Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions

[[...]]

Interesting thread and I want to follow it for when I finish. I'm not off yet but I have been having a lot of inner conflict about the "after the taper".  I don't think I can go back to being who I was before...this experience is a part of my being now.  But since I'm still on, still hard to tell what's a real thought and what is the benzo...so will save further comments til I'm off. THanks.

[[Gw...]]

I can't believe I worked all through my taper and for nine months afterwards, only to be quitting now.  I'm able to take time off, which I desperately need to regain my health and sanity. How is it possible to have so much life upheaval within the span of a year? I think it's because I'm "showing up" to my life after a long time of being more "checked out" than I realized from the Valium. So lots of growth - and lots of growing pains.

 

I find I have no energy for housework. I avoid errands and cling to my routines just to get through the day. I poured so much of myself into my career that it became all-consuming. And because my career is in education, it requires emotional investment and a lot of pressure. It always has. I have nothing left to give to others right now.

 

I'm not giving up. I need to accept that I am where I need to be right now for my life to get better eventually - which it will.

[[se...]]

I can't believe I worked all through my taper and for nine months afterwards, only to be quitting now.  I'm able to take time off, which I desperately need to regain my health and sanity. How is it possible to have so much life upheaval within the span of a year? I think it's because I'm "showing up" to my life after a long time of being more "checked out" than I realized from the Valium. So lots of growth - and lots of growing pains.

 

I find I have no energy for housework. I avoid errands and cling to my routines just to get through the day. I poured so much of myself into my career that it became all-consuming. And because my career is in education, it requires emotional investment and a lot of pressure. It always has. I have nothing left to give to others right now.

 

I'm not giving up. I need to accept that I am where I need to be right now for my life to get better eventually - which it will.

 

Gwinna, I think you made a good decision. Health is more important. That was my decision too after trying for over a year and having med after med prescribed to me to control the sxs from the detox I went through. I said enough and took control of it all, got back on a benzo, and relied on my family for the second taper and I’m so glad I did. I have turned my health around. I’ve dropped over 80 pounds, my resting heart rate went from over 80 to 52. I got off blood pressure and cholesterol medication earlier this year too. All while healing after a rapid taper over 8 months ago. There are downsides but if you spend your time wisely, you can keep a foot in the game so when you go back, you won’t have such a shock. Treat yourself well during this time and it can help with a new perspective on your path and the world.  It’s amazing how our perspectives on so many things can change when we aren’t under constant threat.  You get the chance to find and engage in things that make you more whole. The world opens up a bit and it’s a little scary to not have the job security but rely on your plan and those around you. Great job!

[[Gr...]]

Hey guys.  I feel like I have made so much progress since I first posted in this thread, so I thought I would stop by and update.  I have been reading books and participating in a group for anxiety, and I am finding it very helpful.  The main techniques I find helpful are deep breathing, often, throughout the day, and again whenever I feel distressed in any way.  For me, I think during my taper, my normal emotions suddenly felt huge to me.  So if I felt some kind of shame over something before, suddenly the shame I would feel once I finished my taper was unbearably awful.  I am also learning to just let my thoughts happen and try to be an observer, and even a detective at times, wondering why I think certain things or just noticing what I am thinking about things. 

 

Just learning how to calm myself, and allow myself to have thoughts and emotions without needing to react too strongly has been a big change for me and is making my life, post-taper, so much better. 

[[Le...]]

So Good to Hear Greencup! I feel like I am in better control and less reactive in these past few months.  We are healing!

[[Gr...]]

So Good to Hear Greencup! I feel like I am in better control and less reactive in these past few months.  We are healing!

 

:smitten:

[[mo...]]

I have begun trauma therapy, I have listened to what you are saying seltzerer, thank you .

 

  Don’t worry, always want you to do well and make it out of this all... always, the sooner the better. Hope the bzd damage is gone and leaving you, never to return.

 

Always you are welcome back as my friend, I hope you will feel the same way about me too for a lifetime.

[[se...]]

I have begun trauma therapy, I have listened to what you are saying seltzerer, thank you .

 

  Don’t worry, always want you to do well and make it out of this all... always, the sooner the better. Hope the bzd damage is gone and leaving you, never to return.

 

Always you are welcome back as my friend, I hope you will feel the same way about me too for a lifetime.

 

I know, mon pilote, I do.  You too.  I hope you find the therapy helpful. ❤️

[[no...]]

wow i'm following the crap outta this thread too! 2 in one day thta's amazing.. will comment later on these posts hugs everyone 

[[Do...]]

Excellent thread Seltzerer...Where has this been?  In early posts I was begging for a place to go to discuss this reintegration.  Great word!  What a journey it is full if introspection.  Many days it is like doing things for the first time.  The emotional toll of w/d was traumatic.  Now dealing with the long term fall out of lingering sxs surrounded by perplexed family and friends.

As prevalent as this nuero injury is, one would think there would be support groups at least in larger cities.  I can't even find a therapist who understands this health crisis.

 

Thanks for this again.  Will be following.

[[se...]]

Hey,  we haven't used this thread in awhile but it would be great to see some conversation again.  Please feel free to start up again if you'd like.

 

I'm close to a year off now and think about what I went through daily still.  There are many aspects I'm still working on that happen mostly in social situations.  Family relationships are there but I guess I would say a little eroded. They are perplexed too.  That's a good word.

 

Confidence is growing but this process takes so long.  Who do you talk to if anybody?  I stopped therapy in December last year bc I wasn't getting anywhere with my therapist.  My mother asks me how I'm doing and wants to hear it so I tell her but she's the only person I talk to about what happened to me.  It's a little isolating but mostly I've been pouring my energy into exercising and that does so much for me and I can feel OK during the evenings.

[[no...]]

I found this description of why 12 step groups don’t work too well for us by a member at another website for people who’ve been harmed by psych meds, you don’t need a membership to read this and I won’t list the screen name for the privacy (hopefully) of the poster, but I think it relevant:

 

“ ‘ I dont know of any. The problem I see with going to AA or similar addiction groups is that our situation is completely iatrogenic, the fault of the pharmamedical establishment. I went to a detox for 3 horrid days and the blame placed upon the patients was something that has haunted me. It was anything but supportive and they did use the AA steps structure. I refuse to become involved with anything that does not differentiate between a known addictive drug/substance and our situation. The premise should be completely different. ‘



I went to AA for a while and it really made me realize just how bad our situation really is.  I remember meeting this one guy who was so heavily addicted to crack and heroin that he ended up homeless across the Border near El Paso texas, doing odd jobs for the mexican cartel.  This guy was on the streets in mexico doing hardcore crack and heroine for like 6 months - and then when I saw him it had been something like 6 months since he got sober.

 

In those 6 months he was basically fully functional again, and able to hold down a job, smile make jokes, amke good shares in the meetings etc.

 

I've met at least 10 other people in a similar situation as well.  And then there's the alcoholics, who can go from drinking like a barrel of wine every night for 30 years and fully recover within 6-12 months.

 

Meanwhile, here I am taking 20mg of cymbalta for 5 months, completely brain dead, so badly depersonalized and nerve damaged that I have been disabled for over 2 years with no end in sight.

 

So by being responsible patients, we've ended up in worse condition than hardcore homeless heroin junkies.

 

I listed to like 1000 people share their stories over that one year period or so, and I only met one person who had it as bad as me - and ironically, he had taken tricyclic antidepressants and antipsycotics with alcohol - it took him about 2 years to recover.

 

So from my experience going to AA - I can say with 100% confidence that taking antidepressants and benzos is like 1000% worse than doing most other recreational drugs that are out there - and has a MUCH MUCH slower recovery rate.

 

You NEVER hear a drug addict complaining about symptoms 2 years after stopping - never.  Ever.  They're talking about how to handle their emotions, keep their jobs, handle family etc, but I never heard anyone talk about the long term disabling symptoms of long term hardcore drug abuse (and yes, many many people were hardcore drug addicts and have fully recovered within a 3-9 month period).

 

Talk about a depressing comparison.

 

That being said, I did find it extremely helpful to go to these meetings.  People are really nice, and just sort of looked at me funny because I was struggling so bad with akathesia.  Two nice people gave me a place to stay for a couple of months when I had trouble finding an apartment - but only one or two people out of the approximately 150 people I met had any idea of what I was going through - and I had it like twice as bad as they ever did.

 

I'm technically like 18 months sober, so I could go to those meetings and attend - but I just don't find them very helpful and often get discouraged because I have such a hard time making conversation because the SSRI symptoms I have are so incredibly disabling. “

 

i agree precisely. well said. i tried to go back to NA (i had 2 years sober in AA many years ago when i drank until i discovered psych meds then quit. turns out i'm not an alcoholic after all) thinking at least the 12 steps might help and NA is all drugg addicts so..maybe? but it was not for me! i'm not an addict, and i didn't get to psych meds from looking for a fix to party with. and i don't believe in god so there's that. but i tried and after a few meetings i said later and now i found a lot of stuff about the occult origins and the history of how AA started and i'm glad i left. now i am tryying...now i am lEARNING to take responsibility for my own situation and what i do with my feelings from here on out...i don't need a higher power because i am my own higher power. other people have gotten off these drugs and so will i.

[[Do...]]

That's great ya have one person who asks and you feel comfortable talking to.  One human who gives a shit 'can' be enough.  So cool it's your mom.  I am quite a bit older but am finding the struggle is so similar no matter what the age.  I have an advantage of being older and more established in life so I was able to hide out and suffer without the worry of starving...or totally screwing up my career...or kids.  But it still took a huge toll on my marriage, friendships and other family relationships.  The toll it took on my body is frightening.  the ol' body is coming around ...but not like a 30 yr olds.  I spent my coupons and there is no more time to screw up.  Life is short and precious.  I was to a place where it was all paying off and it was time to enjoy...then w/d hit.  Thought I was well acquainted with pain...I didn't know shit.  The emotional pain was unbearable.  Still is sometimes.

 

Seltzerer, I turned 58 in July at a cabin 10,000 ft in beautiful Mnts.  It was a joy...sxs and all.  I was tough and very active before w/d.  Independent and happy for the most part. W/D brought me to my knees.  This is strange but at my age, my ol' 88yr old mom is the person who checks on me and asks questions about how I am coming along.  She seems to get it so much more than my husband or family. 

Give your mom a hug...I will too!  Peace and Healing.

 

 

 

[[no...]]

Oh you guys remind me I am due for a haircut.  I just took my son in for one, and oh, I guess that was already two weeks ago.  Between haircuts and dentist appointments, I feel like that is the max I can do, but I actually do more, and I just don't feel great while doing it. 

 

I've met with a new therapist this week.  She seems like she really knows cognitive behavioral therapy.  I'm excited for this, as I am hoping it is going to help me.  I'm also listening to the book, "Dance of Anger"again, as I feel like this has a lot of info about anger and relationships and defining ourselves. 

 

With my anger, I do think I might be treating my husband unfairly, and maybe I am really angry at something else, and not him.  It's so hard to say. 

 

I actually have forgotten how I got here.  I remember the facts of having a kid and dating my husband, but I don't remember falling in love, or the years we allegedly have now spent together.  I feel like that is a big factor in why I find him annoying now and not endearing.  I feel like this about a lot of decisions.  I remember the facts, but not my feelings or supportive arguments of why I did something.

 

i have guilt over not remembering about 3 years straight that my Hubby told me about and other missing huge chunks of time thru our 21 years married. he is very understanding, but , how do you know what it's like unless you've been on the other side? he knows his horrible memories of those times, and i have no memory of it and just guilt instead for not being the wife i "sh/could" have been... but i'm learning to accept the feelings and move forward even though a lot of this is miserable. i know it will pass. thanks for sharing your experience with us 

[[no...]]

...) but for all of good mercy, I really just want to melt and be held.

 

me too. you put into words what i could not. 

[[mo...]]

I found this description of why 12 step groups don’t work too well for us by a member at another website for people who’ve been harmed by psych meds, you don’t need a membership to read this and I won’t list the screen name for the privacy (hopefully) of the poster, but I think it relevant:

 

“ ‘ I dont know of any. The problem I see with going to AA or similar addiction groups is that our situation is completely iatrogenic, the fault of the pharmamedical establishment. I went to a detox for 3 horrid days and the blame placed upon the patients was something that has haunted me. It was anything but supportive and they did use the AA steps structure. I refuse to become involved with anything that does not differentiate between a known addictive drug/substance and our situation. The premise should be completely different. ‘



I went to AA for a while and it really made me realize just how bad our situation really is.  I remember meeting this one guy who was so heavily addicted to crack and heroin that he ended up homeless across the Border near El Paso texas, doing odd jobs for the mexican cartel.  This guy was on the streets in mexico doing hardcore crack and heroine for like 6 months - and then when I saw him it had been something like 6 months since he got sober.

 

In those 6 months he was basically fully functional again, and able to hold down a job, smile make jokes, amke good shares in the meetings etc.

 

I've met at least 10 other people in a similar situation as well.  And then there's the alcoholics, who can go from drinking like a barrel of wine every night for 30 years and fully recover within 6-12 months.

 

Meanwhile, here I am taking 20mg of cymbalta for 5 months, completely brain dead, so badly depersonalized and nerve damaged that I have been disabled for over 2 years with no end in sight.

 

So by being responsible patients, we've ended up in worse condition than hardcore homeless heroin junkies.

 

I listed to like 1000 people share their stories over that one year period or so, and I only met one person who had it as bad as me - and ironically, he had taken tricyclic antidepressants and antipsycotics with alcohol - it took him about 2 years to recover.

 

So from my experience going to AA - I can say with 100% confidence that taking antidepressants and benzos is like 1000% worse than doing most other recreational drugs that are out there - and has a MUCH MUCH slower recovery rate.

 

You NEVER hear a drug addict complaining about symptoms 2 years after stopping - never.  Ever.  They're talking about how to handle their emotions, keep their jobs, handle family etc, but I never heard anyone talk about the long term disabling symptoms of long term hardcore drug abuse (and yes, many many people were hardcore drug addicts and have fully recovered within a 3-9 month period).

 

Talk about a depressing comparison.

 

That being said, I did find it extremely helpful to go to these meetings.  People are really nice, and just sort of looked at me funny because I was struggling so bad with akathesia.  Two nice people gave me a place to stay for a couple of months when I had trouble finding an apartment - but only one or two people out of the approximately 150 people I met had any idea of what I was going through - and I had it like twice as bad as they ever did.

 

I'm technically like 18 months sober, so I could go to those meetings and attend - but I just don't find them very helpful and often get discouraged because I have such a hard time making conversation because the SSRI symptoms I have are so incredibly disabling. “

 

i agree precisely. well said. i tried to go back to NA (i had 2 years sober in AA many years ago when i drank until i discovered psych meds then quit. turns out i'm not an alcoholic after all) thinking at least the 12 steps might help and NA is all drugg addicts so..maybe? but it was not for me! i'm not an addict, and i didn't get to psych meds from looking for a fix to party with. and i don't believe in god so there's that. but i tried and after a few meetings i said later and now i found a lot of stuff about the occult origins and the history of how AA started and i'm glad i left. now i am tryying...now i am lEARNING to take responsibility for my own situation and what i do with my feelings from here on out...i don't need a higher power because i am my own higher power. other people have gotten off these drugs and so will i.

 

I agree that you will, and that you will fully recover. I believe in tolerance and civility, and obviously love (agape). I didn’t realize that Jordan Peterson has already used/also uses the phrase “individual sovereignty,” which is also something I believe in. I think he has many intelligent and totally practical ideas/ways of thinking (for lack of better wording) but I may be going on a tangent with this.

 

Basically, I agree and support you! And I’m excited about the future: yours, mine and ours as a group. I think the group is this one, yes, but it’s all iatrogenically harmed individuals. I think that despite the circumstances, as a group and even as sentient beings being life on this planet with other life forms, there is still hope.

 

You have helped encourage hope, love and even faith in me. Thank you, please do contribute and stick around. It’s great that we crossed paths and you care, and that you came over nomo .

 

As for my faith, ah! Tolerate me, please. I am learning and growing as time passes, and figuring out how I fit in. I don’t ever want to turn people off with proclamations. It has saved my life, and I’m thankful. The last thing I would want is to act righteous, pious or religious. I haven’t found all the language for these things, or how to express myself appropriately yet in this sense, including when to say nothing at all.

 

I’m interested in your dirt on 12 step groups. Even though they have rescued me in the past and I appreciate different aspects, there is so much that is so wrong and can even be quite harmful in my opinion. Probably goes without saying at this point, but I’m curious about understanding more and am certainly curious about potential solutions and/or alternatives.

 

I want to learn how to use abbreviated quotes and polish up my technical (posting) skills. So much for a long break from posting, ha.

 

Hopefully I can just relax for a while and trust, so that things make sense and I can have a more fulfilling life and feel less lonely and frightened so that I can be offline more too again. Was and am so done with being online and most all tech, aside from using a camera, uploading and cropping photos and someday editing film. I don’t even like using words that much.

 

We all need more help/assistance/validation/understanding/support/guidance in real life for what has happened to us. The reality is that all of this is clearly not here for us and that it will take self control and self-discipline in order to survive and to heal. Also time,patience and self-compassion. My phone kept trying to capitalize patience in the middle of that sentence. And acceptance, I’m still struggling with finding more of all of these. (Feel I’ve covered it for now.)

[[no...]]

... then there was a time last fall after I saw some documentaries and decided to go vegan and then I also made the choice to avoid gluten for a while like I’d said— actually that was spurred by my mother seeing the same naturopath that I am now seeing. In doing those that time, those huge changes, I became able to see that changing my diet wasn’t so hard a challenge as I’d always thought. I thought those two changes would be so hard, but I was determined to do it for many reasons at the time, and I sort of just realized how many foods there are and how many dishes and tastes are possible with vegetables, grains (without gluten even) and legumes. I don’t know, it almost widened my concepts of food and helped me to become more creative in such a way that a more relaxed ability to become creative with food just happened and I think that is why I am capable of making the changes now so easily. That and specifically the fact you mentioned, needing more energy. But I do understand what you are saying, I think that time did something for me however and if I can feel better, I’ll do it. I still haven’t given up potatoes, brown rice, legumes and gluten-free grains... those things do a lot for me, I really get it about feeling a need for carbs. They are so very comforting.

 

mon pilote i think we're some kinda space twins! lol

 

i too was vegan very strict but after a year and a half craved salmon, shrimp and crawfish specifically....no other meat or animals....so i went with it, found the texture of salmon too much like "flesh" lol and then just used shrimp and crawfish. i felt so much better...i reasearched and found the thing that gave their coloring astaxanthin also came from certain algae and once i switched to taking chlorella and spirulina, i felt my shrimp.crawfish/dsalmon cravings disappear. also lotsa energy with the 50/50 chlorella and spirulina. detoxification enhanced. i was dairy free until i reintroduced very small amounts of butter, ghee and milk used in cooking (pancakes) . i went dairy free when i went vegan and my mucous issues disappeared. when i reintroduced tiny amounts of dairy, the mucous came back but only a little bit, barely noticable. i feel guilt using animal products but, hell i have to live and somewhere along the line even my veggies plantbased diet has beeen contaminated so i am looseningmy grip on my vegan card    i agree the gluten isnt great for me, but if i do it in moderation, and use great sources for my breads, i'm good. it is expensive as f%#* but it is cheaper than cancer. i just hope i dont get alzheimers dementia or some other disease that steals the mind from taking my meds all those years. maybe somebody will take care of me if that happens. or maybe i wont have it at all!

[[mo...]]

...) but for all of good mercy, I really just want to melt and be held.

 

me too. you put into words what i could not. 

 

I know, still... To this day.

[[se...]]

That's great ya have one person who asks and you feel comfortable talking to.  One human who gives a shit 'can' be enough.  So cool it's your mom.  I am quite a bit older but am finding the struggle is so similar no matter what the age.  I have an advantage of being older and more established in life so I was able to hide out and suffer without the worry of starving...or totally screwing up my career...or kids.  But it still took a huge toll on my marriage, friendships and other family relationships.  The toll it took on my body is frightening.  the ol' body is coming around ...but not like a 30 yr olds.  I spent my coupons and there is no more time to screw up.  Life is short and precious.  I was to a place where it was all paying off and it was time to enjoy...then w/d hit.  Thought I was well acquainted with pain...I didn't know shit.  The emotional pain was unbearable.  Still is sometimes.

 

Seltzerer, I turned 58 in July at a cabin 10,000 ft in beautiful Mnts.  It was a joy...sxs and all.  I was tough and very active before w/d.  Independent and happy for the most part. W/D brought me to my knees.  This is strange but at my age, my ol' 88yr old mom is the person who checks on me and asks questions about how I am coming along.  She seems to get it so much more than my husband or family. 

Give your mom a hug...I will too!  Peace and Healing.

 

Well, I'm 40.  I tried to get off for over a year while working.  The detox I went through really messed things up although I was struggling with withdrawal symptoms prior to that for several years.  I don't know the impact it will have on my career long-term but it's better than being dead.  I was about there. The time off was SO helpful.  I could focus on my withdrawal and getting healthy.  I don't have kids and I'm not married so I may have a chance at having a family.  Withdrawal took a huge toll on my body too but I basically built myself back up through exercise.  It's remarkable how our bodies can recover.

 

The emotional pain is beyond hell.  Seems like you may be able to make a recovery to where you were before w/d? 58 is plenty of time.  Your mother's still alive, you must have good genes and that's so great she checks on you.  One thing that I have noticed is that my family has changed slightly the way they behave toward me.  They saw where I was and see me now and they understand something bad happened.  That can't comprehend it much more than that and they just keep their distance.  Unfortunately it's about seeing it and so the mental is so confusing to them.  They are more understanding and less judgemental than they were.  I don't know if I'll get much further than that and I think that's kind of a shitty outcome from this.  There are other issues happening too.  It's complex how it always is with families.

[[Do...]]

We both have plenty of time to accomplish and enjoy life.  For the first few months, I was in a total panic because I feared a permanent disability.  Sounds like you are doing well..and I am getting there.  40 yrs is a good time of life.  My friend had his first kid at 54yrs.  Ya don't have to wait that long... 

We are blessed to have the time to take care of our health.  I didn't realize how much time and energy it takes to get thru w/d.  It looks like we are selfish but what we have to do is everything in our power to survive this.  This new self-centered approach confused my husband and family.  I am still learning about self care.  My husband just wants it over so it can go back to way it was before.  Nothing will be the same after this...he just doesn't get it....yet.  Some of my family members think I am a crazy addict.  I really don't mind.  Keeps them at a distance.  I don't expect much either from certain people.  This experience has changed us...and I think it's gonna be a good thing!  Take care

[[Wh...]]

I'm glad to have come across this thread today. Thanks to everyone for participating. This is a need for sure, to talk about what's going on and maybe, maybe, be understood.

 

The trauma of this iatrogenic injury seems to be more and more embedded by my trying to connect with others in real life, including therapists, whenever I talk about what has happened to me.  It's like I have become more and more disassociated from myself and what I know, in order to live in this world and be a part of IT.  I basically have to shut up and not talk about it which makes me feel even more alienated and isolated and disconnected from my truth.

 

There are a few issues for me, one big problem is trust and the other problem is the fear of being judged, maybe they are the same problem.  I can hardly deal with the stinging nerve pain in my head, neck and shoulders, never mind have to relate to others and try to reintegrate back into society.  I'm scared of being attacked which makes me feel like I should never express an opinion.  I don't even have the brain capacity to defend my point of view and yet there is a driving need to be myself and say my peace.  Most of the time I want to scream from pain and yet no one would ever know.  I have to walk very slowly and gently thru life and in all my interactions and plans.  Many people are difficult, everyone is going thru their own things and history and trauma.

 

I think my main job is to listen to my emotions, work with them, releasing and processing their torrents by myself, where it's safe and then setting the appropriate boundaries.  All this is very, very difficult with a damaged brain but I have no other choice that I know of.  My job is to learn and grow and take care of me.  I am grateful for the very few people in my life that I can talk freely to and be myself.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

[[se...]]

We both have plenty of time to accomplish and enjoy life.  For the first few months, I was in a total panic because I feared a permanent disability.  Sounds like you are doing well..and I am getting there.  40 yrs is a good time of life.  My friend had his first kid at 54yrs.  Ya don't have to wait that long... 

We are blessed to have the time to take care of our health.  I didn't realize how much time and energy it takes to get thru w/d.  It looks like we are selfish but what we have to do is everything in our power to survive this.  This new self-centered approach confused my husband and family.  I am still learning about self care.  My husband just wants it over so it can go back to way it was before.  Nothing will be the same after this...he just doesn't get it....yet.  Some of my family members think I am a crazy addict.  I really don't mind.  Keeps them at a distance.  I don't expect much either from certain people.  This experience has changed us...and I think it's gonna be a good thing!  Take care

 

Glad to hear things are getting better for you.  Over a very long timeline, they've steadily improved for me and they still are.  I had to be selfish and do it my way too.  It was so difficult to withstand the shame I felt but things have paid off and I know it is right for me.

[[Do...]]

Whoa..Seltz....The most profane word I know; Shame.  I have this bucket I put all my emotional crap in.  I call it my 'shit bucket'.  It was overflowing with shame for quite some time.  I just couldn't stand the smell of it anymore.  Have done some good work in the past couple months to lighten the load.  We are not built to carry that crap around. 

[[se...]]

I'm glad to have come across this thread today. Thanks to everyone for participating. This is a need for sure, to talk about what's going on and maybe, maybe, be understood.

 

The trauma of this iatrogenic injury seems to be more and more embedded by my trying to connect with others in real life, including therapists, whenever I talk about what has happened to me.  It's like I have become more and more disassociated from myself and what I know, in order to live in this world and be a part of IT.  I basically have to shut up and not talk about it which makes me feel even more alienated and isolated and disconnected from my truth.

 

There are a few issues for me, one big problem is trust and the other problem is the fear of being judged, maybe they are the same problem.  I can hardly deal with the stinging nerve pain in my head, neck and shoulders, never mind have to relate to others and try to reintegrate back into society.  I'm scared of being attacked which makes me feel like I should never express an opinion.  I don't even have the brain capacity to defend my point of view and yet there is a driving need to be myself and say my peace.  Most of the time I want to scream from pain and yet no one would ever know.  I have to walk very slowly and gently thru life and in all my interactions and plans.  Many people are difficult, everyone is going thru their own things and history and trauma.

 

I think my main job is to listen to my emotions, work with them, releasing and processing their torrents by myself, where it's safe and then setting the appropriate boundaries.  All this is very, very difficult with a damaged brain but I have no other choice that I know of.  My job is to learn and grow and take care of me.  I am grateful for the very few people in my life that I can talk freely to and be myself.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Whoopsie, I can relate to the distrust and fear.  Since you've been off, what has worked for you?  I find if I listen too much to my emtions, it gets worse and I end up riding a roller coaster.  What I've been doing lately is to push past it and then when I get overwhelmed I usually return to/focus on taking care of myself - sleep, healthy diet, exercise, grooming, meditation and reflection - and then start again once I've "reset".  There are some situations and people I just avoid though because it's too overwhelming and does more damage than good.  Have you tried and found therapy helpful at all?  Exposure, CBT?

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Whoa..Seltz....The most profane word I know; Shame.  I have this bucket I put all my emotional crap in.  I call it my 'shit bucket'.  It was overflowing with shame for quite some time.  I just couldn't stand the smell of it anymore.  Have done some good work in the past couple months to lighten the load.  We are not built to carry that crap around.

 

What works to help lighten the load?  I think the biggest things for me are standing up to any perceived sources of it and building self-confidence by improving my health, appearance, behavior, interactions with others.