I can’t do it, the hole I dug myself is too deep! I didn’t even know what benzos were.

[[Pe...]]

I’m so afraid to continue, the hole I’ve dug myself is wayyyyy too deep. I don’t think I can do it. 

 

I want to start this out by saying I was not aware that benzodiazepines could do this. I’ve been prescribed these multiple times ever since I was 15. Ambien, lunesta, restoril, klonopin, Xanax, Ativan, gabapentin, all I high doses for long periods of time, and then rapid tapered off. This was all while being prescribed lots of psych meds and antidepressants. I didn’t ever know that one reason I was incredibly sick was PAWS.

 

So 5 years ago I was put back on 3mg of lunesta and huge doses of gabapentin 1,800mg (just at night for sleep). Then 2.5 years ago Ativan 0.5 was added, and then 2 years ago it was up to 2mg of Ativan at bedtime with the lunesta and gabapentin.

 

I am also very chronically ill, and have been totally disabled by it since I was 13 years old. It means I can’t exercise without risk of permanently worsening my condition. I’m bedbound and incredibly sick even though I’m just in my early 30s. I realized I was having intra-dose withdrawal, when online someone suggested that was a possibility. All of my symptoms: sore throat, nausea, lack of appetite, insomnia, panic, sweats and chills, burning neuropathy pain, extreme weakness, bone pain, light sensitivity, breathlessness, etc. is all from the withdrawal. 

 

I have made it down to 1mg of Ativan, and 2mg of lunesta, and 2,000mg of gabapentin. But I don’t know how I survived, I’m still reeling from the lunesta cut. Originally I was going to taper the Ativan completely and then do the lunesta and last do the gabapentin, but I realized that the lunesta is harder to taper and cut so I should do it first, especially since my doctor wants me to do big cuts with it. 

 

I don’t think I can live through this… I’ve been sick and in pain for 21 years, and bedbound since a caught a virus 2 years ago.. I’m not sure I can handle the tapering getting worse. It’s already been hell. I still have intra dose withdrawal from all 3 of these meds while tapering, but I can’t get my doctor to give me a long acting benzo for the taper. I’m really scared. I was feeling so sick before starting the taper that I’d been looking it medical aid in dying overseas, because with my health conditions I would qualify. So life is already so hard, and I’m trapped in a dark bedroom 24/7 due to how sick I am right now, and I don’t know if I can cope with sleeping 2 hours a night and being so nauseous and in so much pain, while facing the reality of my illness and benzo withdrawal. 

Please has anyone had as much unknowing drug history and length of use and also been poly-drugged to this degree with big doses? I need help and support. Please, how do I find a way through this? 

 

[[Bo...]]

I’m so sorry. I understand as I have been poly drugged as well. I’m so sorry you’re in the situation and you weren’t told that’s not OK and I hate that you’re struggling so much.
Many people have been drugged on benzodiazepines and depressants… There’s a separate site surviving anti- depressants. You might check out as well.

I hope that other people chime in here can give their thoughts and experiences… It can be so overwhelming when we start thinking about everything we’ve taken and so I just hope you can try to focus one thing at because it is too much to try to take it all on as a big picture. So focusing one thing at a time is best it’s very difficult to sort out what’s coming from when there’s involved so I’ve had to learn the hard way to try not to figure it all out, but to try to best manage in terms of coping skills through this

I’ve been quite sick through the last four years as well and just want you to know that I have seen things get better and so I know what happens so you just gotta hold onto even if you feel like you’re hopeless… You gotta continue to reach out and lean support group maybe schedule a session with one of the Benzo Coach Been through a lot of poly drug cases and have really good advice for struggling a lot.

There is the Benzo Warrior Facebook helpful, you might make a post there as well to get their feedback because a few of them are on other medications as well and they can kind of give thoughts on what one would be best to taper first.

I no people will chime in here and get their thoughts as well.

This is just such an unfair battle and I again I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much.

I hope you can pull a good sport group around you with people, friends family however you can on them through this we need all the help we can get sometimes.

There on very high of the stuff that I’ve gotten off so just know that you can do it too. The plan of which one to start with is the first key and so I would ask also on the Facebook groups and maybe even schedule an appointment with Doctor Mark Horowitz who just released the deprescribing guidelines because he is very well-versed and in lots of med cases and a strong researcher in all of this around the world. 

[[Pe...]]

12 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

I’m so sorry. I understand as I have been poly drugged as well. I’m so sorry you’re in the situation and you weren’t told that’s not OK and I hate that you’re struggling so much.
Many people have been drugged on benzodiazepines and depressants… There’s a separate site surviving anti- depressants. You might check out as well.

I hope that other people chime in here can give their thoughts and experiences… It can be so overwhelming when we start thinking about everything we’ve taken and so I just hope you can try to focus one thing at because it is too much to try to take it all on as a big picture. So focusing one thing at a time is best it’s very difficult to sort out what’s coming from when there’s involved so I’ve had to learn the hard way to try not to figure it all out, but to try to best manage in terms of coping skills through this

I’ve been quite sick through the last four years as well and just want you to know that I have seen things get better and so I know what happens so you just gotta hold onto even if you feel like you’re hopeless… You gotta continue to reach out and lean support group maybe schedule a session with one of the Benzo Coach Been through a lot of poly drug cases and have really good advice for struggling a lot.

There is the Benzo Warrior Facebook helpful, you might make a post there as well to get their feedback because a few of them are on other medications as well and they can kind of give thoughts on what one would be best to taper first.

I no people will chime in here and get their thoughts as well.

This is just such an unfair battle and I again I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much.

I hope you can pull a good sport group around you with people, friends family however you can on them through this we need all the help we can get sometimes.

There on very high of the stuff that I’ve gotten off so just know that you can do it too. The plan of which one to start with is the first key and so I would ask also on the Facebook groups and maybe even schedule an appointment with Doctor Mark Horowitz who just released the deprescribing guidelines because he is very well-versed and in lots of med cases and a strong researcher in all of this around the world. 

This is so kind and so helpful. Thank you. I will look into Dr. Horowitz more. I couldn’t see a place to apply to be a patient of his. For finding a Benzo Coach, are there ones through this website or do people just google and try to find someone. Since I’m housebound and bedbound id have to find someone willing to work virtually. 
 

I really helps to have how scary and unfair this is acknowledged. I didn’t think I’d get so sick that I’d need full time care, and I certainly didn’t think I would be drug dependent and having intense withdrawals on top am already terrible illness. I think you are right though, I do think the benzos could be doing more harm than I can tell, and that there could be hope for becoming less sick, if I could somehow find a safe, steady way off them with some knowledgeable providers. I don’t know that this tapering while having intradose withdrawal is going to work or if it will constantly be kindling from only taking short acting benzos once a day. 
 

Again, thank you for being my first genuine reply on this site. I’m pretty isolated with my level of illness, I can see people other than my partner and my home nurse. But I’m trying to find the resources to find a support network online and maybe even get recommendations for mentor/coaches for this. I’ll check out the pages you mentioned! It’s great to have more resources. I’m still terrified but I know I need to keep going. 
 

You made a big difference tonight. I needed to hear your encouragement and ideas to get help. Thank you. 

[[Bu...]]

Hello @[Pe...],

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything that you are going through.  I've been pretty sick for 14 years, with the last 4 getting a lot worse.  I took Clonazepam for 20 years, had two instances of kindling from taking temazepam during a break from the Clonazepam and then restarting the C.  I've taken several anti-depressants over the years too.  I haven't been as sick as you, but I just wanted to let you know that I am getting better, that there is hope.  I have been off all meds for 8 months and I am very slowly improving.

This is a great community, full of caring people.  There is also a lot of knowledge here regarding how to do a slow, steady, symptom-lead taper.  You might try posting in taper planning to get some feedback on how to start.

Blessings

[[Pe...]]

11 hours ago, [[B...] said:

Hello @[Pe...],

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything that you are going through.  I've been pretty sick for 14 years, with the last 4 getting a lot worse.  I took Clonazepam for 20 years, had two instances of kindling from taking temazepam during a break from the Clonazepam and then restarting the C.  I've taken several anti-depressants over the years too.  I haven't been as sick as you, but I just wanted to let you know that I am getting better, that there is hope.  I have been off all meds for 8 months and I am very slowly improving.

This is a great community, full of caring people.  There is also a lot of knowledge here regarding how to do a slow, steady, symptom-lead taper.  You might try posting in taper planning to get some feedback on how to start.

Blessings

Thank you so much, this gives me a lot of hope! I’m still terrified, but I just have to keep going one day at a time.

ill have to try posting on taper planning again, I tried twice, that was the first thing I did, but didn’t get any responses, just someone who said they had to sign off the for the night but other people would be a long to help shortly. That was several days ago. I’ll have to try again. I know I need help. I deeply appreciate you sharing that things are getting better for you. I’m going to cling to that and believe that if I keep going, things could improve for me to. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough, these last cuts have been absolutely brutal. Even a week out from my last cut I’m still just so sick and in so much pain. 

[[Bu...]]

@[Pe...],

I'm really sorry about the no responses; sometimes it happens.    I'm going to go take a look and see if I can add anything useful.  Hang in there. 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Pe...],

I left my "two cents" about tapering on your other thread.  Hopefully it helps some.  Let me know over there if I need to clarify something, or if you just have other questions.

[[Le...]]

I lived through a cold turkey wd from clonazepam. Your experience sounds so similar that it is triggers me and you are tapering. I made it. You will too. It wont be easy but you can. Once you manage to get fully off slowly every day will be that little bit better than the last and you wont even notice at first but it adds up and you will get there. 

[[Co...]]

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, @[Le...].

[[Id...]]

On 24/04/2024 at 04:36, [[P...] said:

I want to start this out by saying I was not aware that benzodiazepines could do this. I’ve been prescribed these multiple times ever since I was 15

This might not be much, but I truly and deeply feel the meaning of this and wanted to chime in, in the hope that this might help you to not feel too alone. 
 

polidrugged out of my sense because of not recognized intra dose withdrawal also. Huge prescriptions and bed bound another one… luckily you arrived here, that is a place where you can snap out of solitude in what you have been through; it has a lot of helpful sources and kind, knowledgeable users and moderators. there’s no guarantee of course but I was able to feel better in few months, at least for now. Sorry I am not feeling too well… and have trouble rereading: did you write you can’t get access to long lasting benzodiazepines? If so what’s the reason 
 

I wish you all the best, and welcome here!