13 to 17 month group

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Hey Songbird, LiveAboveIt, Pinky and Buddies! 

 

We are in the same boat... although I have never had a window!

 

This feels so terribly permanent... BUT it is only an illusion. How many posts of this kind have I read on BBs since joining 3.5 years ago? An awful many of them! People don't believe they can heal until they do. And they really do!

 

After a year of daily struggle (gates of Hell open nightmare), it is only normal to feel like we are tiring and can't take much more... BUT we are warriors and in this together. We will see each other make it to the other end 

 

Keep at what helps to get you through this, hobbies, success stories... do your best and try to believe this is enough. Someday all of this will be rewarded - I don't know what I will wish to do with my life, that is the exciting part, but I can very well believe that I will be a new person, strong, empathetic and Goodness knows... I am eager to meet myself after 14 years of disconnect. What's another few months for such a reward? Come on, we can all do this - we've made it this far! 

 

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[pi...]]

Hugs Julz.....loved the post.

Needed it after the hellish day i had.

 

In this together.....hope your all well my fellow benzo buds. wish you well today

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13.5 months out, just wanted to follow this thread and join all of you.  I'm at work so can't write much.. but I'm basically in the same boat with everyone else. 

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13.5 months out, just wanted to follow this thread and join all of you.  I'm at work so can't write much.. but I'm basically in the same boat with everyone else.

 

I've been thinking of you, T1D! Hang in there, you are not alone... good luck with work!

 

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[So...]]

Thank you so much for always kind and encouraging words Julz you are so lovely and helpful thank you so much

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Thank you so much for always kind and encouraging words Julz you are so lovely and helpful thank you so much

 

I agree, you’ve picked me up so many times Julz.

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Hugs to all of you! 

 

Julz xx

[[Ke...]]

I'm on month 14 and still wake up everyday tired and fatigued, occasionally I have a rapid heart rate when I wake up.  My sleep sucks, fall asleep easily but can't stay asleep for more than a couple of hours at a time.  My anxiety has lessened a little bit but not much.  My worst symptom by far is the fear, impending doom and not being able to do the things I used to do such as playing golf, running, and just going places in general.  Im able to work and I can go to the grocery store but thats about it.  I love to drive and used to take road trips a few times a month so not being able to drive is making me even more crazy.  Hopefully this nightmare will end soon, haven't seen any windows for more than an hour or two at a time and there have only been a couple of those. 

[[Ry...]]

Following this group. I passed a year off last month and have been in a major wave going on 5 weeks now. Probably the worst feeling since month 2 or 6. I have seen some healing over the last year but the shit show continues. This current wave has been a bit different than the past. I’ll go from feeling like I can handle this to feeling hopeless and depressed multiple times in a day. The DR and brain fog also varies in extremes multiple times during the day. I’m hoping this is my brain figuring things out but it’s a hit to my morale no doubt.

[[pi...]]

I hear ya man. The 12 - 15 month period was pretty brutal for me. Month 16 though things seemed to lighten up considerably. Its still same old issues but everything got turned down a good 30% to the point I was starting to look forward to things again. I shot myself in the foot though cause I drank red wine and got pretty drunk at a house party with colleagues 2 weeks back. It was so nice to feel normal for like a few hours that I just gave up and did the stupid thing. 2 weeks later and I feel like I set myself back to month 15 where I was coming out of hell slowly again. Only beginning to stablise again today. Im now firmly in the "dont drink" camp, I was on the fence. Our brains are obviously figuring things out like you say and even when you start to feel aspects of 'normal' again dont run before you can walk. I tried to jump right back into life with a night out drinking and now have to return to hell for 2 weeks because of it. Good news is our systems are definitely healing, however slowly it is its happening. I couldn't have a sip of wine without having a month long wave around 8 months.

[[Li...]]

I feel like my case is unusual. Everyone keeps talking about progress and windows, but I haven't had one in like 4-5 months. I'm just struggling with mental symptoms hardcore and this unwavering anxiety that seems to last nearly all day, every day. Just don't feel like myself. I guess I'd say that my progress is in the way that my insomnia is completely gone and I don't struggle with cog fog or memory issues anymore. But it's hard to feel great about all that when I'm stuck in this constant anxiety and obsession issues.

[[2t...]]

Just following this thread as I am in the same boat as most of you and recognise many names here.

[[Ry...]]

I'm in a place where I need to really memorialize my improvements to fend off the lies that sit comfortably in my brain.

 

Over the last six months my biggest improvements are:

 

Sleep - I used to wake up multiple times a night. Sometimes 2-3 times and sometimes every 2 hours. THANKFULLY I am sleeping a solid 7-8 hours per night and rarely wake up during the night.

Morning Cortisol Rush - This is probably 99% gone. Mornings are sometimes my best time of day.

Fatigue - This has gone from making me non-functional to among the living. I can play 18 holes of golf and do yard work and feel no real repercussion from it.

Nausea - I have gone from having severe nausea every day to pretty much no nausea ever.

Dizziness - In my first 6 months off, I had pretty bad dizzy spells. They came and went, but haven't bothered me in a while.

Vision - Seems to be improved. Still have floaters but they don't bother me as bad. Also the dark/blurry vision has gotten better. Things seem a bit more crisp.

 

I always begged God to give me some improvement. Just something, anything. Well I have improved and I still feel stuck. I don't know, I guess I just wont be satisfied until I am fully well. Or maybe when the DR dies down and I can be comfortable in my own skin. Maybe that will be my tipping point. Who knows.

 

Still dealing with D/R, depression issues (apathy, doom & gloom), fear of never improving (hence my need to post the above), headaches, anxiety issues, malaise. Hoping to cross off more of this shit in the coming months.

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I'm in a place where I need to really memorialize my improvements to fend off the lies that sit comfortably in my brain.

 

Over the last six months my biggest improvements are:

 

Sleep - I used to wake up multiple times a night. Sometimes 2-3 times and sometimes every 2 hours. THANKFULLY I am sleeping a solid 7-8 hours per night and rarely wake up during the night.

Morning Cortisol Rush - This is probably 99% gone. Mornings are sometimes my best time of day.

Fatigue - This has gone from making me non-functional to among the living. I can play 18 holes of golf and do yard work and feel no real repercussion from it.

Nausea - I have gone from having severe nausea every day to pretty much no nausea ever.

Dizziness - In my first 6 months off, I had pretty bad dizzy spells. They came and went, but haven't bothered me in a while.

Vision - Seems to be improved. Still have floaters but they don't bother me as bad. Also the dark/blurry vision has gotten better. Things seem a bit more crisp.

 

I always begged God to give me some improvement. Just something, anything. Well I have improved and I still feel stuck. I don't know, I guess I just wont be satisfied until I am fully well. Or maybe when the DR dies down and I can be comfortable in my own skin. Maybe that will be my tipping point. Who knows.

 

Still dealing with D/R, depression issues (apathy, doom & gloom), fear of never improving (hence my need to post the above), headaches, anxiety issues, malaise. Hoping to cross off more of this shit in the coming months.

 

I could have written all of that word for word. We gotta keep reminding ourselves of these improvements, for if anything, our own sanity. Keep going Ryno.

[[Ry...]]

Thanks for the response T1D. Glad you have seen some improvements too.

 

I would describe my cluster of remaining symptoms as mental tension. In and of itself is quite debilitating.

[[...]]

Yes. My big ones lately are DR, intrusive thoughts, depression (though this is MUCH less intense than the black depression I had months ago), brain fog, and just feeling weird...I feel like a weirdo.

 

I don’t comevon much anymore, but I’ll keep checking back on this thread. Hopefully some of us in this group will make a significant turn soon.

[[...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

[[Ry...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

 

Sorry you are feeling stuck. Some of my turning points have been after I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost like the brain is close to some sort of breakthrough and that causes a new level of mental anguish. Before long I was feeling a bit better. I’ve had to create the wind in my sails many times. It’s tough but I know you can do it. Try not to think about not connecting and just have faith it will come to you.

[[pi...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

 

Sorry you are feeling stuck. Some of my turning points have been after I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost like the brain is close to some sort of breakthrough and that causes a new level of mental anguish. Before long I was feeling a bit better. I’ve had to create the wind in my sails many times. It’s tough but I know you can do it. Try not to think about not connecting and just have faith it will come to you.

 

there is an odd sense of things normalizing but then closely missing the mark. For me, recently I have regained this sense of color and sharpness to my perception that feels like its been missing for years. But its like its slightly over corrected itself because everything is too sharp. Like i swung from emotional blunting where I was like a zombie, not giving two hoots about anything to sharp emotions that tear right through me. Each time they swing though it feels closer to the mark. just waiting for bullseye

[[...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

 

Sorry you are feeling stuck. Some of my turning points have been after I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost like the brain is close to some sort of breakthrough and that causes a new level of mental anguish. Before long I was feeling a bit better. I’ve had to create the wind in my sails many times. It’s tough but I know you can do it. Try not to think about not connecting and just have faith it will come to you.

 

Thank you for your support, Ryano! I know what you mean about the wind in the sails. I guess I have been doing this for a long time now. There is no choice but to face the battle, and try to make this time count with anything positive we can do for ourselves or others. We need to keep reminding ourselves of that... and someday the rewards will be there tenfolds... or actually much much more.

What's hard for me is that I can't see any change in my mental/emotional state over the past 15 months. Some physical symptoms have alleviated, or they wax and wane, but the evidence of healing is incredibly subtle. I cling onto testimonies of healing on BBs and trust resilience of the human brain and body. Faith in this process. Every single day. It is all about coping yet another day at a time.

Between creating the wind in my own sails and trusting that things will happen naturally, it is confusingly tough... but I trust you and others who have seen improvement. Thank you for your kind words.

May month 16 bring some more signs of healing, may we be strong. Keep taking care of yourselves... and just keep going. It will be worth it. Life will be so much brighter... believe in healing!

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

 

Sorry you are feeling stuck. Some of my turning points have been after I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost like the brain is close to some sort of breakthrough and that causes a new level of mental anguish. Before long I was feeling a bit better. I’ve had to create the wind in my sails many times. It’s tough but I know you can do it. Try not to think about not connecting and just have faith it will come to you.

 

there is an odd sense of things normalizing but then closely missing the mark. For me, recently I have regained this sense of color and sharpness to my perception that feels like its been missing for years. But its like its slightly over corrected itself because everything is too sharp. Like i swung from emotional blunting where I was like a zombie, not giving two hoots about anything to sharp emotions that tear right through me. Each time they swing though it feels closer to the mark. just waiting for bullseye

 

Dear Pinky,

That all sounds so positive to me! I know this may be tough to go through, finally seeing your emotions come back, sometimes too strong or perhaps at awkward moments... that is you coming back to life after psych drugging! It is yet another process within healing from benzo. It is beautiful! Try not to give too much meaning to feeling this or that, you may have to go through a time of regulation physiologically and psychologically. You will relearn to live with emotions, you will gradually discover who you are and what you want from this life. I guess this is the most wonderful gift to yourself!

I can't wait to enter this stage of my healing... I know it will be challenging but I came off psych drugs to be me after over a decade of oblivion... here's to being alive!

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[pi...]]

Hey guys,

15 months off in a few days and still stuck with the mental crap! Caught between mental akathisia and apathy, I can't be alone because the mental anguish gets too strong and I can't distract myself with anything like tv or books. I walk aimlessly, visit places without ever connecting, browse shops... I am just pretending. I feel I am walking in the desert of my soul. So thirsty for life... but it is all so dry and there us no end in sight. I have never had a window. I can't see any improvement in my mental state. After 15 months, I am so exhausted... usually i am much more positive... but I feel I am running out of stamina. I don't know how much longer I have to go without improvement or a window... a glimmer of emotion or a spark of life, something, just something... anything...

Let's hang in there... we need to be strong, really strong.

Hugs,

Julz xx

 

Sorry you are feeling stuck. Some of my turning points have been after I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. Almost like the brain is close to some sort of breakthrough and that causes a new level of mental anguish. Before long I was feeling a bit better. I’ve had to create the wind in my sails many times. It’s tough but I know you can do it. Try not to think about not connecting and just have faith it will come to you.

 

there is an odd sense of things normalizing but then closely missing the mark. For me, recently I have regained this sense of color and sharpness to my perception that feels like its been missing for years. But its like its slightly over corrected itself because everything is too sharp. Like i swung from emotional blunting where I was like a zombie, not giving two hoots about anything to sharp emotions that tear right through me. Each time they swing though it feels closer to the mark. just waiting for bullseye

 

Dear Pinky,

That all sounds so positive to me! I know this may be tough to go through, finally seeing your emotions come back, sometimes too strong or perhaps at awkward moments... that is you coming back to life after psych drugging! It is yet another process within healing from benzo. It is beautiful! Try not to give too much meaning to feeling this or that, you may have to go through a time of regulation physiologically and psychologically. You will relearn to live with emotions, you will gradually discover who you are and what you want from this life. I guess this is the most wonderful gift to yourself!

I can't wait to enter this stage of my healing... I know it will be challenging but I came off psych drugs to be me after over a decade of oblivion... here's to being alive!

Hugs 

Julz xx

 

cheers to that julz. Hugs to you also, that is a beautifully uplifting message. Hopefully we will all have a season of perfection to mark the end of this ordeal. I really cant wait, we must all celebrate when we cross the finish line. Stay awesome julz

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We're here to see each other through. One's victory is everybody's victory  Hope is what keeps us going, day after day. We are strong. We will realise how strong how we are... and how much stronger we have become. Anything will be possible after such an ordeal... look out world!

 

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[Th...]]

I am 12.5 months off. My worst symptoms are throat issues, anxiety,  trembles and headfog. Please help.

[[Ke...]]

What kind of throat issues are you talking about?  Difficulty swallowing, sore throat, hoarseness?  I'm sorry you are suffering but I can relate to your anxiety and brain fog.