titration!!!

--adelia

[[st...]]

Scooter, the straight-edged razor has a dull edge on one side.  Very easy and safe to use. 

 

Patty  xo

[[sk...]]

Thanks for the vote of confidance Adilea and Pam. I'm glad you both can see I'm getting better and better as I sure ain't feelin any of it. Wish I was so I could say it myself but again thanks for all encouragement and kind words. I feel so much love and caring from all it's nice to be understood!!! Hubby already sick of me too says I'm driving him nuts with always yelling at tv when drugs stories come up or pharma co.s yappin about their wonderful drugs and all the side effects ha. I've come to my own conclusion that I'd bet 60-70% of illnesses are caused by chemicals and the wonderful feel better meds out there and clogging out medical systems to the max with all of their side effects. Very very sad they can continue to do this to the public and keep it all so hush hush.

 

Hey Patty, you and that razor are sure trying to tempt me, even with the dull edge side  which I though was to funny for me because I was talking about something else when I meant I don't trust myself with the razor, hence it still has a sharp side and seeing as I'm not all here I am not going to chance it being a benzo head for now. I am having a hard enough time with titration and measuring lol, and really can't see me shaving little pills to try and figure out how much to take. It's all so sickening to me and angers me more and more each day

 

Take care all, hope all are in a good window day!!

[[Pa...]]

Skooter, I'm new here 2. And what u describe I havent had but From everything I have read, wds can last for months after quitting. I know that stinks but every ones brain and chemistry r diff. Hang in there bud, wont last 4 ever.

 

[[sk...]]

Thanks Paul for the support. I'm hangin in and then some thanks. Hope you are doing the same. I've been this way for a yr. now and haven't even started the best of the best as I had with c/t. So no worries about me, yet  thanks.

 

I am glad you found this site as so many supportive people here to help us sure is a godsend as those on the outside world have no idea or patience with us as I have found unless you are one of the few lucky ones. 

 

God Bless you and hope you have an easier time than some of us are experiencing

[[Ki...]]

Hey skooter,

 

I just picked up the new Eckhardt Tolle book "New Earth" and he says the same thing!!!!!!!!!!!

 

"I'd bet 60-70% of illnesses are caused by chemicals and the wonderful feel better meds out there and clogging out medical systems to the max with all of their side effects. Very very sad they can continue to do this to the public and keep it all so hush hush." - Quote

 

It just nice to get 3rd party confirmation

 

Kiri