Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions

[[se...]]

I’m considering staying (posting) but using only this one thread and my blog, while I continue to try and survive and also re-integrate after what has happened with bzds— as well as everything else that led up to it.

 

Trying really hard to make the right choices and do the right things for myself, and the right things in general, but this is so freaking lonely. It’s lonely and it’s incredibly difficult to come to terms with, these are simply the facts.

 

Ive been driving in order to connect with others in person, it’s time and energy consuming though (not to mention the money) and it will take some time to transition fully. If I didn’t have to drive like this to go shopping and see people, I don’t think I’d feel the need to stick around after I had said I was taking a break. What can I say.

 

Who knows though, because while I seem to be doing well, better over-all,  I think the fact that this kind of thing can happen, has happened, has  happened to me and continues to happen to others just breaks my heart. Also, aside from all of that being so weird and painful, life is weird. I guess I don’t really know a better place to go presently where I am able to feel the level of understanding I get here for all of this.

 

Bummer, in a way. A life beyond the screen is what I long for the most.

 

Glad you're posting again, mon pilote!  I think it's the only way really, to get back, after going through this.  What else is there to do?  Agree, life is f*cking weird and we are weird creatures.

[[mo...]]

Thanks seltzerer— I can be my own hero. Come Armageddon or high water, I have done it my whole life anyway and there is no reason to stop until I get it beautifully right (with God.) Yes there is no reason to stop until my whole self and whole life sparkles and shines... every part.

[[Gr...]]

...

With my anger, I do think I might be treating my husband unfairly, and maybe I am really angry at something else, and not him.  It's so hard to say.  ...

 

Have you talked with your husband?  Do you think he might understand?  I guess I would want to know if I was a part of it.  Just him being aware might help and may take away some of the anger fuel.  It kind of cuts it I guess and forces you to face it a bit more and be responsible for it.  Just my thoughts on this.  I don't have anger directed at anyone right now but I feel angry at the world often or idiot drivers of my hair stylist who is not attuned to my personality, etc.  Talking about it helps and also exercising.

 

I actually just had a big talk with G(my husband) today.  I have told him about my missing memories and he was pretty sad about that, as I am too, but I think maybe he understands a little bit more.  He says I am mean to him in the mornings mostly.  I am trying to pay attention to that now.  I am wondering if I am more anxious in the mornings and it comes out as meanness. 

[[mo...]]

I had a lot of things go right for me, over the past couple of weeks. Some will look small, but they’re all fairly big to me. The problem, my issue, well there really is more than one but this is the problem: I want to do everything all at once and I want it all to be turned around completely and to happen perfectly... and I want to feel good doing it.

 

I’m aware of all of this, I’m aware that I can be too concerned with perfection and I’m aware that I want everything done well and done “correctly.” So because I’m aware of this I can self-moderate and temper the urge for perfection, I can love myself through the humanness of it all and I can be more present in life than I’ve ever been able to be probably. This is all good, and it’s allowed me to do so many things after seeing the naturopath and following her protocol thus far. She has me taking some supplements, only several, but she also has me on a powder to help aid and realign digestion as well as now I am to avoid dairy and gluten, and I also switched from coffee to black tea on my own before seeing her. Actually she wants me to lean more toward a paleo diet, and recommended “Against the Grain,” upon my request to have a book to look off of. She wants me to lean this way but isn’t too uptight in the sense that she said to go ahead and have brown rice and quinoa, and she just doesn’t seem overly strict about the whole thing which is good. She also allowed me to continue with goat milk, but said that 40% of people who don’t tolerate dairy well are alright with goat products, and the remaining 60 don’t do well with either. I at first protested about bread abstinence and then she asked me my blood type, I said “O,” I think it’s O+ or something, she gave me a look and said something like “Yes, you are really better off avoiding bread and gluten and meat and vegetable are going to be supportive for you. Meat is also grounding.” I like her, and I am actually amazed at how well my body has responded. The issue is just that it’s taking time to replace groceries and shopping and the money and all this. But it’s going well, and I’ve been feeling relatively wonderful compared to how I was.

 

So what could possibly be wrong? I have set boundaries with my mother and completely organized our schedules and interactions so that we are totally out of each other’s way in every respect, things are flowing smoothly in that sense; I am able to drive and shop for myself, I’ve gotten up every day of the week and exercised, I see my women’s group once a week and will likely add on church and other groups soon, I’ve utilized helplines (ugh,) I walk around and people smile at me and say “hello,” men my age smile and look interested, these women seem to want to be friends (and I like them.) I have been able to clean, I’m taking better care of my skin, I even painted my nails and wear makeup when I want to. I get dressed almost every day, the turkeys don’t harass me on my walks, I spent time with God today and will continue with this and on and on... Also let me please just say that getting some attention from guys is something I really get a little nervous about and I understand it will look whichever way to type this, but really... go through cancer, chemo and bzd at the same time and then judge— because that was one hellish nightmare and believe me, no one was looking and it was so freaking painful and went on for so long, I thought that all of that was completely lost to me never to be enjoyed again.

 

All of this great stuff, and not too high or low, but I promise it is like coming out of a desert and having had no food or water and then there is a feast before me. But... I have to drive, I have limited energy by comparison to my most healthy times alive, money is limited and I’m also just coming out of a hugely traumatic (several) experiences. Not to mention how I got to the trauma and more trauma to begin with. It’s a lot. It’s a lot and my personality and the wells that have been dry, the mirages and the going without for so long, the intense survival mode for so long, plus I need to fill up and there are other personal issues that all tie in. There is a lot of confusion and it’s challenging, and can be emotional.

 

I mean weeks ago I was drained completely of energy and ranting about skinny jeans, nail polish, scents like perfumes and nail polish. I don’t know, there is a lot going on inside, and there is a lot that has been given. I feel thankful but I also feel stunned, and like I don’t know too much about all these options and decisions which may be available to me— in all kinds of ways. And then I get high a bit, and I don’t go as extreme as some other times, but it’s difficult to still sit with a lot of loneliness etc., etc., and the things I want most of all... though I feel intensely blessed... this evening those things are still out of reach, and it is going to take a lot of discipline and a lot of humility and a ton of patience and self-arewness and acceptance and conscious living to attain them. And so this is me being often and still, a lot in my masculine boy energy to take care of business. I feel less frantic about it all, but more than anything I want to be able to safely melt. I can melt to a degree, and I can relax and I am going back to more of who I feel I am really, and feeling more receptive, but if I get too relaxed I guess that is the concern, that nothing will happen for me. I feel this, because I was that and nothing happened for me in life, I was just surviving until to survive became a full-time job and I “lost” her... Now the balance(?,) but for all of good mercy, I really just want to melt and be held.

[[Gr...]]

Hey mon pilote.  How have you been doing trying paleo?  I hear a lot about low carb or paleo or keto diet being good for benzo damaged people.  I have not been able to do any of them so far.  My carb and sugar cravings have been immense.  I also feel ravenously hungry sometimes, maybe I am having low blood sugar.  I totally understand what you mean about limited energy.  I have that too.  My brain wants to make all these plans, but my body just will not do it. 

[[mo...]]

Hi there GreenCup, paleo is treating me exceptionally well. I have been a bread fan my entire life and probably did try gluten-free for a short time once or twice though. I have to say that I feel that this is what my body needed, to eliminate bread, because it responded immediately and I went from just about no energy and feeling sick to having a significant amount more. I was able to begin exercise at least five days/week and do almost all of the things I have not been able to do in so long. Not that my energy is back to 100% of what it ever was, but it does take time to build endurance no matter. I certainly don’t have the energy/endurance to go back to school or work yet, and probably can only manage about 1-2 social activities at this time. Those are some major improvements, however, and saying this is no over-statement. It looks like I will use Fridays and Saturdays for as much rest as I need per week.

 

I used to scoff at the paleo, caveman diet. I really have never wanted to give up bread, but I am sort of wondering if the last time I did was when I had the energy and window I had sometime ago. My naturopath said bread(/gluten in it) can cause irritability. Well, I feel less irritated actually as well, quite a lot less in fact. That’s kind of a big deal. I think that letting dairy go has also been key. The coffee was ruining me too, I’ve heard that people who have trouble with gluten can be sensitive to it, but she said when I felt better after her help I should be able to have it again. The thing is, I like black tea better now and I appreciate the gentleness of it, don’t think I’ll be going back to coffee again.

 

I’m glad that you are on this thread, I hope we each have only increased health and the right amounts of energy for the things in life that we both want to do.

[[mo...]]

I’d like to include that using this thread, the thread which was the inspiration for it, my blog and getting my feelings and thoughts out other ways as well as the slow but steady building of a social life in person, and exercise, have all helped significantly also. I’m impressed though with the immediate physical results of the diet changes and not sure I would have been able to make the progress in the other areas (at all possibly) without that.

[[Gr...]]

mon pilote- Sounds like you are making some really positive moves.  I just do not feel stable enough to start a diet now, if that means anything.  I am still having a hard time just getting the meals prepared every night for my family, and taking care of the house and everything is just still so much energy for me.

 

Today, or this morning, I had a good talk with G.  First I was angry but he was very validating and nice and during our talk I realized that I only remember all the bad and terrible things about him and us.  I don't know why, but I can't remember any happy moments with him.  I remember them if he tells me about something, but during the day, especially when I first wake, and try to remember what I know about G, all the fights we ever had come back to me, and nothing else really.  Then I treat him like he was just being really mean to me, cause that's how I feel. 

 

Once I talk to him though, this anger, paranoia, meanness starts to melt away, as I realize he is actually a nice guy, and I am being mean.  This has been happening everyday for I think over six months.  Even as I type this, I'm not feeling that it has been going on that long, even though, I know factually that it has.  My sense of time feels very distorted.

 

So here's what I am going to try to do.  I am trying to remember or think about positive thoughts.  To try and see the good in things and not just focus on the bad. 

[[Ca...]]

Hi Green..

 

This is a big leap... But I wonder if its part of our heightend fight n flight in a way..??

Singling out and focusing on the bad, as that is what is typically (or traditionally) where our dangers lay...??

Either way, recognising and replacing bad with good can only be a good thing.. I realy hope it helps...

 

[[mo...]]

GreenCup,

 

It makes perfect sense to not feel like changing the diet. Through the worst parts of this I was entirely unwilling, and then there was a time last fall after I saw some documentaries and decided to go vegan and then I also made the choice to avoid gluten for a while like I’d said— actually that was spurred by my mother seeing the same naturopath that I am now seeing. In doing those that time, those huge changes, I became able to see that changing my diet wasn’t so hard a challenge as I’d always thought. I thought those two changes would be so hard, but I was determined to do it for many reasons at the time, and I sort of just realized how many foods there are and how many dishes and tastes are possible with vegetables, grains (without gluten even) and legumes. I don’t know, it almost widened my concepts of food and helped me to become more creative in such a way that a more relaxed ability to become creative with food just happened and I think that is why I am capable of making the changes now so easily. That and specifically the fact you mentioned, needing more energy. But I do understand what you are saying, I think that time did something for me however and if I can feel better, I’ll do it. I still haven’t given up potatoes, brown rice, legumes and gluten-free grains... those things do a lot for me, I really get it about feeling a need for carbs. They are so very comforting.

 

I was wondering, how to say that without giving “feedback” that maybe this ongoing trial with bzds has caused you to feel isolated and not as connected and safe with G. Not that this isn’t something you couldn’t see yourself or haven’t, but I was wondering if that feeling of a lack of connectedness due to the alienating fact of benzo hell could be causing anger out of a fear of being alone or left or... too separate and misunderstood/far away. You’ve seen this likely, but all I know is that you seem to be fairly conscious and trying and that this whole thing can be so exhausting and overwhelming. I feel for you in the areas of irritability, anger and “sensitivity.” So there is no judgement or any kind of “ah, I see” attitude, more like this looks like some things I deal with. I find it challenging to be kind and easy on myself too often, and I think that can carry over into being fearful and critical of others. It’s as if our weakest points get magnified to such a degree that sometimes it feels to me like spinning my wheels in the mud. And, I find I’m stuck in the mud and need to love myself for being in the mud. For being self-rejecting, selfish at times out of survival and reactive to what I think are my own inadequate parts and other’s. The thinking and planning about how to “better” my circumstances and self and tackle showing what my boundaries are and what I’m “made of” seem like they are amplified periodically, especially after an “advancement.” My perfection and judging traits, not all bad either one, get hyper sometimes after I’ve made headway relaxing them to build other more undeveloped or less second nature sides of myself. Or maybe they aren’t so undeveloped as much as they are not my go-to’s in times of conflict, survival and working/“progressing” ...especially when I feel over-responsible or afraid. But then this is all my projection, and I’m just feeling through things to help myself to understand me better while trying in a way not to be thoroughly self-focused. I just only have myself to relate from. Before I drop that altogether though, strictly personally I feel I am innately someone to help start things to get going which have been stuck, sort of an encourager of change in some ways (whether I do it well or not doesn’t matter— I do think it’s true however) and those same attributed qualities I mentioned don’t have to apply in ways that necessarily come as a result of fear at all. Sometimes I think they just help things to happen, start or become more clearly defined.

 

Blah, blah, on and on about self. Sorry about that.

[[mo...]]

I got overwhelmed today and all hell broke loose in my head.  I've been doing really well or so I have thought.  I get to today and wonder if I'm just spinning my wheels and deluding myself and maybe nothing is really materializing.  I've been in pain from all the exercise I'm doing.  I started exercise again today but felt I was about to pull a muscle so I wrote the rest of the day off since I couldn't exercise and I've been avoiding, isolating, and feeling paranoid.  This is what I would do on the benzos.  It's nowhere near what it was like during inter-dose w/d or w/d but it's kind of in the same vein.  Is this my new normal?

 

Hey, how are you doing my friend ?

[[Le...]]

HI Seltz, We are waiting for an update? Hope you are OK. 

[[se...]]

Hello,  I'm doing fine.  I've been busy with this new workout and exercise schedule and it puts me in a little different mindset so I haven't been posting much.  I suppose it's really good but I'm wondering if I'm not giving myself enough time to process what I've been through.  I kind of exercise it away.  When I rest for a day, I get anxious so I don't know my post w/d progress as well but I'm sleeping better than I have in many years and I'm wanting to be more active and involved in the world so these are remarkable things for me.  I general I encounter difficult situations still that I think I will always experience.  I guess it's that baseline anxiety I have and the situations involve mostly things I can't control and I feel like I'm being held vulnerable.  I'm finding that my pensiveness and reservation is just not working for me anymore as much as I like to reflect on things before acting.  Idk.  It's a hard thing sometimes because I feel like my values have shifted a little and I've somehow betrayed who I was or am perhaps.  Anyway, a lot of vagueness I'm sure but I'm doing well.  How are you mon pilote and leslie??

[[Gw...]]

Hello,  I'm doing fine.  I've been busy with this new workout and exercise schedule and it puts me in a little different mindset so I haven't been posting much.  I suppose it's really good but I'm wondering if I'm not giving myself enough time to process what I've been through.  I kind of exercise it away.  When I rest for a day, I get anxious so I don't know my post w/d progress as well but I'm sleeping better than I have in many years and I'm wanting to be more active and involved in the world so these are remarkable things for me.  I general I encounter difficult situations still that I think I will always experience.  I guess it's that baseline anxiety I have and the situations involve mostly things I can't control and I feel like I'm being held vulnerable.  I'm finding that my pensiveness and reservation is just not working for me anymore as much as I like to reflect on things before acting.  Idk.  It's a hard thing sometimes because I feel like my values have shifted a little and I've somehow betrayed who I was or am perhaps.  Anyway, a lot of vagueness I'm sure but I'm doing well.  How are you mon pilote and leslie??

 

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better, seltzerer! Hooray for growth and change!

 

Gwinna

[[Le...]]

Feeling like “you betrayed yourself” ——— oh how I can relate to that.  There has been talk about this being like a rebirth and now I understand.  It was like I could only see as far as my nose and the rest of the world didn’t matter. Or maybe I didn’t have the fortitude to deal with it. But as I continue to recover SLOWLY-  the physical pain is being replaced with an enlightened sense of awareness.  Glad you can exercise your restlessness away! I am still not back to where I was before my massive wave. May try to walk my dog to the beach today ... rather than having her pull me on the bike.

[[Gr...]]

I also feel like my values have shifted a lot.  Just like what you say Leslie- I only saw as far as my nose and nothing else had any effect on me, or so I thought. 

 

I'm taking this acceptance workshop with Jennifer Leigh, and I am having trouble with, you guessed it, acceptance.  LOL.  It turns out anger and acceptance are complete opposites so this is truly where my problem lies.  I understand who getting angry at someone for not doing what you wanted, is not really fair and doesn't solve the problem, but when it comes to not being angry at my current situation, I have more trouble understanding why that doesn't help.  I do feel angry and it's not really angry at anyone specifically but I am upset about all my lost time.  I'm not sure I can rush this feeling though, as I think it's partially grieving the thing that I am not. 

[[se...]]

I also feel like my values have shifted a lot.  Just like what you say Leslie- I only saw as far as my nose and nothing else had any effect on me, or so I thought. 

 

I'm taking this acceptance workshop with Jennifer Leigh, and I am having trouble with, you guessed it, acceptance.  LOL.  It turns out anger and acceptance are complete opposites so this is truly where my problem lies.  I understand who getting angry at someone for not doing what you wanted, is not really fair and doesn't solve the problem, but when it comes to not being angry at my current situation, I have more trouble understanding why that doesn't help.  I do feel angry and it's not really angry at anyone specifically but I am upset about all my lost time.  I'm not sure I can rush this feeling though, as I think it's partially grieving the thing that I am not.

 

I have a hard time letting go of past transgressions.  To get off the medication and get through w/d, I ignored these feelings but they are still there.    I don't dwell on them as much anymore and they fade with new interactions and experiences but they will always be there and inform aspects of me.

 

I suppose a lot of people would fault me for not letting go of these "resentments" but I'm not sure that's what's going on.  I can care and connect and love and forgive and turn the other cheek.  I cannot go against my own nature though.  This will always guide my beliefs and actions and the way I treat others and expect to be treated.  I've lived long enough and tried it "the other way" for too long.  I'm still bound by and work within societal rules and norms and I interact and learn and live as a part but I'm not sure I have to change myself anymore to get along.  I'm open to the fact that I may not be looking at it the right way but so far, and there's a lot within that "so far", this is the better way for me.

 

During this shifting and transformation off benzos, my perspectives and words change and I think sometimes meaning gets lost and I'm concerned about that but I think it's a part of growing and life and the change is worth the sacrifice.  I can't really make the connection with resentments with what I'm saying here to explain but I know they're connected.

[[Le...]]

MP- I think your nutritionist was right! I have been a lot less irritated while staying away from gluten. I am (as we all are) wourking on building my endurance now that my massive wave is over. I do small activities for a limited time and take lots of tests in between. I just wish this process was linear so that I could track consistent improvement but welcome to Benzo recovery- right?

 

Seltz, I hear you about resentments. May I go a little further and question whether since we are discovering our true selves after a very long hibernation that there are some things that we simply can’t let go of ... and maybe shouldn’t. ? I am all for forgiveness and acceptance except when it comprises who we are... or as said here before ... who we came back for.

[[mo...]]

Hugs LeslieJ, yes... non-linear. And you make other good points too, so many aspects to the whole bzd enchilada— I’ll have mine in corn tortillas, exchange the sour cream for goat yogurt (it’s expensive though so still haven’t tried this!)  Liking Trader Joe’s gluten free bread and any goat products. Got a ton of frozen meat groceries from Target last time... my vegan self and vegan notions part of me is horrified but I stifle those cries in exchange for the energy I need. Who knows how the blood type diet or Paleo really works and if these things can be accomplished with vegetables, legumes and grains alone, but I do feel like this is right for me now, and it is grounding.

 

Speaking of resentments such as the ones that we are addressing and dancing around here, I wonder that they are true resentments in the classic sense, myself. Like the people who live in this town and attend AA or are more socially and “politically” (I’ll call these social politics) active and loud. The ones who do their thing this way aren’t the more reasonable neighbors I seem to encounter on my morning walks— the energy I’ve picked up on from these people seems so much more normal and regular, down to earth by comparison.

 

So what I’m saying is that I feel it’s somewhat a broken social scene here, and that I feel it truly isn’t healthy to try again to establish relationships with the ones here who do involve themselves in things like at AA. They were such a letdown when I had this hell with bzds and then the cancer which is now cured. I’d given these people the benefit of the doubt after so many disappointments over the years in this town, of surface and cliquish interactions, when they helped me achieve sobriety— well that seems like the depth and extent of their capacity to relate here. I thought I was finally reaching some depth, when deep down I think my intuition told me otherwise the whole way. It’s not that I hate them or don’t forgive them, what I don’t feel I can do with any good conscience or authentic love for self is trust them (ever again.)

 

I feel like sticking to my plan of going to nearby cities for support, which has been working and helping me feel normal and as if I belong and am no better or worse than anyone else I meet, is the way to go forward... and also hoping for an eventual move to one of these paces. I can definitely say that living here and growing up here distorted my sense of self and ability to trust others, and have a “right sized” view of myself and others. It wasn’t the whole entire reason for any unhealthy personality defenses or flaws I don’t think (the ones I used for survival also came down to family dynamics and unconscious rearing) but it was an amplifying and contributing factor.

 

As I pulled back from the people here— they also plainly abandoned me— and fought through the worst out of all that fell on top of me due to my own shortcomings and poor choices in life (and those of others in my in person life who influenced me monumentally) on here (bb) I started to see more clearly and decided to pull back from posting and interacting as much so that I could begin to make heads or tails of things. So that is what I’m doing now, as I realize it’s not the “me show,” but also I feel that in life there can be such pain and frustration in trying to find one’s self and that the task can be darn near impossible without basically correct, clear and consistent guidance and support. So navigating life completely alone in many ways from a very young age, feeling aware and sensitive about it and running into total hypocrisy in the most formative years of my life as well as manipulation/control, emotionally immature parenting, absent father,  co-dependence in the family and on and on when I was about to go out in the world right as September 11th happened and a whole handful of other trials and traumas... personal and global. These things made for a perfect storm for me, as well as feeling I was in a fishbowl here— or, more like an aquarium— with sharks!

 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that people try to survive and sometimes it isn’t because they are completely self-involved that they do the things they do. But we are all responsible for our own choices and for maturing at some point, and I guess that this is what I mean to do. However, I also don’t want to loose or betray myself because when it comes down to it there really is nothing anyone can do for anyone else if they don’t love themselves and have themselves sorted out.

 

Well, this all just poured out but it felt great! Thanks again guys.

[[mo...]]

On the other hand, there always will be judgers because this is life and maybe it’s that I actually feel some or even the most resentment toward myself. :/ Still working with this.

[[se...]]

:thumbsup:  Here for you, mon pilote!

 

Agree leslie and mp, it's about not compromising or betraying yourself.  And allowing yourself to feel.

 

I can't help but think, MP, bc I've been to a lot of AA meetings too, the nuance of the discussion gets steamrolled by the chorus lines, the platitudes and cliches.  Resentments and letting go are a big theme.

[[mo...]]

I’m feeling sort of sad, I don’t think I’d call it depressed though that’s possible. I’m sad because I haven’t gone to all of the group events I could have and I’ve even missed a couple of regular nights. I’m sure that when I go back Tuesday I’ll feel better, but I guess I feel like I flaked or let myself down even though I sense that it could have been the right choice because while my energy levels have increased, I still am building strength and capacity. So, my lonely feeling may have gotten a little worse over the past week. It sincerely is the re-integration cornucopia of issues, and it’s bothering me that while I’m connecting beautifully with some (by all appearances and intuitions) healthy, quality and functioning individuals of the same gender, I have some emotional and mental processing to do that needs a better outlet.

 

How to remedy this? Well I haven’t figured that out. I guess it has had to do with the reasons I’ve stated before: physical energy and money. Before I addres and find commonality with others on the topic of iatrogenic injury in particular, I really feel like further progress could be delayed or even that I could have disaster until this happens. If I were to try and do more without some healing here in this area, I don’t think it will go over well. I am beginning to sense more and more the necessity for starting a group, and I almost wonder right now if doing so would lead to other opportunities for me— perhaps even career-related. As I write this I am getting even more of a felt sense.

 

So I am happy about this group and I’m thankful for so much, but I need to address the isolation and the need for birds of the same feather... because I am really tired of being the odd one out in so many ways in life. I don’t feel odd with these women or by comparison, it’s just that most of them have families by now or are at least working, functioning to full-capacity citizens. I am not necessarily there, and it’s so challenging not to be hard on myself. I’ve done so much more after the diet changes and supplements. I have shopped for myself, I always make food for myself and do the dishes now, I clean my area and shower daily, I walk five days a week, I watch waaay less tv and I listen to audio books now, there could be more that I can’t think of but I think that’s pretty much covering it. I guess also that I’d say I no longer feel I’m in withdrawal and that I don’t feel nearly as emotional and irritable. There is a definite feeling of assurity that I do not have a mental illness of any kind, which is so wonderful and it’s what I believed would happen and expected. This is all progress, it’s so hard though not to want the rest to come together now, because of the long wait for all these things. I mean, the trauma and ptsd from actual abuse and alcoholism and mj abuse (amd iatrogenisis) had me debilitated and swerving off the rails completely since 2009. That’s just about 10 bloody years ago! Ten years of this crud, but oh how there were worse times and how those times make me feel very weary of using one swear word. And I shouldn’t, so I’ll change them. I don’t think “bloody” is so bad, the British have much more euphemistic milder “strong” words.

 

Ah, so it’s alright, I’m grateful really. It’s not so bad making sure I don’t push myself too hard or take on too much/over-do. I’m truly not really all that behaviorally or mentally sick as it all turns out, probably I am healthy in those ways and fairly average. I guess it is the frustration of not having a lot of money and also having not reached 100% energy and health yet. If I had money, I could wait more easily for the other and would most likely move closer to what will be school and groups and even work someday soon. I so hope that it’s soon.

 

And I do have money, just enough, but I feel badly for the credit card debt I share with my mother and I am worried for us financially. I’m hoping that some of the audio books I have can help me get beyond some of the fears and limitations I have, that perhaps cutting out sugar and leaning even further away from things like beans, legumes, corn and even chicken (maybe) can help. I’ve really been trying to save money, and take on as much responsibility for myself as possible. I’m trying in a lot of ways though it is challenging to be patient, and I am feeling more in-touch with my real self but it’s very tough to feel as though this still isn’t the time yet where I can open my wings so to speak.

 

Probably I shoud make some lists and become more organized in what my dreams, goals, wishes/wants and desires are. Maybe a collage, ha. No, I don’t know. But there is a need for lots of catharsis, some creative outlets, joyful physical activities, social, so many needs still after so long. It can’t all be done at once, and it really can’t all be done because of finances (again,) I really do need a solution for that. That fact is so frustrating, because I used to love work and I do, I am just not sure exactly which direction to take. I feel this is all rambling and avoidance, cowardice and even laziness and rebellion, because I know for a fact that God has all of this and more for me, if I would only make time for Him daily, read and listen. Ugh! Help me with the spiritual battle I cannot see, help me Jesus Christ... I am weak, but in you I can do all things.

[[mo...]]

:thumbsup:  Here for you, mon pilote!

 

Agree leslie and mp, it's about not compromising or betraying yourself.  And allowing yourself to feel.

 

I can't help but think, MP, bc I've been to a lot of AA meetings too, the nuance of the discussion gets steamrolled by the chorus lines, the platitudes and cliches.  Resentments and letting go are a big theme.

 

Thank you seltzerer, It’s taking some time to respond thoughtfully to much but I agree about AA. It has been a lifesaver in many important ways, yet also sometimes and in some important ways terribly disappointing— I want more and better.

 

One thing I forgot to mention, unrelated to that, is I am struggling with over-eating  . Well I’m sure there was more to get out, and it feels like a lot of repetition, just all takes time.

[[Gr...]]

Hey guys.  MP- I totally hear you on the isolation.  No matter how many online friends I can have, it's no substitute for a real live person in the same town.  Are you talking about starting up a benzo or psychiatric drug withdrawal group in rl?  I have thought about doing this a few times too.  I am not really sure how I would do it.

 

I am doing better today than I have in a long time.  I am still having lots of strong emotions, but I am getting better at expressing myself, and not just getting angry at G.  He is going away for work this week, and it will be just me and my son.  I was supposed to have my nephew come visit, but now my sister is having car trouble, and it looks like things just might not work out. 

 

Tbh, mentally I feel actually pretty okay right now.  No big terrible things.  I do think I still have a hard time having fun and enjoying things but it's little things that still make me happy.  We have a fireplace, but can't use it, and the chimney sweep is coming on Friday.  I'm super excited about that. I think it's very nice to just sit and watch a fire burn. 

[[mo...]]

Hey guys.  MP- I totally hear you on the isolation.  No matter how many online friends I can have, it's no substitute for a real live person in the same town.  Are you talking about starting up a benzo or psychiatric drug withdrawal group in rl?  I have thought about doing this a few times too.  I am not really sure how I would do it.

 

I am doing better today than I have in a long time.  I am still having lots of strong emotions, but I am getting better at expressing myself, and not just getting angry at G.  He is going away for work this week, and it will be just me and my son.  I was supposed to have my nephew come visit, but now my sister is having car trouble, and it looks like things just might not work out. 

 

Tbh, mentally I feel actually pretty okay right now.  No big terrible things.  I do think I still have a hard time having fun and enjoying things but it's little things that still make me happy.  We have a fireplace, but can't use it, and the chimney sweep is coming on Friday.  I'm super excited about that. I think it's very nice to just sit and watch a fire burn.

 

Hey Green,

 

Yes, I would like to start an in real life group. I remember that there is a protocol for this, an actual bb one, but I haven’t tried to look this up again yet. It would be a good idea I think and it would be really neat to start looking at the process with you on here if you are interested. Kind of encouraging to hear that you’ve had the same idea.

 

And glad you are feeling good/much better mentally and emotionally. Sounds like we may be on a similar wavelength in some ways. Appreciating small things as well. It will be nice to have a working fireplace. I feel like I’m ready to enjoy things more, but I’m not speeding into anything yet. Don’t want to get my hopes up too high or get too overwhelmed even in small things, more and more. I don’t know though, if I had the means I’m sure I’d take ballet and try quite a few things actually again. I’d like to have a surfboard again too and I’m sure I could think of other things.

 

—

 

There is a lot more that I could express, but the forum is public in a way and I guess using my journal, looking for groups and possibly a new therapist are the other options. Certainly not going to spill it all on here, and I think maybe I will even be judicious about how I go back into my past— if/when I do. Not too keen on the idea of re-traumatizing myself.

 

I thought I’d mention too, I got the name of the book wrong... the one I’m supposed to look at for diet. It’s “Against All Grain,” by Danielle Walker. Oops. Also my naturopath suggested Elana Amsterdam’s website and I just visited and saw something else I started doing back when I quit coffee, and that is turning the WiFi off at night. Neat, anyway, I have said enough for now ☺️.