How many people HAVE to work while tapering

[[th...]]

I get it darkside I have to start talking myself into it the night before. For me I have figured it is a good distraction and I'm thankful for that part' however I do feel much better at home. Its like a love/hate relationship but it is what it is..one second,one minute,one hour,one day at a time.

etown

 

It's sure is a battle etown, isn't it?  I call it 'showing up'.

 

Early in withdrawals I decided I had to 'show up' if I was ever really going to beat this stuff.  I'd wake up early in the morning waiting for ONE moment of clarity in 60 moments of insanity to get out the door.  I still do this to a certain extent today.   

 

 

 

 

THIS.  I need to work this into my schedule. 

 

Getting out the door and to work and not giving up before that is an insane struggle.  I am in a difficult situation with my job as far as attendance goes, and even missing one day will put me in a really bad position where I will be risking my job.  Once I'm there it seems to be intensely difficult until about mid-day, and then it gets a little easier to deal with until my final two hours 4-6PM (Here I am again....) and then it's just holding myself together until I get out.

 

One thing I want to vent about right now is falling apart EVERY day after work.  I just try so damn hard to keep myself from losing it completely, barely holding myself together, so that as soon as I get out it all just hits me.  I'm so scared of it having a negative impact on my personal relationships, which I've pretty much all but had to put on hiatus, except for my partner who I spend almost every day with.  He's patient than I am, that's for sure.

 

I don't know if this is how it is for most people, but my at-work relationships have taken a serious blow.  I am sort of shrugging it off because I mean, I don't have any super close friends here, but I struggle even making just small-talk, and avoid everyone as much as possible.  Some days I walk in and out without even speaking to anyone but the customers I have to deal with over the phone.  It's depressing, but not as much as my real-life friendships that I can't face either.

 

Really wish I had the option to quit.  Or take leave.  But just imagining the problems that would cause sends my heartrate flying.  Sometimes I wish people knew what I was dealing with, like maybe they'd give me a little bit of a break if they knew?  But would they even understand?  HHHHH. 

[[et...]]

Hey Brave I get it totally. Thanks for coming to this thread and venting that's what we are here for. We all pretty  much affected relationships when we took this drug to start with let alone while tapering. I'm so sorry you are srtill having problems that affect your work. I know things will get better for you as the days pass and we'll laugh about this experience at some point. Until then, we need to be there for each other and that's why we hope to hear from you regularily. I want you to vent to me and the quality people on this thread do too. Vent away dear friend! Stay the course and you will be rewarded along with the great people around us during this time. People that aren't doing this simply don't understand and why should they, they just don't have the capacity to understand as hard as they try. My boss kind of gets it then she calls me and asks me to go tomorrow to put out a fire. That's what I've always done so she probably just forgot. To be fair to her I did say I didn't want special treatment. Stupid me!

etown

[[Ch...]]

How many people are reading/posting on BB from work?

 

**raises hand**

 

Guilty as charged.  A lot of the time I just log in and keep it up in the background so I can check every once in a while to assure myself I am not crazy and other people are dealing with this also.  Other days I am on it a lot.  Thankfully things have gotten easier in some respects but maintain status in others.  The worst time seems to be mornings when the anxiety is the highest so if I can get past 11 AM I much better.

 

I have tried to speak about all this to coworkers but either they don't understand or don't want to understand so I have gotten really good at hiding it all and working at my own pace. 

 

I may be on here reading and posting but this is what my boss sees------->  http://serve.mysmiley.net/characters/character0148.gif

 

Hope everyone is having a productive day!!!

 

 

[[th...]]

Thanks etown, I really appreciate those words.  Recently it's been so intense, at work during the day it gives me some deformed sense of ease to read around BB and know that I'm not alone in the world, even if I feel very much so where I am sometimes, with all the encouraging and educational posts.  Can't wait to look back on this and laugh!  Hopefully though, I'll be able to draw on it as an experience I've learned from, especially coping skills to battle my base anxiety once all the w/d crap stops.

 

I found it really cool you were able to share that with your boss.  I'm coming to realize that it's not the same kind of w/d I would have been ashamed of, like when a few years ago I kicked an opiate addiction.  That was a terrible w/d, but very cut and dry compared to benzos (for me), but I was very embarassed by my situation-- Or, wasn't keen on sharing it with anyone in my life except on a need-to-know basis.  But yesterday I found myself talking about my w/d this girl who's new here and has been shadowing me occasionally as part of her training.  For some reason I just felt really able to talk to her, but the fact that I was able to share it with someone not on a need-to-know basis in my life was kinda interesting.  I didn't go super into it, just a little bit as she was wondering why I wasn't feeling great.  I was having a hell of a time keeping it together while doing my job and her watching, so it was relieving to explain why I might not be on top of my game.  Was kind of a neat feeling.  Anyway /ramble   Thank you for your support and for reading this.  Calm wishes to all<3

[[et...]]

China cool post! Brave...see? Sometimes people that you don't expect will be there for you are. Its liberating to tell the right people isn't it? Its sucks to try to tell the wrong people. I have limited my personal stuff to a few people that need to know too. I just don't need the added stress of the need to know people wondering what happened to my edge. So...it is what it is. Like I said some day we'll look back and laugh at what a pain in the butt this whole thing has been. Keep us posted, you sound much better than your first post.

etown

[[el...]]

Hi gang, are we having fun yet?

 

I had to work while on benzos and while tapering - 17 years like that.  I was in hell. Some of the hell was from the benzos/tapering, some of the hell was corporate america and corporate american players, and some of it was me.

 

I had a lot of practice working when I was messed up - in high school and college as part of the drug subculture, while smoking cannabis and taking whatever pills were popular at the time.  No "hard drugs".  So, when I ended up working while withdrawing, I already knew the ropes.  You have to "maintain" as we used to call it.

 

My friends here who don't have to work have no idea how lucky they are.  Work becomes hell.  The job you used to love becomes your mother-in-law (I apologize to all the nice mother-in-laws out there, I'm only kidding although you better watch yourself and make sure you don't become the stereotype - your family wants to love you for your inner beauty ).

 

I worked for years - database administrator and software engineer while on benzos and tapering.  Big companies(IBM was just one of em) and I did highly technical work (built databases, put out highly technical fires, designed software, designed data models, troubleshooted yak yak yak) while on benzos and withdrawing.  You can already guess how that went.  Anxiety/depression cycles as you can imagine (but worse). I had bipolar symptoms (still do and still have anxiety/depression).  I managed to pull it off all those years but finally broke down a year ago and could not take another step.

 

Turns out, benzos or bipolar were not my biggest problems (as a living human).  I have parkinson's disease and it decided to get an early start.  My mother has it and I sprayed agent orange when I was young (don't ask, I don't talk about it) - so I have both the genetic and environmental factors.  It's a roll of the dice and the price we pay for playing the game of being human and alive.  (it's worth it anyway).

 

So I had to give up working about a year ago - had no choice at all.  Just couldn't do it.  But, because it was PD more than the benzos, I'm not the typical case.  You all have a better chance of succeeding at work than I did (and I made it 17 years!). Man are my wings tired...

 

Looking back, here is my advice:

 

Level I

If you don't have to work, don't work.

If you want to work, work.

If you have to work, work.

 

Level II

If you have to work, set some rules for your self, depending on your situation.

 

Rule #1: don't tell anybody who doesn't need to know.  It's too risky.

 

Rule #2: don't tell anybody (even your "friends" and especially your nonnuclear relatives) that you are addicted.  Tell them you are having a reaction to a medication and am tapering off per your doctor's orders.  Tell them it's steroids, they can handle that (the truth is not always the right thing to do, never was).

 

Rule #3: learn to control your environment as much as you can.  Don't walk into traps or setups (you know what I mean).  This includes managing the people in your life all the way down to your significant other if you are unlucky enough to have one.  Avoid confrontations, don't call attention to yourself, in short - pretend that you are an alien from outer space trying to go unnoticed while you wait for your alien armada to come and take over the world...

 

Elwood over and out

[[el...]]

I also should point out that if you work for the government or corporate america, you run the risk of them finding out that you visit this site if you do it at work or use their equipment at home and/or go thru their VPN (Virtual Private Network)

 

It depends on the environment you are in.  There are programs that paranoid employers can get that will spy on your activity and they are in use - pretty much the same scenario as security cameras.  Yeah, you're being watched but nobody is paying attention until after a crime gets committed.  (Don't you just hate that word "committed"?)

 

If you have any enemies in high places in your organization, limit your site usage to home.

 

On the flip side, the software costs money and these days IT departments have orders to cut costs as much as possible (outsourcing instead of hiring locals, not upgrading hardware before it becomes too slow, etc.).  So, what people are actually doing at their desks becomes low priority unless the culture of the organization is one that fosters paranoia.

 

Bottom line (30 years experience in IT speaking): it's better to be safe than sorry.  Don't visit any mental health or drug or ? sites while at work.  Chances are you won't get caught and there won't be any ramifications, but it's your call. 

Me, I did all that stuff at home.

 

If you have been visiting this or other sites, no need to panic - chances are it will be categorized as "screwing around" which everybody does (I did) and everybody knows everybody does but nobody talks about it (what's that sound like? cheating on your taxes, using cheap motor oil, etc.).  But I would advice that you not continue doing this at work - you are asking for trouble.

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I know how corporations and government work from experience....

 

Elwood out

 

PS: this also applies to email.  And, furthermore and heretowith, you may want to consider covering your tracks on your computer in general regarding any personal stuff.  See my upcoming article in "Elwood's Guide to Being A Living Human On Earth in the year 2013 (my condolences, BTW)"...

[[et...]]

Elwood I have  to change my pissy pants now I laughed so much. Its cool you still have a sense of humour. We need you on this thread man. You are an inspiration! Holy crap I'm still laughing! Just had the day from hell so I nedded that.

etown

[[el...]]

Ok all enjoy our anthem!

etown

 

I just discovered this thread - fantastic.  Video added to the Elwood Collection - The Broken Years...

[[el...]]

Elwood I have  to change my pissy pants now I laughed so much. Its cool you still have a sense of humour. We need you on this thread man. You are an inspiration! Holy crap I'm still laughing! Just had the day from hell so I nedded that.

etown

 

I'm just getting started.  I could bore you to tears of laughter with all the stuff I've been through over the last 17 years...   but you wouldn't believe it, yes you would, no you won't, (repeat until done)

 

I'm always glad to help my people.  We're all in this together, like it or not.  United we stand, divided we fall.

 

the bear

[[Ch...]]

Hiya VF Elwood!  Nice to see you outa your blog!

 

We get trained every year on puter do's and don'ts.  Here is my take on this.  And yes I am posting from home.  LOL.  I don't care!  Twenty four years of a perfect record so the worst they could do is maybe give me a write up and tell me to knock it off.  Now if I was on porn sites that would be a whole new kettle of fish.  Plus I am retirement eligible so I could just sit at the house and collect my pension.  Not really ready to do that yet but I could.  Am already in financial difficultly anyways from years on the klonicide (yes I stole that from you and I am NOT giving it back ) letting people suck me dry.  But thanks for the heads up cause some people may not be aware.

 

Hey etown, Elwood is a hoot!!!  If your having a stressful day and need to laugh just go read his blog. 

[[el...]]

Yo China Doll,

 

Right on as we say at the North/South pole.  Glad you liked my post.  Uh, I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, okay?

 

the bear

[[et...]]

Where I live...tomorrow is Friday....ya...hang out wife my wife this weekend and chill

etown

[[ba...]]

being around other people for 8 hours a day and being able to act normal and even make dumb jokes and stuff really helps me remind myself that I'm not insane.

 

+1

 

This.

 

I work with kids. Which is why I don't say a whole hell of a lot at work about the Bipolar or Xanax tapering.

 

If nothing else, it makes me get up and see the human race. And I'm not in a human race seeing mood at the moment. 

 

My boss is the most bland, unemotional human on the planet, and makes the job 100% more miserable than it needs to be. I should take that as a blessing. She doesn't notice the slight hand tremors, or my less than bubbly self. I probably could feed my head through a wood chipper and she wouldn't look up.

 

I look at work this way. If I was in the locked unit, no matter how physically ill, those nurses would drag me out of bed, make me get dressed, and go to therapies. If I didn't, my shrink would raise so much holy hell, I would have wished I'd left  my room.

 

Much better to get up and get paid, than making bead necklaces in OT.

 

*Onward!*

 

Bat

[[Th...]]

I Am on my feet all day!  My feet and legs hurt the second I get out of bed.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse

[[ba...]]

I Am on my feet all day!  My feet and legs hurt the second I get out of bed.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse

 

I hear you on the muscle pain. This week for me has been unreal. The pain is actually waking me up. The small tendons/joints/whatever in my feet are driving me insane!

 

I'm on my feet the whole time at work. If I sit, I just dread trying to get back up, and that hurts worse than running around or standing.

 

Hope you can have a restful weekend.

 

*Onward!*

 

Bat

[[Th...]]

You too batdance

[[et...]]

Hey Bat nice post and welcome on board we need you here to join our mottly crew. All us battling through different work issues. Dark keep checking in every day. We have an awesome group here. Rant, rave, vent whatever but also truth, perseverance, and healing. We will all get there (without the wood chipper). I just love coming here during or after my day and reading all the neat stuff. You guys are awesome and I think of you when the ceiling starts to spin at my office or some jacko complains about the stupidess things. When I get my life back I wil never not take time to smell the coffee.

etown

[[th...]]

<3!  Truly enjoyed these posts.

 

 

Just wanted to also say HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL.  phew..  The promise of the weekend is what's gonna get me through this day.

[[...]]

Hi Elwood

 

I have not got a clue how I found your post but my did I need a  after I read what you wrote about being spied on I have two son's both Network managers so I do know what goes on in the work place with regards to being spied on.

 

I did not realise that any tom, dick or harry can just type my bb name and hey presto they can see all that I have written which is troubling at times but then they have to know who you are as we are somewhat in disguise by our names we use. Good job really the things that are discussed on the forum. It is a shame that what we write can just be amongst members only.

 

Duck or DD 

 

 

[[ba...]]

I got a 3 day weekend, but no rest for the wicked! Dear Kid has a birthday party this Sunday. 

and I'm not really in the moment. I hate dealing with extended family, and am taking one for the team.

 

It's the home life that can be worse than work sometimes. At least at my job, there are boundaries on how/what type of human interaction can take place.

 

At home the gloves are OFF! 

 

Peaceful vibes to everyone.

 

*Onward!*

 

Bat

[[et...]]

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig. Here ya bat but still glad the week is over. I always get a way better rest when I don't have to go to work the next day.

etown

[[el...]]

Hi Elwood

 

I have not got a clue how I found your post but my did I need a  after I read what you wrote about being spied on I have two son's both Network managers so I do know what goes on in the work place with regards to being spied on.

 

I did not realise that any tom, dick or harry can just type my bb name and hey presto they can see all that I have written which is troubling at times but then they have to know who you are as we are somewhat in disguise by our names we use. Good job really the things that are discussed on the forum. It is a shame that what we write can just be amongst members only.

 

Duck or DD 

 

 

You guys are all great.  Everybody sounds like me.

 

Nothing is private on the internet.  And beware "the cloud".  However, if you post in the blogs section, the search machines won't find you and it won't show up on searches (atm).

 

I prefer to stay in the shadows.  Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of humans?...

[[Be...]]

Hi Elwood

 

I have not got a clue how I found your post but my did I need a  after I read what you wrote about being spied on I have two son's both Network managers so I do know what goes on in the work place with regards to being spied on.

 

I did not realise that any tom, dick or harry can just type my bb name and hey presto they can see all that I have written which is troubling at times but then they have to know who you are as we are somewhat in disguise by our names we use. Good job really the things that are discussed on the forum. It is a shame that what we write can just be amongst members only.

 

Duck or DD 

 

 

 

Nothing is private on the internet.  And beware "the cloud".

 

Oh great, there's more!!!! lol

What in the hell is "the cloud"?  I don't get out enough.

 

 

[[lk...]]

Hi everyone!!!! Just saw this post! I have seen a lot of people on here that do not work. I don't have that luxury and I am actually not sure I would want to be home all day everyday. Now don't get me wrong. There are days that I in no way shape or form want to get up and go to work but it helps. It gets my mind off of me and onto something else. I am a hairdresser so I am standing all day and interacting with people all day long. I have to be nice and pleasant and I truly believe that its fake it till you make it is a great motto!!! Some days I have no get up and go and am exhausted and feel horrible but somehow I get to work and I "have" to perk up and it helps!! Luckily I work 3-4 days a week and not 5 so thats a perk!!!! If I would be home 24/7 I would end up in a funk that I might not come out of.

 

NIce to meet you all!!!

 

Lisa