getting started stopping

[[we...]]

Red,

 

rejection is so difficult when we are this vulnerable.  I'm sorry that your brother is not more supportive.  Take comfort in knowing that we are on your side.  Take care.

[[Mi...]]

While I congratulate your brother for being clean for a year and a half, his drug experience is a whole different ball game than yours.

 

Benzos are the one drug that rehab and detox will not help with.  Withdrawal from benzos is a totally different animal than withdrawal from alcohol, heroin, narcotics, cocaine or any other drug.  Benzos are far and away the hardest drug to withdraw from.

 

I'm sorry your brother did not exhibit the same compassion towards you that he does with his NA group.  He might be thinking that a "tough love" stance is what he needs to do at the moment.  It could also be that he's a little short on patience.

 

Maybe at some point, you will be able to educate him on the differences between benzo dependency and heroin addiction.

 

In the meantime, consider those of us at BB your family.  We may not be able to help you financially, but we're here for you benzo wise.

 

 

[[Re...]]

My brother means well.  He simply doesn't understand the stress of long-term benzo addiction withdrawal.  He says, "Hell, I took them pills before.  They're nothin' compared to kickin' junk."  Well, I know about c/t narcotic withdrawal myself- it means weeks of extreme suffering.  Long before it was fashionable with celebrities, 35 years ago I was became completely hooked on Dilaudid, Oxycodone, and the like.  I just didn't like using a needle.  I went thru many, many c/t withdrawals before starting on methadone.  I just got back from my weekly 120 mile round trip to the nearest methadone clinic.  Like I've said in earlier letters, "TWO ADDICTIONS, TWO WITHDRAWALS".  I've been on the nod for the better part of 4 decades.  I just settled into this methadone-benzo fog and it was like returning to the womb.  I'm almost literally being reborn.  Your support has been a tremendous help to me, I just gotta say.  red 

[[we...]]

Red,

 

when you get on the site, there is a blue bar bellow the shout box near the top of the screen.  On the blue bar, if you click on "chat" you'll get in the chat room.  If there is anyone there, you can talk with people in "real time".  I think you might enjoy this. 

[[Re...]]

Hi Wellness-  I went on the chat room and it was a lot of fun, but it's so fast it's hard to keep track of who's talkig to who at times.  I've never used the computer for anything but info and Youtube.  I'm staying with my klonopin schedule.  Sometimes it' not easy, but BenzoBuddies has really been a great help to me.  I may not have even begun this entire withdrawal plan without stumblin' onto it...    I kinda just figured I'd be in the "cog fog" the rest of my days.  But now, at times I feel such clarity of mind sometimes it's nearly blinding.  Hope things are OK in your world.  I'm going back to bed now.  It's one day at a time...    red gibson

[[we...]]

It's funny how we learn a new vocabulary, cog fog, derealization, withdrawal.  Unfortunately it's a vocabulary I could have done without including the whole experience.  Typing slowly is not a problem, you can still just go in the chat room and read what others are writing.  Have a good nap.

[[Re...]]

I took my 2mgs/klono on schedule after my daily methadone dose and a little later went out to take care of some bills and things.    Sometimes I get a feeling of uneasiness that begins to develope into real anxiety, even fear, that I somehow won't be able to make it home.  I'm stretching out the pills I do have ( I realize now that I had been taking more than I thought).  I came home and I'm going to rest a little while.  I've found that physical activity can really help the muscles that I've been holding so tense, to relax naturally.  Benzos literally force your muscles and nerves to "relax", but it's chemically induced relaxation.  I'm going to try exercising a little, see if that helps.    red

[[Be...]]

Regular mild exercise (not overdoing it) has been a big help to most every buddie who's tried it.  Let us know what you are doing and how it works, okay?

[[we...]]

walking everyday kept the agoraphobia in control

[[Re...]]

I can't hardly believe I'm taking my medications as they're prescribed!  It's always been, if it feels good, the more the merrier.  Gotta say, as the years dragged on, it became less and less thrilling to turn myself into a doped-up slob that couldn't remember what the hell he did for days at a time.  Hitting BenzoBuddies came at just the right time in my life.  I think I just might make it and get my drug taking under control.  'Course, there will always be challenges, that's what life is about.  I think about Elvis, in his era. No "friend" of his could do anything but say "shame on you. Look how you've let the world down, and your fans and blah blah.  They didn't have the rehab places they have now, which have turnd into real money-making machines for some outfits.  When Elvis Presley died that was just about the time I switched bfrom alcohol to pills.          Our son is 32 and still lives at home, drinks vodka like a fish and works only rarely.  At times he can turn mean, other times he's super loveable.  It's driving me nuts, but he's my wife's son from a previous marriage so I do the best I can to get along with him.  He has 2 kids of his own that their mother lets come to visit here once a week.  Is that enough complaining for ya?  How're you folks doin' in your lives?    red

[[we...]]

Hi red,

 

I'm off work and waiting to be functional enough to be human and presentable. The withdrawal have made me quite incapacitated with respect to be able to read, write, watch TV, listen to music, go out, talk to people, feed myself to do much of anything else.  It has been a very isolating time for me and the minutes turned to hours with no one to talk to and nothing I could do.  It was the longest time in my life, and now I see a light and it is shining brightly.  Better days ahead.  Take care.

[[Pa...]]

Hi Red,

 

You're doing great, I applaud for being able to take the pills on a schedule, I know I wouldn't be able to, they all be gone in about 3 days!  I'm glad you're starting to look around and see your world for what it is, rather than through a drug induced haze.  Don't worry if you see some wreckage you need to clean up, you'll have plenty of time to take care of it as and when you heal.  It took a long time for it to get the way it is, it'll take awhile longer to clear it up.

[[st...]]

Good job at maintaining your scheduled doses, Red.      Many of us have/had a hard time getting out of the house to do what needs to be done.  Sometimes pushing yourself is what is needed.  Is your wife being supportive?

 

Patty  xo

[[Re...]]

You guys.  You don't know how much your support is meaning to me.  I was feeling kinda depressed tonite.  My wife came home and yes, she's totally supportive of me, but bless her heart, she hasn't ever been chemically dependent (tho she has sure had her trials in life), she can't understand the depth of need one gets as an addict.  She always does what she can to help, even after so many years of hearing from me, "I'll do better, babe", then quickly sliding back into my old routine of overdoing it with the 2 drugs I'm dependent on. We're very close. I'm lucky to have found her.  Someday I'll be like you, Pam, completely off all drugs.  You all writing to me like you are doing, I gotta say, it's... very touching.    red

[[Re...]]

And you too Patty.    red

[[Re...]]

Hi Wellness-  From your last letter I can see that you are going thru  hard times similar to me.  After so many years on benzos I've found that I can't seem to live without them, and since I've almost always bought them on the underground market and theyr'e becoming scarce it's getting hard to find them.  I'm forced to withdraw rapidly so I can stretch out what I havr long as possible.  Then sometimes unexpectedly A friend I haven't seen for a long time will show up with a big stash at a good price but it'll be xanax instead.  My stepson age 31 is a vodka alcoholic and he becomes mean and sometimes almost vicious when he's not all lovrable and nice to be around.  He makes life miserable around here .  I gotta go .  Please write me.    red

[[we...]]

Hi red,

 

sorry about your son's erratic behaviour.  Alcohol does this, you can't rely on the emotional support you require from him at this time.  Depression is unfortunately part of the withdrawal response for a lot of people, I know it was/is for me.  The same day I was benzo free, the depression started to lift.  I know that it will take a few months for the neurological damage to repair itself, so I'm just passing time, in the knowledge that healing is not linear and that each week has brought about noticeable improvements. 

 

I think that you are absolutely wonderful to battle this with such determination, I know I was determined too and it has paid off. You have conviction and inner strength, and that will get you though it.  Take care.

[[st...]]

Hi Red,

 

Remember that you need to take care of yourself and not let anybody interrupt this process.  You may have to find a way to block out your stepson's behavior whether it be to go to another room and /or not reacting to his shenanagins.

 

Your wife sounds lovely but then again so are you.

 

Patty  xo

[[Re...]]

As we all know life is full of challenges.  Those people affected by the earthquake/tidal wave are really being hit and I think I got problems.  I see a tiny glimmer of light in the tunnel.  I dedicate me staying on schedule with my klono to my family, and to all of you.  I've decided to try to locate Doc who understands my situation and will work with me.  At the very least, one who will prescribe the amount I need so I can quit looking for them on the street from other benzo-heads I know, and continue my tapering.    red gibson

[[Be...]]

Red you are doing so well, and I'm so happy to hear that you are going to try and find a doc who will help you.  Try not to get your hopes up, they seem to be few and far between.  Most doctors are not benzo wise and they'll tell you to c/t (which would be a mistake imo).  :'(

You're doing great with or without help. 

[[Re...]]

Benzo-T    Thank you kindly for your words of encouragement.  I'm stickin' to the plan, but I gotta tell ya, sometimes these feelings of anxiety and loneliness just simply overwhelm me.  But I get thru it, and I see the world with beautiful clarity sometimes too.  This has been one of THE major turning points in my life, and I will not let go of the taper plan.  Somehow, I will make it work.  I can see that you have your tough times (to say the least, probably),.  I've tried to surf around the BB site and made attempts to get thru to some other people.  It takes me so long to figure out this "communicating by computer" thing, I just run out of time. I need to go back to bed now so I'll just say again, thanks, Benzo-T.    red gibson

[[Mi...]]

Benzo withdrawal can definitely be overwhelming at times, but I'm glad to see you're determined to stick with your taper plan.

 

Navigating the site will get a little easier for you once you get used to it.

[[st...]]

Hi Red,

 

IMO, I would try to see a psychiatrist and explain your drug history.  I found that most GP's are too afraid to deal with people like us....unless you are lucky to find one.  I had a written taper plan that I handed to my psychiatrist.  Tell him you would like to be monitored and supported through this taper.  You can ask for a plan under 'General Taper Plans'.  To get to that site click on 'Forum' at the top of the page and scroll down to that site.  Ask for the smallest dose so you are able to make smaller cuts.  Good luck finding a doctor, Red.

 

Patty  xo

[[we...]]

Having a doctor that believes me really helps validate my efforts, even if I only see her every six weeks.  My friend, family, doctor, and BB really helped.  Good luck in your search for a doctor.

[[Re...]]

Yeah, our family M.D. allows me only the smallest of prescriptions, (30 1mg.klono with 1 refill) every 6 months, which is not much when I'm used to getting the 2mg. tabs from a friend in almost limitless quantity.  He's being cut way back on his scrips.  I did tell our Doc about my methadone maintenance (the MM clinic demanded a letter from my Doc showing that he is aware I'm on MM, and he wrote them , told 'em just what they wanted to hear, so I don't want to rock the boat with him by asking for them more often.  You're right about me seeing a shrink and explaining to him my situation- (I just hope he doesn't notify our family Doctor- if it works out I won't need to ask him for any more benzo at all).  You know sumthin', I've actually found myself whispering a little prayer to help me get thru each day.  I don't know who I'm prayin' to, but you know, it helped.  May be that I was praying to myself...  Best to you all,    red gibson