Discussion: Four Phases of Withdrawal-Where Are You?

[[Ma...]]

Nothing could be more unfair than what we are going through. I am constantly bargaining, even though there is no chance of a negotiated settlement. Espy

 

I don't bargain, I just beg.  . I don't have much to bargain with right now.

[[es...]]

Been there, done that, too. Today, in fact. Espy

[[so...]]

Mary,

 

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Hey, my friends,

 

We celebrated my grandson’s and ex-husband’s birthdays yesterday.  I put together a big feast, wrapped lots of gifts, cleaned and decorated the house.  As always when the grandkids are here, it was a madhouse, lots of laughter and craziness.  When everyone leaves, it’s silent again.  A little sad too.

 

Would anybody like to share stories of doing something you didn’t think you could do, but you did it and you actually had a good time and felt like you accomplished something? 

 

Sofa

[[es...]]

High five, Sofa! These are the things that matter. And you did it! Espy

[[so...]]

Espy,

 

Thank you so much.  Just like a football player making a touchdown, having you clap and cheer for me on the sidelines makes my victory even sweeter.  Let’s spike that damn football and do a touchdown dance for every victory we have!

 

Sofa

[[Gi...]]

Hey, my friends,

 

We celebrated my grandson’s and ex-husband’s birthdays yesterday.  I put together a big feast, wrapped lots of gifts, cleaned and decorated the house.  As always when the grandkids are here, it was a madhouse, lots of laughter and craziness.  When everyone leaves, it’s silent again.  A little sad too.

 

Would anybody like to share stories of doing something you didn’t think you could do, but you did it and you actually had a good time and felt like you accomplished something? 

 

Sofa

 

That’s cool Sofa. I would clean if guests were coming but as for decorating.....

 

Glad it went well.

 

I have had a very busy month working in the music industry and six months ago I was in the depths of despair as you know. I wasn’t sure if I would survive my recovery let alone be doing this. I have worked hard to get better but I know that I have had to have good fortune on my side as well. I know there are many out there who work a lot harder than me in their recovery and don’t recover so well.

 

I firmly believe what you always told me. DISTRACT DISTRACT DISTRACT. When I am busy I don’t feel any issues or if I do I can work through them. It’s quiet time that is the challenge. But the more I do, the easier both work and quiet time become.

 

 

 

 

[[so...]]

G,

 

I am amazed at how well you are navigating through this with such grace and determination.  I don’t think anybody lives life “seamlessly” until this is over.  We feel the difficulties more readily than we do the sheer enjoyment of each moment.  And that’s okay.  We are hyper aware right now of how we “feel,” rather than relish each event in our lives.

 

So we wait.  And we wait.  We live each day as best we can, KNOWING that this is temporary.  Little by little we engage more just by “doing.”  We build on yesterday’s courage and create today’s bravery. 

 

Every little victory is a stepping stone.  We add up these victories and, eventually, we win the war.

 

I have faith in all of us to prevail.  Someday, when this is all behind us, we will be amazed we had the strength to go through this hell.  We have no clue how strong we really are until our strength is tested.  We are passing with flying colors.

 

Sofa

[[br...]]

Here is what I have very recently ( since Sept 6th ) overcome . Life is never dull or as Gilda Radner said ' It's always something ' .

 

This is the seemingly impossible list .

Navigating within two weeks all of the following .  Escrow closing on our house , our final move to Portland and settling into the new place . Taking my husband to the local E.R  because his symptoms of exhaustion from the stress of moving seemed like something else . Finding out that the something else was congestive heart failure and A-Fib . Getting over my hospital and Dr related P.T.S.D and staying with him around the clock in the hospital for five days  putting on my sensible R.N. hat and making sure that he got what he needed . Getting him home and adapting him to his new life -style. In a state of total exhaustion finally hanging up my art work and getting rid of the last unpacked box .  OY the drama . I'm living in a soap opera .

 

So here is me being positive . At this stage of my healing I can cope with it all without too many symptoms revving up . Sooo encouraging . And I was able to do what I had to do very thankfully , because I adore my husband and wanted the very best for him . I'm glad to say that he his now doing well and although he will have a different lifestyle his longevity looks good . We eat very healthily and we are enjoying getting out and exploring our new city . Through the hospital I found a great primary doc . He is very caring and also knows something about benzo withdrawal . He's run tests on me which look good . I still have some P.T.S.D but it's manageable.

 

I have used this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt before and here it is again . ' You must do the thing that you think you cannot do '. Never a truer word was said .

 

Love you Sofa  and thanks fr starting up a new and very interesting topic. 

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Rabbit,

 

Just look at you leap over those hurdles (with room to spare!).

 

You’re playing Pac Man gobbling up ghosts, my friend.  You’re invincible.  Hang those pictures upside down for a little flare!

 

I admire you.  So very proud of you.  Damn! 

 

Sofa

[[no...]]

Here is what I have very recently ( since Sept 6th ) overcome . Life is never dull or as Gilda Radner said ' It's always something ' .

 

This is the seemingly impossible list .

Navigating within two weeks all of the following .  Escrow closing on our house , our final move to Portland and settling into the new place . Taking my husband to the local E.R  because his symptoms of exhaustion from the stress of moving seemed like something else . Finding out that the something else was congestive heart failure and A-Fib . Getting over my hospital and Dr related P.T.S.D and staying with him around the clock in the hospital for five days  putting on my sensible R.N. hat and making sure that he got what he needed . Getting him home and adapting him to his new life -style. In a state of total exhaustion finally hanging up my art work and getting rid of the last unpacked box .  OY the drama . I'm living in a soap opera .

 

So here is me being positive . At this stage of my healing I can cope with it all without too many symptoms revving up . Sooo encouraging . And I was able to do what I had to do very thankfully , because I adore my husband and wanted the very best for him . I'm glad to say that he his now doing well and although he will have a different lifestyle his longevity looks good . We eat very healthily and we are enjoying getting out and exploring our new city . Through the hospital I found a great primary doc . He is very caring and also knows something about benzo withdrawal . He's run tests on me which look good . I still have some P.T.S.D but it's manageable.

 

I have used this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt before and here it is again . ' You must do the thing that you think you cannot do '. Never a truer word was said .

 

Love you Sofa  and thanks fr starting up a new and very interesting topic. 

 

good for you!! excellent achievements!

so how is Portland? i want SO BAD to move there or Seattle ...is it really as granola crunchy and hip and 24 hour music/coffee shops/bookstores cool as everybod says? so wonderful to hang up your own artwork. as it should be. what kinda art do you like best?

[[br...]]

 

Portland is really ,really cool and we are loving it all . Bookstores , music , coffee shops and the best transit system ever. I am one happy little rabbit.

 

Ironically one of the top reasons for the move here was to get better medical care . Who knew that we would have such a baptism of fire .

Expect the unexpected !!!!!!!!!!!

[[no...]]

Hey, my friends,

 

We celebrated my grandson’s and ex-husband’s birthdays yesterday.  I put together a big feast, wrapped lots of gifts, cleaned and decorated the house.  As always when the grandkids are here, it was a madhouse, lots of laughter and craziness.  When everyone leaves, it’s silent again.  A little sad too.

 

Would anybody like to share stories of doing something you didn’t think you could do, but you did it and you actually had a good time and felt like you accomplished something? 

 

Sofa

 

so right now honestly can't say that i'm "enjoying" it per se, but i am doing something i never thought i could do and i feel like i'm accomplishing something...writing my autobiography. i've tried a couple times before, but the w'd and c't'ing and kindling and all the other crap that goes along with it made me unable to get very far and the last attempt ended with me destroying most of my artwork, family photos, and book notes...or so i thought. funny how memory is one of the big things that gets taken from us during the medication/polypharm crap...

 

but the other day i was rummaging thru a box in the garage looking for something, and stumbled across a couple of old cd's in the ol movie/dvd cd box thingees i had repurposed to hold "important" cd'sfrom many years ago. soo i brought them in and one had the proposed book title on it and the date.... "no way" i thought, and immediately following that thought was my Inner Critic saying "even if it was on this cd, there's nO WAY itll still be readable (the cd)". so i popped it into the cd player door of my computer and it said "unreadable".  "See! i TOLD you so!" said my Inner BitchCritic.  but i pulled out the insert part and there was a backup cd inside, so i pushed that one into the door and lo and behold what to my wondering eyes did appear? the notes i'd typed up from the first cd of my book. "NO WAY!!" i cheered out loud!

 

so i set to gathering the rest of my notes and began piecing things together. one recovered memory led to another, and so on. it's been intense, no lie. it's been really painful, indeed. but healing and soon i'll remember everything. there's parts coming back online that i don't think the drs or anyone except  my friends from BB would ever have thought possible to heal and return to pre-drug/pre-trauma status. this video and song below seems to sum up what we are here, rebels and immigrants and outcasts and forgotten and pioneers and castaways and cosmonauts...Wayseers.

 

 

i'm a Wayseer. anybody else?

[[no...]]

 

Portland is really ,really cool and we are loving it all . Bookstores , music , coffee shops and the best transit system ever. I am one happy little rabbit.

 

Ironically one of the top reasons for the move here was to get better medical care . Who knew that we would have such a baptism of fire .

Expect the unexpected !!!!!!!!!!!

 

that's way cool brave!

 

so is the medical care better or worse than the previous location?

[[so...]]

Nomo,

 

I don’t believe in accidents.  I believe in destiny.  Your CD is your “voice.”  It’s funny you mention Wayseer.  I have a story to tell you:

 

I went to detox for 12 days to get off opiates.  I was among alcoholics and heroin addicts.  Twelve step meetings every day. 

 

The doctor who ran the clinic only worked 2-3 days a week.  He only talked to patients once, when they first arrived.  Except for me.  Every time he came to the detox clinic, the staff would summon me to his office.  He was 85 years old and he looked like an angel.  He was a pioneer of addiction.  He looked me in the eye every time we met and he said,

 

“You are not like the others.  In the early pioneer days, with settlers moving out west in covered wagons, they hired a scout called a ‘Wayforward.’  He would ride up ahead of the settlers and look for safe passages, Indians, and other obstacles.  He would ride back to his settlers and he would lead them forward.  That’s what you are, my dear.  You will prevent danger from happening to your family, friends and neighbors.  You are a cautionary tale.  This was NOT YOUR FAULT.  You became dependent on drugs due to doctor’s neglect.  I talked to your doctor and he admitted he got you into quite a mess.  He’s a very knowledgeable surgeon, but he did wrong by allowing his PAs to overprescribe medication long after his successful surgery on your back.  You call me an angel.  You are one too.  You could have ended up being just like all those other poor souls in this house.  But that’s not your destiny.  God has other plans for you.  You will never take another pill.  I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  You are a Wayforward, not an addict.”

 

You write that autobiography, Nomo, and fulfill your destiny as a Wayseer.

 

Sofa

[[br...]]

 

The medical care is much better here . My husband had been given a clean bill of health six months ago by the cardiologist in our old town .

I'm also finding more benzo awareness and the Dr's  communicate better

[[no...]]

Nomo,

 

I don’t believe in accidents.  I believe in destiny.  Your CD is your “voice.”  It’s funny you mention Wayseer.  I have a story to tell you:

 

I went to detox for 12 days to get off opiates.  I was among alcoholics and heroin addicts.  Twelve step meetings every fucking day. 

 

The doctor who ran the clinic only worked 2-3 days a week.  He only talked to patients once, when they first arrived.  Except for me.  Every time he came to the detox clinic, the staff would summon me to his office.  He was 85 years old and he looked like an angel.  He was a pioneer of addiction.  He looked me in the eye every time we met and he said,

 

“You are not like the others.  In the early pioneer days, with settlers moving out west in covered wagons, they hired a scout called a ‘Wayforward.’  He would ride up ahead of the settlers and look for safe passages, Indians, and other obstacles.  He would ride back to his settlers and he would lead them forward.  That’s what you are, my dear.  You will prevent danger from happening to your family, friends and neighbors.  You are a cautionary tale.  This was NOT YOUR FAULT.  You became dependent on drugs due to doctor’s neglect.  I talked to your doctor and he admitted he got you into quite a mess.  He’s a very knowledgeable surgeon, but he did wrong by allowing his PAs to overprescribe medication long after his successful surgery on your back.  You call me an angel.  You are one too.  You could have ended up being just like all those other poor souls in this house.  But that’s not your destiny.  God has other plans for you.  You will never take another pill.  I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  You are a Wayforward, not an addict.”

 

You write that autobiography, Nomo, and fulfill your destiny as a Wayseer.

 

Sofa

 

hey Wayforward,

 

now your "circling the wagons" and other language has even more meaning than before! yes you are the scout keeping an eagle eye out fro potential dangers and protecting the rest of us on the journey! wow, i'm amazed. and that old angel of a doc was so right. god i bet you miss that man.  he must've helped so many souls in his doctoring career. how awesome he told you the truth. how awesome he inspired you to get off these as prescribed poisons.

 

btw...do you mind telling me how that CT process went for you? if you've already covered that, would you mind directing me to the  part so i can read what it was like, this is a very long thread! if you don't wanna talk CT in public i understand as it's not the reccomended way to come off these drugs, and i don't personally reccomend it either having been thru it a few times. but you know where i can be found. i'd love to know your coping mechs and/or techs or anything you found made the pain  of that CT process more bearable.

 

[[Wi...]]

 

“You are not like the others.  In the early pioneer days, with settlers moving out west in covered wagons, they hired a scout called a ‘Wayforward.’  He would ride up ahead of the settlers and look for safe passages, Indians, and other obstacles.  He would ride back to his settlers and he would lead them forward.  That’s what you are, my dear.  You will prevent danger from happening to your family, friends and neighbors.  You are a cautionary tale.  This was NOT YOUR FAULT.  You became dependent on drugs due to doctor’s neglect.  I talked to your doctor and he admitted he got you into quite a mess.  He’s a very knowledgeable surgeon, but he did wrong by allowing his PAs to overprescribe medication long after his successful surgery on your back.  You call me an angel.  You are one too.  You could have ended up being just like all those other poor souls in this house.  But that’s not your destiny.  God has other plans for you.  You will never take another pill.  I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  You are a Wayforward, not an addict.”

 

[...] fulfill your destiny as a Wayseer.

 

 

Beautiful. This really uplifted me this morning. Thank you, Sofa.

[[Gi...]]

Nomo,

 

I don’t believe in accidents.  I believe in destiny.  Your CD is your “voice.”  It’s funny you mention Wayseer.  I have a story to tell you:

 

I went to detox for 12 days to get off opiates.  I was among alcoholics and heroin addicts.  Twelve step meetings every fucking day. 

 

The doctor who ran the clinic only worked 2-3 days a week.  He only talked to patients once, when they first arrived.  Except for me.  Every time he came to the detox clinic, the staff would summon me to his office.  He was 85 years old and he looked like an angel.  He was a pioneer of addiction.  He looked me in the eye every time we met and he said,

 

“You are not like the others.  In the early pioneer days, with settlers moving out west in covered wagons, they hired a scout called a ‘Wayforward.’  He would ride up ahead of the settlers and look for safe passages, Indians, and other obstacles.  He would ride back to his settlers and he would lead them forward.  That’s what you are, my dear.  You will prevent danger from happening to your family, friends and neighbors.  You are a cautionary tale.  This was NOT YOUR FAULT.  You became dependent on drugs due to doctor’s neglect.  I talked to your doctor and he admitted he got you into quite a mess.  He’s a very knowledgeable surgeon, but he did wrong by allowing his PAs to overprescribe medication long after his successful surgery on your back.  You call me an angel.  You are one too.  You could have ended up being just like all those other poor souls in this house.  But that’s not your destiny.  God has other plans for you.  You will never take another pill.  I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  You are a Wayforward, not an addict.”

 

You write that autobiography, Nomo, and fulfill your destiny as a Wayseer.

 

Sofa

 

He was so right about you Sofa

[[be...]]

I’m new to this section. I tapered off my last dose of Valium about five months ago. For the first three months I felt fine. I got hit at about four months. Cog fog, the inability to figure out simple instructions which makes me look stupid. Insomnia, fatigue and now depression. I’ve never been depressed in my life. Also the last four mornings I woke up with a heart pounding out of my chest. My watch says my HR is 120-140. I’ve had a heart rate this fast while I tapered my Valium, but not the pounding part. That’s way worse. I’m trying to have a good attitude about this as I know people are far worse off than me.

 

But what if I get much worse? Sometimes I feel lazy, so bad that I forget to change my bed sheets. I’m four years off klonopin. I know my taper helped as opposed to a cold turkey. I did that once and it was horrible. I’m not sure if I’m in phase 1 or 2. Any advice sofa?

[[es...]]

I have been off k since June 28, so I am in your timeframe. Actually, your jump date  the closest to mine that I have seen. I think month three and four were harder than one and two, at least for me. But, month three was the beginning of a slide downward that continues, as I start month five. I became almost completely dysfunction shortly after I began tapering in April, 2018. After I jumped, I guess I was holding on to some hope that by autumn, I would see just a little sign of healing. I wanted so very much to really know there was a future where I would feel like myself, again. A person who would not be threatened by walking to her mailbox! And I wanted so much to enjoy my family, in ways that I couldn’t during the last holiday season. That sliver of hope was gone at month three. It is not that I don’t believe I can heal, it is finally facing the fact that I didn’t win the lottery. Then, month four, the crazy anxiety came back. Maybe, it was triggered by stress. Maybe, it is just a wave inside a wave thing. But, I think the middle months of the first year suck for a number of us, from what I can gather by posts. Would love for people to comment. Espy

[[I ...]]

Still in phase one after 3 months completely off. C/T'd after being on for only 4 weeks (Klonopin and Setraline ) 4 weeks of this poison literally ruined my life. Didn't know anytthing about not being able to come off of them on my own. I was literally new to this stuff. Had a few panic attacks and doc convinced me to try it out. Biggest mistake of my life

[[so...]]

Hey BG,

 

I don’t usually attempt at a guess, but I know you and I will make an exception (lucky you).

 

Let’s go back to my original post describing the Four Phases.  Remember what I said about how tapering versus cold turkey is going to make the journeys really different?  You didn’t shock your system like I did.  Your journey, so far, hasn’t made you dysfunctional like I was.  Our two journeys look really different on paper for that reason alone—tapering versus cold turkey.

 

I’d say you’re probably in Phase 3.  You always eat whole foods without preservatives. Check.  You don’t expose yourself to chemicals.  Check.  You’ve got some stress in your life (as we all do), so watch your boundaries and take “rest stops.”  Check.

 

What do you think?  Cuz it’s not important what I think.

 

Love ya,

 

Sofa

 

 

[[so...]]

76,

 

Well, join MY club, cold turkey friend.  Gobble, gobble. 

 

You’ll make it.  You know how I know?  Because I made it.  Yes, I’ve got two buggers left, but my life is a 180 from the early years of this process. 

 

When I’m completely recovered 100%, this is where I will claim my victory over the beast.  With all my friends around me, as it should be.

 

Sofa

[[be...]]

Thank sofa...I’m counting on it as I’m not very patient....