How many people HAVE to work while tapering

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Do you guys think that being in a stressful job can be a good thing while dealing with w/d / anxiety because perhaps it forces you to deal with your issues quicker than being in a non-stressful environment all the time? or perhaps i'm just slowly deteriorating by having to go through w/d and work a stressful job?

[[et...]]

Lisa thanks for joining us wee need you over here. Niko work is a double edged sword for me. I do admit it is a distraction and passes time, however, I know I could probably get through the taper faster if I was home. I need to work so I guess the later will not happen.

etown

[[Wi...]]

Do you guys think that being in a stressful job can be a good thing while dealing with w/d / anxiety because perhaps it forces you to deal with your issues quicker than being in a non-stressful environment all the time? or perhaps i'm just slowly deteriorating by having to go through w/d and work a stressful job?

Niko,

 

I don't really think there is such a thing as a non-stressful environment.  Being home all the time has challenges of it's own.  And while I think additional stress makes w/d harder, I don't believe it causes deterioration, just can be very wearing.  I guess what I'm trying to say is to do the best you can in dealing with stressors, but try to find ways to take care of yourself at the same time.  If that means having good food around your house so there isn't a lot of prep when you get home.  Or take as much off hour down time as you can.  Do what you can at work but despite the pressure, try not to beat yourself up if you are feeling bad, or tired or overwhelmed.  This is a tough spot to be in, but it won't always be so.

 

WWWI

[[sp...]]

Do you guys think that being in a stressful job can be a good thing while dealing with w/d / anxiety because perhaps it forces you to deal with your issues quicker than being in a non-stressful environment all the time? or perhaps i'm just slowly deteriorating by having to go through w/d and work a stressful job?

 

I think dealing with stress during all this is tremendously positive and helpful as long as you're able to handle it reasonably. If something just makes me crazy to the point of it seeming intolerable, that's not helpful.

[[...]]

First of all, this thread is fun.

 

I do anything I want at work provided it is not about going to places that I would be really ashamed to be.

 

There is nothing here that I am the least bit embarrassed about or ashamed about. I have had terrible headaches for decades, and now they are gone. I used to need a prescription, now I don't. I want to stop it. I heard that it is really hard to quit benzos. It is. And I really like having support plus reading about how other people have gone through it.

 

Every person who is important in my life knows that that I used Klonopin, and why. And everyone has been supportive in my attempt to get it out of my life.

 

I take my own laptop to work though!

 

For me work is mostly a welcome distraction. I also like my work, and I like most of the people I work with. I have worked for decades while in great pain (the headaches), and now that I am pain free almost anything seems small in comparison to that.

 

 

[[lk...]]

I agree with a lot said. I think if your stress is manageable and your job can help distract you from how you feel then its a plus! No I don't always want to go into work. Today wasn't fun. My head was screaming and my neck and shoulders were hurting but I had to go in and do hair. I didn't feel fabulous by any stretch but it did help me to get my mind off of how bad I was feeling. If I had been home sitting in my chair with the tv on and the computer on my lap then I would have slowly declined most likely. Being productive makes me feel better mentally I think. My job can be stressful a lot of the time but it doesn't affect me in a way that I can't handle if that makes sense.

 

Lisa

[[et...]]

Hi Gaer yes this thread is fun. A lot of  cool people who could be pissing and moaning but don't. Perfect place to vent when we get tired of the work scene but usually pretty positive. Hey Lisa glad u made it through your shift. See we all just keep going like the little engine that could. Won't we be an awesome group when we can put this behind us. I have been working at a trade show all weekend and its all good. Sore as heck but whatever I'm still sucking air lol

etown

[[lk...]]

haha etown............sucking air is better then the alternative!!!

 

Perspective is EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Lisa

[[et...]]

BINGO WAS HIS NAME OOOOOOOOOOOOOH

etown

[[lk...]]

So is it that we don't give ourselves permission to give up?? Or is it just that we gotta do what we gotta do? I don't think my kids or job would look kindly on me just throwing in the towel!! lol  My dog would go insane!!!

[[et...]]

Are we all type A personalities on this thread. Seems to be this common thread among us. Pretty cool actually. Just a guess and does'nt matter anyway. Just seems to be alot of people that believe giving up would be giving in and we're not about to do that any time soon. I hope to collect all the workers and taperers on this thread. We can have some fun here and help each other cope at the same time. We can't be afraid to be serious with each other too. Look back on this thread, there were some pretty serious comments.

etown

[[...]]

Are we all type A personalities on this thread. Seems to be this common thread among us. Pretty cool actually. Just a guess and does'nt matter anyway. Just seems to be alot of people that believe giving up would be giving in and we're not about to do that any time soon. I hope to collect all the workers and taperers on this thread. We can have some fun here and help each other cope at the same time. We can't be afraid to be serious with each other too. Look back on this thread, there were some pretty serious comments.

etown

YUP!!!!!!!!

 

I HATE to lose. I have always been that way. I got away from doing competitive things as I got older, so I probably don't appear that way. Or maybe mostly I compete with myself now. Dunno. But to set a goal and then to back down, that is really hard for me. And it's not what I teach. When I teach, I tell people that the only thing that is important in the long run is NEVER give UP. Just hang in there.

 

I just hit three days off Klonopin. I've never been here before. I have not been totally off benzos since around age 30. A few days ago I did not even know what "benzo" meant. I didn't know Klonopin was a "benzo". I just knew it was like Valium, and I've heard for many years how bad Valium is.

 

Back to the work thing: I think that work can center us. I think that on bad days it can go either way. We can feel like we just can't face it, and maybe we really can't on a bad day. We just fake through it. But other days it turns around, as other people have said.

[[sp...]]

Life doesn't wait. A conservative thing to do would have been to hold on to my old lower stress job for as long as possible until I was benzo free. Screw that! I saw an opportunity to take a better job, aggressively pursued it, and got it, mid taper.

 

I was LOONY when i started this job. Tinnitus, dpdr, the works. Somehow I managed to get stuff done through all that, enough that people at my new job seem to think I'm some kind of asskicker.

 

Having a solid support network in place has been really crucial for me, and I credit that with a lot of my success. I certainly don't think I'm better than people who have not been able to work through this - I'm just unbelievably grateful that I have.

[[ra...]]

All,

 

Type A all the way.  I have actually been kicked off for posting inappropriate things, about a few topics, but in particular about the importance of challenging ourselves.  I was very stressed, and posted my mind in inappropriate ways, but I think it is appropriate to say that I believe 1000000000% that those who heal the fastest are those who challenge themselves the most.

 

I find each thing I do makes it easier to do that thing.  I worked as soon as I stopped twitching and hallucinating.  7 weeks ago I got back into the gym.  3 weeks ago I made significant improvements to my diet.  Next week I will tackle benzo belly.

 

I also think it is the responsibility of type A's to help others.  That is why I encourage everyone to do all they can.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[Wi...]]

No life doesn't wait.  I watched much of my life go by the wayside as a result of w/d.  But in my gut I knew no matter what I had to do, if I didn't keep working there was a very good chance I would fall into a hole, emotionally and financially, that I may never be able to dig myself out of.  After the last several years of illness, w/d et all, I genuinely do not believe I have it in me to start over again.  So the daily fight continues in order to mitigate the damage already done and maintain what I haven't already lost.

[[Wi...]]

I am motivated and competitive with myself and very stubborn, but I don't think I am now nor have ever been a type A.  And Ramcon1 not to be contrary, but I don't see this as needing to challenge myself.  The challenge is inherent and for me it's simply the a matter of survival with, again, mitigating as much damage as I can. I also don't like feeling I am responsible for others.  But I do know that when I can, I reap the benefit of providing support to those I can. 

[[...]]

I'm not sure I am type A either. A lot of ground is covered with this label. Mostly I hate to lose to myself. I set goals, I think realistic ones, and I don't like failing. But how we set up the definition of "failure" in our minds is the whole matter, I think. If goals are reasonable, not giving up on getting to them is reasonable. Unrealistic goals, on the other hand... Not good...

[[et...]]

Interesting posts all....welcome Ramcon and thank you for being appropriate. Well so much for the type A theory, but we definately have a lot in common, must be the work. I worked a trade show all weekend and it was too much but I did make it. I'm not sure I welcomed the "challenge" but I did it, toughed it out and here I am. So I do get your point Ramcon, I just think the way I used to challenge myself is kinda on the shelf right now but I still add a good challenge when I can. This is a rough night for me so I have to check out for now and begin the wind down process so I will not be up all night.

etown

[[...]]

Interesting posts all....welcome Ramcon and thank you for being appropriate. Well so much for the type A theory, but we definately have a lot in common, must be the work. I worked a trade show all weekend and it was too much but I did make it. I'm not sure I welcomed the "challenge" but I did it, toughed it out and here I am. So I do get your point Ramcon, I just think the way I used to challenge myself is kinda on the shelf right now but I still add a good challenge when I can. This is a rough night for me so I have to check out for now and begin the wind down process so I will not be up all night.

etown

Wind down process - I wish I had one. I know what I USED to have, but things are so unpredictable now. I just sort of keep going until I get a feeling that I am really tired, and at that point if I get quiet, then usually I go to sleep for at least a short period.

 

I'm not sure I welcome any challenge right now except staying of benzos. This is too new for me, and it has to remain front and center. That said, I think whenever we get through things we used to, with "assistance", it is a confidence booster. I can fool myself, although I don't want to, but I can't fool my family, my friends and my students. Work for me is not just showing up. It means remaining tactful and connected, and it means listening and caring. I did not think I could do that while going through so much "on the inside", but people have told me I am doing fine. So I figure if I can make it through now, which is really hard, the future should be easier. Now, moving through the rest of April, then on to the summer will be a test of whether or not I'm right.

[[ra...]]

Gaer,

 

My theory is that using our brains to function at work (or anything) helps us heal.  At first, I was just showing up, but soon after I became engaged in my work, and it seems to have helped.  I think this is what you are experiencing as well when you are staying "tactful and connected."

 

My other theory is that one of the symptoms of withdrawal is that we perceive ourselves as worse than we are.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[Ch...]]

I am not going to lie.  There have been days when all I did was show up.  I have 1200 hours of sick leave on the books which I will lose when I retire but somehow I knew if I fell into the "just call in sick" routine I would completely lose it.  On my good days I am extra productive to make up for it. 

 

Thankfully I am finding it easier to interact with people.  I am better able to follow conversations which was a real challenge while tapering and when I first jumped.  Seems like everything is thankfully getting better.  I do believe forcing myself to get up and go to work, whether I was a 100 percent or not, has helped me to heal faster.  I was on another thread where they were discussing "brain exercises" and most agreed the stimulation of stress free distractions like word puzzles and such helped.  Of course trying to "act normal" (not sure I was ever really that ) at work has been a stressor in itself, but necessary and in the long run helpful.

 

So today I am doing OK.  Getting things done, joined in the morning converstation of "what did you do this weekend?" in the conference room.  Splurged on a half a cup of coffee (gawd I miss my coffee) http://www.picgifs.com/smileys/smileys-and-emoticons/coffee/smileys-coffee-593319.gif and now it is time to accomplish something. 

 

Have a Great Day All...

 

China

[[...]]

Gaer,

 

My theory is that using our brains to function at work (or anything) helps us heal.  At first, I was just showing up, but soon after I became engaged in my work, and it seems to have helped.  I think this is what you are experiencing as well when you are staying "tactful and connected."

 

My other theory is that one of the symptoms of withdrawal is that we perceive ourselves as worse than we are.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

I agree. That said, the old "fake it to you make" it idea can also lead to real feelings of being OK and being connected. I went to work Saturday thinking I would just fake my way through, smiles, charm, sort of maintenance teaching. But after I got to work, I actually was very strongly involved in the lessons of several students. And the lessons in which I was not so connected where those in which the people did not do much work. I always have to fake through those a bit.

 

So far "cogfog" has been minor for me, but it is definitely there. One of the things I do most effortlly is touch typing. I am very fast. I type almost as fast as I talk - my way of talking is rather slow and deliberate. I keep typing stupid words that I swear are coming from nowhere. Sometime in the last couple days I was talking about my "waste", and yesterday when I accidentally reread a post, I started laughing.

 

My "waste" seems bloated? How about WAIST.  Jeeesh...

 

On Saturday I was trying to sort several piano charts, things I created for my students. I have different versions, one with letters, then one without. But I have two for E-pianos (they have smaller keys) and two for acoustic piano. There are left and right pages, so even on a good day they are a pain in the a$$.

 

It took me 15 minutes to try to sort them, and I gave up. Later I got them fully sorted. I could read and play complicated music in lessons, but that one easy task was irritating and frustrating.

 

But I'm starting to have a sense of humor about all this. I have always been absent-minded. For years I had to count to 5 before walking out the door: keys, glasses, wallet, cell phone, PILLS. I did not dare go out the door without this simple check or I would find myself in traffic with no glasses, or need to pay for something later with no glasses, or get outside the door and be unable to lock the front door, or get to work and have no phone.

 

What was my greatest fear? Getting away from the house WITH NO PILLS. I'd feel for the small bottle in my pocket, no pills. PPPP AAA NNN III CCC.

 

Now I count to five, then realize I only have to count to four. Last night I found my thing of pills. I had forgotten where I put them because I stopped using them. I had this weird sensation. A week ago I was carefully finding the tiny 1/4 tabs, counting every hour until I gave myself permission to take the next tiny little amount. The thought of staring at that sliver of chemicals, so small, and realizing that not taking that little sliver put me into a mental stated I could not believe.

 

Then realizing (I think last night) that I could throw that bottle out.

 

What a feeling of freedom...

 

 

[[th...]]

This is a great thread, just saying!

 

Gaer,

 

My theory is that using our brains to function at work (or anything) helps us heal.  At first, I was just showing up, but soon after I became engaged in my work, and it seems to have helped.  I think this is what you are experiencing as well when you are staying "tactful and connected."

 

My other theory is that one of the symptoms of withdrawal is that we perceive ourselves as worse than we are.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

I agree. That said, the old "fake it to you make" it idea can also lead to real feelings of being OK and being connected. I went to work Saturday thinking I would just fake my way through, smiles, charm, sort of maintenance teaching. But after I got to work, I actually was very strongly involved in the lessons of several students. And the lessons in which I was not so connected where those in which the people did not do much work. I always have to fake through those a bit.

 

So far "cogfog" has been minor for me, but it is definitely there. One of the things I do most effortlly is touch typing. I am very fast. I type almost as fast as I talk - my way of talking is rather slow and deliberate. I keep typing stupid words that I swear are coming from nowhere. Sometime in the last couple days I was talking about my "waste", and yesterday when I accidentally reread a post, I started laughing.

 

My "waste" seems bloated? How about WAIST.  Jeeesh...

 

On Saturday I was trying to sort several piano charts, things I created for my students. I have different versions, one with letters, then one without. But I have two for E-pianos (they have smaller keys) and two for acoustic piano. There are left and right pages, so even on a good day they are a pain in the a$$.

 

It took me 15 minutes to try to sort them, and I gave up. Later I got them fully sorted. I could read and play complicated music in lessons, but that one easy task was irritating and frustrating.

 

But I'm starting to have a sense of humor about all this. I have always been absent-minded. For years I had to count to 5 before walking out the door: keys, glasses, wallet, cell phone, PILLS. I did not dare go out the door without this simple check or I would find myself in traffic with no glasses, or need to pay for something later with no glasses, or get outside the door and be unable to lock the front door, or get to work and have no phone.

 

What was my greatest fear? Getting away from the house WITH NO PILLS. I'd feel for the small bottle in my pocket, no pills. PPPP AAA NNN III CCC.

 

Now I count to five, then realize I only have to count to four. Last night I found my thing of pills. I had forgotten where I put them because I stopped using them. I had this weird sensation. A week ago I was carefully finding the tiny 1/4 tabs, counting every hour until I gave myself permission to take the next tiny little amount. The thought of staring at that sliver of chemicals, so small, and realizing that not taking that little sliver put me into a mental stated I could not believe.

 

Then realizing (I think last night) that I could throw that bottle out.

 

What a feeling of freedom...

 

 

Woo hoo!!  I definitely agree with the liberation within that realization.  I think I would remember my pills before I would remember anything else.  I had forgotten the bottle a few times and struggled massively through the workday.  Then one time it happened as I was tapering and I realized that it was not necessarily a bad thing.  Then I did it intentionally.  Now I don't even think about it.  I am so proud of myself for going from 'Well, maybe I should just keep them around.. Just in case..'  to actually spitting out a piece (a sliver of less than 1/4 of a 1mg tablet) the last time I tried to take a tiny dose.  And now feeling this bitterness, resentment towards them, like "EFF YOU KLONOPIN, STAY OUT OF MY LIFE".  It's a healthy anger, I believe.

 

I agree with the 'fake it til you make it' sentiment though.  It's true that I woke up this morning several times to throw up, and then eventually dry heave for awhile.  What fun!   I started crying when my boyfriend was getting up, going into "I can't do thissssss" mode.  I honestly didn't feel like I was going to get out the door without falling on my hands and knees to continue gagging, thinking 'ALL IS LOST'.  (I have to laugh about it now, or I'll just start crying, haha) BUT-- Once I got out the door and in the car I immediately started negotiating with myself, about how I could manage it.  I realized that since my taper I have actually improved my attendance greatly!!  Out of some sort of skewed desparation to not let my life fall apart, I may actually be getting my shit together more than I had thought.  It's so funny to me right now, although I really honestly will bawl about it later until I make myself ill... But I have to hold onto the optimism when I can.

 

"Still sucking air", right?  Ahaha.

 

Wishing everyone strength this Monday. <3!

[[sp...]]

barely slept last night, was having serious sweats/etc (and took 1/16th mg clonazepam -- so i'm down to 1/8mg total for last week, i must be getting pretty damn close to being done) -- woke up feeling pretty DP/DR today, but here i sit, writing code...

 

at least we have beanbag couches at work, that's a big plus

[[Wi...]]

barely slept last night, was having serious sweats/etc (and took 1/16th mg clonazepam -- so i'm down to 1/8mg total for last week, i must be getting pretty damn close to being done) -- woke up feeling pretty DP/DR today, but here i sit, writing code...

 

at least we have beanbag couches at work, that's a big plus

What kind of code do you write? You have a fav language or are you multilingual?   Sorry you had a rough night.