Re-integration / Working Through Thoughts & Emotions

[[no...]]

... What I've been doing lately is to push past it and then when I get overwhelmed I usually return to/focus on taking care of myself - sleep, healthy diet, exercise, grooming, meditation and reflection - and then start again once I've "reset".  There are some situations and people I just avoid though because it's too overwhelming and does more damage than good.

 

same here. reset is a great way to describe it

[[mo...]]

I'm glad to have come across this thread today. Thanks to everyone for participating. This is a need for sure, to talk about what's going on and maybe, maybe, be understood.

 

The trauma of this iatrogenic injury seems to be more and more embedded by my trying to connect with others in real life, including therapists, whenever I talk about what has happened to me.  It's like I have become more and more disassociated from myself and what I know, in order to live in this world and be a part of IT.  I basically have to shut up and not talk about it which makes me feel even more alienated and isolated and disconnected from my truth.

 

There are a few issues for me, one big problem is trust and the other problem is the fear of being judged, maybe they are the same problem.  I can hardly deal with the stinging nerve pain in my head, neck and shoulders, never mind have to relate to others and try to reintegrate back into society.  I'm scared of being attacked which makes me feel like I should never express an opinion.  I don't even have the brain capacity to defend my point of view and yet there is a driving need to be myself and say my peace.  Most of the time I want to scream from pain and yet no one would ever know.  I have to walk very slowly and gently thru life and in all my interactions and plans.  Many people are difficult, everyone is going thru their own things and history and trauma.

 

I think my main job is to listen to my emotions, work with them, releasing and processing their torrents by myself, where it's safe and then setting the appropriate boundaries.  All this is very, very difficult with a damaged brain but I have no other choice that I know of.  My job is to learn and grow and take care of me.  I am grateful for the very few people in my life that I can talk freely to and be myself.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Thank you, this makes so much sense to me. Thank you for being here, and for being my friend.

[[mo...]]

seltzerer:

‘ I am so much like you, mon pilote.  Some of the things here are really difficult to deal with.  For me, a lot boils down to values and priorities.  Issues of bandwidth, dealing with uncertainty, making decisions from myriad possibilities, reigning in over-thinking and over-extending, weighing short-term and long-term.  It gets a little easier as I get older bc partly, more and more, I just don't care what others think.  I'm becoming more selfish and it's helping.  I should have started this sooner.  I think it's a basic assumption in economics - assume the individual is out for themselves. Wouldn't you know, things get a little easier when I stop swimming against the current.  No more banging my head into the wall trying to figure it out the hard way.  I love lists too btw and have heard that's a really fantastic book. ‘

...

You really had my back, you have done it numerous times. Thank you for putting up with my crappy behavior, but it wasn’t taking it it was patience, because you later took the care of pointing it out to me, and then forgiving me in a beautiful way. I have respect for you, and like you so much. I’m sorry, still. You are a kind and giving person, and I appreciate you.

[[Wh...]]

I'm glad to have come across this thread today. Thanks to everyone for participating. This is a need for sure, to talk about what's going on and maybe, maybe, be understood.

 

The trauma of this iatrogenic injury seems to be more and more embedded by my trying to connect with others in real life, including therapists, whenever I talk about what has happened to me.  It's like I have become more and more disassociated from myself and what I know, in order to live in this world and be a part of IT.  I basically have to shut up and not talk about it which makes me feel even more alienated and isolated and disconnected from my truth.

 

There are a few issues for me, one big problem is trust and the other problem is the fear of being judged, maybe they are the same problem.  I can hardly deal with the stinging nerve pain in my head, neck and shoulders, never mind have to relate to others and try to reintegrate back into society.  I'm scared of being attacked which makes me feel like I should never express an opinion.  I don't even have the brain capacity to defend my point of view and yet there is a driving need to be myself and say my peace.  Most of the time I want to scream from pain and yet no one would ever know.  I have to walk very slowly and gently thru life and in all my interactions and plans.  Many people are difficult, everyone is going thru their own things and history and trauma.

 

I think my main job is to listen to my emotions, work with them, releasing and processing their torrents by myself, where it's safe and then setting the appropriate boundaries.  All this is very, very difficult with a damaged brain but I have no other choice that I know of.  My job is to learn and grow and take care of me.  I am grateful for the very few people in my life that I can talk freely to and be myself.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Whoopsie, I can relate to the distrust and fear.  Since you've been off, what has worked for you?  I find if I listen too much to my emtions, it gets worse and I end up riding a roller coaster.  What I've been doing lately is to push past it and then when I get overwhelmed I usually return to/focus on taking care of myself - sleep, healthy diet, exercise, grooming, meditation and reflection - and then start again once I've "reset".  There are some situations and people I just avoid though because it's too overwhelming and does more damage than good.  Have you tried and found therapy helpful at all?  Exposure, CBT?

 

Thank you for letting me know that you relate to the same feelings Seltzerer, I appreciate it as it feels so vulnerable to share feelings.  For me, I choose to work with the emotions with an understanding that there is a storehouse of them that has to be dealt with and released.  I believe that you have to feel it to heal it.  So, I work with the emotions, allowing them to surface, feeling them, writing about them, talking about them, but not letting them take over my behaviour.  I have to let the hot air out and then I can choose what I want to do about a situation using my rational "injured" brain.  It's hard because of the injury, it's difficult to have confidence in what I do come up with.  Nevertheless, I have to go with my choices and hope they are wise.  I sure hope this makes sense.  The back of my head is squeezing so hard today it's hard to think clearly and communicate.  Sorry, I can't finish this today I don't think but wanted to try.

 

I live in a Seniors building where there are 140 units, we have lots of flower beds all around which I have become very involved in taking care of, basically I'm the master flower bed "take carer of" here with the most knowledge and physical ability to do the work.  A man in the building volunteered to help with watering so I asked him do that for the main bed in the front.  I asked him to water daily while it's so hot. One day, I went out to check on some new flowers I'd planted in there the day before to see how they were doing.  They were drooping over and the dirt was dry so I watered the bed myself.  When I talked to him later that day he had told me that another woman (who does absolutely no work to help at all and only criticizes) told him to stop watering for a few days.  The poor guy has no backbone and the woman is a know it all.  OMG.  I felt angry at her interfering because the plants were dying.  He said he didn't know who the boss was.  Ugh!!  I vented my anger with a friend and after a few hours I decided to not confront her because I didn't want to get involved in some kind of drama triangle.  I felt he needed to stand up for himself and it wasn't my responsibility to rescue him.  I let him know that the bed needed watering daily right now to stay healthy and alive and to please do that.  All has been going well until last night.

 

On my way out, I ended up on the elevator with the woman.  She raised the topic and told me that John (the guy) is over watering the bed.  OMG.  So, it looks like I'm in it even though I don't want to be.  I told her that I had asked him to water daily and that she is wrong about the over watering.  That was the end, thankfully it was a short elevator ride.  So, this is hard on me because confrontations are YUCK.  Of course the conversation goes round and round in my head while I was out, that's the part I really don't like because I get into, I should have said ... and I did it all wrong and if I was perfect I'd be able to say the perfectly kind thing so that everyone is happy.

 

When I got home, I went and had a look at the bed.  It's beautiful and healthy so I was relieved.  It had scared me that the bed may have been destroyed by over watering as she had indicated.  I phoned him today to let him know that whatever he's been doing is working because the bed looks wonderful and thanked him for his work.  I advised him that if he pays attention to the plants and the weather, he'll know exactly what they need as we come into the last month of summer as the weather changes.  So, this woman may hate me now, I don't know.  Damn.  I have to let it go and see what happens.  Ugh.  I just want to get along with others but that does not seem possible for me and really an injured brain is sure problematic making matters so much worse for me.  My poor body, my poor brain, please leave me alone people.

 

I saw this helpful meme today which I saved ... "People may love you, people may hate you and none of it has anything to do with you."  I have to detach from whether people like me or not.  Boy that's hard.  Also I heard this from the Tao te Ching "Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner."  I wrote them both down to help me sort out what's happening for me in this situation.  I cannot control others, period.  Okay, I'm done.  Poor head.  Poor body.    Thanks for reading.

 

Mon Pilote ... thank you for your feedback and hi. 

[[se...]]

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with your neighbors, Whoopsie. I understand what you're saying about working with the emotions.  I wish you luck with that.  I've found it can hurt a lot and for me, it's easier to get stuck if I dwell or ruminate on them too much.  That's one of the very hard lessons I've learned through all of this.  I think I "feel" things so intensely and passionately compared to many others or so it seems.  I once got involved with an HSP group and identified with so much of their experiences.  Not only emotionally but the physical manifestations as well.

[[Do...]]

Whoopsie...thanks for following.  Couldn't agree more.

 

"I saw this helpful meme today which I saved ... "People may love you, people may hate you and none of it has anything to do with you."  I have to detach from whether people like me or not.  Boy that's hard.  Also I heard this from the Tao te Ching "Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner."  I wrote them both down to help me sort out what's happening for me in this situation.  I cannot control others, period.  Okay, I'm done.  Poor head.  Poor body.    Thanks for reading."

[[Ev...]]

Thank you guys for this thread. I keep telling myself I’m going to stay off the site because it’s really triggering for me. But positive threads like are really helpful. I feel very disconnected and alone. Someone sent me this quote this AM and it’s really made me think. Maybe a lot of my own suffering is due to my own mindset...

 

 

“Instead of being scared of what can go wrong, start being excited about what can go right.”

[[es...]]

Hopeful, no one should have to feel alone. I am ten weeks off k after a 14 month imperfect taper. I am still very dysfunctional, as I have been for over a year now. However you view your current state of healing, I am sure there are people here who will relate. Espy

[[Do...]]

Yes Quest...Positive threads are so helpful.  I get on this forum and set out on my mission to find some hope and healing.  Can be difficult to find some days...But then I stumble on to something that makes me laugh or even believe.  I love reading about other's progress and healing.  Healing is happening to all of us but we forget to take a closer look.  It is easy to get lost in the pain and overlook the healing that is going on.  I try to look at it like this:  We are healing whether we feel it, believe it or embrace it.  Our bodies know what to do.  Sure can't hurt to align your thinking with your body's intention to heal and find homeostasis.  Sure does help me through the rough times!  Hang in there Quest...you are healing.  I know it's hard to see with all you have been through.

[[es...]]

Hopeful, I re-read my post to you and, even though I intended it to be supportive, I think I really blew it. I was reading in something that may have not been there. I had the idea that you might feel alone because you thought you weren’t as well as others who are in the same time frame. I think I was projecting. I feel very positive about my healing. It is not where I want it to be, but it is not where it was a few weeks ago. I firmly believe we all heal. I have read this thread many times, but never jumped in before. Everyone here is newly off and we are off Safely. The other side did not open up and swallow us. We made it to freedom and that is the first step to a better life. On a positive note, I have noticed that, even though I haven’t had a window yet, I have seen a few subtle changes. I am reading for the first time in a year, with enthusiasm. And it is Not a book about Benzos! Other changes too. I can seem them more clearly when I look back at how I had been. Such a strange journey, right? Love, Esperanza

[[Ev...]]

DoveLuv, you’ve been one of my biggest sources of support in this site. I can always count on you for a comforting and positive message. Thank you, your words of encouragement have saved me on my darkest days.

 

Esperanza, I took your message only as positive, thank you for the words of encouragement. I too have days where I’m feeling very positive about my healing, thank God this morning is one of them.

 

I have struggled through one of the worst waves at 6 months out. This may have been triggered about my failed attempt to return to work, my embarrassment and fear of what my colleagues think of me, the ruin of a 10 year career and fear of how I will pick up all the pieces when this is all said and done. I think I could deal with this healing journey if I wasn’t so afraid of the aftermath of what my life has become and how I will fix it and move forward. How I will take care of my son. I must admit I had a very very dark and scary day yesterday, I was dangerously close to making a very permanent life decision, but I am here today and woke up feeling good and hopeful. The waves and windows are so perplexing and hard to understand. But I’m so THANKFUL for the hope and well being I feel in my body today.

 

I know this will all be over one day and I’m so proud of making it through the taper (damn that was hard and scary!!!). I just have to tell myself that if I can beat benzos, I can find another job. After beating benzos I feel we will have the confidence to conquer anything. The thing that scares me is that cognitively my brain is not functioning well many days and I don’t feel capable of working at this point. I’m trying to just practice acceptance that it’s ok, my brain doesn’t work right now and although it’s so scary, it’s temporary. I need to just focus on my healing and the rest will come.

 

Thank you all for the support 

[[Do...]]

Wow Quest, You just described the most harrowing part of this neuro injury.  These dark thoughts come without an invitation and stay...until they leave. These thoughts of hopelessness and despair have covered me for days...many times.  Early on, I recognized these thoughts left for no apparent reason.  I had to just wait it out...and..the veil always lifted.  So puzzling and frightening.  I would repeatedly tell myself that it's the instability in my brain causing these dark moods.  These thoughts will pass and they always do! 

Thanks for being so honest and raw about your experiences.  I think a lot of people can relate.

[[Le...]]

Absolutely!!