Looking for Buddies - LT High dose Xanax direct taper 1/2 way there!

[[Po...]]

 

Lori!

I can not believe that just a few months ago you were struggling really hard and now your dosage starts with .5. That is incredible. I am so excited for you!!

 

Keep posting. I really enjoy your updates. There are so few Xanax buddies. I really enjoy hearing how everyone is doing and how their doing it.

 

Julia, how are you doing?

 

Hope, i made a cut of .006 and I can already feel it. You are doing great!!

 

Hugs

Pearl

[[to...]]

Hi everyone,

I am happy to see everyone is still hanging in there and still reducing their dose.

 

PowerPearl - I am hanging in there.  This last cut was rough and actually, and I do not know why, but it surprised me.  I started having chest pains again and my left arm was hurting, headaches, etc.  But I have stabilized after 19 days......  I know I need to make another cut and I am scared to because of how hard this last one was - even though it was the roughest on days 3-10 and then evened out somewhat.  But the only way off is cutting the doses.  I plan to do another cut in a couple days.  I hope you are doing well on your cut too.  Great job!!

 

Lori- That is great that you have gotten so far now.  I know it has been hard for you!!  It will not be long before you are off this poison!!

 

To anyone reading this Xanax thread - just know - there may be hard times but they will get better and know the more you do down in dose the closer you are to freedom!!!

 

Love to you all!

Julia

[[Lo...]]

Hello all! 

 

Not a great day. Thanks for the supportive comments on my tapering. However, I thought it was only fair to lay it all out there. I remember early on in my taper when I was struggling I used to get discouraged when I saw someone who "appeared" to be just smoothly sailing along. I used to think that something was terribly wrong with me! I have refrained from writing about all of this because I don't want my symptoms to be your trigger! But I also thought it's only fair to put it out there in case others are struggling as well. So here's what I'm dealing with (updosing awhile back did NOT help. Many of these have been with me for 6 months. BUT a few that are no longer listed have gone away):

 

Abdominal tightness and severe bloating

Neck muscle tightness (front of neck! Hard to breath)

General breathing difficulties (air hunger/shortness of breath)

Dizziness

Very heavy limbs (legs)

Heart palpitations

Indigestion

Heartburn

Dry cough after eating and in morning

Insomnia (back with a vengeance)

Musclular aches and pains (from what muscles I have left) They ALL keep tightening with any sort of activity! It's horrible!

Random twitching of muscles (mostly legs but sometimes face, eye, etc. usually at night)

Constant pulse in stomach (had it checked - they cant find anything CT SCAN - went away for a few months now back with a vengeance)

Constipation

Crazy metallic taste (tip of tongue)

Really dry skin

Crapey  skin

Aged 10 years in 2 years!

Weight gain now (had been down to 91 lbs for first 7 months of taper!)

Pins and needles (not constant)

Exhaustion

Anxiety (but much better than early in my taper)

Agoraphobia

Vision issues (was worse early taper)

Distended stomach

Low blood pressure (no more spikes! Now it's the opposite)

 

That's just off the top of my head! Let's face it, if anyone went to a doctor with all of this, they'd be put through a battery of tests! I've had two CT Scans since this taper started due to absolute fear that something was horribly wrong. Nice amount of radiation, right?  This is insanity.

 

That's where I am right now. But it's truly going to get better they say. I can only pray!  Sorry.... today is not a good day. Venting.

 

Best to all!

 

Lori

[[ba...]]

Lori, I am with you. My symptoms are severe, air hunger being the worst. I have almost everything on your list. Noting really fixes it, holding, cutting, etc.

 

I get through my day with coping skills, I use every one I have.

 

I have had to restart my taper 3 times due to medical procedures and medications.

 

I am not giving up hope, however.

 

I am with you.

[[Po...]]

Hello all! 

 

Not a great day. Thanks for the supportive comments on my tapering. However, I thought it was only fair to lay it all out there. I remember early on in my taper when I was struggling I used to get discouraged when I saw someone who "appeared" to be just smoothly sailing along. I used to think that something was terribly wrong with me! I have refrained from writing about all of this because I don't want my symptoms to be your trigger! But I also thought it's only fair to put it out there in case others are struggling as well. So here's what I'm dealing with (updosing awhile back did NOT help. Many of these have been with me for 6 months. BUT a few that are no longer listed have gone away):

 

Abdominal tightness and severe bloating

Neck muscle tightness (front of neck! Hard to breath)

General breathing difficulties (air hunger/shortness of breath)

Dizziness

Very heavy limbs (legs)

Heart palpitations

Indigestion

Heartburn

Dry cough after eating and in morning

Insomnia (back with a vengeance)

Musclular aches and pains (from what muscles I have left) They ALL keep tightening with any sort of activity! It's horrible!

Random twitching of muscles (mostly legs but sometimes face, eye, etc. usually at night)

Constant pulse in stomach (had it checked - they cant find anything CT SCAN - went away for a few months now back with a vengeance)

Constipation

Crazy metallic taste (tip of tongue)

Really dry skin

Crapey  skin

Aged 10 years in 2 years!

Weight gain now (had been down to 91 lbs for first 7 months of taper!)

Pins and needles (not constant)

Exhaustion

Anxiety (but much better than early in my taper)

Agoraphobia

Vision issues (was worse early taper)

Distended stomach

Low blood pressure (no more spikes! Now it's the opposite)

 

That's just off the top of my head! Let's face it, if anyone went to a doctor with all of this, they'd be put through a battery of tests! I've had two CT Scans since this taper started due to absolute fear that something was horribly wrong. Nice amount of radiation, right?  This is insanity.

 

That's where I am right now. But it's truly going to get better they say. I can only pray!  Sorry.... today is not a good day. Venting.

 

Best to all!

 

Lori

 

Lori!!  Thank you for this post.  I am so so sorry you are having these symptoms and I wish you speedy heeling.  You are going to be off very soon and your real healing can begin.

 

I have to admit I (like you) watch others fly through their taper and appear symptomless and wonder why I can't do it too.  It makes me very sad sometimes.  I am happy for them, just frightened by my own current situation.

 

I feel like all your posts are honest and this one is no exception. I don't like to talk about my symptoms either but I have almost all the ones you do and some others.  One of my most bothersome is my arms, legs and hands are constantly trembling.  The other day I was trying to glue something for my son and I couldn't do it bc I was shaking so badly.  He said to me "Mom let me do it my hands don't shake like yours"  It made me feel sad.  Both because I could't glue the darn thing, but also that he had to see me like that.  I want my kids to know as little as possible about this taper.  It is something that they can learn from but not until they are much older.

 

We are all going to get through this.  At the time next year all these crappy symptoms are going to be a distant memory.  Keep on truckin' girl.  You are doing great!  And weather you had told us about your symptoms or not I'd still say you are doing amazing.

 

 

Hope today is a much better day!

Hugs,

Pearl

[[Po...]]

Anyone out there?

[[Lo...]]

Anyone out there?

 

Pearl, I'm here!! So sorry. Been a rough few days.  Just waking up.  Will write you once I'm more awake and not on this goofy iPad where im hunting and pecking typing.

 

Hang in there! Will respond to your note asap.

 

Love,

Lori

[[Lo...]]

Pearl,

 

I'm so sorry that I could not respond earlier.  One of those days!  Pulled my neck/shoulders/back out right after I typed the message to you this morning.  It's always something!

 

I felt so bad reading your post the other day.  Granted, I think we can all agree that there was never a "good" time to taper off of these but that doesn't make it easier.  Just this past March when my husband and a few other family members went to Europe without me (I was far too unstable physically to do the trip), I cried so much. My son was spending a semester of college in Europe and me, his Mom, the one who was there for every single milestone in his life, couldn't go?  I was a mess! I kept thinking how the heck am I missing this beautiful memory with my son?  I honestly can't even begin to tell you how devastated I was.  I'm sure it will always haunt me but once he came home, and things fell back into our old routine, I was able to get past it.  Ironically, my son was the one who helped more than anyone.  He kept saying to me, "Mom, you've been there for me every single time it truly mattered... Don't let a trip that was nothing short of a marathon run in the rain and wind in Ireland get you down!... When you are through this, you and I will take a trip together and create some new memories!"  My heart melts just typing this.  I tell you this not to brag about my son (although, that's what us Moms do), rather to tell you that just because your hands are shaking and you feel as though you are letting your boys down, you are NOT!  You'll be surprised at how little they will remember your shaking hands!  What they will remember is that you were there for them!  You were there to help, to listen, to TRY your best to glue that goofy thing together.  They will attach a "feeling" to the moment ... and that feeling is security and love.  Mom was there!!! Please remember that.  I'll go one step further and I will make a bet with you; 5 years from now I want you to promise me that you will ask your son if her remembers that art project.  If he even does, ask him what he remembers about it.  I can guarantee you that he will NOT remember your  hands shaking!  Then look me up and tell me... YOU WERE RIGHT! 

 

 

My son turned 21 this past July and it astounds me that he truly doesn't remember a lot of the anxiety that I had a few years ago over beginning the taper.  I was certain that I was an absent parent.  I truly believed that I was failing him.  I thought that my anxiety over what I had to embark on with this taper, let alone the past two years of my taper had to have had a very negative impact on him.  Low an behold, he never really had a clue. We've talked about it and he flat out told me this summer that he never felt as though he was being slighted rather he simply felt terrible for me that I had to go through this.  Sidebar: due to his age, I'm completely honest with him about what happened to me, the hows, whys, and what is going on now.  He's old enough to handle it and to be honest, he's more supportive than my husband!!  I digress... I truly believe that because we are always preoccupied with out symptoms that we believe that everyone around us is suffering as well.  This simply isn't the case.  I know it's cliche to say that kids are resilient, but they truly are!  Please don't beat yourself up.  I know it's easier said than done but I can speak from experience of all those years I was in interdose w/d, tolerance, etc. and thought I was not myself, being "short" with people, feeling anxious, etc., that my son was never affected.  Hey, he thinks I'm awesome...  I'll take it!   

 

And I'm sure your kids think you're downright awesome as well!! 

 

I also wanted to add that although I've been hit quite hard with some nasty symptoms the past few months, I also had that shakiness for the first 8-9 months of my taper and that is gone!  I couldn't even sit at my computer to pay the bills.  It was that bad. I thought I would be like that throughout the entire taper.  But it just vanished.  A few other things that have gone away...

 

POTS symptoms

Blood Pressure spikes

Racing heart just standing up cooking or trying to do laundry

numbness in legs

diarrhea

shakiness

intense blurry vision

legs feeling like they will give out on me just walking down the stairs

 

Those are off the top of my head and I'm sure there are more.  I probably don't remember some because they have been gone for awhile now.  I know we get tired of hearing "everyone is different, healing is not linear, etc." - I certainly do, but the fact of the matter is that it's true.  It stinks, but it's true.  I keep telling myself that if those symptoms that I just listed are completely gone, then the horrible ones that I have now will have to go too! 

 

Pearl, please hang in there!  You are not alone.  Someday when you're healed and your children are older, you'll be able to tell them all that you went through.  And they will look at you in awe because of your strength!

 

Much love to you!  Hang in there... we WILL beat this! 

 

Love,

Lori

 

 

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Lori, I am with you. My symptoms are severe, air hunger being the worst. I have almost everything on your list. Noting really fixes it, holding, cutting, etc.

 

I get through my day with coping skills, I use every one I have.

 

I have had to restart my taper 3 times due to medical procedures and medications.

 

I am not giving up hope, however.

 

I am with you.

 

Thanks, Bad!   The breathing issue is the absolute worst!  I hope you're having better days!  Keep us/me posted.

 

Hugs to you!

 

Lori

[[Po...]]

Wow!!  Thanks Lori!  I really needed that today!!

 

Hugs

[[ba...]]

Air Hunger let up a few days ago.  Now I just have all the other stuff. A part of my problem is I have had to stop the taper and go CT 3 times since I started, and what chaos!!!!!

 

Anyway, keeping hyper busy today with cooking, cleaning, etc, to make my mind off the other things. In time I will stabilize.

 

Do you fellow xanax buddies feel like a cut takes longer to recover from, and adapt to than perhaps some of the other benzo's?

 

Lori, I love what you wrote. Whenever any of my 4 children, 3 of whom have 2 kids each visit, I am much better, I think it's because I love them so much, and am taping into joy and nurturing, things I don't have much of on my own. I think the littleones see a grandma who loves them and is fun to be with, not the sickness. My grown children know what I am doing, and we don't discuss it, but they do ac comadate my needs for distraction and not going to large social events.

 

I have made a point of not letting my talks and time with them be about complaining about withdraw.

 

Love to all.

 

 

[[Ch...]]

Will this lovely group take new member LadyLake under your wing? I’m going to give her a link over to this thread.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=229477.msg2594026;topicseen#new

 

[[ba...]]

Challis :smitten:

 

Hope to see her soon!

[[Lo...]]

Will this lovely group take new member LadyLake under your wing? I’m going to give her a link over to this thread.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=229477.msg2594026;topicseen#new

 

 

Absolutely!!   

 

 

[[La...]]

Will this lovely group take new member LadyLake under your wing? I’m going to give her a link over to this thread.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=229477.msg2594026;topicseen#new

 

 

Absolutely!!   

 

 

Challis :smitten:

 

Hope to see her soon!

Thanks for welcoming me everyone.  I’ve been reading some other people’s stories, and it helps to feel less aloneness in this process.  I’m 3 weeks into a taper from 3 mg total per day Xanax...to 2 mg total.  I’m feeling symptoms, but using crafts and chores to keep myself occupied.  I’m supposed to go to 1.5 mg total, on October 4. Scared, but ready to get this process over with.

[[Lo...]]

Hi, LL!

 

Welcome to the group! There aren't a ton on BB that are tapering Xanax directly as many opt for a crossover to Valium (Ashton Method). For myself and others, that was not an option for various reasons. However, I'm here to tell a direct taper most certainly can be done.

 

We're all here for you!

 

Best,

Lori

[[Po...]]

Lori,

 

How are you doing?  Feeling any better?

 

yesterday was a random great day for me.  Today I feel like I need to go to the hospital (I'm not because I know better).  Its really weird because I normally sleep 3-5 hours a night, but last night I slept 7 hours.  I was thrilled when I woke up thinking it would be another great day.  The first hour of being awake was great and then boom, all the s/x hit me.  I am a complete shell of myself today.  I thought about cutting again last night bc I was feeling so good.  I am glad I didn't.  Today makes me feel like I have no idea how I will be able to make my next cut. I want off this ride.  I hate it!!

 

I hope you are doing better.  Please let me know.  Sorry for my rant above.  I only sent it because I knew you'd get me.

 

Pearl

 

 

[[to...]]

LadyLake  - welcome!

 

Hi everyone, I am sorry some of us are really having a rough time right now, me included.  It has been a very stressful time the last few weeks and I have not been on here hardly at all but miss everyone.

Will keep everyone in my prayers and please do the same for me!

 

Hugs,

Julia

[[Lo...]]

Lori,

 

How are you doing?  Feeling any better?

 

yesterday was a random great day for me.  Today I feel like I need to go to the hospital (I'm not because I know better).  Its really weird because I normally sleep 3-5 hours a night, but last night I slept 7 hours.  I was thrilled when I woke up thinking it would be another great day.  The first hour of being awake was great and then boom, all the s/x hit me.  I am a complete shell of myself today.  I thought about cutting again last night bc I was feeling so good.  I am glad I didn't.  Today makes me feel like I have no idea how I will be able to make my next cut. I want off this ride.  I hate it!!

 

I hope you are doing better.  Please let me know.  Sorry for my rant above.  I only sent it because I knew you'd get me.

 

Pearl

 

Pearl, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I can totally relate. Unfortunately I just don't have answers. Trust me, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be one of those who had such horrible physical side effects. I'm barely functioning. Like you, I'll have a random good day but now the pattern is when I do, the following day will inevitably be crappy! It's so frustrating.  Worse, the good days aren't very frequent.

 

Last night I was convinced that I have cancer. Throat, lung, esophageal, who knows! Acid reflux has been off and on bad thought out this whole process and now, I have this insane dry cough that is worse after I eat, at bedtime and when waking. I don't know anyone who's had this. I also suffer daily from extreme tightness of my abdominal muscles. It makes it hard to take a satisfying breath. It's like my entire digestive system is screaming! Then I wonder if that is what is affecting my throat/lungs. I get so scared because my mind keeps saying that this cannot all be the taper!! I can't wrap my head around how so many physical side effects can happen. I had an abdominal CT scan w/ contrast on May 1st and they couldn't find anything. Now I'm  scheduled for a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in two weeks. I don't want to go through it!! I'm spent!  I'm pretty much terrified that THIS is the test that they'll find out something is horribly wrong with me and that this taper wasn't worth it because I'm flipping dying anyway!!

 

I know, are these the intrusive thought everyone speaks of? I'm just so tired of feeling so bad. Insomnia has returned with a vengeance. I was used to the broken sleep but now the full blown insomnia is back. I'm at a loss.

 

Challis made mention to having gone a bit too fast at some point in her taper and that she was hit with side effects that never went away until after she was done. I'm wondering if that's what happened to me. This stomach stuff started in early spring after getting too aggressive and it's never let up. Updosing did nothing. after about 3 days I was right back to having all of this only tonthen have to taper from a larger dose. It was so not worth it! So now, I'm forced to keep reducing no matter how bad I feel because neither holding or updosing helped at all.

 

I'm sorry to be venting and complaining when you're looking for help. I guess 5 days of very little sleep and dealing with these constant symptoms has finally gotten to me. I'm just Soooooo tired!

 

I truly hope that you're having a better day. I'm so sorry that I did not respond earlier. I just haven't been in a good place and also feeling selfish for complaining so much when others are suffering too.

 

I'm truly sorry for such a negative post. Ugh! Hang in there, everyone. I just keep praying that better days will be here by Christmas!!! I plan to be OFF by then!

 

Hugs to all!

 

Lori

 

PS:

LadyLake, I'm sorry. I know that you're new here and probably don't need to hear this negativity!

Julia, glad to see you. So happy for you about the move but I totally understand how this can be a stressful time! Hang in there! I've missed you!

[[ba...]]

Everyone who is venting-this is what this board is for. We don't want to put all this on our loved ones and friends. This is a safe place to talk about the difficulties and sxs we are all going through.

 

I too, have had a horrible experience tapering, and I have had to restart it 3 times after going CT for medical procedures.

 

I know we don't want to trigger other buddies, but at the same time we need to be able to talk about the pain we endure.

 

My withdraw symptoms are extreme, and I see that others experience this as well. It makes me feel more "normal."

 

 

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Update:

 

After I wrote that post, I broke down and sobbed! I'm talking fell apart. And then....

 

After the tears, I got pissed! I have been in bed for 3 days now. So... I got out of bed, forced myself into the shower (I stunk), and while in there, SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! Fortunately the lawn guys are here so hopefully the mowers drowned out my screams!.. so far n neighbors have arrived so I think I'm good. 

 

I cursed Xanax, my doctor, this taper, this life, my husband, ... everything!!  Guess what happened? My stomach feels a little better, I dried my hair and even put on some makeup, kept breathing through it all and my head cleared out a bit!  My rational mind took over saying, "if you're laying in bed all day, not feeling well and obsessing over every single feeling/symptom you're not helping! But get your sorry self out of bed and TRY to do something and even if your symptoms don't disappear, at least you're doing something and not obsessing while weakening your body further."  So... lesson for me?  Stop feeling sorry for myself. I can't change what is happening to me but I have to keep fighting for me!!! The real me that I want back again. She's there somewhere! She'll be back!

 

Fight on my fellow warriors!! (Tomorrow I'll be miserable again haha!

 

Hang in there!!!

 

Lori

[[La...]]

Lori0413-

This is awesome!  I’m so glad you got some tension out!  We all need to remember there are times when we are going to feel crummy, but there are so many ways to distract ourselves, if we can muster the energy to just do something.  I actually was so preoccupied this morning, I missed my first dose for an hour.  No sxs.  I just happened to walk by my table, and saw my tablet splitter....and realized I had not taken it.  I’m in the beginning stages of tapering, but went from 3 mg total per day, to 2 mg per day....and have been at that dose for 24 days now.  I’m going to cut another .25 mg tomorrow.  We got this!  You WILL feel better!  Don’t feel bad for having “off” days.....and let’s rejoice over the good days!  🌹

[[ba...]]

Good on you Lori.

[[Ch...]]

Everyone who is venting-this is what this board is for. We don't want to put all this on our loved ones and friends. This is a safe place to talk about the difficulties and sxs we are all going through.

 

I too, have had a horrible experience tapering, and I have had to restart it 3 times after going CT for medical procedures.

 

I know we don't want to trigger other buddies, but at the same time we need to be able to talk about the pain we endure.

 

My withdraw symptoms are extreme, and I see that others experience this as well. It makes me feel more "normal."

 

Sounds like this is more of a support thread.  Do you all mind if I move this to Support Groups? 

[[Lo...]]

 

Sounds like this is more of a support thread.  Do you all mind if I move this to Support Groups? 

 

Challis, I'm actually more concerned that we'd lose buddies being over here. This thread has been hanging on it the general taper area for 6 months.  Things slowed down on taper advice simply because some are holding, some are new and just getting started, some, like me, have been at it long time and are moving along at our usual pace, etc.

 

The "title" of the thread really doesn't lend itself to attract support group needs.

 

Thoughts anyone?