problems after w/d from benzo's

[[sk...]]

 

Argh, I wrote in reply to Pam and Clair and lost it all. And have no idea what the hell I wrote  damn cyber space. And spaced out is just what I'm feeling 

 

I hate all of this, I'm so ..........can't even think of a word that explains how I'm feeling. Gawd.

 

I do remember asking you Clair if you still thought you had fibro. Or if you had the same idea that the fibro was just the cause of the meds in our systems? Any thoughts you may have on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I have always said that fibro was a garbage can d/x and now I am sure I can confirm this with all of the symptoms that the benzos cause. Do you think the same way Clair?

 

Well off to watch more of the same b.s. on TV. Just vegging out again and am so tired. I want to enjoy my life not live this way anymore.

 

I'm whining and am of no help to anyone this way so will go again but am sure I'll be back tonight sometime as sleep doesn't come easy.

 

Take care Pam and Clair. Thank you for saying I am keeping my thoughts together as it sure doesn't seem that way to me. Just glad I am making sense to some. My memory is shot. Boy I'd love to give the docs some of their own medicine and then make them c/t to see if they could last!!!!

[[Cl...]]

HI Scooter,

I have lost long composed emails by hitting the wrong computer key also - nothing is more frustrating especially if it was difficult to writ in the first place.

 

About Fibromyalgia - the Rheumatologist I saw for 20 years, believe that fibro is another autoimmune disease. I think this too.  I have had many symptoms since I was a young girl - all SC that I could deal with.  My sister was diagnosed with Lupus, but she has the same symptoms as I do.  One Dr told her she didn't have lupus, she had fibro.  The fact is they don't know much about autoimmune dieseases, conditions and I do wonder if they don't just group all together,  But for me, I have always been more sensitive to everything - the Fair skin Irish ancestry, blue eyed background.  I have recently found out that many of my cousins have the same issues and I am noticing some of my nieces flushing. and a son was diagnosed with Fibro.

The one and only time I had severe "fibro' pain was when I was first diagnosed.  I get achy periodically & will experience strange pains in different parts of my body but all bearable.  Pain is not my biggest issue but I do have , or have experienced every other fibromyalgia symptom.  And now like you wonder if some or all are caused or exacerbated by the drugs.

I have another post under general health.  I believe under light burning my skin I speak of Fibo on there.

 

Through 20 years of my own researching, I think/say I have autoimmune issues.  The doctors, the medical community, know very little in this area because it deals with the brain.  and I have seen soooo many specialists, tops in their Fields - they are clueless.  Mine handed out, although I did not accept them, meds as if they were candy.  I was always told I could up the dosages. 

I wish I had never gone on any meds for it.  On my other posting I speak of Chinese herbs.  read about it.  they helped me more than any drug.  But you have to go to the right person, herbalist and do it wisely.

 

It is my opinion, that the benzo w/d hits us hardest in the issues we already have or are sensitive to.  Not every person on BB has some of the symptoms that we do. I got to where I always look for the posts of fibro or autoimmune people.

 

I know how bad you feel Scooter.  Some of the w/d symptoms I had I never told anyone because I was concerned they would think I was crazy. I thought i wouldn't be able to stand anymore but human beings are very strong. 

My son sent me this quote from Deepak Chopra.

"Intelligence is present everywhere in our bodies...our own innate intelligence is far superior to any we can try to substitute from the outside." 

It is just the harnessing f that intelligence that is difficult.

And I started praying again.

Take care... rest..,

Clair

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you Clair for your insight to my ??

 

I am sorry your son and sister have been d/x with fibromyalgia. It is not something I would wish on anyone. I still suspect it was the drugs in my case as I never experienced any symptoms until after yrs. of being on a benzo. Auto immune illnesses are so tricky to d/x, and with so many illnesses linked to them, it is no wonder many of them are misdiagnosed.

 

I hope your family members are doing well and able to handle their s/x without all of these terrible drugs. I know it is easier said than done as I was on many a med and all were more trouble than they are worth but when we don't have the proper knowledge of what these poisons do to a human body how are we to know better? We do put our faith in the docs which is another thing I seem to be paying the price for now.

 

Today is another wonderful day of suffering with so many s/x. Worsed ones being the tightness, tingling numbness and general nauseous with others peaking and waning some. I'm sure more will rear their ugly head as the day/night goes on.

 

Take care Clair, I hope you are feeling better soon.

[[sk...]]

 

I was just reading testimonials on a fibromyalgia site and some of them were a little confusing. They were happy the doc helped them to "get off of the meds" they were on. Hmm sounds suspicious seeing as none said they had any difficulties with this. Does this not sound odd to anyone? I wish!!! If only it was that easy. I dream of the day when I'm done with all of this

 

I was wondering if anyone had a symptom of acne problems since they started their regiment? I can't believe that I have been getting such awful breakouts. I keep saying that when they stop I will be on my way to healing. And to be breaking out at my age just burns me to say the least And I seem to be aging daily. I don't know who I am anymore when I look into a mirror. My Lord who am I and how did I get into this predicament. I can't help but be so angry with people who should know better.

 

I should be writting this in my log but I've been trying to navigate my way around all of these boards and finally found my way home again and so I'm so discouraged and can't get these feelings to go away. Maybe I will try and nap some before night comes again and again and again. God help us please. 

 

Ask your angels for help they are always with you and waiting for you to ask!

[[Be...]]

 

I was just reading testimonials on a fibromyalgia site and some of them were a little confusing. They were happy the doc helped them to "get off of the meds" they were on. Hmm sounds suspicious seeing as none said they had any difficulties with this. Does this not sound odd to anyone? I wish!!! If only it was that easy. I dream of the day when I'm done with all of this

 

I was wondering if anyone had a symptom of acne problems since they started their regiment? I can't believe that I have been getting such awful breakouts. I keep saying that when they stop I will be on my way to healing. And to be breaking out at my age just burns me to say the least And I seem to be aging daily. I don't know who I am anymore when I look into a mirror. My Lord who am I and how did I get into this predicament. I can't help but be so angry with people who should know better.

 

I should be writting this in my log but I've been trying to navigate my way around all of these boards and finally found my way home again and so I'm so discouraged and can't get these feelings to go away. Maybe I will try and nap some before night comes again and again and again. God help us please. 

 

Ask your angels for help they are always with you and waiting for you to ask!

 

Just so you know, you are not alone on this one, either.  Here's a recent thread on that very subject:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=11512.msg155694#msg155694

 

BTW, skooter, I noticed you are still on the Welcome board.  What do you think about starting a blog?  You can certainly start threads on the other boards as appropriate but it would be your BB "home".  Just go here and start a new topic with your blog name:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=88.0

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you for your help Beeper.

 

I will start a blog soon. I get lost so easy with so many topics, boards, people etc. So many newcomers starting new threads and I lose myself so easily. The confusion sets in and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want to be on the wrong board and will try and find the right place soon. I hope I am not a nuisance to anyone.

 

Hope you are doing well Beeper and again thank you for redirecting me to the proper place to blog.

[[51...]]

Hi Skooter, I also know how you feel. I am 2 months completely off klonipin now, and feel a lot better, but still have bad days. The symptoms seem to be a little different for everyone, but follow the same type path, Tightness, stabbing pains, etc. I myself have the tinnitus also pretty severe, restless leg syndrome, severe head and neck pain and tightness, pains everywhere. It is very distressing at times. One thing I can tell you that may help. All of us here started taking the Benzos in the first place because we felt we needed them for anxiety, nerves, stress, whatever. Being of this personality type myself, I do realize that I bring on a lot of the symptoms myself. I notice sometimes If I get involved with something that keeps my mind occupied, I may go 30 minutes, and totally forget about how I feel so bad. Then it dawns on me, because I have been busy, that I didn't have the time to feel bad. I go for long walks. During the walk I generally feel good, as soon as I would get home, plant myself on the sofa, I would start the bad thinking, and would start feeling bad again. Now, I'm not trying to say that all this is in our heads, far from that. But don't think for a second that a lot of it isn't. Just try your best to accept these are normal symptoms, they will go away, and you will feel better. Remember we didn't get this way overnight, nor will it go away overnight.  Good Luck  51 Chevy

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you 51chevy

 

I agree with you 100%

 

I do have to get off of my rear and at least go walking. And I do know when I am playing word whomp (a game online) my mind stays busy and sometimes I don't notice my s/x's so much. Usually tho I start to have the tightness take over and I can't stand it anymore and have to sign off. I'm trying my hardest but sometimes it can be so debilitating.

 

It is reassuring, although only a mere pittance at a time, to know others know how we feel most of the time. Thank you for looking at my board and giving me some feedback. I can use all the help I can get at this point and appreciate all those who offer their insight into how I can deal and hopefully get well again.

 

How long have you been on meds 51? And how long have you been coming off of them. I'm just curious as I like to compare notes. Talk to you soon and take care.

[[sk...]]

 

I don't know if I can do this. There has to be something out there that will/would help. I keep searching but nothing comes to this mind that wants to turn, turn around and not look back. But turn to where, there's nowhere to go. I feel so alone. Is there anybody out there that has felt this way after stopping. I'm sure there are but what am I to do. I can't start taking the meds again that got me here in the first place. The panic and anxiety are overwhelming. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure. I've been sneaking 25mg of morph every second day or 2 days on, 1 off. Finding it harder to cope and the morph seems to numb my mind, helps me to cope. It's so much easier to stop opiates than it is this junk. I am really at odds with myself as to what to do. I'm sure most can imagine what is on my mind struggling with all of these thoughts. Although it's not an option for me with my family and all, but the feelings still creep up in the back of my troubled mind when I think about the time frame that I will be this way and that's the short end.

 

Please God help me. I don't understand why I'm not getting the help I pray for over and over.

[[Mi...]]

Oh, skooter,

 

I am so sorry that you are feeling so poorly.  When I first quit drinking I felt sick for many months because my body simply could not adjust to not having the booze.  I've heard that benzos are booze in liquid form.

 

Just wanted to tell you to hang on.  I've had some rough days myself late.y, but knowing that the people here at BB truly care is such a huge comfort to me.

 

I really do pray you feel better soon.

 

Missy

[[Pa...]]

skooter,

 

Try not to think about how long you might be this way.  I know I'm asking the impossible, but you have to try.  Just making it through each minute is hard enough, thinking in terms of weeks and months makes it ever harder. 

 

Don't turn back to benzo's, they won't help you anymore.  You know now that if you took them again, eventually you'd have to quit them.  It's physically impossible to keep taking them in the increasing amounts because of your body building up tolerance.  What kept me from going back to them when I was at my worst was the knowledge that I couldn't go through the worst of the withdrawal again!  I had no choice, I knew I only had one recovery in me, if I took them again, I would do the unthinkable to avoid withdrawal.

 

There is no way out of this except through it.  You can do it, I know you can.  It's the hardest thing you'll ever do and no one in the real world will ever know how hard it is.  But, we know we here on the forum know the horrors you're living. 

 

When you make it to the other side of this, life will taste so sweet, you'll have an appreciation for each moment without the pain and suffering. 

 

Pam

 

[[sk...]]

 

Thank you Missy and Pam,

 

both of your words do make so much sense and I know I MUST listen and DO this, but.........lord I just find it all so hard. As I know you and all here know as well. I just don't know how to do it. I'm in such a tumultuous body experiences I can't even explain them. It's like having a stake jabbed into the middle of my spine which goes right thru me and out thru my ribcage. It is continuous trembling, shaking inside of my bones with the damn pins and needles non stop, in every pore of my being. In my bones, every nerve etc. I'm trying so hard and I know I'm not alone and feel for us all. No sleep does not help either, as how is someone supposed to sleep when their every being is being shook beyond belief?

 

I even wonder if the energies of my inner being has been taken over by a gh_st and this thought is surly a testament of being mad.

 

And with that thought I will go and try to relax, although the mind and body doesn't seem to want to settle anytime soon but I can hope.

 

As I hope all here continue to hang in there and feel as grateful as I do for so many wonderful people that are here to help. THANK YOU

[[Sw...]]

Hi Skooter,

 

I'm not much for words these days, but I do want to tell you to hang in there. We do understand what you are going thru, you can do this!

 

Swirl

[[sk...]]

 

l thank you Swirl and I know exactly what you mean with not being of much for words these days!! I haven't been on in a few days and it seems to be getting harder. I don't know what I can do besides nothing. I really can't stand it anymore. Having terrible thoughts and don't know what to do?? You are all so great here, and your words are truly helpful but when you're all alone and your body is so bad with all the symtoms going crazy inside of you it doesn't matter what others say to you. I can't even sit for a few seconds!!!!! I am not able to lie still, sit still because I can't stand the numbness and tingling. This is intolerable and I am honestly losing it. I hate what I've become. I could throttle doctors for not helping.

 

sigh wtf am i going to do this more than sucks......

[[Sw...]]

Skooter,

 

I know what you mean about the bad thoughts, don't give into to them. They are horrible negative thoughts, I know I get them too, but they will subside. The more time I'm off the benzos the less I have them. I know how these negative thoughts are and I'm determined not to let them stop me from living. I keep reminding myself "it's just benzo negativity and this too will pass". There is a name for these darn negative thoughts but I can't think of it, I do know it is a symptom of benzo withdrawal. My memory is horrible and sometimes I forget words but like every other symptom, this too shall pass.

 

Hang in there every minute that passes you are healing.

 

Swirl

[[sk...]]

Hi Swirl,

 

thanks for encouragement. I hate whining but it's all I can do because of the thoughts and the incorrigible feelings. I don't know how to friggen cope with this b.s.

 

I don't go out. I don't get dressed when it's this bad. I don't see anyone, don't want to see nor speak with nobody. Etc etc etc.........and I keep picturing me in a straight jacket so I can't do anything! as this is how I feel these symptoms are doing to me. Like constant torture.

 

I c/t as no doc told me about this crap. Then to learn all I did to myself once I came across the Ashton Manual and website is unbelievable to say the least and to not know just how long it will last is the most hardest part I think.

 

I best go now, again thanks for your help. Much appreciated. You take care also and I will have to find your thread soon as I forget/forgotten everything/everbodies threads I have replied in and read. So dang frustrating and I feel like I'm dying inside my heart is breaking from all my thoughts.

 

Take care

[[...]]

Hi Skooter, thanks for dropping into my thread and for the encouragement!, so sorry to hear what you are going thru and I totally relate! It's a goddamn pain in the arse  but unfortunately there's no avoiding it.

 

With that last post it's like you read my mind. I'm often in a very similar state!

 

Even though everyone's situation is different and i feel like i've had an easier time of it than many, I know this-

You must be one strong-willed person to be going through this benzo crap and are doing a lot better than you may think!

 

I know you've probably heard this a million times but you are NOT going bonkers and your symptoms ARE withdrawal, I know this because I relate to so many of them and so do all the other folk here!

 

I mostly feel rubbish at the moment too and only really operate at a very basic level- eat, sleep (sometimes), get crappy intrusive thoughts, think my way out of them, have a shower, go for a walk or a drive, get frustrated, eat etc. I'm just temporarily not able to do the things i used to. But they'll come back sometime as they will for you. I know how frustrating it is, really!

 

I also understand what you mean about not seeing/speaking to people. I know it can be tempting but try not to cut yourself off from people completely.

It definitely helps to keep in touch with the people in your life even if it's just the occasional phone call until you're feeling more able to be in company. Sometimes it's just hard to speak to folk about benzo w/d because it's so hard for them to understand if they haven't had experience of it. But thats what BB's is here for! I can only speak about this stuff with a few very close friends and family and even that's sometimes tricky tbh.

 

I know that often w/d really messes with our lifestyles, work and social lives and this feels so wrong and can get on top of us but remember one thing- we have been made ill by these crappy benzos and therefore need to take it easy on ourselves. If this means taking it easy and having some time-out to recover then thats what we have to do. This is a genuine illness!

 

It's also natural to get angry about it all, I know I do. A few days ago I threw my stupid valium prescription out the kitchen window in a fit of moderately controlled rage  .

I totally understand your frustrations and wish i could do something more to help.

 

The one thing i find most useful at times like this is distracting myself- with anything!- tv, a book, music, a film, a walk, a game of cards, anything, no matter how mundane, that can take your mind off it even for a few minutes will help,

 

Anyhow, I hope i haven't been rambling too much here but please take care of yourself and be easy on yourself through this and keep in touch, even if it doesn't feel like it you're getting better all the time,

 

All the best,

 

Mr B

 

 

[[sk...]]

 

Hey MOT!!!!!!!!

 

lol, I'm still awake!!! I just wanted to thank you for the post!!! You made me SMILE

 

I haven't done that in a while. Thank you for your kind thoughts/words. It sure means alot when somebody stops by and reads some of your own insane thoughts and tells you that you aren't losing it! Although after you read that you then seem to come back down after those few seconds back to your own reality, back to feelings of being out of control. Feeling as tho if you aren't put in a flippin straight jacket you will actually go bonkers, not knowing what the hell you'll do.

 

I get so caught up with others probs in here, searching for the one symptom that speaks out to you where you can say "omg, it is the benzo b.s."!!! Searching for a time frame where you will start to feel somewhat human again, but worrying it will never come from reading those who are still suffering after months and months. It is friggin terrifying to say the least. Then you read another story where someone says that they are having very few symptoms, and the ones they speak of you think to yourself, although you are sure they are very terrible for the person having them you would give anything to trade that person! But omg, you wouldn't want to have somebody else feel such terrible feelings of desensitization and depersonalization. So I shouldn't even say trade, maybe to just get rid of yours and take theirs for them!! Yes that's it 

 

I don't know what country you live in but here it is 4am and I do not see me getting any sleep again. I am losing count as to how much sleeping I am doing lately and I am shocked when I say I can count the hrs. on my hands as to how much I've had in the last 4 days. If not more as I have no memories, and wasn't even sure what day it was.

 

I am almost sure I read your thread and yet can't remember if you are med free or still detoxing so will go check it now. Although there is nothing more I want to do right now than to shut this dang computer off, I fear the feelings (mental/intensity of physical) will all come rushing back. As it is as you say, keep busy doing things and I am hooked on the pogo site of many puzzles. The awful pain is with me but the other worse ones I describe in other posts are in the back of my mind.

 

I hope you are doing well and now I will go and reread what I know I've read once already. I'll say hi, if I make it.

[[...]]

I had to chuckle when I read your most recent post.  I have soooo BEEN there.  So be assured that you will get better....in time. 

I shouldn't even say trade, maybe to just get rid of yours and take theirs for them!! Yes that's it   Yes , that IS it!!!!!

 

I finally decided to stop counting the hours I slept and just be thankful if I could function at all during the day.  I got so obsessed with sleep that I think it was preventing me from sleeping.  I even tried multiple "natural" sleep aids all of which was just a waste of $$$$$. 

 

Staying busy was and is key for me.  Unfortunately now I can't sit at the computer for an extended period of time becuz of the neck pain.  Maybe I'll get more housework done

[[Lo...]]

Hey Skooter,

I was just catching up on your thread. Been going thru withdrawals myself and can SOOOOO relate to what you are going thru. I never imagined that anything could be this hard. The mental anguish is terrible at times, but, as I tell myself, this WILL pass. Maybe not as fast as some others or in the time frame that I would like, but it will. What's the other option?? Going back to a benzo and going thru all of this again one day....NO WAY! I don't think I could bear to start from day 1 again (knowing now first hand what it is like).

 

I know how easy it is to get "stuck" in our mind; it can be a horrible prison that just feeds the intrustive thoughts (from the withdrawals) and can lead to panic, depression, anxiety, etc. One thing about being on a benzo, our emotions were numbed. Now, it's like a floodgate has been opened and I am overfeeling (after 7 years of being numb)....everything! One thing I am learning how to do, is when I get a thought/emotion that makes me feel out of control, paniced, scared, sad, etc. I talk outloud about it. I say my deepest fear and then speak truth to that fear. For example, I fear our son graduating from high school this May and leaving home. I tell myself, all kids grow up, it's wonderful that he is getting a high school diploma and didn't drop out, accept the fact that I can't stop time and instead enjoy everyday that I still have with him at home, think of a friend whose son died at age 21 and be thankful that ours is still alive and well, be thankful that he is going to a university that is only 25 minutes away, etc. It's facing my fears/strong emotions, but talking about the good things/truths about them and about what I don't have control over and that it's ok not to have control over it. Does this make any sense at all?

 

I know the fear you have about this all not ending. But, it will. Just like after you get a cut or a bruise, it heals over time and is gone. Or an illness or a surgery. It will just take time. I know how every minute can feel like an eternity, but it will not always be this way. Try to find things to do. Even if you don't feel like doing them, once you start, you will feel better in the middle of it, and it will help get your mind off what you are going thru. Try not to get trapped in your mind; the mind is a very powerful thing and we do have the ability to think on the postives or the negatives. For our own health, we must try to think on the postives. I know what you mean about forgetting about all of this for a few minutes, then you are back in that "place" again and it's claustophobic at times. But, you will leave that place more and more and eventually, this will all be a distant memory. Oh yeah, it can only help to watch something funny or read a book of jokes. Laughter is good medicine; think how good a belly laugh feels! I know that all these things are easier said than done, but what else do we have to do with our long days?? I am praying for you....

 

Lori

[[Sw...]]

Hey Skooter,

 

I have no idea what time it is for you but I sure do hope you got some sleep. Skooter, believe me when I tell you that you will soon be getting some peaceful sleep. You will not worry about sleep because it will come naturally.

 

Swirl

[[sk...]]

 

HI again Swirl,

 

I managed to finally go to sleep at about 6 am, sept for 4 hrs, awoke for 1 hr, then slept for 2, up again for ? can't remeber duh, then fell asleep for another hr. And then the weirdest thing kept happening for the rest of the day into early evening I kept falling asleep while watching tv. Mostly for 20 min intervals but I just couldn't stay awake. I must be paying for it now with my symptoms back in full force. ARghh what hell this is.

 

Thanks for the posts. It helps when others come and support you. I am sure I would of really lost it and done something pretty bad by now if I hadn't found this site. Although it is still in the back of my mind when it becomes so intolerable I am trying my hardest, omg it is bad, hardest to not think that way!!!!!!!

 

Take care, hope you are well.

[[Sw...]]

Hi Skooter,

 

I'm so glad you got some sleep  . You described exactly what happened to me when I first started getting natural sleep. Soon you will be sleeping at night and you will realize that it was all worth it. There is nothing like benzo free sleep.

 

Swirl

[[Lo...]]

Hey Skooter,

I am also glad to see that you got some sleep and took 20 minute naps while watching TV. To fall asleep, it shows that your anxiety level has come down or you wouldn't have fallen asleep. All good signs and really "windows" in the sleep department. It will get better and better, over time.

 

When the symptoms get so intense/intolerable, just think how far you have come. Every day is progress and some degree of healing has taken place in your body (even though it doesn't feel like it). This is not easy to do, but try to accept the symptoms as they come. Don't fight them in your mind, just give into them. Speak your true symptoms out loud if you have too, but try not to say things to yourself like, "this won't ever go away, I can't do this anymore, What should I do to make this stop," etc. This only brings on more anxiety which actually makes the symptoms worse. This is a tough battle, but think how strong you will be when you get to the other side. I truly believe that after this experience, we will be able to cope a lot more with the "little things in life." It will probably take major things to shake us! Others have gotten thru this, and so can you and I. This too shall pass, Skooter!

 

Lori

 

 

[[...]]

Oh, the sleep issue. boy is that a problem !!!  The symptoms really rev up with little sleep.  But when sleep does finally come, the symptoms will lessen.  That is what happens to me.  Don't fight the little naps, they are beneficial.  Sleeping for 4 hours straight is great!!!!  I am always happy when I get more than 2 at a time. 

Last night I got 5...WOW  The only problem is that sometimes the more sleep I get, the more tired I feel.  I read somewhere that happens and not to be surprised by it.

 

Lori Lee gives great advice about speaking the truth about what is going on instead of telling yourself this is never going to end.  The truth really does set us free