Post Benzo Protracted Withdrawal Support Group

[[Ja...]]

Here is a HUGE sign of improvement for me. I used to be very sensitive to heat that I always needed to be around 70F temps to feel less "anxious" (if that makes sense).  Yesterday I went out at 5PM in the heat (85F) and played basketball for 2 hours! I know I still have symptoms and sometimes anxiety does come back strong, but it feels good to be enjoying and not hating on our poor old sun...

 

Ed

 

Ed, I know exactly what you mean.  Heat and sun exposure seem to set things off for me as well.

Cant wait to be able to enjoy visiting the beach or relaxing by a pool again!

Yes it would be awesome to head over to a beach and just forget about everything for a week or two.  Where I live it rains without a warning so I'm hesitant right now to waste my vacation time on probably rainy days...summer in Colombia comes two times during the year and we're close to the next one...

 

Ed

[[Co...]]

Hi Wellness, Thankyou for sharing with me about how helpful CBT is for pain. I had never heard that. Your post gave me a kind of aha moment. I will look into that, but sometimes its even hard for me to think Im in so much pain...I never did CBT but would think it involved brain work and lol my brain doesnt really like to work yet. Wanted to let you know the first feww months into wd the only sense I had to know I had to pee was that I could feel a tingle in my bladder area. I even had the weird thought that my bladder was shriveling up and I would somehow need surgery like a pouch or something. Weird I know. But we experience such bizarre sensations and I didnt realize it was from bw. I hope you see some improvements soon. I noticed when the mental stuff left it was gradual for a few weeks and then it was gone. So because you are experiencing a sx now it does not mean you will have it in a month or two. Take care. Hugs, Collleen

[[we...]]

On the topic of fatigue, I have had it for over two years. The way I handle it now is that my first wave of fatigue usually does not hit until one o'clock in the afternoon. At that time, I do not fight it. I will just take to my bed and lie there for an hour or an hour and a half. I know I will not sleep, but that is okay. Once I lay there my brain races. After about an hour it starts to slow down. For reasons I do not understand, once my brain is slower I am not as tired. I never feel sleepy. I feel exhausted but not sleepy.

 

Most people I know on this forum repeat the mantra: sleep when you can. A few others maintain that keeping a regular sleep schedule is what works best for them. I think a lot of it has to do with your responsibilities, if there are things that are expected of you during the day. The fatigue does lift eventually I am told, for my part it has gotten lighter but it is still pretty intense. I go to the gym, in a rehab swimming pool because I have so many aches and pains, that keeps my muscles from wasting because I lie down so much.

 

Colleen: the approach to CBT I think has to do with figuring out what it is that you can do. For example all you can do is lie on the floor and pet the dog, then that goes in to the list of things you can do. If you can do  benzo forums, then that goes into your can do list. Once you have a list of things that you can do, then you plan activities around those abilities. The idea is that if you can get your mind off of your pain, it will make your life more bearable. Essentially, just to distract. I am sure it will help, but my brain is so messed up right now.

[[we...]]

anyone else have protracted fatigue?

[[Nu...]]

I am now 28 months. I don't know why I haven't posted here before, but I guess  mostly it has to do with not wanting to rehash the whole story...which I find myself unable to do. Maybe I'll just toss some words out to give an idea

 

Benzo history   benzo w/d mutilple times (first 3 times I know about, had no idea). kindling?? mistakes during w/d: was switched in one go from klonopin to ativan to "avoid seizures"; "tapered" 2 months; kept taking rescue doses for weeks (had no idea not to); gave in to psychs suggestion I go back on ativan after "taper" and rescue dose". led to paradoxical reaction; believe dr who upped my dose to multiple times a day saying "more will help to overcome the paradoxcial" ended up on 2mg ativan;( had never taken more than 1 mg/1 x day previous over 5 yr history );  paradoxical unbearable so "tapered" off this in a week; then tried xanax for a few weeks - worked. had interdose w/d like hell; went off this in a few days. Did not know what was going on, thought it was my "anxiety" and "illness".

 

Other  polydrugged 2004. overdrugged, exceeding recommended doses of a/d. multiple unknown withdrawals of a/ds and benzos. major side effects from the drugs  - mental and physical. encounter with "mental health" system. voluntary inpatient unit. Partial hospitalization. drugged and sick every day. life stopped. "reeducation" that I am "sick". accepted idea. in constant w/d - tolerance, interdose. forgot my past life before drugs. acceptance of disability.  ptsd. w/d Lexapro and Seroquel

 

s/x  mostly everything , but to a lesser intensity. and less freqency. massive stress intolerance.

 

current most life impairing s/x  hyperacusis (sounds louder in brain), tinnitus, auditory processing (as part of this) dizziness provoked by sound and light. dizziness from movement (seems eye related), visual processing problems (visual overstimulation e.g.) general sensory overstimulation. general brain overload from "being awake" and "doing things". ALSO: constant buzziness in head (from these s/x and also from adrenaline rushes), burning skin and tremors/virbating

 

notable improvements  cognitive abiliites returning! still a long way to go. proprioception much better. motor skill improved. sleep tolerable.

 

Well, I wrote quite a bit as it turned out.

 

Hello everyone!!!

 

Nuala

 

PS I am ready to give up at least once a day.  It is hard to endure.  :sick:

[[mc...]]

I am not in the protracted phase, I am just 10 months off, but I have been reading this thread off and on and am wondering if I can share a symptom I have been dealing with since June 15,2011 that very few seem to have. I just need some views from others going through this hell.

My lower left leg started swelling in June and then my lower right started swelling in mid October. I have had some lumps appear that I am being told are harmless lypomas and some lymph nodes have been irritate on the back of my right knee that the Dr says she believes is part of the withdrawls and not to worry unless I start sweating alot or start loosing weight for no reason and the swelling has moved up a little into the thighs towards the groin and I feel tight muscles, lumps and the feeling in my legs is not numb, but like my senses are dulled. It just seems to get worse with times that are better, but never ever gone. Really haven't run any tests, except maybe some blood tests. I don't know if I should go to rheumatologist or go back to my Dr and say I'm not sure if this is withdraw any more because it just keeps getting worse and see if there are some tests to be run or what. I have been to my Dr so many times with swelling and lumps on my legs, I just don't know what to do. Can anybody relate to these symptoms or want to share anything with me. I know Stoneyco has had leg swelling in the past and there is a new member who recently joined the forum who has swelling issues, but I just don't know and with all this pain and aching and lumps and lymph nodes. Mentally I have been handling this for ths most part, but when it gets real bad and I feel something new I get scared that maybe this is something else. Comments or suggestions or insights are gratefully accepted.

 

Thanks!

MC

[Guest [ru...]]

I am now 28 months. I don't know why I haven't posted here before, but I guess  mostly it has to do with not wanting to rehash the whole story...which I find myself unable to do. Maybe I'll just toss some words out to give an idea

 

Benzo history   benzo w/d mutilple times (first 3 times I know about, had no idea). kindling?? mistakes during w/d: was switched in one go from klonopin to ativan to "avoid seizures"; "tapered" 2 months; kept taking rescue doses for weeks (had no idea not to); gave in to psychs suggestion I go back on ativan after "taper" and rescue dose". led to paradoxical reaction; believe dr who upped my dose to multiple times a day saying "more will help to overcome the paradoxcial" ended up on 2mg ativan;( had never taken more than 1 mg/1 x day previous over 5 yr history );  paradoxical unbearable so "tapered" off this in a week; then tried xanax for a few weeks - worked. had interdose w/d like hell; went off this in a few days. Did not know what was going on, thought it was my "anxiety" and "illness".

 

Other  polydrugged 2004. overdrugged, exceeding recommended doses of a/d. multiple unknown withdrawals of a/ds and benzos. major side effects from the drugs  - mental and physical. encounter with "mental health" system. voluntary inpatient unit. Partial hospitalization. drugged and sick every day. life stopped. "reeducation" that I am "sick". accepted idea. in constant w/d - tolerance, interdose. forgot my past life before drugs. acceptance of disability.  ptsd. w/d Lexapro and Seroquel

 

s/x  mostly everything , but to a lesser intensity. and less freqency. massive stress intolerance.

 

current most life impairing s/x  hyperacusis (sounds louder in brain), tinnitus, auditory processing (as part of this) dizziness provoked by sound and light. dizziness from movement (seems eye related), visual processing problems (visual overstimulation e.g.) general sensory overstimulation. general brain overload from "being awake" and "doing things". ALSO: constant buzziness in head (from these s/x and also from adrenaline rushes), burning skin and tremors/virbating

 

notable improvements  cognitive abiliites returning! still a long way to go. proprioception much better. motor skill improved. sleep tolerable.

 

Well, I wrote quite a bit as it turned out.

 

Hello everyone!!!

 

Nuala

 

PS I am ready to give up at least once a day.  It is hard to endure.  :sick:

 

Welcome Nuala.  Yep I would have to say the whole psych industry is FAR from LIFE BUILDING.  You're amazing to have come as far as you have!!!  I can relate to the wanting to give up at least once a day thing too, it truly IS hard to endure!!! I'm soo glad you are finding/noticing improvements & progress, it's just so ruddy slow aint it, not to mention scary/beyond disturbing!!!  It turns our whole worlds upside down.  I hope you have someone there with you who can give you unconditional love & plenty of reassurance - what we all need!!!

 

A quote from the bible to counteract the destructive words & actions of mental health - "So a man thinks in his heart, so is he".  So its tremendously important to be on our own side of who we are, as once THAT battle is lost....we ARE extremely vulnerable.  You know yourself better than anyone else (although you may not be able to recall that right now).  Their diagnosis just dont count for shite anymore, just a matter of made up opinion.  An evil system I'm sure that is designed to bring people down!  I hope you one day soon get back to knowing your own mind & self, free from temptation to doubt or worry at their destructive labels.  Prayers for your strength to keep enduring until you/we are out & through back to you!!!  Prayers that your temptations to believe the crap you've been dished out are just ERASED from your mind & put in the trash pile. For ALL of us here!!!

 

In my experience ppl that worry more tend to be more caring & loving people anyway & more honest/open perhaps. 

 

FOR ALL YOU LADIES who may have had trouble with your menstrual cycles for years BEFORE all this benzo/psych pill damage (like me) please consider looking into hormonal balancing with progesterone cream.  I havent tried it yet, so am not advocating it, but am doing the research to look into it.  Apparently if your hormones are unbalanced, this in turn affects the thyroid gland (even tho tests may come back normal).  Both can cause extra anxiety & depression, bad concentration & memory, extreme irritability, mood swings, extreme sleep problems, no motivation, exhaustion, the list goes ON!  Saliva tests are the most accurate, rather than blood tests apparently. (I'm waiting to do mine soon to test my Progesterone Levels).  Apparently Progesterone is called the "Happy Hormone".  If everything is working more properly then apparently that naturally raises your serotonin levels, or something like that. I have NEVER woken up feeling refreshed for as long as I can remember!  I always woke up in a "comatose", it took me at least an hour to wake up properly.  So if you've ever had hormonal problems/PMT etc before all this, please look into this route for yourself as perhaps the root cause...the way the medical protocol/systems are set up nowdays, docs do not invest enuf time into root causes anymore, just treating symptoms, so we have to do our OWN legwork to figure out our problems.

 

Much Love & Healing to you all...xoxoxo Ruth xoxoxo

[[sa...]]

Can I join you?

 

I am over three years off of Xanax (ct).  I have never really gotten rid of some of the lingering sx like breathing problems, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion.  I have believed for a while that those things were no longer related to wd.  But now I think they were because I'm having a severe relapse. 

 

It started when I tried using a drawing salve to remove a cyst from my breast.  It worked, but it was a very stressful and painful treatment.  The salve got into my bloodstream and seemed to be killing lots of infection (probably mostly fungus).  There was no way to stop it or slow it down once it got started.  This stressed my system so much that I've been in a steep decline ever since.  I have worsening insomnia, severe anxiety, heart palps, depression, lack of appetite, low blood sugar, trembling, muscle twitches, numbness and burning, and more probably if I thought longer.

 

I've seen my doctor about the symptoms and she thinks its due to a gene mutation that makes me unable to use folate or other B vitamins.  She has me on methyl folate and methyl B12, which I am apparently supposed to be able to use because of the methylation.  But they do temporarily increase my tension, as all B vitamins do when you're in benzo withdrawal.  I don't know what to do about this because she believes these supplements are the key to my recovery.  They very well may be, but right at the moment, my system is so overstimulated.

 

Anyway, I'm miserable again, as I thought I might never be.  I really thought this was all over.  I do think this has something to do with the damage my brain suffered from benzos.  So I want to be here where I recieved so much support when I first began wd. 

 

I see Patty is still here.  Hi Patty!  I hope you're doing better now.

[Guest [ru...]]

I have a few questions below, if anyone can help out.  OK now that I've come OFF the Aminos & back ON my birth control pill 2 things have happened.  1/ Now the blunted emotions are going from tightly clenched to super messy, & RAW, like alot.  Consequently I can SORT of cry at times now - sometimes I start & then it just stops really quickly (as quickly as it started), other times I'm able to cry a little more, but never a full on wail/sob your heart out which is what I feel I need.  (I had a friend who was able to cry for the entire 15 months, however she wasnt on any supps that I know of).

 

So my question is - Is this feeling of going from totally blunted/clenched to feeling extremely RAW, the START of the emotions unclenching??? Or emotions starting to heal???  The start of the bluntedness healing??? Emotional reawakening? Cos I honestly still feel "all in my head" which is just AWFUL (as thats still pretty mixed up too!!!).  Havent felt my warm heart in god knows how long.  I really used to like the old me, I so wish I had her back!!!  If I can understand it I'll be able to endure it alot easier.

 

Please anyone - I really need to understand this, as if the above is true it would really encourage/comfort me alot to know what is happening/get through it.  So if anyone else had this, or heard of this being the START of healing emotionally, please let me know.  After 15 months of crying, my friend said 1 day her crying just stopped.  Then she hadnt cried in a week.  Not long after that she woke up & felt in a "different frame of mind". From there she just had leaps & bounds & was almost 100% & functional again.

 

2/ 2nd thing that has happened is those tiny brain spins have returned.  You can feel the G force as they spin.  They're only quick, but enough to lament OH NO, they're back again.  I have read that some symptoms you had ages back i.e. like in the beginning DO sometimes return, but with less intensity. So I know that part is normal, just need to know about the above - is this RAWNESS the START/beginning of healing emotionally???  I'd really appreciate any feedback/replies.  Love & Healing to everyone....Ruth xoxoxoxo

[[st...]]

Hi sagemom,

 

Yes, I am still here.  I just wanted you to know that I got hit pretty bad around the 3 year mark with very few let ups.  I am off Xanax 41 months and my breathing is getting better. It seems to be worse in the mornings and after dinner or when I get stressed.  I am seeing improvements the last couple of months.  How long have you been taking supplements, especially the B vitamins.  I have seen too many members state that it can really rev up their symptoms.  Hang on as I do believe we will be seeing some improvements in the next year or so.  At least you are not alone. 

 

Patty  xoxo

[[we...]]

Here is a checklist from a brain injury website. I have been having difficulty describing my cognitive impairment and mood swings, this hits the nail on the head. 

 

http://www.headinjury.com/checktbi.htm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Persistent Intellectual Impairments  check  score  note 

Memory problems     

Difficulty concentrating     

Attention Difficulties     

Easily Distracted     

Misplacing or difficulty tracking things     

Difficulty making decisions     

Difficulty solving problems     

Difficulty understanding spoken instructions     

Difficulty understanding written instructions     

Difficulty finding words     

Difficulty communicating thoughts / feelings     

Unintentionally repeating the same remarks     

Unintentionally repeating same activities     

Stuttering or stammering     

Difficulties doing simple math     

Impaired abstraction or literalness     

Mental rigidity     

Deficits in processing  information     

Deficits in sequencing information     

Difficulty executing or doing things     

Difficulty starting or initiating things     

Difficulty handling work requirements       

Difficulty handling  school requirements     

Having to check and re-check what you do     

Disoriented by slight changes in daily routine     

Unsure about things that you know well     

Difficulty learning new things     

Doing things slowly to insure correctness     

Decreased capacity for reality testing     

Impaired ability to appreciate details     

Impaired ability to benefit from experience     

Inappropriate responses to people & things     

Difficulty taking care of your self     

Difficulty taking care of children     

TOTALS     

   

Psychological Consequences  check  score  note

Impaired sense of self     

Fear of loss of control     

Easily agitated or irritated     

Easily startled     

Feelings of paranoia     

Spells of terror or panic     

Feelings of depression     

Feelings of shame or guilt     

Persistent anxiety     

Anxiousness or feelings of fear and dread       

Feelings of discouragement     

Withdrawal or social isolation     

Feeling others not appreciating your difficulties     

Feeling everything is an effort     

Feeling inept or worthless     

Laughing or crying without apparent cause       

Worrisome thoughts  won't leave your mind     

Making up explanations for things     

Insensitive to others and social context     

Diminished insight     

TOTALS     

   

Persistent Mood Disorders  check  score  note

Mood swings     

Having urges to beat, injure or harm someone     

Shouting or throwing things     

Temper outbursts that you could not control     

TOTALS     

   

Persistent Physiological Impairments  check  score  note

Heart pounding or racing     

Rapid pulse     

Headaches or head pains     

Increased blood pressure     

Increased sensitivity to touch     

Ringing in ears     

Easily fatigued     

Numbness or tingling in parts of your body     

Weakness or loss of strength     

Feeling tense or keyed up     

Restlessness, unable to sit still     

Lessened ability to perform physically     

Decreased tolerance for alcohol and drugs     

Appetite disturbances     

Trouble falling asleep     

Awakening during the night     

Sleep that is restless or disturbed     

TOTALS     

   

Persistent Personality Alterations  check  score  note

Passivity, or submissiveness     

Aggressiveness     

Apathy, lack of interest or emotion     

Overly sensitive     

Discouragement or demoralization     

Increased emotional distress     

Chronic frustration     

Grandiosity or boastfulness     

Excessively talkative     

Compulsive writing     

Egocentricity     

Childishness     

Silliness     

Overly responsible     

Irresponsibility     

Impulsively     

Self-indulgent     

Indiscreet comments and acts     

Obscene comments or acts     

Increased sexual activity     

Decreased sexual activity     

Increased shame or guilt     

Religiosity     

TOTALS     

   

Persistent Neurological Problems  check  score  note

Sense of  observing your self from afar     

Altered consciousness     

Slowed reaction time     

Smelling odors  that others do not smell     

Hearing music that others do not hear     

Making up explanations for things     

Sensitivity to temperature shifts     

Seeing dark spots before your eyes     

Blurred vision, especially when fatigued     

Double vision especially when fatigued     

Diminished night vision     

Difficulty relaxing     

Twitching     

Sensitivity to sound or noise     

Sensitivity to light     

TOTALS     

 

 

[[we...]]

More from this website,

 

"More from this website.

On some days you might experience a great number of the more troublesome impairments and find yourself totally dysfunctional as a result. Then, on other days you might be symptom free, and highly functional. Such a pattern is a common feature of neuropsychological disorders due to brain injury.

Important Note: While the appearance of such symptoms can be worrisome, rest assured that they will get better over time. You should notice progressive improvements especially if you actively work at getting better. The forms in this section will help you increase your self awareness and help you chart your progress and set backs.

Non-credit, remedial course work in basic skills will help refresh your memory and help restore you intellectual skills. Telecourses can help you rebuild skills at your own pace in the privacy of your home. Frequently, such telecourse are available from your public library, and can be ordered over the phone, and delivered to your home free of charge.

Working the brain in this way after a brain injury can involve a certain amount of discomfort, anxiety and dread. Additionally, you might find that learning, thinking, or doing things takes more effort, and more energy than it did before your brain injury. You might find that you feel overwhelming fatigue following any type of mental or physical exertion. When such symptoms appear, don't despair, take a break, to refresh yourself and hit it again later.

This type of experience can be very discouraging, however, don't let it get you down, the rewards of such activities are well worth any negative emotions that you initially might feel. Because you might be more susceptible to fatigue and depression, remember to pace yourself. Be mindful of your diet and water intake. Hunger, thirst, and fatigue can tax your brain and cause your symptoms to worsen. However appropriate rest and refreshment can restore your functioning. Use our Wellness Inventory to track your diet, exercise and water intake as erll as your feeling states. "

 

[[sa...]]

Hi sagemom,

 

Yes, I am still here.  I just wanted you to know that I got hit pretty bad around the 3 year mark with very few let ups.  I am off Xanax 41 months and my breathing is getting better. It seems to be worse in the mornings and after dinner or when I get stressed.  I am seeing improvements the last couple of months.  How long have you been taking supplements, especially the B vitamins.  I have seen too many members state that it can really rev up their symptoms.  Hang on as I do believe we will be seeing some improvements in the next year or so.  At least you are not alone. 

 

Patty  xoxo

 

B vitamins always did that to me before.  Now, I don't know what to do because for three years I have had next to no B vitamin supplements, and I'm extremely anemic (I tend to bleed heavily).  I've only been taking a little methyl B12 every other day for less than a week.  It seems to rev me up for a couple hours after I take it, but then I seem to relax later in the day.  I'm wondering if the form I'm taking makes a difference, since it's much more usable than regular B12.  One thing I do know is that I have a gene mutation (MTHFR) that requires methyl folate supplemention.  I guess it's pretty common for people with this mutation to feel some anxiety when they first start treating it.  Supposedly it subsides after the brain gets used to having enough folate. 

 

I'm so glad I came back here!  It's terrifying feeling alone in this.  Nobody, and I mean nobody understands this problem.  Everyone just assumes I'm going crazy again or that I have a dread disease like cfs or fibromyalgia. 

[[mo...]]

Hi all

 

I used to post on TRAP until it recently shutdown.

 

I am nearly 35 months off following a cold turkey in 2009.

I only took the poisonous drugs for just under four weeks - but was hit seriously hard when I discontinued them and have suffered since with most of the side effects that arise from withdrawing or discontinuing from benzos.

 

From being fit and healthy, these drugs wreaked havoc on my brain and numerous body systems - they seemed to completely throw numerous body hormones out of balance.

 

35 months later, I am much better than I was but continue to have waves of symptoms.

Still particularly bothersome are tinnitus, lpr reflux, ibs-type symptoms, abdominal pain.

The original symptom list was extensive, thankfully most mental symptoms are gone leaving just the physical.

 

I've undergone many tests - not much conclusions apart from various blood tests out of whack.

Out of range: B12, TSH, Calcium, Albumin, Protein, GGT, etc.

Definitely malabsorption issues thanks to Benzos.

 

One day I hope to be fully recovered and put this hell behind me.

 

Hello to any fellow "TRAP"pers that may also be in here. 

 

 

[Guest [ru...]]

I have a few questions below, if anyone can help out.  OK now that I've come OFF the Aminos & back ON my birth control pill 2 things have happened.  1/ Now the blunted emotions are going from tightly clenched to super messy, & RAW, like alot.  Consequently I can SORT of cry at times now - sometimes I start & then it just stops really quickly (as quickly as it started), other times I'm able to cry a little more, but never a full on wail/sob your heart out which is what I feel I need.  (I had a friend who was able to cry for the entire 15 months, however she wasnt on any supps that I know of).

 

So my question is - Is this feeling of going from totally blunted/clenched to feeling extremely RAW, the START of the emotions unclenching??? Or emotions starting to heal???  The start of the bluntedness healing??? Emotional reawakening? Cos I honestly still feel "all in my head" which is just AWFUL (as thats still pretty mixed up too!!!).  Havent felt my warm heart in god knows how long.  I really used to like the old me, I so wish I had her back!!!  If I can understand it I'll be able to endure it alot easier.

 

Please anyone - I really need to understand this, as if the above is true it would really encourage/comfort me alot to know what is happening/get through it.  So if anyone else had this, or heard of this being the START of healing emotionally, please let me know.  After 15 months of crying, my friend said 1 day her crying just stopped.  Then she hadnt cried in a week.  Not long after that she woke up & felt in a "different frame of mind". From there she just had leaps & bounds & was almost 100% & functional again.

 

2/ 2nd thing that has happened is those tiny brain spins have returned.  You can feel the G force as they spin.  They're only quick, but enough to lament OH NO, they're back again.  I have read that some symptoms you had ages back i.e. like in the beginning DO sometimes return, but with less intensity. So I know that part is normal, just need to know about the above - is this RAWNESS the START/beginning of healing emotionally???  I'd really appreciate any feedback/replies.  Love & Healing to everyone....Ruth xoxoxoxo

 

I need to AMEND this but it wont let me.  I tried to say that now I am OFF the Aminos I am now getting extremely intense LOWS.  However, being ON the Aminos, it felt like I was in an emotional straightjacket, unable to vent out ANYTHING (even pain noises) unable to CRY or whatever, like its all just contained/suppressed in there & so much pent up pressure.  I used to be very "Italian/Expressive" personality wise before all this.  So to have it all contained was beyond frustrating!!!  So now this "Italian/Expressiveness" is certainly reminding me alot more like I used to be  :'( but...

 

Now THIS WEEK being OFF the Aminos oh boy - the crying now is most certainly coming on!!!! it comes in fits & starts, sometimes like a sneeze gone wrong (lol) other times alot more, but never deep & cleansing.  So now these extremely dangerous low lows too. And OMG the rawness.  It honestly feels like my emotions are SWOLLEN (they prob are, they've been through so much-all unexpressed tooo) :'(

 

I really dont know what is wise - to go back ON the Aminos & suffer "suppression" & all that pressure/stress building up in there to nutty/unhealthy levels or stay off them & be this dangerously low & all over the place.  Either way is a NIGHTMARE & all over the place, but semi??? better being able to get stuff out, get stuff off my pent up chest (finally!), just argh these god awful lows :'(

 

If only someone with experience could say look, if you persevere through all this crying & mood swings etc you'll eventually get some balance & control back emotionally. I dont want any supps setting me back unknowingly.  And I just dont want any more suppression cos by crikey its been awfully pent up!!! (nearly 21 months), but holy cow dont want these incredibly low lows either.

 

Do I just try to hang in through all these dangerously low low periods now & let myself cry/vent as much as possible (phew at least there is some release now) & on the other end will be LIGHTER feelings??? Uplifting words MIGHT be able to touch me now...I really dunno...

 

I know this is my call but any advice/opinions would be appreciated.

 

I've already tied a knot in it, hung on this long & shredded all my ropes

[[Th...]]

Hi McFuzzie,

 

I would definetly get it checked out again if you feel it is getting worse and it is obviously causing you some worry and concern which is something that should be avoided where possible in withdrawal ... I am sure your GP will understand ...

 

Mike

 

[Guest [ru...]]

I got this from somewhere else, but thought you guys might appreciate it.

 

 

Bravely

Enduring

Nightmare

Zoned

Out

Sickness!

 

We are EXTREMELY brave enduring this whole nightmare!!!!!!!

 

[[Dp...]]

Pretty darn depressed today... Woke up feeling the worst i have felt in many months, this is just really hard to deal with considering i was feeling almost 75-90% from 13-17 months off i know i should be grateful i had that, but to from that to this has really broken me down.. For the last 3 months i feel like i have been seriously back at the beginning of my withdrawal.. I have extreme fatigue, strong internal vibrations throughout my body, anxiety, tinnitus, burning, constant headaches, and a few other smaller issues like GI stuff.. The vibrations, fatigue, and most of the anxiety have been gone for such a long time that it scares me that it has come back at such high levels.. I really just can't believe that it would come back like this after it being gone for months.. Anyways i guess i don't have a question or anything, just really needed to vent to someone..

[Guest [ru...]]

Sorry this is happening to you Dpete.  I am still suffering extremely badly too crying my blunted heart out, wondering when it will all end/heal.  I am extremely grateful for what has gone too, but I honestly feel like I could die of a broken heart having to face this almost completely alone.  It IS so soul destroying & scary because its so unpredictable & mercilessly unrelenting.  The biggest/longest test of our wills, belief, endurance & faith I'm sure we'll EVER have to endure EVER....

 

Sending you lots of LOVE, HUGS & PRAYERS to help you endure this once again dark path, til you're finally out the other side &...back to you.  Hold on to the fact that you did have months of better through these once again god-awful trying times.  You had a taste that things COULD change for which gives ME hope.

 

If we were all there we could hold each others hands, vent, empathize, cry on each others shoulders & firmly reassure each other we'll pull through, if only we stick together, for there's strength in unity & NO human being should have to face this nightmare alone...

 

This MAY have broken us TEMPORARILY....but like a broken bone, when it heals - it actually heals STRONGER than it ever was originally...I hope that helps you somewhat matie

 

Sincerely, Ruth xoxoxo

[[sh...]]

Dane, hang on you know the real you is still there.  Are you still going to school?

 

Sharil

[[2w...]]

I don't know if I am in protracted w/d or not. I'm feeling so depressed and restless lately. I feel like I just want to pack up

all of my stuff and move away from this nightmare. I'm worried that my house will be a reminder of the 13.5 yrs I was on

benzos. It seems like I am ruminating on so many things at once...I just can't keep my mind contained and that worries me.

When I get this I usually want to call my doc, but I know he will just want to put me on an a/d and I know that will just

be putting a band-aid on this problem.

 

I haven't worked since 2006.......I miss working, studying, working out.........just being normal. I don't know what normal

is......it's been so long since I've felt normal. Some days I wonder how so many of us hang on day to day. I worry about what

will happen when our financial resources run out and I can't be home anymore.

 

It's so hard to know what to do when you are too messed up to be around anyone, but you are longing not be isolated.

 

Thanks for reading my rant. You are not alone in this.

[Guest [ru...]]

I don't know if I am in protracted w/d or not. I'm feeling so depressed and restless lately. I feel like I just want to pack up

all of my stuff and move away from this nightmare. I'm worried that my house will be a reminder of the 13.5 yrs I was on

benzos. It seems like I am ruminating on so many things at once...I just can't keep my mind contained and that worries me.

When I get this I usually want to call my doc, but I know he will just want to put me on an a/d and I know that will just

be putting a band-aid on this problem.

 

I haven't worked since 2006.......I miss working, studying, working out.........just being normal. I don't know what normal

is......it's been so long since I've felt normal. Some days I wonder how so many of us hang on day to day. I worry about what

will happen when our financial resources run out and I can't be home anymore.

 

It's so hard to know what to do when you are too messed up to be around anyone, but you are longing not be isolated.

 

Thanks for reading my rant. You are not alone in this.

 

Yeah thats how I feel too Lou - really blunted, low & discouraged.  I also feel like the home I am in doesnt contain many happy memories cos the whole entire time I've been here I've been sick.  I kind of want to start afresh with a clean slate too, but cant do that for now as I'm still recovering & no dosh anyway.  I also feel like I'm thinking about alot more things all at once (when my brain permits).  This whole experience sure can raise ALOT of questions & shake us up thats for sure.  As far as the not being able to keep your mind contained thing goes - I also feel like that too.  I am sure it will get better as time goes on & more healing happens.  Our bodies/brains sure were designed to heal so I hope you can take some comfort in that.

 

I too miss being/feeling normal too & doing normal stuff. Especially being a Mummy.  My son left home part way through this too so thats been really super hard.  I pray we get our closeness back again one day.  One big mountain at a time is all I can say.  I read some good advice once which said assess yourself on a MONTHLY basis, so that you can see more of your progress (even if its glacially slow!!!).  I thought that was really good advice.  I know we want to look so far ahead & have so many considerations/priorities.  So I hear ya on that one too.  I just think one big mountain at a time really.  Thats all my brain can cope with at the mo anyway.  I will be thankful just to get more of my mind & personality & strength back FIRST.

 

I also hear ya on the being a mess but longing for companionship too.  Hopefully you have some ppl who can love and accept you as you are at the moment...

 

And it doesnt sound like you're ranting to me, just speaking from your heart really.  Anyway whats wrong with ranting anyway & getting stuff out???  Its only when we share stuff we can sometimes see/feel clearer anyway.

 

I am just holding on to my Mum's intuition that I'll be right again one day.....and in the interim TRYING (being the operative word) to take it day by day & celebrating when I get a little more patches of me or abilities back...think thats all we can do for now.  Apart from alotta prayers too.

 

xoxoxoo Ruth xoxoxoxo

[[sa...]]

I'm alone tonight and feeling a lot of anxiety, so I thought I would pop in and unload a little.

 

I'm having all sorts of hypochondriac thoughts, catastrophic thoughts, about every little ache and pain.  I've been to the doctor, but her reassurances don't help.  But I'm also much to scared to get tests done.  I think I'm just neurotic, but I can't stop the scary thoughts or the anxiety.  I know I have PMS now and that probably has something to do with it. 

 

I'm depressed because this relapse has forced me to put my homeschooling boys in school, yesterday was their first day.  Our schools are scary.  Lots of gangs and drugs.  I don't want them there.  And now I'm alone to worry myself to death all day long. 

 

And we have a showing of our house on Sunday (we're selling), and there is no way I'll be well enough to clean it. 

 

There are so many things wrong with me, and I'm so overwhelmed by it all.  I feel like giving up, or running away or something.  I wish I could just run and run, and finally outrun all of this garbage.  I'm so tired of suffering! 

[Guest [ru...]]

I really just want to give up too!!!!  First of all, sorry for the length of this.  I have NO1 in my life to talk to about this, apart from here.  I live alone now, have lost all my friends, my 1 & only son has left home part way through this  my dad died years ago (with whom I was very close  ), I have no other caring family members  :'( & I'm left with my very frustrated & semi detached 75 year old Mum to talk to & confide in only (whom I am very grateful for  ) but boy has it caused us MAJOR problems...

 

I am 40 years old & feel like a scared child.  I just feel like my whole personality, heart & thoughts have been put in a BLENDER.    I have no confidence at all anymore cos I feel so mixed up!!!  Is that just normal for this???  Do others feel like this too at such a protracted stage of 21 months??  (I had a doc induced 3/4 cold turkey).

 

I really need to know if others feel like this too, especially the feeling of being so mixed up & being unable to access previous life wisdom - Do others feel like this too???  At such a late stage as 21 months off???  I am totally unsure of myself now (still).  I dont know which way is up, nor can I remember my previous life wisdom which just makes me feel totally scared & lost.

 

Do others feel like their whole heart/personality has been put through a BLENDER at such a protracted stage as 21 months??? 

 

I go from bluntedness to loads of crying then back to bluntedness.  I wake up with horrendous fears & nightmares.  Being by myself just makes this even more hellishly scary for theres no1 to share this with or comfort or reassure or even "ground" me.

 

I'm really frustrated/angry that ALL my life wisdom I fought SO hard to learn is now STILL totally inaccessible.  I am really losing hope & just want to give up!!!!!!  I cant even feel my heart anymore.  NOR any other good emotions. Does anybody else feel like this too???

 

I'm scared this is just me now!!! Do others feel like it is "just them" too??? 

 

Will I EVER get the wise, warm hearted, funny, CONFIDENT knowledgeable woman back again?  Will I ever be able to think straight again???  I hate feeling this screwed up it just makes me want to cry.......

 

DESPERATELY seeking reassurance & comfort...

[[sa...]]

Well, ruthie, I am hardly the person to be trying to reassure you as I'm an absolute mess this morning.  But I can say that, yes, if your cns is still messed up it's normal to feel that you're emotions are in a blender.  I feel that way.  I can't seem to think straight, and I'm so scared.  I didn't sleep last night more than about an hour, and I feel like every emotion causes a sensation of swarming bees inside.  I'm supremely miserable.  And as you know, I'm three years out and dealing with a relapse. 

 

Ruthie, I'm sure you will heal eventually.  I know it's taking forever, as it is for me.  But our bodies keep trying to move towards normalcy.  It doesn't feel that way today, but I'm sure it's true.  I don't know you, and I dont' know if you are at all religious, but for me, prayer is a vital lifeline right now.  I feel lost without it.  I still suffer, but not as acutely when I pray.