Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions

[[mo...]]

“Child is the father of man.” Piaget.

 

I thought I was alright, I think I am and then because I am watching for anger after it happened again a couple of days ago I noticed and stopped myself this morning when I saw the residue on the windows— the windows that got replaced and are new but have had a film on them for I don’t know how long now because my mother had someone spray the outside with a solution of water and bleach. Why? I don’t know. It could have been she thought there was mold (on the outside of the house.) I don’t really understand how mold can exist in the scorching, dry sun, but maybe I am missing something.

 

So the film on the windows blocks my view and it never got cleaned off. So what. Well there are all kinds of dramatic, emotional reasons I can make a case for why this bothers me and some are actually kind of valid, heck maybe they all are in a way. What I know is that it bothers me and that I can sell those reasons with passion. The point is that I feel angry. The objective fact that they are this way doesn’t need an unraveling, but I do because I did it again the other day and even posted on here and it was out of control, it’s what I want to heal, and I don’t hate the word...

 

Ugh. I’m f-ing angry though. And let me say that it is entirely surrounding abandonment and it has everything to do with that and with grief and with my grandfather and my father.

 

It has mostly and everthing to do with them, when I say mostly the only part that is indirect and implied for me is the past really (and anything and anyone else I choose to apply it to at any given time) I mean, basically... but it all does follow me. I woke up wanting to have my own “right-sized” day. And I am, just because I’m posting about this doesn’t mean jack.

 

And I am f-ing angry and heartbroken. Who knows how much comes after and who else’s fault that is, but I can start with the original TWO, GIGANTIC WOUNDS. And I am yelling right now, but it’s on a page and it is not directed at anyone, it’s yelling and I’m addicted to the anger and I need help from the faith I have been given because I’m needing mercy because it’s all too much and it hurts too much and I want to stop, to at least have control of my anger, but I don’t truly have it yet... even though it’s better, I’m angry. And I saved the posts I deleted, I took screen shots of them.

 

No clue where to begin with this, it’s all taken 34 — 13 and 34 — 17 years to even be able to face. I had no tools and no one and I was a child, and I was a child becoming an adult with no adult help. So I’m angry that I have to deal with it and I’m angry when I have been judged and used and mocked for my wounding, and misunderstood and abandoned. The adult me can begin to help the baby, child, pre-teen and teen and wrecked woman in her 20’s who tried to start righting things permanently 5 years ago... and then found I was in literal hell on earth with bzds. So it has been about 5 yrs since I became aware of whatever you call this happening to me that I have clawed my way out of. It was 6 mo.’s into my sobriety at 29, almost very quite literally 30. So that is just about exactly 4 yrs., but maybe closer to what I’d said if you don’t count being consciously aware that I was poisoning myself.

 

So yes, I feel pissed. And I feel pissed off at one person in particular who I feel judged me, and I lump others in with this person. It’s really hard to pray when you can’t forgive someone really. So remember that when you judge someone you have never walked in their shoes and that it could be that they have had it tougher than even you have or think you have had. And it may not be altogether tougher, but ask yourself if you would judge a 13 year old... because that is quite pointedly who we are on the inside internally. We are the children who had no means of dealing with life and had to survive it, we are the children who were traumatized and abused— often.

 

So what right do you have judging how someone else survived? Would you liked to be judged on how you did, and are doing?

 

The above is my question, for myself also in regard to others. Behavior can be right or wrong, embarrassing or shameful and there are consequences... the person who commits theft could be found guilty and sentenced. That is important for society that they are, and that we all have laws and agreements that we either choose to keep or we pay the penalty for. This is not often separated from judge of character, but it should be. Even a very sick person who is rightly behind bars has a story— should you or I be the one to judge their heart and morality and their actions? I’d rather leave it to my higher power, I don’t find myself morally perfect and can’t even live every second according to “my own” standards or the standards that conscience dictates. (Also, it’s a  a weighty affair to take on some random stranger’s behavioral adaptations and the condition of their heart.) And I have news, I’d be God himself if I could. I don’t consider myself God and I don’t consider any other regular person to be either... and we are all regular people.

 

So I will try and forgive, that’s the aim, but for now I still feel justified even if I’m not. Because I hurt too much and there are all sides of me and ages trying to make peace with myself as I am and feel those feelings. It all  forms over time and doesn’t get solved in a day.

[[mo...]]

“Child is the father of man.” Piaget.

 

I thought I was alright, I think I am and then because I am watching for anger after it happened again a couple of days ago I noticed and stopped myself this morning when I saw the residue on the windows— the windows that got replaced and are new but have had a film on them for I don’t know how long now because my mother had someone spray the outside with a solution of water and bleach. Why? I don’t know. It could have been she thought there was mold (on the outside of the house.) I don’t really understand how mold can exist in the scorching, dry sun, but maybe I am missing something.

 

So the film on the windows blocks my view and it never got cleaned off. So what. Well there are all kinds of dramatic, emotional reasons I can make a case for why this bothers me and some are actually kind of valid, heck maybe they all are in a way. What I know is that it bothers me and that I can sell those reasons with passion. The point is that I feel angry. The objective fact that they are this way doesn’t need an unraveling, but I do because I did it again the other day and even posted on here and it was out of control, it’s what I want to heal, and I don’t hate the word...

 

Ugh. I’m f-ing angry though. And let me say that it is entirely surrounding abandonment and it has everything to do with that and with grief and with my grandfather and my father.

 

It has mostly and everthing to do with them, when I say mostly the only part that is indirect and implied for me is the past really (and anything and anyone else I choose to apply it to at any given time) I mean, basically... but it all does follow me. I woke up wanting to have my own “right-sized” day. And I am, just because I’m posting about this doesn’t mean jack.

 

And I am f-ing angry and heartbroken. Who knows how much comes after and who else’s fault that is, but I can start with the original TWO, GIGANTIC WOUNDS. And I am yelling right now, but it’s on a page and it is not directed at anyone, it’s yelling and I’m addicted to the anger and I need help from the faith I have been given because I’m needing mercy because it’s all too much and it hurts too much and I want to stop, to at least have control of my anger, but I don’t truly have it yet... even though it’s better, I’m angry. And I saved the posts I deleted, I took screen shots of them.

 

No clue where to begin with this, it’s all taken 34 — 13 and 34 — 17 years to even be able to face. I had no tools and no one and I was a child, and I was a child becoming an adult with no adult help. So I’m angry that I have to deal with it and I’m angry when I have been judged and used and mocked for my wounding, and misunderstood and abandoned. The adult me can begin to help the baby, child, pre-teen and teen and wrecked woman in her 20’s who tried to start righting things permanently 5 years ago... and then found I was in literal hell on earth with bzds. So it has been about 5 yrs since I became aware of whatever you call this happening to me that I have clawed my way out of. It was 6 mo.’s into my sobriety at 29, almost very quite literally 30. So that is just about exactly 4 yrs., but maybe closer to what I’d said if you don’t count being consciously aware that I was poisoning myself.

 

So yes, I feel pissed. And I feel pissed off at one person in particular who I feel judged me, and I lump others in with this person. It’s really hard to pray when you can’t forgive someone really. So remember that when you judge someone you have never walked in their shoes and that it could be that they have had it tougher than even you have or think you have had. And it may not be altogether tougher, but ask yourself if you would judge a 13 year old... because that is quite pointedly who we are on the inside internally. We are the children who had no means of dealing with life and had to survive it, we are the children who were traumatized and abused— often.

 

So what right do you have judging how someone else survived? Would you liked to be judged on how you did, and are doing?

 

The above is my question, for myself also in regard to others. Behavior can be right or wrong, embarrassing or shameful and there are consequences... the person who commits theft could be found guilty and sentenced. That is important for society that they are, and that we all have laws and agreements that we either choose to keep or we pay the penalty for. This is not often separated from judge of character, but it should be. Even a very sick person who is rightly behind bars has a story— should you or I be the one to judge their heart and morality and their actions? I’d rather leave it to my higher power, I don’t find myself morally perfect and can’t even live every second according to “my own” standards or the standards that conscience dictates. (Also, it’s a  a weighty affair to take on some random stranger’s behavioral adaptations and the condition of their heart.) And I have news, I’d be God himself if I could. I don’t consider myself God and I don’t consider any other regular person to be either... and we are all regular people.

 

So I will try and forgive, that’s the aim, but for now I still feel justified even if I’m not. Because I hurt too much and there are all sides of me and ages trying to make peace with myself as I am and feel those feelings. It all  forms over time and doesn’t get solved in a day.

 

Who may or may not believe in, have or need a Higher Power whom I call God... but I do. Also, no one else is willing to do this kind of thing in the faith section or a church generally, at all. And AA isn’t doing great in this area at all, either. This is the best place to hang in there and hash it out for me so far, and I am desperate for this exact kind of thing on this thread.

 

I feel like I’ve been feeling and acting severe, so I need a little skit now:

[[se...]]

Hey mon pilote,  I don't begin to understand what you've been through.  I can't see it and I can't imagine it nor will I try.  I think it's important for you to be here if you want and continue to post in whatever way it is helpful to you and I'm hopeful it is.  I'm so much like you and I there has not been any place for these thoughts, concepts, emotions, difficulties, pain, etc. to be expressed.  I have felt so frustrated so often because I feel the need to get these things out to the point where I feel like I'm losing myself or compromising too much of myself.

 

Getting back on track (not sure wtf the "track" is btw) is painful.  I feel so raw all the time and that my actions are mostly mechanical.  I think it's an investment in myself or that is the way I'm choosing to look at it now.  The shame, judgement, and condescension I get while I take this walk is a lot to bear.  It feels like it's just plain sad but I think that's my mind taking it to another level bc reality is I'm ok.  It's nowhere near as bad as I ended up on the benzos though and it is so very often fleeting, I take the risk.  I took it already and am relying on trust in myself, those close to me, and other supports (bb, therapist).  All are risky but this is the best chance and the less damaging right now I feel and I need every opportunity I can get to propel myself back up.  I often think that another wave of damage came when I opened up about what I was going through.  I stood up at an AA meeting (my second ever) and asked for help.  That's when I went into a detox.  Employer learned about it, family started to learn about what was going on and I had to navigate any processes that were in place with a false assumption being held against me every step I took.

 

Have to go exercise now but hitting post w/o proofreading.  Loved the monty python clip, mon pilote! 

[[mo...]]

I think we are so much alike, too, seltzerer.

[[se...]]

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

Things from my younger years are coming back to me, thank God.  My manners and interactions are different with others now, more like before when I was younger.  I notice and feel so many more things, I behave differently.  I read cues differently and I'm open to many more interpretations of what someone's telling me.  I think some of these things were just too difficult for me before and I didn't know how to process everything and would get swept away before the next thing happened.  That's basically why I kept using the medication.  It slowed things down and made them processable.  I missed so much though in reality.  Getting a lot of that back is awkward, painful, scary, uncertain, kind of exciting if I don't overdo it, hopeful, exhausting, redeeming, strange, relieving.  Despite the new things I engaged in while on the medications, all the old stuff was/is there and was all along.  Does this make any sense?  Maybe to anyone who got off only months ago?

 

I guess a fear is that I don't know how long it will take for me to get back up to speed and be able to operate at a comfortable level.  I think it's going to be a personally (inwardly) humiliating experience for awhile.

[[Le...]]

My husband brought soup to me today since I am not doing well. I mentioned that this is really no way to live being bed ridden for days between windows of regaining health .. and he said something to the affect that the real me was coming back and he could see it more over the past month. He really doesn’t even know how to flatter someone (very egotistical) so I am going to take this and run with it (well not literally) as I desperately want to be that person he married almost 20 years ago.. for ME this time.

[[mo...]]

I don’t want to try and relate to earlier posts this morning, I have something at the forefront of my mind and it is work.

 

I may not write a lot about it right now, but I feel like it’s getting closer to where I should be able to do this in the near future— certainly before a year. That would mean getting off of ssi/ssdi. Whew! My palms are sweaty writing this.

 

I know that I can do massage therapy, but there is a little more to go in detail about this (just not now,) I know I can be a prep cook and work in a kitchen— no problem there, I have never been a line cook but I have done work in delis and with cheese and wine and doing prep and I’ve done a lot of bussing and serving and hosting. And I’ve worked in fine restaurants, I’ve worked in all kinds of restaurants, from the bottom to the top (well, not the trippiest top... but I have worked in and out of the kitchen in a wide array of types of restaurant.) On the floor isn’t the best place for me, it is the kitchen that works... there is more to go into about this also, however writing it helps a lot and is possibly already clearing up some things in my mind. And the third thing I can do well is floral work, and there is more to go into about this one also.

 

So I’m considering how, when and what next. What it would be is that these things or one of them would support me while I go back to school. I am going to try for my dream, which is film/documentary work...

 

Oh my, not ready but I feel it on the way.

 

Ohhh... shudder. It’s scary but exciting. Blarf.

 

See the thing is that it’s always been: “what should I really do?” Well I think and feel that I understand more now, but still it’s narrowing it down. I’ve had plenty of doubts and plenty of situations that bombed, so I’m not jumping ahead fast or far— I am simply prepping.

 

I always doubted my dream, it never seemed practical. Now it seems like the only practical thing. If I am speaking in terms of practicality then psychology or becoming some kind of therapist always has crept into my thoughts and tried to box out film, but I don’t see it. My heart sings for film and documentaries... there is no way around this.

 

Thanks, I’m glad I can monologue here too. I needed it.

[[mo...]]

Blah! I can hardly write about all that. Lots to feel through/work through/sort through.

[[se...]]

I don’t want to try and relate to earlier posts this morning, I have something at the forefront of my mind and it is work.

 

I may not write a lot about it right now, but I feel like it’s getting closer to where I should be able to do this in the near future— certainly before a year. That would mean getting off of ssi/ssdi. Whew! My palms are sweaty writing this.

 

I know that I can do massage therapy, but there is a little more to go in detail about this (just not now,) I know I can be a prep cook and work in a kitchen— no problem there, I have never been a line cook but I have done work in delis and with cheese and wine and doing prep and I’ve done a lot of bussing and serving and hosting. And I’ve worked in fine restaurants, I’ve worked in all kinds of restaurants, from the bottom to the top (well, not the trippiest top... but I have worked in and out of the kitchen in a wide array of types of restaurant.) On the floor isn’t the best place for me, it is the kitchen that works... there is more to go into about this also, however writing it helps a lot and is possibly already clearing up some things in my mind. And the third thing I can do well is floral work, and there is more to go into about this one also.

 

So I’m considering how, when and what next. What it would be is that these things or one of them would support me while I go back to school. I am going to try for my dream, which is film/documentary work...

 

Oh my, not ready but I feel it on the way.

 

Ohhh... shudder. It’s scary but exciting. Blarf.

 

See the thing is that it’s always been: “what should I really do?” Well I think and feel that I understand more now, but still it’s narrowing it down. I’ve has plenty of doubts and plenty of situations that bombed, so I’m not jumping ahead fast or far— I am simply prepping.

 

I always doubted my dream, it never seemed practical. Now it seems like the only practical thing. If I am speaking in terms of practicality then psychology or becoming some kind of therapist always has crept into my thoughts and tried to box out film, but I don’t see it. My heart sings for film and documentaries... there is no way around this.

 

Thanks, I’m glad I can monologue here too. I needed it.

 

These are great ideas. I think documentary film making is really neat and worthwhile.

[[mo...]]

Thanks so much, I’m thankful for ssi/ssdi but things have got to change. It is not a whole lot to live off of, but I want to make the transition the right way and be sure I am ready for each new step .

 

I’m paying rent at home, but this isn’t how I want my life to be so I have to be patient still. It feels like it’s been too long this way, but those feelings are good to have because they are part of the package for preparing me for better things.

 

I pay for rent, groceries, gas and things I need out of this but it is really tight  .

 

Will need all the divine help I can get.

[[se...]]

Thanks so much, I’m thankful for ssi/ssdi but things have got to change. It is not a whole lot to live off of, but I want to make the transition the right way and be sure I am ready for each new step .

 

I’m paying rent at home, but this isn’t how I want my life to be so I have to be patient still. It feels like it’s been too long this way, but those feelings are good to have because they are part of the package for preparing me for better things.

 

I pay for rent, groceries, gas and things I need out of this but it is really tight  .

 

Will need all the divine help I can get.

 

Not to pry and this is just to be able to respond to what you're saying, what else is in the package for preparing you for better things? It sounds like it might be logistics and mental and emotional prep?  Hopefully sharing it anonymously helps as part of that.

[[se...]]

I'm really emotional right now.  I have come a long way.  A really really long way.  I was so far down I almost lost my life.  The exercise I'm doing is changing me at a really deep level.  I'm not where I want to be yet which will take time - it's a math problem because I have a lot of weight to lose that can't come off fast enough and I'm not going to do it in an unhealthy way -- never fucking again will I sacrifice another area of my life for my overall health!!

 

My emotions are bursting though and I have such good feelings I don't know what to do with them.  I have a whole range of capabilities and I'm only involved in, well, exercise.  I don't have a family, a partner, a house, and I'm still not working.  I know if I go back into the environment I was in, I will head back nowhere good.  I'm thinking it's best to cut ties with them and start again in a new city.  I just don't quite know how I'm going to do it.  While I keep getting stronger here, I'm worried I have too much emotional and creative energy and it'll become counterproductive.

 

I'm fortunate enough to be here at this point but I have more potential.  I'm OK financially but I need to be smart about this from here on out.  I have a level of shame writing this too mostly because of my work situation but I have to do what's right for me and this shameful feeling is not helpful.  It never has been and is misguided based on others' views and expectations.  I'm not who I feel I am made out to be sometimes.  I'm so much more and it's time for me to start asserting myself more.

 

Hitting send now to let this go out into the anonymous abyss of Benzo Buddies. 

[[Gw...]]

I'm really emotional right now.  I have come a long way.  A really really long way.  I was so far down I almost lost my life.  The exercise I'm doing is changing me at a really deep level.  I'm not where I want to be yet which will take time - it's a math problem because I have a lot of weight to lose that can't come off fast enough and I'm not going to do it in an unhealthy way -- never fucking again will I sacrifice another area of my life for my overall health!!

 

My emotions are bursting though and I have such good feelings I don't know what to do with them.  I have a whole range of capabilities and I'm only involved in, well, exercise.  I don't have a family, a partner, a house, and I'm still not working.  I know if I go back into the environment I was in, I will head back nowhere good.  I'm thinking it's best to cut ties with them and start again in a new city.  I just don't quite know how I'm going to do it.  While I keep getting stronger here, I'm worried I have too much emotional and creative energy and it'll become counterproductive.

 

I'm fortunate enough to be here at this point but I have more potential.  I'm OK financially but I need to be smart about this from here on out.  I have a level of shame writing this too mostly because of my work situation but I have to do what's right for me and this shameful feeling is not helpful.  It never has been and is misguided based on others' views and expectations.  I'm not who I feel I am made out to be sometimes.  I'm so much more and it's time for me to start asserting myself more.

 

Hitting send now to let this go out into the anonymous abyss of Benzo Buddies. 

 

I'm also tackling some of those "what am I doing with my life?" questions. Goes with the territory, I guess. I hope you follow through with whatever is going to make you the happiest - there's no shame in reaching for our own happiness. Thinking of you, seltzerer. You'll figure it out, just try to be gentle with yourself as you go.

 

Best,

Gwinna

[[se...]]

I'm really emotional right now.  I have come a long way.  A really really long way.  I was so far down I almost lost my life.  The exercise I'm doing is changing me at a really deep level.  I'm not where I want to be yet which will take time - it's a math problem because I have a lot of weight to lose that can't come off fast enough and I'm not going to do it in an unhealthy way -- never fucking again will I sacrifice another area of my life for my overall health!!

 

My emotions are bursting though and I have such good feelings I don't know what to do with them.  I have a whole range of capabilities and I'm only involved in, well, exercise.  I don't have a family, a partner, a house, and I'm still not working.  I know if I go back into the environment I was in, I will head back nowhere good.  I'm thinking it's best to cut ties with them and start again in a new city.  I just don't quite know how I'm going to do it.  While I keep getting stronger here, I'm worried I have too much emotional and creative energy and it'll become counterproductive.

 

I'm fortunate enough to be here at this point but I have more potential.  I'm OK financially but I need to be smart about this from here on out.  I have a level of shame writing this too mostly because of my work situation but I have to do what's right for me and this shameful feeling is not helpful.  It never has been and is misguided based on others' views and expectations.  I'm not who I feel I am made out to be sometimes.  I'm so much more and it's time for me to start asserting myself more.

 

Hitting send now to let this go out into the anonymous abyss of Benzo Buddies. 

 

I'm also tackling some of those "what am I doing with my life?" questions. Goes with the territory, I guess. I hope you follow through with whatever is going to make you the happiest - there's no shame in reaching for our own happiness. Thinking of you, seltzerer. You'll figure it out, just try to be gentle with yourself as you go.

 

Best,

Gwinna

 

Thanks, Gwinna!  You make great points as always!  You're right about being gentle with myself.  Important for me not to forget lest I fall into this type of situation again.  And to me, that question had to come up.  The benzos were so much beyond a few months off and back to "normal".  My "normal" got so warped over the years seems imperative to explore new things.  All the best, Gwinna!

[[Gr...]]

I'm reading what everybody has been writing and I can totally relate to a lot of this.  seltzerer- You say you have done a lot of things because of other people's expectation, I can totally relate to that.  I actually don't remember the feeling that *I* had when I made many of my bid decisions in life, while on benzos.  Of course now, I am flooding with emotions.  So many emotions.

 

I am trying to do what I guess are normal things, but I feel very emotional about everything.  That and also a bit detached from other things, that maybe I am not ready to deal with yet.  It feels like my life is suddenly very dramatic, or I am a very dramatic person. 

 

I am still having a hard time not taking stuff out on G, but I tell you, it's hard to see that when I do it.  I find myself so negative and upset about things, I just am having such a hard time not getting angry and wanting to blame someone for it. 

[[mo...]]

Thanks so much, I’m thankful for ssi/ssdi but things have got to change. It is not a whole lot to live off of, but I want to make the transition the right way and be sure I am ready for each new step .

 

I’m paying rent at home, but this isn’t how I want my life to be so I have to be patient still. It feels like it’s been too long this way, but those feelings are good to have because they are part of the package for preparing me for better things.

 

I pay for rent, groceries, gas and things I need out of this but it is really tight  .

 

Will need all the divine help I can get.

 

Not to pry and this is just to be able to respond to what you're saying, what else is in the package for preparing you for better things? It sounds like it might be logistics and mental and emotional prep?  Hopefully sharing it anonymously helps as part of that.

 

Yes. Logistics, mental and emotional prep. Mental and emotional prep is not so hard for me, but logistics and the physical reality/physical world can trip me up. It is always some detail like that that usually gets me. Even the mental, emotional and psyche (spiritual) need some structure and organizing now. The world is overwhelming with all it’s info and possibilities. Alongside the other self-help ideas/authors/speakers etc., and my spiritual needs and care, I just need to narrow things down from what I’ve come across and figure out how to organize all that I’ve found and what order to do it in and how. Even just daily routines and budgeting... this kind of thing.

 

It’s why in part I wanted to limit myself to three threads after I saw I needed to still hang out here a bit.

 

I feel bad when I don’t seem to have the capacity to respond well to others on even these three threads, but the physical existence here in the now needs attention and grounding. I have an audiobook called “The Checklist Manifesto; How to Get Things Right” by Atul Gawande, I’m hoping this will help  .

 

Basically I want to stop gathering, expanding and over-functioning. So these lists I have and am starting to make now are more of an inventory and may even need to be slimmed down. I really wouldn’t mind that, but I need to start somewhere— the idea is just not to add! Have got enough to work with. Enough books, enough ideas, etc.

 

Hope this makes sense, I think it does. We can always add, add, add with all kinds of endless choices. My goal is to be as specialized as possible and be able to work with what I have, see my limitations and strengths and all this that I had no sureness about for so many years. I figure I should know myself well enough by now, and just work with this... not try to do, be or know too many things for myself or others. All in the hope that I will accomplish something in the end. Being present is an accomplishment, sure, simply being and existing... I get that. I get that there is more to life than accomplishing or becoming, achieving, attaining and doing. But this is about a balance between the physical and the abstract, unseen. I think I’ll be able to be more present in both my doing and non-doing if I have one focus or several..

 

Overwhelmed, a feeling of overwhelm and feeling of necessity to make my time and what else I’ve been given really count.

[[mo...]]

Also, a thanks for the reminder to be gentle with self where this was shared. It’s a top priority for me too.

 

Organizing, paring down, being realistic (with what I can and can’t do) and being gentle and forgiving.

 

Boundaries are important and so is order and structure, but gentleness is always going to be necessary too.

[[se...]]

I'm reading what everybody has been writing and I can totally relate to a lot of this.  seltzerer- You say you have done a lot of things because of other people's expectation, I can totally relate to that.  I actually don't remember the feeling that *I* had when I made many of my bid decisions in life, while on benzos.  Of course now, I am flooding with emotions.  So many emotions.

 

I am trying to do what I guess are normal things, but I feel very emotional about everything.  That and also a bit detached from other things, that maybe I am not ready to deal with yet.  It feels like my life is suddenly very dramatic, or I am a very dramatic person. 

 

I am still having a hard time not taking stuff out on G, but I tell you, it's hard to see that when I do it.  I find myself so negative and upset about things, I just am having such a hard time not getting angry and wanting to blame someone for it.

 

Hey GreenCup,  I'm sorry to hear about the frustrations and anger.  I have a hard time remembering some of the decisions I made or things/views I shared that explained some of my actions.  Sometimes when I talk with those I'm close to, they have no idea that I'm different now.  I used to guess a lot based on what I believed others' expectations were and behave that way while on the medication.  I was actually good at it.  Really good at it and got pretty far in my job with it.  Now, I don't operate that way and people assume a lot about me which is wrong.  It's frustrating.  For some people I have to proactively give them a narrative about where I'm at and what my intentions are, otherwise they'll assume incorrectly and everybody ends up looking like an ass.  ASSUME - makes an ASS out of yoU and ME.  It's exhausting too and I feel I have no control.  I wonder in time with perseverance, if this will subside.  Some people I'm around are of the type that they will never ask or engage with me.  I will end up cutting a few ties with some of them because it just doesn't work anymore with me.  I'm not that person anymore.

 

I usually experience anger when I have no control over things in my life.  It's not any specific interactions usually, it's just the situation like what I'm discussing above.  I wish I never had taken the sertraline and especially the benzos.  I like myself without them and I did and am doing just fine now.  It's the fallout I'll be dealing with for a long time I'm afraid.

[[se...]]

Not to pry and this is just to be able to respond to what you're saying, what else is in the package for preparing you for better things? It sounds like it might be logistics and mental and emotional prep?  Hopefully sharing it anonymously helps as part of that.

 

Yes. Logistics, mental and emotional prep. Mental and emotional prep is not so hard for me, but logistics and the physical reality/physical world can trip me up. It is always some detail like that that usually gets me. Even the mental, emotional and psyche (spiritual) need some structure and organizing now. The world is overwhelming with all it’s info and possibilities. Alongside the other self-help ideas/authors/speakers etc., and my spiritual needs and care, I just need to narrow things down from what I’ve come across and figure out how to organize all that I’ve found and what order to do it in and how. Even just daily routines and budgeting... this kind of thing.

 

It’s why in part I wanted to limit myself to three threads after I saw I needed to still hang out here a bit.

 

I feel bad when I don’t seem to have the capacity to respond well to others on even these three threads, but the physical existence here in the now needs attention and grounding. I have an audiobook called “The Checklist Manifesto; How to Get Things Right” by Atul Gawande, I’m hoping this will help  .

 

Basically I want to stop gathering, expanding and over-functioning. So these lists I have and am starting to make now are more of an inventory and may even need to be slimmed down. I really wouldn’t mind that, but I need to start somewhere— the idea is just not to add! Have got enough to work with. Enough books, enough ideas, etc.

 

Hope this makes sense, I think it does. We can always add, add, add with all kinds of endless choices. My goal is to be as specialized as possible and be able to work with what I have, see my limitations and strengths and all this that I had no sureness about for so many years. I figure I should know myself well enough by now, and just work with this... not try to do, be or know too many things for myself or others. All in the hope that I will accomplish something in the end. Being present is an accomplishment, sure, simply being and existing... I get that. I get that there is more to life than accomplishing or becoming, achieving, attaining and doing. But this is about a balance between the physical and the abstract, unseen. I think I’ll be able to be more present in both my doing and non-doing if I have one focus or several..

 

Overwhelmed, a feeling of overwhelm and feeling of necessity to make my time and what else I’ve been given really count.

 

I am so much like you, mon pilote.  Some of the things here are really difficult to deal with.  For me, a lot boils down to values and priorities.  Issues of bandwidth, dealing with uncertainty, making decisions from myriad possibilities, reigning in over-thinking and over-extending, weighing short-term and long-term.  It gets a little easier as I get older bc partly, more and more, I just don't care what others think.  I'm becoming more selfish and it's helping.  I should have started this sooner.  I think it's a basic assumption in economics - assume the individual is out for themselves. Wouldn't you know, things get a little easier when I stop swimming against the current.  No more banging my head into the wall trying to figure it out the hard way.  I love lists too btw and have heard that's a really fantastic book.

[[mo...]]

Screwed if I try and forget this experience and screwed remembering it. Stuck in a zone of grayness between withdrawal and being recovered.

 

Don’t fit here and don’t fit out there.

[[se...]]

I'm still getting better in a very fundamental way.  I can tell now that every day, from day to day I'm improving.  Improvements are most noticeably emotional and cognitive but there are other areas as well.  The way I process the world and interact with others shifts positively just a little bit each day. There are days when I catch a glimpse of a bigger shift and I realize that healing is taking place.  Most days I can't tell though.

 

Recently I regressed.  For 4 days this week, I was really depressed and tonight it lifted and I see the wave like pattern again only a bit more stretched out compared to previous waves.  I'm going to stop telling myself I'm better and get rid of that self-pressure and really try to tune in more to what I'm experiencing and let it happen without judgement.  Perhaps it was perceived pressure or pressure from within myself that was telling me I have to get better but I'm thankful I could catch a glimpse of a bigger process taking place and will work to let that happen without further interference from my (sub)conscious.

 

What a process this is - it's a bit like I'm continuously uncovering new layers.  I've already gone through so many I wonder how many more I can go through.

 

All this to say, I'm not going to rush this "reintegration" bit.  I know there's enough in me that when I'm ready, I'll take off but I still feel like I've got a lot of healing to do.  I'm so grateful I have the space to do this now so I'm taking advantage of it and when I move on to the next phase, I will have hopefully done enough healing to never get myself stuck in a place like this again.  Such devastation it was and we should all have the opportunity to get better.

[[se...]]

I'm still getting better in a very fundamental way.  I can tell now that every day, from day to day I'm improving.  Improvements are most noticeably emotional and cognitive but there are other areas as well.  The way I process the world and interact with others shifts positively just a little bit each day. There are days when I catch a glimpse of a bigger shift and I realize that healing is taking place.  Most days I can't tell though.

 

Recently I regressed.  For 4 days this week, I was really depressed and tonight it lifted and I see the wave like pattern again only a bit more stretched out compared to previous waves.  I'm going to stop telling myself I'm better and get rid of that self-pressure and really try to tune in more to what I'm experiencing and let it happen without judgement.  Perhaps it was perceived pressure or pressure from within myself that was telling me I have to get better but I'm thankful I could catch a glimpse of a bigger process taking place and will work to let that happen without further interference from my (sub)conscious.

 

What a process this is - it's a bit like I'm continuously uncovering new layers.  I've already gone through so many I wonder how many more I can go through.

 

All this to say, I'm not going to rush this "reintegration" bit.  I know there's enough in me that when I'm ready, I'll take off but I still feel like I've got a lot of healing to do.  I'm so grateful I have the space to do this now so I'm taking advantage of it and when I move on to the next phase, I will have hopefully done enough healing to never get myself stuck in a place like this again.  Such devastation it was and we should all have the opportunity to get better.

 

Lol I just read some of my earlier posts to this thread.    It's kind of the same but a little different.      Man this is such a complex recovery.  I hope I'm making some sense at least. 

[[Le...]]

You are absolutely making sense and it is helping me to validate my own process of reintegration.  Thank you!! Apparently we have many layers to get through and with posts like these - I can more readily accept this process rather than judging myself harshly for not getting to the next level of recovery sooner. 

[[mo...]]

Serious mistake to have gluten in processed pita chips🌿😔 Not good for real. I had other gluten something I think also, and sugar and dairy.

 

Used to get so annoyed by people with the diet thing, it’s altogether a big deal though now for me as well. All real.

[[se...]]

I don't think I can do this.  I'm having trouble believing reality.  It's surreal.  I don't know how to make sense of the world anymore.  I can't believe this is reality.  I know the facts of situations but I don't understand how it all works and I have trouble believing that any of it is real.. my life now, what happened to me, how I was able to function on the medication, my childhood - did those things really happen??  Was I delusional all the time while I was on the medication or am I delusional now??  Wtf?  Was any of it real?  I was in a different city while I was going through all that hell and now I'm close to family in my hometown.  The places could not be more different culturally, politically... They are on opposite extremes and I've basically been hiding out here and now I'm trying to get back to the "real world" but I don't know what that is.  I don't know if I can overcome.