I Look LIke Hell

[[Li...]]

Hey Candy!!

 

OMG...shades of "what the hell happened to my brain and my body"?  OH well....do you think we get our bodies back or are we in this to look like our mothers and chubby lil old ladies wearing babushkas??? I am always so grateful for this site!!

 

Sandy

[[Ca...]]

Sandy,

The weight will go away. The beno belly will disappear. Not soon enuf for me tho. Can't imagine losing wt any time soon when some days I'm confined to bed. Today being one of those days. Bless x candy

[[sa...]]

Ok, quick question on getting our bodies back. I know that benzo regulates muscle tone, but I have so little energy to do the things that helped me stay in shape, just getting out and about and walking around places probably helped, you know? So do you think it will be party recovery muscle but then part "need to work it back into shape?" Plus we will all be a bit older....I actually do more intentional work out ie: walking, yoga but way less walk around, play with my son etc.

 

This is such a weird experience~Nice to have place to roundtable it, though.

[[je...]]

Okay, this is really wierd.  Two years ago when I was tapering from klonopin, I never looked better.  Really!  I was single and several men proposed to me.  I married one of them, which is a good thing.  Also I am a senior not junior citizen.  However, during the last two years, my struggle with chipping at ativan and drinking, I am now officially a member of the "What happened to you--have you been ill club?"  However, I have so  much junk stuff going on inside that I am less concerned about the outside. 

 

Thanks for the laughs and honesty.  We are the best!

[[...]]

What happened to you--have you been ill club?"  However, I have so  much junk stuff going on inside that I am less concerned about the outside. 

 

Hahaha. I mean that is it exactly. Ha.

[[zo...]]

[

It's out of print.  But the good news is there is an updated version called Recovery and Renewal out in a couple of weeks on Amazon...

I looked it up on Amazon...search came back only with Runaway Husbands...one can only wish, sometimes... Rhapsody Girl,

 

Hello Challis.  If it helps you, here's the link on Amazon UK for the forthcoming edition of "Recovery and Renewal".

 

[nobbc]http://www.amazon.co.uk/Recovery-Renewal-Overcoming-Tranquillisers-Depressants/dp/095721300X[/nobbc]

 

Edit: Deactivate commercial link

[[al...]]

Okay, this is really wierd.  Two years ago when I was tapering from klonopin, I never looked better.  Really!  I was single and several men proposed to me.  I married one of them, which is a good thing.  Also I am a senior not junior citizen.  However, during the last two years, my struggle with chipping at ativan and drinking, I am now officially a member of the "What happened to you--have you been ill club?"  However, I have so  much junk stuff going on inside that I am less concerned about the outside. 

 

Thanks for the laughs and honesty.  We are the best!

 

 

did you loose weight as you tapered and wd

thats what has happen to me twice!

when i first started loss some unable to get pass 160

tapered and stopped lost weight

started again started to a little

stopped again lss weight

when i started this madness 190 ripped muscler

now 150 maybe scared to weigh myself

off 30 days today

[Guest [...]]

So is everyone looking fine.  Whats happened to this thread it needs a bump.  Surely there are many more people looking like hell

 

 

 

 

Lizzy

[[mp...]]

My hair got super curly and it's not falling out. My skin is super dry, scaly and ick. Thankfully it's not itchy! My fingernails have grown in kind of curled at the sides (weird) but I will never have acrylics again due to chemicals and cost. I have gained so much weight! I have lost a lot of muscle tone, even when I lost a huge amount of weight during the first couple of months in c/t, I was all loose flabby, it made me sick. I had a super concave stomach though! Now I have a gross huge stomach lying on my lap when I sit down. Oh, I wish I could just cut it off. My feet are perpetually swollen and I can't fit into most of my shoes. Conversely, all of my rings are too big. My face is bloated all the time. I had some weird blister like things on my face much earlier in w/d, but they are long gone now. All in all, not a pretty picture,  but I am so very grateful about having my life, if not my looks. 

[Guest [...]]

hey M

 

that is the best description so far.  Ive had the opposite problem huge weightloss.  I understand about wanting to cut the flabby bits of though if only it was that easy.  Thank goodness those blisters went that must of been dreadful thing to have . 

 

Im sure before long your looks will go back to exactly how you were before and you will go on and enjoy your life.

[[mp...]]

Thank you Id1: What I've come to realize is that any kindness by way of validation or recognition here on BB will most certainly help me get my life back.  Even more important for my own recovery is knowing I can still be of use/help to others. I am so very grateful at every moment to be back in this very real life. I am truly humbled by everyone here as they express all they are experiencing. We are truly all together. "Ugly" or not, we are still the most beautiful group of people ever! 

[Guest [...]]

hey mplsgrl

 

I so agree with you.  I was just catching up on some much needed beauty sleep haha.  However the stupid physical anxiety woke me up.  We have a saying here in australia which i love so ill share dont know if you know it or not.  BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP UGLY GOES RIGHT TO THE BONE.  Pity more people didnt go for the soul instead of just the looks.

 

BB has been a life saver Ive said it more than once and I to feel like we are all in this together.

 

So have most of your symptoms gone away now ?

 

Lizzy

[[kl...]]

HOO boy do I ever look like $%^! Sleep loss has taken a huge toll on me- I didn't think it was possible to look so rough at 26. 

 

mplsgrl, 

 

probably won't read this but judging from your name you live in the twin cities.  Seems I recall some past topics where people were trying to find other nearby buddies.  Anyways, I live in the twin cities.  Dunno why I'm even mentioning it here, super tired and spacey 

[[mp...]]

hey mplsgrl

 

I so agree with you.  I was just catching up on some much needed beauty sleep haha.  However the stupid physical anxiety woke me up.  We have a saying here in australia which i love so ill share dont know if you know it or not.  BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP UGLY GOES RIGHT TO THE BONE.  Pity more people didnt go for the soul instead of just the looks.

 

BB has been a life saver Ive said it more than once and I to feel like we are all in this together.

 

So have most of your symptoms gone away now ?

 

Lizzy

Hi Lizzy. You are truly one of the lovliest people on this board and I know everyone would agree with me.    In America we usually just say, "Beauty is only skin deep" and we leave off the rest of it, but it is so true! I have made huge progress in my nearly 1 year since c/t. My big issues always present: Insomnia, bloating, weight gain, complete loss of short term memory (which makes time go by since I can't remember yesterday  ) partial loss of mid term memory. Tinnitus (usually very loud), dry skin, curled finger nails, hungry all the time, "heaviness" in limbs, agoraphobia (bad), coughing, oh, too many to list. Things that have gotton better:  Paranoia, fearful thoughts, I am able to laugh and cry a little bit, dp/dr (way better!!), I can write a check and spell my name now, no fever, no over-sweating, better sight, hearing and smelling. The touch of my skin and fabrics doesn't bother me anymore at all.

 

The thing is, there are just too many symptoms, both gone and continuing, to list. And of course, I may not be able to remember everything. I can't seem to make myself get back to my journal, which was so vital to me the first three months. Wish I could. This part of my recovery is even more interesting and difficult to remember. I feel wounded but triumphant, maybe like a victorious soldier? 

[Guest [...]]

Hey Ms M

 

Was very nice to hear your words just then first thing this morning so thank you.  As you know or maybe dont I just rapid tapered so no c.t but pretty close and Ive only been home from hospital a week maybe like you it could be two for all I know my memory is shot to pieces.  The days just blend dont they from one into another and its usually how I wake up depends of what kind of day I will have.  Im currently going through a difficult situation on the home front as well.  Its hard to know if Im upset because of this or grieving for my loss here its kind of blended if you know what I mean like a double whammy its like Lizzy if your not feeling messed up enough here take this crap as well.  Anyway your symptoms thank goodness the fearful thoughts and paranoia have disappeared I find the fear stuff the worst I can take everything but that feeling of fear and dread is unbearable at times.

 

Sounds like you are definately on the up and up and you can laugh a little thats great isnt it.  I was watching this quiz show the other day and you know what I knew the answers but do you think i could get them out of my mouth.  Look like going back to work is a while away.  Im sorry that you have trouble with agoraphobia that would be dreadful but I can so easily see how it would happen.  You know you are getting better and your kind good things will come to you.  We just have to sit and wait and thank goodness we have so many great people to wait with right.

 

Lizzy

[[mp...]]

HOO boy do I ever look like $%^! Sleep loss has taken a huge toll on me- I didn't think it was possible to look so rough at 26. 

 

mplsgrl, 

 

probably won't read this but judging from your name you live in the twin cities.  Seems I recall some past topics where people were trying to find other nearby buddies.  Anyways, I live in the twin cities.  Dunno why I'm even mentioning it here, super tired and spacey 

Hi Julian, so very glad you posted exactly where I happened to be writing so I could find you. I currently live in California, but born/raised Minneapolis, you know, across Big Muddy. Sorry you're not feeling well!  You know I have that Minnesota thing where I immediately like you.  When I see a Minnesota license plate, I always think I know who the driver is, and that they are probably going to become a good friend. Meanwhile, when I visit home, of course there are thousands of people surrounding me that I don't bother with  but Oh, when I am far from home in this crazy place,  all of a sudden I am in love with every Minnesotan!

[Guest [...]]

hey M

 

Ive been to Minneapolis surely is that not the coldest place on earth and mind you I was only there changing planes seriously thought I was gonna die a long and painful death lol.

 

Lizzy

[[mp...]]

hey M

 

Ive been to Minneapolis surely is that not the coldest place on earth and mind you I was only there changing planes seriously thought I was gonna die a long and painful death lol.

 

Lizzy

Hey Lizzy! Yes, indeed, Minnesota always records the coldest temps every year (believe it or not). The thing you might now know is, being a fair minded state, it's death defyingly hot & humid in the summer! Would you believe 95 degrees with 100% humidity? Oh yeah, and then there are the mosquitos. I must say, between dry skin/frizzy hair in the winter and sweaty,oily skin/stringy hair in the summer, not a real pretty people!  (with apologies to Julian, I'm sure he's beautiful all the time).

[[mp...]]

Hey Ms M

 

Was very nice to hear your words just then first thing this morning so thank you.  As you know or maybe dont I just rapid tapered so no c.t but pretty close and Ive only been home from hospital a week maybe like you it could be two for all I know my memory is shot to pieces.  The days just blend dont they from one into another and its usually how I wake up depends of what kind of day I will have.  Im currently going through a difficult situation on the home front as well.  Its hard to know if Im upset because of this or grieving for my loss here its kind of blended if you know what I mean like a double whammy its like Lizzy if your not feeling messed up enough here take this crap as well.  Anyway your symptoms thank goodness the fearful thoughts and paranoia have disappeared I find the fear stuff the worst I can take everything but that feeling of fear and dread is unbearable at times.

 

Sounds like you are definately on the up and up and you can laugh a little thats great isnt it.  I was watching this quiz show the other day and you know what I knew the answers but do you think i could get them out of my mouth.  Look like going back to work is a while away.  Im sorry that you have trouble with agoraphobia that would be dreadful but I can so easily see how it would happen.  You know you are getting better and your kind good things will come to you.  We just have to sit and wait and thank goodness we have so many great people to wait with right.

 

Lizzy

Lizzy Dear One:  I am so sad to hear that you are having difficulties. What a stupid, awful thing to have to endure! I still do have difficulty getting things out of my mouth which is so frustrating. I am so grateful for the fear being gone. I had to have all my lights on 24/7 and this past week, I'm able to turn off all lights at night! I must admit, I am proud of myself with that one. I'm also able to keep my front terrace door open (screen closed and locked, not on first floor). Another big plus today: I was able to take a long shower without painful skin or terrors, I didn't hear any creeping noise from the intruder that wasn't there!  I am the biggest booster for THINGS GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME! 

Please do go ahead and call me "M", it makes things so much easier. 

[Guest [...]]

M

 

thanks for shortening your name for me.  Im so proud of you.  Your like a big girl now.  No lights wooohooooo.  The darkness doesnt terrify me its wakening up and feeling like crap again that terrifies me.  Intruder alert hey someone stole my car out the front of my house a few months back seems like I didnt have the energy to care as I still have been unable to go car shopping to replace it.  Who needs a car when you dont want to leave the house. 

 

anyway enjoy the night/day whatever you are in.  I just had breakfast on a overcast Saturday morning.

 

Lizzy

[[mp...]]

For me here in California, Lizzy, it's late afternoon, Friday. It's a gorgeous day out there. I enjoy it as I sit here behind closed drapes, which is just the way I like it now. Windows are filthy, can't bring myself to clean them.

 

If I gain anymore weight, I will indeed be the biggest girl ever!  :laugh:   My rush of fear upon waking was always accompanied by pounding heart, floods of adrenalin, I could hardly walk to the bathroom, it was more like lurch.  This has only been better last 2 days! But you know, I hardly sleep at all - 2/3 hours per day Max!  When this adrenalin settles down, I fear I will slip into a near coma to compensate for a year with no sleep.  M.

[Guest [...]]

M

 

u have a delightful sense of humour look at us just chatting like we were living nextdoor.  Ive decided to lay low today Ive had several very big days out and am feeling it today.  Im only 2 weeks out have to keep reminding myself of that.  I have high expectations and no support.  Im back to cooking cleaning (well trying to) if you get the energy please feel free to hop on a plane and come help clean my filthy windows.  Give me some of your weight then we can balance.  I have zero appetite force myself to eat otherwise i may die from starvation.  (not so long ago this was an appealing option).  sad but true.  NOT NOW THOUGH IM SO ALIVE not.  anyway regardless another day closer to living life again.  Cant believe you have been having this fear on wakening still until two days ago whats it about its horrible and everyone seems to get it.  Your like scared but there is nothing to be scared of.  I heard its because our system is so raw it must be terrified.  Wish I could point you in the direction of this thread where this guy is saying just push through the fear etc oh it makes me so mad reading stuff like that.  But I cant remember where it is lol otherwise i would tell you.

 

Lizzy

[[kl...]]

HOO boy do I ever look like $%^! Sleep loss has taken a huge toll on me- I didn't think it was possible to look so rough at 26. 

 

mplsgrl, 

 

probably won't read this but judging from your name you live in the twin cities.  Seems I recall some past topics where people were trying to find other nearby buddies.  Anyways, I live in the twin cities.  Dunno why I'm even mentioning it here, super tired and spacey 

Hi Julian, so very glad you posted exactly where I happened to be writing so I could find you. I currently live in California, but born/raised Minneapolis, you know, across Big Muddy. Sorry you're not feeling well!  You know I have that Minnesota thing where I immediately like you.  When I see a Minnesota license plate, I always think I know who the driver is, and that they are probably going to become a good friend. Meanwhile, when I visit home, of course there are thousands of people surrounding me that I don't bother with  but Oh, when I am fair from home in this crazy place,  all of a sudden I am in love with every Minnesotan!

 

aw  thanks.  Don't blame you for leaving MN however I love it here personally too much to leave anytime soon- i have a lot here to live for if I ever get outta the house again.    Actually I got dragged out for breakfast this morning, and although I'm glad I went, it's not fun having people stare at you when you're a wreck. 

[[mp...]]

Lizzy, There's so much stuff I just don't feel up to talking about, what I consider "My Own True Story", but I do know what it's like to just push through that fear. It's kind of like being on a rollercoaster. You truly feel like you're going to die, yet you know you really will not (but maybe you will!)

 

I initially had no apetite, and I dropped so much weight, I had nothing to wear my first day out after c/t, had to borrow something from tiny old mum!  I sure have made up for it now! Can't promise it will happen to you, but from what I've read, seems very likely.

 

Your expectations aren't too high, if you believe you will get better all the time, even through set-backs, well - YOU ARE RIGHT! I'm sorry to hear you have no support, that's rough. Without BB, I would be not of this world anymore, that's for sure. You have support here, people love you. At your stage of things, taking it 1 hour at a time is not out of the question.

 

Who knows, maybe one day I will hop that plane and we can do your windows together.  :-* :-* M.

[[je...]]

Want to bring this thread up for air since some of us are experiencing looking awful--at least that's what we think.